So...Nutscaping is Happening Now


If you follow my personal page on Facebook, then you know that, apparently, I am "The Genitals Whisperer." I'm not sure how it started. Probably because I wrote about vaginas and then again about vaginas and then once more about vaginas. Just because I have a slight fascination with unusual undercarriage undertakings, suddenly I'm the go-to lady whenever you see something bizarre or disgusting about privates. Like this week, SEVERAL PEOPLE (not just one person who saw this and thought, "You know who would love this? Jen!") sent me a link to edible anuses. Yeah, you lay down, throw your legs over your head, and let a professional asshole molder do what they do best. Then that mold is used to shape chocolates into your own signature asshole shape that you can give to either a loved one or your worst enemy, depending upon the kind of person you are. Several questions arose like, What if I have hemorrhoids? What if I like nuts in my chocolate? Where does one apply for the asshole molding job? Why would someone ruin chocolate like that? I DON'T KNOW. WHY WOULD YOU THINK I KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF???


Then, just when I thought I'd used enough bleach in my eyes to unsee chocolate assholes, I received this (WARNING. DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK IF YOU ARE SOMEPLACE YOU COULD BE FIRED, IF SMALL CHILDREN ARE LURKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER, OR IF YOUR MOM IS NEARBY. THIS SHIT IS SERIOUSLY NSFW) link.

If you're someplace you can't click the link, let me describe to you what you will see: It's a photograph of a beautiful lake at sunset. The sun is low in the sky, setting over the shimmering water, tall grasses are bending gently in the breeze, but there's something in the upper quarter of the photo. It's sort of blocking out part of the sun. What is that? You take a closer look and you see a misshapen lump with some sort of fibrous material dangling from the lump ... what are those? Are those what I think they are? You think, that can't be what I think it is! So you scroll down further and find an even sadder sack hanging out over some lovely rocks. Then you go down further and this time it's clearly some dude's ball sack on a mountain top with his pubes blowing freely in the wind.

Yeah. This is happening.

Dudes are taking going to beautiful settings, turning their back on the setting, dropping trou, bending over and taking pictures of the beautiful setting with their nuts hanging out in the frame. No, they're not calling them Ballies -- yet. They're calling it Nutscaping.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I don't know! I don't have balls or the desire to put them out there to enjoy nature. It's like a dog peeing on everything in its path, this is modern-day caveman shit. "I will take picture of balls on this mountain and post on Instagram and now I own mountain and Instagram! Roaaaar!"

In the past, I've written about receiving dick pics. Originally I thought they were the worst. I thought there was nothing less of a turn-on than some stranger's veiny one-eyed purple people eater glaring at me. I was wrong. Looking at those lumpy blobs with sparse curlies being backlit by a glorious setting sun was enough to ruin the nutsack for me for a while.

Great. Now I can't eat chocolate or look at balls for awhile. Thanks, Internet Friends! You're sick and twisted, but I love you too much to quit you.

Want more to read? Don't miss my NEW BOOK Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat!

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