List of Mini Punches


Re-posted from archives.

1.  Mortgage companies.  I know, I know.  I'm a Realtor - I should love mortgage companies, but they really are so effing evil.  They're such greedy bastards.  They make so much money off of me every month and then LOVE to charge me stupid fees for verifying that I put a new roof on my house.  WTF?  Yup, today we found out that in order to get our money from the insurance claim, it must go into an escrow account held by our mortgage company and they won't pay the roofers until WE pay them to send a lackey out to verify we have a new roof.  Meanwhile, they earn interest off our insurance money while we pay for the roofer out of pocket and wait to be reimbursed.  Effing loan sharks.

2.  People who drive minivans like they're in the The Fast & The Furious.  I had a woman in a swagger wagon pull an illegal u-turn on a busy road in front of me the other day.  I thought we were in the middle of a police chase for a minute.  Then I saw she was on the phone and realized she was lost and calling for directions.  I sure hope she had Aighmey buckled in tightly.  My favorite part, though, was when I honked, she gave me the big F You!  I live in Middle America, people around here barely honk, so I'll give her props for dropping the F bomb on me.  However, she's lucky because it just made me wish I had something to throw through her window.

3.  Nosy/snooty neighbors.  The neighbor across the street from me is having some major landscaping done.  It's been going on for a couple of weeks now and every night machinery and piles of rock, dirt, mulch, etc. are left in the center of our cul de sac.  Today a Board Member from our HOA called and asked if I knew what was going on with all the mess.  I said, "Did someone actually call and complain about this??"  He said, "Yes."  Now, I used to be the Board President and I know how this neighborhood is.  They call about the dumbest shite.  (So and so's yard has dandelions and they're encroaching on my lawn.  So and so left his car on the street overnight and not in his garage.  So and so's dog barks too much.  There are black kids going door to door selling magazines - can't you stop them?)

I said to him, "Does this person even live on my street?"  Dead silence.  Yeah, that's what I thought.  They probably live two blocks over and they're still pissed off about what's going on in MY front yard!

Let me tell you, people, we used to have a pedophile who lived our street and some guy who shot porn films in his home every weekend, so a pile of mulch in the road is a WELCOME change to what we usually have going on down here in our neck of the woods.

4.  Technology.  The Hubs is really awesome at keeping us up to date with our technology.  He makes us super duper efficient and I can do everything I need to from the comfort of my sofa.  That being said, the MAKERS of this shite really suck.  We hit about the 3-5 year mark with any one item and all of a sudden it's kaput.  (In two short weeks we've bought a new desktop computer and a new external hard drive.)  OR if it doesn't break, then everything changes and suddenly the devices/phones/etc. we have are now obsolete and we need new ones even though the ones we have work perfectly fine.  So flipping frustrating!

5.  I would NEVER punch my kid - but seriously the crap he comes up with at bedtime really irks me.  Every night he is overcome with phantom pains - a foot that hurts, an ear that throbs, his throat tickles, his eyes won't stay shut.  It's just ridiculous.  He just stuck his head out the door to tell me he has a tooth that is loose and it's keeping him from sleeping.  I know a way to get that tooth out...

44 comments:

Jamie said...

OMG - the kid thing made me laugh - just fyi, it doesn't get better! My kids are 14 and 10 and it's still an endless list of lame ass excuses. My favorite is when we get home from whatever sports practice they have, we encourage them to get a small snack - apple, bowl of cereal, piece of toast, something. It never fails that they are NOT hungry when they get home from practice but when it's bed time all the sudden they are dying of starvation and will not survive the night without food.

Kim said...

What IS it about Johnson County that makes people so friggin concerned about what's going on 3 streets over??? That's not worthy of a mini-punch, that's a full sized punch right there!

Lara Collins Breon said...

It's like you live in my head.... Spot on with all, but the kid one is becoming an art form for our five year old daughter. She could win an Oscar with some of her performances.

Kristy said...

I was notorious for the phantom bed-time pains. I know when my kids do it and I complain my mom will just laugh in my face.

SunnyDays said...

Well take comfort in knowing that the phantom pains, tooth wiggling drama that takes over their whole world and paper cuts that require a call to 911 make daily appearances in my classroom as well! lol!

Denise
Sunny Days In Second Grade

RachRiot said...

We KNOW you would never punch your kid... but the people that you have to write that disclaimer for? That's who I want to punch. And those (hopefully just a few) humorless douches at HuffPo.

Blue said...

*Like*

liz smith said...

*double like*

liz smith said...

I am so glad we don't have an HOA! I would be shit up a creek.

[email protected] said...

Crack me up! You say things I think because I'm trying to watch what I say...so keep saying it!

Currywag said...

My six year old son is the same way! He eats when he gets home from school because all he will eat is yogurt for lunch-that's a whole other issue. I always offer a snack about an hr before bed. No, I'm not hungry then right when I say it's time for bed, it's I'm hungry, I wanted to eat, you won't let me eat every again...and the list goes on. If has eaten, it's Oh, I forgot to tell you something Mommy after they have been tucked in and I'm downstairs or I'm so sad my team lost and Daddy's team won on MarioKart...list goes on and on...

Lillian Carilo said...

*really like*

Heatherella said...

6 1/2 year old here comes up with every possible knee-or-foot disorder ever around 8:30pm every night. Uncanny.

And while illegal u-turns are punch-worthy, I feel the worse offenders are those who simply dart across 3 or 4 lanes to make a sudden turn without warning. And yes, they're almost always on the phone... I wonder if they are all talking to one another, conspiring to annoy the rest of us? LOL

NorthernGirl said...

#5... Could be worse. My daughter always chooses bedtime to ask those "deep" questions. The other night it was "Mom, what exactly comes out of you when you have your period?" *sigh* Really? We need to discuss this now when I'm on my last nerve and at the end of the day's rope? Gotta love it.

Cheers! said...

We are just finishing up the roof process here too and I think the mortgage company could use a full punch in the throat. During my last (of about 25) phone calls with someone in the loss damages department I said, "Well, you're the smartest person I've talked to yet in your department...and that's not saying much." ;) She wasn't amused...but I was. ha!

Lost in Middle America Mom said...

It doesn't get better with age, they'll stall bedtime even when they are teenagers. However, once they hit middle school / high school, bedtimes is the perfect time to get the real scoop on all the things they wouldn't dream of telling you the rest of the day.

Jennifer said...

Ok, I was a minivan driver who made a psych U-turn a couple days ago. (Not in your town). Sometimes I have to prove to myself that driving the thing doesn't make me a total old lady. I also fire that big engine up to blow past sports cars at red lights. So sue me!

Dervish said...

how about people who tail gate you or suddenly pull out in front of you on icey roads.....tonight while coming home from work in a long icey country road this guy tail gated me all the way home even though I doing the speed limit. I really waned to slam on the brakes and do a donut but I thought it might kill us both.

Jennifer said...

LOL the kid thing I totally get my 6yr old will find any excuse to get out of bed and the worst is (with bottom lip sticking out) "I just wanted a hug" If I yell no then the I have to deal with the guilt of denying her the 1 of 20 hugs she desperately needs at 9pm (damn it just go to bed)! The 4yr old has the phantom pains always in her feet which let me tell you require ice packs (usually frozen veggies) and a foot rub! Well must be nice I cant remember the last time someone rubbed my feet in the middle of the night or at anytime for that matter!

Leah C said...

My son had all the phantom pain when he was about 4 or 5. I told him to put a wet washcloth on it. For close to a year the child slept with a wet washcloth. Hes now 11 and the other night he told me something hurt. I told him to go get a wet washcloth. He wasn't amused.

Andrea Filone said...

My across the street neighbor has wayyyyyy too much time on his hands and loves to comment on the comings and goings at my house and then gives me the "just being neighborly..." bullshit. Neighborly of course being another way of saying NOSY.

MandieJo said...

Today my punch is for the mother of the kid who LAUGHED when I approached her about a joke that HER daughter told MINE... We were having my kids 10th bday party, so I held back the punch.....

Let's just say the joke was about a hairy pickle :/

Quanz Family said...

if you haven't already, read Go the [email protected] to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.

dianericci said...

Hoa president myself. Thankless f. Ing job. Someone actually called to complain to me that people should train there dogs too pee in certain areas. Pee really. Pee on demand. Can't make this crap up.

Tima said...

I get "I can't sleep. My eyes won't close." Followed by a demonstration on how his eyes won't close!

Michelle said...

Haha! I remember my mother used to give my sister a TUMS for every pain. Your foot hurts, have a TUMS. Your belly hurts, have a TUMS. I am sorry you are stuffy tonight, have TUMS. My sister should have some very strong bones now.

Buterfly78 said...

I was going to suggest the same :). Even better get the You Tube version narrated by Samuel L Jackson :)

MyRealHomz said...

I'm a Realtor/Mom/Wife too. The Mortgage Co'd def deserve a few punches right in the throat. I would add in Appraisers who are too scared to give their actual opinion so they low ball everything and screw up every deal. Please offer a punch to them too!

Jo said...

OMG....My daughter gets those very same phantom out of the blue pains. I thought she was the only one!! Drives me NUTS!!!! I have found that sending her to bed with a small ice pack (like the small ones for lunch boxes) seems to be a cure for EVERYTHING!!! YAY!! Love Love Love your blog!!!

Penelope Lolohea said...

*Quadruple like.*

Penelope Lolohea said...

I didn't know that was on Youtube! Listening to it now:
http://youtu.be/dIBqd1kxoQk

Penelope Lolohea said...

This list is awesome! My 5 y.o. does the same as your son, and it has just gotten worse ever since he has been treated for cancer (it's officially gone as of last month, btw. Yay!). And after knowing the ins and outs of the doctors and hospitals so well, he's developed some hilarious excuses for not sleeping at night...and while most of the time, they're completely valid, some are just outrageous. Some of my favorites are:

"I can't sleep until my medicine starts working--no, it hasn't started yet." (This, an hour after I know it already started working.)

"I think my blood pressure is too high to let me sleep."

"I need some more food, mommy. I have to eat to be strong to fight my cancer. Oh and I need a drink, too." (This, at 2 am.)

"It's not me, it's the chemo that's keeping me awake!"

And my personal favorite:
"My cancer is teasing me. It's telling me to stay awake and fight it."

Jennifer Hansen said...

You and me both.

Claire B said...

Giggling so hard about the boy going to bed! Today my son's excuse was "the puppy on my calendar is just soooooo cute"...so he couldn't close his eyes and stop looking at him. One of his favorites is "the people in town keep me awake". What??! What does that even mean, nevermind where did he get such a notion???! Kids! Oh and your mortgage company are clearly crooks!

Briana said...

just watched, too funny!

TNMom said...

HA! My husband sprays Dermoplast spray on everything for the kids....bug bites, itchy arm, knee or foot pain - Dermoplast spray! It cures all!

Countryk1 said...

I had to tell you, the hubs and I are living in Germany, stationed here with the US Army and I went to his office the other day and heard a Soldier call someone a douche canoe! I asked where he heard it and he said "Your husband won't let us use the F word around the office so he told us we could use douche canoe - said he read about it in some blog about punching people."

Virginia Mom of Three said...

HAHAHA...me too!

KCM said...

did the minivan driver also have the "baby on board" sticker? i can't stand those darn things, people with the stikers drive horribly but i for some reason am to drive extra careful around you b/c you have a baby in your car? or is it there to explain your crappy driving b/c you are trying to feed your baby that is in the back seat facing backwards a bottle while driving?

World of Mom said...

My 9 year old daughter's big thing is to give us a hug, say good night, then head up the stairs, then turn around come back & give us another hug and say good night - OVER and OVER and OVER until we finally just have to tell her we're all hugged out for the night! LOL

The neighbor thing- SO get it - can't even put a pergola up w/o someone asking if we got freakin' permission....REALLY?? it's in MY back yard that WE pay the mortgeage on THANK YOU!!

Nicole Marie said...

My husband and I HATE minivans that drive like they are race car drivers. If I'm in the fast lane going 85 to 90 mph and I see a minivan come flying up on my ass, my blood starts to boil. We like to say these people have MVS - Minivan Syndrome. It is usually an adult who wishes they had a fast car, but decided to pop out 4 kids instead. Not my problem you had to buy a van to accommodate your lack of judgment. So don't feel like you have to prove something by driving on my ass.

Steve, Christa, Emily, Meghan, Charles & Elizabeth said...

I will admit that I kept calling the city about the gigantic auction sign that kept appearing across the street after the house had been foreclosed. I will accept my punch now.

KmomOf6 said...

Omg, it is fricken hilarious!

Jaguwar said...

"5. I would NEVER punch my kid - but seriously the crap he comes up with at bedtime really irks me. Every night he is overcome with phantom pains - a foot that hurts, an ear that throbs, his throat tickles, his eyes won't stay shut. It's just ridiculous. He just stuck his head out the door to tell me he has a tooth that is loose and it's keeping him from sleeping. I know a way to get that tooth out..."

ROFL OMG I thought I was alone! I have a kid who does this ish too! And not just at bedtime. "My leg hurts! That's why I can't empty the dishwasher" (she's 9, and everything can either be put in a drawer or cupboard at her level, or she has permission to stack it on the dining room table for me to put up later).

I'd never punch her, but dang... and she's like your little girl, too, stubborn. For Christmas, as a matter of fact, I got her pjs that said "I make up my own mind". Yup, that's her in a nutshell. >.<

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