People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

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Companies Who Think Women are Dolts

This week it has been brought to my attention that more and more companies think women are morons. It started with that stupid Bic for Her pen that comes in the adorable feminine colors: pink and purple and without a cap, because women just lose pen caps all day long.

Today I've heard about two different companies that are making a name for themselves by treating us like idiots.

The first one is the ePad Femme. What is the ePad Femme, you ask? I know it sounds like some new amazing feminine hygiene product ("Now with wings and micro-weave fibers!"), but no, it's better than that. It's a tablet designed just for our tiny hands and brains. This tablet comes with a lovely pink background and pre-loaded apps, because downloading apps is hard, yo. The pre-loaded apps are helpful ones that cover topics like grocery lists, yoga, and weight loss. You know, the important stuff. I'm surprised it doesn't come with house keeping and scrapbooking apps too. The makers of ePad Femme really dropped the ball on that one! However, I bet our husbands could help us find some sort of toilet cleaning schedule app. Now, if he could just find one to track my menstrual cycle and then this miracle device could sort of live up to its unfortunate name.
I can't remember where the "ON" button is!
Unless this tablet can make the food on my grocery list and melt inches off of my ass all while doing laundry and satisfying the Hubs in the sack, then I'm not buying it. I guess I'll just have to stick with my icky masculine tablet with all of those jumbly letters. The Hubs calls them "words," I just call them "pretty."

In case the makers of the ePad Femme didn't insult women enough, Mattel decided to tell us how inferior we are too. Mattel recently hosted a brunch in Manhattan for mommy bloggers so they could teach those dumb cows how to play with Hot Wheels cars.

See, Mattel has this theory that their sales suck, because MOMS don't know how to play with CARS with their kids.

OK, my head just exploded.

Let me say that slower so that the women who don't have a man close by to read this to them can understand: Mattel ... thinks ... Hot Wheels cars ... aren't ... selling ... because ... moms ... don't know how ... to play cars (those vroom vroom things) ... with their kids.

Yeah, those cars are so damn complicated. Yikes. What do you do with them? You can't just play with them willy-nilly. You've got to do something manly and purposeful when you play with Hot Wheels! You need to pretend to drive them to the office or to the oil rig. It's not like you can drive them to a grocery store or to pick up the kids at school.

Also, Mattel wanted to take this opportunity to teach moms about what their kids are thinking when they play with Hot Wheels cars. One mom actually said, “If there’s a company that’ll help me understand my kids better and share their content and research, I’ll give it a chance. I don’t always understand why my 2-year-old is maniacally throwing cars and then squeals with glee.” Yeah. Mattel doesn't know why your kid does that either, other than 2-year-olds like to throw stuff and squeal a lot. 

Wow. Those are some big ass truck nutz you got there, Mattel. You guys suck at selling crappy little cars and then you blame moms, because we're the ones who buy the bulk of the toys?

You're right. I buy a lot of toys. Some might even say a shit ton of toys. I buy the toys my kids ask for. They ask me for all sorts of toys: building blocks, puzzles, electronic games, coloring books, ponies, and more.

Want to know what they never ask for: Hot Wheels.

Hey, Mattel, I'll give you a hint why your product doesn't sell: it's boring as hell.

Oooh, I know a way to revive your flat-lining profits! Maybe you guys should make a whole line of totes adorbs hot pink and purple cars for the girls and call them Her Wheelz and then teach the dads how to drive them to the salon and the mall!


Shameless plug alert - Have you heard that I'm in a new anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone? Do you have a copy of it yet? You do? Great! Have you left a review for the book on Amazon yet? Still not sure this book is for you? Maybe you should read this review and then decide. 

photo: free digital photo

55 comments:

  1. I have no "pretty."

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  2. This post makes me insane. Is it 1950? Maybe Mattel needs to make pink cars with ruffles and Mom's will be abel to understand them. Idiots.

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  3. I hope Mattel at least hosted these blogger Moms to pretty petit fours and china cups of tea before instructing them on the use of small metal cars. You'd have thought Moms around the world would love Hot Wheelz because they are tiny enough for our delicate hands to hold.

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  4. I am right there with you. This is my own personal WTF: http://friends.lego.com/en-us/

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    1. I KNOW! I was flabbergasted when Lego Friends were introduced! "NEVER!" I said, then my 7 year old daughter saw it... sigh... We have multiple sets now. She loves them, because they give her stores and cafes to set up with her other houses she has collected over the past couple of years. It does make me feel better to know that my son loves to play with them as well, especially the lego people because they are more realistic looking.

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  5. Oh man! Her Wheelz? Don't just give away those golden ideas for nuttin' yo! that shit is brilliant!

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  6. Yep I totally understand this one! A few years ago Schick for women ran adds showing women feebly trying shave their legs in the shower and falling over or cutting themselves, just so we would buy their razor with the shaving cream built in! I guess we are too uncoordinated or stupid to add shave cream and then shave. One step too many for us poor women! Don't get me wrong I use a Venus which basically does the same thing but at least they did not make me feel like I am too stupid breath and shave my legs at the same time!

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  7. There used to be a booklet at work called something like "How to sell to Women". I was intrigued so I read it - one of the questions was actually, "Should I shake her hand and look her in the eye?" I just about imploded. Of course you should shake her hand and look her in the eye!! If some a-hole came into my house to sell me a new expensive HVAC system and didn't shake my hand or make direct eye contact, I would not buy from him. End of story. I thought, "Of course this is going to be written by some sexist Type A man," but it turns out it was written by a woman. A WOMAN. So when I was put in charge of literature for the company, I threw them all away. (Sorry trees, this one was personal.)

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  8. Hot Wheels are the worst - my kids get them for their birthdays and they beg us to put the tracks together. And you know what happens? They fall apart instantly. Crying and screaming ensues. It's pretty hard to explain to a 4 year old that his car set is falling apart because it's a PIECE OF SHIT!

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    1. YES! All my kids ever play with are the cars and the mats. You can keep the piece of shit tracks on the shelf, IMO.

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  9. Totally agree. You know what else really makes me angry, those 5 hour energy drink adds. The man drinks 5 hour energy and does all sort of cool stuff like record a debut album with his energy. In the woman version, she cleans the house and picks up after her kids. Now, those are great things to do, but why the heck does the man get to do fun stuff and the woman just does "womanly things" with more energy! Every time I see the woman add I get really angry. I want to use my 5 hours of energy to record debut albums not clean my stupid house.

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  10. The "pretties" on my masculine fruit themed typing device are all jumbled.

    This is just as bad a Lego/Duplo launching their girlified brick sets because little girls can't handle playing with the primary coloured standard blocks and need pretty things. I'm surprised I managed to survive childhood without all these brands pandering to my girly needs and having to play with "boy" toys...

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    1. But Sandra, surely all those hours playing with masculine toys is the reason that were all lesbians? ;)

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    2. But Sandra, surely all those hours playing with masculine toys is the reason that were all lesbians? ;)

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  11. Ugh, all I see when I my kids ask for hotwheels are the meltdowns in the near future. They can't put the tracks together, they can't set up any of the jumps or launches, there is nothing about hotwheels that allows for independent playtime. Putting the same track back together five million times a day for a two screaming preschoolers... ain't nobody got time for that.

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  12. ePad Femme???? Really??? Puke!

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  13. Wow. I too, thought it sounded like a feminine hygiene product, but I guess that's because I'm just a dumb girl.

    I have sons...would bringing home pink lego blocks and "HerWheelz(awesome!)" somehow warp them? Since those products are dumbed down for those of us with pretty little heads, the worry could be that my sons would grow up to be idiots. Or maybe cross-dressers.

    What do you think Barbara the Builder would have in her toolkit? Maybe a clothing iron, a curling iron, a dustbuster and a stand-mixer?

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    1. Barbara the Builder, love it.

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    2. Barbara the Builder! She would have a spatula and a glue gun. Also a mirror b/c a lady should look her best.

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  14. Another example of the sexism we have to face everyday. If this makes you mad you should check out the everyday sexism project
    and then you too will implode with rage as I did.

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    1. checking it out right now.

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    2. Wow! Probably better read these in moderation - my blood is already starting to boil!

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  15. Her Wheelz! I agree you shouldn't give that one away. I can see the purple and pink minivans now.... Maybe for the holidays they could make limited edition, glittered ones. You know how estrogen makes us LOVE sparkly things. They could also make little Mom City play sets to drive them around in. Grocery store, nail salon, liquor store.

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    1. Love this! The grocery store and the nail salon are certainly the only places I ever go. Can I have a pink glittery van??

      Wait...who am I kidding? I haven't gotten my nails done in years because I'm too busy driving to my office.

      Nice one Mattel!

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  16. My friend's husband DOES have a menstrual app. It was a horrifying moment when she was telling me how fabulous it is that it gives him warning alerts as to her moods, and "when to buy chocolate". Seriously.

    I like my man to experience my inner bitch at all kinds of random moments. The element of surprise is far better.

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  17. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Although I would secretly Love an IPad that was pink, maybe the easier solution would be introducing our husbands to Pinterest so they can get specific cleaning schedules :P And about Mattel having a conference so moms can learn how to "use" cars? I almost lost my mind...I'm okay at driving fake cars. Thanks.

    http://mystayathomemamalife.blogspot.com/

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  18. This is ridiculous and I love everything you said about it! I have two boys. Do you want to know why I don't buy hot wheels...because they suck. They fall apart within minutes. Wheels fall off, paint chips. My boys love trucks and cars but you can't do much with a car with no wheels (at least that's what some guy told me)

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  19. This was funny all the way around. The Hubs calls them "words". I call them "pretty". The fact that Mattel is doing this is pretty pathetic. Funny and sad simultaneously!


    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

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  20. You need to trademark "Her Wheelz" ASAP, that one is a winner! ;)

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  21. I'll just be over here looking at the pretty colors on my fingernails waiting for someone to turn on my ePad Femme for me. I wish I could write something while I wait, but all I'm surrounded by is MAN pens.

    Ellen

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  22. I would love to get down on the floor with little Nathan Jr. to play vroom vroom but I'm wearing my ePad Femme. It's highly absorbent but makes it hard to sit down.

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  23. Umm ya I totally thought it was going to be a pad too... And mattel, I don't buy hot wheels because the small parts seem like they could come off easily when big brother is playing with them and choke little bro... made in taiwan ?

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  24. I would love an app that reminds me to shower, brush my teeth, and shove dinner in the crock pot. Also, a timer for time out and an alarm for bedtime that sounds like a blender mixing margaritas.

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  25. Not all products designed for women are for stupid bitches. Some are for horny bitches. Vibrating razors with a rounded handle, anyone?

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  26. This makes me think of "The Simpsons" episode with the talking Malibu Stacy doll: "Don't ask me- I'm just a girl!" This product is assuming a lot. I'm not even a mother! Sheesh! Of course, if it were 1950 like the product seems to think it is, I'd be a mother four times over already. Thank goodness for birth control!

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  27. This post made me literally choke from laughing! I needed that after using my driving skills to get to the peditrician's office so often this winter-obviously another place only moms go to-don't forget that! LOL

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  28. lol!! I heard about this first from the Mouthy Housewives!! I wonder which mommy bloggers fell for the Mattel campaign!

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    1. If I had been a blogger and been invited, I might have gone. Just to embarrass them (and myself, probably). I'd have the car wheels-up, then look to the closest man "Mine's broken. Could a big strong man like you help widdle biddy ol' me? What? Those round things go on the ground? That's so smart. Are you a doctor?"

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  29. I...uh...lwenae;pe...

    Lordy it's hard to type! Thank goodness my husband was here to do it for me! All I know how to do is cook, clean, go to the grocery store, and take care of my kids. Throw a wrench into things like typing on this manly computers or other such masculine electronics and I get all confused! Makes my tiny brain hurt!

    Oh and as for Hot Wheels, if they aren't pink, don't have glitter or other shiny thing to make them pretty then why in the world would I want to play with them?

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  30. Oh Mattel. Why would I want to play with toy cars, when I have a real one? ;)

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  31. Yup sounds about right because these same companies probably think all we are good for is still being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, too!! Seriously, makes me so mad I just want to scream!!

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  32. I adore you, Jen! Thank you for your courage and honesty!

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  33. It doesn't come pre-loaded with the Period Tracker app? Assholes.

    And, if I had been invited to the Hot Wheels Training Whateverthefeck Thing, I would've just sat there, running the cars into my head and asking them why they have to make things so complicated.

    Assholes.

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  34. If you haven't seen them, you should check out some of the "Target Women" videos on You Tube:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMRDLCR8vAE

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  35. Hot Wheels are not completely useless. After the track falls apart and you step on a few hundred cars ala Godzilla movies, pick up a length of that track and snap it against the nearest bare child leg. That gets their attention!

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  36. OMG Jen - this post was awesome on so many levels, and just when I thought I couldn't laugh any harder, I read the comments. Hilarious!

    I was wondering what to by my son for his 5th birthday and now I'm going out to find some HerWheelz!

    ...and that new Lego range makes me want to hurl...

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  37. I'm an engineer. I have no idea what you ladies are talking about except the epad. It didn't work very well, wound up looking like something from "The Walking Dead." My fingernails are short so I don't catch them in machinery and my pens have caps - and tell you how many mm wide the ball point is.

    Some of my inventions include:
    Pussy-powered appliances with a patented power take-off
    A self-propelled tampon
    Seafood-scented douche - flavors include Tumescent Tuna and Manta Ray Mouthlove

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  38. A stellar example of man..thinking they need the epad instead. lol

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7gzmoqmL7g (Planet Fitness commercial)

    "I pick things up and put them down."

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  39. Ha. Kind of like the "Be. Wine" company that created a whole brand of wines for women - because, and I quote, "wine categories can be intimidating" for women and women have a hard time deciphering the label to understand what it tastes like and we don't have time for that. We need wine names like (as the example they used) "mommy wines" and critter label wines (no I'm not kidding). So, they came up with wine names such as "Be.Flirty" - and I'm including this next line directly from the press release:
    "Be unforgettable. Be playful. Be Flirty!” advises the back of the pink moscato bottle, describing the wine as a "mischievous Moscato” that is "made to be enjoyed with a wink and a smile.”

    You know us women! We just can't understand all that hard wine terminology and need something like "flirty" and "mischievous" to make us understand how a wine tastes! I mean, when they say it can be enjoyed w/ "a wink and a smile" that just TOTALLY cleared up any confusion I had on what the wine tastes like!

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  40. I just read about this earlier today & then saw you blogged about it. I read a few articles & found out the company that makes it, Eurostar, is based in Dubai. That explains it! Not saying that some men here in the Western world don't think that way, but middle-easterners still tend to think that women are inferior. They bring that attitude with them when they move here & expect it to be the same. I live in Michigan where our local school district has 27 different languages spoken & the schools are about 90% middle-eastern kids. It makes me sick that the women are still treated as just a cook & baby-making machine.

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  41. I was reading the wrap up about your concerned "friend" who was essentially rearing her ugly ovaries about every thing she CANNOT do when I stumbled upon this blog. Holy sweet, tiny baby Jesus I almost lost my mind. I played with Hot Wheels when I was little; because I grew up with a buncha boys and playing with Barbie wasn't cool. Breaking bones and being put into wrestling moves were MUCH cooler. Hot Wheels sucked then and they suck now...and really who does their marketing? Here's the thing, if I were a Mom invited to Mattel for some man to "teach" me how to play with cars. I would sure as shit begin a dissertation in Biology beginning with puberty and run it through menopause for those lovely gents. I would most assuredly focus on the part in the middle when I EFFING gave birth before I told them in no uncertain terms to kiss my ass. My son has never wanted a freakin' Hot Wheels car and not because I don't know how to play with them. It's because as a toy they blow and he would prefer something a little more stimulating. But shit, I'm just a girl, what the hell do I know?!

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  42. The fuck. I'm getting sick of this "for women" trend. I was recommended a car mechanic that "specializes in dealing with women's vehicles" this week, and I was tempted to go to him just out of curiosity. I bought my 2nd hand car from a man, so I'm not sure if the mechanic would suffer trying to mend a transgender Fiat. Anyway. I'd probably be much less confused if I'd researched this beforehand on an Epad Femme and then stabbed myself in the neck with one of those Bic Ladypens.
    (PS. I love your blog!)

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