That's right, people. I am the hottest age evah. Suck it, forty-year-olds.
It's so strange, because if you would have asked me when my hottest age was I would have said ... well ... hmmm ... hold on, let me think about this one for a minute. OK, I think I was kind of cute when I was 23 when I posed for probably the best picture I've ever taken. It was awesome. I kept that driver's license even after it expired because who knew when I'd look that good again? Or when I was 16 and I thought I was fat, but man, I'd kill for that body again. Shoot, this is a tough question. Oh I know!! I looked really good on my wedding day. I mean, really good. For a thirty-year-old. I had my hair professionally tamed and my make up covered my crow's feet and champagne is totally my color.
Apparently, all of those times were nothing compared to how I look today. Today I am a fierce and sexy 42-year-old woman. Rawr!
The author mentioned women like Sofia Vergara and Cameron Diaz as perfect examples of sexy 42-year-old women. I am just like them! I mean, I'm sure that if you saw Sofia without her makeup and her Spanx and five-inch heels she'd look just like me. She'd be a short, fluffy, mousy, well-endowed woman pushing a cart with a wonky wheel through the aisles of Target looking for a heavy duty concealer and IcyHot patches. Twinsies!
Today, Tom's theory was totally confirmed! I took my children to the dollar movie. I pulled up in minivan and I parked next to a fancy little car. When I got out of my van, I noticed the two young men in the fancy little car eyeing me. They were watching me closely. I could feel their dirty little eyes watching how my cargo pants hugged my curves as I bent over to get my giant bag of movie treat contraband out of the passenger seat. And then I heard the young man behind the wheel say, "Watch her, dude." Now, he might have gone on to say, "If her bag scratches my car I'm going to slash the tires on her stupid swagger wagon" but I stopped listening after he encouraged his friend to not take his eyes off of me. Oh my!
Wait! There's more! Then we headed into the already dark theater and as I was going in the door, another young man was coming out. He stopped short when he was met with my dazzling 42-year-old hotness -- and the bright lights from the lobby. He had a dazed expression on his face (methinks he might have been a little in loooove) and he said, "Oh, excuse me ma'am. Did you need some help? Let me get the door for you." I flashed my wedding ring at him so he would know: Back off! I am taken, sir! Of course he continued to hold the door for the (sexy) sexagenarian behind me and called her ma'am too and the dude who was checking me out in the parking lot. OK, maybe he worked at the theater and his job was to hold the door. Doesn't matter, because I could feel him practically undressing me with his eyes! I could feel him thinking, "I wish this movie theater was empty so we could watch The Lego Movie together in the back row and share Twizzlers like Lady and the Tramp shared spaghetti."
I must say, if I had not read this Esquire article, I would have been completely unaware of all the young men out there who are now finding me too hot to handle.
Sure, there are a lot of women out there who are up in arms about Tom's article and feel like lines like "It is feminism that has made 42-year-old women desirable" are demeaning and detrimental to the feminist cause. I get why they're upset. It sort of sucks that he's saying equality makes me doable. I should probably agree with my feminist sisters and demand Tom's head on a pike. But you guys!! He said we are doable!
Let's face it, I'm a 42-year-old lady with a boy's haircut and Crocs. It's not every day that I'm called hot! (And especially in writing.) You womyn can be upset all you want, but I'm going to go ahead and let this one slide. The line forms to the left, fellas!
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Panda girl image source: DHGate.com