People I Want to Punch in the Throat: The C-String

FB

The C-String

Underwear or cuff bracelet? You decide.

Today when I was getting dressed, I was complaining about how hot I was. It's 90 degrees today and I just can't cool off. It doesn't matter what I wear, I just can't stay cool.

I was walking through a parking lot with the hot sun beating down on me and all I could think was, Man, I'm sooooo hot. I wish there was something I could do to make me cooler. I was wearing a skirt and I gave it a little flip so I could get a breeze up in there and then I realized what was making me so hot.

It was my stupid underwear!

I'm so stupid. All summer long I wear these ridiculous full coverage undies and I sweat my butt off (literally) when really I should be wearing a c-string!  The c-string would fix all of my troubles!

Wait. You don't know what a c-string is? It's this amazing, wonderful, magical product. I don't know that it's actually magic, I'm just assuming it is, because otherwise I don't understand how it stays put.

It's not just for the granny panty set like myself. It's also for the thong thong thong girls. I mean, who wants all of that material on the sides of your thong when you can just pop this sucker over your hooha and up your butt? I imagine it's like a lacy feminine napkin that clings to your nether regions by a flexible wire and a prayer.

I can't imagine how anything could go wrong with this little number! I can't imagine you'd ever stop clenching your ass cheeks long enough that it would accidentally fall out from under your skirt as you walk across the stage at graduation. I can't imagine that you'd ever sit down quickly and not have everything in the exact place it needs to be and the wire in the back goes exploring your back door. I'm sure that these things NEVER happen with this revolutionary piece of underwear technology.

Even if things might get dicey with a c-string, I was so hot, I was willing to take a chance. I'll try anything to cool down! I was just about to order seven of these (and get them embroidered on the front with the days of the week) when a review caught my eye. It was titled "This is awesome except for the vagina sweat puddle."

Well, shit. I was only buying this contraption to prevent a vagina sweat puddle!

You know what? I'll still order one and try it out. If I get a sweaty vagina, I can always use it as a super cute headband.

Find me on Facebook, Twitter or Subscribe via E-mail.

Want to read more? Check out my BOOKS!

Pssst .... I got a c-string and it looks fabulous and fits like a glove! Check it out here. (Don't worry, the pic is COMPLETELY safe for work. Pervs.)

38 comments:

Rebecca Jo said...

This actually exists? Why haven't I seen it on Shark Tank????

Tanya said...

No. Just no.

alanaransley said...

Unfortunately, it only comes in small and medium, so larger girls like me won't get to experience the freedom that comes with wearing one...

Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 said...

I would seriously pay for you to wear that for a day and blog about it. Do a Kickstarter! I bet I'm not alone! (Also, LACE?? That's not helping anyone.)

Vidya Sury said...

Seriously? I am involuntarily clenching my "back door" shut as I read this. I resist!

:) I laughed when I saw the title of your book in the email newsletter I just received from NetGalley. Gosh I hope they approve my request.

SO glad to "meet" you Jen!

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Haha! You would be the only one willing to pay to hear about that disaster of a day.

Jen Piwtpitt said...

Fingers crossed they approve you!

Did I Just Say That Out Loud? said...

Agreed.

Carrie - ASassyRedhead.com said...

Sweet Lord. Are you kidding? That thing is for real?

Sorry. My vajay jay needs and wants and begs for more coverage.

But a headband? HELLZ YEAH, SISTER!!

GJT said...

Gack. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

Michael Richardson said...

Do they make a crotchless version?

smithmiki03 said...

The thong always seemed so conservative. This seems way better.

JennB said...

Could always market it as a butt toning device...we all know that any product that will says it will give you results without you having to do much = $$

Evie's Mommy said...

Eww!!! They make a men's version as well. Maybe I'll get my hubs one for his birthday!

wtfelsewhere said...

Sooo.... it appears to hug up around the front of your pubic bone and THEN, you're supposed to tuck that back part between your butt-cheeks!?? Funny how I was thinking each and every possible calamity that you listed before I even read further. Who approves this shit!?? I am SO sharing this... LOL

Baby Sideburns said...

It's like a slap bracelet for your vagina!!

rjrmommy said...

I don't understand...

Tabitha said...

Best Comment EVER!!

Jon Harruff said...

Now that's funny!

Jon Harruff said...

I'd pay to hear about the accompanying atrocities that came with wearing that.

Jon Harruff said...

Mens version? Now that is seriously wrong! Now I think I'm suffering from involuntary clenching.

Cassie said...

What do you do with it when you have to go to the bathroom? Hold in in your hand?

Jennie Daniels said...

There is a contraption for dudes that has a string around the waist and a cloth pouch for the twig and berries.

That's What Ron Said said...

They have men's ones....with fur. Can you hear the bafflement in my voice here. Wonder if it comes with boots.....

notenoughwine.com said...

Wha? Why not just go commando? I still don't understand thongs.

Lizzi R said...

*snorks* Good GRIEF!

Kristen Mae said...

I feel like it would get stuck *in* my vagina. I can't be the only one with this concern.

Angie said...

Cannot stop laughing!!

Kat said...

Oh wow, I had to go check that out to see if that was even a real item- To my extra surprise they have them for men too!!! I guess you should get one for hubby too-

Shandee Votaw said...

So instead of butt floss, we have what? Butt chopsticks??
And it is just me, or does this remind anyone of a re-purposed thigh master?

taradon said...

I'd donate to the fund to buy one and blog about it. ;)

Zacary Benjamin said...

Okay seriously?... Freedom? Are you retarded? How does having two less strings give you so much more freedom? That's fucking stupid haha. Just don't wear underwear oh my god that's more freedom then a c string

Jennie Daniels said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennie Daniels said...

Zacary Benjamin, sarcasm...learn it.

Faith G said...

That was awesome!

figment52176 said...

You know how an underwire bra is great until one day, when you least expect it, you're being jabbed in the armpit?

Um, yeah. No way I'd wear these undies.

Stephanie Clinton said...

Could that double as a headband when your butt cheeks get tired of holding it in place?

Naeco DeVoir said...

I'm worried about where the business end of that might end up. C-String Sodomy. Sounds like a new heavy metal band.