Designer Vaginas are a Thing Now
I don't know about you ladies, but as I get older I'm finding that a lot of things are .... changing.
My laugh lines aren't disappearing when I'm done laughing, my middle is getting softer, I'm taking more and more trips to the hairdresser to keep the gray hairs under control, and my libido isn't what it used to be.
None of these bother me (and the Hubs) as much as my waning sex drive. I've been looking everywhere for a solution and I've yet to find one. Until today.
Today a little birdy told me that what I need is a vagina makeover. I'm in my forties now and even though I'm at my sexiest age, my hooha is not. It used to be that some good grooming and a rhinestone or two could make the little lady sparkle. Nowadays, fifty rhinestones wouldn't make a difference. My honeypot is tired. It's wrinkled and dehydrated. As if I didn't have anything else to worry about when I'm having sex (Are the lights low enough? Is this my good side? Did I just fart?), now I have to worry about my deflated vagina too.
Put those worries away, ladies, because now you too can get the Labia Puff Procedure. This is just a small surgery where they can use fillers to put the spring back into the step of your lady lips. You can restore elasticity and tone again, because I don't know about you, but my chicken wing arms are NOTHING compared to the sad, saggy mess I have going on downstairs.
Maybe you need more. For instance, let's say you're feeling a little drafty during sex. Like your lady garden has become more of a lady cave, then there's a procedure for that too. Doctors can just go ahead and rebuild you and give you a vagina the Six Million Dollar Man would have received if he'd been a woman. "We can make her tighter, softer, deeper, better."
Oh for fuck's sake. I just can't. I'm so done.
I can't put on lash extensions, immobilize my forehead, chisel my cheekbones, plump up my lips, suck the fat from chin, enlarge my boobs, lift my ass, flatten my stomach, AND puff my beef curtains.
I draw the line there.
Besides, I just ordered a c-string and I can't take any chances that it won't fit my beefed up baby cannon. However, I'm a giver. When they suck the fat from my chin I would like to donate it to a woman with a wilted kitty.
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