People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Idiots on Message Boards

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Idiots on Message Boards

OK, so I get a lot of traffic from smart people on message boards.  People who post things like:  "Funniest blog evah - check it out biotches" or "This is hilarious - MUST read."

I see these message boards pop up in my stats and of course I have to trot over there and see who thinks I'm hysterical.  Mixed in with the lovers is the occasional bitchy individual who has to say something like, "Not very funny IMO." or "She's so whiny and she swears too much.  VERY conceited."

Tonight was a slow night and I started trolling through one of the message boards and all I can say is:  WTF?!  Talk about first world problems.  No, I take that back.  These posters have more than first world problems, these people are just idiots.  There were a few who literally could not wipe their asses without advice from the blogosphere.  Here is a small sample of thread topics I saw tonight and what I would like to respond with just to fuck with them:

1.  My poop is small and hard.  I get plenty of fiber.  What gives?  Obviously not your colon.  BTW, TMI.  This is a playgroup message board, no one wants to hear about your backup.  Just sayin'.

2.  Just ordered $300 worth of clothes from Gap and another $200 from Old Navy.  Should I go ahead and keep the ON even though I didn't have a coupon when I ordered?  Ewww, you use coupons?  That's a joke, right?  Gap and Old Navy are so cheap.  I didn't think anyone used a coupon there.  These clothes are for your nanny, right?  I mean, you're family isn't wearing them?  Have you seen this article about my wardrobe?  I have fabulous pieces and none of them are from Gap.

3.  Reeived $300 worth of clothes from Gap and now I need to return about $200 worth.  Should I drive (20 minutes) or return by mail?  Why do you all spend $300 at Gap or is this the same person as above?  I think you should return $50 worth by mail, drive $50 to the store, donate $50 worth and see if your neighbor will buy the other $50 worth.

4.  Should I put my 3 year old and 5 year old alone on a 1 hour bus ride to camp this summer?  No!  I send the nanny with my kids on the bus and then make her hitchhike back to the city.  She really enjoys the fresh air in the country, so it's like a bonus for her.

5.  We make $150K per year - can we afford private school in Manhattan or are we screwed?  OMG, I just spit out my coffee when I read that.  Yeah, you're soooo poor for NYC.  You're screwed.  You better move to Jersey now while you can still afford to get off the island.

6.  I want to write a novel.  Would you read it?  Absolutely not.  I only look at the pictures in magazines.

7.  I'm 44 and 5 foot 7 - how much should I weigh?  Depends.  Where do you do you live?  123 pounds is what I found when I Google'd it, but that still sounds kind of "puffy" IMO, better make it 110.

8.  Almost 6 year old daughter can write "Did he get a shot?"  Impressive or not?  Not.  My 5 year old (which is what an almost 6 year old is BTW) wrote her own essay for her school applications.  Nailed it!  

9.  Did anyone raise their kid the first year without help?  The horror!  Of course not!  Where do you live?  In a cave?  Is that common where you are?  I had help before we even had kids - I needed the practice dealing with a staff.    

10.  $1K for stroller - good deal or no?  Hmm...sounds a little cheap to me.  Are you sure you're getting this year's model? 

11.  I just knocked on my neighbor's door to deliver mail I received for her.  Middle of the day and she's eating a cookie.  Binge eater?  Of course she is!  What a pig!  I hope you moved away from the cookie and didn't give in to the peer pressure to eat solid foods.


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116 comments:

Mama Crumb said...

haha. You nailed it..some people ARE idiots.

Anonymous said...

You made these up didn't you?? ;-)

And I'm only posting as Annon because I'm too lazy to make a profile...

susan said...

This is also referred to as "white w(h)ine." this is not racist bc I am white, a whiner at times and drink white wine at more times.

Paula said...

Seriously? These people post this crap and expect real answers?

Bluaqua said...

I'm afraid to comment! Kidding. :)

just keep swimming said...

Thank you for making fun of stupid people. I think this is my new favorite post - better even that the stupid Chuck E Cheese moms!

RachRiot said...

Oh hellz no. Those fucktards on the message boards would send me into a homicidal rage. Best to stay away.

Kristin said...

Hahaha. This made my morning better (as I was waiting for my chauffeur to pick me up). I'm off to teach 10 year olds who can barely write sentences. I guess they don't have the formal education of that 6 year old.
P.S. Who puts a 3 year old on a bus with only a 5 year old to watch him??? That sounds odd.

Frank Azevedo said...

Nope, she's not making it up. These gems and many like them, can be found in a simple stroll through message boards. Your best bang for the buck, however, will be on message boards frequented by overachieving moms, and vegan dads.

Thanks for another laugh, Jen!

lorihokie said...

so, I harass my poor FB friends with stuff *approaching* "stupid like this" sometimes, but I would NEVER go out to the world wide web to ask random strangers this kind of stuff! crazy! (yes, there are actually a few strangers on my FB friend list - friends of friends - but I always preface my crazy thoughts with "potential TMI here" and it's about my kids bodily fluids NOT my own!!)

Tinabear said...

hahaha...love it!!!

chick said...

I think you cheated and pulled all of these off of the Kardashian's blog's.

SBrooks28 said...

Um... you should trot on over to my birth board and check out some things over there! Though I'm sure you'd get a kick out of the unillamacorn comments...

Ericka said...

LMFAO! Your responses crack me up. I wish I was as funny as you. Well I am on a very good day, but not every day.

Jenn said...

I hate the people that need advice from strangers for everything they do.
I normally see it with the parenting boards. I also hate the ones that feel the need to ask the same question that was just asked the day before.

Anonymous said...

Ah - go out on CNN or any news site and read the dribble out there. Some I believe are just trolls trying to start something but some? Idiots. I love the ones that join pages, sites etc. that are political just to bash them? Why? Do you have anything else better to do? We have a whole lot of people in this country who (1) have far too much time on their hand, or waste their time; (2) are complete idiots; (3) Are just mean; (4) shouldn't have children; (5) are a waste of space!

bethisway said...

I dunno. Sometimes it's best to air your own occasional stupidity amongst random strangers so as not to lose every single real life friend you have. And since poop is one of my favorite words, it frequently appeared in my playgroup posts, back when I was part of one. Then again, I also posted about the time I thought I had vaginal prolapse only to realize I'd left a tampon in. I thought that mad me an OAM, not stupid! Oh, was that TMI?

Julie said...

"Did anyone raise their kid the first year without help" - I'm laughing so hard. I realized I was in the wrong playgroup years ago with my first kid when the mom's were all planning a Tuesday matinee movie outing (NOT for a kid's movie), and I got the weirdest looks when I explained I couldn't go because as a stay-at-home mom I had to - ready for this - stay at home with my toddler.

Julie said...

Oh, and I also love the people on my mommy-board site that post "Daughter fell and now her arm is swollen and she can't move it, what should I do?" or "Son has fever of 103 and a rash and won't keep food down, what should I do?" Um...take your kids to the freaking doctor???

Anonymous said...

I know people who make these kind of comments and their blatant idiocy is the reason I haven't stopped reading their comments or de-friended them on FB. Sometimes when things get rough I just need to be reminded it could be worse, I could be stupid.

Smart Ass Sara said...

I kind of hate people and it's a surprise to all of my friends and family I haven't randomly shanked someone yet. My problem is that these are conversations I hear in person, every day. I'd be thrilled if it was reserved for just message boards.

Lisa Rich said...

Um, where are these boards? I may need some mindless drivel to take my mind off my own first world problems (whoops, I dropped some cookie crumbs on my keyboard - and I'm NOT a binge eater...I prefer grazer).

Lisa Rich said...

Exactly! Me too!

Peeke said...

"We make $150K per year - can we afford private school in Manhattan or are we screwed?"

This one cracked me up the most! If they live in Manhattan, I am sure a huge chunk of their income goes to paying for housing. On top of that most of the private schools run about $35K per year. Do these people have any concept of money?

In my most sarcastic Buffy Country Club Bridge Queen voice..."If you have to ask, then you probably can't afford it...."

I live next to someone like this...

MommyOntheEdge said...

It's even worse(or better? LOL) when they get into a bitch-fest and fight w/ each other. Then you can just sit back and enjoy the party. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

Katha Stuart said...

Very sad commentary on society! If you're not already familiar with it, look up the FB group "White Whine" - it's hilarious. Thanks for all the laughs!

Anonymous said...

Are you fucking kidding me? This made my lunch hour far more enjoyable. Well, expect the part when I pissed my pants from laughing so hard. Love you. And I'm only posting this anonymous because I'm too stupid to remember my sign in for my Google account... seems so unimportant, I mean Google+ went nowhere, didn't it?

Ashlee said...

My fav is the moms who post "my kid has a 105 fever, is turning blue and not breathing right. Should I call the DR?" What the fuck! Nope why don't you just ride it out and hope for the best. I find I get the best medical advice off the "hot topics" message board, who needs the medical profession anyway. WOW I feel sorry for your poor kid to have a tard like you for a parent! The people who comment are just as stupid , "Is it teething?", "did you google it?" and so on. Parental stupidity at its finest!

Anonymous said...

Idiots and attention whores... just sayin

Lisa said...

Why are people so fucking stupid.

And IMO, you don't swear nearly enough.

Anonymous said...

You are so right... that's funny!!! My child is bleeding out of there eye ball... do we call our Dr. and pay the extra after hour fee or go to ER??? DUH... just put ice on it and put them to bed. It will stop bleeding eventually. WTF?

Kevin said...

Some people should not be allowed to breed, that's all I can say.

Whowouldathought-Kevin.blogspot.com

Unknown said...

I eat cookies for breakfast, in my pjs, with unbrushed hair. I must be a pathological eater.

Anonymous said...

OMg, I have two of those on my mommy board as well. Drive me insane. I can't believe someone allowed them to breed.

Same lazy anon poster as above! ;)

NHGirl said...

I don't see anything wrong with paying $1K for a stroller. The kids deserve the best in life! Personally, I gave my babies diamond-encrusted pacifiers. It was tough when they lost one, but after all, I live in Manhattan and make $150K, so we could afford it. They also only wear Ralph Lauren (ugh, Gap and Old Navy are SOOO low class) and get their haircuts with Frederic Fekkai with platinum shears I provide, used only for my kids' hair. It's a really tough life, having all these expenses. I don't know how we're going to manage buying the yacht we've had our eyes on. We may have to wear those lowly Gap clothes after all.

MommyOntheEdge said...

Me too. There goes the neighborhood!

Anonymous said...

For a true laugh you can check out Etiquettehell's message board :D No swearing, but lots of self-righteousness.

Kara said...

Nothing is as bad as a pregnancy message board. "Can I have raw fish? Is sushi raw fish?" and "I'm bleeding profusely and cramping, should I call my doctor? I'm going to wait until you reply to do anything"

Mrs. Edwards said...

You let your almost-6-year-old write her own application essay?! Why didn't you have the nanny do it? That's why you pay her, right? I always have the nanny do the writing and the concierge do the editing ... and woe to him if there are ANY mistakes! My baby is too busy, what with ballet, soccer, piano, violin, T-ball, karate, swim, and croquet lessons for that kind of nonsense.

Julie said...

Oh shit, I just ate some Easter candy for breakfast. Am I a binge eater???? (OK, I didn't really, but why is it your business if she eat a damn cookie???)

Jill said...

So funny! Same thing happened to me!

Anonymous said...

As a woman who helps moderate a very male car forum, it's not a whole lot different on that side of the world. You can't fix stupid.

Megan said...

Yes! Pregnancy boards are terrible. When I was pregnant, we had this girl post a thread: "Obcessed [sic] with having a girl! What will I do if my baby is a boy?"

Really? Fucking REALLY?

Anonymous said...

You wanna see some idiots go to Mommaville, their lives revolve around that stupid message board.

herculeselton said...

I got kicked out of the mommy group for my sarcasm about one mother's lament of her children reaching school age.."I really don't want to go back to work...but I really don't want to home school. Do you think it is silly to get pregnant again to avoid that?" My response was less than mommy group approved. Something about "nothing like setting the gold standard for your daughters there Ethyl...." Funny thing...I don't miss them. A bit.

My Daily Jenn-ism said...

Ha ha, that neighbor should NEVER knock on my door then... I may answer with a half a cake in my hand!

Poppymann said...

Trolling can be a lot of fun. It's the verbal equivalent of kicking someone in the balls, or whatever you ladies have.

momto2 said...

I should have known better than to read your post while drinking coffee. Oh well, the keyboard needed cleaning anyway. Thank you for making me laugh today!
www.DailyMesses.com

Christie MacS said...

That made me lol. Thanks. I totally agree.

Christie MacS said...

I live in a TOWN like this. Thanks for the laugh!! Your posts make my day.

natesmom said...

Or at the pediatric urgent care I work at, we also get the opposite...."My six year old has a high fever" (as said child runs all over waiting room and climbs on furniture). "What is it?" "100.2" (confirmed that it is not 102). "When did it start?"..."About 30 minutes ago"

We just keep telling ourselves that it's job security.

Anonymous said...

I have no doubt that this is from a place called YouBeMom. It's a clown car full of idiots just like this.

Anonymous said...

funniest shit evah!

Sarah said...

One time we went out to eat for a friends birthday and I was pregnant with my 4th. the girl across the table, who has no children, said " OMG, do you have help with all those kids??" I said" Well, I am a SAHM, so I take care of them" "WITH NO HELP??" she exclaimed. I looked at her and spoke VERY slowly. "Well, I have my husband. It only took the two of us to make the four of them, so I figure we should be the ones caring for them. "

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gawd. I have a really good idea for a book I want to write. Common Sense for Dummies. Problem is, I won't make any money off of it because they're all too stupid to realize it's talking to them.
I am a 28 year old mother of 2 who has the misfortune of looking about 8 years younger than I am. And my daughter is 7 in the first grade. Words cannot express the looks I get and the assumptions made due to the fact that 90% of the other moms from her grade are late 30's to early 40's. But when I am I am pretending to read my Kindle at ice skating lessons or the park while really eavesdropping on their conversations I feel a lot better. Because "darling Sadie has to be in 8 activities a week including Irish step dancing which she hates because even though she has lots of friends we just feel as if she's not developing socially so the eclectic diverse schedule will only benefit her in the long run don't you think?" And then there's poor sweet Josh "who has the sniffles so I brought him to to the park because I had to so Andrew could get out all that pent up eenergy he has since soccer hasn't started yet and hockey is over but he's just going to have to sit this one out - wait - Josh you get back here and sit down! Your nose is runny and I told you today you can only WATCH the kids. When your nose stops making extra boogies you can play again." And yes those were 2 actual conversations.
I want to take the kids aside sometimes, draw lines on their faces with mud and put feathers in their hair and whisper "now go run like the wind. Mommy made up a new game because she wants to lose weight and it's called Catch the Kids. Make sure you run places you're not supposed to like the empty gated parking lot!
What we need is a test that everyone has to take before they get pregnant. If you can't pass it you are not allowed to procreate.

the golddigger said...

Did anyone raise their kid the first year without help?

Of course not. Didn't you get your government-supplied nanny yet? They sent one to my mom when she had three children under the age of five and a husband at war.

Anonymous said...

LOL "I kind of hate people"... that made me laugh! I say that too. Not all people. Just the annoying ones. And, that seems to limit me to about 6 people in life that I actually like!! Maybe we'd get along!

PS - I'm with the other anonymous replier.... too lazy to create a profile!

RN_Mom said...

WHAT? Cookie in the middle of the day?? Everybody knows cookies are for weekends. Raw cookie dough eaten straight from the store-bought tub is for the weekday. Geez...

chick said...

I agree, RN. That woman must have had live in help or an au pair.

Jaimee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can't stop laughing! Thanks! Will you be my BFF? I swear I am better than Tina Fey.... (Actually I wish Tina Fey would be my BFF too. Maybe we can (stalk her) I mean befriend her together. Then we can make fun of all the idiots out there on the social networking sights that have to post the idiot posts.)

The Romaker said...

Who puts a 5 year old on a bus for an hour? Who sends a 3 and 5 year old to camp?

9kidstoomany said...

If it weren't for the idiots who would we have to hate and want to punch in the throat??? I personally love them...free comedy. And I dont have be sad about them making millions like the stupid Kardashians!! Ugh. Talk about idiots.

Lisa E said...

I would have said the same thing. I want to say I am shocked that someone would say this but sadly I am not. I am sure your sarcasm group is out there waiting for you. :)

Melda said...

I'm laughing 'cause you used, Just sayin' - sometimes the passive aggressive approach is needed.

Jaclyn Hartley said...

Susan, we are a lot a like! ;) (What I wouldn't give for a glass of pinot right now!!!)

Amanda I said...

Oh, I love stupid questions/comments on message boards. you're answers were great!

imbogus1 said...

I like cookies !

Anonymous said...

Fact is:
there are a lot of stupids out there. End of story.

I think your responses to the questions could be more harsh. They are not going to get you're joking.

I wish for more people to be less annoying, doubtful if my wish will come true.

Anonymous said...

HA! I was thinking the same exact thing. Um...NO. No, you cannot afford private school in Manhattan. Douche.

*G*

Anonymous said...

YES! Oh my gosh, my birth club is like this. What do these people DO all day that they have time to argue and belittle complete strangers??? And then if anyone calls them out for being hateful, they turn their hate on that person instead! It's like a regular Lord of the Flies over at Baby Center!

*G*

Anonymous said...

OMG, my favorite part was "VERY conceited." LOL. Classic.

Quick story: My BFF (not Tina Fey, but definitely as funny) is about to pop her bun out of her oven any day now. She's a teacher. Today her sub (that she had never met before) asked her if she had "tried stimulating her nipples" to induce labor.

I mean, how do you even ANSWER THAT??

*G*

Anonymous said...

The afternoon is the only time I get to eat cookies in peace!

sfabry said...

So any fans from NE Wisconsin, because I think a girls night out to meet us like minded, sarcastic, laugh outloud at OAM's & elves and "whine" over wine is a MUST. I have been waiting for friends I can tell it like I see to......anyone.....

Knitwit said...

Umm...apparently the same moron who posts questions on message boards asking advice on how to raise their kids!! ;)

MamaCass said...

Haha!!I don't kind of hate people, I fucking hate everyone.

sfabry said...

Hmmmm, maybe since I am in nursing school & did an OB clinical, I am impressed at the subs statutes knowledge....however shit deteriorates rapidly when someone in a non-med setting offers up such personal & unsolicited advice.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, meeee toooo! Just getting to read something for pleasure is great actually having to work to post, not so much. Sorry, life sucks and I'm trying to be selfish at this moment.

Anonymous said...

Lol... amazingly this doesn't even come close to the level of stupid I interact with at work everyday: dtv tech support- I'm sure you can imagine...

crittersandcrayons said...

Just read your closet-clothes post. Comical. Vapid convos give you good blog material, though- right? And, you know you've made it when morons take the time to write bad things about you. So, that's the silver lining. :)

Penelope Lolohea said...

"My 5 year old (which is what an almost 6 year old is BTW)..." <--- Hahaha! Ten minutes later and I'm still laughing about that one. :)

Amanda said...

I swear that sounds like a 'Real Housewives' episode...

Anonymous said...

I heart you for saying what I think. Thank you!

Veronica Dodson said...

Her neighbor was eating a cookie in the middle of the day?? Now, to be fair, this doesn't really seem that bad to me, but only because the pigs in MY neighborhood eat entire MEALS in the middle of the day!! I hope she at least had the good sense to throw up afterwards. GAWD!! *flips hair*

Anonymous said...

I WAS THINKING EXACTLY THAT! *snort*

Leslie said...

These are all very serious white people problems. Shame on you for making fun - you should have a little compassion.

Leslie said...

and p.s. your response to #3 made me snort diet coke out my nose.

jllhiney said...

agree with the "whole lot of people in this country"...sad, but true

Lindsey said...

I had to google IMO. I got the rest of them. But that makes me feel old. Thanks.

Michelle said...

Where in the world are you finding these message boards? I so need a laugh as my kids are no longer little ones, and obviously I'm very out of touch with what mom's have to suffer through now. Of course I had help before they arrived, the three of us. It was me, myself, and I. Oh wait, those are my multiple personalities, don't let them know about the other ones.

And yes, cookie dough if for weekdays. No cookies on weekends as dough all gone by Friday.

J.N. Urbanski said...

What are people like? And where are these message boards? That's funny and depressing at the same time.

Anonymous said...

NE Wisconsin fan here...I'd join that throat punch fan club anyday!

Anonymous said...

Me too

Anonymous said...

My 4 year old son's shit is hard as a rock. Is he a genius?

zeebling said...

Dear Smart Ass Sara - first, I love your name. Second, I hate people too. I bet my family wonders how I haven't committed some type of homicide yet. (If I did shank someone, it would definitely be at the grocery store. Someone writing a check, most likely.) Also, the fact that I have a screen name/profile thingie make me feel really productive, what with all the lazy anonymous posters. Thanks people. You really made my day.

Amanda Dyck said...

Go to car-seat.org, and take a read in their coffee break room. PS- If you didn't rear face your child until they were 12 years old, you will be called Satan behind your back, just a warning. It's FULL of douchey OAM over there. Although I must say in their defense, some of the conversations started are hilarious.

Amanda Dyck said...

UGH! I have this friend! I love her to death, but these comments are super irritating!

Amanda Dyck said...

You seriously didn't put your kids into tennis and sailing? How on earth do you expect your darling daughter, Se7en, to get into an Ivy league school? You fail at parenting, Mrs. Edwards.

Amanda Dyck said...

WE have vaginas, which, according to Betty White, are much tougher than your sensitive gentleman sausage.

HouseTalkN Rossow said...

I was laughing myself silly until I read the cookie comment. Don't fuck with my midday cookies.

Donna T said...

Does anyone remember the Turkey Tirade at the scrapbook message board years ago?

NC lady said...

Seems to me, she's found it Lisa!!

NC lady said...

I also had both children young. I am very proud of this fact. While most people my age (forty this year, ain't afraid to say it!) are chasing their toddlers around, my kids are "out" and "almost out." When I tell people my children's ages, I no longer get the looks you get. I get looks of PURE ENVY. Oh, yeah. And THEN!! I remind them that "almost out" is gone in TWO SHORT YEARS!! This means naked-time-all-the-time. The looks of pure envy turn to looks of pure hatred. To which I respond, "Yeah, I know you hate me. You're entitled."

When the parasites WERE young, I actually had someone ask me where I was sending the kids to camp that summer. I replied, "Nowhere. Why would I send them to camp?" "You aren't sending them to camp? At all? No camp? You HAVE to send the kids to camp!" "Uh, no I don't. They are playing at the ourlastname camp in our back yard using the muscles of their imaginations all summer. When those muscles wear our, they can use their actual muscles on yard work."

The coworker I was talking to was truly and genuinely flabbergasted! Hilarious conversation!

NC lady said...

I asked my husband. It was easier than asking Google. He is also smarter and handsomer than Google.

Lisa said...

This is why I'm scared for society. Stupidity is rampant and incurable.

Middle-aged Diva (Carol) said...

I didn't realize such stupid people could type.

Two2love said...

Maybe so, but I almost prolapsed MY uterus reading it!!! LMBO!!!

Nan said...

Sara, don't say "randomly shanked", hahahahaha!!!

kristiemarie518 said...

The cookie one made me spit out my coffee.

Unknown said...

I just realized that Anonymous was not one busy ass person!!!!!! Lmao!!!

Unknown said...

Bahahahahaha!!!!!! Awkward!!!!!

myspecialkindofcrazy said...

My favorite is when people in medical crisis ask for advice on a message board or group email list. CALL YOUR DOCTOR! If not, you are too stupid to live and just go ahead and wait for responses. I hope it's not contagious!

myspecialkindofcrazy said...

wouldn't an entire meal in the middle of the day be called "lunch"? Now, in the middle of the NIGHT...no, wait, that's called midnight snack. Hold on, hold on...an entire meal in the morning. Ooops, no, that's breakfast. Drats.

Caro said...

UM- It could be worse - those idiots could be your COUSINS! - unfortunately, my cousins are my facebook friends - but it gives me something to laugh about...

Rory Bore said...

I used to read a lot of message boards -- just pure entertainment. I mean seriously, a lot of these idiots: I am Entertained.
But then some just quickly nose dive into commenting whack-a-mole and now you're just watching a damn goat show.
I had to get off them.

Mel said...

Oh man, I left my mothers group just for that! It wasn't so bad until they started posting images of rashes and pooey nappies.

EmmaRose said...

Wait how can those people afford to live in Manhattan on $150k a year?? I think they mean they live in Harlem (which is still technically part of Manhattan). Must suck living in such denial.