Newt Gingrich AKA "King of the Douche Canoes"

This guy is the biggest joke I've seen in a long time and I'm shocked - utterly and completely shocked - that anyone is taking this asshole seriously.  Newt Gingrich could offer classes on how to be a douche.  It would be called "The Art of Douchery" and I'm pretty sure he could get his usual speech fee of $60,000 a pop, no problem.  After all, this is a man who has successfully blamed his infidelities on the "passion" he feels for this country.



And let's not forget he endorsed the "Marriage Vow," but just stopped short of signing it.  For this bold move, I've actually seen a group of evangelical pastors from Iowa compare him to Don Draper.  No one would ever get that fat sack confused with the suave Don Draper.

If anything he LOOKS more like a Mitt than a Newt.   

Yes, they're both womanizing assholes, but at least Don looks great being a womanizing asshole.  Plus, he's a fictional character.

Newt is a real live racist, homophobic, xenophobic, hypocritical, lying, philandering, egotistical, condescending, blowhard, bully.

I'm actually hoping he gets the Republican nomination, because there's nothing I would enjoy more than watching his supporters try to spin his crazy ass ideas and behaviors such as:


Capital gains should not be taxed - I'm horrified by how little Mitt Romney paid in taxes!  Oh wait, I think he paid too much.


I'm just a small business owner - with a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany, they give those to all small business owners, right?  


I believe in family values - and so do my two ex-wives, one of which I asked for an open marriage when she was diagnosed with a debilitating disease!  


I want to colonize the moon - I'm a big thinker!  (Actually, that one sounds fucking awesome.  I can't wait to colonize the moon!)

I'm not going to punch Newt at all about his politics and what I think of them (I think it's clear I'm not a fan).  Instead, I'm going to focus on the unbelievable fact that this beady eyed hobgoblin was able to woo at least three women into his lumpy, crumb-filled bed (you know Newt is the type to eat chips in bed) and managed to get all three of them to marry him at some point.
Hey baby, you wanna get with this hobgoblin?

Are you kidding me?  Have you seen this guy?  Even in a suit he looks rumpled, doughy, sweaty and a little smelly (I'm thinking a combo of mothballs and B.O.).  Can you imagine him naked??  Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about it.  I can just imagine his big meaty hands coming at me and his mush mouth flapping like a dying fish trying to kiss me...

Wait!  What am I saying?!  Newt would never make the move on me.  Just like his first wife, he would not think I'm pretty enough to be the First Lady of the United States of America.

How in the hell did this guy get three women in his bed??  How did he manage to juggle two at a time??  
What kind of moves can a guy called "Newt" actually have?  I can't even begin to imagine.  Between his whiny voice and his dick attitude, I can't imagine that too many women would actually be attracted to him.

Let's face it, we know what's attracting these women to Newt and it ain't his purty smile.  It's power and money for these gals - well, except for the first one.  His math teacher.  I have no idea what that was about except maybe she was a creepy cat lady and Newt was failing math and he saw an opportunity and took it.  He's been described over and over as an "opportunist."  So that makes sense.  Plus, it's the only scenario I can come up with.

By the time he met the other two, he was wielding some power and those two were obviously attracted to his power - I refuse to believe it was his good looks and winning personality.  Either that or he has an enormous....stimulus package (blech, I just threw up again).


What the fuck is wrong with women who are attracted to assholes with money and power?  You can't tell me that if Newt was a middle manager making $70,000 at Avery, any of these women would have lined up at the door of his modest ranch house just so they could get free labels.

Why are money and power such strong aphrodisiacs for women?  And why do the women attracted to rich and powerful men always assume it will be different for them especially if they were once the mistress?  Maybe that should be one of my rules for daughters:  Never be the mistress.

Better watch your back, Callista.  You might look the part of First Lady with your plastic Barbie body and platinum helmet hair, but you're getting some miles on you.  Think of what a dick Newt is now with his giant ego (even with that ridiculous bobble head) and he doesn't even have the nomination - what if he gets the nomination AND becomes President (God forbid)?  This is a man who thinks he's going to colonize the moon - in the next 8 years.  He dreams big.  Probably super model big.  He might take a page from Nikolas Sarkozy's playbook and try to find his own Carla Bruni.

Remember, Callista, he didn't sign the "Marriage Vow," he only "endorsed" it.  Do you really think he won't at least think about trading up?  He has so much "passion" for this country and the American people might just demand a younger, hotter First Lady.  If that was the case he'd have no choice, he'd have to listen to the people.    

Before you attack me because you think I don't like Newt because he's a conservative, I want to be clear.  I want to punch Newt in the throat because he's a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, hypocritical, lying, philandering, egotistical, condescending, blowhard, bully and an asshole.  I could care less which party he's with.  He's just a dick and I'm surprised more people aren't saying it so I thought I'd start.

Comments

Toni R. said…
And you know all of these things for a fact because you read it in the media and those things that are said against him MUST be true! Typical liberal.
Lilliana said…
Now I am officially in love with you. Also, I shared this on one of my FB pages, Tea Party Bitches.
SLICKSTAH said…
Funny shit. But what's up with Newt's third wife Callista? With all those angles, you could cut a roast on her face. And she's got that bug-eyed, Barbara Bush, hit-in-the-back-of-the-head-with-a-Thermos look to her...?!? Very disturbing.
Dave Watts said…
I love you. You write what I am thinking. This is EXACTLY how I feel.
imbogus1 said…
Come on, tell us how you REALLY feel...just reading that I'm a little queasy!
we don't agree on politics, at all, but that's ok b/c everyone is entitled to her own opinion and I still think your funny and I am still going to keep reading your blog. Aren't I mature!?
Coach Petrina said…
I love you!
Zebsmom said…
Shit is shit no matter where it runs!!
Kristen said…
It's scary to,think the next president could be named after a salamander. That won't make us look crazy at all! I don't really pay attention to politics, but I do think he looks like an idiot!
Jen said…
Yes. Thank you.
stlmom09 said…
I will probably vote Repub in the next election and I can't figure out why anyone would listen to that asshole either. Well said, as usual!
Jamie said…
What kills me is the number of people who will now respond to your blog (as some already have) spouting off about what they assume are your political views which ALWAYS determines your outlook on life. Pretty sure I read in a couple different places up there that this blog wasn't about his politics, but about the fact that he is truly a douche canoe complete with gold-plated paddles. *sigh* I agree. He is everything you mentioned and more - and my agreement has nothing to do with his politics either, only who he is.
Jenny said…
And yet, you probably believe in all the things that the media say about Obama, Romney, Demi, Micheal Jackson, etc.... typical human!
I totally wonder the same thing. Nothing attractive about this man!!!
Alysia said…
Oh my gosh I agree with you so much it's not even funny. HOW has this happened to our country???
amanda jo said…
I completely agree. I think we are in HUGE trouble as a nation if he wins ANY party nomination, much less the presidential race. I honestly can't believe that this is the best the republicans can come up with. Can't we have any decent politicians?
3shortiesplus1 said…
So as a typical conservative, I guess you only believe in what's on Fox News which of course is all true, accurate, and unbiased? Right.
Colleen said…
I almost always wholeheartedly agree with those you wish to punch and you didn't disappoint me today. WTF is wrong with these women who think that they will be the ONE that these cheating assholes are finally true to? If he cheated on #1 to get #2 and he cheated on #2 to get you, don't you begin to see a pattern? I say you get what you asked for and I want NO WHINING when your dumbfuckery becomes apparent and he dumps your ass for the next "love of his life".

Wow, where did that come from? LOL! Anyway, I agree with your assessment of him and I threw up a little in my mouth too at the thought of that doughy douchecanoe climbing on top of anyone - ugh, it just happened again!
Moo's Momma said…
Well said! I love it!
Julie said…
I love your blog. Just curious if you posted the same rant about the philandering Bill Clinton???
Knott02 said…
I will say DITTO! I have enjoyed our peace and quiet here in Iowa since they have all left the state!

I do have to always question the people that are supporting him. Do as I say, not as I do and God forbid, I will lead the United States of America!
Allison said…
Umm. Tea Party "bitches" like me are repulsed by Newt more passionately than this girl. Why? Besides all the adjectives used here to describe him, he is also 99.9% the same as Obama. Well, except he's fat and has a gigantic issue with ethics, and also he doesn't have a book that no one read where he told the world he was a communist and since he sounds so pretty we just let that go. Otherwise- THE SAME. Real Tea Party "bitches" recognize that politics these days is something like helping your kids to feel empowered, you give them choices. "Would you like to wear the red coat or the blue coat?" Doesn't matter. Your goal was to get your kid to keep warm by wearing a coat. Would you like Romney or Gingrich? Doesn't matter. Republican or Democrat? Obama or Romney?Doesn't matter. The choice has already been made for us. So, relax.

Oh, and just a note, tea party "bitches" don't typically call liberal women "bitches." We call them "women." Funny how liberal women have so little respect for women who believe something different from them and find it necessary to use words like "bitches" to describe them. Rudeness is, after all, the weak person's imitation of strength.
Heather in FL said…
What's funny is that I didn't even see this as a liberal vs conservative rant. It's not even really political, aside from the fact that he's running for president!
Anonymous said…
@Toni- You don't generalize because you're conservative? And you must talk crap about liberals because you know ALL of us personally? You didn't ever listen to the media? Social Psychology published academic journal studies would prove differently. We ALL do. Pretty sure the media didn't have to make Newt look back. He did it to himself. I believe this amazing fact finder is just stating the obvious. Plus, if being a non-raciest, all for equal rights, desiring honest leadership, won't tolerate bullsh*t, marriage upholding person makes all of us liberals, sign me up. Do us all a favor and go back to watching Fox News and reruns of the Glen Beck Show on Youtube. P.S. Don't read her blog if you don't like what she has to say.
Kayla Arnolts said…
toni, you must have missed the fact that he really a three time divorcee, and that he's publicly admitted to infidelity. regardless of all else, that in itself is enough to qualify newt as a douche canoe. i'm not a ten commandments type, but cheating ain't right.
Annie Singler said…
I definitely lean toward the right, but I couldn't have said it better!!!! I loathe this guy and it frustrates me to no end that people are willing to vote for this... this hypocritical toad just because he's "more conservative". What an asswhore.
Jen said…
I didn't have the blog back then, but yes, I would have. I find him equally nauseating.
I think both parties have their problems. Ha. Understatement of the year. BUT I, like you, can't believe the Newt phenomenon. I think the Republican party made a mistake when it put Palin on a ballot and will do the same if it endorses Newt. I mean, at least Palin was sort of hot (and I say that out of a deep deep love for Tina Fey). As for Newt...quite frankly, his holier-than-thou speech about "reaching out" to the NAACP and helping them understand the difference between paychecks and food stamps was enough for me. Couple this with his claims that poor people just need to get up on Mondays and holy crap - the guy is a WINNER.

And, even though this is NOT my blog - I feel like addressing some of the comments. Ha.

First, this is not some misguided "I believe everything the media says" thing. Newt himself acknowledged his patently racist comments to the NAACP, but claimed it was out of the goodness of his heart to "reach out" and inform people about how to not be on welfare. Kudos.

Also, though Bill Clinton was no saint to matrimony - he didn't proposition Hilary after she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Is the media preying on that tidbit? Absolutely. Could there be some truth? Probably.
Shane said…
You are correct. He is a gigantic, pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
mosaicmaddness said…
Agreed. Whole heartedly... all the politic nonsense aside, this guy is just nasty. I don't get women who are after the power... I can't imagine the Jaguar and big diamonds really being enough for me to have sex with that!!! I can't even think about it in too much detail because I feel nauseous.

I guess I'm just not that shallow. Idk.
Jamie said…
Well said.
Kathy said…
Great post! I am still scratching my head as to how Newt as gotten as far as he has. Are there really that many uninformed people supporting this idiot? As far as the women who migrate towards this type of guy, I don't believe power has much to do with it. It's all about the money as who in the world would want to do the nasty with this putz.
miatamel said…
Well, while we are punching politicians in the throat, I would like to punch Romney for thinking it's okay to strap the family dog on top of the car in a carrier for a 600 mile car ride, all the while diarrhea is running down the car windows because the dog is so freaking scared. Way to treat something you care about, there, Mitts. Yeah, just who I want to run the country...someone with so little common sense AND compassion
Robbie said…
Great post and I agree with Kathy. How the hell has he gotten so far?
Jenn said…
Love everything about this post! AND I love how nothing in here is about politics, it's about the person, altho some people obviously don't agree with that...well done!
Rosie said…
Oh Snap!

And yes, I'm a liberal, but I have to agree that respect comes before political ideals. Thanks for that reminder, Allison.
SZA said…
Did you see the Colbert interview with Maurice Sendak where he just rips on Newt? O to the M to the G.
MamaCass said…
You hit the nail sister!! They are all Douche bags! He's just the loudest! Bill Maher HBO Friday nights always gets a good laugh at the past weeks fuckery that comes out of those guys' mouths. Egomaniacal is an understatement:)
Megan said…
I am a conservative and Newt is NO conservative. He is a progressive wearing the cloak of the Republican party (of which I am only currently a member so I can vote in the PA primaries. Then I go back to Independent. Or maybe Libertarian this time - labels are so ridiculous.) Not sure about the racist comment (I really hate the way that word is constantly thrown around by our so-called "leaders") but he is a sneaky nasty liar and has fewer ethics than Obama. And I seriously hope for a "3rd party" or, better yet, NON party contender if that slimebag gets the Rep nomination.
Jennifer said…
This post has nothing to do with politics!!! It's hysterical that the first few posts are about politics when you clearly state - it's not about politics. It's about the man. And yes - the man is an ass.
Megan said…
no. politicians by their very nature are power hungry slimeballs. The good guys rarely stick it out.
Rosie said…
What gets me about the comparison between Bubba and Newt is that Bill's been married once (that I know of) and he didn't leave the first wife for the second and the 2nd for the 3rd (while she was ill).

Also, didn't Newt led the Bill's impeachment proceedings? yeah, double standards much.

And BTW: I agree with Jen that Bubba's a douche too.
K said…
Hobgoblin... Dead fish... ha ha ha!!!
Single Lady said…
I agree. Don't care for his blatantly racist politics but I think he's gross period. How he got one wife, much less three, is beyond me, especially after the cheating. If he cheats with you he will cheat on you. And, just so you know, this liberal wanted to kick John Edwards in the throat for cheating on his sick wife, too. Definitely would have been sick for him to be on the ballot.
BlondeGirl said…
I just about lost my shit when you called him a "beady eyed hobgoblin". LOL, well said, well said.
teamglenn said…
I'm surprised that nobody has mentioned his hair yet. I've hated Newt for YEARS just because of his hair. That alone makes me want to punch him in the throat!
LilyPetals said…
I love how politics don't affect most of my views on people. I would describe my political philosophy as disillusioned (but constitutionally based conservative). And just so ya know. I thought this was great. He is a douche canoe. A big one! I didnt get that information from the media as your first commenter suggested you had. I got that healthy opinion from the SC primary debate.
LilyPetals said…
Isn't it awful? I don't think people understand what conservative means. I HATE hearing people call Newt conservative.
Tricia said…
If you'd like to have a little laugh at his expense, follow @gingrichideas on twitter.
An IDEA Dad said…
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Callista will be traded up for a new model soon enough.
Jen Giroux said…
All politicians should be punched in the face then sent to colonize the moon. It might lessen the amount of crazy here on earth.
Brooke said…
Woot woot, Ron Paul all the way! Haha, I'm a little biased, I live in his hometown of Lake Jackson, Texas, population 25K. We be big time ;) I'm not a fan of Newt either, and I love that you steered clear of the politics issue and kept it to his own personal douchebaggery.
Jenn said…
THAT was hysterical!
couplabz said…
I agree with you and I am a conservative.
luvgreen said…
I'm with Lilian, am officially in love with you.
luvgreen said…
Seriously I hadn't heard about this? That's criminal!
I'm Just Sayin' said…
can I just say...."DITTO"
Anonymous said…
"Funny how liberal women have so little respect for women who believe something different from them and find it necessary to use words like "bitches" to describe them." Wouldn't want to stereotype all liberals with that statement anymore than you want all Tea Party members described as Newt supporters, would you?
Anonymous said…
Word.
NorthernGirl said…
Saw pic of Newt floating around the internet this weekend and the caption seems appropriate to this post

"Family Values... Using your children from your first wife to convince everyone that your second wife is lying about your third wife."
It reeks of being made up... but isn't.
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/01/dogs-on-the-roof-campaign-craziness-continues-to-s-c-and-n-h/
Kristie said…
AMEN, SISTER. He's just a big hefty bag full of yuck.
Mandy said…
Why do all of our choices in politics these days have to be so damn crooked? I'm no saint and I certainly don't expect perfection, but seriously THIS is what Americans have to choose from these days??? An existing president that has his own slimy ways or a bunch of dirty crooks in the Republican camp. Can we please just have one decent human being to choose from? I loved the hobgoblin line by the way. At least you made me laugh at such a pitiful situation.
Leigh said…
I get how he got 3 women with his power and money. I had a crush on Tony Soprano for the same reasons even though he was a big, round, balding, sweaty mush man. Weird, I know. I wouldn't touch Newt with a 1 million foot pole.
B Mad said…
I think all politicians deserve more than just a punch in the throat... Maybe a couple of junk punches. They are just there to give us the illusion of freedom. The two party system keeps us busy fighting about who's more extreme while the true rulers of America keep taking every last penny from us. I'm actually posting tonight on this very subject.... So check out Bmadisms for and extended rant about this.
Suzanne said…
I agree. I live in SC where he won the primary. I couldn't believe it! I didn't really like any of the choices but I voted for the one most likely to beat Newt just because he's a douche canoe. Not that the other choices are great either. It came down to who has the best chance of beating this asshat.
Politics aside, he is so polarizing. I don't understand why anyone would want that in the White House. Seriously? I never in a million years thought I'd vote democrat, but if Newt is my choice on the republican side, I will do just that.
MrsHoehn said…
I'd vote for him if he'd promise to live on his colony on the moon. Forever.
Allison said…
@Jill, Stereotyping is a part of life. I know it isn't politically correct to say such a thing, but it is logical to assume that if you are an observant person and you come in contact with many people from a particular group and the majority of those people have a common behavior, that statistically it is likely that most people from that group also have that common behavior. The problem we can run into is when we stereotype a group without actually having observed that behavior for ourselves as Lilliana did in this case. There are a very few Tea Party people who would ever be caught dead voting for a guy like Gingrich. It is silly really to make that stereotype because a very strong majority of us find him beyond repulsive- and it isn't just because he's a douche canoe (did I say that right?) He's also VERY VERY progressive and that makes him just like our current President who, and you may stereotype us on this one, we are none too thrilled with.

So...yes, I stereotyped liberal women based on my experiences with so many of them. I should have added an adjective there like, "Many" or specified a specific group of liberal women who seem to like to debate until they have to present facts to back up their position. There are a few I admire and who can often make me think twice about an issue and sometimes even change my mind completely, but I am called names a gazillion times more often than I experience a sound debate in which issues are presented and defended with facts.
Allison said…
I also want to add, this post is hysterical. It was meant to be funny, not about politics. And for once, most of us agree on this. So what in the world possessed someone to drag the Tea Party into it and call them bitches? So weird.

And really, I love this post. It made me laugh. And truly at this point I do not think there is anything else we can do. We are too far gone if we think a guy like this should be leading this great nation. We're doomed so let's just laugh and have a glass of wine. Or two
Michelle said…
You have very eloquently said what many have thought. I make it a practice to not talk politics, but, man, this guy is a piece of work!
Kim Flaherty said…
Agreed. Yes, I'm liberal, but even if I was conservative a douche is a douche is a douche. No matter how you look at it.

This is all I want to add:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=360736623955797&set=a.223098324386295.105971.205344452828349&type=1
Beth said…
I agree wholeheartedly. I just don't get the attraction, politically or otherwise. Also, when he was young he was a dead ringer for Dwayne from The Office.
Elizabeth said…
Bubba let a girl 20 years younger than him give him a blow job under the desk in the Oval Office. Then, he LIED about it. That is equally as douchebag worthy. :)

I'm fiscally conservative and socially independant and I HATE Newt Gingrich. I completely agree with EVERYTHING Jen says in her post. What will we all do in November when we have to chose the lesser of two evils? Our country is going to hell in a hand basket and all people want to do is argue about which "party" is right. Here's the answer: NEITHER!! Wake up America!!
mlimburg said…
I love you. Period.
Melissa said…
Wow, it would be nice if people stopped to consider what they're reading instead of getting their knickers in a twist over what they THINK they're reading.

The original poster was naming a FB group that she's a part of and not calling anyone names.
Melissa said…
Excellent use of the uninspired slam, "typical conservative"! I think I hear someone gathering up their toys and stomping home.

1. His infidelities are fact as are his three marriages.

2. His "endorsement" of the Marriage Pact is also a fact and a HUGE hypocrisy.

3. Even Conservatives who served with him in Congress do not want him to be President. Why do you suppose that is in an election year when Conservatives desperately want that White House?

4. Finally, your reading comprehension skills are appalling.
Kim said…
Dr. Phil puts it best: "If he does it with you, he'll do it to you."

And I don't like Dr. Phil either, but I LOVE that sentiment.
Carisa Moore said…
Anybody else think "BOSS HOG" when they see him? Cause I do!!!
OMG you're so right! Newt has always been a huge joke, and I don't know how anyone can honestly consider him a "conservative." If he wins the nomination, any hope I had for the country will be taken out back and beaten into submission with a rubber hose.
cadams510 said…
If Don Draper were real, he could tell me to stay in the kitchen all day and do nothing but make sandwiches and pour scotch, and I would. Newt, on the other hand, looks like he doesn't need sandwiches...

I am a conservative. I just am. More fiscally than socially, but I just vote republican. However, I am horrified at the thought of anyone/thing named Newt being incharge. I wouldn't let a bagger named Newt near my groceries, I am certainly not voting for one. If I look at someone and wonder how much gravy they have stuck in their chin folds, they shouldn't be president.
Auntie Bea said…
i'm an "independant conservative". i don't agree with a lot of people, but i respect their right to disagree. i ACTUALLY REMEMBER newt in the 90's and his fall from grace. i assert that anybody that can't keep to their marriage vows (which is the most basic of contracts) is not fit to lead. character matters. i don't love barack obama, but at least he has been faithful to his family. newt is a giant douche, and any woman that is okay with carrying on with a married man (this includes wifey #2) is DISGUSTING. if the republican party is stupid enough to nominate this P.O.S. as their candidate, than they had better be prepared to step down of their "family values" pedestal, for they will be no better than the "left" that they look down upon. jen is entitled to her opinion. i have never been able to figure out why people take issue with somebody else's opinion that they sought after.....ON PURPOSE.
cadams510 said…
Agreed. In fact, I would give him all the money I don't have to stay away from me.
JennDrenn said…
I can't get past all of his personal shit to even begin to look at what he stands for politically.
Jen said…
Thank you, Melissa. I was just about to post the same thing. :o)
Anonymous said…
@Allison Awesome. Thanks for that little lesson in stereotyping and how it was used appropriately. Being a shut in and living under a rock for the last 40 years, I would never have guessed it was so prevelant in our society. I will be wary of using logic, being observant, and of coming in contact with many people of a particular group whose majority exhibit a common behavior from now on.
Shannon said…
hilarious!
Cmurphy said…
Just curious who is the perfect candidate with no baggage that could actually stand up in foreign affairs, get us out of this failing economic debacle, protect our boarders, and fix the failing education system. Lately I am not sure we have not had church boys in office. So if you are expecting the second coming to come down and run for office then maybe you should check yourself and hope the Mayans are right and the world will end.
Ali said…
I wish there was a button where I could like Jill Tadros' comment!
vikki said…
I couldn't agree with you more Elizabeth. It's become such a sad state of affairs and truth be told it IS going to be the least of two evils. Newt totally grosses me out - my husband is a fan ( can't say much for that though )!!! Jen is right in about Newt, the salamander, the doughboy and the douche canoe! He's a slimy nerd that can't possibly do us any good!
Pam said…
I saw a post on fb a few weeks ago with side-by-side pictures of NG and Susan Boyle .... twins separated at birth?? check it out. He looks just like her. maybe she's his drag alter-ego.
hodgepodge8 said…
Well said Auntie Bea!!! I am a conservative and I LOVE this post! Jen is absolutely correct and, like she said IN HER POST, this is NOT about politics! It's about a Douche Canoe to the core!! If the Republican Party does end up nominating him, I just might be changing my party affiliation...
Leigh said…
Bwaahahahaha! Very funny!
kaptnkarl said…
Love this post and couldn't agree more. But what reallyt amazes me about Newt's popularity is that no one seems to remember that this clown got chased out of congress for TAKING BRIBES! Is that really the kind of person that we want to lead us? Is there anyone out there that is stupid enough to think that this little hack would represent anyone's interests but his own? Is this how low our political process has sunk?
A few years back comedian Lewis Black commented on the American political process by saying, "The way things are going, in a few years we'll be voting for plants." Well, I say, "Bring on the philodendron!"
Mama Bean said…
I really think you shouldn't hold back quite so much.
Cory Waldrop said…
One, totes agree. Two, I love how ppl are losing their shit on these comments like it's personal OR like their rant is going to change minds. Awesome. (Chelsea Handler just asked someone if they would rather have sex with Newt or her sidekick Chuy- I busted out laughing, then threw up in my mouth when I realized the question!)
C said…
This comment is AWESOME. Can't stop laughing!!
TNMom said…
OOH! Love me some Liar, Liar! :)
TNMom said…
He is totally disgusting and your description of him coming at you with fish lips and what not - made me pee. LOL. Love you Jen!
Devan
Tazi-Kat said…
Rush Limbaugh has also been married 3 times...it's funny how men who promote family values never seem to be able to live by them!
cakeburnette said…
I personally despise this man and could not vote for him if he were the ONLY CANDIDATE.
Veronica Dodson said…
Hilarious post! Although I can't stand Newt, I'm pulling for him to get the Republican nomination...the debates and SNL sketches would be epic.
My4Girls said…
Newt: 10 pounds of face in a 5 pound face bag.
Anonymous said…
I love that this immediately became a political debate. Makes me want to punch someone in the throat. Not Newt though, because the thought of touching him actually makes me want to die a little.
Countryk1 said…
Jen, love the post, I agree, thinking about him in the same context with sex makes me throw up in my mouth a little too.
Jensational said…
Jen,

I love your blog, you make me laugh and I will continue to read it. BUT~~ you have a lot of inaccuracies in your list of issues regarding Newt. Yes, he is a womanizing, egotistical (aren't they all?) lying, hypocrite but he's not a racist, a homophobe or a xenophobe. He's just a politician. I think the two biggest pieces of wrong information you posted was telling his wife he wanted an open marriage after being diagnosed with a debilitating disease. The media started that rumor and even his two daughters said that never happened. SHE asked for the divorce while in the hospital for treatment - READ what his daughters said happened, they were there. Second, Mitt Romney pays a 35% tax rate on income earned every year. His capital gains rate is 15% which is what ANYONE pays on money earned through investments, so if he earned money through his normal work and made money off investments, he essentially paid 50% in taxes and yes, that is too much. We shouldn't have to pay that much in taxes so the government can spend it paying off their labor union buddies (Obumbum). And just because I believe in freedom to do whatever the fuck you want in life, within reason, who gives a shit of Newt has a $500k line of credit at Tiffany's?? If he earned his money, doesn't he have a right to spend it as he sees fit as long as it's within the law? When did having money and huge lines of credit become a crime or something to be ashamed of in this country?

Like I said, I love your blog, you crack me up but if you're going to write stuff, make sure it's factual and accurate. By the way, VOTE RON PAUL!! :-) hehehe

Jensation in Fort Worth
Jensational said…
That's not true, either. He has 84 ethics charges against him and 83 of them were thrown out because there was no basis for them. He paid the fine on the other because of a technicality otherwise that would have been thrown out as well. Just sayin'....and no I don't like Newt, I just like facts.
Becky B. said…
Amen to this. I get up everyday, watch the news and think, "This is the best this country can do?" The only thought more horrifying than this is that the rest of the world is thinking it too. Not only sad, but dangerous.
Jeffrey Stites said…
Newt is the Republican Bill Clinton. Fat nerd with power. Give him a few months in the Whitehouse and he'll be getting all jiggy with a fat 20 year old intern.
Lora said…
Boy this was a fun one. LOL at all the piranas feeding on eachother up there ^^. I'm a "typical conservative" and I found this post really funny. Funny post, great topic to stir up the readers. Well done.
Celeste said…
Total props to you on this one. I particularly love how Newt's supporters conveniently forget his past, his manifest ethical lapses, being booted as Speaker (which means he had to be just egregiously awful). I just had breakfast, so want to be very careful imagining wife #3 having an affair with Newt. Maybe it was praying when she was on her knees and that is how he came to convert to Catholicism? (BLECH!)
I may have to support candidate Vermin Supreme at this point. Sparkle ponies for all and pro tooth flossing. It is going to take LOTS of wine to get through this year!
Austinite said…
Oh, math, so tricky. Romney's effective tax rate for 2011 is 15.3%, far below your 50% number. http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/24/us-usa-campaign-romney-taxes-idUSTRE80N06U20120124 An effective tax rate is not determined by adding the the two different rates; you must add the total income (via earned income and investment income) and then determine the total tax (35% for income, 15% for investment). So, simply, if Romeny made $1,000,000 in earned income, he'd pay $350,000 in tax. Let's say he made 10,000,000 in investment income. He'd pay 1,500,000 in tax. So, total income: 11,000,000. Total tax: 1,850,000. Effecive tax rate: 16.8%. That's even higher than he actually paid. Most of Romney's money comes from investment income, which is why his rate is so much lower. He does not pay a 50% tax. Jeez.

I don't care how much $$ either of them make. More power to them. But captial gains (which you have to do nothing to earn, other than have lots of money) should be taxed at the same rate as income. This is where being rich is valued more than working, and I think that's wrong.

Second, Newt pretty clearly said blacks should demand paychecks instead of food stamps. I think that's true for all people, but Newt chose to target blacks. Not cool. And considered racist by some.

Finally, Newt likes to defend the sanctity of marriage (HAH!) against gays. Gay marriage, according to Newt, is paganism. So, you might see why he could be viewed as homophobic.
Renee said…
Love how something non-political, turned political! lol Anyway, great article and I agree, Newt is a douche!
Nicole said…
I guess we are discarding the rape, sexual assault and sexual harassment charges against Bubba? Really, how quickly we all forget, add liar and staying with the wife to advance both careers oh and some real-estate scandal and you have today’s typical politician regardless of party line. I don't really see any differences they both make my skin crawl. I am about as far right as you get with some libertarian tendencies and I can't stomach Newt at all, however the left's holier than thou approach to him makes me pretty sick are we forgetting Edwards and what he did to his also sick wife? Seriously there are long lists on both sides. The real questions are: What has happened to society that any of these people would make it as far as they have? And, Why do we allow it? Thank you Jen for the laugh! I hope he isn't our candidate either not sure what I do at that point!
Bee's hive said…
Jeeeez tea party and liberal women..you say bitches like it's a BAD thing! Get over it and come on over to the bitchy side of life, where we call 'em like we see 'em. All the candidates are tools.
Abby said…
This just made my day. I grew up watching the old versions of the Dukes of Hazzard.

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