Don't Take a Holiday From Tough Conversations With Your Kids

I have a large extended family and so when we get together for the holidays we do it potluck style so one person isn't responsible for all the food. The hostess has to clean her house (if she wants, we don't insist) and make sure we have enough seating. She decides on the menu and sends out the sign up list to the rest of us and we pick what we want to bring. It really helps with the stress of having to plan a huge dinner for a lot of people and it gets everyone involved. I don't know when we started doing this, but I vote we never stop.

This year I signed up to bring dessert, but I had no idea what to make. So, I went on my Facebook page and asked for some dessert suggestions. I got the usual suggestions of peppermint brownies and gingerbread cookies, but I noticed that mixed in there I had a lot of people suggesting I skip the dessert and just bring booze. I know that many of my friends were joking, but it got me thinking. This is the time of year when it seems like everyone talks slash jokes about needing a drink to get through the season. Moms need the big bottle of wine to wrap presents, dads need a six-pack to hang Christmas lights, and everyone needs something a lot harder to deal with the in-laws. (I get it. I do. I wrote a whole book about the holidays for goodness sake!) 

Many of the people imbibing over the holidays are doing it responsibly. They're watching their alcohol intake, eating first, and always getting a ride home from a sober driver. But we've all got that one relative who can't seem to get his or her shit together. That one relative who is a boozehound and makes an ass of themselves at every family event. The drunk uncle who wants to talk politics with everyone on the opposite side of the aisle or the drunk aunt who can't stop weeping into her drink. Family get-togethers are tough enough without that kind of nonsense to deal with! And now that my kids are 11 and 13 that sort of behavior doesn't go unnoticed. At. All. And because I'm that parent, I get alllllll the questions. (Seriously, why don't they ever ask the Hubs the hard questions???) “Hey Mom, why was Uncle Bill yelling at everyone to shut up? Hey Mom, why was Aunt Frieda fighting with Aunt Karen over money she borrowed in 1987?”

Instead of ignoring or deflecting their questions, I use the opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with my kids about responsible drinking and making good choices. We talk about why Uncle Bill and Aunt Frieda feel the need to drink so much and why they tend to drink more when they get into stressful situations. We talk about positive and healthy ways to deal with the stress that the holiday season brings. Now that I'm on my third holiday season partnering with Responsiblity.org, I am armed with all kinds of useful info. As a blogger for their Ask, Listen, Learn program, I feel confident that I can guide my kids through these tough conversations. Here are just a few of the tips I use during the holiday season to help keep my stress levels low and my drinking at a responsible limit:

1. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Yes, I'm the mom, but it shouldn't all fall to me. The Hubs can wrap gifts or bake a pie. Sure, it won't be pretty, but he'll get the job done.
2. Limit your time with stressful family members. If you know that your spouse's Cousin Hilda pushes your buttons, come up with a safe word so your spouse knows it's time to go. Might I suggest: “Tinsel Tits.” As in, “Hey, Tinsel Tits, this has been great, but we have that other thing we need to get to...So...Yeah...I'll be in the car.”
3. Stay in your lane. Don't worry about what the neighbors are doing. Worry about you and your family. If you don't want to put up a big light display, you don't have to. If you do want to put up a big light display, then you do you. You know your comfort level. Stick to it.
4. And in the immortal words of Elsa, “Let it gooooooo.” Seriously. Every day does not need to be magical and memorable and special and glitter-covered. Just spend time with the ones you love and the ones you want to be with.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

This post was sponsored by Responsiblity.org. I am an Ask Listen Learn blogger. They pay me to write, but I say what I want. Check out their site for more helpful tips for talking to kids about responsible drinking.

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You Are the Number One Influence on Your Kid

Since July I've been dealing with some pesky eye stuff. I've been in and out of the eye doctor's office and every couple of hours I am putting drops in my eyes. These drops leave me feeling kind of yucky and my vision gets blurry and I can't see very well. Because of this, I've not been on the computer or my phone as much as I usually am. My work is suffering, but my relationship with my kids is actually improving.

No, this isn't a post about put down your phone you're a bad mom. This is a post about figuring out the best ways to connect with your kids.

Normally my kids are good communicators. In between begging for food and money, they tell me a little bit about their days, but I don't get all the good details that I want. Normally when I realize that my kids haven't shared much with me in a while, I pack them into the car and go for a ride. There's something about driving along a stretch of road that really gets them jabbering. With my eyes dilated to the size of dinner plates, I can't exactly go for a drive these days. So instead, I've been hanging out in my darkened bedroom with a cool towel over my eyes like some sort of Victorian lady with the vapors. It doesn't take long for my kids to find me. There is something magic about sitting together without making eye contact that makes kids open up.

Years ago I learned a sales technique where you stay silent and let the other person talk. People hate silence and naturally want to fill it. In sales, they tend to fill that silence with information that should not have been shared and is helpful to your deal. This technique works wonders on kids, because in addition to spilling the beans, I find that my kids come to their own conclusions based on conversations we've already had. It's like they remember the lessons I've been teaching them for the last 10 years. Hallelujah!

Over the weekend I was resting on my son's bed while he was supposed to be cleaning out his closet. I wanted him to try on his clothes and see what will still fit him this winter. (I can't read my phone, but I can see if his pants are too short.) Out of nowhere he said, “Kids in my grade are drinking.”

I played it super cool. “Seventh graders are drinking?” I said. “Friends of yours?”

He shook his head. “No.”

“How do you know?” I asked. “Could be a rumor.”

“They told me,” he said. “And guess what, Mom? Their parents don't even care.”

“Hmm,”I said.

“What would you do if you caught me drinking?” he asked.

I stayed silent, not even daring to peek at him from beneath my washcloth.

“You would care,” he said.

I stayed silent.

“We've talked about this a lot,” he said.

I stayed silent.

“You've given me lots of reasons why I shouldn't drink until I'm old enough,” he said.

I stayed silent.

“It's just that I can't believe they'd do that. I can't believe their parents don't care. Don't they realize how bad that is for kids? They're supposed to be parents!”

I stayed silent.

“Yeah, so, that's happening,” he said. “But don't worry. I'm not going to do that.”

Finally I spoke. “Gomer, this is just the beginning. You're in seventh grade and I can remember when my classmates started experimenting with all kinds of things in seventh grade. Some of them will try and get you to try things too. And you're right, some of the parents don't care. Some parents would offer to buy us beer when I was in high school. But that that doesn't matter. You have to remember who you are and what kind of person you want to be. You have to remember what your goals are for the future and how underage drinking or doing other dangerous things could ruin that future. I don't know what exactly Dad and I would do if we caught you drinking. You shouldn't worry about the punishment. The punishment isn't what keeps you from doing something wrong. It's your own self-respect. Always remember that.”

He went back in his closet and left me alone in his room to over-analyze our conversation. Why did he tell me that stuff? What was I supposed to do with that information? Did he get the message I was sending? My mother once told me that she was surprised how much my kids tell me. She was raised in a house where if you talked about things like underage drinking, then you must be doing it, so she never talked about it with her parents. When she raised me and my brother she tried to do better, but there was still a lot of “we don't talk about that kind of stuff.” I don't want to raise my kids like that. I want to be their main source of information--nothing is off limits. I'm not naive enough to think that they're never going to make poor decisions, but I do hope that they'll always feel comfortable talking to me about anything that's going on in their lives. I hope that they trust me and come to me for advice. All I can do is keep talking to them and listening to them. When they stop talking to me that's when I'll know something is up. 

What about you? How do you get your kids to talk to you?

This post was sponsored by Responsiblity.org and I am part of the #Asklistenlearn blogger program. All views and opinions are my own. Thanks to Reponsibility.org for always encouraging me to find ways to talk to my kids about this important topic.

#AskListenLearn and Trust Your Kid

Source: Responsibility.org

Gomer is going into seventh grade in a couple weeks. Seventh. Grade. When did my sweet, cuddly, mild-mannered preschooler get replaced with a perpetually bored, eye-rolling, snarky man-boy?

Last year was his first year of middle school and we talked with him a lot about how that was his year to mess up and figure stuff out on his own. Of course, we'd be there for him if he had something major going on, but he could no longer count on Mommy and Daddy to bring forgotten homework to the school or talk to a teacher about a grade he didn't agree with. We weren't going to pester him about homework or tests. If he wanted us to help him, we would, but we weren't going to micromanage him the way we did in elementary school. It was time for the baby bird to stand up a little bit on his own.

This Year I Resolve to Be More Responsible

You might remember that last year I had a partnership with Responsibility.org as one of their #TalkEarly bloggers. It was an awesome fit for me and you. The topics I covered got a lot of conversations started and I was so pleased to hear from so many of you. I was very excited and pleased to be asked back again this year! Yay!

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, Responsiblity.org is the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility. Don't worry, they're not the Booze Police. They're not going to tell you to put down your glass or wine or cancel Happy Hour. They just want to make sure that you're drinking responsibly. And the #TalkEarly program is designed to help parents talk to their kids about responsible consumption. I think that's something that we all want to do. Right?

Do You Let Your Kids Sip Alcohol?

“What does it taste like?” Gomer, my ten-year-old, asked me.

“What does what taste like?” I asked.

“Your beer.”

We were having dinner and though I don't normally have a beer with my dinner, that night it just sounded like a refreshing beverage. I looked at the bottle in my hand and shrugged my shoulders. “I don't know,” I said. Because I really didn't. How do you describe the taste of alcohol to your child? They only flavors he knows and understand are water, milk, juice, and soda. Beer doesn't taste anything like any of those beverages. How could I explain to him what beer tasted like?

“It tastes gross,” the Hubs said. The Hubs is not a drinker and does not mince words when it comes to his disdain for beer.

I disagreed. “It doesn't taste gross.”

“So it tastes good?” Gomer asked.

I thought about his question. Does it taste good? Again, how do you explain to a child if beer tastes good? Should I tell him it tastes good? Will that make him want to try it for himself? Should I tell him it tastes bad? Would that keep him from experimenting with underage drinking or will it make it sound taboo and then drive him right to it? Man! Parenting is hard!

“I think it tastes good now. When I first started drinking, I didn't like beer. It took me a long time to like beer and I had to taste a lot of different beers before I found one I liked,” I explained.

“Why did it take so long?”

“Because it was sort of an acquired taste,” I told him. “It's something that grown ups like, but kids probably wouldn't.”

“Can I have a sip?” Gomer asked.

“Maybe you should let him try it, Jen,” the Hubs said.

“Are you crazy?” I asked.