Over Achieving Moms and Their Kids' Birthday Parties
One was a whimsical Cat in the Hat first birthday where the baby has no clue who Dr. Seuss is or why it's hysterical and adorable all at the same time that he's eating green eggs and ham in a house covered (literally COVERED) in red and turquoise bunting and crepe and balloons and other Dr. Seuss-themed shit. I think there were at least 5 different kinds of cupcakes to choose from besides the striped hat cake. No matter how much the parents paid for a professional photographer to take pictures of this birthday, beautiful pictures can never cover the fact that the cake was melting because of the heat and they dressed the poor kid in some kind of linen one piece jumper thing with his initials embroidered on the front that will haunt him into adulthood.
Have you ever seen a party with a Marie Antoinette theme? It's out there. The baby was forced to wear a hat on her head that will remind many of you of those plates with bows that aunts make for us at our wedding showers. Remember those things? Yeah, the baby is wearing something like that. On her head. For real. Not as a joke. And a dress that looks like silk - or something equally pricey. I don't know what horrifies me more - the fact that the mother planned her daughter's party around a queen who had her head chopped off or the fact that this mother let her daughter eat cake in a dress that probably has to be dry cleaned. I have no idea what this party cost, but when you start buying wrapping paper that matches the theme perfectly, you've spent too much. This party made my wedding look downright shabby.
Eames Elephant Chair and all of the party supplies and food were "bought locally." Guests were encouraged to take Instamatic photos of themselves with mustaches (I hate those fucking mustaches) and bowler hats. Absolutely asinine. This party was not for a child. This party was for a bunch of adults who didn't want to throw a gauche first birthday party. The color scheme was charcoal, chartreuse, light blue and black. (Who the fuck puts a black balloon on their baby's high chair for his first birthday party celebration?? These people do.) The mom also bragged that she displayed monthly photos of the baby on a "Stendig Calendar." Since this was capitalized I knew I was supposed to be impressed, but since I'm from Kansas and have absolutely no hipster in me at all, I didn't have a clue what the fuck she was talking about. Apparently, it's the only calendar designed by MoMA. Well, pardon me. Good thing I wasn't invited to this party, I would have looked like an ass when I arrived with the party penciled in on my Lighthouses of the East Coast calendar. (It's available at the finer Dollar Stores.)
Don't get me wrong, the idea of throwing my kid a party at Chuck E. Cheese gives me a brain bleed, but there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.
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