Open Letter to Rob Lowe

Rob Lowe has an interview in the New York Times Magazine titled Rob Lowe on the Problems With Being Pretty. Rob feels like no one took him seriously when he was a young heartthrob because he was too pretty and I don't think that was the case at all. I've written him a letter.

Dear Rob,

Hey, gorgeous. Come sit by me and let me stroke your beautiful, glossy hair and gaze deep into your dreamy blue eyes. I read your interview this morning and I know you're feeling a little a down because you feel that when you were younger you were too pretty to get interesting or deep roles. Luckily, you're maturing into a ridiculously age-defying older man and interesting and deep roles are now opening up for you? Really? OK, if you say so. I don't want to talk about what you're working on now, let's talk about this awful discrimination that you suffered from. This dearth of opportunity you experienced due to your overwhelming hotness.

Come on, Rob. Let's be honest with one another. It wasn't because you were too pretty, my love. It was because you're not a terrific actor

Hold on, hold on. Don't go anywhere. Keep your head right here on my shoulder and just listen to me for a minute. I'll keep stroking your head. It feels nice for me too.

Now, let's think about this. You were part of the amazing and beautiful Brat Pack. Every middle-aged woman in North America remembers drifting off to sleep at night surrounded by posters of you and your equally splendid buddies. I think I wore out my VHS tape of The Outsiders and even though you were a total loser in St. Elmo's Fire, I still wanted to save you and make you good. Plus, I was crazy excited to see you make out with the plain girl, Mare Winningham, instead of the hot, crazy one, Demi Moore. It made every plain girl in America feel like she had a shot with the smokin' bad boy in her high school - even though we didn't. Now I'm getting depressed. Will you stroke my limp hair and gaze into my milky eyes, please?

What I'm trying to say here is that you guys were all spectacular looking. So impressive that I feel bad for all of our husbands who have to try and to live up to Dallas Winston, Blane McDonough, and the gold standard: Jake Ryan. Many of us settled for Duckies and Farmer Teds. You guys were all such perfect specimens you'd think everyone would have the same problem you did. But they don't. Look at this list I put together of good looking actors and actresses who have gone ugly for a role and did it well:

Tom Cruise - He was in The Outsiders with you. Sure, the volleyball scene in Top Gun is still one of my go-to memories when I've got Long Duk Dong standing there looking like a pickle and I need a little "inspiration." However, Tom did Born on the Fourth of July where he was hideous and his cameo in Tropic Thunder still makes me alternate between laughing and barfing every time I see his meaty, hairy hands.

Matt Dillon - Also one of your co-stars in The Outsiders. Did you see him in There's Something About Mary? Did you see his teeth and that scraggly mustache? Come on, Rob. Even when you try to go ugly with props, it doesn't work. You wore an eye patch in Austin Powers. That doesn't count.

What about the most beautiful man in Hollywood?

No, not you, sweetie.

I'm talking about Brad Pitt. Remember when he was in Thelma & Louise? You probably thought that was the pinnacle of his career. It would have been the pinnacle of yours. Instead, Brad got dirty and disappeared into his roles in Snatch, Fight Club, and Twelve Monkeys.

How about Christian Bale? What is the deal with that guy? He is smoking hot, but only when he's playing Batman. The rest of the time he's disgusting. He prefers to be an emaciated druggie or boxer or both or a fat and bald creeper. Now that guy can act. He doesn't rely on his beautiful angular face or rock hard abs to get the job done. He doesn't care how well he fills out an Armani suit or how perfect his hair looks. He doesn't give a damn that I'm imagining bouncing quarters off of his ridiculous ass - UNLESS, he's in American Psycho, then he brings his acting chops and his chiseled chops to the screen. He's the total package, Rob. You could learn a lot from him.

And then, there is the one person who can disappear so perfectly into a role that she made men across the world cry out in fear and pain when they saw her. I'm talking about Charlize Theron in Monster. That girl brought it, Rob. She gained weight, she shaved off her eyebrows, and then she ACTED. Like a monster.

"Hey Rob, don't hate me because I'm beautiful under all of this acting."

See, Rob, I think that's the part you're missing. We can't all be the total package. You still look like Sodapop Curtis and you're still on my "List," but I can't see you becoming Mickey O'Neill the way Brad did. You're still miles ahead of the rest of the Pack though, Rob. Have you seen Emilio lately? I don't think he could even get a boring heartthrob role at this point. So you should take what you can get and just be glad.

Think of poor me. I've never had this problem with being discriminated against because I'm too beautiful. I'm typically discriminated against because I'm squat and irritating. I wouldn't mind trying to be beautiful for a day though. Just to see what it's all about. I'm willing to take that discrimination though.

The problem is I'm a terrible actor. So I'd be beautiful, but still irritating.

So you see, Rob, you're not alone. I'm there for you. If you need to talk, just call me. I'm always around. Mostly because I have no life.

Love always and forever,


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Buy the new book I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. Find out how the Hubs proposed to me. It's about as romantic as you'd think.


PolyWogg said...

He did okay on West Wing, Season 2.

Jen said...

I think I cried a little just now... because the mail ended.


Unknown said...

He was in a film called I Melt With You.....or something. Was pretty good.

Unknown said...

He's a creeper. He used to walk around his house naked to intimidate his Mormon nanny. He's a hot creeper, but a creeper nonetheless.

Jennifer said...

He didn't even act well in the video of him and that girl that kinda derailed his career.... maybe that had an effect on his roles??

Anonymous said...

Muuuuuahhhhhh.....I adore you! Consistently! said...

But I still love him. He and John Stamos, also not a good actor, are two of my secret fake boyfriends.

Middle-aged Diva (Carol) said...

He is, however, a really good writer. Assuming he wrote his own book. Which seemed unlikely but which in 2011 he says he did. It was well-written and gave me a new view of him, because I always thought he was too pretty to be smart. Just sayin'.

LA Botchar said...

He will always be SodaPop Curtis to me.
And I may be a bit biased as a Canadian due to Youngblood.

But I did like him in Thursday's Child. It actually seemed for a moment that he might bring something more than dimples to the screen.

Unknown said...

Had a guilty-pleasure poster of Rob with his sax from St Elmo's Fire. Kept it in my closet so no one would know. lol Lost all interest though after the scandal with the 14 year old girl. Sorry, not into pedophiles, don't care if you look 14, I know you're not. Anyway... you forgot one that has done quite well playing ugly -- Matthew McConaughoney.

r/b said...

Jen.......I love you.
Never met you, probably never will.
There is no doubt in my mind your family and friends love you totally and wait to hear what you are gonna say that will knock them on their butts laughing.

"Hold on, hold on. Don't go anywhere. Keep your head right here on my shoulder and just listen to me for a minute. I'll keep stroking your head. It feels nice for me too...."

Snort laughing, startled cats.

kristiemarie518 said...

Oh a man so breathtakingly gorgeous can get so greasy, nasty and creepy is beyond me.

Sorry, I completely forgot what I was writing while I was thinking of Matthews abs.

Unknown said...

Speaking of attractive actresses who've successfully "gone ugly" for roles, how 'bout Rebecca De Mornay in Runaway Train (1985)?

Thank you for the smile, and keep it real!

tikitonya said...

Adding to the list of actors who managed to get deep and interesting roles, even when they were young and pretty: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ryan Gosling, River Phoenix, Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhall, Jude Law, Matt Damon, Colin Farrell, Ethan Hawke.

SDJaye said...

Pretty is as pretty does...
Love Rashida Jones's term "benevolent narcissist" probably spot on.

Think it's telling that he pays attention to the "learned men" who have been his psychiatrists over the years. The other half of psychiatrists- the learned women, might have a different diagnosis.

Jesly said...

I wish there was a 'like' button for comments on blog posts, some of these are classic!! "He and John Stamos, also not a good actor, are two of my secret fake boyfriends" - so great! I love the Punch blog on its own, but when the comments are factored in, the result is Hilarity Alchemy! Thank you for making me laugh.

Michelle said...

Yeah, he's still on my list, too, but only when he keeps his mouth shut.

LovelyLady said...

I can't agree with you on this. Rob did an excellent job in "The Outsiders" playing Sodapop Curtis. Even if you watch his audition(all the "Outsiders" auditions are posted in a short documentary on YouTube) it's obvious he has major acting chops. All the guys who were cast for that movie do. None of them but Tom Cruise and Matt Dillon ever got serious enough roles to prove it.

Sometimes it's not the actor, it's the roles they get. Same thing with Chris Evans. He's actually an awesome actor(Watch him in "SnowPiercer"), but if he mostly gets cast in goofball comedies, how's he supposed to stretch his acting chops or be taken seriously? If Rob had been cast in some of these huge box office smashes that are so popular today, he'd blow your theory right out of the water. His acting skills are very underrated.

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