Weekly Wrap Up 3.24.13

I'm suffering from deja vu. In February we had a long break from school and then just when it was time to go back BAM! we got hit with a snowstorm and the kids had a bunch more days off from school. This week was Spring Break. The kids are supposed to go back to school tomorrow. Guess what came last night?? Yup. Lots and lots of snow and still more on the way. I did not get enough milk!

I know, I know. For those of you in Minnesota and Upstate New York and Canada and Russia, this seems silly, but this is Kansas. We don't do a whole lot of snow. We do tornadoes.

This week I received an email from someone claiming to be my friend who had a little "constructive criticism" for me. Then she went on for several paragraphs about how I'm "losing her," because I've become a shameless self promoter who talks about nothing except my books and that my posts are getting dark because I blogged so much about my phobias this week. And, oh yeah, my blog is ugly and it would be great if I could take all of that book money I'm earning and redesign it so it's pretty to look at. And she ended it with the fact that I could "take" or "leave" her advice, because she was "just sayin'." Ugh. Just sayin' is the absolute worst.

When I read this email, I went through a range of emotions. The first was, "Are you for real?" to "Wow, that was harsh and a bit undeserved" to "OK, really? Now, I'm just irritated."

I'm irritated, because this is not how a "friend" acts. This kind of behavior is exactly the sort of rudeness I rail against. We are not "friends" if you tell me I suck. This is not what a friend does. A friend supports another friend - even when you think I suck. A friend would send me an email that said:

Hey Jen, congratulations on your new book. Wow. A best seller in less than two weeks, huh? Fucking amazing. I'm so happy for you and so proud of what you and your friends have accomplished. This just proves to me that when women get together and support one another they can really do anything! I can't wait to get my copy and share the word with my friends who could use a good laugh. Also, I was wondering. Is everything OK with you lately? It seems like that trip to St. Louis kind of screwed with you. Who knew you were so afraid of small, dark spaces? If you need to talk, I'm here for you. I know your birthday and your two year blogging anniversary are coming up and I was wondering if you had anything special planned for the blog? Wouldn't it be cool if you did a whole re-design of it? I have lots of friends who are affordable web designers that could probably help you if you ever decided to change it. Just let me know. That's what friends are for!

See how much better that was? That's how you treat a friend. You don't tell a friend, "Your ass looks big in those leggings, just sayin'." Because that is basically what this person did. No. You say, "Hey friend, I loved how great your ass looked the other day when you wore those cute jeans. Why don't you wear those tonight instead of those leggings?"

I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I enjoy writing on my crappy looking blog (I think that the fact that it's ugly is part of its charm). I write about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it's small, dark passages in a kids' "museum," sometimes it's celebrities who eat their own placentas, sometimes it's men who want to control my reproductive rights, sometimes it's overachievers ruining Valentine's Day, and sometimes it's me being an idiot. I will continue to write on this blog about whatever catches my eye and I will continue to write books.

I try to walk a very fine line between tooting my own horn and looking like an asshole, but let's face it, I'm kind of an asshole. I have been from day one. I've never tried to pretend like I'm not. If I don't promote myself, who will? I've never been a humble bragger. I am just straight up braggadocious. And you know what? I'm excited! I have had two books now that have been best sellers. That's a big damn deal to someone who is trying to call herself a writer. Of course I'm going to talk about them! Why wouldn't I? Anyone would. I wonder if this woman has a best selling book? Just sayin'.

Now. Let's forget her and move on to some more shameless self promotion to really piss her off:

If you live in the Kansas City area then you have two opportunities to come out and see me! I've created two Events on the Facebook page where you can RSVP and get the details.

Book Signing at Mommy Shop - April 27 from 10 am to 12 pm I will be signing copies of I Just Want to Pee Alone at the Mommy Shop in Overland Park with my Bic Lady Pen. I will be joined by my co-authors, Tara of You Know it Happens at Your House Too and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs. Mommy Shop is putting on a bit of a to-do. They'll have mimosas and muffins and swag bags if you're one of the first to arrive. Please come and see us so that we're not sitting there all alone getting drunk on all of those mimosas. Please RSVP so we know how many to expect.

Listen to Your Mother - May 11 from 7 pm to 9 pm I will be appearing live and on stage at the Unity Temple on the Plaza in a fancy new pair of Crocs. There are several writers who will be reading that night and I'm not sure what they have in store, but I will be reading something hilarious and funny, so be sure to wear your Depends. I will be terrified, so I'll probably wear Depends too, just in case. I'm also thinking that if there is any interest, I'll plan an after the performance get together on the Plaza. Like another Friend's Night thing. You can buy your tickets to LTYM here.

I Just Want to Pee Alone is still available for sale (nope, I didn't stop selling it after my friend told me I talked about it too much). Do you have your copy yet? Still on the fence? Here are a couple of reviews to check out to help you make up your mind:

Crappy Pictures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

The Sweet Chick's book review

And this happened this week:

I met The Bloggess and gushed like a freaking fan girl. I practically cried. I waited for three hours to get her signature (but it was fine, because I was kid-free and I brought a book to read - bliss). She is a rock star and an inspiration to funny women everywhere. I also managed to slip a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone into her hands for a little light reading for her plane ride home.

Top Read Posts This Week:

This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us - I can't decide if this place is fun or a torture chamber.

Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch - The next time a troll tells me I don't love my kids, I will refer them to this post.

Why I Don't Want Another Baby - I love babies, but I love them more when they're someone else's.

Companies Who Think Women are Dolts - First there were lady pens and now toy companies think women don't know how to play with cars.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

I went up with me husband, our 4 month old, and some random other couple. We JUST get in and my son messes his diaper- big time, to this day it was still the worst diaper blowout ever. Trapped in a pod...my hubs says oh gonna change him? How is that going to work, we are shoved in here T2A with complete strangers...excuse me we haven't met, is it okay if I stretch my sons poop smeared legs across your lap while I clean him up? Oh no? We sat there in silence as we SLOWWWWLY crept up the arch and the smell crept crept up our nostrils. When the door opened the other couple busted out of there like there was a fire. Welcome to St. Louis ya'll! on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

I think that you've got the theme for your next book started! "Move Over - I Think I'm Gonna Hurl!: Stories of Family Trips in America" Should be a best seller, based on this start! on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

You know when you look out those windows on the way up and there is that rickety staircase just in case of power failure or whatever? Well, about 20 years ago, I had to get OUT of one of those stupid cars about 2/3 of the way up and WALK DOWN. I was sure that I was going to die - fireman help or not. (Power outage - they let us out after nearly 45 minutes of sitting there in the dark). Never. ever. again. on Just in Case I Wasn't Feeling Crazy Enough, We Decided to Go to the Arch

That sounds like a place I could say to my husband - "Hey - I heard about this awesome thing in St. Louis. Maybe you and the little man should have a guys' weekend." Then I would do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hmmmmm on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

While I can relate to the phobia's, I LOVE the City Museum and so do my kids. It is one of the coolest places in the world. You will never see anything like it again. And please tell me you found 10 story slide...and the bar. You know they sell booze there, right?!? on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

Sadly, I did not know this. This is why they need a damn map!!

Jesus, sounds and looks like something from the set of "Escape From New York." on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

Thanks for the review, now I know where to take my husband when I'm ready for him to die. That would definitely kill him "naturally." on This Museum Should be Called Phobias "R" Us

It doesn't come pre-loaded with the Period Tracker app? Assholes. And, if I had been invited to the Hot Wheels Training Whateverthefeck Thing, I would've just sat there, running the cars into my head and asking them why they have to make things so complicated. Assholes. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

If I had been a blogger and been invited, I might have gone. Just to embarrass them (and myself, probably). I'd have the car wheels-up, then look to the closest man "Mine's broken. Could a big strong man like you help widdle biddy ol' me? What? Those round things go on the ground? That's so smart. Are you a doctor?" on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

Barbara the Builder! She would have a spatula and a glue gun. Also a mirror b/c a lady should look her best. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

I would love to get down on the floor with little Nathan Jr. to play vroom vroom but I'm wearing my ePad Femme. It's highly absorbent but makes it hard to sit down. on Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

Oh man! Her Wheelz? Don't just give away those golden ideas for nuttin' yo! that shit is brilliant! onCompanies Who Think Women are Dolts 

The trademark is in the works!


Peeke said...

I bet it was one of the "Marie Antoinette" crew that wrote you that email. They just can't let it go can they?

It's why you like me said...

I'm confused about this alleged "friend"...is she not familiar with the name of your blog? Does she WANT to be punched in the throat? Obviously she is an attention whore and knew if she pissed you off you'd write about her and now she can feel all special and important. I have a blog subject that thinks he is an international celebrity now....I puffy heart The Bloggess and I'm super jealous you met her!!!

Unknown said...

So are you still friends with her? Or did you cut her off? I don't think I would out-right cut someone off; I'm more the stony-silent-treatment-for-life type.

Shannon said...

Huge deep breath and big hug. One of my personal mantras, "their negativity is a projection of themselves, and it has nothing to do with me." I unfortunately have a lot of negative women in my family and I have found over the years that their monologues, judgments, and little picks against me are sad reflections of their own low self confidence. It's like 6th grade all over again. So smile and know you accomplished something and they are just so jealous that you put yourself out there and they are too afraid to do the same for themselves. Just sayin'.

Stacey Hatton said...

"Friend" sucks, book ROCKS!! Move forward and keep on, keepin' on! She isn't even worthy of one of your throat punches.

Michelle said...

I lost 2 followers this week and was wondering if it was from the shameless book plugging. SHAMELESS because I AM NOT ASHAMED to be a bestselling author when for the past 17 years my meter of excitement has been dependent on what flavor icees Target has. But, oh goodgod, the passive aggressive haters are the worst. I have a mother for that shit.

Unknown said...

Never in my life would I have thought I would want to live in Kansas, but to hang with you, Tara, and Stacey? I would live in Kansas.

I like the way your blog looks. Every time I want to waste the afternoon making my blog prettier, I think about you and how you focus on great posts and writing best-selling books instead of a blinged out blog, and I sit down with my notebook and butch man pen and write words instead.

You are authentic and real. Those of us that don't have sand in our vaginas respect that.

Lisa said...

Your "friend" can suck it. If you did not self promote I wouldn't have known about the book and then I wouldn't have laughed my ass off while reading it and letting my son play way too much Minecraft so I could finish reading it. She is selfish that she didn't want me to enjoy it.

This Is Fifty With Lil said...

Dear Jen: I love you just the way you are.

Anonymous said...

Yep - definitely NOT a friend. When I started my blog I had a "friend" who was mad that I did. Her response was, "I'M the one who is a writer. What business do you have trying to write?" When I asked her if she had read it she said, "No. I don't waste my time reading anyting that's not by a true author."

My response was just like yours ... Uh, you are NOT my friend. Jerks! Just sayin',

Momma O said...

Something I am noticing from the so called fans of you and Mom's Who Drink and Swear, and Insane In the Mom Brain, is that there are too many people hatin'! It is kind of sad that a lot of women, can't just be happy for other women's successes. Some are just trained to be that way. OH and another thing, if you were some guy who was promoting his book, you would be considered smart and savvy. There is no shame in that game. We don't promote ourselves enough! Rock on, Jen! Fuck the nay-sayers!

This Is Fifty With Lil said...

Also, I wonder if that "friend" is a food blogger? Seems they hate real people... or, maybe, just me.

muzhizhena said...

The crappy look of your blog DEFINITELY adds to the charm. Don't go gettin' fancy.

J A said...

Ugh. This is one reason why my husband, my sister, and my BFF are the only people who know about my blog. A lot of other people know I have one, but not how to find it. I really don't want asshole criticism on this particular thing, and so many people just can't help themselves. Anyone who doesn't like something they are reading should probably just go read something else.

J A said...

Oh, my god. What makes someone a "true" writer? Publication? Education? What a pretentious asshole thing to say. Didn't Snooki write a book? Your friend is a member of a very elite club indeed.

mugschatz said...

If at some point you INSIST on changing the look of your blog, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T use a dark-colored background. When I was inspired to read a bunch of different blogs during that Funniest Mom Blogger competition or whatever it was called last month, there were a couple that were actually half decent but which I physically couldn't stand to look at because they were in light text on dark backgrounds. Aside from being funny as hell, PIWTPITT is easy on the eyes. As for self-promotion, I have to agree with the folks who say what looks bitchy on a woman looks businesslike on a man, and nobody will buy your book if they've never heard of it. Keep up the good work!

Spirit of Hope and Kindness Awards said...

I want to punch myself in the throat for living so far from Kansas that I won't be with you for your book signings... I bet so many people will come they'll need security. :)
Love you girl..xo

Maple Syrup Land said...

Screw that. You wrote a best-selling book, I'd say that gives you the right to talk about about it and promote the shit out of it anytime you can! Also, when you insult someone, ending the insult with "just sayin'" doesn't negate the insult, it just makes the Insulter look like a passive-aggressive asshat, on top of that mouthful of sour-tasting grapes they seem to be chewing on

SO cool you met The Bloggess...I love her and fear that if I ever got to meet her I'd come off like a deranged fangirl

ana88lg88 said...

I met the bloggess this week too when she was in ohio, long drive and long wait but totally amazing!

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

Your blog header makes your ass look fantastic. Just sayin'. Ellen

Janine Huldie said...

Two awesome women in one photo, just loved it seriously you too looked amazing!! :)

Anna San said...

Another person here very sad suddenly not to be in Kansas. And the pic with the bloggess is too awesome.

Anonymous said...

Yep. I like you.

amyunicorn said...

I once was told that someone didn't like to 'hear' (read) about my talking about my mental illness, fears and phobias. Huh, strange thing is, it's MY blog, I write about what *I* want. Weird, eh?

Kudos to meeting the Bloggess! I think I would cry if I got the chance to meet her!

Tracy said...

That happened to me on Facebook once! Someone basically told me after unfriending me in no uncertain terms that I was a bad role model (I teach at the gym) because I dared to use the term "sandy vagina" during a post where I couldn't sleep... again... (due to stress thanks to job loss, money problems, foreclosure, and bankruptcy... which I hadn't advertised)... she didn't bother to think maybe something was wrong with me as she noticed my increasingly negative posts. The day after that happened a real friend messaged me asking if everything was okay because they had noticed some of my posts seemed down or angry... THAT is a real friend. The rest of them can just go to hell. And yes... everything she said about me truly was a reflection on her, not me. :) Keep on keepin on Jen! You're awesome.

Stacie said...

Hahahaha!! I read YOUR letter thinking it was HER letter and I was all, "ummmmmm, I don't get it, I must be a real a-hole..."

Cathy said...

Note how she had to email it to you...had she posted her comments on the comment section of a blog, us fans would have been all up in her shit defending you :) My daughter and her friends always say "haters gonna hate" (which I hate btw) but it seems so appropriate right now.

TNMom said...

I wonder how much it costs to fly from Nashville to Kansas....? Just sayin....

Linda said...

I had a "friend" like that once too. I kicked her sorry, sad ass to the curb when she pulled this classic passive aggressive crap on me too. Keep on braggin', girl! You should be super duper proud of your hilarious blog and your awesome book - which I finally downloaded and am reading. I cry with laughter almost every time I read your blog. Keep on punching 'em in the throat! And thanks.

My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yard said...

Jelly friends can't handle this shit, yo.

Unknown said...

I, too, find it odd that someone would be upset that the blog is dark. It's always been dark-it's a blog about crap that ticks you off. Did she think 'people I want to punch in the throat' was a euphemism for 'No complaints here'? Keep the book promos coming. I'd rather see a paragraph at the end of your blog promoting your book than have pop up ads for the Gap and Virgin Mobile.

Hopping Along said...

From what I understand your book is completely self-published right? You are the literary agent for the book so how else would it sell? Just sayin:-) Keep up the great work!!

HypocriticalOath said...

First of all, haters gonna hate. You keep on doing what you are doing as you are extremely talented. People say that kind of shit b/c they are jealous. And ESPECIALLY a woman who is married who is a mother who is successful? People's brains short circuit when they realise you can do all of those things and they can't say "well she might be funny but she's going to die alone" or "She's talented but so sad no man will have her." I am successful in my career and I am married/ have a kid and people just HATE on that. Even Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook says "Both men and women love successful men and respect them. But both men and women have greater disdain for a woman who is successful." Why is that? Personally I think those who hate on successful women are like this: men feel less manly. Women feel jealous. Simple as. Just ignore it and keep aiming for your goals AND keep selling yourself!! You need to do it - no one else will toot your horn and men do it all the time for themselves. No one complains. they say it's good branding but if a woman does it it's selfish or arrogant. BULLSHIT. You do you, girl. Get yours.

runningnekkid said...

I have no idea what the hell your blog looks like because I am busy READING THE WORDS YOU WROTE.

But hey yeah a redesign would be an awesome present for your blog. Wouldn't have to be a *pretty* redesign; it could just be another "ugly" design. Whatvs.

Also, when a post of mine hit like 300 reads in two days I was unbearable with the bragging. If I had even one bestseller, I think I would kind of take pictures with it everywhere and that would be my entire twitter stream for YEARS.

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