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Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Remember when I told you about my interview where I said I was a koala?  It was because I was watching the absolutely brilliant HBO show, "GIRLS."  Watching Hannah squirm her way through an uncomfortable interview reminded me about my koala interview from years ago.

This week, she met a pharmacist that she dug and he gave her a free bottle of lube...for her mom.  This reminded me of another flashback from my past:  completely inappropriate gifts from guys you're attracted to.

I was in college and I was studying abroad during the summer.  I was living in an Eastern European country with very few of the comforts of home (remember this is the early 90s, McDonald's hadn't even arrived yet).  I had been warned to pack essentials like toilet paper and toothpaste and most importantly, tampons.  My roommate had ignored that part of the list and came ill-prepared.  On day one, Aunt Flow came to visit and she was freaking out.  I told her she could use some of my supplies until we found a drugstore and then she could get some of her own.

Every day we looked around for a place to purchase tampons.  Then we looked for sanitary napkins (the horror, but they would have to do).  Finally we just hoped to find some clean rags she could stuff in her pants.  Flow came and went for her and she ran through my entire supply.  I was up shit creek.

In the meantime, I had a met a cute boy and I was busy flirting awkwardly with him rather than focusing on the pressing need that was coming in 14 short days.  Every time he took me out I'd ask him to find a "special" type of store.  I started with asking for a pharmacy.  They did not have what I needed.  I asked for a grocery store.  Not even close.  I asked for a "woman's store."  He did not know what the fuck I was talking about.  Every time we went out I would run into any random store I saw that I had not been in already.

Finally, it was almost d-day and the panic was setting in.  Obviously this boy could feel it.  Finally, he sat me down and said in his thick Eastern European accent, "Jen, tell me what you are looking for.  I can help you find it."

I was too embarrassed to tell him what I needed.  I refused.

"Jen, it is upsetting you and I want to help you.  Is it a special souvenir you would like?"  A souvenir??  Not even close.

The night before Aunt Flow was scheduled to make her appearance I broke down and told him what I needed.  It only took an English to Russian dictionary, a little bit of charades and finally a hand drawn picture of various Kotex/O.B./Tampax boxes.  "Do you know where I can find these?"  I asked hopefully.

"Yes," he replied.  "but it will be expensive.  You can only get them on the black market."

"I don't care.  I'll pay.  I have dollars.  How much to get them tonight?"

"I do not know.  Maybe twenty?" he said.

"Fine.  Whatever.  Just get them, please."  We arranged for him to go and see what he could find on the "black market" (I actually thought it was an actual market and asked if I could go and do some shopping) and then meet later that night at a party.

I got to the party before him.  I was hanging with my new cool European friends when he walked in with a plastic bag.  "I have a gift for you," he said.

"Great.  Thanks.  I owe ya," I said and I tried to swipe the bag from him before everyone could see what he had.

"No, Jen," he said pulling the bag out of my reach.  "In this country, gifts are very special.  You must be presented just right or else the gift is spoiled."

"I don't want a gift.  I will pay you for them," I hissed.

"No.  I insist.  I have not bought you anything to remember me by," he said.  "I want to give you this as a gift."  Remember you by??  Are you kidding me??  They're tampons.  I'm not going to save one to remember you by.


Now everyone was gathering around to see what amazing gift my new cute friend was going to give me to remember him by.  I was dying inside.

He made a huge production of pulling out a giant box of Tampax.  "Ooooh," a few said.

"I present this gift of Tampax to you.  It is my pleasure to give you this gift.  I got you the big box.  I did not know how many you would need.  You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses."

He's right.  I never forgot him.  His gift was one of the most memorable I've ever received.

A gift?

112 comments:

  1. lmao! I choked and spewed my coffee on my screen when reading this. lmao! Thanks for the laugh. lol

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  2. This story just made my Friday! I can't believe he made a little speech when he presented them to you. That is awesomely horrifying.

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  3. If that is actually the big box, I think you were up the blood red river styx either way! 10 tampons for one period=screwed, especially for a
    "big girl" like you, with "big menses." 0.o

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  4. Bless his little European heart...lol

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    1. I agree. At that point, even a box of chocolates and roses could not have been a better gift.

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  5. Bahaha. I have tears in my eyes. Hilarious.... and my god I would have been RED.

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  6. And mu husband thought it was embarrassing to go to Wal-Mart and buy me tampons!! Maybe he should read this!

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  7. Surely you jest...did he really say "menses???" I laughed out loud.

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    1. He did. He was very formal and he learned English from a proper British teacher.

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    2. Or from Sheldon Cooper.

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  8. This story is AWESOME! I only wish I had one to rival its awkwardness! Um, I had a boyfriend give me used dishes once.....nope, not even close. You win.

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  9. My first boyfriend gave me beets. As in, a bouquet of vegetables. He thought it would be funny. 20 years later and I'm still scratching my head.

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    1. I don't know why I love this so much. lol

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  10. *ahem*

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD HAHAHAHAH I CAN'T EVEN HAHAHAHAHAHAH *tears* BAHAHAHAHHA *snort*

    Thanks so much for this.

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  11. OMG - how horrifying and, yet, kind of sweet at the same time.

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  12. Heheh! I totally remember how difficult it was to buy ordinary American stuff overseas. I lived in Cyprus and worked at the American Embassy in the Commissary. What people wouldn't pay for a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese or a slab of Velveeta ...

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  13. He understood the importance though, didn't he? I would have been ecstatic. Really. I worked at a summer camp in CT and when I had a chance to go into town for necessities, they didn't carry my brand. I spotted my brand in a fellow counselors cubby and made the most amazing trade of the summer!

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  14. I'm so glad I am in a private room at work because I a dying laughing! Especially at the part where he called you a big girl and said you surely had a big menses. Did he really say that?? But at least he came through with the goods! :)

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  15. The first time I asked my husband (then boyfriend) to buy me tampons, he came back with 10 varieties. He wasn't sure what I wanted/needed (a basic regular flow tampon- which is what I asked for).
    He said (and I will never forget this): "I know how tough menstruation is on your body and I want to make sure your needs are met and you are comfortable!"

    Sometimes, when I am picking up his dirty socks for the 10,00th time, I wonder where THAT guy went!

    http://lalazaza21.blogspot.com/

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  16. and my husband won't even get that for me. Thank you for sharing that story.

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  17. Just read this aloud in my office! Everyone loved it! Thanks for the laugh!

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  18. Thank you for making me smile and literally LOL! You are awesome!!!

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  19. Now that shit is funny!
    My sister had a guy buy her two goslings. Yes, baby geese. It was right after high school and we lived in a one bedroom apartment together. WTF was he thinking? "I'll buy her some geese. That'll get me laid."

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    1. Two geese a laying maybe... He must have gotten the song wrong :)

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  20. I lived in China for three years, and I remember going to a friend's apartment and seeing she had a box of Tampax in her bathroom. It was like she had a suitcase full of gold, just sitting there for the taking. Apparently her mother would send her care packages full of them every few months. Some girls have all the luck.

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    1. That's priceless. In college apparently my mother thought I was loosing a pair of socks a day because every month or two a box would show up with loads of brand new socks in every variety imaginable. No note...just socks. Thanks mom!

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  21. Lmao!!! Fantastic story!!

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  22. Hooo, "Big Menses" finally pulled the chuckles out on this one. Excellent, mortifying story. :)

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  23. Oh my god! How utterly embarrassing for you at the time, but what a hilarious story!

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. THAT was the sweetest story I EVER read! Big MENSES hehehehehe! That man does deserve a medal and so does his Mom for raising him right:)

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  26. I was pregnant with our first child, and our anniversary was three weeks before he was born. Well, apparently, all the weight and fluid retention had caused me to start snoring, and badly. So on our anniversary, my husband came home with roses... and nasal strips.
    He really knows how to keep the romance alive. :-)

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  27. Hahah big menses! That's great!!

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  28. I would have put my big girl foot in his little English nuts !

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  29. Lol! I died laughing! Reminds me of a good friend from Romania that once said to me -in front of a group of classmates in college- "your daughter have very nice clits." I was mortified!! He meant CLEATS! he was looking at a picture of my daughter playing soccer! Lol I just love Eastern Europeans!

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  30. Aha - another thing we have in common as I lived in Russia in the early 90s as well and have some equally bizarre (funny in hindsight) stories (including asking in pantomine "where is the pool? I want to swim." at the door of an insane asylum in Hungary)! And a few stories about "boyfriends" during my year abroad in France (including the probably mafia Italian exchange student who wanted to take me home to his family in Sicily after the first date...). You see, I actually look at this E European male's act of kindness as kind of a testament to the security of his manhood unlike our wimpy guys who can't even say "tampon" without blushing let alone "big menses!"

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  31. I have to go to IT and get a new keyboard. I spewed iced tea all over it. That was the most hilarious thing I've read today.

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  32. This is my favorite story by far!!

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  33. My husband used to work in the store room of a mental hospital *no we did not meet there*. The first time he got a requisition for sanitary napkins he went to his boss and asked what the difference was between the "sanitary napkins" and the regular ones. His boss nearly wet himself. Hubby has never lived it down.

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    1. I posted this earlier with a typo, so I dleted it. I wrote "sanity napkins"... OK, maybe that wasn't a typo, HA!

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  34. That is some funny shit.

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  35. What a great story. You are hysterical (as is your former European lover boy).

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  36. Ok, I'm in tears. I wish we could hear the rest of the story. Did he include a plastic sheet and a sacrificial goat?

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  37. OMG I am so glad I didn't have something in my mouth,otherwise it would have been all over my computer!!! That is just awesome! What I want to know, how did everybody else act when they saw what it was? ROFL

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    1. Bagel with vegemite all over my computer!

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  38. the formal gift presentation at the party was priceless!! Awesome story for a friday!

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  39. "You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses."


    OMG. Seriously, I just spat bagel on my computer screen as I read that. Oops.

    In other news, I was the crazy girl at CVS buying boxes of tampax on sale for $3, opening them on the counter to get the "$2 off" coupon out and then buying the next box for $1, and so on and so on, until I had about 20 boxes.

    No, I'm not going to Russia, just Australia, but apparently they don't believe in applicator tampons there, and after a year in the US I am now a convert!

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    1. I have a friend who went to live in Australia for a while. She heard that condoms were hard to get there, so she decided to take a supply thinking that, if worst came to worst, she could make her own condom black market. So she had all of of these boxes of condoms in her luggage (I think something like 15 or 20...she wasn't kidding), and they searched her luggage at customs. She had to stand there while some Aussie customs agent kept pulling box after box after box of condoms out of her luggage. She was MORTIFIED!

      [Sorry, I just went even further off topic, but your mention of Australia reminded me of this other funny story.]

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    2. We do have applicator tampons here! I promise you! Just not as wide a range as you would find in the U.S. It's not China, which is indeed a tampon-free-zone, basically! I had to get care packages too!

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    3. OMG, that story was hilarious! How mortifying and endearing at the same time. He should have been a keeper, lol.

      I can assure you Cyndi, they do indeed have applicator tampons there, same with condoms. It's not a 3rd world country. Oh and can ya send me some vegemite, I'm all out and cant get any til I go back to Oz in August.

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  40. It takes a real woman to have big menses. I love it. And God do I love the show Girls....
    Tampons on the black market. Awesome.
    xo

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  41. I have to ask...what do women there use??? I hope one of you world travelers can satisfy my curiosity.

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    1. This is my question as well!

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    2. I was just thinking the same thing! Are we the only country that wads up cotton and jams it up our lady bits once a month? Come to think of it, when you put it like that, no wonder we get so damn bitchy lol.

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  42. LOL!!! I almost snorted my Diet Coke reading this! I've been to several Eastern European countries in the past 5 years and thankfully the conditions are much improved. Except for Moscow's airports - I once couldn't find any TP in the whole damn airport when I had a bad case of the runs. That was awful.

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  43. I have never received a gift like that from a guy, but as an elementary school teacher, I have gotten some good ones. The best was from a second grader. A little girl brought in a beautiful gift bag with a really pretty lotion set. Only, when I looked closer, it wasn't lotion...it was KY Jelly. It gets better. It was USED! It had a note on the bottom from her dad to her mom. She had taken it from the bottom of her mom's closet. I was mortified. Needless to say my faculty still talks about my special gift!
    Erin

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  44. Oh. My. Goodness. "You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses." I am still cracking up. Love it!

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  45. You shlda seen me buyin condoms for my 16 yr old..wtf

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  46. I was dating a dentist and he gave me an electric toothbrush. I opened it up and asked, "Is this a joke?" He looked back at me like I shot his dog.

    We broke up soon after.

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    1. Bahahahaha!! "is this a joke?" Hilarious!

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    2. "Is this a joke?" I am laughing great big out loud in my kitchen right now!! Can't wait to share this with a girlfriend. Thanks!

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  47. Ha! Still a better love story than 'Twilight'...

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  48. OMG loved the posting. What a story I am still laughing. I once sent hubby in for mine, he came out with a bad- of Depends I was so PO'd at the time, bcuz now I had to go in and exchanged this mess. We can laugh about it now. I mean seriously who could confuse a box with a bag? :) Thanks for the laugh

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  49. I used to think there was an actual black market too, like in the "seedy" part of town or in all of Morocco. When I got my passport stolen in Italy, I demanded to be taken to this "black market" so I could "buy it back!" This post was even funnier than the "Happiest Place on Earth My A$$" - and that had me doubled over.

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  50. "You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses." You might have gotten a hedge trimmer too if you explained it was like a jungle down there....

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  51. I totally don't get it....so women had to go all black market every month? There weren't even commie pads or something? That's an awesome story.

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  52. What the fuck?!?!! OMG, how funny!!! Did this really happy? Tampons on the Black Market? Priceless...

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  53. I never got an embarrassing gift but when I was 16 my boyfriend bought me a package of tube socks for valentines day! WTF?! After he realized how unhappy I was he went and got me a promise ring. Big difference!
    Needless to say I didn't end up with him!

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  54. I'm surprised PIWTPITT didn't start around this time! ;)

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  55. OMG, Lol! I'm not sure whether to be horrified and embarrassed for you or feel endearment toward him. lol...

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  56. There are actual tears streaming down my face because I'm laughing so hard. Awesome.

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  57. OMG! Funny! This reminded me of the Anjelah Johnson comedy routine where she talks about her dad having a coupon for everything in his fanny pack - he pulls one out for tampons and says, "for you miha - they're made of pearls!"

    LMAO!!!

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  58. LOVE IT! lmfao!

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  59. Good thing you didn't get diarrhea!

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  60. Ex-husband (you will understand this in a moment) bought me a toilet seat for our first Christmas... I should have known. This is hands down the funniest thing I have read in ages. Big menses...snort, snort, snort!

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  61. This has just made the top 5 funniest things I have EVER read. Awesome.

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  62. Oh. My. God. This is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time! I just died laughing (and crying)!!! Thank you for sharing this awesome story!!

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  63. Bwhahahahaha! The best story I have heard in a LONG time! Why were tampons so hard to find there?

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  64. I'm trying to imagine what my response would be if anyone told me that they figured I had a "big menses." That is hysterically fantastic!

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  65. That is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard. LOL Hilarious, but f'd way up. And the other girls standing around ooohed and ahhhed? Thanks again for a horrifyingly (is that even a word?) hilarious story.

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  66. "I present this gift of Tampax to you. It is my pleasure to give you this gift. I got you the big box. I did not know how many you would need. You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses."
    OMG you have my laughing so hard Im going to pee myself!
    Our first Christmas dating my husband got me a toaster and an iron "because I needed them". He has never lived it down. Needless to say the gifts have improved a lot because I married him.

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  67. I received an I-pad, yup a pad with the letter I drawN in the center in marker ! WTF , days later the REAL thing came 2 redeem himself . UR STORY was the BEST , 2 funny, still wipeN my mouth & screen , think I ,d know by now don't eat or drink while reading UR blog ! U Rock !

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  68. Holy cow!!! Hilarious! But he sounds like he has a good heart! Um, I have to ask....did you continue hanging out with him? Did you guys become pen pals? Is he now your Facebook friend?

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  69. This is some funny shit. I have re-read this post about three times already and I have to agree, at that stage of desperation, the Tampax would be about the best gift anyone could ever give you! I think I love him. ;-)

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  70. That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. At least he cared enough to get the very best!

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  71. I got a STAR. So so stupid... I even wrote about it! http://juliasmath.com/no-one-wants-a-star-or-a-guide-to-mothers-day-gifts/ terrible!

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  72. Oh my gosh! I died laughing! This was one I had to read out loud to my husband. Man, that was some gift!

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  73. Having visited an Eastern European country in the early 90's myself (the country where my mother was born) - I can totally envision this entire scenario. In those days they could not get ANYTHING over there - I remember relatives visiting us in the U.S. from this particular country and we would literally give them deodorant and bars of soap as gifts. I think now it's much better over there. Hilarious!!!!

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  74. My sister was in Moscow in 2002. She get a yeast infection. Imagine her trying to mime what her problem was to the poor russian clerks. She actually held a loaf of bread to her crotch and said "ow". Needless to say, I don't think Monostat is in large supply over there either. And they must wonder what those weird Canadians do with bread "down there".

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    1. I cannot stop laughing about this! What a great pantomime!!

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  75. It's not an embarrassing gift like this, but one year for Mothers Day, my dad gave my mom a sprinkler head. His defense, "Well, she said she wanted to get one." Yeah, like pick one up at the hardware store next time you're there, not give it in honor of how she sacrifices physically, mentally, emotionally, etc as a mother!!! Oh good gravy. I was like 5 at the time and I still remember it vividly. NEVER EVER give hardware as a Mothers Day, except MAYBE if it is specifically asked for, and even then, make sure to include a bunch of chocolate!

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    1. So funny! I can just picture the exchange between your mom and dad - "yeah, like the next time you're in the hardware store!" "Not for f'ing Mother's Day!" Sounds like something my husband would have done when we were first married.

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  76. Sent my husband for these right after my sixth baby was born and warned him to get pads not tampons... He was panicked with the overwhelming selection in the store and sending texts to make sure he got it right. I knew he hit the jackpot when he sent... "Wings! Just like red bull Stephie! They have wings"

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  77. Better than the time I was travelling with my completely clueless boyfriend, (now my hubs) and he asked me why I wasn't feeling well. I finally broke down and admitted I was having cramps due to my period. (*Note: Boys, don't hound a girl who is PMSing for an answer you don't want to hear.) He was embarrassed, and left it alone. Then the next day came, and I wasn't feeling much better. So he asked me what was wrong. I replied like any bitchy girl would with, "I AM ON MY PERIOD. IT GIVE ME CRAMPS MORON." To which he replied with a completely confused face, "What?! I thought you had that yesterday. 15 years later and I still tell that story and laugh about it every chance I get.

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  78. I might have married that man at that point if I were you ;)

    What a thoughtful gentleman- and he gave you a hilarious memory for life!

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  79. FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! This made my Friday!

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  80. Once a guy ran into a shop to "use the phone" and came out with a gift for me... a barrette that was almost an exact duplicate of the one I was already wearing in my hair. He said "I saw this and thought of you." Really buddy? I can't imagine why? DIPSHIT.

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  81. I received not one but TWO china dolls from a creepy old boyfriend. I hate dolls. When I opened the first one and saw its dead eyes, lace and curls, I was actually scared to see a second, same-sized box. WTF? Here's the whole story if you're interested!http://pencilenvy.blogspot.com/2012/06/ode-to-joe-or-how-i-used-to-be-idiot.html

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  82. "You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses" gave me the best laugh I've had all week. I hope someday I can work that line into conversation.

    Awesome story, Jen!

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  83. That is hysterical! I'm glad you didn't die from embarrassment (like I would have) to recover from that experience to live and laugh about it. I had this hideous pink bear a guy I liked in high school gave me, and I kept it for some reason, even after he asked me to set him up with my best friend. He was a jerk; I finally wised up to that eventually.

    But what did the women do for their "big menses" if tampons were on the black market?!? Why??? Lol.

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  84. I had a boyfriend give me dead roses that he picked himself. Yes, really.

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  85. Maybe someone already asked but what do the women over there use when Aunt Flo comes for a visit?

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  86. I think it was very sweet of him and he was pulling your chain about the "gift" part. Cute story.

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