Weekly Wrap Up 3.12.12

This week has been a bit odd.  I went on vacation and just back today so I was blogging from the road, which was kind of random and I didn't get a proper wrap up done.  I'm going to give you a quickie today and I'm not going to do any comments, because, frankly, I haven't had a chance to even read them all.  I got the gist though:  Husbands should be responsible for packing their own shit (I agree totally, this was a once in a lifetime thing for me to pack for the Hubs and I won't be doing that again), a lot of you love Disney and a lot of you hate Disney, I got some perspective on mouse ear-wearing adults, and I'm on an island of my own with the hating the beach thing (hopefully my island doesn't have sand).

The GOOD news is we had a lot of fun on our trip.  I know if you read my blog it sounds like it sucked, but since my blog isn't called Rainbows & Unicorns I can't blather on about what a magical time we had watching Adolpha pose for pictures with her favorite Disney character, Pluto (blech) or how I got teary eyed watching my kids frolic in the waves and wondering when they got so big (ugh).  I save that crap for myself and spare you all.

The OTHER good news is:  I'm number 1!!  I'm currently in first place over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms.  Thanks very much to those of you who got me there.  Now, let's see if I can stay there.  At first I thought it would be great if I made the Top 25, but once I hit number 1, I really liked how that felt and I'd like to stay there.  You can vote every day and you can also vote for more than just me, so if you're torn between two or three of us, rest assured, you can vote for ALL of us.

I added a new button this week:  Read My Babble.com Posts.  It's pretty self-explanatory.

Top Posts This Week:

Goody Bags That Are Nicer Than the Gift My Kid Gave - This was inspired by an article in the New York Times about outrageous goody bags.

Seriously, Hubs? - This was a conversation between the Hubs and I about what I (nicely) packed for him.  I never pack for him, but he was busy and so I helped him out.  I won't make that mistake again.

The Happiest Place on Earth - I took the kids to Disney.  I saw some interesting people there.  And Disney was advertising like a fiend on my blog this week.  I think they knew were I was...

Over Achieving Moms and Their Kids' Birthday Parties - This was the doozy of the week.  I got this idea from several readers who sent me links to various parties.  I went out on the web and found some other parties that inspired me to write this post.  One in particular was a birthday party for a 1 year old with a Marie Antoinette theme.  I can't make this shit up!  Who plans an over the top, excessive party for a one year old based around a queen who lost her head because she was excessive?  The irony is killing me!

The woman who threw the party had posted her party on some fabu over achieving party blog so that everyone could see what a beautiful party she could throw.  She put her child and her party out there for the world to see.  She was more than happy to do this when everyone commented how talented she was, how unique she was, and how gorgeous her party was.  She gets a little criticism about her party and she freaks out.  She wrote a post on her blog about how offended she was and then she LINKED to me.  Priceless.  By doing that, her whole family was able to trot over to attack me.  Truly.  Go through the comments.  It's nuts.  Her aunt or her grandma or someone called me "ugly."  WTF?  Other cousins/whoever were quoting Bible verses at me while threatening to punch me (literally) in my face.  Wow.  What the fuck is wrong with these people?  I take it back, this is not an over achieving mom with a gold card.  This is some trailer trash, backwoods, inbred psychopathic family who acted like I called the baby names (which I NEVER do and NEVER will).

I thought I could defuse the situation by going to her blog and saying "Bonjour."  Here is what I wrote:  Bonjour! It's me, Jen. I know that you think I'm these anonymous posters, but I'm not. I don't post anonymously. I'm not evil, I just call it like I see it. And the way I see it is: If you put stuff out there, you're bound to find one or two people who don't care for what you do. I found your party on an over top party blog where THEY posted your pic. It's down now though...unless you give me permission to use it for my Babble.com post on this topic tomorrow...My readers aren't ogres either, I guarantee you'll gain a follower or two today, a lot of over achievers with senses of humor read my blog. Motherhood is hard enough, relax and have a glass of wine and chuckle at your self.  That didn't work.  If anything, it made her family even angrier.  The left some more insulting comments and they told me they were celebrating their French heritage with this party.  Apparently, from their behavior I'm guessing their ancestors actually were the ones who chopped off Marie Antoinette's head!  They acted like a bunch of peasants with pitchforks and torches storming my blog.  But you know what?  It didn't even phase me.  I could care less that they think I'm "ugly" or mean or whatever.

Here's the thing.  I'm not a bully.  I'm a bullshit caller.  I didn't bully this woman.  I didn't call her ugly or tell her God thinks she's ugly or threaten to hit her or tell her I despised her or tell her she sucked (her family did that to me and they're terrible spellers BTW).  I didn't even call her an idiot.  All I said was her party was stupid.  I said her party was laughable.  I said her theme was horrifying.  You can't plan a party for a one year old where she wears some silk party dress and you hang antique lampshades from trees for ambience or whatever and not expect me to call your bullshit.  That party was not for a baby.  That party was for you.  You submitted it to the fancy-kid-party-everyone-look-what-I-can-plan-blog and you put your shit out there and when someone said it was stupid you cried and called me a bully.  I'm not a bully.  I'm a mom who is sick and tired and angry.  I'm tired of the moms who plan stupid parties and then put them on the web and ask everyone to kiss their asses and look down their noses at the parties the rest of us plan.  I speak for the moms who actually plan a first birthday party for a baby.  We pick themes like Old MacDonald or Sesame Street, because we know that's what our baby likes.  We put our kids in cute birthday outfits, but not ones that they can't move in.  Our decorations are streamers and balloons and we serve cake, not petits fours and champagne.  If anything, I'm the Equalizer.  I see your bullshit and I call you on it.  I refuse to let you get away with it.  If you don't like what I have to say, then don't put your shit out there where I can find it.

Me - At the Beach - I hate sand.  It's plain and simple.  I'm in the minority.  I know that, but I still thought I should share.

The Hits Keep Coming....More Mini Punches

1.  People who don't hold the door open for you.  It used to be common courtesy that you held the door for the person behind you - ESPECIALLY if that person has her hands full!  Now, we're in such a big hurry these days we just drop the door.  My favorite is when the person looks behind them, SEES you and still drops the door in your face.  Thanks, jackhole!

2.  Indecisive people.  I'm amazed how many people cannot make a decision.  And I'm not talking "Should I pull the plug on my mom?" kinds of decisions.  I'm talking about "Where should we go for dinner?" or "Paper or plastic?" kinds of decisions.  The Hubs and I are such "deciders" (thank you, W, for inventing the best word ever) that people might consider us downright bossy - but I've decided that I'm OK with that.

3.  Home sellers who listen to my advice, take notes, do half of my suggestions and then bitch at me when their house doesn't sell.  Do you bitch at your doctor when you get diabetes after he told you to lose weight and you didn't?  I can only give you the tools, it's up to you what you do with them.  (For those of you who are my clients and are wondering; I'm not talking about YOU.  You'd know it if I were, because we would have already had this conversation in person.)

4.  Kids who bully my kid.  About once a week my kid comes home from school and says, "So and so was mean to me today and told the other kids not to play with me - and they did." or "So and so says my shoes are stupid and not cool at all."  Nothing pisses me off more than to hear this, especially because they're BOYS.  I expect petty crap from a bunch of girls, not 6 year old boys.  This is such Queen Bees and Wannabees crap.  What boy knows how to be a Queen Bee??

5.  People who aren't ready at a fast food restaurant when it's their turn.  Maybe this goes with number 2, but in my mind this is a completely separate entry.  My kids are hungry, we're waiting patiently, WE know what we want and then we end up behind the guy who's saying "Hmm....Filet-o-Fish or Big Mac?" or my favorite "What do you have here?"  What do you have here?  It's fucking McDonald's EVERYONE (including my 4 year old) knows they have here!

6.  I've said it before, but I'll say it again, because it happened again yesterday - keep your big damn SUV in your spot!  The lines are there for a reason.  If you can't fit your boat into the spot, find another spot!

7.  People who can't count at the 20 Items or Less checkout.  Fifteen bottles of Coke, 25 light bulbs, 3 packages of diapers, 10 bras, a pack of smokes and a bag of chips doesn't count as 6 items.  Like items do not count as one in my book.

8.  Those same people who can't count usually are the ones who pay by check too.  Seriously?  A checkbook?  The only person I know who still uses a checkbook is my mother and when she pulls it out, I back away slowly and pretend I don't know her.

9.  People who take their middle school aged sons to a water park and let them loose like a pack of howler monkeys to destroy the fun my children are having.  WTF people?  My elementary and preschool aged kids are minding their own business going down the lazy river in an inner tube and these twits come along and flip them out of their tubes.  I spent most of my afternoon policing this group of little shitheads.  I couldn't figure out who they belonged to, but I sure tried, because I was ready to give their zoo keepers a piece of my mind.

10.  Me.  For putting on a swimsuit.  In December.  I apologize for any lasting ill effects this nightmarish and pasty vision had on anyone at the pool today.