This week, I received a special package from China. Finally! I tore open the padded envelope (yes, it was padded as if this piece of scratchy lace attached to a wire hanger might get damaged or something) and found a teeny tiny twat topper. That's really the only way to describe this thing.
I was promised that the device was a "one size fits all," but upon closer inspection (but without an actual test drive) I could tell immediately that this thing was never going to cover my lady area. Lucky for me, I had a back up plan. I had sort of suspected that this would be the case, so I had really planned to wear it as a headband. At four bucks and free shipping, it's now one of the cheapest headbands I own.
I didn't want to try it on my head at that moment, because I was having a bad hair day. Yes, I will put underwear on my head, but I must have good hair at least. I threw the c-string on the counter and was immediately distracted by something shiny.
I didn't think about the c-string again until yesterday when Adolpha came to visit me in my office. I was busy working and I heard her come in, but I didn't look up at her right away.
"Mom, this new headband you got me is weird," she said.
"Huh?" I looked up and saw my precious snowflake standing there with my new c-string on her head. Thank goodness I didn't give it a test run!
"It won't stay behind my ears," she complained, fidgeting with the wires.
I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't in the mood to tell her that she had panties on her head, because I didn't feel like demonstrating how the c-string would work if I were smaller.
"Adolpha, please take off that headband. It's mine," I said. It was easier to lie.
"You don't even wear headbands," she complained.
"Please take it off and put it in my room."
She stomped upstairs and I thought that was the end of it. Until my mom came by.
My cousin is getting married this weekend and my mom was there to see Adolpha's dress. "Adolpha, go and put on your dress for Cassie's wedding," I said.
Adolpha returned wearing the dress and the c-string on her head. "I want to wear this headband to Cassie's wedding. It matches my dress perfectly," Adolpha announced.
I could only imagine the look on my grandmother's face when Adolpha shows up at my cousin's wedding wearing a c-string on her head. Actually, my grandmother probably would want one too and then what would I do? I couldn't lie anymore.
"Adolpha, it's underwear. You're wearing underwear on your head. Now take it off so I can take a picture of me wearing it. My hair finally looks good today."
People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges will be available September 9. Reserve your copy now.