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Valentine's Day Response

Dear Hubs,  Got your letter.  I've changed the Blogger password - you don't get full, unedited access again.  What must people think of me?  First, I agreed to go on a date with you when you were a complete asshole to me and then I let you write a list where you air all of my dirty laundry for the blogosphere to read about - you really had to talk about my maintenance issues?   Anytime you're ready to get on all fours and get your ball sack and ass crack waxed you let me know and I'll book a double appointment for us to get a Brazilian.


Now everyone is waiting for my response and I don't know what to do.  Should I go for scorched earth and pick on everything from you buying me roses at Aldi and your belching problem (who wakes up and needs to belch at 7 am??) or kill you with kindness (tell you why I love you in spite of your behavior)?  Probably a bit of both.


I get it, you want more attention, but honestly, how much more attention can I give you?  You are never happy with what you get.  And you have a very short memory.  You are constantly whining that it's been a week and really it's only been a day.  I must not be that memorable, but I'm not taking all the heat here, it takes two and obviously your performance was just as unforgettable as mine.  Maybe if it lasted longer than "5 minutes" (are we watching the same clock?) and you didn't go into hibernation right away you'd remember more.

And did you read the lady's orange analogy?  I hate oranges, so I substituted watermelon, but the sentiment is still the same.  Watermelon is messy and a real pain to prepare and clean up.  I love watermelon, but just not every day, it's too much work.

Basically, I'll tell you what I tell the kids, The more you whine, the less it makes me want to do anything nice for you.  

Instead I'll give you some advice.  You want to get more action?  Here's a hint.  I want you to woo me.  "Wooing me" is not saying: "You wanna get with this?"  I overheard Gomer just this morning say to you, "Daddy, with your clothes off you look like a giant pickle."  I have no idea what he means exactly, but you should take that to heart.  No one wants to "get with" a giant pickle.  Work on looking less pickle-like.

It really isn't that difficult to woo me.  Just stop being so damn cheap.  I don't need a candlelight dinner, roses and diamonds, but I do need a little more than a restaurant that you have a buy one/get one free coupon for.  Stop using technology to stalk me - well the credit card, really.  When I go shopping do not sit at home and track my purchases online.  It's unnerving when you call me and ask me if I really needed whatever I bought for $73.24 at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  It was especially shitty of you when I bought your Christmas present and as I was leaving the store you called and told me take it back because I'd spent too much and it wasn't what you really wanted.

I realize I'm not perfect either as you so eloquently pointed out in your letter.  All the things you mentioned in your letter are a good start, but I think you missed the mark on a few of the points.

Yes, you do the bulk of the cooking and for that I am eternally grateful.  You are a better cook than me any day of the week.  You enjoy cooking and you are the better cook, so it makes total sense that you cook.  HOWEVER, I clean up after you cook.  I am the one who washes the pots and pans.  I am the one who sweeps the floor, wipes the counters, clears the table, etc.  You always forget that part.

While I appreciate that you load the dishwasher, it is only because you have a ridiculous OCD way it must be done.  God forbid I put a cup or a bowl in the wrong place.  I hear about it for days on end.  Don't even get me started on your harping on me for running the dishwasher "too soon" and wasting money because it wasn't full enough to run.  THAT is why you load the dishwasher, because no one can bear to listen to you bitch about something as silly as a dishwasher and I'd rather fight with you over real things.

suppose you can call what you do "unloading" the dishwasher, but we have been married for 9 years and you would think that by now you would know where the plastic containers, the wooden spoons, casserole dishes, etc. go.  I'll give you a hint:  NOT on the counter.  If it isn't a drinking glass (coffee mugs don't count), a plate, or a piece of silverware you have "no idea" where these belong.  You HALF unload the dishwasher.

Yes, it's true that most mornings you do get up with the kids to "make" them breakfast.  Breakfast in our house consists of yogurt, fresh fruit and dry cereal with milk on the side.  You're not running an omelette bar every morning with fresh squeezed OJ.

And yes, you have let me "sleep in" on occasion (thank you for doing it just this morning, it was lovely).  Rarely do I sleep through breakfast.  I do stay in bed, but I am awake.  Have you ever thought that maybe I'm giving you quality time with our children?  You are making memories out there in the kitchen with them.  They know that the mornings are their special one on one time with Daddy.  You're welcome.

It's a lot like the quality time you give me at night when I put the kids to bed by myself, read to them, and talk to them.  Thank you.

Also, those kids had better be the only children you have or we've got real problems.  No woman finds that joke as funny as men do.  Keep telling that joke and you really will go weeks without loving.

Another tip, never tell a lady that she needs to work out and that sex is good cardio.  It just sounds like a horrible pick up line you probably heard on "Entourage" and my reply would be something equally snarky like "Honestly, sometimes running a marathon sounds like a more enjoyable cardio workout than sex with you."

At the end of the day you may think your list will sway me, but you forget about my trump card.  I carried two babies in my belly for you.  When you can carry a baby and give birth you let me know.

I vomited daily, I gave birth prematurely, I had emergency surgery, I had an episiotomy that still hurts to this day if I move a certain way, I shat on a table in front of a room full of people, I have hemorrhoids and stretch marks, I had mastitis, and baby blues.

We love those kids like nothing else. We'd each take a bullet for them, we'd do anything to make sure they are healthy, happy and loved.  I am exhausted at the end of a day of making sure they are healthy, happy and loved there just isn't much left over for you.

Luckily, our marriage isn't based on sex.  Lucky for us, our marriage is based on our strong commitment to our relationship, our love for each other, our ability to laugh at one another and with one another.

That being said, I'm still pissed that you called out my lack of grooming and if you think you're going to get any special time on Valentine's Day you'd better pull out all the stops.  I say I don't need flowers and chocolates, etc., but I deserve them now.  You owe me.  Plus, Breaking Dawn is out on DVD.  I think you should buy it for me and watch it with me.  It's the least you can do, funny man, for your bushy, overgrown wife.

Much love and adoration,

Jen

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116 comments:

  1. That was awesome. What's with men and their short term memory when it comes to doing it? My husband is exactly the same way.

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  2. LMAO!!! I'm freaking dying over here! That was awesome.

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  3. Love it and what the hell is with men who live in a house for years and know where NOTHING goes/lives! I thought it was just my husband but obviously not LOL

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    1. Agreed. I just wish mine would leave things on the counter. Instead he 'finds' places for them, meaning it takes me weeks to find them again (and my kitchen really isn't that big)!

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    2. Hahaha, omg Bonnie. That sounds like my husband, but with the laundry. I can never find my clothes after he does laundry! He either folds or hangs everything, regardless of what it is.

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  4. I could have written this! The dishwasher! Haha, yes mine loads it then when (on the off chance he unloads it) everything goes on the counter or where I can't find it! Like the measuring cup this very morning, still can't find it so I could make our children valentines treats...oh and the credit card stalking thing, I get calls too. Why did I have to spend $200 at target? Because we have to eat, wipe our buts and yes often clothe our family! Don't buy $100 shoes or purses, I buy $20 shoes and purses at target! I can change that though...

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  5. Watermelon analogy, YES! Exactly what I have been trying to put into words for 10 years!

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  6. I think this is a well deserved letter. I love how you put him in his place. My husband does the same thing with putting dishes away. I find Tupperware in with the plates and sippy cups in with the bowls. I wonder if he even thinks before he shoves things in the cupboard! Romance is not always shown by buying things...I try to tell my husband the same thing! Great come back letter!

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  7. Watching Breaking Dawn with you is the very least your husband can do! (I am trying this argument on my husband and meeting more resistance than I would like.)

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  8. BOOM. p.s. Book his brazilian (and videotape it.)

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  9. For the record, I didn't think his letter was very funny. Your response is very well put. I am going to share this blog with my friend who has an equally whiney about sex husband.

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    1. They both just seem so angry at each other.

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  10. Our hubbys are from the same genetic pool. CONSTANT COMPLAINING, (Tuesdays are his worst ??) Aldi, sex, dishwasher, I AM NOT KIDDING.

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  11. Amen, Sistah!! My hubby empties the dishwasher the same way! The same things are left on the counter and yet he wants me to thank him over and over for emptying it FOR ME! WTF!

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  12. Can I copy and change the names to fit my family? OMG! I couldn't stop laughing and thinking I could say all those same things to my husband. Is it a standard thing with men on pretending (because that is what I think it really is) that they don't know where to put the dishes when emptying the dishwasher. I guess this just proves we are all the same behind closed doors!

    Jen you are the BEST!

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  13. Just this morning a friend & I were talking about how disappointing valentines day is. I mean at least my Hubs tried when we were dating and now theres no hope...
    Good luck to you, maybe yours will "get it" that although we don't "need" candy & flowers, it sure would be nice to be surprised and told you're valued once in a while!!
    If so maybe the nookey fairy would visit more often....

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    1. Well I'll be damned if he didnt make a liar outta me! Hubs sent beautiful roses to me at work today!! He must be ill

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    2. Or cyber stalking your replies! LOL!!

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  14. I'd take a half empty dishwasher over my husbands approach of just inventing new places for things to go. One day he invented a new place for tupperware - our under the oven broiler. THERE IS A REASON THAT SPACE IS EMPTY...FLAMES HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT.

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  15. oh this is beyond funny! My hubby, how I love him, WILL unload the dishwasher, and then leave it empty with dirty dishes in the sink. " I unloaded the dishwasher for you" Thanks, jerk, but do you think you could RELOAD it?

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    1. HUH? Why are there so many missing letters in your message?

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  16. I think of mine more like a pineapple. 1. It takes forever to get to it. 2. There's only a little goodness for all that work. 3. The clean up is a bitch (which is why my husband is required to wear 'party hats' for our special time) 4. You're sure to get pricked in the wrong way more than once 5. and even though you think its going to be sweet everytime, it ends up tart.

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  17. well, he was funny, but you are amazing. Still laughing about the giant pickle!

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    1. "Work on looking less pickle-like." That freaking cracked me up!!!

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  18. Oh My God, I think our husbands must be long-lost brothers. You hit the nail on the head (pickle on the head?). The dishes thing? check. The dishwasher OCD? check (altho my hubbie also likes to remind me that the trash isn't full enough so we shouldn't take it out yet, even though it stinks to high heaven). And the shopping monitor? double check (sigh - except he often just goes ahead and buys whatever he wants, then when it's time for his birthday complains that I don't get him anything good). I'm so glad I'm not alone. And, yes, I love my hubs just as much as you love yours...

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  19. Shame you did change the password this is getting to be a great spectator sport... I'm thinking - how's he going to come back on the "you book your Brazilian" one... brilliant :-)

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  20. You go Jen! My hubs is always complaining about "loving" as well. I am nursing a baby pig so by the time he gets off the boob, the last thing I want is an overgrown baby on them. He likes to bring up the first few years together when we would "love" anywhere and everywhere. The analogy I use is it's like a new bike, you ride for hours all over the neighborhood for days on end, then after a while it gets repetitive and you'd rather just watch tv instead! All men are not the same, all husbands, however, have the same distinct opinion of housework & "loving".

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  21. After reading you Hub blog and cringing at all he bad moves I feel you are ver justified in your response and I was humorous way of making your point but I have a question!!!!
    WH DOES YOUR HLOG SE TO GIVE YOUR FOLLOWERS THE RIGHT TO BLAST THEIR HUBS JUS BECAUSE. My guess is these are the women that hav real issue and jut blame their Hubs for things to try to get heat away from themselves. If you wan o bitch that ba, move out and do it all yourself. You ar probably the only one that can please you anyway!

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  22. You Go Girl! Pull no punches and tell him like it really is! Hallelujah! You're my hero!!!!!

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  23. Bravo, Jen! I knew by having a Hubster-whose similarly afflicted with short term memory loss and the like-to read between the lines of your hubbies blog! Great series of well placed mini punches. They (Hubbies) always think what they do is so much more important/grander/involved/acknowledgable than our own "pathetic" efforts. Yet in reality, they couldn't function without us, on some level they know this, but, they'd have to admit
    defeat if they acknowledged it! We all know that won't happen!lol truly enjoy your blog! From one overall wearing midwestern hillbilly, to another!lol

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  24. lmao! My fiance and I had a bit of a war going on back in November -- Until he took care of some man-scaping I refused to shave my legs. I won.

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  25. Well, a friend of mine concluded that we all marry the same man, with a couple of minor differences ;)

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    1. I'm reading this as a single woman. Now I've been convinced to stay that way. I would not want to live in your world

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  26. I giggled about the dishwasher comment. Whenever I attempt to start loading the dishwasher my husband always says, "Let me do that" because he too is OCD about how things are put in there. Great letter Jen!

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  27. Enjoy watching Breaking Dawn! Lord knows those boys don't resemble pickles.

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  28. Can you tell us how you really feel?? Just askin'.....

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  29. My husband likes to think he's helping by putting clothes into the washer, the dryer, then hiding them on the guestroom bed, in a pile. I can't seem to get it to his head that he is not beating them on a rock in the river, that the hard part of laundry is not putting them in the washer and dryer ...

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    1. Omg, my hubs does yhe guestroom bed thing, too! I now call it "the laundry black hole"

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    2. I'm gonna start calling it "hubbys bed" if he doesn't knock it off!!

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    3. Beating the clothes with a rock by the river!! that's my line when i complain about my husband! "Its not like you are down by the river beating it with a rock!!! You have to move with in a two foot radius to load and unload!!

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  30. Perfect response, Jen. Just perfect.

    And may I just say,
    "Woot-woot, I'm famous!" -- You quoted my orange analogy! Glad I could be of service.

    And lastly, you MUST see Breaking Dawn. I loved it. Wrote a little post about it back when it came out, and I stand by it after having just seen it again on DVD over the w/e: http://bringingboryahome.blogspot.com/2011/11/breaking-dawn.html

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  31. We are all married to (or dating) the same man in many bodies. I swear.

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  32. OK, I've gotta add just one more thing: I firmly believe that all men suffer from the same learning disability which affects their ability to measure time and space. That's why it seems like 2 weeks to them since you "got with this" when it in fact has only been 2 days, and why their 5 inches looks, to them, like 8.

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    1. Omg, yes. My hubby THINKS his penis is huge. He calls it "the hammer" pfft. yea...right.

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  33. Boom goes the dynomite. Well played Jen, well played.

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  34. Loved this! I think that we should "pay" our men back with "strokes", since that is what's on their mind. Keep a tally, gave compliment, 1 stroke, cooked dinner, 1 stroke, since it takes them far less longer to get in the mood...maybe if enough strokes are earned he'll get his prize, OR you may decide hey all this stroking makes me want my own...guys don't get it when it comes to wooing. It's not 1 thing or another it's the combination of things that lead a women to feeling like watermelon is worth the effort! :0)

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  35. My hubby already bought breaking dawn and watched it with me! Yep, you guessed it... He's in the dog house!

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  36. Yes. I want to vent like this on my blog, but my hubs will have a damn shit fit. I once posted husband for sale- no returns on my FB page. We nearly ended up in court. Thanks for posting this. No one wants to get with a man who gets out of the shower and does naked pelvic thrusts while licking his teeth. That's my life. Yeah, baby.

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  37. Love.

    I have to admit that I am the one that's OCD about the dishwasher but the rest of this message SO RIGHT THERE WITH YA. I saw that someone else mentioned their husband bitches about the trash not being full enough. Mine bitches because it's full and no one will take it out, quit bitching and take it OUT!

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  38. I feel it is my duty to point out the ways sex is NOTHING like running a marathon.
    1. There are crowds of supporters cheering you on along the way. They do not care how long it is taking you to get to the finish line.
    2. Upon crossing said finish line, you are given a medal. It matters not how crappy your overall performance was. You crossed the finish line? Medal for you.
    3. There are tents FULL of high calorie, yummy treats just waiting for you after you're done.
    4. Lots of times there are massage tables. You go lay on one, and someone rubs you down. And, this is AFTER you finish. They do not expect you to go run again when you get off the table.

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  39. Wow. This post, along with the responses, completely justifies my goal to remain single for the rest of my life. Thanks! Keep the reminders coming!

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  40. You are my hero... I am so happy to hear that my hubs is not the only one with memory issues... tell yours he has it good, mine always says 6 weeks! It could have been yesterday and he still says 6 weeks. LOL

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  41. Why doesn't anybody ever tell you about shitting during childbirth?? Thankfully one of my best friends liked me enough to warn me about that less-than-pleasant experience. I shat myself with both my kids. Of course my dumb-ass husband had to open his damn mouth and joke "I hope that isn't the kid!" I got him back though by saying "if it is, it has YOUR looks and personality!"

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    1. i've often wondered this, myself...not a CLUE this would happen the first time. after that, i got to gettin' busy with the suppositories when it got close...just in case. and, although the joke is damn funny right now and has me giggling like a crazy person, i don't think i would see the humor at the time. shitting on the delivery table, pffft. who knew?

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  42. You could have been talking about my husband. It's the end of the goddamn world when he doesn't get it. As far as I'm concerned, "Wanna a piece of this?", is NOT the way to turn me on. Why the heck would I want to cut, peel, slice, and spit out seeds, when I can just grab a self-serve fruit cup? Less mess, I can eat it the way I want to, and pick the flavour. Lol.

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  43. Love it!!! I think you might have been talking about my husband!!!

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  44. My trick to stopping the tracking of my shopping is to stop at the ATM closest to my house and get cash. Also, turn the GPS of my phone off. :) Happy shopping!

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  45. You need a reality show. That is all...

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  46. That was awesome!! I had tears in my eyes. I think all husbands don't know where things go when they come out of the dishwasher, even though mine knows where to look when he wants it. (I will admit I'm like your hubby when it comes to loading the dishwasher - it's not uncommon for me to redo it after mine loads it).

    If you book a double brazillian PLEASE blog about it!!

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  47. That's why I never criticize my wife. She has way more ammunition in that game than I do. And by the way, I aiways buy my wife flowers at the grocery store. I get away with it because I do it all the time, not just on "special days." That gets me off that particular hook. Plus I can buy her flowers without playing the "what did you do?" game.

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  48. Pickle? Lmao!
    On a totally different note, I feed my kids exactly the same breakfast on weekdays! Glad I'm not the only one.

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  49. Omg! I love you! great response, youmust have a very entertaining relationship, much like my own!

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  50. I am still laughing! And after three kids, still peeing my pants a little too. (and we owe THEM?)

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  51. OMG, Christie! Ba ha ha ha ha! Best comeback line EVAH! I worried endlessly about public shatting during delivery and actually was relieved when told I needed to have a c-section.

    Jen, I swear you just reached into my brain and pulled out every single thought word for word. I'm constantly using the "woo"ing line. Brilliant, just brilliant. Thank you for making what seems like most of us here feel more sane.

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  52. I don't know Jen, I think you were a little harsh on the Hubs. I thought it was fun that you let him have a guest spot on your blog. But now I think he just got ambushed and sounds like you may never stop nitpicking every line of his blogging effort. I feel kinda bad for him. It isn't about keeping score and it sounds like your rebuttal is all about keeping score. In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I am not feeling the LOVE from you guys! (I'm just sayin')

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  53. Dang. Reading your back-and-forth is amazing. This could be US. Only, I'm the Asian one in our relationship. In fact, about 8 years ago there was some sort of cell phone service commercial that ran that featured an Asian woman and a Caucasian man who were obviously not speaking to each other and at the end, he sends her a text that said, "I'm sorry. I am stupid." Friends called it the 'Mark and Lisa' commercial--because I'm Asian and he's stupid!

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  54. I about choked on my coffee with the pickle comment! I tell my husband I don't need expensive gifts for V-day, just acknowledge it. A .50 card from the Dollar Store will do, at least you made an effort to get one.

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  55. The pickle thing sent me over the edge. Just about fell off my chair!

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  56. I recently asked my husband to "woo" me. The next night he wakes me up from a nap (just got the 10mo old to sleep...), tells me to come to the living room-there's something in there. I sit on the couch cell phone ready to update my facebook status to how romantic my man is. Then he lovingly looks at me and says: "there's some kind of animal in the house and I've trapped it behind the tv. I don't know what it is but it sounds bigger than a mouse. I need to you watch it and make sure it doesn't escape while I go find a flashlight."
    I long to be wooed as well. :\

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  57. I HATE being online stalked. I've barely walked out the automatic doors at Target before I hear "What did you spend $127.39 on at Target? I thought you were just going for diapers." How is a person supposed to slip new clothes through the cracks unnoticed with online banking?

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  58. Thank you for giving him hell for that "jungle" comment. WTF? Like he does any maintenance down there. LOVED your suggestions of his getting his ball sack and ass crack waxed - ouch! Keep up the great writing. You are a breath of fresh air in this stale, fake world.

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  59. I always read.. rarely comment.. you CRACK me up... love the snark.. love that you and hub traded barbs on the blog.

    Oh.. and the overachievers... when my kid was in kindergarten and they were doing some stupid holiday project in a shoe box... one of the mother's got so INDIGNANT at the hint her kid's project was late or whateverthefuckthedetailswere... I just remember this... the shoe box wasn't sufficient, she needed a boot box or something and the snide remark worthy of a throat punch, "LOOK, WE need more time... I can't FIT Rock Center in a Shoe box" ... (come to think of it.. I just tied Tina Fey into this comment, too..)

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  60. Just catching up on your blog for the week...I love the description of childbirth!!! Thanks for putting an abrupt stop to my cluckiness. Definitely not ready to shit on a table in front of a room full of people lmao. You're fucking hilarious. Thank you!

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  61. I say, buy breaking dawn...and play whilst ur getting ur couples Brazilian! He owes ya big time...although u'll certainly have to watch it again...sans the crying and whining that he'll be doing :0)

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  62. What is with men and putting the dishes away? My parents lived in the same house for 40 years and my Dad never figured out where to put anything that wasn't a dish or silverware. My husband is doing the same thing. Yet strangely they always know where to FIND those same items when they need to use them (after wifey puts them away). Hmmm....

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  63. ahahahahahahahahahahhaha!!!! You are my hero!

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  64. My sister just sent me a link to your blog...You are AWESOME girl! My upstairs neighbor is probably wondering what the heck is going on downstairs because I'm laughing so hard and so loud (all by myself, I will add)! I will now be following your blog to the ends of the earth.

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  65. Yes yes yes!!!! And thank you!!!! Now could you write one for my hubby??? Extra cuss words on the side please ;) Lmbo that was awesome

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  66. you SLAY me!!!! love it!!! give him hell! hehehee

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  67. I KNEW it--my husband has another wife in Kansas!!!! You hear about airline pilots all the time having other families--LOL --

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  68. I think those might just be my favorite Jen/Hubs posts (even above that little elf bastard). I made my hubs come in and read it with me and we were both laughing so hard we were crying. I was going to call your hubs out on the grooming as soon as I read it but I followed the link to your response and you beat me to it. I've already told mine he might get lucky more often if he manscaped but it still hasn't happened. I'm not holding my breath.

    Of course, the inherent danger of calling him in to read it was that many of THE HUB'S arguments would be the same for my husband so I'm sure it put ideas in his head that I'll have to deal with later. Sigh.

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  69. I love you. Really. And your husband is damn lucky to have you... He should know that by now.

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  70. This sounds, disturbingly, familiar. Game, set, match to Jen.

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  71. I almost peed my pants laughing... very funny. But I have to say one thing here, I wish I would have had a husband who wanted some 'loving' ever. Having a husband completely disinterested in anything physical and who cannot even give a hug, let alone more - well ladies, that is WAY WORSE, believe me!

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  72. Am I the only one that thinks that is sad, mean and disrespectful? I don't see the humor on either side.

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    1. No, you're not alone. This is pretty much what I was thinking as well.

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  73. Wow... From my brain to your blog... I can't believe there are others out there like hubs and myself?! I swear I was reading my own thoughts and hubby's as well! And as you I say I don't "want" anything but I friggin deserve it... wonder if he's figured that out yet... We'll wait till BJ day (march 14th... yes it's real, google it) and see how he feels when he gets "nothing".

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  74. You are the BOMB!!! You are my hero!! Love it!!

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  75. You guys need to take this show on the road.

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  76. Cameron Diaz wrote a book about loving your body, and she thinks you shouldn't trim.She actually said its a beautiful wrapping for the gift you are giving your man. I'm taking her advice and only shave what sticks out of my bathing suit and only if I'm gonna be swimming. Same with shaving my legs. Only if I'm gonna wear shorts or go swimming. If we weren't meant to have body hair God wouldn't have given it to us.:)

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  77. "It's a lot like the quality time you give me at night when I put the kids to bed by myself, read to them, and talk to them. Thank you."
    this was said so perfectly i don't even have anything to add.

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  78. OMG I could have written this to my husband. I find "Come on it will be quick|" a real turn off and he can't understand why. I want to be hugged occasionally and kissed periodically. Yup wooing is good. And when he waxes all that hair off his back and chest I'll consider waxing my fanny until then he can live with the Jungle!. You go girl. I hope you get chocolates and flowers and much more.

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  79. DAYYYUM, woman! LOL

    Yeah my husband also has a very short memory when it comes to sex. And his favorite come-on line is "Wanna do it?" OOOOh baby, I can't get my panties off fast enough!! *sarcasm voice*

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  80. Oh. My. God. We are living the same life in many of the facets above but particularly the cockamamie dishwasher. With? My husband does a whole exaggerated big sigh when he opens the dishwasher and then rearranges EVERYTHING! And the not putting things like casserole dishes away made me nearly spit! Seriously! Love this blog!

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  81. Oh. My. God. We are living the same life in many of the facets above but particularly the cockamamie dishwasher. With? My husband does a whole exaggerated big sigh when he opens the dishwasher and then rearranges EVERYTHING! And the not putting things like casserole dishes away made me nearly spit! Seriously! Love this blog!

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  82. I shared your watermelon analogy with my husband this morning and his reply was: "Then just have it outside. It's not as messy to have it outside since you can just hose off when you're finished." I just rolled my eyes, but I thought your husband would appreciate his comment.

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  83. I think you should buy your husband lotion for Valentines....and tell him to apply it the BURN area!!! LOL.

    my hubby steam cleaned my carpets today.
    so basically he's like the only man who worked, like ever.
    and I must show how much I appreciate his manliness and will never hear the end of it unless I assume the position. eyeroll.

    honestly, I already got 3 babies. perhaps not acting like a 4th might get you more "some."

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  84. It must be awesome to wield such power in the bedroom. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.

    But seriously, you might want to consider giving hubs a bit more attention. Otherwise he may decide to explore other avenues and divorces can get ugly. Don't think it can happen? Look around.

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  85. He is like many men....wondering why women don't want sex like they used to, when they were young, no kids and wooed still. My ex used to think I played him, because I wanted sex all the time when single. But two kids later and working full time and rarely having a break, plus the fact, he didn't help around the house much....and never trying to woo me....well what the hell did he expect. Even after counseling, he never did what the counselor suggested...helping out, not harping on me for what I was not doing right. Three times a week was not enough, he acted as though it was one a month...he also suffered from amnesia. But notice I said "ex"....so you both need to listen to each other and come up with solutions. He needs to woo you, so you feel wanted, not just a piece of ass.

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  86. Omg, I thought my husband was the only one who stalked my credit cards, haha (not that I listen)! And our very 1st fight as a married couple was over the dishwashing arranging- now I let him do it. Someone once said it's adult Tetris & I believe it. As for "quality time" (as he puts it), I told him he gets out what he puts in. If he's not willing to put his back into it, then I'm not getting on mine, lol.

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  87. awesome comeback. love, love, and more love!

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  88. I know zero about you/husband/relationship but you came across to me as really unhappy and defensive past the point of offputting. Give the man a break! - and I'd advise the same to him. Don't get wooed? Trade the kids for a bottle of nice liquor for a night.. break in that private browsing feature and do some *ahem* "research" to try something new.. not your fault that research may involve wonderfully built men doing fabulous things..

    I learned as a kid that if I wanted something done *just so*, I had to do it my damn self. So I choose to fold all six billion towels neatly alone and arrange the dishwasher the way I like to avoid a useless battle. And if he does it a different way, whatever, the dishes are still done. If I'm gonna get mad at something it's going to be worth it damn it!

    I think I'm in the minority here but I can't STAND body hair on myself. Always been that way. Love my fella's furry chest and don't really mind the pubes (I don't floss often enough anyway), it's just the hair on me that makes me feel gross and unsanitary. The only time I slack off is shark week because, well, fuck periods and everything about them.

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