People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Some Mini Punches to the Throat

FB

Some Mini Punches to the Throat

Some minis for this week:

1.  The high school principal who won't release the valedictorian's diploma because she said "How the hell do I know?" in her graduation speech.  The principal won't release her diploma until she writes an apology. She refuses.  This is such a stupid story.  She's a straight A student who felt like saying "hell."  She could have said, "How the fuck do I know?" but she didn't.  The principal sounds like a gem.  He's obviously a control freak and feels like his authority is being tested so he's going to stand his ground and act like a big man.  Instead he looks like he has a Napoleon complex.  Let it go, man.  Just give the girl her diploma.  It's August and you've got a whole new batch of seniors coming up to terrorize with your bullshit.



2.  Prince Harry showing off the royal jewels.  Ugh.  I'll start by saying it must be hard going through life knowing you are "the spare."  You only get to be King if your brother has no children and he dies.  It must be hard knowing that when you want to go to Vegas and play strip billiards there is probably someone there with an iPhone recording the whole thing.  It must be hard being so stupid.  I read the report about Prince Harry hooking up with some "beauties" in Vegas and taking them to his hotel suite for a rousing game of strip billiards.  I gather from the pics, he sucks at billiards.  The poor prince lost his shirt and his pants and his knickers.  I had a small - very small - twinge of sadness for him.  (I'm a sucker for a kid who loses his mother at a young age.)  My twinge of sadness for him disappeared when I got to the next paragraph of the story I was reading.  The prince is a boob.  He was hanging out with the king of d-bags, Ryan Lochte.  Prince Harry is a man who has benefited from some of the best schools in the world.  He has been introduced to heads of state and world-class philanthropists and yet, he chooses to hang out with that piece of shit?  No wonder he ended up naked in a hotel suite surrounded by women ready for their chance at a one night stand with an Olympic asshole and a prince.  I bet Lochte took the pics himself.  The papers reported the Queen "dressed down" Harry for his actions.  I hope his grandmother grounded him and banned Lochte from her country.

3.  Judge Tom Head.  Judge Head is a Texas judge would like to raise taxes.  Instead of saying, "Hey everybody, we need to raise taxes."  He's justifying his need for a tax increase because he's a bit worried that if Obama wins re-election the country could face civil unrest and even slip into a civil war.  If that happened, then Obama would roll into Lubbock County, TX with U.N. soldiers and armored personnel carriers.  Because of this uncertainty, the judge would like to beef up the sheriff's office with some more deputies and to do this he needs a 1.7 cent increase on the local tax rate.

Phew.  I don't know where to begin on this one.  It's been a good week for "News of Nutjobs," hasn't it?  This is another one that I'm not sure if I should laugh at or cry about.  Civil war??  U.N. troops in Texas??  I'm going to assume this man is sane, but he's a pussy.  He brags that he would stand in front of the armored personnel carriers when the come to his county border and back them down, but he's terrified to ask for a tax hike from his constituents.  So instead, he comes up with the most far-fetched, unbelievable story he can think of that he hopes will scare people so they don't mind coughing up an extra 1.7 cents.  

4.  Rep. Kevin Yoder.  This guy is my congressman.  When I say "my" I just mean I live in his district and he lives somewhere around here.  I didn't have anything to do with him taking office.  In my continuing "News of Nutjobs" segment, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my congressman's idea of a fun party with colleagues and assorted wives.  He took a fact-finding mission to Israel last year, enjoyed a dinner out and then one thing led to another and suddenly he was skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee.  How fucking bizarre is that?  It could happen to anyone.  We've all been on a business trip with our colleagues and their wives and said, "Hey!  Dinner was great, but do you know what would be more fun?  Swimming!"  And then it was only a little awkward when everyone else kept their clothes on and we stripped down?!  I think this guy must have thought he was hanging out with Ryan Lochte and Prince Harry.

5.  Face-kinis.  Chinese women are trying to stay as pale as possible so they're wearing masks to the pool/beach.  These chicks have whatever is the opposite of tanorexia.  These things scare the shit out of me.  (Much like Patricia Krentcil must scare the shit out of them.)  These women look like they're going to rob me, rape me or murder me.  Is anyone else terrified of these things?

Give us your money or we'll throw you in the deep end!

56 comments:

Tanya said...

I love this one today. I feel for Harry, but seriously?? Lochte?? His mother would be ashamed.

Jenn said...

I dunno. After going to the dermatologist yesterday and learning that I have squamous cell carcinoma all over my nose, I may need to invest in one of those face-kinis.

Anonymous said...

The picture of "face-kini" ladies has me laughing my ass off!! I would probably be scared shitless if I saw them by the pool though! Awesome minis Jen! :)

Irma

ALS said...

I don't think Lochte was with him during the strip billiards. They raced in the pool, but he wasn't in the suite with him later. But even so, Lochte is a huge douchecanoe.

Michele F. said...

1. Agreed! For gosh sake just give her the damn thing.
2. I just want this to go away, gag!
3.Hahahahahahahaha...what?!?...hahahahahahaHA!
4.Refer to #2.
5. Absolutely terrified! I imagine hordes of children running and screaming from this. Somehow the bright colors make it worse.

Anonymous said...

"I hope his grandmother grounded him and banned Lochte from her country." He's the ginger spare. He'll always be second and he obviously doesn't care. I'm just glad he's not first in line.

Jenn R said...

I would tell that principal to take the diploma and put it where the sun never shines. She doesn't need it to prove she graduated. Wouldn't it be sweet if she became super successful in the same school system and just fire his ass OR super successful and take the opportunity to badger him in the media everytime she gets a chance and make his miserable life even more miserable. They were smoking joints and passing the bottle at the back of my graduation and I believe the guy speaking cracked a beer as part of his speech! Times have changed..people are wound way too tight!

Starr @ The Kiefer Cottage said...

That story about the crazy Texan is a riot!

Anonymous said...

I sweat if it gets above 60 degrees. I'm always told women don't "sweat", we "glow." Well, I "glow" like a dock worker above 60 degrees. If I added a face-kini I'd just be another grease spot in the sand. No thanks.

Anonymous said...

The Chinese want to keep their faces pale but I guess I body like leather is fine because most of the pix I saw had the facekini with a normal swimsuit.

Anonymous said...

I served on student senate at KU with Yoder. Let me just say this story surprised me not one bit. (I was similarly not surprised when he refused the breathalyzer after being pulled over for drunk driving.) He's an asshat for sure.

Anonymous said...

Whats wrong with Prince Harry wanting to be a normal human, so he parties has fun. His a good lad that made a bad mistake in the friends!! He chose. Should not the people who abused the trust of a young man also be slated. I really don't see that he did much wrong and from what I can see most of the UK feel the same. Its press and greedy people that need slating.

Anonymous said...

oh above comment, I trying to work out how to enter my name.

Kelly and Sne said...

Hilarious! I have never heard of Judge Head but that sounds like a story that my 5YO would invent since he is always coming up with whoppers and grandiose claims of bravery (or maybe your Hubs???). And Yoder (yes, we share him as a congressman) must not have read the "Top 10 List" on what never to do at your office party (or business trip)!

Anonymous said...

will you please give this guy a throat punch as well.
http://www.themudflats.net/?p=32655
From the town that brought you Sarah Palin, may I present another douche nozzle, Mark Ewing.
Kort

Jenn said...

Why don't they just use parasols? They're a little pretentious, but they're really cute.

P.S. Out of 15 comments, I'm the THIRD Jenn-with-2-Ns. WTF. Moms in the 70s and 80s had zero imagination.

Kaybee said...

1. What the hell?! If I had to deal with four years with this guy as my principal when I was clearly the smartest kid in school, I think I'd be using that phrase in my exit speech too. Because how the hell does she know how people like this douche ended up successful? Oh yeah, by being a bully. Which, I'm sure, the school has a no tolerance policy on.
2. Thank you, yes. I am so annoyed by all the people excusing Prince Harry's bad behavior: He is just a young guy who needed to blow off steam; Give him a break; Let him act like a normal dude, etc, etc. Um, no. That isn't what we should be striving for when we think about normal behavior for our young men, people. And, yes, when I heard Ryan Lochte was there, I was like, okay, everything has been explained. And Prince Harry is a frigging idiot. Diana, I am so sorry, but it is a good thing you did not live to see this.
3. I had not even heard about this, so I think I'll refrain from commenting.
4. Summed this up for me so nicely. What in the hell were they thinking? Every time something crazy and scandalous like this comes up, I wonder how, in that moment, the perpetrators thought they would get away with it. Actions = Consequences, people. For Real.
5. So scared. Just, no.

Miss LaMonte said...

Ugh, I don't know which is worse, Kansas or Texas:(

Jessica said...

I feel bad for Prince Harry, his every move is scrutinized, and published. Who hasn't gotten a little naked in Vegas?

The face-kinis are scary as hell.

Mexmom said...

To the HS principal: just get over it and give her the diploma.

To prince Harry: I actually felt bad for you too and thought, hey you are rich and hanging out in vegas, a little naked is not that big of a deal, then I found out you were hanging out with Ryan and I agree and hope your grandmother bans him from your country.

Face-kinis: No words just terrified...

Rain said...

Those facekinis remind me of the S&M maks thing worn on American Horror story...super freaky!

Texans...hey you know I live in Tx but sometimes I don't get it!

NotesFromAbroad said...

I am not feeling terror when I see the women in the face things. I feel deeply sad for them, living where they do, with the sort of rules they live with, the freedoms they can only dream about.
I just don't know why strong SFP sunblock won't do the same job.

Texas ? They are their own country, leave them alone .. I like Texas and everyone in it ( that goes for you too, Uncle John! )

Prince Harry ... he is a prince. He can do what he wants, what are they gonna do ? give him time out ? He drives attack helicopters. He is a man. Grandma can be mad but there is such a thing as getting over it . Charles had an affair while his wife was alive .. I think that is worse than skinny dipping.

I missed the Kevin Yoder story.
Guess I am glad.

besitos, C

Anonymous said...

Or maybe some sunscreen...?

Veronica said...

Small consolation: if you DO in fact get raped by someone in a face-kini, your body will fend off the rapeness and you won't have to worry that you'll get pregnant. ;)

Sue said...

If you're gonna wear a face-kini at least choose a nice floral pattern.

Valley Girl said...

Way to be snarky to someone who was just told they have cancer... real classy.

kaptnkarl said...

On #1: That principal has the right to be a doucebag, but he doesn't have the right to withhold her diploma. She satisfied the requirements for graduation. Period. She gets her diploma. I had a friend in high school who got caught with a bottle of rum in his pocket on graduation night and the college prep school we attended tried the same thing with him. They told him he couldn't walk out on stage with everybody else, so he waited till it was his turn and walked anyway. He shook everybody's hand and waved to the crowd. The next day he went to the school and told them, "Give me my diploma or talk to my lawyer." Surprise, surprise! He got his diploma.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

Those Chinese girls are going to have some serious tan lines around their eyes and lips!

Anonymous said...

I think everyone is missing the real point as to why the principal is withholding her diploma. LACK OF ORIGINALITY!! Straight from speech in Twilight series valedictorian speech. He's ashamed that their school's best couldn't come up with her own speech.

Lisa said...

True! I am a Lisa, my sister is a Jenn!

Lisa said...

True! I am a Lisa, my sister is a Jenn!

Lisa said...

True! I am a Lisa, my sister is a Jenn!

daye1967 said...

Re face-kinis: If I was going to wear one, I'd want it to look like a crazy Halloween mask - either a tarted up Marilyn Monroe or a Zombie or something with some imagination and humor to it.

Lisa said...

True! I am a Lisa, my sister is a Jenn!

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure Lochte and Harry had a race in the pool, then went their separate ways. Lochte was not involved in the naked pictures.

Anonymous said...

Ummm...you're confused. China does not repress women and make them cover their faces. They just hate getting tans!

And Texas. Well, I like many people in the state as well, but that has nothing to do with that moronic judge! Some in Texas clearly believe they are their own country, and therein lies the problem.

lizzybeth52 said...

Amen!!

pj said...

I lived in Lubbock for six LONG years. Let's just say this does NOT surprise me.

Anonymous said...

Does that mean Ryan Lochte and Prince Harry were douche-canoodling?

pj said...

I lived in Lubbock for six LONG years. Let's just say this does NOT surprise me.

pj said...

I lived in Lubbock for six LONG years. Let's just say this does NOT surprise me.

Anonymous said...

1. WTH?
2. Don't really care.
3. Must be suffering from heat stroke. Someone should really get him medical attention.
4. Nice to see there are some Republicans that aren't up tight. The trip didn't cost me any of my tax dollars, and he wasn't making stupid comments about my girl parts. Perhaps he should look into running as a democrat next time.
5. It looks like they are channeling the creature from the black lagoon.

susanlee178 said...

-Sigh- Judge Head lives down the street from me. My husband says I can't toilet paper his house, so your throat punch is a bit of consolation. Thanks for that!

Misty said...

I am holding out for the banana hammock version of the facekini...

Anonymous said...

Yay valley girl. Godspeed jenn.

Wendy said...

Haaaa haaaa! Good job on making me laugh before my coffee kicked in! Judge Head is a moron. But as dumb as he is his constituents are even dumber. I'm not even sure the UN carries guns. Usually if shooting starts somewhere they are the first to leave.

Sage said...

I'm really sorry. God bless.

Hill said...

If only Harry had worn a facekini.

thoughtsappear.com said...

Yikes! Those facekinis are freaking me out. The colors aren't helping them look any less creepy.

Jenn said...

Thanks for the three kind comments!! Luckily, a fairly simple procedure called MOHS should remove it all. I can't quite figure out why this happened b/c I've always been so careful. I did grow up in the south, though, so I guess that location + fair skin = problem. Sorry about my original Debbie Downer post, too. I think I was just feeling a little freaked out that day. I feel much better now that I know the procedure has such high success rates. Thanks, again!!

Brent Sieckman said...

Totally agree with your list! Nice work. I'm going to check out your Ryan Lochte post now. I heard he was a douche, but don't know why. I know, I'm sheltered.

When I Blink said...

I'm completely flummoxed as to what the Prince Harry story is. I mean, I know what it is. But why is it a story that he partied and got naked in Vegas? It's Vegas. That's what you're supposed to do.

(Seriously. I can't stop thinking about it: What He Should Have Done in Vegas - http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/08/23/what-prince-harry-should-have-done-in-vegas/)

Anonymous said...

Anon has the right idea there. If any of you know anything about skin cancer, you should know that squamous cell carcinoma is a big term for a non-threatening cancer. If she would have said melanoma, like what I had when I was 15, I'd feel a bit worse for her. As is, sunscreen is a sensible suggestion.

Ella Pink said...

Japanese women will probably get on it too because over here, they want porcelain skin and westerns like tan skin... Go figure.

tsatske said...

Don't make fun of Texas. Seriously, it's not nice to make fun of the retarded kid in class.

tsatske said...

When I blink,
whatever happened to, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?