People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Seriously, Hubs??

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Seriously, Hubs??

We're in Florida this week visiting my aunt.  We're staying at her house in Orlando - just steps away from Mickey's House.  My kids are over the moon.

This morning is our first morning here and we decided we'd take a day to just hang out at her pool, let the kids play and I could go outlet shopping (I am over the moon).

We're getting ready to go and here's what the Hubs had to say to me:

Hubs: "Jen, where are my underwear?"

Me: "Really?  I packed them for you!  What more do you want?  Move stuff around in the suitcase and look for them!"

I dig through the suitcase that I packed (while he chatted up some friend on the phone!) and I pull out a pair of undies, "Here!"

Hubs: "Those are Gomer's."

Me: "Oh, well, they look big enough to be yours."

Hubs: "Gee, thanks."

I dig some more and find a slightly larger pair.

Me: "Here!"

OK, side by side they don't look that similar, but I get them confused all the time. 

Hubs: "Great.  Thank.  You.  Where is my shampoo?"

Me: "Are you fucking kidding me?  What is in your plastic grocery sack of beauty supplies?"

Truly.  The Hubs puts all of his bathroom supplies in a plastic Target bag.  I've begged him to buy a toiletry kit.  He refuses to spend the money.  Cheap bastard.

Hubs: "I have my toothbrush - you brought toothpaste, right?  And my comb and my hair gel stuff."

Me: "Why didn't you bring shampoo?  You have a thousand samples under you bathroom sink that you steal from hotels.  You didn't bring one of those?"

Hubs: "No.  I thought you were packing that stuff..."

Me: "Why would I pack your shampoo?  I packed for me and the kids and I ended up packing most of your clothes.  I don't even do that usually.  I draw the line at your toiletries.  I'm NOT your mother."

Hubs: "Exactly.  You're my wife.  My wife should take care of me better than my mother."

Me: "Jackhole."

If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over (again - you can vote once every day) to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012?  I would really appreciate it!  I am currently in first place, thank you everyone.  But I am a narcissist and want to win and make sure I stay in the lead.

88 comments:

juan said...

I think you married my husband's twin! And I voted for you. Because you're my dream woman.....

Jen said...

My husband packs all his toiletries in a plastic grocery bag as well!!!!

Lilliana said...

GUYS: The only thing your wife will ever do better than your mother involves your penis. Enough said.

megan said...

Oh! So my husband! I don't know how many times I say "This is my oldest child" and point to my husband.

JennD said...

I've been trying to vote for 3 days. The damn site doesn't allow me to click on the stupid orange button. There's a freaking punch!!!!

Blondie McBaffled said...

Every so often I'm reminded how awesome it is to be single. Reading this was one of those moments. Enjoy your trip!

MommyOntheEdge said...

ROTFL...exactly.

MommyOntheEdge said...

My husband would be very sad if he expected me to pack any of his shit, as he would end up w/ nothing in the suitcase. Not happening, I have 3 people(me and the two littles) to pack for and 2 others(teens) I have to check their stuff , I'm NOT going to do that for another adult.

HopeInBama said...

Voted :)

Unknown said...

I am currently in Orlando as well...my husband is working here so my Son and I have come down for a visit...god I hope you don't see me while you're out and about...i am a complete mess this trip...forgot to pack most of my clothes..only packed my son...left all my stuff on my bed UGH...and too cheap to go buy new stuff...yes thats right I am a hot F***ing mess....well at least I won't be one of the Over achieving Disney World Moms :)...I may just be the underachieving mom this week

Pris said...

You are living my life!

Julie said...

The husband tends to "forget" basic toiletries (because he evidently hasn't figured out that shampoo & toothpaste are daily things!) and just assumes that he can share what I've packed for myself & the little one. So... I like to pack up &/or hide the stuff everyday! Make him search for it or (gasp) actually ASK, so that I can do the disapproving face.

Anonymous said...

There is truly a twin for everyone, i think you have my hubby's. so similar.

bmmoore said...

That made my day. Thanks! I have 3 sons but often say I have 4 boys...

Anonymous said...

Couldn't have said it better myself!

Tima said...

My husband keeps his toiletries in a ziplock bag. And they stay there so he doesn't have to think about packing!

Tricia Gatskie said...

True story. My husband and I go camping all the time and he STILL can't find his stuff after an entire summer of it being in the same spot! Ugh...drives me crazy. Then again, this is the man who STILL doesn't know where the sippy cups are (after 5 years). MEN!

P.S. I voted for you, you give me a great laugh everyday!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I never thought that I was an outlaw. I don't pack his clothes but I pack all of the toiletries excluding his toothbrush and contact solution. And I get mad when he brings stuff because I don't want to carry double... now I'm re-thinking!!!

Anonymous said...

My husband waits until the very last minute to pack - sometimes the morning of the trip!! and then expects me to help him after I've been up til 2am packing for myself and daughter. Meanwhile I'm running around like a crazy person trying not to forget anything because it's MY job to remember to pack the camera, the dvd player/movies, snacks, sunscreen, essential stuffed animals and blankie etc... All he has to do is pack for himself!!

Anonymous said...

sounds like something I would do... ; )

Anonymous said...

You, in Disney World? Oh Hells Bells, there will be a lot of PUNCHES going on. Can't wait to read this week's posts.

Anonymous said...

My husband is a total opposite. He brings EVERYTHING,including full size shampoo,shower gel& toothpaste. Needless to say, I travel with carry on.

I suggest buying your hubs a dopp kit for fathers day and fill it with all the Shit he takes from your hotel stays!!

imbogus1 said...

Hey Jack-ette-hole! Sometimes we just want some help.

PS> I still luv u....

Anonymous said...

I always seem to have a meltdown whenever our family goes on a trip. Maybe because I have spent days making lists and running around town buying all the stuff the five of us need. My hubs says, "I don't know why you ALWAYS get like this before we go somewhere. Its not that hard!" Maybe not if all you have to do is quickly pack some of your clean, ironed and folded laundry and throw your toothbrush and shaving stuff in a grocery bag! He can never figure out why I am exhausted the first day any vacation...

Anonymous said...

Can't wait to hear your Disney "standing in line" stories and observations. We always laugh and say, "This is the Happiest Place on Earth! You're gonna have fun, dammit, whether you want to or not!", as we pass people with children having meltdowns.

Erin said...

Wow. Just wow. I thought it was only my husband who was like this. I swear he's missing the gene that allows people to find things. I can give him as specific instructions as: "The sour cream is on the second fridge shelf, right side, behind the butter."
"Dont see it, babe."
I'll go look, and of course, it's right there. Oh, heaven forbid he actually MOVE something and look behind it. Jackass.

Karen said...

My husband may leave his tools around the house, can't clean the kitchen properly, and can talk bollocks for hours, but at least, we share the packing duties.

You have my sympathies.

Anonymous said...

Do yo guys have coordinating applicayed(sP) disney themed outfits? :)

Amanda said...

I often tell my husband that I pack for myself and the kids, and draw the line at packing for him. So he starts packing for himself 1 hour before we are due to leave the house. When we went to the indoor waterpark I made a point of showing him which bag to put his swimsuit in since our room wouldn't be ready at check in. We get there and he has NO suit. He claims that I said I would pack it for him in said bag. He had to spend an extra $50 on a new, ugly, ill-fitting suit from the gift shop, and still claims that it was my fault that his swimsuit was forgotten, 2 years later!

Athea Core Photography said...

Wow. I had that exact same conversation with my husband. At least I know Im not alone. I just pack his shit now cause its easier than trying to help him do it later when Im trying to make sure I have all my stuff, the 3 kids stuff, the stroller, the camcorder, the camera, sunblock, tickets...... I wait till hes sitting down watching TV (while Im still packing BTW) and corner him and tell him EXACTLY what I packed for him and EXACTLY where the shit is in his bag and ask specifically if there is anything else he wants or needs so he has nothing to bitch at me for later. However, he still trys to bitch about something eventually but I just point out that I asked specifically if there way anything else do its not my fault. If he wants whatever he doesnt have, he can get off his cheap, lazy ass and go get it himself...cuz Im busy.

Lissa said...

That is so my husband. And then, when he gets all proactive and schedules a trip with just him and the kids, he gets his panties bunched when I remind him not to forget certain things - "Don't you think I know what to pack?!" hmm, no I'm not sure that you do, but since you're demonstrating it now, you can pack yourself AND the kids from now on :)

Beth said...

.Ha! Having a man around is like having another child. It's ridiculous what they expect you to do for them.

Jester Queen said...

Oh man, my mother travels in grocery and garbage bags. When we were kids, I'd feel like a HOBO everywhere we went. I get to feeling wretched now if we even have to add an extra grocery bag of stuff for the beach. Which is stupid stupid stupid, but I blame poor Mom.

Also, does your aunt neeed another niece? I'm available for rent in exchange for Mouse House tickets...http://jesterqueen.com

buster1104 said...

Omg. Get back in the kitchen biatch. :P

Anonymous said...

Jen, we leave tomorrow morning to come to Orlando, and let me just say, I am one of the lucky ones - my husband packs his own shit. He knows I would NEVER pack for him unless it was an emergency. However, that being said, you'd think by the age of 34 he would know what the essentials are. I can't tell you the number of times we've woken up somewhere and he has realized he forgot underwear. Yes, underwear. Classic. Let's just hope that in my current pregnancy state I can at least remember what the essentials are for my 3 year old and me...

maarmie said...

I am a very happy SINGLE mother. Your posts make me remember and make me even happier!

Anonymous said...

When I die I want to come back as a man....

Cricket of Tripping Tuesdays said...

I envy you the trip to Florida!!! Sigh. We don't get to go on too many trips...but as far as men and their mothers are concerned, it's frustrating. I think most grow up being babied by mom. And, to think, I have a son...and guess what? Yes, I baby him too (he's the baby and all), so I am not much help. Hopefully, overall you end up having a wonderful trip.

Mad Jester said...

I can definitely see where you're coming from, here, and I've been guilty of it myself on occasion. I grew out of it, for the most part, when I stopped and looked at how much my wife had to keep track of at any given time, and decided I didn't want to add any more to her burden than I absolutely had to.

A policy which stood me in good stead when my wife died two years ago; now I'm used to keeping track of it all myself, so I seldom forget to pack anything when it comes to that.

Nicole said...

I only packed for my husband once....forgot his underwear and his socks. Packed his regular razor instead of his electric....Never had to pack for him again! Accident, I think not!

What is design lab 443? said...

I think I know what he should get for his birthday. A toiletry bag filled with shampoo!

Anonymous said...

This sounds exactly like my house!!!!

DrKeri said...

I think I've had this same conversation during every trip my husband and I have ever taken.

Jen N. said...

LMAO!! Almost spit out my soda on this one. You pretty much nailed it with one sentence!

Whitney Jones said...

I tell my hubs all the time that I am gonna send him back to his parents to finish his 'raising'.
Since the twins were born, he hears this a lot... "I have myself and 2 others to keep up with, you could at least keep up with you and your shit".

A. Faith Golden said...

Story of my life! LOL! Men! :) I voted for you of course because you make me laugh every day! :)

dvorakoelling said...

I am applying for a patent for a piece of velcro that I can sew on to my husband's face (it will come with lots of other pieces that can be sewn onto all the rest of his belongings). I'm calling it the "It's Right in Front of Your Face, Stupid". I will let you know when the patent is approved, and when we plan to sell it on QVC. :)

Je said...

Has it occurred to anyone that men are fucktarded because they are allowed (by their wives) to be? If my husband failed to pack his shampoo prior to a vacation, guess what: He wouldn't have shampoo unless he went out and bought some, because he sure as SHIT is not using my shampoo (made for difficult hair, and serving no purpose for a man's thinning hair). It's called being an adult.

Jen Giroux said...

I never pack for my husband, but he refuses to pack his own toiletries ... he just uses all of mine instead. well, except for the toothbrush. I draw the line on that one.

Kimberly said...

My soon-to-be-ex also used to use a plastic target bag for his toiletries AND another one for his clothes whenever we went anymore. I finally bought him a toiletry bag for Christmas one year. Once we got married and got luggage as a gift he had no excuses anymore. We're splitting the luggage in the divorce so hopefully he won't embarrass the kids anytime soon when he packs to go places.

Anonymous said...

People I want to pumch in the throat... women who pack for their husbands, seriously people, can we say co-dependent?

pamb said...

I never pack for my husband! i'm packing clothes and toiletries for me and two kids, plus bags of activities for them for the plane and for the hotel, plus snacks for the plane and hotel. He is an adult, he can take care of himself. Anything he forgets, he will have to take the time to buy when we get there (not on our time).

I will say that my husband used to throw his tile tries into a gallon Ziploc, not a plastic bag, I finally got him a toiletry kit that he likes at Ikea, so now he looks like an adult!

Anonymous said...

me either!

Amanda said...

My hubby was the same way. I DID buy him a toiletry kit and he ACTUALLY uses it. Go to the outlet mall and GET one and let it store all those little bottles and sample toothpaste. You could even put in an extra toothbrush and Wah-lah. It looks like you cared enough to pack FOR him! ;)

Rebeccah said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh my gawd that's funny. Well played.

Anonymous said...

My husband would pack EVERYTHING in a plastic grocery/Target bag if I let him. I do all of the actual putting of items in the suitcase, but he has to get it out. If it's not out for me to put in, then it's not getting packed.

Oh, and I'm the one who packs because I am the master packer--I can jam a lot of stuff into a carry-on, be under the weight limit, and not have to check any luggage for 3 people for an 8 day trip!

annamills2001 said...

I often think my name is being changed to "Honeyhaveyouseenmy" because I hear it so often. And we have a way of classifying the method of searching for a list item:
Shane-looking means you scan at eye level and if there is even a stray thread laying on top of the missing item it isn't visable
Anna-looking means you actually search high and low and move things around
Guess which method he usually uses...

annamills2001 said...

*lost item

Because nobody likes Mondays said...

Men are worse than children. I hate traveling because I get stuck packing for everybody. Oh and every morning my husband reached into his underwear draw and pulls out a pair of my son's boxer briefs. Like I have the time to figure out whose is whose!

Becks said...

Ditto!

kristincita said...

My husband always packed his toiletries in a grocery bag or ziplock bag. I gifted him with a leather toiletry kit. He took his ziplock bag and placed it inside the leather kit.
My husband is a last minute packer. We took a three week long trip to Europe. i planned my wardrobe two months in advance and started packing two weeks before departure. He packed 20 minutes before departure. he admitted he didn't do a very good job & we threw away some of his clothes in the UK.

Anonymous said...

Jen, I am enjoying your blog. I am an older reader of 50 years, who's kid is already chronologically grown (but not mature). I enjoy your snarky sense of humor (hell, you gotta have one or this life will take you DOWN!!) Does anyone know of a blog for those of us past the mommy days and having to deal with grandchildren and their still immature parents? Thanks for the snarky laughs!

Anonymous said...

It's me again 50 year old anonymous! I voted for you and hope you win!!

Anonymous said...

My husband also suffers from "refrigerator blindness"~ must be a y chromosome thing!

Lauren said...

OMG you should have kicked him in the BALLS !!!!! You have my vote and he gets a kick in the balls from me !!!! Xo

B said...

My Hubs packs his own bathroom stuff, and clothes....but everything else, my clothes, our kids clothes, the extra things the kids need, the extra things we need and whatever else, I end up packing, and usually in the same amount of time it takes him to pack his bathroom shit and his clothes. The real kick in the ass though, I even pack the damn car!!! Mostly because I have OCD and he just doesn't pack it right, (like putting the diaper bag at the bottom), but also because I am done packing before him and, well, might as well get the car packed while we wait for his slow butt. (I also load the kids in the car)

carrieR said...

OMFG. My mother-in-law irons my husband's underwear. When I first noticed this I heard the Twilight theme in my head as I stared down at the wedding bands....TOO LATE, CARRIE!! YOU'RE STUCK TO A MAN WHO EXPECTS IRONED DRAWERS!!

Luckily, he doesn't care. But he did complain once that I packed tightie whities which are "Last Resort Underwear." I told him to pack his own fucking suitcase.

herculeselton said...

OMG - People ask why I only have 1 child and I say - have you met my husband? He counts as 2. So I technically have 3. What is it about grown men who suddenly can't find milk in the fridge?? IT's the big white bottle on the bottom shelf - been like that for 8 years babe. When we go on vacation it is the same thing - did you pack my....what part of pack your own stuff do you not get??? Not your momma!!! GO look.

Anonymous said...

Got my laugh for the night. Thanks Jen

Anonymous said...

I pack my toiletries in a plastic bag... My husband is an only child, and my mother in law is very doting, so I have a husband who is still learning how to take care of himself at 31.

Holly said...

Guess I got lucky and married an adult. :)
Not only does he pack and have his own dopp kit, He finds, washes and dries the clothes he wants for the trip. Ha
Holly

Rachel said...

I can't stop laughing at "plastic grocery sack of beauty supplies." Seriously. I almost choked on my Hershey bar. Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

That is sooo true, Lilliana!

CaroleDee said...

Now you get to look forward to being the one to UNPACK, wash everything, and put away the suitcases when you go home. Ain't life grand :)

TNMom said...

This is EXACTLY how I handle this shit too. I try to make sure there is NO WAY anything can be my fault, but alas - it still is. :)

TNMom said...

LOL, this made me pee on myself....hilarious!

TNMom said...

Yeah, we are kinda evolving to this. He sets all his crap out and I pack it cause I too am a master packer! :)

TNMom said...

My hubs wears those exact undies! (I love to call them panties while we are working on packing - drives him BAT SHIT!) We have a pretty good system down and my mom got him a nice bathroom bag that he likes so I guess this is not a problem for us. We travel alot and I make lists, and lists of lists and spread sheets...so yeah, pretty organized. :)
I snorted laughing at this and many of the comments though! :)
Devan

Suzie said...

Thank god my husband doesn't wear undies, but he packs all his toiletries in a plastic Tesco bag - beautiful. I haaate that 'where's my..? Where's my...?' shit - THERE IS ONE SUITCASE. FRIGGING LOOK IN IT.

Suzie said...

Try clicking the 'compatibility' button when you're on the voting page (it's the thing to the right of the box the URL is in - looks like a sheet of paper ripped in half) - it just worked for me

Rosie said...

My husband packs his own stuff, but only for how he's feeling right that minute. So if it's sunny outside and he feels hot - then only t-shirts are going in the bag, even when I say 'maybe you better take a jumper?'. Never mind that we're going to Scotland and he spends the weekend blue with cold.

KelleyB said...

My standard answer to the "Where is my ____?" question, for the last almost 20 years to that man, has been, "WHAT AM I? KRESKIN?" (it's a family favorite now!)

Katie said...

OMG my husband too uses shampoo bottles from hotels! LOL. I also get so mad that when we go on trips I pack myself and the two kids and then he skips in 10 minutes before we leave and packs only himself and then complains about how much stuff he has to put into the car. PLEASE!

Lora said...

"Move stuff around in the suitcase..." This cracked me up. I swear my husband has a wrapping paper tube afixed to his eyes, preventing any peripheral vision when he is "looking" for something.

carly said...

Apparently my husband thinks it's my duty as his wife to find EVERYTHING for him. At least once a week it's "Have you seen my tie/keys/computer bag/badge/pants/remote/towel/ (brain??)..." and on and on. My 9-year-old son does the same thing, to him I reply, "YOU are responsible for your own stuff." I finally started saying that to my husband LOL. He did NOT like it but after a few times he stopped asking me to find things for him.

Unknown said...

Remember this moment as you raise your son... we cannot allow this to go on for future generations. Or, we can-- they can suck it!

Anonymous said...

EXACTLY! Love that!

Stressin' Mommy said...

OH WOW. My husband also throws all his toiletry items in a target bag. He also expects that I pack virtually everything. I didn't pack socks for him on one vacation, stupidly thinking he could do that on his own. Guess who had no socks. Sigh.