Today I've heard about two different companies that are making a name for themselves by treating us like idiots.
The first one is the ePad Femme. What is the ePad Femme, you ask? I know it sounds like some new amazing feminine hygiene product ("Now with wings and micro-weave fibers!"), but no, it's better than that. It's a tablet designed just for our tiny hands and brains. This tablet comes with a lovely pink background and pre-loaded apps, because downloading apps is hard, yo. The pre-loaded apps are helpful ones that cover topics like grocery lists, yoga, and weight loss. You know, the important stuff. I'm surprised it doesn't come with house keeping and scrapbooking apps too. The makers of ePad Femme really dropped the ball on that one! However, I bet our husbands could help us find some sort of toilet cleaning schedule app. Now, if he could just find one to track my menstrual cycle and then this miracle device could sort of live up to its unfortunate name.
|I can't remember where the "ON" button is!|
In case the makers of the ePad Femme didn't insult women enough, Mattel decided to tell us how inferior we are too. Mattel recently hosted a brunch in Manhattan for mommy bloggers so they could teach those dumb cows how to play with Hot Wheels cars.
See, Mattel has this theory that their sales suck, because MOMS don't know how to play with CARS with their kids.
OK, my head just exploded.
Let me say that slower so that the women who don't have a man close by to read this to them can understand: Mattel ... thinks ... Hot Wheels cars ... aren't ... selling ... because ... moms ... don't know how ... to play cars (those vroom vroom things) ... with their kids.
Yeah, those cars are so damn complicated. Yikes. What do you do with them? You can't just play with them willy-nilly. You've got to do something manly and purposeful when you play with Hot Wheels! You need to pretend to drive them to the office or to the oil rig. It's not like you can drive them to a grocery store or to pick up the kids at school.
Also, Mattel wanted to take this opportunity to teach moms about what their kids are thinking when they play with Hot Wheels cars. One mom actually said, “If there’s a company that’ll help me understand my kids better and share their content and research, I’ll give it a chance. I don’t always understand why my 2-year-old is maniacally throwing cars and then squeals with glee.” Yeah. Mattel doesn't know why your kid does that either, other than 2-year-olds like to throw stuff and squeal a lot.
Wow. Those are some big ass truck nutz you got there, Mattel. You guys suck at selling crappy little cars and then you blame moms, because we're the ones who buy the bulk of the toys?
You're right. I buy a lot of toys. Some might even say a shit ton of toys. I buy the toys my kids ask for. They ask me for all sorts of toys: building blocks, puzzles, electronic games, coloring books, ponies, and more.
Want to know what they never ask for: Hot Wheels.
Hey, Mattel, I'll give you a hint why your product doesn't sell: it's boring as hell.
Oooh, I know a way to revive your flat-lining profits! Maybe you guys should make a whole line of totes adorbs hot pink and purple cars for the girls and call them Her Wheelz and then teach the dads how to drive them to the salon and the mall!
Shameless plug alert - Have you heard that I'm in a new anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone? Do you have a copy of it yet? You do? Great! Have you left a review for the book on Amazon yet? Still not sure this book is for you? Maybe you should read this review and then decide.
photo: free digital photo