People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Taylor Swift

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Taylor Swift

This morning I woke up to find a brouhaha raging around my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler and the Queen of "Who Me?" Taylor Swift.

OK, so here's the low down in case you were busy watching the news this morning where they talked about Hugo Chavez, snow storms, and those idiots in D.C. For some reason many of the news organizations did not lead in with the Tina-Amy-Taylor throw down. Shocking, I know!

A little back story for you: so, Tina and Amy did a ridiculously great job hosting the Golden Globes last month. Also attending was Michael J. Fox's adorable mini (but actually bigger) me son. He was Mr. Golden Globe or something dumb like that. Regardless of his title, he was on stage a lot of the night looking very Alex P. Keaton in a tuxedo and I think every girl who grew up in the 80s was sighing a little every time he came on the screen.

At one point in the night Tina and Amy realized that Mr. Golden Globe was just the type of guy Taylor Swift would like to get her manicured nails into, so she could love him so hard, and then he'd be forced to dump her painfully and awkwardly, and then she could turn around and write a best-selling song about him and let the world know what an asshole Alex P. Keaton 2013 really is. In order to keep her from ruining this fresh-faced young man, Tina and Amy took a shot at Taylor's insatiable lust for any pseudo-celebrity between the ages of 17 and 38 with floppy hair, boyish charm, and puppy dog eyes. They warned Taylor Swift to keep her grubby paws off the Little Fox.

No one thought much of this joke. This certainly wasn't the best joke of the night. (That was when they thanked Lena Dunham for thanking them for their hilarious roles that helped her get through middle school!) It certainly wasn't the meanest joke of the night. (That was about Zero Dark Thirty. Tina said, ". . . when it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.")

I say no one thought much of this joke, but apparently I was wrong. Taylor Swift did. Taylor has been ruminating on this put down for awhile now and she finally let Vanity Fair know that she thinks Tina and Amy are going to hell, because according to Taylor's BFF, Katie Couric, there is a "special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Whoa. That's a bit harsh. I would like to say, though, that if reservations are being accepted, I'd like to be in that particular circle of hell.

Are you keeping up with this girls gone wild cat fight? Basically Tina and Amy said, "Taylor stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and then Katie was all, "Girl, don't let haters bother you. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" and then Taylor was like, "I know! Right? Bitches" and then Tina was like, "You know what? Bitches get stuff done." Or it went something like that.

All I know is, Anne Hathaway must be kind of relieved right about now, because she was poised to take over Taylor's "Who Me?" crown and people were totally hating on her and her nipples and now she can just go back to being a nobody again, because I think she's too old to play Annie, which we all know is the next musical Hollywood will try and remake. [Update: I am totally psychic!]

OK, so back to Tina-Amy-Taylor. Here's the thing. I know this quote about women and hell, etc. I actually like this quote a lot. However, Taylor, you are off your fucking rocker. Tina and Amy are trying to help you. You are a hot mess. You jump from one pretty boy to the next. You probably have a secret Pinterest board where your whole wedding is planned and you just Photoshop new boys into the groom's spot. You date assholes and jerks and then wonder why you're so lonely. Shit, Taylor Lautner stood there like a statue while Kanye stole your thunder! That douchebag from One Direction is a playa. I'm a 40-year-old mom in the Midwest and even I know that much about him! Open your eyes!

I'm not saying Mr. Golden Globe is a jerk. I'm just saying the same thing Tina and Amy were saying, Slow the fuck down. You are 23 years old and you've dated more guys than most of the men in Hollywood! Watching your music videos is slightly disturbing when you realize that you've dated practically every single guy you've cast. Your casting couch is really getting a work out - and that's not even a euphemism!

How Taylor celebrates her "Almost 1 Week Anniversaries" with her boyfriends.
You're so desperate for love that over the summer you bought a house across the street from your 17-year-old boy toy's grandma. That relationship didn't work out for many reasons, but I'm guessing that at least one of the reasons was that when the summer was over he had to go back to high school! Plus, you kept dressing up like his dead great-aunt. Creepy! You are not Jackie O.

Just relax and enjoy your life. Stop trying to fill whatever void you have with a stud muffin, maybe even try a real muffin!

And another thing, Taylor. You're so full of shit. When you wrote a song about John Mayer dumping you and he cried about it, I wrote a post defending you. I stuck up for you and I told John to suck it up and stop whining so much. Well, now it's your turn. You can't have it both ways. You're being a hypocrite. You can't write about all these idiots that you date and make millions of dollars and then turn around and cry foul when some one talks shit on you.

You're so crazy you can't even see that Tina and Amy were trying to help you. They were warning you to chill out and stay away from yet another adorable boy who will have to break up with you via text message, because you bought the house next door, you're dressing like his mom, and you keep sending him pictures of what you think the kids you'll have together might look like.

47 comments:

  1. Wow I can't believe she crossed the line!! Stupid kid. What the heck is she thinking? Doesn't she know how much power the Tina/Amy team wield in Hollywood?? She'll be asking if you want fries with that after her next breakup.

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  2. I obviously am one of those who lives in a cave, cos I MISSED this one. First of all, as a 40-some odd mum from Canada who's heart was broken when Michael J Fox married a Yank - I'd like to say Alex P Keaton Jr is MINE!!!! So.....paws off MS Swift!!!! You're not ruining this man.

    But let me get this straight, she can date who-ever she wants. Tell the world they are jerks because they dump her. Write songs about them and make millions. Poke fun at others. But no one's allowed to poke fun at her?

    Grow.The.F.Up!!!!!!!

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  3. The second I read about this today, I just KNEW you were going to jump on it!

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    1. Totally what I thought when I read it :) get 'er Jen

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  4. I find it fascinating that anyone cares about any of this. Way more interesting than what actually was said or done. Which was what again? Celebrity stuff is like listening to the adult voices on Charlie Brown.

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  5. I love this. Have never liked TSwift. Bleck.

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  6. Jen, you are hilarious! Talk about some tough love today.

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  7. funniest post you have written!

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  8. Annie remake is already in the works. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2013/02/quvenzhane-wallis-to-star-in-annie-remake/

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    1. Well, there you go. It only made sense this one would be next. I'm just waiting for CATS!

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    2. Me too! I think I am the only person on th planet that never saw "Cats" during its 762 year run.

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    3. Cats is the only Broadway show that I've ever seen. It was amazing.

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  9. I would listen to anything Tina and Amy told me. T Swift is a cute girl, but until she has the years of experience these ladies have she should bow her head and listen. Oh, wait, she is listening............to KATIE COURIC!

    Alex P.Keaton was a cutie, but I soooo wanted to be Mallory;I know, not the hightest aspiration, but I was young, and she spent her days at the mall. What could be cooler than that?

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  10. Could not be better said. I immediately thought of you when I read about the "spat". Go after that twit.

    Also, they ARE making a new "Annie". Will Smith is making it and Hush Puppie will star.

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  11. The best part is that she's trying to claim in her Vanity Fair interview that she's only dated 2 people since 2010. Bitch, we know you're lying, we've seen the pictures! I have no problem with her using her songs to get back at men for dumping her...but don't start crying when it bites you in the ass.

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  12. This was by far one of my favorite posts Jen! I cannot stand Taylor Swift or the example she is setting for young girls. UGH! She makes me want to throw up! Best quote, Stop trying to fill whatever void you have with a stud muffin, maybe even try a real muffin! LMAO!

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  13. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor.... Nobody likes a bad sport.

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  14. I will stand behind Swift dating a bunch. Remember where we were 20 years ago? DATING A TON OF GUYS. Most were douche bags. It's the joy (not) of being a girl in your 20's.

    But Taylor Swift, if I can give you a piece of motherly advice. Thou shall not ever take aim at Tina and Amy. Not in Vanity Fair drinking lavender lemonade. Not on Twitter. Not ever.

    You call them. Apologize. Send a nice gift basket. Preferably something that includes chocolate. These women have kids and chocolate will sell like gangbusters.

    That's what you do.

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  15. I love this post! Tswift needs to take a dating break. I feel like a girl who dates that much must have zero best girlfriends. Because girlfriends tell you when you are doing dumb shit. She needs to make a friend with zero benefits and her own age.

    KK

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  16. She does need to think before she acts or speaks, considering she is in the public eye!
    What's even better is that apparently she's been doing an illuminati ritual onstage.
    http://vigilantcitizen.com/latestnews/taylor-swift-at-the-brit-awards-yet-another-illuminati-ritual/
    Yes, you can beleive it if you are unable to think for yourself of form your own opinion.

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  17. She should just keep quiet!

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  18. Taylor is too young and immature to realize that it is actually a huge compliment to get made fun of by Tina and Amy. That means your important in pop culture. I hope Taylor and/or her PR people realize that she needs to come out with a statement that:
    1: I plan on staying single for the next 6-12 months and just focus on my career/friends/family
    2: I am DONE writing songs about my ex's. This has gotten old.

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  19. I use to hold your Elf on the Shelf post as the gold standard of bat s@$t crazy, funny post, but I think this one now has the slight edge. I also have put in a reservation for the circle of hell where Tina and Amy (and now you) could potentially reside. Harps and clouds are overrated.

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  20. Oh, T. Swizzle... Here's the thing: Smart women don't help dumb women just because they both have a vaginas. Tina and Amy did you a fucking favor by even breathing your name that night. Get over it and stop embarrassing yourself.

    p.s. Can't wait to sit at the cool table in Hell! Fuck yeah!

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  21. I love this. You summed it up perfectly.

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  22. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor; you are doing what a lot of 23 year olds do- lots of highs, lots of lows- but you are doing it all for the public to see, so you're gonna hear it all. Buck up. Good news, you make a song, and laugh all the way to the bank. I am a mid 40's mom and I thought you were a fun, talented young lady when you first started. For a while though- you were ubiquitous; you even made my pet peeve list at Sadie's Gathering. You still have your moments; my daughters adore you. As for Ms. Couric, she's old enough to know better. As for Tina and Amy, I think they should host all the award shows, and start their own late night show. Talk about humor and intelligence at work!

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  23. You need to check out youtube Taylor Swift and goat - friggin hilarious, had us in tears on the weekend.

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  24. Swifty needs to check her sources before she quotes someone...that original quote is attributed to former Secretary of State Madeliene Albright who has a number of awesome quotes about women. It really grates on my nerves that this Taylor obviously has no sense of humor. If you can't laugh at yourself you are going to be miserable in life.

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  25. Oh boy...nailed it! I am so sick of Taylor Swift! She whines and cries that people are being so mean to her, making fun of her dating life. You can't tell everyone you are so innocent while going all doe-eyed during every victory speech when you jump in the sack with every John, Jake, and Harry you meet! You can't have it both ways. Time to claim some responsibility for your actions.

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  26. Go get her, girl! Love the "conversation" between Tina, Amy, Taylor, and Katie. Hilarious. By the way it was actually former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright who said that quote about the special place in hell. Katie must have been quoting her.

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  27. Taylor has to learn how to take a joke, especially since she is in the spotlight. Tina's response was dead on, that she expected James Cameron to be angry, not Taylor Swift.
    And she does need to slow her roll with the boys. Enough Taylor, enough.

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  28. I just heard about this on our local radio channel this morning. What a bunch of BS! Taylor is such a whiner. She should be flattered Tina and Amy made her into a joke!

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  29. Whoops wasn't done. I read a quote from her in US Weekly that said "I don't think I've ever yelled at an ex-boyfriend. Ever. I'm not a yeller. I'm not a fit thrower. If something's done, it's done. There's nothing that really needs to be said." Really?! I guess the songs you write after each breakup are saying nothing? What a load of crap. She is way overrated.

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  30. Well, I missed this latest Hollywood dust-up but thanks for enlightening all of us stuck in our humdrum lives. I'll now keep special tabs on who seems interest in my adorable 19 year old son with his floppy hair, boyish charm and puppy dog eyes.

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  31. And you didn't even mention how she can't sing....

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  32. Nothing wrong with Taylor Swift dating, that's what you do when you are young and single. I'm hardly a Taylor Swift fan, I can't stand her music but I do people talk about her dating too much, like she's doing something wrong. Thank goodness the cameras weren't around when I was in my early 20's.

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    1. Here's my take on it-date whoever you want. Have fun. But. Don't fall in love with every guy you date. Not every relationship is worth a couple of songs about your broken heart. It makes you seem like the crazy girlfriend, who keys the car of any woman they see talking to their ex. OR she's saying she's in love with these guys so when she writes the next album of break-up songs, she can pretend they are about them and try to boost her sales. Which makes her insincere.

      I think a better piece of advice is to try writing songs about something other than 'my most recent ex broke my heart.'

      I do think the Grammy joke was funny, and I think T.S. needs to develop a sense of humor. Or at least a thicker skin. She wanted the fame and fortune, she needs to accept everything that goes with it.

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  33. As the mother of two T-Swizzle lovin' daughters (except for the 4 months she was dating Harry Styles...then my 17 yr. old boycotted everything about her and made funny memes with her face), I'd much rather the "bitches from hell" be their role models. Before you go out looking for a boyfriend with a sense of humor, you need to get one yourself.

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  34. There are so many things wrong with Taylor Swift right now. First of all, she's offended by what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler said about her? But, she was all forgiving when Kayne West slammed her for her shitty music? (his words - sort of, not mine). Secondly, Taylor Swift dates high profile douche bags. My guess is she's a virgin and when these guys can't get in her panties they give her the boot. The fix? Stop dating actors and musicians who can bed any girl they want. Duh.

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  35. and her nipples ..... more about nipples ! nipples R good !!

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  36. This makes me so happy. Taylor Swift annoys the crap out of me!

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  37. @Wendy I think you're right. I think she won't put out so they keep dumping her. for that i cant blame her. she picks losers. but once she get a hold a real man with some chest hair, she'll be doing it up. and i cant wait for for "Slutty Taylor" to show up give us some real entertainment.

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  38. Also, this happened? Haha: http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/michael-fox-clears-air-taylor-swift-article-1.1244047

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  39. Harry Styles is gay, (but I bet you know that , since you know entertainment business, and that his mgmt made him "date" girls, since you know your facts) and I "apologise" for him being a "douchebag". Laughing.

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