Boost Your Libido AND Pass Out All At The Same Time


The FDA approved a new drug called Addyi -- pronounced "Addie." (Yeah, I don't know why it's spelled so stupidly, but it is.) It's being touted as the "female Viagra."

I don't know about you, but my friends and I talk a lot about how little interest we have to get it on these days. We've always got a list of about 30 other things that need to be done before we can sexy time, so a drug to help get us in the mood SOUNDED like a terrific idea. That's right, ladies, this little pink pill could revolutionize your pathetic prowess in the bedroom!

But before you start gobbling these pills like Tic Tacs, let's take a closer look at the harmful side effects:

Dizziness
Drowsiness
Low Blood Pressure
Fainting
Nausea

AND these side effects can be magnified if this drug is taken with alcohol, but they're not sure HOW MUCH they can be magnified, because the only testing of this drug done with alcohol was done on 25 people, 23 of which were MEN! WTF FDA?? Don't even get me started on this! We can't even get our own drug trials? Men have to try out our sex pills too? Let's test birth control on them too and see how effective it is. ARGH!!!!

So, let me get this straight. I want to have sex with the Hubs, but I'm not really feeling it. So I pop an Addyi and hope it doesn't interfere with the glass of wine I had with dinner and then I hope that while I'm climaxing I don't pass out from low blood pressure or puke from the nausea? (I'm usually too sleepy to want sex already, so the drowsiness thing won't be anything new to deal with.)

I get that men want sex enough that they will risk taking a pill that could cause rectal bleeding (Yeah, I said RECTAL BLEEDING. Check out the full list of side effects here.) or a four-hour erection that sends them to the ER where a giant-ass needle must be thrust into their dick to drain it. But that's because men are fucking horn dogs.

I don't think women are made that way.

Sure, we'll shoot botulism into our faces to paralyze our wrinkles, we'll take diet pills that make us shart all day long, we'll stick our boobs into painful wire contraptions to make them stand up and look perky, we'll suffer quietly with the equivalent of dental floss up our asses to combat VPL, and we'll pour hot wax on our nether regions and rip our pubic hairs out by their roots and puff up our labias with who knows what, but possibly faint during sex? Notgundoit.

You must be crazy. I have a new book waiting to be read tonight and the hell I'm going to risk a bout of vertigo for four and a half minutes of pleasure.

I guess I'm glad that we women finally get our own little sex pill, since the fellas have like ten of them by now. However, I highly doubt a woman came up with this pill. My guess is it was some dude whose wife was like, "Not tonight, honey" every night for three nights in a row and he was like, "Oh shit! This dry spell could turn into a drought. I need to fix this ASAP! I know I was researching the cure for colon cancer, but this will help so many more men ... I mean women."

I just think that if women researchers were coming up with ways to get women in the mood to have more sex they'd invent pills to give the men in our lives that make them wash dishes and fold laundry and bring us tea in bed and whisper sweet nothings in our ears like "I love how sexy those ten extra pounds around your middle look, baby."

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1 comment:

Oona Johnson said...

I'll be sure to tell my hubs that Viagra sample the doctor gave him can cause rectal bleeding. Ugh. So gross!

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