I Was Interviewed!

Today I was interviewed by Kim from Let Me Start By SayingI had the pleasure of meeting Kim last summer in New York City at BlogHer. I am quite short and so I immediately befriended Kim, because I'm no dummy. She's a giantess and the crowds were thick. She could always tell me which way I needed to head for the bar and/or the bathroom. Kim has graciously offered to interview me for . . . wait, where will this interview be appearing, Kim? Hmm . . . I'm pretty sure it's for a well-known magazine or something, right? 

K: I should begin by informing the readers that we have met in person before. 
So let me ask you this: How does it feel to ride eye-to-boob in a crowded elevator? Does being the size of a Tostito have its perks?

J: I've been the shortest person in the room since fourth grade so I barely notice anymore. I am constantly bobbing in a sea of boobs and sometimes even asses if the people around me are really tall. I  wouldn't know what to do with a different view. Crowded elevators are the worst though - especially when I'm trapped with hyperventilating people who are almost pooping their extra tall pants. Sometimes I stand on a stool just so I can see what the rest of you see and it makes me dizzy. Being short does have its perks. No one ever asks me to get out of my comfy spot to reach anything off the top shelf. I'm useless to most people.

K: What’s the best response you’ve received when someone discovered that you are the Jen of PIWTPITT? Did you swear them to secrecy about your true identity, or simply murder them and hide the bodies?

J: Over the summer, I hosted a party for my readers and I drove to the restaurant with a few friends. I had picked them up in the minivan Honda had sent me to try out and I was showing them all the features (slidey doors!) when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you Jen?" At first I was going to deny it like I always do, but then I realized, This is my party I can't hide any longer! So I replied, "Yes." She said, "I knew it! How many women in cargo pants and Crocs would be out here showing off the features of a minivan?"

The word is getting out, but so far she's the only stranger who has recognized me - and lived to tell the story. 

K: You’re obviously known for your rants. Were you ranty as a kid, or just as an adult? When did you leap from your Rant Closet?

J: I don't think I was a ranty kid. (My parents might disagree.) I think I probably started ranting in high school, because high school sucked balls. I have several friends from college who read this blog and they have told me that reading my blog is like listening to my dorm room rants so I know I was definitely ranty by college. I didn't really leap from the Rant Closet until April 2011 when I started the blog. That's when my Official Reign of Rant began. 

K: Which makes you angrier: people who order their coffee Extra Hot, or the existence of celebrity moms?

J: Duh. What do you think? As long as the Extra Hot coffee people are ready with their order when it's their turn, I could care less about them, but what the hell is a "celebrity mom" anyway? Like Jessica Alba. What is she famous for? Honestly? Why is she a celebrity mom? All she does it put her baby in $600 shoes for trips to the farmer's market. Blech. By the way, did you see my favorite celebrity mom, January Jones is losing her hair now? She's blaming it on hair dye, but I'm going to blame it on her placenta pills.

K: Which is your favorite "Seinfeld" episode?

J: I actually hate "Seinfeld." I might be the only person in America who feels this way, but I'm OK with that. I think Jerry is a whiner, George gives me the heebie jeebies, crazy guy across the hall (what's his name?) is crazy and Elaine was annoying. 

K: Your book, Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch on the Throat, raced to the top of the Amazon.com charts not long after its release. Did you think this would be the first kind of book you’d write, or did you expect to be the author of something different? Any plans for other books?

J: Before I started writing my blog I always assumed I'd write fiction. Fiction is my first love and I never even thought of writing a non-fiction book. Once the blog took off, I realized I'd be an idiot not to write a non-fiction book. No one comes here for my riveting YA or children's book about The Gingerbread Ninja. I'm always working on fictional material, but the non-fiction takes precedent since that's what sells and it's what comes easiest to me to me now. (Gratuitous plug: My book is now available for free borrow for Amazon Prime members.)

K: What secret talents do you have? Any freaking biological anomalies?

J: I'm a closet crafter. I can wield a glue gun like a champ. I'm not very good at coming up with the ideas, but I can copy just about anything on Etsy or Pinterest. Adolpha is super crafty too so we like to spend our free time in our fully stocked craft room in the basement getting our glitter on. 

K: Writing is a tough business. Is there anything you keep in your office to inspire your writing, or at least keep you sane?

J: Just my wall of pictures of you, Kim. You can stop sending them to me, I have plenty now. I tend to write a lot on my lap top in a chair in the corner of my bedroom, unless I need to get busy. If I have a deadline or I need to write all day then I need to be downstairs in my office, at my desk with my music playing (preferably nothing with words I know otherwise I'll start singing along and suddenly my rant is an "Air Supply" song). My office is very plain and I don't have much to inspire me. Maybe that's my problem. When I need new ideas I troll around Pinterest or Twitter and just follow threads to see what people are talking about. I have an entire secret board on Pinterest called Things to Make Fun Of. That board inspires me a lot.

K: What’s the nicest thing someone has said to you, ever?

J: "Will you marry me?" Awwww, Hubs . . . I know - ick - but it was really nice of him to ask me.  

K: What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you on your blog? Did you hunt him/her down and deliver a guerrilla-style throat punch?

J: I get quite a few mean comments. My favorites are the ones with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling because they are such a rarity! 

I've been told I'm a terrible mother, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, and God don't love me (their eloquent words, not mine). The ones that piss me off the most are the negative comments from men. I have lots of normal, easy going men with senses of humor who read this blog, but whenever I write about women's reproductive rights or Joe Paterno or male politicians or douchey dads, I get men coming out of the woodwork telling me to "get back to what you know: babies and boobies" or some stupid shit like that. (I'm getting angry right now writing about them.) Those guys are domineering assholes with tiny dicks who have entirely too much time to complain about me on a blog that's about - in their words - babies and boobies. What the hell are they even doing here if all I write about are babies and boobies? What a bunch of fucking creepers.

I also hate, hate, hate the comments about my kids' names. My response to that: Reading is fundamental. Why don't you read the Who is Jen? section before you start bitching about Gomer and Adolpha's names? Do a little research before you start in with your idiotic comments because you look like an ass.

I don't hunt down mean commenters, because luckily I have the best readers in the world who put the smack down on a troll as soon as they open their dirty mouth. Sometimes the dust up is over before I even knew it started. I also like to call them out for the occasional public flogging in my weekly wrap ups.

K: I love that you put some of your favorite reader comments in your weekly summaries. Do you have one long-time favorite that you can’t get enough of?

J: There are two readers who come to mind and I hope they don't mind me using their names. I always laugh at the comments from Devan and RachRiot. When I read the comments, I don't usually notice who they're from until I think, "Yup, that one's a winner" and then I realize it's Devan or RachRiot. There have been some weeks where I have to stop myself from putting RachRiot in twice. She's just that good. I have a favorite Twitter commenter too. That's Jen.

K: You’re a big reader. Do you buy and keep books to read again, or borrow and just read once?

J: Before I had kids I bought books and I'd read my favorites over and over again. Once I had kids I stopped buying books because I couldn't afford them anymore (damn kids and their need for diapers and food). I had several years I couldn't even pick up a book because I was so damn tired from taking care of my babies and working. It wasn't until Adolpha was about two years that I finally knew I had to carve out some time for myself every day to read. I started buying books again and the Hubs quickly put the kibosh on that (remember, he's a cheap bastard). He introduced me to this amazing place I had heard of, but had never really been to. It's called The Library. 

It's actually good that I borrow books, because then I'm motivated to read them before they're due. There are still a few that I've checked out from the library, but then I've had to go out and buy because I know I'll want to read them again. I got a tablet this year and I've been downloading tons of free e-books too. Have I mentioned that my book is available to Amazon Prime members for a free loan? Because it is.

K: What’s the best book you’ve read recently (you’re not allowed to say the title of your own book)?

J: Hmm . . . if I can't say mine, can I say the title of yours? (Part of My World by Kim Bongiorno only 99 cents on Amazon.) This is hard. I just finished Ready Player One and I liked that one a lot. Oh! I've got it. I re-read The Passage, because the newest one in the series is out and I wanted a refresher. I really like that book a lot. I'm trying to get through Gone Girl right now. I was struggling to get into it, but so many people told me to hang on and I'm happy I did. It's starting to get good now, but I really dislike both of the main characters. Is that normal?

K: Is there anything you are not willing to write about because of your kids? Your husband? Your scarily-obsessed-with-Christmas mom?

J: Hmm . . . my kids would prefer I didn't give them made up names, but I won't change that. My husband loves being a punching bag on here. In fact, tonight he pitched a new book for me to write: all about him. Yawn. My parents are great sports and know that I'm teasing them out of love. I don't write about my brother C.B. (and I could write a whole series about him) because he's a very private person and he wouldn't find it funny.

K: Would you rather use a public bathroom with your daughter or make out with Ke$ha?

J: Choices, choices. If it's a gross gas station bathroom, I'll take my chances with Ke$ha.

K: Do you prefer chocolate or coffee?

J: Since I am a tea drinker, I will always choose anything over coffee. 

K: Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling?

J: These are my choices? Two pretty boys who require more grooming than most women? Nah, I choose Jon Hamm in his "Mad Men" wardrobe.

K: What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?

J: "The Shining" scares the crap out of me. Just writing this I'm thinking "redrum" and "come play with us." 

K: Do you paint your toenails? Ever use glittery flower stickers on them?

J: I only paint my toenails in the summer time. I like to get pedicures in the summer when my tootsies are showing. In the winter, they just suffer in socks. I don't think it will surprise you to know that I don't like to do anything fancy like glittery flower stickers. That's Adolpha's territory.

K: Finally, what are your goals with writing and your blog for 2013? Will you take some time off, or take over the world?

J: I'm still on my World Domination track at this point, I'm planning for total domination in 2015.

My goals for 2013 are the following: 

Blog - Continue to write a couple of times a week and grow my readership.

Books - Early spring: As-yet untitled anthology of super funny ladies (including Kim). These will be humorous essays about motherhood and/or womanhood.

Late summer: Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat - Class pictures, bullies, room moms and parents who think teachers are giving out too much homework. 

Summerish: Help Gomer finish a children's book that he's been working on.

Fallish: Buy Adolpha something so she won't be pissed that her brother has a book and she doesn't.

By the way, BOTH Kim and I are in the Circle of Moms contest for Top 25 Funny Moms, so please go vote for us or we'll have to stop being funny. Thanks.

Wrap Up 1.26.13


This week has been a really productive week for me. (Finally!) I started working on my next book. Did you know I've got another book in the works? Well, I do. It's an anthology that I'm putting together of some of the funniest ladies on the 'net. I started reading through submissions this week and I'm so excited by what I'm seeing. This is going to be such a great book with all new material. Several of your favorites like Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, Moms Who Drink and Swear, and Robin's Chicks will be in the book along with tons of others you know and even a few hidden gems I discovered that you may not know.

This anthology is something I've wanted to do for a year now. I started thinking about all of the talented ladies I know and how I would love to put together a collection featuring all of them and now I'm finally working towards that goal. I'm very excited.

Because I started working on another book I was advised to start a Facebook page for the author me - as opposed to the blogger me. I have so many hats, I'm like an overachieving writer type. Anyhoo, the author page is where I can keep you updated on the progress of future books and all things writing. The theory is I will not use the blog Facebook page for book updates (as if I can stop myself). I'm going to try that. If you'd like to follow Jen the Author, then click here. I don't post much on there yet, so at least I won't be accused of "clogging" anyone's feed.

Did you join the Twitter party last Sunday? I got caught up in a "Back the Future" marathon with my kids and I couldn't get back to the present to log in. I heard it was a lot of fun. I don't see any reason why I can't be there this week. Be sure to pop in to Twitter and say "Hello" at 9 PM eastern. You can follow the hashtag #spikedpunch or me @throat_punch

If you're not hanging out with me on Facebook yet, you should be. Last week I started a new thing where I ask you an ice breaker question. Yesterday was the second one. I asked: If you had to wear the underwear of someone famous, who would you choose and why?

Several people were more than a little grossed out at the question, but you know what? Boohoo. It's a hypothetical question, people. No need to get your panties (not the ones that belong to someone famous) in a bunch. Read the question. Did I say they were used or dirty underwear? Nope. I did not. That's on you. 

The people who decided to have fun with the question came up with lots of hilarious answers. I think my favorite was "Einstein. So I could be a smarty pants."

If you haven't read the answers, do yourself a favor and go read them. 

Also, this week I was nominated for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Last year I got first place. This year I'll be lucky to place in the top 5. The competition is stiff and I loooove so many girls on that list so it feels weird to be "competing" against one another. That being said, you know I'll be pissed if I don't make it to the Top 25, right? So please vote for me each and every day and twice on Sundays from your mobile device. Also, you can vote for EVERYONE on the list. Did you know that? Circle of Moms aren't assholes who make you choose. You get to vote for everyone you like.  

My Favorite Book Review This Week:


5.0 out of 5 stars Does her blog make you laugh? Then this absolutely will, too.January 24, 2013
By 
K. B. (New Jersey, USA) - See all my reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Kindle Edition)
It doesn't have to be Christmas for you to get a good laugh from Jen of the infamous blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat. If you enjoy her rants, raves and reviews online, then this collection of stories of her childhood through her own parenthood will please you to no end. Grab your copy today!

See? You don't have to worry that Christmas is over and that maybe this book isn't relevant anymore. This is a book that crosses lines and can be just as good on President's Day as it was on Christmas Eve. 

Top Read Posts This Week:

Rules for Raising a Boy - This was a classic list (I hate to say "repost") that found a new audience this week. If you have a son then you should totally read this list and then ignore all of my advice, because I have no idea what I'm talking about. Especially the part where I suggest boys never stand to pee. Apparently that emasculates our sons or something like that. All I know is unless he's going to clean up his piddle everywhere, he needs to sit his ass down.

Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - I read an article on Yahoo that inspired me to conduct my own unscientific study. I was surprised to read how many of you sleep naked. I didn't add it up, but I think it's above the national average. Way to get your freak on!

Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror - This post was inspired by last week's getting to know you question. I was surprised how many of us hate the same words like moist, panties, and succulent. I would like to add the word "lover" to the list. In the immortal words of my BFF Tina Fey acting as Liz Lemon "Lovers.. oh, that word bums me out unless it’s between meat and pizza."

Rules for Parents of Daughters - Another classic list where I've been accused of "slut shaming." I honestly don't know what to say this accusation. I'd rather shame my daughter in the hopes that she never becomes a slut rather than encourage her to be a slut. I'm the parent. I make the rules. These rules are for my daughter. If you want to let your daughter be a slut, go for it. 

Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms - Adolpha and I have seen every public restroom out there.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

Wow! There are a lot of people commenting with similar stories. I have six children and none of them had a fetish with pubic toilets or any of that. Maybe its because I never took them anywhere very often. Hah. When my 2nd son was in jr high he always called from school to pick him up cuz of stomach issues. He would come home, poop and then go back to school. Once he hit HS he loves snappin' off a darky at school and leaving it for observation. Does that count? on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms

Here's some more useless shit that lives in my head. If you are forced to use a public bathroom and there is more than one stall, the first one is statistically the cleanest one in the joint. Think about it, you never want to use the first one. No does anyone else. And if you have a choice between the first one on the right and the first one on the left, go to the right. No one else ever goes in there. Hmmm...maybe my odd knowledge about public bathrooms is not so useless after all. And maybe I shouldn't have told all of you because now you'll all be peeing in the first rest room and getting it dirty and it won't be nice and clean when I get there. Forget I said anything. We never had this conversation. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms

Son of a bitch! Somehow I got it in my head that the first stall was the DIRTIEST and so I've always avoided it. Now I'm going to have to rethink my public restroom strategy.

Something I'm really proud of is the fact that I know where EVERY EFFING BATHROOM IN DISNEYWORLD IS (that includes EPCOT, MGM Studios and ANIMAL KINGDOM). Keep in mind we DO NOT live in Florida. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms

I was like this too, as a child. My parents used to call me the "bathroom critic." ANYWHERE we went, I had to use the bathroom, and then I'd come back with a full accounting of how many stalls, cleanliness factor, anything cool or out of the ordinary . . . . to this day my favorite was at a funeral home where a lot of our family funerals were held. My mother was aghast when she'd tell me a family member had passed on and would be laid out at XYZ funeral home - I'd respond with an enthusiastic "YES!!!!!" I'm 52 years old now and childbirth has made sure I know where every one of the best public restrooms are located. I've cut back on the commentary, however. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms

Ah, yes. My daughter's obsession has been well documented. We've been on The Great American Crapper Tour for years. Uugh. The only thing that stops her in her tracks? Her nemesis: The auto-flush toilet. She is terrified of that powerful suction. on Adolpha's Obsession with Public Restrooms

Lord. That's all it takes. Why just stop with sleeping? Think I trying swimming naked at the county Aquatics Center today. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

I have two sheets, a blanket and a down comforter. When I sleep naked, my hoo ha is still swaddled like a newborn. And I like it that way. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

Sleeping naked just doesn't work for me. I hate it! Inevitably the hubs will roll over and squish one of my boobs that, due to size and age, does NOT stay where it is supposed to anymore!NOT FUN! on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

I can sum up in two words why I won't sleep naked: butt sweat. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

I always sleep with a sports bra and panties. I've tried sleeping in the nude, and oddly enough, a bare vajayjay was not the problem - I couldn't stand to have these ten pound a piece jugs on my chest on the loose all throughout the night! It felt so odd to be topless and hanging all over the place while I was trying to sleep! Plus, my husband is already a walking-talking-boner. I would not get an ounce of sleep with him next to me if everything was so accessible! on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

As a man, I'm all for this. Just sayin. Now to convince the wife. I think the belly fat thing will be the clincher. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

I love sleeping naked. It’s so much more comfortable and when my hubs is battling insomnia, well that’s always a fun way to be woken up in the middle of the night. Yes, confidence, there is something about walking around or sleeping in your birthday suit that is freeing. The belly fat, well that one is true for me too. Almost nothing left to lose. on Six Reasons You Should Sleep Naked - A PIWTPITT Experiment

Well, aren't you a confident sex kitten who doesn't mind in the least being woken up in the middle of the night for a quickie with your sleepless husband and your flat belly? I can't decide if I like you or hate you because of this comment. 

Here's a confession for you. When I had something to eat that got stuck between my teeth, and there is no thread to be found, guess what I use?!? he he he.. on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror

I have a friend who is afraid of ham. Not just disgusted by it, but literally afraid of it. She can't be near it or see pictures of it. Any form of ham. on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror

I have two uteruses(sp?). I hate snakes, with a passion. And I hate the word penis. on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror

Uteri?

The first time I heard my mom say "Fuck you" to my dad was because he accidentally touched her leg with his toenail in bed the night before. I'm not big on feet, but I'm not that bad. -Amy on Getting to Know You is Like Looking in a Mirror

That sounds like a typical night at my house.

Weekly Wrap Up 1.19.13


Happy Saturday! What's on the agenda for this weekend? I'm going to a book signing for a local author today and then to my aunt and uncle's 40th wedding anniversary party. I'll need to actually shower and get dressed up for both of these events, but I figured it was a lot of work for a good cause, because surely, I'll get some good material to write about. Uncle Carl and his daughter will be there tonight (not his party) and I'm thinking of getting a present for the happy couple that I can put THEIR name on. Any ideas? 

I didn't get much done this week, because I was too busy reading Ready Player One. This is a book for the children of the 80s and the geekier you are, the more you will like it. I read a review that said it was "Willy Wonka meets The Matrix" and that sums it up perfectly. I finished it yesterday and let's just say that last night I couldn't stop dreaming about being in a game of Pac Man.

Did you join me on Twitter last Sunday night during the Golden Globes? You didn't? You should have. You would have laughed. Not at me. I'm not that funny on Twitter. I need more than 140 characters for my brand of humor. My witty friends who join me on Twitter are the funny ones. I just hang out and retweet them. If you're not busy this Sunday, it would be great if you stopped by at 9 PM EST. It's easy, just log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch

Are you following me on Facebook yet? Yesterday was hilarious. I saw a question my friend You Know it Happens at Your House Too asked her Facebook peeps and I was all, That's a great question. I should come up with my own funny, interesting question too! and then two minutes later I decided, Screw that, I'll just steal her question. This was such a great idea, because I got some awesome answers. I can't wait until YKIHAYT comes up with another super question I can steal.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Rules for Parents of Daughters - A few months ago I wrote a list of rules I'd like to teach my daughter. Scarymommy asked me if she could repost it on her blog and I said Yes. Do you ever say No to Scarymommy? You never say No to someone who has "scary" or "punch" in their blog title. Some people enjoy this list, some people are horrified and offended by this list. Eh, those people can bite me.

How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic - The flu is spreading around Manhattan like . . . well, the flu . . . and NYC is taking extreme measures like asking little kids to stop shaking hands after their soccer games while they ignore the petri dish of filth that is the subway system.

The Makers of the iPad Toilet - One more dumb thing that some grandparent will think is a great idea for your kid.

Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT - I watched the Golden Globes with my internet friends on Twitter (yeah, I don't have much of a life) and then I wrote a review of the show.

Jen's Top 11 Favorite Posts - These aren't the most popular reads or crowd favorites. They're mine. They're the ones I like the best.

Book Update:

I always love when another holiday rolls around, because it gives my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat another chance to shine. I'm seeing a nice little MLK, Jr. Day bump. Attention boyfriends and husbands - less than a month to get your copy for your lady love for Valentine's Day. I can't guarantee you'll get lucky with this purchase, but I can guarantee you'll laugh your ass off together. Caution - Do not drink your expensive champagne while you read this book, because you'll be pissed when it comes out your nose.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

omgosh - i'm not leaving the house again until spring...or touching money ever. again. and yeah kids are gross and boy kids are even more gross. They'll pick up a toothpick on the subway and chew on it and then chase those germs with a good lick of that pole. on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic

I just read this after getting home from the Pedi's office where, in the waiting room, I witnessed wee ones snotting all over the toys in there and then putting their fingers in their mouths. I almost gagged. Why not retire the toys during flu season? I know it's hard to keep them busy while they wait but yuck. All I can think of is..."came to doc's office for one thing, left with 3 more things.." You're welcome. Wake up me up when this season is over...this has been a nightmare. Hilariously disturbing post by the way. xoxo I'd high five you, but you know...**cough** on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic

I try not to even let my kids sit on the chairs in the ped's office - let alone play with those disgusting toys. Even the doc tells you not to let your kids play with the toys because they're so contaminated. Ick.

I'm not a germophobe either but my favorite is going to a birthday party and someone cuts the cake...and licks his/her hands between each slice! Seriously! At least do that where I can't see it! on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic

But cake tastes so much better when I lick it off my fingers. Yum!

When I was bank teller, I had a young girl that came in who was a stripper, and every Monday she would bring in lots of cash, (mostly 1's), and some of them were wet, stuck together, and they always smelled like beer and sex. I always washed my hands really good after handling her money. She was very sweet though,...I could see why she made so much! on How Not to Stop the Flu Epidemic

"Fuck Mums, I Came to Win" should totally be Taylor Swift's next song. I mean, she'll lose half her fan base as we all would stand by Adele's obvious awesomeness, but she does need to expand her repertoire away from serial dating. on Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT

I can't believe you didn't give Tommy Lee Jones a punch for the Kristin Wiig and Will Farrell's hilarious routine for the actress category. They were so funny, everyone was laughing, and the camera pans over to him and he's sitting there all like 'I will cut you'. Dude, lighten up. It's what they do. on Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT

I saw Tommy Lee Jones, but I really thought he was trying to be funny. I could be wrong, but his sense of humor is incredibly dry and I'm guessing he was teasing them. If he wasn't, then, yes he's a jerk. Plus, I can't punch him because he looks like the Grumpy Cat and I looooove the Grumpy Cat.

Jodie Foster is gay, y'all. In other shocking news: Chocolate is delicious and puppies are cute. I was proud of her and she does look fab for 50. But she needs to get that malignant growth, Mel Gibson removed from her ass. What is up with that friendship?? Don't get it. on Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT

My three year old just saw that picture, and she's considering regressing so she can lobby for her own iShitter. on The Makers of the iPad Toilet

Toddler hands on my tablet is gross enough, but toddlers playing with their hoohoos and weewees while playing my tablet at the same time, no thanks. on The Makers of the iPad Toilet

FYI on the twitter chat, for those who it goes too fast can use tweetchat makes it a chat room, tweetchat.com/room/whateveryourhashtagis. I host a quilting twitter chat every week and lots like it, especially newbies on Weekly Wrap Up 1.5.13

Ohh, this is good to know. I will definitely try it on Sunday! Thanks for the tip.

Alec Baldwin mentioned Stockholm syndrome on 30Rock tonight--Tina must be totally reading your blog. ;) on Contact Me

One can only hope. Call me, Colonel!

How about teaching your daughter not to use misogynistic swear words like "douche" and all its variants? on Rules for Parents of Daughters

The word "douche" is the only word that works perfectly for people who are so stupid they have to be compared to a product that cleans a dirty vagina. The word douche isn't insulting to women, the actual product is an insult so I don't mind using the word or its variants. And if you take issue with this word, I can't imagine what you must think of the rest of my blog. I once told a whiny guy that his vagina hurt. 

She can use the men's room! I've done it and will do it again if the need arises! Although, it was a one-stall restroom. on Rules for Parents of Daughters

Exactly. But have you tried to use a urinal?

Night at the Golden Globes with PIWTPITT

What a pretty doorstop.
Last night some friends and I live-tweeted during the Golden Globes and I had so much fun predicting who would win and why.

Before the show started I had to make some observations about the ladies' fashion. (I think there some men there too, but I have no opinions about wide lapels vs. narrow lapels. I just know a few men looked like undertakers.) There was a lot of double stick tape in use last night. What was the deal with all those boobies taped to the side so we could see down their middle? Very few women can carry off that look and many of them weren't there last night. I think there were a couple of DIY dresses: J-Lo couldn't find anything she liked so she grabbed a few doilies at the last minute and covered her nude body suit with them and Lucy Liu obviously tore down the drapes in her hotel room and wore those. At awards shows I'm always reminded how much Sofia Vergara looks like a real live Jessica Rabbit. If you're going to pick a spicy Latina though, I think Salma Hayek took home that trophy last night. (Hubs would not shut up about how "tousled" she looked. I think that's code for "just rolled out of my bed.")  The best quote of the night about fashion on my Twitter feed was from @jelbutle who tweeted "Is Giuliana dressed as a riverboat madam?" Seriously. Did you see that hot mess? She's a fashion expert? What do I know? I was wearing a fleece muumuu.

The night started with my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler killing their opening. They brought some much deserved snark down on James Franco and his Oscar hosting skills. (Did you watch the Oscars last year? He barely phoned in his performance.) After James Franco, they also made certain that they would never be hired to appear in a James Cameron movie (Eh, who wants to be in Avatar 2 anyway?) after they said poor Kathryn Bigelow learned all about torture during her marriage to him. That's when @angrivated tweeted "James Cameron's balls just shrank back into his body."

The Colonel looked fabulous and she was hilarious. I was so nervous before the show, because NBC was hyping it so much and it's hard to live up to that kind of pressure. I don't know why I was nervous, though, because of course she delivered!

I just wish there was more of her!

Do you ever try and guess the winners? I like to, but I've rarely seen any of the movies (the Hubs always makes us wait for the DVDs to be available at the library) so I can't really make an educated guess. Instead, I just follow my tried and true cheat sheet. Here are some tips you can follow while playing along at home:

1. The awards are given by the Hollywood Foreign Press - note FOREIGN - so of course they're going to favor anything foreign. When in doubt of who to pick for winners on your game card at home - always go for the foreigner.

Look at these winners from last night:

Daniel Day Lewis - Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama

Christopher Waltz - Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Damian Lewis - Best Actor in a Television Miniseries Drama - This one threw me for a minute. I am a huge "Homeland" fan and to me, Brody is an all-American hero who just can't open his mouth very wide. When Damian Lewis gave his acceptance speech he sounded like an extra from "Mary Poppins." I'd never heard his brogue before and I kept thinking he was putting it on and that his "Brody" voice would come back. I forgot to watch his mouth though and see if he opens it wider when he speaks normally. Anyone notice?

Maggie Smith - Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television - Ms. Smith (I would never deign to call her "Maggie") was up against some young, hot competition and she proved my second tip:

2. When you have old (saucy) dames in a category with young hotties, go for old dames (and it doesn't hurt if she's foreign too - double whammy). I haven't seen "Hitchcock" or "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" so I'm assuming Helen Mirren and Judi Dench weren't saucy enough. Sally Field and Meryl Streep aren't old dames - yet. That's why HFP went with Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway (plus, sometimes the odds makers are right).

3. Adele always wins. If Adele is in your category, you'd better just have a fake smile to plant on your face. Poor Taylor Swift needs to learn this lesson. Did you see her last night? Adele was giving her adorable speech about how she didn't expect to win and had just come to have a Moms' Night Out (yeah, MNO at the Golden Globes, can you imagine?) with her friend who is also a new mom. Adele said something like, "We're just mums who came for some fun!" At that moment the camera panned to Taylor Swift whose look said, "Fuck mums. I came to win." 

4. I don't know why they put comedy and musical together. It's the strangest pairing. Poor comedy rarely has a chance against a big sweeping musical and this year was no different. Les Mis took out every funny entry. I haven't seen this movie yet, but the previews make me cry so I'm positive I will love this one. I'm hoping to sneak out later this week during the school day so I can sit in a theater by myself and sing and sob all at the same time.

5. When picking the animation winner, always bet on Disney. Helllooooo . . . what is the first name you think of when you think animated movies? "Brave" was the only movie I saw in this category and I have to say I was disappointed in this one. How did I miss that three quarters of this movie was about a girl and a bear?? I never once saw a bear in the previews. I appreciated that she was a strong heroine who didn't need rescuing and instead spent her time working out her issues with her mom, but I thought this one was boring. Good thing the animation was beautiful so I had something to enjoy. Because "Brave" won this category and is considered the "best," I'm not sure I want to see any of the others now.

6. Ugly crying and uncomfortable nudity always win. This is why two of my favorite shows won quite a bit last night. "Homeland" (is there ever an episode where Carrie doesn't lose it?) and "Girls" (Lena Dunham is not afraid to let it all hang out and have awkward sex). I love Lena, but it was like a knife in my heart when she said that Tina and Amy got her through "middle school." WTF is that, Lena? Ouch, little girl. You don't call out the Colonel like that. Be warned, though, she will come back one day and win - when she is a saucy dame. Saucy dame beats uncomfortable nudity every time.

7. If Jodie Foster gets the Cecil B. DeMille Award then I am old. In case Lena Dunham didn't make me feel old enough, giving Jodie Foster a Lifetime Achievement Award did me in. Remember when they used to give those to old people? People who needed canes and walkers to get on stage? Jodie looked fantastic for 50 and I think she came out of the closet, but then she said she's been out for years. I missed the memo on that one. I think she also retired from acting. I couldn't follow. Maybe she was drunk? Her speech wasn't any stranger than Kevin Costner's. What was that all about? I think he might be suicidal. Someone should check on him today. All I know is if Jodie is happy, then I'm happy.

8. If the Oscars snubbed someone that Hollywood likes, the Golden Globes will make it right. Did you see how many times "Argo" won last night? That was the Golden Globes saying a big old F-you to the Oscars. But the Oscars just laughed and said, Please. We're the old dame, bitch.

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter on Oscar night!

Weekly Wrap Up 1.12.13

The new Pinterest board I started last week is really going well. Do you follow me on Pinterest yet? What are you waiting for? It's ah-MAY-zing. Seriously, Pinterest is great. I pin funny stuff. I pin recipes I'll never make. I pin crafts I've made with my kids. I pin books I want to read. My new board is all about bloggers I like. I've invited a bunch that I read and I've opened it to the public. Anyone can join - let me know if you want in. I figure it's an easier way to keep track of blogs without overwhelming my Google Reader, plus this way I can share them with my Pinterest followers.

I'm having a Twitter party this Sunday. Actually, every Sunday. Every Sunday night at 9 PM EST log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch. It's a fun time with a bunch of hysterical people chatting about absolute nonsense. For those of you who are worried Twitter moves too fast, etc. You're right. It does. However, you get better at it the more you do it. I can actually keep up with half the conversation now and I can last an hour before my head explodes. This Sunday I'm shooting for an hour and a half.


Top Read Posts This Week:

People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook - We are all guilty of it, just some more than others.

The Best Wedding Present I Received - I'm pretty sure my grandma went to a sex shop for my gift.

Would This Happen at Target? - Only Wally World has these kinds of problems.

Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party - Yes, there's another stupid trend in parties.

I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome - I'm being held captive, but I think I'm in love with my captor.

Book Update:

Sales of my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat are still going strong. I think my suggestion of making this book a Valentine's Day present is starting to sink in with the husbands and boyfriends who read this blog. Trust me, fellas, your girls are going to love this book.

If you have read the book and you haven't already left me a review on Amazon I would greatly appreciate it. 

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

This is awesome! My focus is on Joni. I need her to replace a few of my facebook friends, please. Some of my people get uptight when I share an ecard with the word 'hell' or 'damn', I can not even think of sharing anything with 'fuck'....damnit. If a vibrator discussion showed up I think there would be some deaths among my facebook friends. So yeah, I need her! My MIL gave me lingerie, fairly conservitive - appropriate. It was not weird, like your thing. LOL! Devan on The Best Wedding Present I Received

This sex kit has been passed around for years and then your cousin finally cracked it open. Hmm.. I wonder if edible underwear has an expiration date... on The Best Wedding Present I Received

I'd like to add people who overshare their medical problems to the list. I have a friend who feels the need to not only tell us all about her medical problems(and they are extensive)but also posts pictures of her open wounds and xrays.I had to take her off my feed because I never knew when a gross picture would pop up and make me throw up in my mouth a little. I'd love to unfriend her because she is a whole bag of drama,but she's also my next door neighbor and our kids play together. At least she's stopped coming over to tell me her problems in person since her claustrophobia has kicked in. onPeople Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook

I do it all the time. Most people hate me. I'm ok with that. on People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook

I'm totally guilty of number 1 which seems to occur fairly frequently as I have 6 kids. I mentor (and have as friends on facebook) a number of university students so I rationalize my vomit posts by saying they're reminding these women to use birth control. on People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook

I really think you need to have an IUD ultrasound party. When's your birthday? I'll start working on the invitations. on Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party

Since I don't plan on having kids, I'm feeling kind of shafted over here with these party ideas. Can I have an MRI party every time they scan my brain? We can all eat brain-shaped jello. I'll have to remember this when I have my first colonoscopy too. I'll be serving laxative-laced brownies and we can all have a race to the toilet. Loser is on clean-up duty. So many possible party games! on Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party

Is the new game "Guess How Dilated"? on Anyone Who Throws an Ultrasound Party

I was infatuated with you at Christmas Elf. Then I have to admit, I moved on to other blog crushes, then to self satisfying myself with my own blog. This post made me fall back in Blog Love with you, the second I saw this thumbnail pic.WHY?? Well, because I too have drawn on steamy shower doors. I actually spelled out what your finger is saying. My hubs wanted to have a talk about the budget while I was shampooing. That deserves a big F U! (Or punch) Thanks for writing this post. It could not have come at a better time, as husband annoyance around the house is a big one for me. How can a 2 story house give you no where to hide? Great Post Jen! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I just recently started following your stuff and love it great job!! This quote you made is hilarious!!! We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell! After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard. I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up. The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins. I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing." I am going to find a way to pin it :)) on 50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

Hello Jen- I LOVE YOU!! Totally in a non stalker fashion. I am a therapist who works with teens. I think you are genius. Thank God for you. I love to laugh, good grammar and "real" content. Thank you from the bottom of my heart :) on Contact Me

I had to read this post one more time as I am headed to my date with Don Wand as well. And then had the thought that maybe, just maybe, I should relax and enjoy it since its the most action I get every 3-6 months since possibly 2006:) Thanks for the laughs!! on At Least Get to Know Me Before You Stick Me With That Thing





Would This Happen at Target?

As if you need another reason to dread visiting Wal-Mart now you need to be wary of crazy people running you down in the parking lot!

Have you heard this story yet? OK, so a teenage girl was shopping with a friend who is a new mom or is pregnant (I've read varying reports). The parking lot was very full, so when she saw a spot, the girl (not the pregnant/new mom one, but the other) hopped out to stand in it while her pregnant/new mom friend circled around. While she waited for her friend to circle around a woman came by with her big ass SUV and told the girl to move. The girl explained she was holding it for a friend with a baby. SUV lady didn't give a shit. She just hit the gas and rolled on in! The girl jumped out of the way at the last minute, but not before she got tire tread marks on jeans!

But wait, the story gets even better! After the girl is allegedly struck by the car, it comes out that the driver is a member of the school board of the district that she attends!

Now, in the past I have railed against punk ass kids, but this girl doesn't sound like one. It sounds like she was just trying to help her friend and just about got mowed over for doing so. This sounds like a grown ass woman bullying (and attempting to maim, if not kill) a young girl because she thought she could get away with it.

WTF is wrong with SUV lady? Who does this? Who rolls up in a giant car and tells a teenager to move it or lose it? Assholes. That's who. Assholes who think their need for a new tube of toothpaste is more important than someone else's need for a roll of toilet paper.

I haven't heard her excuse yet, but I'm sure it's a good one. She can say whatever she wants, but I've seen the video and it's disturbing. She can try temporary insanity or whatever. It's a stressful time of the year, every one has holiday blues, blah, blah, blah. I call bullshit. This woman is a megalomaniac who thought she could push around a kid and no one would care or believe the kid if she told on her.

Lucky for the teenage girl, the entire episode was caught on a surveillance camera.

Weekly Wrap Up 1.5.13

The first week of the new year! Happy 2013 everyone!

If You Don't Read Anything Else at Least Read This Section:

Yesterday I asked readers on my Facebook page to send me links to their favorite funny bloggers. I got tons of responses. I am still sifting through them. The good news is I already read a lot of them, so it was nice to see some "familiar" faces. If you have more, keep telling me about them.

I've started a new Pinterest board this week. Do you follow me on Pinterest yet? What are you waiting for? It's ah-MAY-zing. Seriously, Pinterest is great. I pin funny stuff. I pin recipes I'll never make. I pin crafts I've made with my kids. I pin books I want to read. My new board is all about bloggers I like. I've invited a bunch that I read and I've opened it to the public. Anyone can join - let me know if you want in. I figure it's an easier way to keep track of blogs without overwhelming my Google Reader, plus this way I can share them with my Pinterest followers.

I'm having a Twitter party this Sunday. Actually, every Sunday. Every Sunday night at 9 PM EST log on to Twitter and look for me @throat_punch or follow #spikedpunch. It's a fun time with a bunch of hysterical people chatting about absolute nonsense. For those of you who are worried Twitter moves too fast, etc. You're right. It does. However, you get better at it the more you do it. I can actually keep up with half the conversation now and I can last an hour before my head explodes. This Sunday I'm shooting for an hour and a half.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Kimye is Having a Baby!!! - I don't know if you've heard or not, but Kimye (Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) are having a baby. I know it hasn't received much media coverage, I mean there wasn't one "Breaking News" report or anything! (It's as if the world couldn't care less!) This was like a New Year's Miracle for me. Christmas had been so touchy feely and not much going on in the way good celebridiot news so when I saw this I was ecstatic. It's good to be back in the land of snark. I can't wait for eight more months of listening to this waste of space complain that pregnancy is "hard" and "not fun." This one got picked up by the Huffington Post this week.

I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome - It was such a relief to see how many women felt exactly the same way I did. Who knew? It was good for the Hubs to see too and realize that I'm not crazy.

My 2013 Resolutions - I wrote some resolutions last week and so far, so good. I've hung up my coat once and I worked out with Kris. Killing 2013!

Rules for Parents of Daughters - This post is right around a year old now, but every few months it has a resurgence on Pinterest and spikes for a bit. It's a fun list that I wrote with Adolpha in mind.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - This one has great tips for posing your Elf next year.

Book Update:

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat has been doing great! Here is my favorite review on Amazon this week:


5.0 out of 5 stars Not pretentiousDecember 29, 2012
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat (Kindle Edition)
Love Jen's blog and the book didn't let me down. I've never written a review, but I am doing it for Jen. I finished another blogger 's book before reading this one and it felt like a brag book about her kids, her sex life, and her yoga and running abilities. This read was a breath of fresh air complete with honest criticisms of herself and others and fun stories I can relate to, with a few potty words I never use but think often. Thanks Jen for keeping it real.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):

Everyone needs alone time. Go to the library or something. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Ironically, I tried to go to the library on Thursday. The Hubs joined me. He did let me sit at a table by myself and write though. Baby steps.

Thankfully my creeper, I mean husband, doesn't follow me around. But I get incessant questions when I'm more than 2 feet away. What are you doing? Aren't you gonna watch this movie with me? Want me to rub your feet? Come snuggle. Argh! I need some space, too. Or a bottle of wine. I'm not picky. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

OK, here is a perfect example of the grass being greener in someone else's stalker relationship. The Hubs could be with me all the time if he offered to rub my feet. I just want a good foot massage but he thinks my feet are stinky - even after a shower. 

hmm... curious what the Hubs had to say about this post. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Good question. The thing you must understand about the Hubs is he the type of person who has absolutely no problem laughing at himself. When he first started irritating me that day I threatened him that I would "put it on the blog" thinking that the idea of public humiliation might rein him in. Instead, I think he actually stepped up the annoying behavior, because he started going through the archives and was really pleased to see how many times he's been "punched" on here. He feels a little famous. After I wrote the post in my fit of anger I calmed down a few hours later and asked him to read it to make sure it wasn't too mean. He laughed his ass off and told me he "loved it" (and me and then asked if we could go grocery shopping together and both push the cart).

I get what you're saying. I've been there in the past. But PLEASE count your blessings! My husband died in a motorcycle accident over four years ago... and I'd give just about anything to have him at home, bugging me. just sayin' :) on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I'm sorry for your loss. I count my blessings every day. I know there isn't another man on this planet who could put up with the bullshit that is Jen and I know that without the Hubs I wouldn't be able to accomplish half of the things I have.  

2013 resolution #2 success! Nothing says "I love you" like a steamy, suggestive obscenity! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Holy Fuck bomb batman! My husband just returned to work yesterday after a two week break and when he called to see if I missed him I honestly had to tell him, "Ummm...not really. It has been quite nice. Plus, the house is so much cleaner without you here." I'm dreading retirement! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I think if the Hubs was an ice road trucker and was gone for months at a time I would miss him, but when he runs out for half an hour to get his hair cut I barely have time to notice he's gone.

I'm sending this to my husband because you've written what I haven't had the balls to talk about: he needs to BACK OFF! I left the other day and he said he didn't like how the house felt without me in it; "it's lonely." I was at the grocery store, loser. Cripe. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I actually have tears coming down my face from laughing so much. Tell your hubs I'm emailing this post to a few friends, so your stats will go up ;) Maybe that'll get him off your back for 2 minutes. Just maybe. on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

He says it wasn't enough. You need to mail it to ten more friends.

Holy crap, I can relate. I'm still really young and engaged, so not yet married. But he always loves to be together and doesn't like for me to run errands alone, and I am 100% certain I have not showered by myself since we started dating. Do you know how irritating that can be with two water hogs? It sucks like ass, let me tell you. One day he was just driving me batshit crazy. So, looking for some advice, I turn to my grandma who was married to my papa for a long time and cared for him as he passed away. I said "grandma, is this what its like to have a husband?" Bless her heart, she took me around the shoulders and laughed in my face. She said, "marriage is being with someone you want to murder, but not doing it because you'd miss them too much. That's the key, if you'd miss them, then you have a working marriage." Right on lol on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

Your grandma is a genius and I'm glad she told it to you straight. Congrats!

That is f-ing hysterical! My husband is home now too. I homeschool my 13 yr old. There are just too many people in this house! He always complained that he didn't have time to hunt and fish. Now he has the time but doesn't go! I love the picture! on I Think I Have Stockholm Syndrome

I think my kids went back to school at just the right moment this week, because I was working on a follow up post tentatively titled "Why I Will Never Fucking Homeschool My Children." You are made of tougher material than I. 

I snorted when I read "Hang up my coat and/or drink more water" - now there's a resolution I can keep. on My 2013 Resolutions

I must admit to you that I read every blog you post, but you have so many comments by the time I read, that I just figure you'll never even see my comment and it'll get lost in a sea of comments. I read and love all of your blog posts but that's my reasoning for not commenting. However, knowing that you DO read all comments, I resolve to comment on each post. That is a resolution that won't be too hard to keep. That and drinking more water. That should be easy. :) on My 2013 Resolutions

I am exactly like Teri Biebel!! haha By the time I want to comment there is like tons already and I always feel like it gets lost in the sea too! hahahha, but anyway, I don't ever do resolutions not sure why guess cause I know I'll never keep them, as it is I can't even remember things I said 5 mins ago lol. But today I will make three I know for sure I'll keep! One is to continue to tell the kids how much I love them, two is to continue my Catholic faith, and three is to comment on your posts just like Teri haha. I'll fallow you on twitter as well! and hehe I'll be sure to request your book for my birthday :D as I've been wanting it soon as I discovered you! lol. Anywho, thank you soo much for all your inspiration and for letting me know there are truly other mothers out there that are seeing the world as I am. Can't tell you how sick I've been seeing all these "perfect" mothers of two :/. But yea so glad to have met you :)) and glad to meet all your fallowers!! I am Nicki from Ca. on My 2013 Resolutions

Teri and Nicki, Just know that I read all of my comments and I am so happy when I see them come through. I love you. Thank you for commenting.

I've never been so proud to have someone steal my resolution!! I love you Jen! on My 2013 Resolutions

It's a sad day when I have to resort to stealing, but I had no other choice, it was perfect for me.

Does hanging your coat over the handle of your stroller count? on My 2013 Resolutions

Yes. In fact, I should dig out our stroller just so I can hang up my coat, because right now it's draped over the dining room chair and that doesn't count. 

I resolved to never make resolutions since they used to revolve around weight loss and being a nicer person-- fuck that. I'm still a fat bitch so we see how well THAT turned out. But this year I will seriously consider these: 1. Conquering Twitter with you. 2. *Try* to comment more on the blogs I read (hey, look at me! Commenting and shit! Go me!) and 3. Write more often for my own blog. They can't all be Pulitzers, ya know? p.s. I love you, too. ;) on My 2013 Resolutions

Why the fuck would anyone every want to swear less? Speaking without swearing is like cooking without spices. Oh, and I can help you out with number seven. :) on My 2013 Resolutions

My resolution is to go to Ikea and spend lots of money on storage shit so I can get my house organized. (Because that's easier than resolving to not be a hoarder). on My 2013 Resolutions

Mine too! Too bad Kansas is not getting an Ikea until 2014. Until then I'll live like a hoarder and just peruse the catalog and plan my escape from clutter.

On the View (can barely stomach that show, but saw a clip), they asked her that since she gave Kanye a Lamborghini, what has he given her. She replied that he gives her his support. What a bunch of dill holes! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

This post right here? This is why I am so eager to read your blog every day! Love this! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

Now this is the PIWTPITT that I know and love! on Kimye is Having a Baby!!!

I've been at work all day and just needed a little pick-me-up from the office blues... so I started reading some back entries of your blog and when I got to the IN MY SLEEP! part I busted out laughing so hard, thank God no one was around to hear. This is exactly what I needed after a stressful Friday! on Week 7 of My Transformation - The Dirty 30


Anyone Else Falling Apart Or Is It Just Me?

So I'm pretty sure I'm going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep fro...