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Step One of My World Domination Plan

So my world domination plan is starting in early May.  I'm going to be interviewed by a local NPR radio station (I have to start somewhere and Ellen and Anderson Cooper still haven't called).

An intern did a preliminary interview with me to make sure I actually have something to say that's interesting.  One of the questions she asked me was:  What is your specialty?  What makes you different than the other "mommy bloggers" out there.

I am a mom.  I blog.  Does that really make me a mommy blogger?  

Ugh.  Can't you just ask me about my closet?

It got me thinking about the big bloggers out there.  The bloggers who have the sort of success that I dream about.  What makes them different from one another?  I know what makes them similar.  They're all great story-tellers with powerful voices who like to mix a little humor with a side of serious and/or heartwarming.

Let's see, there's:

1.  The Pioneer Woman.  PW's blog isn't a blog anymore, it's truly an Empire, with a capital "E."  She has books, television shows, recipes, photos, homeschooling tips, the proper cowboy wife etiquette tips, and more.  My suspicion is that Ree Drummond is a droid.  She's like the Plucky, Down Home Model of the Martha Stewart robot.  The Pioneer Woman is just like Martha Stewart, if MS was friendly, unafraid of needless calories and farmed in Oklahoma instead of Connecticut.  Truly, is there anything PW cannot do?   Even her dog wrote a book!  (Mothra's won the Westminster Dog Show, I'm sure his book detailing his trials and tribulations to get that blue ribbon will be out soon.)

To me, PW comes across as the patron saint of the overachievers mixed with Bella Swan.  I just read her memoir and all she wrote about was what brand name clothes she wore on her dates with her cowboy (Who wears heels to a ranch?), the fancy food she cooked for her hungry, hard working man (Of course of he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy - why did that surprise you?) and how clumsy she was around his virile, masculine body (How many times can she almost fall down and be rescued by his strong, ropy, muscular arms?  Almost as many times as Bella was kept safe by Edward.)    


2.  The Bloggess.  AKA the "One I Aspire to Be."  Hands down, The Bloggess is the funniest blogger out there (says the second funniest).  I had the Elf on the Shelf, which was a cute little viral post, but she had the epic viral post about Beyonce, which still makes me laugh every time I think Knock, knock, motherfucker.

Jenny Lawson is my kind of mom.  I would love to hang out at a playgroup with her, especially if she brought her one of a kind Mommy business cards.  The Bloggess has a gift for connecting with her readership and getting them to do some crazy shit.  Like take pictures of themselves with balls of twine, send around a red dress for everyone to share, buy Christmas presents for needy families, and bring big metal chickens with them to book signings (her book dropped earlier this month and I'm devastated that Kansas City is not on the book tour).  She also has an animal fixation, only hers are dead.  She collects taxidermied animals and dresses them up and turns their images into greeting cards.


3.  Dooce.  Even though PW and The Bloggess have bigger audiences, Dooce is the mother of us all.  Heather Armstrong started blogging back in the day when no one even knew what blogging was.  Even back then, I remember my sister in law telling me how funny Dooce was.  I started reading and I got hooked.  Her dog also has his own tab on her blog.  (What's with these girls and their dogs?  Hmm....maybe I need a dog.)  She writes about everything from getting fired for writing about her co-workers to depression to building furniture from Ikea (gotta love the blatant product placements) and now she's been writing lately about how emotionally spent she is with everything going on in her personal life (her new book came out this month and she's getting divorced).

4.  Scary Mommy.  When I think about it, I honestly don't think I've read anything that Jill Smokler has written.  She says she writes about the fact that parents don't have to be perfect - I like that, but I can't really find stuff she's written!  I've been to her site numerous times and every time I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of information there.

She has giveaways, she has a forum where people can chat, a place where parents can confess their parenting sins, and she encourages you to buy her book.  I heard her book that just came out is really good.  (Apparently I missed the memo that mommy blogger books are supposed to be released in April - hopefully I'll get the memo for April 2013.)

I do like that she was part of the "most revolutionary social media campaign ever" when she teamed up with Target and let readers pick her outfits.  It was really fun, actually.  I tried to pick the strangest outfits, just because I thought it would be funnier.  My strategy didn't work.  She looked great in anything they put her in.  She has set the bar high, but I intend to clear it easily when I launch my most revolutionary social media campaign ever when I partner with Honda and get a badass Odyssey minivan.

These are the 4 that I think of when I think of successful Mommy Bloggers, although they're all so much more than that.  Now, back to the interviewer's question:  What makes me different?

Well, let's start with who I am and what I write about.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  I started this blog about a year ago now and I never know what I'm going to write about - it depends upon my mood.  Usually, it's things that piss me off.  Sometimes it's celebrities, sometimes it's politicians, sometimes it's the guy standing in front of me at McDonald's who can't decide what he wants for lunch ("Uhh...what's good here?") and sometimes it's the Hubs.  I try to temper my rants with humor and every now and again I show a bit of my compassionate side.  I don't want it to get out that I have a heart, though - it's bad for business.

I think I'm different from the mega-bloggers, because I'm not as nice as they are.  No one has the scorched earth policy that I have.  I am not afraid to say anything.  It's like I've said before, I'm a bullshit caller.  I don't let people get away with silliness (myself included).  Plus, there is nothing off-limits on my blog.  I let the Hubs write about my jungle, for goodness sake!  Let's see Dooce do that.  When I write, I don't worry about what the masses might think.  Maybe once I'm invited to drive my minivan to the big girl blog party, I might worry, but for now I am my own person.

I read these blogs and I learn from them and I'm inspired by them (and, it must be said, sometimes I want to punch them in the throat), but I won't copy their style.  I will never write a cookbook - unless it's called Food I'll Never Make.  I will never host decorating segments slash advertisements for Ikea on HGTV.  I will never appear on the Today show and kiss Ann's ass when she interviews me about my book (that she obviously hasn't read).  No, if I appear on the Today show, I want to drink wine at 10 am with Hoda and Kathie Lee and thank them for inspiring my first post.  I think it would be great if they put us in a boxing ring and really let us try to punch each other.  I will never get a dog and let it have a tab on my blog - letting the Hubs guest post is close enough.  I will always take crappy pictures with my cell phone camera, because I'm way too lazy to get out the "real" camera.  Besides, I don't want to get so that my photographs are so great looking, they detract from my words.  (Ha.)

I want my success on my own terms.  We all have our own schtick and we appeal to people, because we're not phony (although PW is really starting to become a "persona" rather than a person anymore).  That's what makes them different and that's what makes me different.  You can't put these girls in any one category and I'm proud to say, you can't put me in any one category either.

42 comments:

  1. Anonymous08:52

    When will you be on the radio... I am in KC and would love to listen!!!

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  2. I think you are fantastic, and I love your voice. Most of those others are just too much. I don't want to feel overwhelmed when I get to someone's blog. I get that the bloggers want all those awards and recognition for their work, all those advertisements for a little money on the side, but I just want to hear what the blogger has to say. Agree or disagree with your viewpoint. I love it (and sometimes I even sit and read every single comment, those are pretty good, too). You even inspired me to start writing. I know have my own blog. Only 2 weeks strong, but you have to start somewhere. So thanks for the inspriration and being real and just who you are.

    Jenny
    www.completejensanity.blogspot.com

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  3. jen, you are fab!! i feel like your stalker because i love to tell you how much i love your blog. you are one of my most important facebook clicks every day. i hope that you write a book someday because your point of view is so needed in this world that's so worried about marie antionette birthday parties and elves on shelves.

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    1. Anonymous20:08

      I agree! She's amazing. I don't even have kids, but she cracks me up everyday. I pass her blogs onto some friends that DO have children and they love it.

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  4. I'm laughing at your "super mommy bloggers" label. Awesome. And thanks for sharing what makes you you. Now I don't have to google "KC radio stations Jen PIWTPITT" and try and listen while at work.

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  5. There you go, different and yet the same. If you don't have a dog you are missing some great material, not to mention a friend that love unconditionally. If you ever want to test this lock your husband and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. then when you open the trunk, who do you think will be happy to see you. I guess I'm sayin' you need a dog but I enjoy you anyway. Being a domestic god and one of only a few men reading you I find even I can relate to some of the things you write about. The other times I just marvel at how the female mind worksm or doesn't.

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  6. what makes you different? you're a ballsy biatch who isn't afraid to say what most of us actually are thinking! (i tend to say what we're thinking too, but just keep getting into trouble doing it! lol). your blog name says it all anyway. what OAM's would ever even imagine delivering a throat punch?

    just keep telling it like it is sista! we all love you and dare i say some of us aspire to be like you.

    hugs & punches!
    -jentoo

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  7. You know you have your own voice. You KNOW that, don't you? Because you do and I love it. You are up there with those ladies you aspire to. Give it some time for your audience to grow, that's all.

    Oh and btw, if you tune in to Scary Mommy, you won't read her today, either, b/c you'll be reading ME! That's right, lowly me scored a guest post on the blog of the Queen of all bloggers.

    Coincidence? I think not.....

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  8. "When I write, I don't worry about what the masses might think. Maybe once I'm invited to drive my minivan to the big girl blog party, I might worry, but for now I am my own person." Never lose your voice, Jen, even when you become a sellout! Remember what Shakespeare said "This above all: to thine own self be true." Love you!

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  9. Please don't ever kiss Ann Curry's ass. Ever. But she'd probably just interrupt you while you were kissing it anyway. She interrupts everyone. All the time.

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  10. I'm just waiting for your TV show, a la TMZ, where you stand there listening to your whacky underlings tell you who deserves a punch. I will watch! Just please, for the love of all that's holy, don't have that annoying announcer guy.

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  11. Jen,
    You're great, as are some of the women you mentioned. I think luck has as much to do with success in blogging as finding your voice. There are a million incredibly talented bloggers in cyberland and a million shitty ones.

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  12. What makes you different? How many people have said, "you're my long lost twin" or "I think we share a brain" since you have started this blog? You're real. You identify with the everyday mom out there and that sets you apart from so many. You say what most of us are thinking in our heads. I read a couple different blogs but yours is the only one I read religiously and laugh out loud at most days. And you're the first person I think I could seriously stalk....in a good way though. Good thing you kept your trip to NH under wraps till you were on your way out! LOL

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  13. I used to be a huge fan of PW and my opinion of her has gone down since she landed her fancy spanx padded ass on the food network. I say out with the old and in with the new - tell em all to eat your dust, because I like you better.

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  14. "I will never write a cookbook - unless it's called Food I'll Never Make."
    Yet another reason to love you!

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  15. Anonymous11:07

    I just went back to read your earlier blog posts and loved the "mini punches" Did you ever think of making that a regular feature?

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  16. The world needs more people who aren't afraid to say what they feel. However, for now, we have you. 'Nuff said !!

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  17. Pssh! Dude. You are AWESOME! Rooting for you and that minivan.

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  18. I laughed out loud when I read about drinking wine with Kathy Lee and Hoda. I think I missed them the most of all the daytime TV when I had to go back to work after maternity leave.

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  19. I love that you give shout-outs to the bloggers you wish to be like. Know that you are one of the ones I envied in my Blog, NV post.
    http://hip-babymama.blogspot.com/2012/03/2-1040-blog-nv.html

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  20. My question is, why is everything a "mommy blog"? I don't think the dads who blog get enough credit, maybe I need to research this and figure out why.

    Albeit you are hysterical and I commend your success so great job!

    www.whowouldathought-kevin.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. I think cause women/mommys are more likely to talk openly about their feelings than men/daddys. I like daddy blogs, I just dont think they are anywhere near as common. :)

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  21. And we LOVE you for calling people out!

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  22. WHEN you drive your swager-wagon to the Big Girl Party.... don't you DARE worry what they think!! Keep on being you!! They're all worried what YOU think!!

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  23. As far as I'm concerned you're already at the Big Girl Blogger Party.
    When I think of blogs that are successful, original and consistently good,
    I think of yours. I check in daily and you always crack me up! Keep being
    you and keep callin' the bullshit - I love that - that's what I do.
    Bullshit callers unite!

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  24. Anonymous14:17

    I have to tell you, I have never heard of most of those bloggers but I have heard of you!!

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    Replies
    1. Kristin16:11

      You took the exact words right out of my mouth!

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  25. Rose C15:03

    I want to say a really, really BIG THANK YOU to you Jen, for giving those of us who have felt so overwhelmed to the point of absurdity...and honestly to the point of inferiority & even sadness & guilt in a world the seemed to be marketed & dominated by the OAM's. I am not a domestic goddess, I can barely boil water, my yard lacks even an inch of "curb appeal", the list could go on forever. But I am creative, yet for a long time I described myself as someone who "used to be" creative. Why? Instead of finding joy in the things I COULD do, I was overwhelmed by what I couldn't do...The easiest way I can explain this is thru an example- like many people I could make homemade cards/invitations for my kids parties...BUT I would get so caught up in what was lacking (painstakingly detailed cutout 3-D pieces, hand written quirky little poems about my kids, you name it..) that I would end up going to the store at the very last minute buying whatever I could grab before the store closed & sending them out far too close to the date of the party that so many people could not attend just for lack of notice all b/c I had spent 3weeks trying to design the perfect invitation. The guilt would be unreal. There seemed to be so many moms just like the one you spoofed in the very first blog I read by you (The Elf on the Shelf of course!)that were able to accomplish so much more for their kid's parties, home-cooked amazing food, dessert tables with cookies & cupcakes & a birthday cake that would empress Paula Dean herself (never a store bought cake from the local supermarket like my kids parties!!!)Everything coordinated beautifully, decorations, games, goodie bags, napkins, paper goods, invitations & thank you notes all, even place cards & straw tags (yes little coordinated cutouts for the straws!!! the straws!!!) Everything beautifully handmade & all within a creative theme. And these were not all stay-at-home moms, some have full-time jobs...they just felt so much more capable & devoted to their kids having the best parties possible. Again, the guilt was overwhelming. And then I read your blog & laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face and ended up waking up the hubs & one of my kids...Jen it was a lightening bolt moment for me. Do I still feel pangs of guilt over the store bought cake, the computer printed invites & lack of decorations? Nope! Because all my kids really cared about was having as many friends & family celebrate their day as possible. And they told me that their friends loved coming to their last party so much because it was just "so much fun". I still feel myself getting pulled into the obsession over details, but thankfully I have the words "Don't forget the Elf on the Shelf" written on a post it note stuck to my computer to remind me to laugh not only at myself but at the crazy OAMs everywhere. THANK YOU JEN!!!!! Please don't ever change your voice because it speaks so beautifully for so many of us...

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  26. I love, love, love your voice. So many of the other bogs, including dooce and PW have "jumped the shark"......when blogs start pimping products, it seems like they lose their voice and become too edited and scripted. Your blog fucking rocks!

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  27. Anonymous16:00

    I think you are the funniest blogger ever!!!! I haven't heard of most of those other bloggers. As a Navy wife and mother of a 17 month old boy, I can use a little (or in your case a lot of) extra laughter in my life. I'm starting to feel about you the way you feel about Tina!!

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  28. Anonymous20:57

    Well, clearly I'm an idiot. I just finished Jenny Lawson's book and after finishing it, found myself wishing she had written something else. *sigh*

    Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

    Now to find someone to punch me in the throat for being a moron.

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  29. Thank you for introducing me to the Blogess. I thought if that's the "one you aspire to be," I'm probably (definately) going to enjoy her blog. I followed your link to Beyonce, and then followed a few more links to related posts....and I am still cracking up!

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  30. You and Bloggess are my faves.
    You are one of the few bloggers that makes me jump up and scream, "YES!! Finally someone else said it!!(Fill in the blank with whoever you're punching)IS a wheelbarrow full of crazy and they must be destroyed!"
    Ever since I read her Beyonce post, I have longed for a giant metal chicken to put in my yard (not to piss off my husband, but rather the idiotic HOA).Thank you for making me feel normal about cracking up over the phrase "Knock knock motherfucker".ROFLOL

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  31. You have a unique way of bringing the bullsit that might have otherwise been glossed over (or skipped entirely)and casting it into the glaring, harsh reality, and then take the shot (cheap or otherwsie). I love it! And I am so glad you finally 'punched' Stephanie, I have been waiting! It was totally worth the wait. Keep up the snark.

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  32. I think you are wonderful Jen and I rank you up there with the bloggers you mentioned in your list. You say it like it is and call out the BS with a bullhorn. I love it! Keep up the good work!

    Need to do coffee again soon!

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  33. Ok, I have been reading the Bloggess stuff for about an hour and a half now.
    OH EM GEE! She is freaking hilarious!! If you want to retain any of your eye make up, please dont go read any of her stuff. I have been CRYING laughing so hard!! Her readers/commenters are hilarious too! (I think alot of them bloggers too) Dang, one could make a living reading funny blogs, but there would be no paychecks...so that wouldn't work.
    Love you Jenn! Keep up the good stuff!!
    Devan

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  34. Kiky07:13

    Thank you for introducing me to the Bloggess - I love you both, the same - just as if I had 2 kids and couldn't pick a favorite (wink).

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  35. Anonymous08:45

    Screw the ohers. I'm sticking with you. as i've said, though i don't think it matters, i'm a grandmother now and i've watched the OAMs develop over the years. such insecurity! gotta be the best, spend the most, outJones the Joneses and i can"t tell you how much i enjoy you throwing thr bullshit card on them. from the elf to eternity, babe, i'm with you! Have to post as anonymous..won't go any other way for me.

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  36. Real is better. Even it's it's not as nice as fake. **winks** Congrats on this interview!

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  37. Just read The Bloggess. You kick her ass all over town.

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  38. You are so much better! I never "got" Dooce. every time I check her blog there is nothing of interest there. I used to really like Pioneer Woman until she re- did her lodge and got her show. All of sudden somebody was going to do a movie about her? Really? I did some digging, there is way more to that story! Now there are only post about her dog and guest posts from other people.

    I'd rather read your blog. It's real and funny! I hope you get your mini van!

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  39. Anonymous06:31

    Sorry Jenn...you will never be half as popular or successful as any of the above. You know why? For all your bluster about keeping it real, no one knows who you REALLY are. Each blogger above is honest about their real name, real picture, real kids names etc. You are the typical passive aggressive "bull-shit caller". You like to trash talk behind people's back but won't put your face out there to confront people head on.

    Yes, an anonymous radio interview is great but what could you possibly do if a national TV show wanted to book you? Be shot in black shadow like you're part of the witness protection program? Until you are brave enough to step from behind the shadows, you will have to be satisfied with you small but passionate group of followers....

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