People I Want to Punch in the Throat: "Magic Mike" - the PIWTPITT Review

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"Magic Mike" - the PIWTPITT Review

Where's the beef?
DISCLAIMER:  I don't think there are any spoilers in here, but I can't be certain.  I think we all know what this movie is about.  I'm not going to reveal any plot twists or the ending, or anything like that.  However, if by reading this review, the mystery of "Magic Mike" is now ruined for you, I'm sorry.  Now, go get a life. 

If you are a faithful reader, you will know that my friend Sandy really wants to see "Magic Mike."  She's been talking about it for a couple of weeks now and she was trying to get a couple of us to go with her.  Our friends all declined for one reason or another.  Sandy turned to me in her hour of need.  What was I supposed to say?  What kind of friend lets another friend go and watch prosthetic penises flop around in a fringed nut sack alone?  I knew that if nothing else, there would be delightful eye candy (and I love eye candy as much as the next person) and there would be something good to write about.  I am happy to say, "Magic Mike" delivered on both of these fronts.

So let me set the scene for you:


Sandy and I decided to see the movie at our cheaper theater in town (neither one of us was willing to shell out AMC Fork & Screen money for this destined-to-be classic).  We arrived a bit early and bought tickets.  We were shown to a small theater full of heaving bosoms and giant tubs of popcorn.  We had noticed there was a later showing that would start in a half an hour, so we decided to go and seek out that theater instead.  Sure enough, it was empty and we got prime McConaughey-viewing seats.  We settled in with our small bags of popcorn and waited.  The theater filled up around us with all middle aged women.  I noticed we were under-dressed.  These women do realize the actors can't see them, right??

There was some tittering and giggling going on, but nothing too intense....yet.  Our movie was about to start and I was out of Coke.  I ran out to the concession stand to get me and Sandy a refill.  The 15ish year old boy behind the counter tried to make small talk while he filled up my drinks.

"What movie are you seeing, ma'am?" he asked.

"'Magic Mike'," I said.

"Oh God!" he exclaimed.  "Get out of here!"

"Excuse me??" I said.

"I'm kidding.  Actually, not really.  Why are you seeing that?"

"That's a dumb question," I said.

"I know.  Sorry.  But...ugh.  I thought you might be cooler than that."

Well, thank you, 15ish popcorn vendor.  I appreciate that, but I guess I'm not.

"Would it be better if I said I was here to see 'Spiderman'?"

"You're seeing 'Spiderman'?" Another 15ish boy said as he stepped into our conversation and started sweeping up spilled popcorn.

"No.  'Magic Mike'," soda boy said.

"Oh.  Eww," said sweeper boy.

"What?  You guys don't stay late and watch that one when everyone goes home?" I asked.

"No way.  Here's your drink.  Enjoy your movie," said soda boy.

Little do those boys know.  "Magic Mike" is not for women.  It's a bro-mance.  There is more male bonding going on in this movie than stripping or sex with women.

I don't know what I expected exactly, but that wasn't it.  I didn't expect a guy to literally say to another one, "Let's be best friends."  Are you fucking kidding me with that?

I didn't expect men to make promises to take care of one another - and honor those promises.

I didn't expect all of the man on man, semi-naked, well-oiled hugging that all of these dudes were doing with gusto.

I didn't expect Channing Tatum to leave so many clothes on.  I didn't pay to watch him hump a stage in baggy sweat pants.  Get that shit off and let's see your money maker!


I didn't expect Matthew McConaughey to have a comedic role.  I assume it was comedic.  If it wasn't, then he just made an ass out of himself with his ridiculous outfits, bad perm and corny dialogue.

I didn't expect so much plot.  I'm being gracious here to call what little plot "Magic Mike" had "plot."  I'm just saying that I went to watch hot men gyrate and strip.  I don't need to hear about their hopes and dreams and plans for the future.  I could give a fuck what any of them want to do.  Shut your piehole and show me some meat!

I did expect better dialogue.  I'm not sure who the screenwriter was for this movie, but many times it felt like Steven Soderbergh told Channing Tatum "You're walking on a beach with this girl and you're flirting awkwardly with one another, but you're cool about it and deep down she really digs it.  Just make up the dialogue as you go along.  And....action!"

I didn't expect the three middle aged women (dressed to the nines) behind us to come in with booze hidden in their oversized handbags.  I could smell the hootch every time they took a swig.  Besides the booze, they acted like little school girls every time they saw a marble sack.  They giggled and swooned and gasped every time these guys shook it.  I hope they had smelling salts in their bags along with their wine coolers.  A favorite dance move in "Magic Mike" was to throw a chicks legs over a dancer's shoulders and pick her up so his face was in her business.  The first time this happened, I'm pretty sure one of the women behind us orgasmed.  Or at least it sounded like it.  Sandy and I were hoping the women would get confused and start throwing money at the screen.  It would have paid for our popcorn.

I can say a few positive things about this movie.  McConaughey might have been laughable and a bit homo-erotic, but for 42 he looked damn fine in his leathah pants.  I've never been a big Channing Tatum fan, but I'm beginning to understand the hoopla.  That boy can move (just wish he would take off his sweats and stop talking so much - Chatty Cathy).

I think Sandy summed it up best.  She would like to see it again in the privacy of her own home on her big screen with a mute button and a remote to fast forward to the "good" stuff.  I would watch that version again.

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74 comments:

Kelly said...

Agree. I have seen so many pics of girls night out where they are dressed to the nines only for them to sit in a movie theater eating buttered popcorn. I wear yoga pants to the movies. Why? Because they are comfortable as shit and I don't care if I get butter on them...and also if I eat a whole tube of the popcorn my pants will expand. I love me some eye-candy, but I'm not paying to look at them. I am, however, going to pay to see the cussing Snuggle bear.

Kp said...

that's almost exactly the same thoughts my friends and I had. It would due great if they would re-release MM as a "director's cut" where they take out all of the plot and just smooth the club scenes together (in imax 3-d maybe?).

I did really get a kick out of the atmosphere of being in a theatre with a bunch of rowdy women hooting and hollering at the screen - cracked me up. (also we totally smuggled booze in)

Megan said...

That's exactly how I felt about it. There were more boobs than man parts. You know who's in this theater! Women! And if there are men here they aren't the kind that want to see boobs. I felt like they threw in the boobs and the bromance for the schmuck that got dragged in by his friendless girlfriend. I'm pretty sure thisone is going to be snubbed by Oscar for sure!

It happens at MY house said...

Seriously girl. Laughing, and I can admit, you made me spit my coffee, and I haven't even seen it yet.

Kerry said...

Perfectly summed! I was "hoping" for more plot, but was just fine with the eye candy ... though I agree there should have been much more Tatum to enjoy. I will definitely be sneaking this movie into my shopping cart when it comes out - despite the rolling of the hub's eyes!

Anonymous said...

You should have been in MY movie theater. I couldn't hear the dialouge with all the women screaming and hooting at the screen! Though i guess i didnt really go to HEAR the movie anyways. And yes...I was one of the women who had to booze it up during the movie (if not I would not have been able to tolorate all the screeching from the women acting like teens at a Beiber concert) And what was the deal with them dressing as if McConaughey or Tatum would be able to see them? Im with your friend...I will rent it and watch at home (so I can fast forward and booze openly!)

Sam @ The Junk House said...

Exactly! I can't believe the director thought we were actually going for the plot or artsy/dramatic shots! I paid my $7 to see Channing (and the other guys) take their clothes off, not all this drug nonsense.

The women in my theatre were insane! That first scene where Channing gets up and you see his backside naked, everyone lost their shit (just like when all the tweens squealed in the theatre when Jacob took his shirt off in New Moon). I felt like I was at the strip club!

melissa said...

Totally was not expecting all that plot! And totally not enough naked men! A friend told to bring daiquiris to the movie because if you were going to truely enjoy it, you need to be a bit tipsy. She was right because all the drunks loved it and me- not so much. It was funny to listen to all the other old ladies in the theater though. They were hysterical. Every time a guy walked in (hetero man, with a woman) they cheered!

Tricia Prewitt said...

I didn't want to see this movie but a friend did, so I went. The least she could have done for my sacrifice would have been to do the one thing that I asked, but she refused. She would not go up to any of the real police officers to ask if their seams were velcro like I asked her to. Not a good friend at all.

meridiansmom said...

That's the most sexist thing I've read in a long time, and it made me chuckle. :)

Amy said...

I agree with everything you said 100%! I saw the movie at midnight the night it came out with some of my other SAH mom girlfriends. We were out having a martini while the hubbies were home with the sleeping babies and we all texted home and said "I'll be home late, don't wait up!" It was a laughable decision, but since we don't get out much, I'd say it was an evening well spent. :) I loved and hated the movie for the same reasons. Eye candy - yes please! Deep conversation - you're too pretty for that...shhhhhhh! You crack me up, girl! :)

lovetoread600 said...

I say the same thing about every movie Marky Mark is in (and yes, he's Marky Mark. Don't try to pretend that he's now a serious actor). No one is here to listen to you try to say your lines. Take your shirt off and stop talking.

Starr @ The Kiefer Cottage said...

I thought the movie was fun--we went to the VIP room at the Plaza and there were many drunk women screaming at the screen (all of whom were served even more booze during the movie). We ended up getting free passes because of those crazy ladies!

The movie could've been 45 minutes shorter. And I agree, more skin would've been nice.

BetseeT said...

This made me laugh out loud. Thank you. Haven't seen the movie yet but I don't need plot with my male strippers, thank you. When will these writers and producers and directors understand us???? We like shallow and vapid. And money makers and meat! We women work hard and want to see some eye candy!

txmamaof5 said...

Truly, I went for the eye candy. I wasn't disappointed. I love ChanningTatum...yum, yum, yum! But there won't be a porn movie at the local theater and I think a lot of people were expecting it to be more like a porn. (Or at least that is what it seems like when I have talked to women about this movie.) They won't come out and SAY they want to watch a porn of Channing Tatum, but they were hoping for it. I thought the plot was fine, it needed *something* to help it along. But it gave a real world vision of the life of a stripper. It isn't all sex, drugs, and rock n roll... I think it expressed to women what women want expressed to men about strippers and porn - it's fine to watch and enjoy, but these are real women with real lives, real hopes, yada yada yada.... These men (who are real strippers) are real men with real lives, real hopes, yada, yada, yada. Now if there is a porn with Channing Tatum, I am SO THERE!!! :)

Deanna said...

AHAHAHAHA I'm going to wait for the dvd based on your review. I love your humor Jen!

SeanSophia said...

LMAO! I concur completely!

Anonymous said...

So your saying not a great lesbian-flick?

Brigette said...

If you want to enjoy the "dialogue", go see Magic Mike on a Sunday around 11am. Yes, I'm a heathen but I did thank God for Channing Tatum's nice little fanny.

Samantha said...

Bahaha! I am going to see it this Friday with some friends as a "Mommy's Evening Away From Her Devil Spawn" and I am not expecting much from it. Half naked dudes and not having to pull kids off of my legs or wipe asses is good enough for me. Even if it sucks.

Mary Kay said...

I am really glad that you don't live in New Jersey because you may have been referring to me and my friends. It was just Diet Coke! I swear!

Amanda said...

Still waiting to see it... maybe I can nap during the boring parts and count on being woken up by the hooting and hollering of the other women in the theater for the good parts. BYOB seems like a good idea also.

Anonymous said...

All right, I'm gonna skip the movie theater, rent it on blu-ray, and have a byob girls night in!

BTW, as I was reading the comments, the ad on the left was from Amazon- all "Elf on the Shelf" products. Happy Wednesday!

d087e462-cb6b-11e1-a010-000bcdcb2996 said...

I too went for the eye-candy. I was not disappointed. It could have been a silent movie. There were a lot of women over dressed. Also disturbing to me was the 14 or 15 year old girl there. I dont think I would have taken my 15yo to see this movie!

Mandi said...

There was a group of older women in the theater I went to that showed up in a LIMO, in full length dresses, with solo cups. Yes. Solo cups. To see Magic Mike, really?

Tricia said...

Great summary! Every time someone asks what I thought of it my response was-too many tits, not enough male ass. Although, the penis pump in action did make me snort with laughter.

Partain Family said...

Favorite quote in your whole rant: "Sandy and I were hoping the women would get confused and start throwing money at the screen. It would have paid for our popcorn." I litterally spit my coffee out at the screen! I loved "Magic Mike" and I WILL be investing in a copy for home. I do agreee about the whole bromance...WEIRD! Oh, and WE smuggled booze in, too! GREAT girl's night out. Definitely worth the money to see it in the theaters, once! :)

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said...

"Marble sack" <-- Making me laugh.
Women were hotting and hollering at the screen when I went to see it, the theater was PACKED.
And yes, that dude can dance. Yowzas.

Anonymous said...

I read an article where Channing said the DVD would more than like include "extras" section with the whole dances for each guy. Yay!

Interplanet Janet said...

HAAHAHAhahahahahahahaha! I would have totally done that for you Tricia, no sacrifice is too great for a friend ...

Bodacious said...

I am so looking forward to seeing this movie

Michelle said...

I had a great time at the movie. It's like Playboy for women. They read the magazine for the articles and we go to the movie for the plot line. Yeahhhhhh, that's it! ;) I was loving me some Matthew McConaughy and Channing Tatum has a new fan. He has some serious moves!

Jenn said...

My mom was like, Why don't you want to see "magic Mike?" Are you kidding me? tickets are like 10 bucks a person around here. lol

I'm going to go see Ted this weekend though. :)and seriously, the last time I was at the movies was in 2006. lol

Single Lady said...

OMG Channing Tatum did the damn thang! Him dancing to Ginuwine ("Pony") made me holler like I was really at a strip club...or how I think I would holler at one since I've never been to one. (Okay, I don't like strippers except for in the movies! LOL) I was surprised at how, um, talented he was but I guess I shouldn't have been since he used to be a stripper but LAWDHAMERCY I was excited to see it.

Disappointment - Adam Rodriguez (CSI: Miami) is sooooooo pretty but has zero rhythm. How in the hell did he get in this movie? There are plenty pretty men that have rhythm that could have been casted.

Single Lady

Red said...

I have had no interest in this movie...and still don't. Although your read is very funny.

It's pretty sad if all the little old ladies are getting their jollies this way. I understand younger women appreciate it too...I've seen a lot of "Ooo! Channing Tatum!" posts on FB. Sadly.

Anonymous said...

After watching so many serious movies, it was nice to just go for the eye candy!I love Channing Tatum but Matthew Mcconaughey has been my celebrity crush for many many years. I could have lived without the "plot" I wanted to be shallow and only watch hot men shake it. I didn't pay to see an after school special for adults!

The Lint Trap said...

A gaggle of 40/50 somethings in about the 4th row were literally howling and screaming during the howl movie. I can only hope they are not reading 50 Shades in public.

Channing Tatum is the hawtness but I agree with the baggy sweatpants. It was a little to Step It Up for Me. And I am pretty sure that is the way Matthew M is in real life. Slapping a lot of asses and close talking the shit out of people. Not that I would be complaining.

Sonia said...

Were it not for Matt Bomer and the dancing this movie would be #1 on my top 10 worst movies of all time! I thought Channing Tatum was reading cue cards, using hooked on phonics to read them back to himself in his head before mumbling the crap out loud. Save yourself the misery of fast forwarding the DVD later and YouTube the best scenes. Though if the DVD release contains full versions of every dance routine, I may just buy the DVD when it hits the $5 bin.

Sonia said...

I love me some Marky Mark too! He should have been in this movie. :)

Briana said...

Agree. Wasn't that great, but Channing can move!

Anonymous said...

When I saw it all the women were hootin' and hollerin' like crazy. When the first set of boobs came on the screen a friend of mine yelled, "Yeah, boobs!!" She figured someone's gotta cheer for the ladies.

Anonymous said...

I went in a group of seven women. The theater was pretty full. We found a spot... six seats in a row, then two women who had four emty seats on the other side of them. My friend asked them if they could scoot down one seat so we could all sit together. They said no. Assuming they were joking, my friend smiled and stood there waiting for them to move down. Then they said no again and explained that they wanted to be right in the center. WTF? People, come on! Let's work together here! One seat off center is not going to distort your view. I think some folks were taking this (really weak) movie a bit too seriously.

NorthernGirl said...

I was going to suggest a girls night to go see this with my SILs, but now I think I'll pass. The previews make me feel too damn old anyway. The way I see it, it's a sad world when Matthew McConaughey is at the age where he gets cast as the club owner and not the stripper. The guy is still easy on the eyes, but age has it's downfalls I guess. Hilarious post, as always!

Anonymous said...

I like this review very much! Thank you! I live in Germany and can't go see this movie but I've heard so much about it and your comments are exactly the kind of thing I would say.

Michelle S. said...

"shut your piehole and show me some meat" hahaha you crack me up!

Laura M said...

I'm on the same page as you, Jen. My friend was commenting what a whiny B "Magic Mike" was being regarding his credit score. Open up some credit cards for Pete's sake! The plot was so lame and his love interest (Adam's sister) was a terrible actress. We were SOOOO BORED!!!!!

I was also uncomfortable watching this movie with the TWO 70 year old COUPLES in the audience. Did they know what this movie was about when they bought the tickets? I felt like I was watching it with my Grandmother. Awkward!!!!!

Hannah Bro said...

I just want to know why they didn't call it "Magic Johnson". I mean, the imagery is all there anyway. Isn't that basically what the movie is all about? ;)

Anonymous said...

LLOLOLOLOLOMAO!!! My sisters and I plan to wait until it comes out on DVD and get together and watch it - with booze and snacks! We'll have a blast. We can cheer and hoot and holler all on our own! Great review, Jen. Annd Interplant Janet - I bet I could get one of my sisters to do it! Too funny.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to go see Ted, too, and think it will be a lot of fun. Going with my adult son and his girlfriend. Will wait to see MM when it comes out on DVD. I love these comments, though, and Jen's review. Hilarious!!

L Carilo said...

I must be old. I must have been old in my 20's! Never got the Chippendale's thing back then; don't get all the hoopla about this movie - or any other similar themed movie. I don't get allure of 50 Shades either; I had enough fun in my 20's and memories of great sex(without the S&M) "back in the day" that I don't think I need a book. Or, yeah, maybe I'm just an old prude.

mosaicmaddness said...

OMG I'm so glad I'm not a freak in how I felt about this movie.. you summed it up perfectly. Me and my friend went and about the time the dancing got really good, they would cut back to "story" and we would just groan... it was bad story... it was MANY small stories that NEVER got resolved, not to mention just bad writing...

We all knew it wasn't going to win any Oscars, but DAMN.... I hear the DVD will have "cut scenes" and I'm hoping like hell they are full of MEAT...

And Matthew.... ew... he was super creepy to me, and when he danced at the end? I threw up in my mouth a little bit... it was just bad... he kept bending over... ack...

imbogus1 said...

Now I want to go see the movie and becum (sp) magic with some of the well dressed women....damn you paint a nice picture!!!

Debra Glass said...

I agree! Shut up and dance, Channing.

becca said...

Exactly what I said when my hubby asked me what it was about!!!! Great review!!!

Anonymous said...

Now if you want a movie with a plot go see Hysteria. It's about women in 1880's England who were so frustrated that they were diagnosed with hysteria. The threatment for this was to put the women in stirrups for manual "massage" until they got off. The doctors got hand cramps from treating women all day. This led to the invention of the electric vibrator. True story.

Eva Gallant said...

I had now idea you could smell my wine cooler!

Penelope Lolohea said...

I agree that the story line totally sucked! But there were some pretty awesome dance scenes--if ya know what I mean. ;) Lol. I did go see the midnight showing of it though, and I have to say that the audience I watched it with was the best one I have ever watched a movie with! They were all yelling and screaming--gay men included. I usually hate it when people yell or talk during movies, but there was so much of it, that it was hilarious. And since the storyline sucked, it made the movie a lot more fun than it really was.

christy424 said...

I also, begrudgingly, attended the movie under pressure from a friend. Why were all the women in the club good-looking 20 something's?! I was waiting for a skanky cougar (maybe with dentures), but then they wouldn't be able to pick her up in a chair...

Kaliste said...

My husband and I saw Ted the opening weekend of Magic Mike. Every showing was sold out. His comments were, I'm sure the plot line is terrible. My response- Matthew McConaughey with no shirt. There's your plot line. That's all I care about at least. YUMMY!

StephHC said...

Now I know why they showed it at a theater in town that has a full service bar.

StephHC said...

Ted is awesome. I highly recommend it! I laughed through the whole thing.

Kristin said...

We've been to the movies 3 times in the last two weeks (Ted, Savages, Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter). Every time, there's been a gaggle of either 20-something girls with loud mouths proclaiming they're going to see Magic Mike to every one in the refreshment line (you know, the type who act like they're on Jersey Shore and think there's a camera on them) OR middle-aged women, all dressed up, acting like they're out for a fancy night on the town. Also proclaiming they're about to see "that stripper movie".

NotSoNice said...

I said the same damn thing! Give me a mute button and fast forward for the stuff I want to see aka eye candy.

Brooke said...

As much as I loved watching Channing and Joe do their thangs...the highlight of the movie for me was an older woman (I'd guess in her 70's) sitting right in front of me say - as the theater was semi quiet - "Oh. My. God." It was hysterical!!!

Anonymous said...

The cussing Snuggle bear was fucking awesome, FYI.

Anonymous said...

I actually got the hubby and his friend to go with me to watch it, hey, wanna know how many shitty movies I have had to sit through? I deserved this night out. I even got a bit tipsy before going in there thing that if I really was going to see some strippers, I would totally be drinking. And I wish that I would have kept drinking... either Saki Bombs or taken my own flask in there with me. Or possibly my I-pod so I could listen to that while watching the movie, with my hidden flask! Mute and fast-forward, I could have definitely used that. Why did they not show as much stripping as they should have. Because the director was a HE, that's why. I was disappointed, I thought that it was going to be way better than it was... we even left before it ended. At least the hubby and I got some fun drunken fun out of it later on....

Anonymous said...

The sad thing is the majority of male dancers have no interest in poontang....lol but some women eat that shit up.Every dumb lazy and horny chick I know is crowing about this movie.WHY?I would much rather see Ted!

MO Lulu said...

Perfect chick flick? "Sex with Magic Mike in the City and Under the Tuscan Sun." Directed by Nancy Meyers.

TheJerseyShoreMom said...

OMG I wrote the exact same review for my friend! Down to the awkward ad libbing & watching it again on DVD so we could fast forward through the talking!

Anonymous said...

Through the whole movie I kept thinking " shush, let's not ruin this with talking" definitely needed more ass less talk but was fun nonetheless. Btw I went alone, long story, and the theatre was totally empty. I was the only one in there...until the end when a lady about 80+ came in and dropped into her seat. I felt a little weird watching a stripper movie with someone's grandma......

Gypsy said...

Yes, yes & yes!! Less talky, more meat moving. I thought the 'plot' was pathetic & left me feeling sorry for these poor guys. Jesus. Really?! Not. Stfu & shake your moneymakers!! :D

Elizabeth said...

This is the funniest thing that I have read in a long time! Thanks for the laughs and the memories!

leendadll said...

I saw it at home and used the mute button & fast forward. Unfortunately, so much clothing stayed on that I fast forwarded through 90% of the film. And still thought the dialog sucked!

Cath Brookes said...

On the scale of chick flicks, Magic Mike is probably a 10, combining large quantities of male stripping action in a nightclub setting and a soppy romantic tale.
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