World's Worst Auntie

Just when you think your Aunt Marge isn't the nicest aunt in the world, you should thank your lucky stars that you don't have Aunt Jen. No. I'm not talking about me. I'm a GREAT aunt! (Right, nieces and nephews??? Right???? You'd better say the right answer or you'll hear from my lawyer!)

I'm talking about Jennifer Connell, the worst aunt in the world.

So, Auntie Jen went to her 8-year-old nephew's birthday party a few years ago. He was very excited to see Jen, probably because Jen sneaks him candy or something. Anyway, the nephew was excited to see Auntie Jen, so he ran and threw himself at her. Sure, it wasn't a cool thing to do, but kids do dumb things. They're kids. Now Jen's obviously kind of a wuss, because when 50 pounds of kid hit her full on, she fell over and broke her wrist.

No doubt this sucked. But Jen's a trooper and she didn't want to ruin her nephew's day by complaining about a hurting wrist. That would be an asshole move. That's not her style, people. She was going to buck it up and take the pain so that several years later she could SUE his little ass for breaking her brittle bones.

Wait. What???

That's right, Auntie Jen is suing her over-excited nephew. Not only did she wait several years to sue him, she also waited until his mother DIED! That's right. Her nephew lost his mom last year and now his aunt is suing him for $127,000 for breaking her wrist when he was eight!! I can't even. No. Seriously. I can't. I rarely use the c-word on this blog, but I'm getting really close to calling her a c.... a cu.... WTF, lady??

Now, now, I'm getting riled up. Let's put down our pitchfork and really look at this case from Aunt Jen's point of view. Let's figure out why Jen is so miserable that she thought suing her young nephew would make her feel better:

1. Jen's Job Sucks. Jen probably isn't a happy person because she has a terrible job. She's a Human Resources Manager. NO ONE likes Human Resources Managers. There are are only a few jobs more reviled than HR Manager. My friend Julianna at Rants from Mommyland suggested a few: Mens' Rights Activist, Reality Star/Family Values Advocate, and Mommy Blogger. If you see Jen in the hallway at work, you turn and flee the other way. When she offers to hold the elevator for you, you tell her you'll take the stairs to the thirtieth floor. When she invites you to lunch, you're suddenly busy for the next five years. Basically, everyone at work hates Jen.

2. Jen is Childless. Of course she got her wrist broken when a kid jumped on her. She doesn't know what we parents know: when you see 50 pounds of child hurtling at you, you brace that back leg, bend at the knees, rotate your shoulders, and yell, "Slow down, buddy!" while preparing to take a hit. That's what good parents do. Bad parents just dodge out of the way and let the kid keep going until he runs into something stationary.

3. Jen Lives in a Walk Up and Her Life Sucks. The article tells us that Jen lives in a third-floor walk up in Manhattan and life is now difficult for her. Yeah, both of these worthless facts were strung together in one sentence for readers to digest. Is the article implying that it's difficult for her to walk up to the third floor with this several-years-old injury or her life sucks because she doesn't have an elevator in her building? All I know is Jen is doing stairs wrong. Jen, I think maybe you hit your head and forgot how to walk on stairs. You're supposed to walk up stairs with your feet, not your hands, dummy. There shouldn't be a problem with getting up three flights of stairs. He broke your wrist, not your hip.

4. Jen's Social Life is Lacking and It Isn't Because of Her Shitty Job or the Dump She Lives In. Jen's social life is taking a serious hit because she is having trouble holding hors d'oeuvres at parties. WTF, Jen? Come on!! I was really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you were a douchebag because of your life choices and then you bitched about your weak-ass wrist and canapes. Are you for real? Was this lawsuit some kind of a performance art satire piece about the stupidity and frivolity or lawsuits in this day and age? This is your whole case? What did you tell your lawyer?

"It's been a horrible few years trying to walk up to my apartment with my severely injured wrist, but then I went to Buffy Middleton-Brackson-Hylter's White Party on Fire Island last month and it was im-pah-sible to hold my plate of hors d'oeuvres! That's when I knew something had to be done. I love my nephew, but honestly, do you know how much a mini zucchini and goat cheese tart weighs? I fear for the Christmas season. Literally fearing it. A sausage potato puff could easily re-break my wrist."

And then he said, "I think we can win this."

It's unbelievable what you can sue someone for. Can I sue Jen for raising my blood pressure? I'm getting older now and it's not a good thing to have this kind of skyrocketing heart rate every time I read about assholes like Jen.

Can you imagine Thanksgiving this year at Jen's house? "Auntie Jen, please pass the potatoes and drop your lawsuit against me."

"I love you and think you're such a sweet boy, but I need to teach you a valuable lesson. Also, I wish to God I could pass the potatoes, but thanks to you, I can't."

My faith in humanity was restored this morning when I read that the jury on this case came back after 20 minutes of deliberation to rule against Jen. I'm sure they used some smart-sounding legalese, but I'm positive the "go fuck yourself, Jen" was implied.

Guess what? Did you hear the news? I have a brand-new full-length book out! You're going to need this one to help you get through the holidays. Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat is now available EVERYWHERE, so grab a copy.


Charlotte said...

I was SO hoping that you would write about this CUNT. She is a disgusting human being, a complete troll. There are just not enough words. I wish the judges that see these kind of bullshit lawsuits would just throw them out right away and tell the person to do fuck themselves right there on the spot. UGH! Thanks for not disappointing!

Unknown said...

According to this it was a formality in order to even try to get insurance to cover her healthcare costs.

Annice said...

Wow. Talk about writing before you get the facts. Unknown appears to be right and Charlotte is just simply out of line. Really sad that funny has turned so mean here.

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