People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Life is Hard When You're Six

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Life is Hard When You're Six


I don't know about you, but there are so many times in my life I would just love to go back to Kindergarten. I'd love to spend most of my day learning to write my name, coloring pictures of puppies, and singing my heart out in between two recesses, a lunch break, and a rest time. Yesterday when I mentioned my desire to go back to the "easy" life of a six year old, Adolpha let me know that I have a pretty jacked up memory. 

According to Adolpha, life is incredibly hard when you're six. 

She gave me a look that said:

You think playing out in the snow sounds fun? Well, it's an ordeal to stand there while your mother pushes and pulls and squeezes your limp body into all of your snow gear just so you won't get wet and cold and it's a pain to pick up all of your fun toys that your parents bought you to play with in the snow. 

It sucks that you have to bathe - alone (where is the fun in that? Who wants to linger in a tub all by their lonesome?). And why do you need a bath again today? You totally just did that yesterday. Having someone wash your hair is annoying. Putting on clean underwear is a drag. Getting your fresh clean hair combed and dried is borderline torture and now your piggy tails are uneven. Son of a bitch!

It really blows that you have to wait while someone else makes your lunch for you, especially when you are literally starving to death. It is outrageous when your lunch arrives with crusts still on the bread and apples on the side, when you clearly ordered your mother to make your sandwich sans crust and serve you canned fruit cocktail. Can't this woman do anything right today?



It is completely ridiculous when your brother expects to get a turn with the TV remote. As if anyone would choose not to watch "My Little Pony." It's like you can barely believe you're related to this chump.

It is so unfair that you can't use glitter or paint or glue or scissors or Sharpies without "supervision." WTF?  Don't people realize you're not a stupid little preschooler anymore? You're six now! Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place. All of these tans and taupes are depressing.

And by the way, how screwed up it is that you have to put an Angry Bird bandage on your ouchie because you used up all of the Hello Kitty ones on fake injuries? The humiliation of being seen in an Angry Bird bandage hurts more than the paper cut.

It is so rude when your mother suggests you take a nap. She should know better, she hates it when other people tell her she looks tired! 

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37 comments:

  1. This. Is. My. Daughter. She is in Kindergarten and almost 6. Thank you for this perspective. Love your blog. :)

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  2. My first grader unfortunately had the "best day ever" at an indoor water park this weekend and the horror: We only STAYED TWO DAYS and left before the second day was over! Now it is OVER and it was again the BEST DAY EVER! Her life is ALL DOWN HILL from here.

    From now on nothing but boring weekends at home watching The Bible miniseries on the History Channel for her. Maybe if we have no fun ever she will never be disappointed when it has to eventually end.

    Seriously, girl cried herself to sleep for an hour last night.

    FIRST GRADE PROBLEMS!

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  3. They should make a movie of Adolpha's life... maybe a "Triumph Of The Human Spirit" kinda thing. Call Meryl Streep! What? She can *definitely* play a six-year-old-- the woman is amazing.

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  4. "Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place. All of these tans and taupes are depressing."

    I have to say, I'm with her on this one! Glitter is always good!

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  5. OMG, I just laughed so hard (particularly oln the ecard picture) that my coffee came flying out of my nose! LMAO...you should post a warning: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EAT OR DRINK WHEN READING THIS BLOG!

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  6. In fact being 6 is difficult. NOt understanding stuff, not being able to do stuff, having to always try new stuff, having to learn, learn, learn, putting up with rules, rules, rules. Your 6 yo can not wait to be grown up and grown ups long to be 6 yo again. I guess being 6 would be a breeze if you knew what you know as a grown up.

    Excelent post, Truth is most ages are difficult from different perspectives.

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  7. In 10 years, this post will be SO embarrassing! OMG MOM! In 20 years, you'll sit down with a glass of wine together and laugh and laugh and laugh.

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  8. Truer words have never been spoken. 6 yr olds have it tough, yo.
    Especially when they can't have a cupcake before dinner, even though the won't eat the dinner regardless. And having to brush their teeth before bed AND in the morning. Oh, the horror.
    This reminded me of both my 4 yr old and 7 yr old. Someday they will realize how easy they had it. My hope is that they have their own kids so I can laugh and laugh...

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  9. My daughter is 15, and she is still like this. Why can't I take the car for a drive? Why can't I spend the night at my friends house (even though he's a boy with a huge crush on me) Why do I have to turn my homework in? Why can't I wear all black to Grandma's complete with Marilyn Manson makeup? School is for idiots - they don't teach us anything! Why do I have to go? I'm going to be a rock star - I don't need geometry. And on and on...etc. Does it ever end??

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    1. *sob* You mean to tell me that it doesn't end?! EVER?! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!

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    2. and when they're getting on 30....
      ..why is this room such a mess...someone better clean up all these toys. (they never, ever..ever did anything like that)
      ..how come there's never any matching socks in this house for ANYONE (I always bought a big bag of white just so I didn't have to deal with this specific shit)
      ...shit down and eat your dinner (don't get me started on this one)
      ..why am I always the one unloading the dishwasher, and dryer, (suck it up I loaded them)
      It's fun (exhasting) to live with your kid and their kids. There isn't a day that goes by that she hasn't had to eat crow.

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    3. yours is the best reply yet...my 34 year old son lives downstairs with his 6 year old son - who is so much like my son was they could be clones. I get to watch him parent someone just like he was....

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  10. Karen - I hear you. . .15 is tough, no?

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    Replies
    1. Yeah - it's a little scary. It was much easier when she wanted to be a Powerpuff girl.

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  11. "Besides, a little glitter would actually improve the decor around this place." My (almost) six year old daughter informed me that she doesn't like my clothes because they are boring. She thinks I should incorporate sequins into every outfit. Apparently, she thinks I would look better if I looked like I was dressed like I was ready to club it up at Studio 54 in 1970s.

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  12. Loved this post! Cracked up thinking that this secretly is what my six year old thinks.
    :)

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  13. This is like "Honest Toddler" all grown up. cracked me up. (also you should check out honest toddler, you'd get a kick out of it i bet.)

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  14. "What is the use of using scissors if it must be done under supervision? I wonder..."
    My son would say but then again he is only 2,5!
    Nice post!

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  15. Yeah, a life watching cartoons and having people do stuff for you is such a difficult burden to bear. As my 8-yo says "I need another assistant, besides you."

    Thanks a *bleeping* lot, kid.

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  16. Oh yes life is hard at that aga, or like my son would say: Mom you treat me like a 4 year old, I am almost 7 you know!

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  17. My five year old thinks his life could be pretty good...if he had minions.

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  18. Yes, the drama from my little Kindergartener this morning included her 3yo sister taking the BIG canoe paddle when *clearly* the older, bigger kid gets the BIG paddle. Did I mention these paddles are all IMAGINARY?? They were PRETENDING to paddle an imaginary canoe down an imaginary river in our playroom, with imaginary paddles - apparently of differing sizes and there was only ONE big one. Real tears followed the melee. (I'm not telling if they were hers or mine)

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    Replies
    1. OMG!!! were you hanging with my kids this morning??? Love when the fight about imaginary things! Life is so difficult for a 7 yr old and 4 yr old!

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  19. Love this post, so well written! How about a "Life Is Hard When You Are A Teen" post next?

    http://www.funnybabyvids.com

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  20. Adolpha's sentiment really gives some good perspective. Life is tough no matter what age you are, and it always seems like it would be better if you were any other age than you currently are. Except for being a teenager. I wouldn't do that again if you paid me good money! Little kids wouldn't want to grow up at all if they knew what they had to go through to get there.

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  21. The list of indignities is unending! I think I'll stick with being thirty-mumble.

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  22. What is WRONG with you woman?How dare you not replenish the Hello Kitty band-aids! I find it hilarious we both posted about our daughter's horrible life they are enduring.
    Here's to the boys in the family!

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    Replies
    1. That's me ^ Frugie, by the way.

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  23. I LOVE glitter. And Adolpha can't give you shit until she is a big enough kindergarten-bitch to do this: http://attractedtoshinythings.blogspot.com/2011/03/cheating-isnt-nice-artie-fartie-or-i.html

    Because, yeah. Being a bitch in kindergarten RULES.

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  24. I love it!! Sounds just like a little girl that lives in my house. She cries HYSTERICALLY when each and every fun thing I go out of my way to plan for her (and her sister) is over. I just don't get it. Oh and the fighting over who gets to be Belle, or Cinderella or whoever that day. NO, I'M RAPUNZEL!! NOOOO, I'M RAPUNZEL!!!!! Girls, it does not matter....you're both still gonna be the two little kids in my car annoying the PISS out of mommy!! Love those little stinkers! :)
    <3 Devan

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  25. Thanks for reminding me I don't want to be 6 years old again apparently!! But seriously, at almost 4 years old this sounds just like my own daughter, too. The nerve of me that I know nothing already according to her, lol!!

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  26. In the last week my 6 year old said to me "I don't like homework." I explained that the whole time she was in school she would have homework and in college also, her answer? "Then I just won't get a job, I am just going to be lazy." She also found out that didn't know what something was, she looked at me and said "So you DON'T know everything, I thought you were smart!" What's up with 6 year old attitude?

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  27. My youngest is 6. I laughed my friggin ass off.

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  28. The best post I've read all day!

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  29. Hilarious! I also have a 6 year-old who is quite the handful. Every morning before school, we have "The Morning Meltdown" as the result of trying to get her dressed. Which, I swear is like trying to negotiate with a tiny terrorist, much smarter than I. Oh, and I have 2 other daughters--ages 9 and 13.5--who give me a bit of insight of what is to come. HOLY HELL!! Everyone always says "Your poor husband. All that estrogen in the house!" WTF? He goes to work everyday....

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    Replies
    1. Unless that six year old got Her car repossessed today ....ummm I WIN.

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