People I Want to Punch in the Throat: I Was Interviewed!

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I Was Interviewed!

Today I was interviewed by Kim from Let Me Start By SayingI had the pleasure of meeting Kim last summer in New York City at BlogHer. I am quite short and so I immediately befriended Kim, because I'm no dummy. She's a giantess and the crowds were thick. She could always tell me which way I needed to head for the bar and/or the bathroom. Kim has graciously offered to interview me for . . . wait, where will this interview be appearing, Kim? Hmm . . . I'm pretty sure it's for a well-known magazine or something, right? 

K: I should begin by informing the readers that we have met in person before. 
So let me ask you this: How does it feel to ride eye-to-boob in a crowded elevator? Does being the size of a Tostito have its perks?

J: I've been the shortest person in the room since fourth grade so I barely notice anymore. I am constantly bobbing in a sea of boobs and sometimes even asses if the people around me are really tall. I  wouldn't know what to do with a different view. Crowded elevators are the worst though - especially when I'm trapped with hyperventilating people who are almost pooping their extra tall pants. Sometimes I stand on a stool just so I can see what the rest of you see and it makes me dizzy. Being short does have its perks. No one ever asks me to get out of my comfy spot to reach anything off the top shelf. I'm useless to most people.

K: What’s the best response you’ve received when someone discovered that you are the Jen of PIWTPITT? Did you swear them to secrecy about your true identity, or simply murder them and hide the bodies?

J: Over the summer, I hosted a party for my readers and I drove to the restaurant with a few friends. I had picked them up in the minivan Honda had sent me to try out and I was showing them all the features (slidey doors!) when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you Jen?" At first I was going to deny it like I always do, but then I realized, This is my party I can't hide any longer! So I replied, "Yes." She said, "I knew it! How many women in cargo pants and Crocs would be out here showing off the features of a minivan?"

The word is getting out, but so far she's the only stranger who has recognized me - and lived to tell the story. 

K: You’re obviously known for your rants. Were you ranty as a kid, or just as an adult? When did you leap from your Rant Closet?

J: I don't think I was a ranty kid. (My parents might disagree.) I think I probably started ranting in high school, because high school sucked balls. I have several friends from college who read this blog and they have told me that reading my blog is like listening to my dorm room rants so I know I was definitely ranty by college. I didn't really leap from the Rant Closet until April 2011 when I started the blog. That's when my Official Reign of Rant began. 

K: Which makes you angrier: people who order their coffee Extra Hot, or the existence of celebrity moms?

J: Duh. What do you think? As long as the Extra Hot coffee people are ready with their order when it's their turn, I could care less about them, but what the hell is a "celebrity mom" anyway? Like Jessica Alba. What is she famous for? Honestly? Why is she a celebrity mom? All she does it put her baby in $600 shoes for trips to the farmer's market. Blech. By the way, did you see my favorite celebrity mom, January Jones is losing her hair now? She's blaming it on hair dye, but I'm going to blame it on her placenta pills.

K: Which is your favorite "Seinfeld" episode?

J: I actually hate "Seinfeld." I might be the only person in America who feels this way, but I'm OK with that. I think Jerry is a whiner, George gives me the heebie jeebies, crazy guy across the hall (what's his name?) is crazy and Elaine was annoying. 

K: Your book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch on the Throat, raced to the top of the Amazon.com charts not long after its release. Did you think this would be the first kind of book you’d write, or did you expect to be the author of something different? Any plans for other books?

J: Before I started writing my blog I always assumed I'd write fiction. Fiction is my first love and I never even thought of writing a non-fiction book. Once the blog took off, I realized I'd be an idiot not to write a non-fiction book. No one comes here for my riveting YA or children's book about The Gingerbread Ninja. I'm always working on fictional material, but the non-fiction takes precedent since that's what sells and it's what comes easiest to me to me now. (Gratuitous plug: My book is now available for free borrow for Amazon Prime members.)

K: What secret talents do you have? Any freaking biological anomalies?

J: I'm a closet crafter. I can wield a glue gun like a champ. I'm not very good at coming up with the ideas, but I can copy just about anything on Etsy or Pinterest. Adolpha is super crafty too so we like to spend our free time in our fully stocked craft room in the basement getting our glitter on. 

K: Writing is a tough business. Is there anything you keep in your office to inspire your writing, or at least keep you sane?

J: Just my wall of pictures of you, Kim. You can stop sending them to me, I have plenty now. I tend to write a lot on my lap top in a chair in the corner of my bedroom, unless I need to get busy. If I have a deadline or I need to write all day then I need to be downstairs in my office, at my desk with my music playing (preferably nothing with words I know otherwise I'll start singing along and suddenly my rant is an "Air Supply" song). My office is very plain and I don't have much to inspire me. Maybe that's my problem. When I need new ideas I troll around Pinterest or Twitter and just follow threads to see what people are talking about. I have an entire secret board on Pinterest called Things to Make Fun Of. That board inspires me a lot.

K: What’s the nicest thing someone has said to you, ever?

J: "Will you marry me?" Awwww, Hubs . . . I know - ick - but it was really nice of him to ask me.  

K: What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you on your blog? Did you hunt him/her down and deliver a guerrilla-style throat punch?

J: I get quite a few mean comments. My favorites are the ones with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling because they are such a rarity! 

I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.

I also hate, hate, hate the comments about my kids' names. My response to that: Reading is fundamental. Why don't you read the Who is Jen? section before you start bitching about Gomer and Adolpha's names? Do a little research before you start in with your idiotic comments because you look like an ass.

I don't hunt down mean commenters, because luckily I have the best readers in the world who put the smack down on a troll as soon as they open their dirty mouth. Sometimes the dust up is over before I even knew it started. I also like to call them out for the occasional public flogging in my weekly wrap ups.

K: I love that you put some of your favorite reader comments in your weekly summaries. Do you have one long-time favorite that you can’t get enough of?

J: There are two readers who come to mind and I hope they don't mind me using their names. I always laugh at the comments from Devan and RachRiot. When I read the comments, I don't usually notice who they're from until I think, "Yup, that one's a winner" and then I realize it's Devan or RachRiot. There have been some weeks where I have to stop myself from putting RachRiot in twice. She's just that good. I have a favorite Twitter commenter too. That's Jen.

K: You’re a big reader. Do you buy and keep books to read again, or borrow and just read once?

J: Before I had kids I bought books and I'd read my favorites over and over again. Once I had kids I stopped buying books because I couldn't afford them anymore (damn kids and their need for diapers and food). I had several years I couldn't even pick up a book because I was so damn tired from taking care of my babies and working. It wasn't until Adolpha was about two years that I finally knew I had to carve out some time for myself every day to read. I started buying books again and the Hubs quickly put the kibosh on that (remember, he's a cheap bastard). He introduced me to this amazing place I had heard of, but had never really been to. It's called The Library. 

It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.

K: What’s the best book you’ve read recently (you’re not allowed to say the title of your own book)?

J: Hmm . . . if I can't say mine, can I say the title of yours? (Part of My World by Kim Bongiorno only 99 cents on Amazon.) This is hard. I just finished Ready Player One and I liked that one a lot. Oh! I've got it. I re-read The Passage, because the newest one in the series is out and I wanted a refresher. I really like that book a lot. I'm trying to get through Gone Girl right now. I was struggling to get into it, but so many people told me to hang on and I'm happy I did. It's starting to get good now, but I really dislike both of the main characters. Is that normal?

K: Is there anything you are not willing to write about because of your kids? Your husband? Your scarily-obsessed-with-Christmas mom?

J: Hmm . . . my kids would prefer I didn't give them made up names, but I won't change that. My husband loves being a punching bag on here. In fact, tonight he pitched a new book for me to write: all about him. Yawn. My parents are great sports and know that I'm teasing them out of love. I don't write about my brother C.B. (and I could write a whole series about him) because he's a very private person and he wouldn't find it funny.

K: Would you rather use a public bathroom with your daughter or make out with Ke$ha?

J: Choices, choices. If it's a gross gas station bathroom, I'll take my chances with Ke$ha.

K: Do you prefer chocolate or coffee?

J: Since I am a tea drinker, I will always choose anything over coffee. 

K: Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling?

J: These are my choices? Two pretty boys who require more grooming than most women? Nah, I choose Jon Hamm in his "Mad Men" wardrobe.

K: What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?

J: "The Shining" scares the crap out of me. Just writing this I'm thinking "redrum" and "come play with us." 

K: Do you paint your toenails? Ever use glittery flower stickers on them?

J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.

K: Finally, what are your goals with writing and your blog for 2013? Will you take some time off, or take over the world?

J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.

My goals for 2013 are the following: 

Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.

Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.

Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework. 

Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.

Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.

By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.

42 comments:

  1. Heh.. that was a funny intervie... HOLY SHIT YOU MENTIONED ME!? I am dying. ThankyouThankyouThankyou..

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  2. I didn't like Seinfeld either. I'm glad to know there's someone else out there who didn't think it was like the greatest TV show ever!!!

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  3. OMG. Someone else in this world hates Seinfeld besides me! I feel vindicated.

    Good luck with world domination. I know you can do it.

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  4. Two of my favorites in one place! I love it! I wish I could have been the P.A. that fetches water during that interview.

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    1. I am SO THIRSTY. Where is my water assistant now???

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  5. 2 of my faves...great interview..glad to know I'm not the only one neglecting her feet this winter.
    Oh - and picturing your office wallpapered in Kim's headshots - Priceless.
    xo

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    1. I'm researching how to get Kim Wallpaper a thing. Mass-marketing, here we come...

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  6. You had me at Ready Player One....

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  7. Amazing interview. Kim, I want one. I hate Seinfield too. Ugh. Jerry is such a wiener. I mean whiner. Both, actually.

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  8. Hating Seinfeld is Un-American. Hate Seinfeld, and the terrorists definitely win.

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  9. A secret Pinterest board called, "Things To Make Fun Of"? Brillllliant! Maybe you'd like to meet me at a water park some time and play "Fat or Pregnant?" with me?

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  10. I also hate Seinfeld...and that this comment box ate it the first time I typed it.

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  11. I was okay with Seinfeld though my favorite episodes involved the Soup Nazi, the rest didn't really capture me.

    On topic great interview!!!

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  12. Huh! I also hate Seinfeld and thought I was in a tiny minority, but there seem to be a few of us coming out of the closet here.

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  13. Love your taste in books. Ready Player One and The Passage excellent books!

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  14. I hate Seinfeld. I cannot stand watching people make total fools of themselves, I get too embarrassed for them. Yeah, its a gift.

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  15. Great interview! Loved the questions. I loved Gone Girl, but didn't like either of the main characters either. I think you're supposed to feel that way. Though my dislike/like for each ebbed and flowed through the book as information was divulged. Keep with it, it's a great story!

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  16. Crap! I was planning world domination for 2016. It seems I'll be a little late. Or else I'll need to change my plans to a coup.
    Totally stealing your secret pintrest board idea. C'mon, like there aren't tons of things begging to be made fun of out there? (Shake weights?)

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  17. Next time you're reading a library book, think of this: Once, my kid dropped a library book in the toilet. When I called the library to see how much it was going to cost me, they suggested I let it dry and RETURN IT. I didn't, but it certainly makes me look at library books differently. I still read them. I'm not above toilet books, as long as they're free.

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  18. Thanks for answering all my questions!
    I think the cool thing about Gone Girl is that you hate both main characters, and you struggle with that feeling the rest of the book. It's our Book Club for Thursday's meeting, and I look forward to a very lively conversation.
    Not liking Seinfeld disturbs me. Not even The Contest? Nothing??
    Please stop using the phrase "placenta pills" so I can stop throwing up in my mouth. Thank you.

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  19. I love it when you're interviewed. I can imagine someone saying everything and it makes me feel better about the world.

    I TOO HATE SEINFELD. It bores me to death and I don't think it's funny at all.

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  20. You can order coffee extra hot????????? I think this post might be life changing for me. Extra hot...who would have thought???

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  21. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only person who was not a huge Seinfeld fan...that Elaine person made me want to dump a gallon of conditioner on her travesty of frizz and duct tape her whiny mouth shut.

    Great interview!

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  22. Yay! Someone else who hated Seinfeld! And I'm short as well. It kinda sucks (the short part).

    Cheers, Jen!

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  23. I hate Seinfeld but my Husband loves it. I die inside every time it comes on (right along with The Office.) I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

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  24. Awesome interview and I thought I was short. I hear those jokes all the time and I am 5'2" and still here stupid comments like how is the weather down there. Seriously, how do you think jerk off, lol!! Totally enjoyed and voted for you both :)

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  25. Why is it that only women seem to write funny and intelligent blogs? All the blogs I find by men are about gadgets, fashion, cars and how to bang hot chicks (in case you're wondering, it apparently takes gadgets, fashion and cars). Enjoy both of your writing a lot!

    http://stupidityandhydrogen.blogspot.com/

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  26. Great interview. A few points I'd like to make:

    1. I'm shorter than your average Tostito so I'm feeling your pain there
    2. How do people recognize you? I wouldn't know you if you came up and punched me in the throat!
    3. Glad you stuck it out with Gone Girl. And you're not crazy for disliking both characters. I disliked both of them myself. A lot. But that made for interesting reading when you don't have a stake in what happens to either person.

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  27. I've never been more surprised by anything you've written than "I hate Seinfeld." Or maybe all the other commenters that are like-minded. I was very relieved to hear the thumbs down to Ryan Gosling. I just don't get all the women raging over him. Adam Levine, seems like a nice person but . . . ? And I pour my coffee in the cup then into the micro for 30 secs. I didn't know I was one of a extra-hot coffee tribe.

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  28. I just want to give general props and thanks for being funny and so well expressing so many things I feel. I have an office job 40 hours a week plus the whole family thing and I don't have many other mom friends that I can vent to about homemade party invites for toddler parties or that goddamn elf. The majority of my mom friends are at home moms so they make me feel bad by just being nice and offering to take my kids to afterschool stuff and go to the store for me, b/c obviously I am a loser and too busy to go buy diapers for the baby :) anyway-thanks so much I enjoy what you do.

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  29. Hi Jen-

    It's Kate (Marathon Story). I loved reading your interview. I can't even tell you how proud I am of you. . .your Father and I both are. Anyway. I have to tell you that because of you I started up blogging again. I can't even tell you how much it meant to me to see someone who has made it on her own. I love it. Thank you for encouraging me, through your kind words.

    P.S. I know I will be getting some bad Mom comments myself and as far as people making fun of my kids names (I use their real names) I only like one out of the two anyway. . .kids that is.

    Kate
    www.momentsofchunder.blogspot.com

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  30. BTW I left the errors because I know you like that.

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  31. Seinfeld sucks! You aren't the only one who feels that way. And I can relate on the kids' name thing. Our youngest son was nicknamed "Peanut" but he seriously goes by Peanut now, as in it's even in his medical chart and the kid doesn't even know what his real name is (and if I told you, you'd probably want to punch me in the throat because we did the dreaded thing where you add an extra letter onto a classic name). Loved the interview :)

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  32. HOLY SHIT!!! Jen.....I feel so bad for being so behind that I am just now getting to this!! I am absolutley floored that you mentioned me in your interview, WOW! I love you and your writing and you broke my virginity on blog reading...I just don't know what else to say. Thank you! <3 Devan

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  33. I loved Ready Player One. In fact, I'm sending it to my brother, then asking him to send it to our very own Kim Bongiorno.

    Great interview. You're both amazing.

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  34. Even though I love Seinfeld I still love you... Hilarious!

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  35. Loved this! Kim, I had no idea you were such a talented interviewer. You've been holding out on me. Love the way you two played off each other. And I had no idea RachRiot was such a blog whore. I thought she and I had something special. Day-yam.

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    1. Don't make me choose, Beardo!!

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  36. This is a really funny and interesting interview! I followed The Bearded Iris over here, cause she said it was good. I've been voting for all of you on Top 25. Thank God for your funny blogs.

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    1. Oh and I totally meant to say I hated Seinfeld too.

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  37. I got way behind on my reading. These assholes at work have been expecting me to actually work instead of read your blog. How dare they! I just wanted to let you know that I HATE SEINFELD! It annoys the shit out of me. And of course, my hubs loves it. What was I thinking when I married him?

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