Moms Who Drink and Swear and I Have a Conversation


I can always count on Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear to find asshats in the internet. Today is no exception. She sent me a link to this dreamboat who shared his 10 things he finds unattractive in women and then made the mistake of asking me what I think. Well, since I'm a big mouthed, know it all, my first reply was, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” and “Damn. I'm like half that list. Am I annoying?” and that started the ball rolling for a conversation between MWDAS and PIWTPITT.


MWDAS: Jen, I love you. And I’m not talking about some lesbian, hot for your junk love, although I find you incredibly attractive in a non-sexual way, ‘cause I’m not into chicks per se. What I’m talking about when I express love is my love for your mind. I guess that’s why I sent you the link to the 10 things men find attractive about women pile of asshair. I realize this poor excuse for an article wasn’t merely a vehicle to showcase this writer’s style and substance, because it’s a complete shit show, but obviously a desperate attempt to enrage women and get page views for advertising revenue. I may be a therapist, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why this motherfucker wrote it in the first place.

I think he needed something to do while waiting for his dick to crawl out of it’s hiding spot in his asshole. Or he wrote it in order to earn a few more dollars to pay his mommy back for racking up a massive online porn bill on her credit card, because if he doesn’t, she won’t cook him meatloaf dinners or wash his crunchy, jizz-filled tube socks and shit stained tighty-whities anymore.




PIWTPITT: Nikki, This douchebag obviously lives in his mother's dark, dank basement with about 50 cats and types asinine lists with fingers permanently stained with Cheeto dust. He obviously hasn't spoken to a live woman (dudes posing as girls in chat rooms don't count) in his life or else he'd know that by writing this list he's sealing his fate to die alone with only his cats for company. 

MWDAS: A friend sent me the link with the caption, “too easy.” I agree. This punk ass motherfucker really does make it easy to pulverize his purpose, yet I can’t help taking the bait. Maybe it’s that PMS he was talking about? Maybe I’m one of those bitches who think she knows everything? 

PIWTPITT: PMS? What's that? I'm always irritated, no matter what time of month. And what the fuck is that about women's haircuts that has this guy's panties in a bunch? I fucking hate guys who think they get to dictate my hairstyle. Unless he wants to come to my house and blow me every day (MY HAIR, perverts) then he doesn't get a say about my hairstyle. What does he know? He's never had to shampoo, condition, add leave in conditioner, apply hot oil treatments, volumizer, straightener, curl-enhancer, fly away preventer, and a shit ton of hair spray, only to repeat this regimen the next day. Fuck him.

He makes me want to make a list. 10 Things I Find Unattractive About Mouthbreathers Who Write Lists: 1. They can never spell. It's not a “horde,” it's a whore, you numbskull (see how numb has a "b" in there, that was probably too advanced for him) 2. You're an idiot. 3. Lists are hard and stupid. I'm done with this one.

MWDAS: Yeah, but I think having him in your house would be dangerous. Having this much stupid leaking out of his gob makes me fear that he's carrying a form of the plague, like, brain eating virus. 

PIWTPITT: I'm not letting that asshole in my house! He and his stupidity are not welcome. Besides, he'd hate being in my house. He hates negative women, remember? He hasn't met negative women until he's met us, Nikki. Know it all, negative women who are LOUD. Now that I think about it, we're like his secret dream threesome. 

MWDAS: Threesome? I bet the only sexual satisfaction he wants or needs is masturbating with the x-box controller he obviously has stuck in his sticky fist all day.

I thought it was neat-o when he identified negativity as one of his top 10 unattractive things. BECAUSE HIS ARTICLE WASN'T NEGATIVE. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW LOUD WE CAN BE! We have over a half million Facebook followers. HOW’S THAT FOR LOUD MOTHERFUCKER? 

PIWTPITT: The more I look at his list, the more thankful I am that I have a man. Jeez, I'm easily half of the things that drive men crazy. Not only do I sport a random haircut, I also ask my husband to do the dishes, when clearly that is my job. I've been accused so many times of "hordeing" attention that it's embarrassing and I'm always being asked to tone it down. I'm so glad he educated me. 

MWDAS: A direct quote from his "article": "For some reason, women tend to be a little more annoying than men." 

PIWTPITT: Fuck him. He's a moron. “Women a little more annoying than men.” Ha!

MWDAS: Right, because the constant ball scratching, farting, belching, and begging for blowjobs is endearing. 

PIWTPITT: Precisely. 

MWDAS: When I'm annoyingly doing the dishes, while at the same time, being a know it all while helping my kid with homework, and of course doing so loudly because the dogs are barking, the dryer is drying, and the dishwasher is washing, and the sound of the television on full blast because my husband is watching a football game, I should really consider at least wearing a wig, because with all the other annoying crap I'm up to, the least I can do is to make sure my hair isn't "random." 

PIWTPITT: YES! It's the least you could do. Also, stop being so drunk all the time. It's annoying. Actually, that part is true, BUT what is he talking about when says “drunk girls are annoying”? As if drunken men aren't annoying? Shitfaced guys are always way cooler than tipsy girls? 

MWDAS: Drunken girls put out. This dude is bat shit. The only way he's getting any after writing this pile of crap would be to find a drunk, because not even a lonely sober chick who hasn't been laid in a decade would put out for a pudwhacker like this guy. You know what, Jen? I like when people read my stuff. I really do. It makes me happy, but damn if I'd ever throw down like this against the Y-chromosome set just to get page views. 

PIWTPITT: I might stoop to that level ... no, I'm lying. Shit! Another no-go on his list. Maybe I am annoying??


MWDAS: I'll bet he still wets the bed. I'll bet he's secretly addicted to Pinterest. Speaking of which, I've pinned so much cool shit this week. For real. 

PIWTPITT: I'll need a shameless self promo link, please. 

MWDAS: NIKKI'S SHIT SHE'LL NEVER DO PINTEREST BOARD. Look at all this shit I'll never fucking do! You know what else I’ll never fucking do? 

PIWTPITT: What? 

MWDAS: The guy who wrote that article.

And with that, Nikki dropped her mic and sauntered out of the room.

Read more of Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

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48 comments:

*Alex* said...

Love this!

JillsyBean said...

OMG!! Pudwhacker.... best insult ever!

Heather said...

too funny

Kate said...

I'm just glad I don't have to see or deal with him.

Kate said...

hello

Unknown said...

Read the comments. They will make you want to hurl. For example "men just want to be equal to women" was an actual phrase...

World of Olive said...

You know, I'm about 7 of those things. And I'm married. So my husband is a masochist, or it actually is attractive.

Kate said...

You two are AWESOME.

Unknown said...

I'm married, and loud (partially deaf), and I do know what I'm talking about, so I'd tell him,
"May the fleas of ten thousand camels infest your kitty's litter box and chew through you gaming system and may be you blessed with a woman who fits your list puurrrrfectly" well that's what I would say if I wanted to wish that much tickturd on a woman but even in my loudest PMS-iest days I wouldn't. Don't need that crouchcritter reproducing.

Unknown said...

I'm married, and loud (partially deaf), and I do know what I'm talking about, so I'd tell him,
"May the fleas of ten thousand camels infest your kitty's litter box and chew through you gaming system and may be you blessed with a woman who fits your list puurrrrfectly" well that's what I would say if I wanted to wish that much tickturd on a woman but even in my loudest PMS-iest days I wouldn't. Don't need that crouchcritter reproducing.

Jimjams said...

Nasty nasty nasty!
Him not you two :-D
"Hello"

Marcella said...

I went to his page to read it...I got to #9 (it goes 10 to 1 for those who haven't read it). That was all I needed. Nothing pisses me off more than stupid ass articles that make you flip pages to read each piece. I refuse to support those fucking idiots and read their work. Put it all on one GD page or don't put it out there at all!

Anonymous said...

I frigging love you bitches. I laugh, I cry, I piss myself a little.

Kristin said...

Hello!

tatooine84 said...

Hello!

Alecia said...

You two are amazing!! Love it!!

Unknown said...

Love you ladies!!

Lila M. said...

I may bot be a mom, but I love reading your blog. Some of things I see when out and about with families.. I just shake my head..

Lila M. said...

*not

MrsClare said...

I can understand that those can be unattractive qualities in a person, but I just love all the "but for some reason women are more .... than men." Nice one jerkface

Unknown said...

Awesome!

Unknown said...

Thank you for that laugh! Now to explain to my son why i keep laughing!

Rachel said...

He's from India, so it's him trying to bring his outdated cultural BS to us via his million and a half blogs...some of which talk about how women also shouldn't be too 'bossy' at work LOL He's a moron...there's a pic on his blogger profile page though, andit's also hilariously sad

Sarah said...

Wow, I didn't even make it past one page. The comments are worse than the list it seems. Sigh.

Unknown said...

That douchey mcdouche can go sit on a cactus of he thinks women that have an opinion are too bossy or annoying. That pocket-pool playing dumbass needs to get a real job, instead of inciting a mass of highly intelligent women to find him and show him what annoying is. I'd make him watch old Roseanne stand up comedy for hours on end if he wants to see how big of a bitch women can be.

Unknown said...

Ok, the guy is an arrogant jerk, who idealizes women as they were in the fifties (models of obedience sitting smiling the whole day long in an adequate posture and wearing adequate clothes (and haircuts)). AND... he obviously has insecurity issues. (Whenever something changes he is destabilized).
We shouldn't give him the least bit of interest.

Anonymous said...

These books would make a great holiday gift for my SIL who is a semi-new Mommy of twin boys. She needs a pick-me-up!

Unknown said...

You two are hilarious! Thanks for a great read!

Jessi said...

I can always count on you for a laugh. :-) If something ever were to happen to my husband I think I would be alone... and happy. Someone could make a reality show based on that movie Idiocracy.

Kerrie McLoughlin said...

this douchebomb would not like me.

Drain Bramage and Bluffy Funnies said...

Hmmm my keyboard is possessed. Let me try this again.

*Ahem*

It should have been titled "Things People Find Unattractive in Other People" because it could really apply to both sexes equally. Well except for the "Attention Hordes"... although I suppose large groups of attention seeking people could be super annoying too.

The list sounds like it was written by an 8 year old trying to masquerade as an adult or to make himself feel "more adult like" lol.

What a twatwaffle.

Kaythia Star said...

I couldnt even get past number 9. I dont think this guy rates as human.

FallinWoman said...

Hi! Thanks for the laughs. Too funny!

daria said...

Hello! His top 10 site looks like a fake site built to trick google into putting it at the top of search results. Cheesy...

Unknown said...

I would trade one of my kids for the chance to see the two of you meet that basement dweller in real life. He would stammer, cry, and piss himself. I'll bet my other kid that he's describing his mom in that list.

Defo Mommy said...

Bwahhaaa I freakin hate boys celg well my son

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

Amy Jo said...

Wow...That's some list. I will agree about loud. My sister is loud, very loud, like make your ears bleed when you talk to her on the phone loud. I personally liked #7 being impatient. If a man would listen then I wouldn't have to remind him so many times and if they weren't rude and didn't show up after having to remind him then I wouldn't be impatient. I'm not understanding how a man doesn't want a drunk girl or one who likes to wear a little black dress.

Debbie said...

love love love this. too funny :-)

Carrie - ASassyRedhead.com said...

Wow. Hello. I AM THE WHOLE FRIGGIN LIST.

And yes, I CAN do anything I want.

Where's the list of shit women hate about men? I'm quite sure there's more than 10 moronic things.

Jensational said...

Ok - first, look at #2 - He calls them "Attention Hordes". Too bad this fucking GENIUS doesn't realize the term is ATTENTION WHORES!!! That right there completely discredits him from knowing anything. Nuff said!

Jensational said...

AND he said "Us men love women." Again, douche-canoe, it's WE men love women, shitty grammer using asshole!

LA Botchar said...

I don't think this asshat will have to worry about being "Annoyed" by the presence of any woman. Ever.
If this was the apocalypse, he could be the last lone surviving male cockroach and still no females would mate with him. they'd just skip right to the ripping the head off part.

Anonymous said...

Know-it-all! LOL. Perfect. I love it.

Hey Mon! said...

The link is not working! I think you and MWDAS caused him too much traffic so his low-rent blog host crashed. Or he got skeered of us attention-hoarding (LOL) womenz and took it down. Either way, awesome!

Unknown said...

I'm sitting here laughing my ass off! well said! and I love the twatwaffle, its my new favorite word

Anonymous said...

Surely that was written purely as a troll. If not, what a mega douchebag. I hope he is enjoying living out his prime in his parents' basement never getting laid. Never.

Unknown said...

That is going on my "Best Ever Insult List" next to Snotsucker, which is incidentally from one of Jen's previous posts.

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