Mini Punch Tuesday

It's been awhile, but I've got some mini punches I'd like to share.

1.  Desmond Hatchett - AKA The Jackhole with 30 Kids.  Have you heard about Desmond yet?  This guy is a real gem.  He's 33 years old and he has 30 kids with 11 women.  WTF?  The shocking part of this story (besides the fact that women continue to have unprotected sex with this guy) is that he makes minimum wage and can't possibly support these kids.  The courts have garnished his wages and divided it among his children's mothers and some only get $1.50 a month and since that can't buy shit anyway, he's decided he'd like his money back.

I tell you what, Desmond, you can have your money back and you can walk away from your responsibilities as soon as you let the state sterilize your stupid ass.  I don't usually support the violation of people's rights and their bodies, but what the hell?  This guy should be fitted with a padlock on his drawers.  He obviously cannot make decisions with anything other than his dick and he needs to have all access to it cut off immediately.

2.  The Lady in the Silver Lexus on 69 South Highway & the 151st St Exit Thursday Afternoon.  This one is personal.  I hope it finds her.  It's sort of like those Desperately Seeking Susan ads only I desperately want to punch this woman.  She's about 40 and she wears a Bump-It in the front of her head.  She had big bug eyed sunglasses and manicured nails (I noticed when she gave me the bird) and she drives like a blind person.  This is for her:

What the fuck is your problem, lady?  Am I invisible?  Did you see my car when you decided at the last possible second to exit from the furthest lane?  Or did you just think I'd move and let you in?  Good thing I slammed on my brakes or else you would have run right into the side of my car, you twat.  I can't even believe YOU actually got mad at ME when I honked at your stupid ass and flipped you off.  I can't believe YOU told ME to fuck off.  Maybe if you got off you fucking phone and paid attention to where you're going you wouldn't have this problem.  Maybe if you took your head out of your ass 2 miles back and realized your exit was coming, I wouldn't have to tell you what a fucking moron you are.  BTW, you wear a Bump-It in the back of your head, it's not for your bangs, you asshat.

3.  Mason is the Number 2 Boys' Name Because of the Kardashians.  Mason is a cute name and I like it a lot.  I'm not bagging on anyone who named their kid Mason.  I just hope that if you named your child Mason it was because you liked the name, NOT because Kourtney Kardashian and her douchey dad of a husband named their kid Mason.  Please do not let those vapid, no-talent, wastes of space influence anything you do.  What is America coming to if our number 2 boys' name was influenced by those idiots??!

4.  The Parents Who Put Their Kid in a Washing Machine.  WTF?!  I have no idea what these two were thinking, but obviously not Let's put the kid in the washer and see if the door LOCKS and it starts to FILL with water!!  Give them time, I'm sure they'll be on the Today show telling us all about their lapse in judgment.  We've all done bonehead things with our kids, but putting them in a washer is pretty up there.  At least they seemed concerned and didn't laugh while the kid was drowning in sudsy water.

The person I'm most interested in is the guy in the red hat who keeps STROLLING by to see how it's going while the parents work frantically to open the door and find help.  Way to be helpful, you asshole.

5.  People Who Expect Me To Referee When They're Arguing With Someone on My Blog.  Yeah, I'm talking about you, Jim.  Why is it that when people disagree with what I write and someone else jumps to my defense, the first person cries that his feelings are hurt?  WTF?  Put on your big boy pants and take it.  When you comment on a blog like this, you're going to get pushback.  Deal with it.  Especially if your comment is sexist, racist, and/or just plain ignorant.  If you can't hack it, then don't write it.  Don't come whining to me that someone said something that hurt your feelings and you want to know if that's how I feel too.  This is not a preschool class.  Sack up or hit the road.  Oh, and one more thing, don't tell me to stop swearing.  I fucking hate that.

71 comments:

imbogus1 said...

I fuckin' hate that too...all of it you ass clowns !!

Michelle S. said...

Mini punch? I think ALL of these deserve a big HUGE punch.

Anonymous said...

Ugh Desmond is maddening. I'm not sure who's more stupid - Desmond, the women, or unfortunately the 30 kids who likely are doomed to a life of state sponsorship because they come from some seriously f'd up genes.

There is so much wrong with this story I think the only thing to do with Desmond Hatchett is to take a hatchet to his man parts...and this coming from a man!

Anonymous said...

I had to watch the washing machine video twice because after the first time I thought "no one could be that moronic. This must be a stunt. They put a baby doll in there to freak out the other people in the laundry mat". No such luck. Some people are idiots...and they had a baby. Great.

Anonymous said...

Masen was also Edward's last name when he was human in Twilight. I have always loved the same Mason.

Jen Too said...

DITTO on all counts!!!
Desmond could've spent his money on condoms... would've been cheaper for all of us.
Jim, dude, SERIOUSLY? Fuck that!
Keep swearing sista! ;)

gina said...

You are DA BOMB!!

JenKap said...

The kid in the washing machine video is very, very disturbing. How horrible for that child! I teared up watching this.
All very disturbing mini-punches, keep them coming!

Anonymous said...

That poor child!!! That kid should be taken away from those parents! What a disgrace! People like that don't deserve to have children. Really stupid! I am sick after watching that video.

Katie Fritzsche said...

I was on the Kardashians have no talent boat for a long time, and I'm still not sure why the have shows (although they are wildly popular so I can't be the only one watching. Yeah, I want, even though I swore I wouldn't....I spend I lot of time talking to the tv...)
However, they are succesful business women, their stores, those were before the shows, and while I'm feeling ridiculous for defending somewhat fictional figments of imagination... I just want to say at least they aren't sitting around sucking up oxygen, they are doing something, even if its not the same something you or I would do.

Katie Fritzsche said...

However, I would never name my kid after them. And is laugh and point at anyone who did.

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

The Desmond situation reminds me of the movie Idiocracy....I agree mini punches? Ugh we need a giant SWAT team punch squad.

Gossip_Grl said...

I just saw something about the manwhore Desmond who thinks it is the country's obligation to pay for his 30 kids and needs punched in the testicles for being such an idiot.

[email protected] said...

Showing my ignorance here, but what is a Bump-It?

Maitri said...

Naming a kid Mason because it was Edward's last name in Twilight before he became a vampire, is almost as fucking stupid as naming a child Mason because Kourtney Kardashian did it.

Anonymous said...

I love love love your driving rant. Wanna guest blog for me? (Here's hoping).

Keep the swearing up. Good to have a wide vocabulary: particularly useful when driving.

DreadfulDrivers

Anonymous said...

Agreed, they are definitely shallow, but they are obviously good at what they do, so who cares? If you don't find them entertaining, don't watch them. They aren't hurting anyone (unlike the guy with 30 kids).

Autumn said...

LMFAO!!! Fuck 'em and the horse they rode in on too!

Unknown said...

I loved every. word. of. this. post. but I particularly loved "asshat".

thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

I thought of you when I read the Desmond story and was hoping you'd give him a throat punch. But honestly, more than him I think the women need one.
WTF is wrong with these women? If he's really that great in bed and you can't keep your legs closed to this man whore, get on the pill. Seriously?!?! It's free at planned parenthood! WTF were they thinking? "I know he's a piss poor excuse for a parent to his other 20 kids, but I know he'll be great with the next one we have."
Kort

Kelly and Sne said...

This one's for you, Jen, in reference to #5.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=208483042605575&set=a.167291446724735.34412.167290316724848&type=1

p.s. What is a "Bump-It"?

Lorraine said...

I watched that washing machine kid video at work, which was the absolutely wrong thing to do because I GASPED! very dramatically and then had a few moments of "oh my God, no. No. No." Needless to say that my co-workers either thought I was crazy or wanted to punch me.

Lor

Anonymous said...

Re: The name Mason. To console your worst fears, I work with preschoolers and "Mason" as a name has been crawling up the charts for a while now. I think saying "It's cuz the Kardashians!" is the media seeing a pattern where there is none. More likely, the Kardashians just chose a popular name.

Unknown said...

I have to say that the women sleeping with this guy are dumber than he is. He's obviously not taking care of these kids so it means nothing to him if he has unprotected sex and gets someone pregnant. But what kind of idiot sleeps with a guy with 20-something kids and doesn't insist on birth control? And since there are only 11 mothers that means that at least some of these women did it more than once! They are really the ones that deserve a punch.

Too Smart for Her Own Good said...

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one being cut off in traffic this week. Mine was of the male persuasion no bump it, but seemed to be a bit too short to be driving legally. On the asshat breeder, what a fucking great poster child for forced vasectomys. The woman sleeping with this guy should be slapped repeatedly then further accosted for not using their right to use birth control. I feel sorry for all of his kids.

Cheryl said...

Laughed my friggen ass off!

This is a Bump-It: www.bighappiehair.com (a la Google. If you type it into the Google Search bar, you will see pictures too. Basically it's a pouf of hair you attach with a comb to your existing hair, creating a Bump (hence the term "Bump-It." I'm pretty sure only the cast of Jersey Shore uses them though. Oh and bitchy ass ladies who don't know how to drive.

Morgan said...

I LOVE you! When I am having a trying day, I read your blogs and laugh my ass off.

Anonymous said...

Bumpits are pieces of plastic that can be inserted underneath your hair, giving you that oh-so-desired "alien from Mars Attacks!" look:

http://www.amazon.com/Big-Happie-Hair-Bumpits-Volumizing/dp/B00285EQ50

Anonymous said...

"He obviously cannot make decisions with anything other than his dick and he needs to have all access to it cut off immediately."

Sterilizing him won't restrict access to it, just what comes out of it. If you are supporting the full castration route, I'm all for making him a eunuch. (And offering it as a burnt sacrifice to the spirits while he watches...a la Game of Thrones).

Anonymous said...

I live in Knoxville and he was in the news 2 years ago when he only had 21 children. I'm not sure which party is stupider him or the baby mommas. I think they are still waiting for more mommas and kids to come out of the woodwork. My favorite part of the story 2 years ago and still today is that he knows all of their names and ages. Like that's supposed to make him a good father!

Anonymous said...

I know, right??? I've just been picturing these moronic women rubbing their preggo bellies saying, "Daddy may have sucked at supporting your 29 brothers and sisters, but you...daddy is gonna LUV you baby! This is gonna make him grow up and be the man all ten of his baby-mamas just KNOW he can be!" Idiots...they all need to be sterilized!

Anonymous said...

LMAO! I can picture it now.
Kort

Miss Takes said...

I would say it's equally stupid. Seriously. The only thing stupider would be naming your kid Mason because you really want him to grow up to become a bricklayer.

My Daily Jenn-ism said...

At #2 - I was thinking yeah Jen, you go girl! Give that bitoch the bird! I, personally, have "the beeper" who every flipping morning somehow ends up on my ass in traffic on a 2 lane road beeping the entire way - as if I could do a flippin' thing about the traffic in front of me... She gives me road rage.
THEN I got to #4 and my jaw hit the floor! People put their friggin' kids in the washing machine???? Not the sharpest tools in the shed, I'm thinking... As always - fun AND informative! Happy Tuesday :)

[email protected] said...

Thanks!

Ceci said...

Your blog = my sentiments exactly. AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY!!!!! What will the rest of the week bring?

Ali said...

I agree, especially the parents who put their kid in a washing machine. That was a hard video to watch. HUGE punch plus a phone call to child services!

Melda said...

I had to "google" a bump-it and the "instructional" video is still making me burst into random fits of 80's insanity reminders....

Again, as a foster parent, dumbass parents hit too close to home for me. I just can't wrap my brian around that kind of stupidity. 30+ kids? seriously....put that thang up.

Washing machine?

These people need to be zapped with some kind of sterilizing chemical / electrical charge .....something.

Linda Roy said...

Hell to the yes Jen! Weird, I had a woman in a white Lexus and stupid bug ass sunglasses almost back over my kid yesterday in the Target parking lot. I yelled at her after screaming because I was so freaked out that she almost hit my kid and then she looked at me like "Wtf is your problem?" Throat punch! Throat punch!" The washing machine thing I had not heard about. Holy shit - people get dumber every day and yes, they all end up on the Today show. The Kardashians? Stupid idiots and they need to go away. Amen!

kaptnkarl said...

I just saw the Bump-it instructional video and I'm still shocked. Is there really anyone that thinks that looks good? There was one girl at about the 38 sec point that looked like she was dressed up like a princess. She was the ONLY one that didn't look hideous. I realize that, as a 50 yr old male from a small town, I shouldn't expect to get the point of modern fashion. But this is like the low pants craze. Whoever though plumber's butt was attractive? I guess it was the same person who thought up the Bump-it.

Kim said...

Throat punches for them all, with an extra junkpunch for the idiot who can't keep his pants on. An extra-HARD junkpunch.

Linda Kish said...

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog. It's such a breath of fresh air reading honest opinions.

Unknown said...

Snooki hair.

Marcella said...

Completely agree. Well said Jen! And for the record, I could not bring myself to watch the washing machine video. What the hell is wrong with people???

liza said...

wow...see Desmond is why i dont prefer to watch the news anymore. why do they think that idiot and his name should be a household word now? who are all these women and why would the court only order him 1.50/mo? make his ass work so much that he doesnt have time to fuck another child into existance! ugh. why did you mention his name?? i think all idiots should be rendered nameless LOL.

as for the beotch on the highway...are you sure it was that snookie chick drunk again?

I agree Mason is an adorable name, and not just cause Kourtney's kid is adorable LOL

The laundry mat idiots were on my morning news. NEWS PEOPLE is for NEWS not for any video clip you have that is buzz-worthy! There is a difference, please seek it out! double ugh. And for the record, I don't believe that those fuckers didnt know the goddamn door locks once it starts. sorry, i've only used a laundry mat a handful of times and even I KNOW, um, it locks. Question: do the news crews just go out on a slow week and post up ANY ole thing to make our society look more stupid than it already does?? triple ugh.

um, i curse alot too, and I dont have time to argue with anyone on your blog, LOL. i probably wouldnt even know they commented on my comment.

love your blog btw

Cyndi said...

Crazy Jim is obviouly crazy. He told me that I was obviously "one of those people who only has friends that agree with me". I'll take your mini punch of him as being on my behalf as well. Thanks.

andria said...

Sounds like his child support costs less than the c-bags would have cost.

Andrea said...

I fucking LOVE this blog!

Anonymous said...

My 6-yr-old nephew is named Mason and people say "Ooh, like the Kardashians". No, he's about 4 yrs older!

We get the same shit about our dog, Bella. She's 9, we didn't name her after Twilight. That shit wasn't even around then!

Anonymous said...

When I had my first son, we got to put his footprints and name on the wall. One baby already on the wall wa name Brody Bryk Mason, and yes, his dad was a brick mason.

Anonymous said...

Why do I think it's so funny when a woman calls another woman a twat?!! I peed just a little reading that.....

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh all over again.

Susan Thatcher said...

You have to go through 9 kinds of qualification to get a dog or cat from a rescue organization, but anyone with a working reproductive system (and a few who need substantial medical intervention) can have a child. Or 14.

jmfelicity said...

Which post has "Jim" arguing with other posters? I really really want to read that...

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

Just curious- when you typed "twat," how did you pronounce it in your head; the British way, or the American way?

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

jmfelicity, Jim the Douchey Dad is here: http://blogs.babble.com/kid-scoop/2012/05/07/a-boy-and-his-balls/

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

What about if you want him to join a weird old man club?

Fata Morgana said...

I definitely thought the new Miller Lite "punch top can" would have made this list. Though trying to give college kids a "smoother faster pour" and "less glugging" cannot compare to a kid in a washing machine, or the man with machine-gun spunk.

TNMom said...

I can not and will not watch the washing machine thing....visions like that plague my dreams. Douche bags!
Love it Jenn!
Devan

Jill's Frills said...

I don't say this often enough, but you are FABULOUS! You inspire me to be bitchier and to be proud of it!

Anonymous said...

PLEASE find time to punch this chick: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/22/lauren-odes-native-intimates-fired_n_1535498.html?ref=tw

I would but I'm too busy complaining I'm too busy when I'm really only busy doing stupid stuff. ;)

Keri K.

jmfelicity said...

Thanks Jenn. Wow! Why was he was so upset about this? I think he is totally wrong in his opinion. You should answer kids questions at age appropriate levels. And you answer the questions they ask without going beyond that. This gives them the info that they need when they are ready. They learn that they can come to you with the hard questions and you will answer them truthfully and honestly. My mom told me at age 5 when I asked. I was totally grossed out. Funny enough I got over being grossed out by adulthood with no need of therapy. I glad I didn't have a standoffish mother who got all nervous and wouldn't tell me. THAT might have required therapy. I know I would not have been as close to her as I was and trusted her as a teenager.
Oh, and my folks never told me that santa was real. And I haven't with my daughter either. We all have honest relationships.

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

Yes! I thought we were the only parents who don't do Santa! We catch so much shit for that. "You're robbing him of his childhood!" Bullshit, he still gets presents, he just appreciates them more because he knows his father worked hard to earn the money to buy them.

Unknown said...

#1: That guy is just...there's no reason...I can't even...ugh.

#2: I hate people like that. It's like the road belongs to them, and everyone else had better get out of their way. Unfortunately, it seems this is the way all Utah drivers are born and raised.

#3: Haha, my son's name is Mason. Although he's 5 1/2, and I picked the name before any Kardashian grandkid was ever in the works...at least I think so--I don't "keep up" with the Kardashians any more than I have to, so I really wouldn't know. Lol.

#4: Wow. I'm in tears. That is NOT RIGHT! Even if he hadn't closed the door, why would you teach your child that a washing machine is a safe place to play?

#5: Haha, too funny. If you can't take it, don't dish it out!

Sarah said...

I agree, He's only 33, so when you start doing the math on babies per woman, and babies per year, it really begins to blow your mind. Some people are so dumb, I am at a loss for words. Fortunately for me, PIWTPIT is not :)

Anonymous said...

Bitch please. She's attractive but not distracting. I hope she's not another Samantha Brick (or whoever that other "I'm sexy and I know it" but not really chick was).

But really, if the outfit she had on in the article was representative of what she wore in the office they were wrong. It was nicely conservative and fit her nicely. Tshirt and jeggings sound a little suspect to me though.

I vote for a mini punch until we get more information.

Single Lady

Anonymous said...

The broads who had kids 3 and up for Desmond need punches too. Come on. He was probably a deadbeat by then. What were they thinking? Magic Stick my butt.

Single Lady

Kim said...

A Bump-it... for her BANGS???? maybe she was in such a hurry because she didn't want anyone to see her ridiculous self!!! LOL

LazyDaisy said...

Okay, I'm pretty sure I have crossed paths with the bitch in the silver Lexus. I work on The Plaza in KC and I swear I almost got hit by her the other day. She knew her lane was an exit lane but she waited until the VERY last second to merge into my lane. Which I happened to be in... in the very spot she merged into. And then had the nerve to flip me off! I try to let things roll off my back but had I been driving my older car (which just died on me), I would have stayed right in her way and let he hit me. I hope she sees your post and my comment too!

Erika said...

OK, I admit that I had to Google Bump-its. Didn't we wear those in the 80s along with super feathered/hairsprayed/blowdried bangs? Was she driving a Delorean? Ohmigawd! Fer sher!

Anonymous said...

stupider?

The C-String

Underwear or cuff bracelet? You decide. Today when I was getting dressed, I was complaining about how hot I was. It's 90 degrees to...

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