Newt Gingrich AKA "King of the Douche Canoes"
And let's not forget he endorsed the "Marriage Vow," but just stopped short of signing it. For this bold move, I've actually seen a group of evangelical pastors from Iowa compare him to Don Draper. No one would ever get that fat sack confused with the suave Don Draper.
|If anything he LOOKS more like a Mitt than a Newt.|
Yes, they're both womanizing assholes, but at least Don looks great being a womanizing asshole. Plus, he's a fictional character.
Newt is a real live racist, homophobic, xenophobic, hypocritical, lying, philandering, egotistical, condescending, blowhard, bully.
I'm actually hoping he gets the Republican nomination, because there's nothing I would enjoy more than watching his supporters try to spin his crazy ass ideas and behaviors such as:
Capital gains should not be taxed - I'm horrified by how little Mitt Romney paid in taxes! Oh wait, I think he paid too much.
I'm just a small business owner - with a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany, they give those to all small business owners, right?
I believe in family values - and so do my two ex-wives, one of which I asked for an open marriage when she was diagnosed with a debilitating disease!
I want to colonize the moon - I'm a big thinker! (Actually, that one sounds fucking awesome. I can't wait to colonize the moon!)
I'm not going to punch Newt at all about his politics and what I think of them (I think it's clear I'm not a fan). Instead, I'm going to focus on the unbelievable fact that this beady eyed hobgoblin was able to woo at least three women into his lumpy, crumb-filled bed (you know Newt is the type to eat chips in bed) and managed to get all three of them to marry him at some point.
|Hey baby, you wanna get with this hobgoblin?|
Are you kidding me? Have you seen this guy? Even in a suit he looks rumpled, doughy, sweaty and a little smelly (I'm thinking a combo of mothballs and B.O.). Can you imagine him naked?? Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about it. I can just imagine his big meaty hands coming at me and his mush mouth flapping like a dying fish trying to kiss me...
Wait! What am I saying?! Newt would never make the move on me. Just like his first wife, he would not think I'm pretty enough to be the First Lady of the United States of America.
How in the hell did this guy get three women in his bed?? How did he manage to juggle two at a time??
What kind of moves can a guy called "Newt" actually have? I can't even begin to imagine. Between his whiny voice and his dick attitude, I can't imagine that too many women would actually be attracted to him.
Let's face it, we know what's attracting these women to Newt and it ain't his purty smile. It's power and money for these gals - well, except for the first one. His math teacher. I have no idea what that was about except maybe she was a creepy cat lady and Newt was failing math and he saw an opportunity and took it. He's been described over and over as an "opportunist." So that makes sense. Plus, it's the only scenario I can come up with.
By the time he met the other two, he was wielding some power and those two were obviously attracted to his power - I refuse to believe it was his good looks and winning personality. Either that or he has an enormous....stimulus package (blech, I just threw up again).
What the fuck is wrong with women who are attracted to assholes with money and power? You can't tell me that if Newt was a middle manager making $70,000 at Avery, any of these women would have lined up at the door of his modest ranch house just so they could get free labels.
Why are money and power such strong aphrodisiacs for women? And why do the women attracted to rich and powerful men always assume it will be different for them especially if they were once the mistress? Maybe that should be one of my rules for daughters: Never be the mistress.
Better watch your back, Callista. You might look the part of First Lady with your plastic Barbie body and platinum helmet hair, but you're getting some miles on you. Think of what a dick Newt is now with his giant ego (even with that ridiculous bobble head) and he doesn't even have the nomination - what if he gets the nomination AND becomes President (God forbid)? This is a man who thinks he's going to colonize the moon - in the next 8 years. He dreams big. Probably super model big. He might take a page from Nikolas Sarkozy's playbook and try to find his own Carla Bruni.
Remember, Callista, he didn't sign the "Marriage Vow," he only "endorsed" it. Do you really think he won't at least think about trading up? He has so much "passion" for this country and the American people might just demand a younger, hotter First Lady. If that was the case he'd have no choice, he'd have to listen to the people.
Before you attack me because you think I don't like Newt because he's a conservative, I want to be clear. I want to punch Newt in the throat because he's a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, hypocritical, lying, philandering, egotistical, condescending, blowhard, bully and an asshole. I could care less which party he's with. He's just a dick and I'm surprised more people aren't saying it so I thought I'd start.