Are You a Willful Wife?

Readers like to send me links to blogs or articles they think I might feel strongly about. This week I received a link to a blog called Biblical Gender Roles. I didn't even have to click the link before I felt "strongly."

But I took a deep breath and decided not to judge the blog by its title. After all, I'm always irritated when people scoff, "People I Want to Punch in the Throat? That sounds so violent!" I didn't want to instantly assume that this blog was written by a homophobic dude with control issues and a God-given desire to dominate the inferior females in his home. That would be wrong of me. I needed to read his writings first before I decided what to think of him.

And then I saw the title of the blog post: 8 Steps to Confront Your Wife's Sexual Refusal.

Fuck that guy. I already hate him.

There were several words in that title that jumped out at me. Words like confront, wife, sexual, and refusal. Oh, and 8. What a half-assed number. Everyone knows lists should be made in multiples of five. He should have pushed himself and come up with two more ways to confront his wife's sexual refusal. 

Look, I am a 40-something woman and everyone I know has refused sex with their husband on occasion. It's just what we do. 

Most husbands want to get busy more than the wives. It's just the way it is. It doesn't take much to flip the switch on a guy. He thinks about bewbs and it's go time. Women can't flip that switch so easily. We are tired, in the middle of a good book, thinking about the never-ending to-do list, feeling a pudgier than usual, in desperate need of a shower, or all of the above. It's just not that easy for us.

There are many things a man can do to help us get in a romantic state of mind and luckily our husbands get that. They know that it's a good idea to say that our bristly legs that haven't been shaved in a week -- OK a month -- in no way diminish our sex appeal. (You need friction to light a fire, baby!) They understand that dimming the lights a little will help us instantly feel ten pounds lighter. They whisper sweet nothings in our ears like, "I fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed. I love how your butt looks in those flannel jammies and I barely noticed that you've worn them all day, sexy mama."

Even with these hot moves, there are times that we ladies just aren't feeling it. We have every right to refuse our man and say "Pass." I can say it and I don't need to give a "raincheck" with an expiration date. I can say, "Pass" three nights in a row if I so choose. (And so can the Hubs, BTW.) Just because we're married, doesn't mean I owe my husband a romp in the sack if I'm not in the mood and these eight steps aren't going to help me feel frisky! 

Of course I feel this way. After all, I'm a "willful" wife, and after reading this dude's blog, I've decided I'm a proud willful wife.

The advice this guy offered is never going to work. 

His ideas are downright medieval. I found a place in the comments where he stated he's looking for sex 2-3 times a week. Maybe for some of you, that's a doable number. Good for you. There might be others out there who think once a week (or -- gasp! -- less) is all they can muster. Those are the wives who should be SHAMED! 

For instance, if she's refusing you and you've talked to her and then "rebuked" her (his word, not mine) privately, openly, and then in front of the church and she still doesn't budge those thighs, then it's time to step it up and stop being nice to her.

Yup. STOP being NICE to her, fellas. She doesn't deserve your niceties! Everyone knows the more you mistreat a woman, the more she likes you. Right??

He suggests you stop taking her on dates or trips. Screw trying to schedule a romantic getaway to get those love juices flowing again! She doesn't DESERVE to be treated like that! Those are "privileges," woman, and your Husband can remove them at any time he deems acceptable. You need to earn that shit. And you earn it by putting out. Repeat after me: Frigid bitches don't get to go to TGIFriday's or Branson.

Another weapon the Husband can wield is the ability to put the kibosh on any new household upgrade the little lady might have her eye on. Want a new vacuum cleaner? Maybe you should have thought about that before you told the Husband you had a headache last night, Toots. Washer and dryer on the fritz? Then give Daddy some sugar, Sugar. You want new carpet throughout the whole house? Well, then you better spread your legs and show your man your rug. New carpet is the equivalent of a Christmas bonus. You need to do things you've never done before!

You better put a satisfied smile on his face if you think you're getting any new doohickeys to clean his castle with or cook his vittles upon, Missy.    

Stop helping her. You've been nice enough to help her with her duties like sweeping and dishes. Knock that shit off. That's woman's work and you were only being kind hoping she'd give you a handy. That's not working, so why are you still wiping counters? No more back rubs either. Back rubs are a clear gateway to sex and if she can't see that, then you're wasting your time and effort. Park your ass in front of the boob tube and demand a chicken pot pie. Women are none too bright, but by now she should be catching on that she's being DISCIPLINED for her (in)actions.

Now, let's say that you've talked to her, rebuked her in front of everyone, denied her an Awesome Blossom, made her wash your skidmarked undies in the bath tub because the washing machine finally conked out, bought her a backscratcher from the Dollar Store and she STILL won't have sex with you, what can you do? (Besides turn that critical eye inward and ask yourself, "Is it me? Have I done something?" Hahahahahahaha! I jest. That guy would NEVER think he could be part of the problem. Nope, nope, nope. It's wanton willfulness from little women who think they're the boss of you!!! Bend. Her. Will.) 

And that brings us to the next step: cut off all financial support.

Now the author of this splendid advice, does let us all know that this devious step won't work if she's got her own job outside of the house. But clearly that's your own fault for letting that loose woman earn a paycheck! However, if she's completely financially dependent upon you and the allowances you allot her, then you can simply cut her off. Deactivate her ATM card, cancel her credit cards. Show her no mercy.

He writes, "The Bible only requires that you provide her with food, clothing and shelter. It does not say that food and clothing has to be the fancy kind that she gets."


Whoa. I was kind of irritated by the previous steps, but this one really pissed me off. Where does this end? If she has a job he suggests that you stop paying any bills in her name and instead make her use her own money to pay those bills. Lights are out! Want me to turn them back on? Then get on your back, woman! Cable's out. Shit. What was I thinking letting you put that one in your name? All right, I'll pay that one, but your Target card is allll you, baby!

Why stop there? Why not stop making her car payment? That way her car gets repossessed and she can't go to her job and make her own money. That'll teach her! Go ahead and put a combination lock on the front door that only YOU know the code for. Tie her ankle to her fancy Dyson that she just had to have. Make her drag that thing around the house all day. That will teach her to think about what her role in this marriage is.

Money is a big thing to me. I don't care how happy you think your marriage is, everyone needs to have access to some money in case anything ever changed. Over the years I've seen too many friends and family members who have been blind-sided by the horrible acts of their "loving" husbands. Husband who start drinking and hitting their wives or wipe out their bank accounts just before they announce they're running off to Aruba with their pregnant secretary. I joked above, but limiting access to money really does make your wife a prisoner. She can't escape a physical or emotionally abusive relationship without funds. The minute someone tried to cut off my access to OUR MONEY, I would rage the freak out. Our money is OUR MONEY. It's not your money, my money, secret money, hidden money. And it's definitely NOT money I earn by having sex with you!

Want to know the 8th and final step this guy suggests?


Now he's talking. I can't reason with a guy who thinks his wife is his property and that he can do to her what he wants because of "Biblical Law." I can't help him understand that if he simply treated her as his equal maybe he wouldn't have so much trouble getting her into his bed. So, divorce it is. I only hope that his wife takes that advice and can get away from this misogynistic, sadistic control-freak who thinks his wife should "yield her body" to him because God told her to.

I don't care if he's your husband, NO means NO.

Want to read more? Check out my BOOKS!


Pam said...

It is absolutely amazing to me that he (and many of the commenters...females mostly) are legitimately brainwashed to believe that garbage. He sounds like a real keeper.

Tell you what, pal. Save yourself the time in putting yourself through steps 1-7 (Aww... but I really wanted that Swiffer! I love it when you clean your own skids out of the toilet even though that's totally a womans work, please don't withhold that from me!) ... and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Anonymous said...

Seriously! He is such a Douche! I clicked on his link, "Why God created Woman" and I threw up in my mouth. I just skimmed it, but he uses Submissive or Submission 5 times, the word obedient once and even says "A woman’s breasts(and by extension her body) were literally seen a “blessing” to man and not only for feeding his children. But they also were for given to him by God as gift, for his comfort and pleasure." Wake the fuck up dude.

Lora said...

OMG...I'm afraid to click through to his site. I may end up homocidal...

Unknown said...

So glad you wrote about this..."article"? I read it against my better judgement the other day and was TOO furious/disgusted to write about it myself. Just thank you! Love your blog and your book! Inspirational :)

Bheagle said...

I've got to give you credit Jen. I read your blog yesterday & proceeded to this idiot's blog. I was so furious it took me until today to comment.

You were way too polite. Let him wash his own clothes in the toilet. I laughed at that suggestion.

There would be an ex-hubs in this situation...

Alexia561 said...

I could only read part of his ridiculous article because it was so stupid. How can people honestly think this way? It's the 21st century not the 12th, right? Unbelievable!

The Third Rail said...

I kinda want to punch YOU in the throat for directing me to that awful idiot's blog. I have never read something so revolting in all of my life. I am married, female, not a feminist and Christian and I literally wanted to vomit. In fact, I think I'll just go ahead and do that.

Unknown said...

@The Third Rail - You say you aren't a feminist, so does that mean you think men are superior to women?

RosieLart said...

men always are like this!they are
dating women and make them hurt after!

Rapunzel Mom said...

The real kicker is that down in the comment section of the original article, the guy says there is no such thing as "marital rape" and a man is justified if he forces himself on his wife. (Let that sink in and enrage your soul.) He's a whole other level of awful. Attitudes like that are what let guys like Brock Turner get off with nary a slap on the wrist. It's disgusting.

jtaggart8330 said...

I'm hoping most of your readers left a comment on his site, this prick deserves to hear every word of anger and disgust we have to toss his way. Ha, he probably doesn't know what hit him what with all the site visits and comments he got since your post! ROFL! I hope a lot of his readers got to read the comments before he deleted them. I left a comment and hope it shook him up a little bit.

BeautyAOS said...

I can’t even click on the link to his site. I may go into a blind rage. I loved your article, though!!!

BeautyAOS said...

Piece of filth. I want to read his article but I may go insane. I love the Internet and then people like him....

Anonymous said...

What in actual F did I just read on that guy's blog? Sounds like an abuser or a pervert trying to use God to justify his wack behavior! Probobly a raper. I never learned that in my church. Well you know what i do when my husband refuses to be nice and I don't mean just a stupid thing but a consistent ass? I don't fold his clothes. I don't do his laundry. I don't cook for him. And I definitely don't give him sex.

An Unquiet Mom said...

Sweet baby Jesus riding a unicorn, there are people who feed into this horseshit? I started reading the comments and they made me feel so damn stabby I had to stop reading.

Almost makes me to refuse my husband sex in a show of solidarity.


Sorry folks, we were just married less than 2 weeks ago and, well, I digress.

Gigi Wolf said...

How does this make him homophobic? You lost me there. Listicles are any number a writer wants to make them, or do you have the same tendencies towards other writers this guy has toward women? Regardless, if women want to follow the so-called biblical teachings, that's their beeswax, I guess. Just as it is if they want to be stay at home moms, or working moms. Not your concern.

Garrett J said...

With any luck this guy will end up in prison and then lets see how "willful" he is. Being a guy I know a lot of us are a-holes but that doesn't mean we are hopeless. I've never been a fan of self help books but after 64 years I read one called The 5 Languages of Love. I recommend it for anyone in a relationship both men and women. Keep up the good work Jen.

Amy G said...

OMFG!!! I skimmed it. I was in a fundamental/evangelical church for 14 years as an adult, in which yes, they believed in the biblical wife/husband roles, submission and authority and all that... and I have to tell you, this guy would have been LAMBASTED for writing the things he did. HE would have been rebuked by the leaders for even suggesting treating his wife that way. And that part at the top in red talking about how forced sex in a marriage is NOT RAPE and justifying it biblically??? Whoa. He either has serious psychological issues (like sociopathic), or his church is super extreme, or both. Those steps are just un-frickin-believable. I really hope that those commenters are only people in that same group as him, and not just random Christians from all over the web who think that is good advice! That is crazy scary.

Splash90 said...

Well, I commented on that article, but since it is "awaiting moderation," I have NO DOUBT it will not be approved. That explains why all the comments are glowing praise and agreement of his truly insane words. Here's what I wrote:

The advice you give in this article violates so many biblical exhortations and commands by God, Jesus and the apostles that I cannot believe any reader gives it credence, or that you could even think this might be how God wants you to treat your spouse. I feel very sorry for whoever she is, and I hope if she consistently refuses sex that you do divorce her (or vice versa) so that hopefully she can find a man who practices biblical love and will treat her the way she deserves to be and should be treated.

JezMyOpinion said...

WTF did I just read? Surely he's not serious!

SBLocalGal said...

Another example of people (mostly men) using religion to manipulate others into doing what they want. I suffered as a teen when my mom got sucked into a Pentecostal church which is one reason I'm an Atheist now.
Women need to realize that they are the majority of voters in the US and wield much more power than they are led to believe. Time to put that power to work. Voting in our own best interests is a good start.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf . Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'...

Popular Posts