Hairy Swim Suits Are Here And They're Gross

Swim suit season is upon us and so as women we're being inundated with "helpful" articles about how to look our best while wearing the least amount of clothes. We're introduced to miracle suits that lift and suck all the right places. The skirted suit for those days when you're not feeling your lady garden has had enough weeding. The tankini for that woman who says, "Society frowns on women my age wearing a bikini, but damn it, I still look good enough for a two piece. Plus two pieces are easier when you have to pee." The bikini for ladies who say, "I worked hard on these abs they deserve to be seen" and for the ladies who say, "Fuck you, I can wear what ever I want to the pool."

A few years ago I became the lady who bought the skirted suit and the giant hat and enormous sunglasses. Not so much for the lady garden reasons, but more for the jiggly upper thigh reasons. I lounge in the shade with my book and only get wet when the heat becomes unbearable.

In case I already didn't feel enough like Sasquatch when I'm wearing a swim suit, along comes the creator of this summer's must-have suit: the hairy chest swim suit.

Yeah, you read that right. A few years ago it was the facekini that was terrifying everyone at the beach, but now we can make children cry when we show up in a flesh colored hairy one-piece. Only it's worse than that. This thing is sporting realistic nipples, chest hair, and back AND butt hair. Ewwwww. Plus let's not overlook the hair that runs down into your nether regions and it gives the illusion that there isn't a razor on the planet that could tame that briar patch. The only positive thing I can say about this suit is I could let my legs and armpits run wild and they'd blend right in.

Who thought this would be a good idea? What men (because it had to be men, women would never do this to one another) sat around a table and said, "Hey Dave, you know what would be hilarious, hot, and disgusting all at once, bro?"

"What, Trevor?"

"A hairy swim suit for hot chicks. Like, they'd still be hot, but they'd also be gross."

"That sounds hilarious, Trevor. So, like, her boobs would be big but they'd be hairy looking?"

"Yeah, man."

"Sweet. Let's do it."

"High five."

I can only imagine that they were both high and drunk when they thought of this thing. It's the only scenario that makes sense. Why else would anyone create such an abomination? Swim suits are awful enough and my greatest fear is to be laughed at when I'm wearing one, why would I wear one INTENDED to make people point and laugh at me???

I just hope that right now two women are sitting in a nail salon getting high off the fumes and one says, "Hey, Tiff, let's make a man's swim suit that's tight and flesh-colored and has a picture of a shaved vagina on the crotch."

"Vulva, Stef."


"It's a vulva, not a vagina. You would want a shaved vulva on the front of the flesh-colored men's swim suit we're thinking of designing."

"Okay, whatever. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be gross and hilarious if men walked around the pool with vag--vulvas on the front of their pants? Kind of hot, even, right?"

"No, it would be gross."

"You think vulvas are gross, Tiffany? Wow. I thought you were a feminist!"

"No, vulvas are ah-may-zing. It would be gross because the men wouldn't be able to keep their hands off themselves."

"Ugh. So true."

If you want the hairy chest swim suit, it's only $45. I say "only" because if you're buying those miracle suits that suck and nip and tuck and squeeze everything into place, you're dropping a hundred bucks usually, so $45 sounds like a steal.

Wait a minute. I'm actually rethinking this whole thing now. Maybe I will get one! For $45 no one would even notice my cellulite they'd be too busy staring at my hairy ass crack!

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SBLocalGal said...

OMG...I'm laughing so hard here. I had never even heard of such a thing until reading this blog. Thank you for making my morning (I'm on PST here), Jen! xoxo

Heather in FL said...

What the what? Why would anyone do this?? No. Just no.

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