PIWTPITT Road Trip 2012 - The Road to Pimpdom

Today is a busy day for the fam.  We are getting ready to hit the road tomorrow.  We've decided to take The Badass Minivan on a road trip.  (A lot of you are new and have no idea why I'm putting so much emphasis on my vehicle - read here to catch up.)  The SAV (Suburban Assault Vehicle) has done nicely getting me to and from the movies, the pool and various playdates, but now I'm ready to test it out on the open road.


I won't say where I'm going...yet.  I will say it's a long ride and I'm glad the minivan has a cooler for juice pouches - I just wish it had an onboard bathroom too.

We leave at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow (in this house that means 8ish) and I'll be on Twitter all day giving live updates.  Be sure to click here and follow me on Twitter so you can be in the know.

Since I will be in the front seat and won't be able to watch "Chipwrecked" two times in a row on the wide screen in the back, I'll be entertaining myself on Twitter all the way to my destination:

I'll be giving clues as to where we're going - I'm going some place where it's illegal to tease skunks.

I'll play "Name that Song" with my favorite 80s station on the XM Radio - Darken the city, night is a wire/Steam in the subway, earth is a afire

I will tweet stupid shit the Hubs says when he's driving, like this gem - "You fell asleep and I got lost.  It's your fault. You should have been awake to tell me where to go."  (Luckily, we have built in GPS this time around.)

Adolpha and Gomer updates - "Are we there yet?", "I'm hungry.", "I need a bathroom.", "Mommy, are you blogging about us again?"

And of course, I'll be pimping out shit the whole way:  what I love about the 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite (it's more than just a pretty cup holder), my favorite blog posts from my archives, my favorite blog posts of other blogs I read, and of course, a question and answer time with me and the Hubs.

So do yourself a favor and clear your schedule now and be sure to follow me on Twitter for 8 hours of non stop, action packed, amazing and unpredictable exciting self promotion and pimpage unlike you have ever seen before (and, oh yeah, don't forget to follow the repeat on the journey home).  

Open Letter to Elizabeth Lloyd

If you missed this story, read about it here.  I had to write a letter to this Asshat.

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been hearing a lot about you lately.  Don't worry, I assure you, none of it's good.  I've been hearing about the fact that you've decided to bring several lawsuits against a little kid who hit you with a ball at a Little League game.  People feel very strongly about this fact and I've come to realize the general consensus is that everyone thinks you're a piece of shit.


Wow.  What do you think of that?  Do you think the public is being too harsh on your behavior?  I don't know.  So far, I haven't found out much about you.  All I know is that you chose to sit at a picnic table near a bullpen, got hit in the face, may or may not (depending on the account) required surgery to fix your face and then you thought it was a good idea to sue a child for $500,000.  Yeah, you sound like a twat.


If you ask me, the worst one in this whole mess is your stupid fucking husband who has joined in on the suit and is now suing for "loss of consortium."  Basically, your husband is suing because he hasn't been getting much since the accident and he blames the kid too.  


Ha!  If this accident caused your disinterest in "consortium" then half the husbands I know should sue their own kids!  I may not have gotten hit in the face with a baseball, but after a long day of wrangling kids, answering unending questions, listening to made up knock knock jokes, wiping poopy bottoms, getting hundreds of drinks and fighting invisible closet monsters, I too am disinterested in "consortium."  I guess my husband should sue our kids for his "loss of consortium."  Is your attorney available?  I think he might be just the moron to take the case. 

Seriously, I cannot tell you how much you and your lawsuit disgusts me.  I am so sick and tired of people like you (and your dipshit husband and the asshole attorney who took on your bogus case) who sue over the dumbest shit.  You are the worst kind of person.  You are the type of person who takes absolutely no responsibility for your actions.  You are the type of asshole who would sue a city because you fell off the curb while walking and texting.    

Because of people like you scooters need warnings on them.

Look, I can sympathize that you got hit in the face with a ball.  I'm sure it hurt.  I'm sure it did some damage, but come on.  How hard could he have thrown it?  He was 11.  You probably got a black eye and maybe a broken nose.  I hardly doubt you needed multiple reconstructive surgeries or whatever you're claiming.  (You're not the lady who had her face eaten off by her friend's chimpanzee.)  People get hit with balls all the time.  It happens.  You were at a ball field where little kids were throwing balls.  You have to assume there is some risk when you walk into that ball park.  


Maybe I'm the idiot.  Maybe I'm leaving money on the table every day.  Instead of fighting against asshats like you, I should be joining.  Let's see.  What could I sue for?


My imaginary lawsuits:  

My kid fell at a soccer game and broke her arm.  I should probably sue the two 4 year olds who tripped her, the manufacturer of the ball she was kicking, the fields she was playing on and Gatorade just for good measure (she drank a little Gatorade before the game and it might have upset her ability to run and kick and dodge other preschoolers effectively).  


Yesterday I went to the movies with my kid.  A baby cried during the entire movie.  Yes, it was the dollar-special-summer-kids-movie completely designed and marketed to kids, but still.  That baby disrupted my viewing pleasure.  I think I should sue the baby and the theater and Pixar for not making the sound loud enough to cover a baby's cries.


A teenager at the pool broke my friend's pool noodle.  That noodle was a special toy for her daughter and her daughter was devastated when it broke.  My friend offered to buy another $3 noodle, but her daughter couldn't be assuaged.  My friend should sue that teenager for mental anguish and the pool noodle people for making such a shoddy product.


All of these imaginary lawsuits seem dumb, but the sad thing is, if people like you continue to sue over ridiculous things these won't be imaginary.  


I hope you lose your suits and I hope the judge orders you to pay all the defense costs for the boy and his family.  I hope the judge bans you from attending any and all sporting events where a ball might accidentally hit you.  I hope the judge requires you to spend some time with people who are truly injured - people who have lost limbs and eyes in real accidents so you can see what that looks like.    


I also hope you trip off your own front porch and wreck your new nose and you've got no one to sue but yourself.


Oh and one more thing, please let your husband know that Lubriderm is on sale this week at Costco.  I suggest he get some, it might help with his...needs.


Jen

Weekly Wrap Up 6.23.12

What a week!  I got home from camp with the kids and went straight into a week of swimming lessons.  Every time I take my kids to swimming lessons, I think of Stephenie Meyer saying how she wrote Twilight during her kids' swimming lessons...she must be a very fast writer (or her kids are slow learners) because I could barely get a to-do list written! 


Thursday night was a lot of fun and I've heard from several of you that you had fun too.  Be sure to let us know how your event went, we're all curious.  If you want to continue to keep up with one another and plan an another event, the best place to do that is the PIWTPITT Message Boards.  Check them out here.


I'm still hearing that many of you aren't getting me in your Facebook feeds anymore.  The easiest fix for that is to subscribe here at the blog or follow me on Twitter.

Top Read Posts This Week:


Look What Honda Sent Me - Yup, Honda sent me a minivan. It's still in the driveway tonight. I love how it looks there. My kids just want to move in and sleep in it. We're going to take it on a road trip next week, so that way the Hubs can fall in love with it too.

Making the Bus Monitor Cry - By now everyone has seen the video of Karen and the fucking twerps that abused her. Everyone went all fire and brimstone on these kids and I decided I'd rather go a different route. I sat down with the Hubs and we actually wrote this one together (unbelievable) and imagined what we WISHED Karen could have said to those little dickheads. I know she would have been fired if she'd even remotely tried to call them dipshits, but it's fun to dream. She could have at least called the cops. I'm pretty sure I would have done that.  Let the cops escort those fuckers home, because whatever a bus monitor is paid isn't enough to deal with those delinquents.

Tonight's the Night - The first PIWTPITT Friend's Party! It happened. Tell me how your city did. Did you meet anyone? Kansas City had about 16 people show up. We had a really fun time. I think the person who came the furthest was the lady from Beijing. Seriously. This is a funny story. I drove my friend Amy and her friend Meredith in the minivan to the party. We were parking and Amy and Meredith were admiring the minivan and all of its luxe features when a woman came up to me and said, "You're Jen, aren't you?" Ack! My first new potential friend! "Yessss..." I replied. "I knew it! Since you were talking about minivans, I figured it had to be you," she said.  


She then proceeded to tell us that she was in town for 2 days looking at houses because her family was moving from Beijing. Her friend in Beijing is a super fan and begged this woman to go to the party and meet me. So she dragged her husband and her child to this restaurant just so she could say hello and tweet her friend that she was there with me. My head was spinning. After some small talk (and me trying to sell myself as her Realtor, which she politely declined assuring me she had one - damn!!) she went to have dinner with her family. Pretty soon, she popped over to our table and said her husband told he would eat with the kid so she could hang with us. Kick ass, husband!!  

Father's Who Won't Change Diapers - This was a repost from the olden days, but still relevant. Sounds like there are a lot of great dads out there who are pulling their weight in the diaper duty department. Great!

Mini Me - Another conversation between Adolpha and Gomer that only proves to me that Adolpha is going to be a handful very soon.

New Posts for Babble This Week:


Are Helpful Men Creepy? - A friend told me about a man offering to help her and her children and she freaked out and called him creepy. WTH?

My Little Fashion Plate Designed Her Own Clothes - I insulted the quality of a company's product and so they sent me a gift card so that I could eat crow. I ate crow and it was delicious.

Can Bullies be Bullied? - A teacher in Texas got fired because she let the class hit the bully.

I Went on a Blind Date to Find a Friend - Why I almost didn't go to the PIWTPITT party.

10 Funny (Mom) Blogs You Should Read Today - I was surprised to hear that an advertiser said that he didn't know humor blogs existed. Hellooooo. So I decided to put together a list of some of the funniest women I know and share it with everyone. A note to advertisers: We are funny and we have fabulous funny readers who like to buy your shit.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):

Thankfully I married a guy who has no problem changing diapers. I hate the douchey dads who say that they are "babysitting" their own damn kids. You're not babysitting....you're being a responsible parent!! on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

I worked with a lady whose husband wouldn't change diapers. There were a couple of times where he stayed home with a sick kid and he would bring them to our office so his wife would change the diaper. No joke! on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

I love your a man changing diapers is sexy logic. What else can we get the men to do by convincing them they are sexy doing it? Mopping floors is HOT! Scrubbing a toilet will earn you a BJ. I will show you something new if you clean the garage. Things could get interesting. on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

Sounds like Dad needs a blog of his own! A family who blogs together tells the world to fuck off together. on Happy Father's Day!

I keep telling him.

Love it... Want it... but my Little Bag of Crap can't be white because it has to live on the floor of my mini van for weeks at a time!-Steph on You're Going to Want This Stuff 

Surely it can be washed?

I overheard my daughter scolding her younger brother, 4 and 5 respectively, "if you ever do that again no more playing, no more toys, and no more water!" What? No water? I can assure you that I have never threatened my children with dehydration! on Mini Me

AWESOME. I knew I'd reached a new chapter in my life when I started commenting on how "cool" the new Odysseys were when each new model came out (the newest being, by far, the coolest). I *love* my Odyssey, something I never imagined I'd say about a minivan. But seriously, I'm wondering if I'll ever drive anything else - even when the kids eventually fly the nest. Enjoy - you won't want to give it back. I guarantee it. Those slidey doors are enough to seal the deal. No, wait, the DVD player with the headphones that allow the kids to watch movies and you to still listen to the radio are sheer genius. on Look What Honda Sent Me

I succumbed to the minivan long ago (kicking and screaming). But my newest one, 2011 tricked out T&C is like a mobile living room. I am driving all over the country (final stop, KC, btw) and it is a smooooottthhhhhh ride. The kids barely spoke out loud in 10 hours yesterday. Two screens (dvd on one, PlayStation on the other). ipod/ds charging (love that little outlet). I turn up some Eminem and drive like a gangsta filming an Imported from Detroit commercial. Badass. on Look What Honda Sent Me

MCC? it's okay, but I prefer Suburban Assault Vehicle. (I am totally jealous of the 15 cupholders, though!) on Look What Honda Sent Me

Here in Utah we call them Mormon Assault Vehicles. :) I don't want one...but I am kind of jello that you get to try one out for two weeks. on Look What Honda Sent Me

Now that all these vehicles come with so many drink holders, they need to start putting potties in them. If I have that many drinks in my car, (almost 2 per person, I will surely be asking for extra potty stops! on Look What Honda Sent Me

Well... check you out! What next? Why Tina Fey, of course! on Look What Honda Sent Me

LOL! I like how all the pissed off people post their comments anonymously. I have to admit... I'm guilty of being a tad OAM on occasion and my sister says the visor I wear is douchey. I am lucky enough to have a sister to call me out on my behavior. Everyone should be so lucky. Funny stuff! I love your husband's response! Chill out people. on Douchey Dads

Making the Bus Monitor Cry - Karen Klein

This is a guest post and co written by me and the Hubs.  Can you guess which ones are mine? Enjoy!

Like all of you I was mesmerized yesterday watching the bus monitor lady get verbally berated by a bunch of punks. I watched the video and of course I wanted to rant and rave against these little shits, but could I really attack middle school kids? I decided to take the high road and avoid it completely.


Click here for the video if you did not see it.



Until this morning.

I watched the video again and I was just amazed at how Karen Klein sat there and took that assault. Of course she couldn't bitch slap each of those kids or punch them in the throat (literally), but she could have at least defended herself.

This is all in fun, so laugh because it's a joke...sort of.

Here's what I wish Karen Klein had said to those little fuckers:

Kid: Hey Karen, you're a fat ass.
Karen: Your dad doesn't complain about my fat ass when I sit on his face. Loser.

Kid: Where did you get that purse, Karen?
Karen: From your mother's closet, you little dumbass. She said you gave it to her for Mother's Day, but she hates you and your crappy gifts. You little Douche Canoe.

Kid: Where do you live, Karen? I want to go and pee on your door.
Karen: That'll be great. Let me know when you're coming so I can take some bath salts and eat your face off.  You ignorant troll.

Kid: I want to take a crap in your mouth, Karen.
Karen: You must have learned that from your mom, because she's always begging me to take a crap in HER mouth.  Butt face.

Kid: You're so sweaty, Karen.
Karen: Yeah, I'm sweaty. Because that's how your mom likes me to taste. Penis breath.

Kid: You're so poor, Karen.
Karen: Oh yeah? That video's going on Youtube tonight and I'm gonna make half a million dollars.  I'll be able to retire in style, but you will always be ugly and stupid.  There's no changing that.

I also think there should be a public caning of these asshole kids. There is really nothing that can take this back, but there should be some sort of repercussions for these little jerks.

This is terrible situation and everyone is outraged. One good thing that has happened to Karen is that there was an incredible out pouring of support and even a donation page to send her on a vacation. They were trying to raise $5,000, and guess what? After this went viral, her donation page has raised almost $600,000. Now she can retire in style and get away from puck ass kids like these.

http://www.indiegogo.com/loveforkarenhklein

PS. I hope this post finds its way to Karen so she can have a good laugh.

Tonight's the Night


Tonight, tonight, da, da, da, da, da, daaaaa.  (I'm singing here.  Can't you tell?)

Tonight's the night, girls.  Tonight is the night you're going to meet your newest BFF or a potential stalker.  Either way, it's going to kick ass because you won't have to put the kids to bed and you can have a cocktail or a Coke with a group of women that have a sense of humor.

Who's going?  I think there will be about 20 in the Kansas City "Donner Party."  That's what our reservation is under.  We think it will keep the kitchen staff moving quickly with our orders.

I can't guarantee much about tonight, but I can guarantee that you will have a laugh.  I promised you some mixers to get the party started and here they are:

1.  If you could be any animal - what would you be and why?  (Correct answer:  Koala, rarrr.)

2.  What is the most inappropriate gift a guy ever gave you?  (Correct answer:  Tampax for your big menses.)

3.  What is an "In the Butt Bag"?  Follow up extra extra bonus question:  What act must you perform to get a bag from Marshalls?  (Correct answer:  Half-hearted handjob during Letterman.)

(If the mood gets dull, say "fuck it" and then pull out your phone and read Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies out loud to the group.)

Tomorrow I'd love to see some pics and hear the best answers to the mixer questions.  I've created areas on the PIWTPITT message boards, so log in and share.

If you've read this far and you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.  Read this post that started it all:  

I know this will be hard for many of you to believe, but I don't have many friends.  (This is where you say, Duh!)

I have many acquaintances, but not too many close friends.  It's hard for me to find people who I can stand to be around and who can stand to be around me.

The other night the Hubs and I were lamenting that summer is coming and we don't have anyone to play with other than our 2 or 3 friends who we probably overwhelm and drown with attention.  We realized we probably need another friend or two to take some of the heat before we run off the few we actually have.

(Actually, the Hubs doesn't give a shit.  He'd be happy to hang out with me all day.  Awww.  Blech.  No offense to the Hubs, but I need more than him.  I need some social interaction and not with a bunch of douchey dads or Dolce moms.)

So I'm on the hunt for another friend or two.  I don't think it's going to be easy.  I am no peach.  I get it.  A lot of the reason I don't have many close friends is because I am a fairly crappy friend.  I'm going to be honest with you.  I tend to forget important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, scheduled surgeries, lunch dates, etc.  I have great intentions to call and catch up with my friends more than once a month, but I blink and suddenly it's been 3 months and then I think, Eh, if she wanted to talk to me, she would have called me.  We must not be as close as I thought.  I would love to have my friends over for a meal, but I'm a terrible cook and it would just be better for everyone if we went out for a meal.  I have a sense of humor that can be tough to accept.  I show I love my friends by teasing them and not everyone can take a good teasing.  I'm getting better at this and I've figured out who can take it and who can't and I'm dialing it down, but it's still hard for me to remember.

Sometimes it's like grade school all over again and trying to find someone you enjoy eating lunch with.  I'd just like to find a friend (or two) who has these qualities:

1.  Be real.  That's all I want.  Just be real.  Just be yourself, even if yourself is annoying, I'll respect you and like you for being yourself.

2.  Be able to laugh.  A lot.  Laugh at yourself, laugh at people around you, laugh at situations you find yourself in, laugh your ass off at me.  Just laugh.  I can't tell you how many women I've met lately who are afraid to laugh.  They smile a bit, but no one guffaws anymore.  Not even a chortle.

You gotta just let it go.  If you think something is funny, I want to hear your donkey bray laugh and your snort.  I'd love a good coffee spray.

3.  Be spontaneous.  I'm not the best at this, but I'd like to get better, so I figure if I find a friend who is spontaneous, you'll force me to be too.  It doesn't have be a Thelma & Louise-style cross country excursion, it can just be Let's grab some dinner and hit the park in an hour or Let's go get pedicures tomorrow.

4.  Be accepting.  I am who I am.  I can't change anymore than you can so I need you to accept me the way I am.

5.  Be a little crass.  I drop the F bomb like a truck driver and I think it's funny to talk about things like:   "Who would ever think it's a good idea to freeze their hand blown glass dildo?  They actually have to warn you about that?"

6.  Be confident.  We all have our down days where we need someone to give us a pep talk and that's fine, but I can't be friends with someone who is constantly down on herself, her marriage, her abilities, etc. and won't take the advice she gets when she asks for it.

7.  Be open.  I want to know you.  I want to know alllll about you.  I live for your dramas and I love to hear them over and over again.  (Seriously.)

8.  Be open and dramatic, but don't be crazy.  I don't know how else to say this.  I just don't want to ride the crazy train all the time.  I don't need a friend who is warm and friendly one minute and then cold and bitchy the next depending upon who she's hanging with at the time.  That's the kind of drama I don't want.

9.  Have a spouse the Hubs can play with.  It's much easier for me to sneak away for Girls' Night Out if he can have some friends to hang with too.

10.  This pretty much sums up my ideal friend:


11.  Be unique and interesting.  I don't know what exactly makes a person unique and interesting, but let's start with her being able to keep up her end of a conversation and it can't be about the weather.  I won't mind if all my friend can say is "I think the Kardashians are smart businesswomen."  I may disagree with her completely, but at least she has an opinion and I like that.  BTW my response to that statement would be, "Those women may run 'businesses,' but their entire business centers around staging fake, headline-grabbing relationships and being rewarded for leaking sex tapes and music videos that are sex tapes set to music.  I will call these girls and their Machiavellian mother many things, but busineswoman is not one of them."

I know I'm not alone with this lament.  I know there are some of you out there feeling the same way.  I've had some requests to help people connect with other PIWTPITT readers in their city.  If you're interesting in meeting some fellow punchies speak up in the comments and if there's enough interest, I'll designate a night in June as PIWTPITT Meet a New Friend Night.  If the Ya-Yas can do it, we surely can.

UPDATE:  I GOT SUCH AN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE THAT I'VE PICKED A DAY:  THURSDAY, JUNE 21.  I'VE STARTED MAKING EVENTS ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE, SO DON'T BE LEFT BEHIND.  CHECK AND SEE IF THERE IS A CITY NEAR YOU.  OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T BE AT ANY OF THESE, SO I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO BE IN CHARGE AND PICK A LOCATION AND TIME IN YOUR CITY.  PLEASE SEND ME AN EMAIL IF YOU CAN DO THAT.  

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR - THIS IS FOR LADIES ONLY.  THIS IS LADIES NIGHT.  GUYS, IF YOU WANT A NIGHT, GO PLAN IT ON THE HUBS' PAGE.  WOMEN NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH OTHER WOMEN.  WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR FELLAS.

Don't worry, guys, I'm not leaving you out.  If you want a Guys' Night Out, let The Hubs know and he'll hook you up.

Share this with a friend!

WANT TO GO, BUT YOU HAVEN'T RSVP'D YET?  NOT A PROBLEM.  CLICK HERE AND SEE IF YOUR CITY IS HAVING A PARTY.  RSVP NOW AND GO.

Mini Me

As you all know, my kids have funny conversations and last night was no different.

Last night, I was minding my own business when I overheard my kids arguing with one another.  I was about to step in and break it up when I realized it sounded vaguely familiar and instead I wrote it down:

Adolpha (with her bitty twins in a wagon):  Gomer I need you to go and watch the kids.

Gomer (playing with a ball):  I can't.  I'm busy.

Adolpha:  No you're not.

Gomer (continuing to toss the ball):  Yes I am.

Adolpha:  You're not doing anything important, now go watch those kids.

Gomer:  Ugh.

Adolpha:  They're your kids too, you know.  (Wow, have I ever said that?  I don't think so.  I don't think I've ever had to.)

Gomer:  Fine, fine, fine.  For how long?  (This is totally something the Hubs would say and heaven forbid if you're 10 minutes later than you thought you'd be.)

Adolpha:  I don't know - awhile.  (Yup.  Good move.  Never give an exact time frame.)

Gomer:  Well, when will you be back?

Adolpha:  I said I don't know.  You need to just watch them.

Gomer:  Well, where are you going?  Anywhere fun?  (The Hubs says this a lot too.  What difference does it make?  Like it's OK to be gone for a long time if I'm getting a root canal, but I can't be a long time if I'm going to dinner with a friend?) 

Adolpha:  What do you care?  I need your help.  Now.  Go.  Watch.  The.  Kids.

Gomer (putting down his ball and picking up one of the babies):  Fine.....

Me:  Gomer, you do realize those are dolls, right?

We're not real, Gomer.

I don't know if you heard that Honda sent over a minivan yesterday.  Well they did.  We're having a great time testing it out.  You guys, this thing is the bomb.  Today the kids are I are headed off to swimming lessons and I'm looking forward to putting the wireless headphones on them so I don't have to listen to their music.  Ahhhh....

Look What Honda Sent Me

You are not going to believe what showed up in my driveway today.  Go ahead, guess.  It starts with an M and ends with a VAN.

That's right, my new (tester) badass 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite minivan is sitting in my driveway as we speak.  That's right, they sent me the Elite.  No base model for me, thank you very much.  Honda spared no expense and wanted to make sure I get the whole Odyssey minivan experience, surrounded in superior quality and luxury.  This isn't your neighbor's minivan, people.  This minivan is like no other.   


Yeah, that's sitting in my driveway.

(For those of you who have just joined the blog and have no idea what I'm so excited about, please take a few minutes and read this.  It will catch you up on my minivan love.  Then read this and you'll understand why the nice people at Honda have sent me this van to try out.)

If you want the Cliff's Notes then here's the gist:

I said I have a secret passion for minivans and that I'd love to own one.  The Hubs thinks it's not a good fit for us since we only have 2 kids and he prefers for us to drive a smaller car with better gas mileage and no implied obligation of carpooling.  I told him I didn't care, I want the slidey doors and all the other features of my very own MCC (Mobile Command Center, for those of you who aren't in the know).  Honda read my post and contacted me.  I wrote them back.  We picked a date for a van to come and visit.  That date is today.  I get it for two weeks.

Yup!  I got a minivan.  True, I don't own it.  Honda is just loaning it to me for the next two weeks...I may not want to give it back in the end.  But still, it's pretty exciting for me.  Of course I've driven minivans before, but always when we were on vacation somewhere and I never really got the chance to enjoy it.  I was always looking for an exit on some unknown highway or keeping an eye out for the closest bathroom.  I'll finally get to drive a minivan in my day to day life and really be able to show the Hubs what a great fit it is for our family.

So, what this means is that for the next 2 weeks I will be pointing out just a few of the special features of this badass MCC while my kids jump out of the slidey doors like parachuters and we drive around the block one more time just so we can watch another movie on our wide screen DVD player and hold drinks in our 15 cupholders spaced nicely throughout the vehicle for optimal beverage holdage.

Just 4 of the 15 cupholders.  Route 44s anyone?

Oh, and I will be driving it to the PIWTPITT Kansas City Friend's Party on Thursday night, so if you want to see this badass MCC up close and personal, you should totally be there, but I won't be carpooling.  Even though the Hubs isn't going, it will still throw him if I start carpooling already.  We gotta start him off slow.

Disclaimer:  A big thank you to Honda for sending me a 2012 Odyssey Touring Elite to drive for the next 2 weeks and enjoy immensely.  And a special thank you to Sara - I hope you and the new addition to your family are getting some sleep!

My opinions are my own - you know how much I love these cars - I can't make this stuff up!  

Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

So, I was reading an article the other day about Mike Tyson and what a "great dad" he is.  Apparently Mike has something like 8 kids.  He's on his second or third wife and she was gushing to the media about what a great dad he is.  He does everything, everything!  EXCEPT change diapers.


Explain to me how that is being a "great dad."  A great dad is someone who shares in ALL the responsibilities - even the smelliest and nastiest ones.  Can't you just imagine Mike in his little, weird voice:  "Ooooh, stinky poo, I can't go near that!  Yuck.  I think I might throw up!"  This is a man who bit another man's ear off.  Yeah, 'cause that wasn't disgusting!  I will take a blow out that requires a full bath for me AND the kid before I'd ever put a sweaty, bloody ear in my mouth!

I began to wonder who else besides Mike doesn't change diapers.  I wasn't too surprised to find this douche bragging that he doesn't change diapers.  Never has, never will.  Of course, you all know how I feel about him.  Little Barron (I'm surprised Donald didn't name the kid Emperor) probably has a designated woman just for changing him.  I bet he even has a solid gold PeePee TeePee, engraved with his initials no less.

Unfortunately, after some digging, I found that even dads I like Gavin Rossdale, for instance, won't change diapers either!  He's even quoted as saying, "We've got good people" to do that sort of job.  Ick.  I'm so over you, Gavin.  You dick.

I also found out that famous men aren't the only ones who won't change a diaper.  According to a survey done by Pamper's a full 10% of men won't touch a diaper.  Are you kidding me?  What if you're the only one home with the baby?  (Yeah, right, if you won't change a diaper, you won't let the wife leave you home alone with the kids.)  You're just going to let her wallow in her own filth 'til Mommy comes home?  The sad thing is, after my own informal survey of friends and family, I've decided a lot of guys lied to Pampers.

Come on!  Where are the real men out there?  I know I'm married to one.  I know that my husband changed as many (he'll, of course, claim more) diapers as me on any day of the week.  He understood that by being involved in our children's lives (even in those stinky trenches) he was bonding with our kids and setting the foundation for a strong relationship with them in the future.  He also understood that we chose to have these kids TOGETHER.  We're a team.  We're not Fun Guy and Poop Scoop Girl.  We're mom and dad and we both take turns doing the crap jobs when it comes to raising our kids.

Luckily for Mike, Donald and Gavin, they can all afford "good people" to wipe their children's asses, but the rest of us don't have that luxury.  So moms need strong dads to stand up and say, "Here honey, I'll take a turn."  (Trust me, guys, you want to take a turn.  There's nothing sexier than a man who does laundry and changes dirty diapers.  It's like foreplay for us.)  Man up, dads!  Change a diaper and show your kids that you want to involved in ALL aspects of their lives AND show your wives how much you love them.

Me - In a Canoe With Gomer & Adolpha

Today was our last full day of camp.  We head back to civilization tomorrow and I've finally hit my stride.  Today I felt like SuperMom and when Gomer begged me to take him out in a canoe, I readily agreed.  I didn't stop for a moment to think that I know nothing about canoes.  That I can't paddle for shit or that the winds were blowing away from the dock today.  SuperMom kicked in and said, "Sure!  Let's do it!"  How hard could it be?  I thought.  Apparently, it's hard when you're an idiot.

Of course, Adolpha got wind of our plan and wanted to join in.  We walked down to the dock, found everyone an appropriately sized life vest and hopped in our little metal canoe.  We paddled a nice little circle real close to the dock and I said, "Well, that was fun, let's bring her in."

"Noooo," my kids wailed.  "Aunt Seraphina took us all over the lake."

"She did?" I asked.

"Yup."

Hmmm...Aunt Seraphina is MY aunt, their GREAT aunt.  I'm not sure how old she is, but close to 60 I'd say.  If she can row them all over the lake, so can I.  I can not be outdone by a senior citizen.  I spotted a little cove at the far end and I said, "Did she take you to that cove?"

"Nope."

"OK, well that's where we're going!  Paddle, Gomer!"  We had a nice brisk wind at our backs and off we went to our secluded cove.  We got there in no time and drifted around for a bit.  The sun was starting to get hot and Adolpha was getting restless.  Every time she shifted her weight the boat would tip a bit and Gomer would freak out that we were going to capsize.  (I didn't want to tell Gomer that I'd pretty much convinced myself before we ever left shore that I would somehow be swimming back because we would most likely tip.)

At least it was only this bad in my head.

"Have you had enough?  Shall we head back?" I asked.

"Yes!" they answered.

I conjured up the few strokes I could remember from the last time I ever canoed (25 years ago) and got us turned around and headed in the right direction.  We battled head winds the whole way and Gomer wasn't much help when it came to paddling.  His arms were tired and he didn't have much left in him.

We finally got within about 10 feet of the dock when suddenly the wind picked up and we were literally turned sideways and pushed back out in the middle of the lake.  Argh.  I tried to turn us again and this time we did two complete rotations before I was done.  I tried to act like I meant to do that.  As if I am some sort of trick canoeist.

People were starting to gather on the shore now to watch us.  "Are you OK out there?" someone called.

"Oh yeah, we're good.  Thanks.  Just need to paddle a bit harder," I called back.  "Dig!" I yelled at Gomer.

"I'm digging, mommy!" he yelled at me.  "Steer!"

(I've never been canoeing with the Hubs, but this gave me a glimpse of what it could be like.  Gomer has never reminded me so much of his father as he did today when he yelled at me.)

We headed back towards the dock and got within 10 feet again when we were suddenly pushed away again!  Are you kidding me!!?

At this point, I start thinking if I can somehow jump in the lake without tipping the canoe.  I figure I could jump in and tow the boat in.  I'm not convinced my plan can be carried out.  I am very much  like a clumsy baby bull.  My kids will definitely end up in the drink.  I'm positive.

I can't think about jumping, because now I've got a mutiny on my hands.  The kids are wigging out.

"Mommy, will we be stuck out here all night?" Adolpha wailed.

"No.  I'm thinking of jumping in and swimming the boat in," I said.

"You'd jump in and leave us here, Mommy?" Gomer screeched.

"Noo.  I'd pull the boat and swim.  I think you might fall in too though.  Would that scare you guys?"

"YES!" they replied in unison.

"Well, then we're going to have to paddle really hard, Gomer.  Let's go.  I'll count and we can paddle together."

We started again with our synchronized paddling, inching closer to the dock.  We were getting there...I could maybe just slip over the side...WHOOSH.  Damn winds!!  Out we go again - sideways.

Now I think we could make it to the shore on the other side of the lake and drag the boat out there.  I've decided that's what I'm going to do.  We start working with the wind instead of against it.  I just hope it isn't very deep over there.

"Hi there.  Could you use some help?" came a voice out of nowhere.  A young boy - maybe a high school kid? pulls up in a kayak.

"Hi!  Yes, please!" we all reply.

"Hang on to my kayak and I'll tow you in," he said.

He expertly maneuvered us right to the beach with little or no trouble.  We got to where the water was about a foot deep and I jumped out of that damn boat.  The hell I was going to get dragged back out into the middle again!  We were all glad to be on dry land again.

Yes, I am not ashamed to say that I let that young boy tow me and my two children to shore while everyone watched us like we were idiots.  No one said it out loud, but I could hear their thoughts.  "What the hell was she thinking?  Look at her!  She is not boating material.  Did she just think a motor would somehow appear on the back of that canoe?  Those poor kids are terrified.  Way to go, SuperMom.  Ewww...by the way, she totally ruined her shoes.  Yuck."

My shoes are a little soggy and I'm not sure that they will recover and I will definitely be sore tomorrow.  The upside?  I'm making memories for my kids.  I was a regular OAM today.  We got some great pics that will look great in my Canoeing Memories Scrapbook.

James Franklin

I got a lot of heat last month when I wrote about a Douchey Dad I encountered.  There was a lot of push back from men, especially, telling me to mind my own business and quit picking on these poor, hardworking guys.  I also heard from people asking me to better articulate what makes a dad douchey.  Well today I found one that I can show you.  This guy.  James Franklin.  He's the epitome of what pisses me off.

Want to work for me? Let me see your wife.

James Franklin is the head football coach at Vanderbilt University and he said in a radio interview Wednesday that he won't hire an assistant coach until he lays eyes on the guy's wife.

"I've been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant coach until I've seen his wife. If she looks the part, and she's a D-I recruit (one of the nation's best-of-the-best), then you got a chance to get hired. That's part of the deal."

He wants to make sure his assistant coaches have hot wives.  OK, he didn't say "hot."  But he did say the wives must "look the part."  Barf.

Are you fucking kidding me?  That is the most disgusting and pervy thing I've heard in a long time, not to mention just plain discriminatory and I'm guessing a tad illegal.

WTF is wrong with you, James?  I hope your (presumably hot) wife smacked you upside your head when you got home from that interview.

It's just another nauseating example of douchebags talking bullshit.  Either he really meant what he said and so that just makes him a dick.  Or he lied so he'd sound all fucking manly or something stupid like that and he's still a dick.  This guy just doesn't have a clue.

Let me tell you something about confident men with average looking wives, James.  These kinds of guys are real men.  They derive their confidence from within, not from the eye candy on their arm.  They don't need some nipped and tucked and inflated Barbie doll to parade around to make them feel like a man.  They don't have to look around a room and reassure themselves that they've got the hottest ticket there.

I know, because I live with one of these guys.  The Hubs is one of the most confident men you'll ever meet and I do not "look the part."  He is an excellent salesman and won't take no for an answer from anyone.  He's so confident, in fact, that at times it borders on arrogant with a dash of narcissism and I actually have to rein him in.  He married me because I'm fucking hilarious and fun to be around.  He married me because he knows that my looks will go, so he'd better like who I am more than what I look like.  He married me because he didn't need a flashy, gorgeous woman to make him feel like a man.

You're an idiot, James and I can't even believe you think that, let alone say that out loud.  It makes sense, I guess since your team sucks balls.  No wonder they do - you can't expect to get a decent coaching staff if you advertise the fact that you want to ogle their wives before you hire them.  Do you want to take them for a test ride too and make sure they're they "total package"?

Update: James has since apologized for his comments.  I still think he is a douche.

What do you think? Who else should win the world's biggest douche award? Join in the conversation.
http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/p/community.html#/1508371/forum/162935/worlds-biggest-douche.html

Extreme Couponing

If you don't know yet, I'll tell you:  the Hubs is CHEAP!  I mean, REALLY, REALLY cheap.  He manages to get free magazine subscriptions, he saves us tons of money on electronics by doing his research and price comparisons, he only buys clothes from the clearance rack WITH a coupon and he will only eat out at restaurants he has coupons for or that have a Dollar Menu he can order from.

That being said, he started bugging me about "Extreme Couponing", I think.  He's telling me how we could be getting thousands of dollars of groceries every year for pennies on the dollar if we'd just "clip a couple coupons" like these people.


Today I had a little time so we sat down to watch the show.  About halfway through I wanted to punch the Hubs in the throat.  If he thinks we're going to do this, he's NUTS.

These people have a SERIOUS problem.  I predict they will end up on a very special "Hoarders:  Buried Alive Under Reynold's Wrap & Crest Toothpaste".  I truly believe these people are mentally ill.  The sickest out of the 4 they profiled lives in a 3 bedroom home where 2 of the bedrooms as well as her husband's "man cave" have become stockpile rooms.  The 2 bedrooms look pretty organized and tidy with everything arranged neatly on shelves, but the man cave is just piled high with plastic grocery bags.  It's like Hoarders Lite in that house.  This is the same woman who spent $70 ordering coupons (who the hell even know you could do that??) from a coupon clipping service so she could get 150 candy bars for free.  She brags that she spends 70 hours a week couponing.  Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm not very good at math, but I got out my trusty calculator and I did some figuring.  If you take the 70 hours she spends couponing PLUS the 40 hours she claims to work at a real job that only leaves a little over 8 hours a day for sleeping/eating/socializing/pooping.  I just don't think that math adds up!  When does she find the time to eat her 150 candy bars??  On shopping day she actually has to take a vacation day from work to spend 6-8 hours at the grocery store.  WTF???

I also get irritated when these Extreme Couponers claim how much they save by clipping coupons.  None of them take into account the $70-100 they PAY the clipping services.  Or the fact that they have 10 newspaper subscriptions so they can get coupons.  That's gotta come off your bottom line people - it's an expense.  I'm still impressed you managed to get $600 worth of groceries for $90, just don't tell me you only paid $20.

One woman doesn't order coupons she gets them the old fashioned way:  Dumpster diving.  She even had fancy looking gloves just for her Dumpster diving (I wonder if she used a coupon to buy those).

And don't even get me started on the narrator!  "Susie waits nervously for the coupons to start coming off her total.  If she's miscalculated anywhere she could end up owing more money than she has brought with her!"  Seriously?  Have you never gone to checkout at the grocery store and realized you didn't have enough money?  It's not like the Manager says, "Put on an apron and start bagging groceries, lady.  Someone's gotta pay for that ice cream!"  The drama is comical.  "Susie starts to sweat.  Something's gone terribly wrong.  The computer has frozen.  What will she do now with her 9 carts of groceries?"  Uhhh....walk away and say I'll try again tomorrow?  Don't worry, don't worry, it all worked out for Susie.  Four store employees put their heads together for 2 HOURS and finally came up with the brilliant plan of splitting her order into more manageable sizes so the computer could handle it.  I'm sure Corporate will be happy to see those productive hours!

Hey, I love a sale as much as the next person.  I will use a coupon at my favorite stores like Hobby Lobby, Gymboree and Macy's.  My problem is, I rarely see a grocery coupon for stuff I like.  I don't like Hunt's Ketchup (I'm a Heinz kinda girl) and I don't care if Hunt's will pay me a buck to take it out the store I won't buy it.  (Actually, that's not true.  If I had 300 Hunt's coupons that I found in a Dumpster and had a grocery store that doubled  my coupon and I ended up making money, I'd take the Hunt's out of the store and put it on Craigslist and sell it for half price and make more money 'cause I'd rather make money than save money.)

How much toothpaste can one family need?  What are they stockpiling it for??  Are they waiting for Armageddon??  They talk a lot about being able to live off of their cache for one or two years if necessary.  Yeah, if all you wanted to eat was deodorant, cat food, Barilla pasta, Gatorade, and Butterfingers.

One person on my Facebook summed it up perfectly: "these people are hoarders and thieves."  I agree completely and I have no desire to spend 70 flipping hours a week hoarding and thieving.

In the end, the Hubs and I compromised:  anytime he wants to go Dumpster diving for coupons, he's welcome to try it (because I refuse to subscribe to the paper or coupon clipping services) but if he brings home Hunt's Ketchup he has to eat it all.

Where is the line between being a cheap bastard and being frugal? Let me know.

Wrap Up 6.10.12

This week I've been busy trying to better my blog.  It's no secret that I want to write full time and the only way to do that is to get sponsors and advertisers.  I went to St. Louis earlier this week to meet with Google AdSense so that they could help me optimize my site.  You'll probably notice some changes over the next few weeks since I'm trying new things.  The newest thing I'm trying is message boards.  It's an awesome feature where we can all chat together so much easier.  It's a little slow to load, but once it does, it's totally worth it.  I am considering doing a live Q&A chat on this message board, so please be sure to sign in and join the discussion.    


I've also been more active on Twitter this week.  I've always had a Twitter presence, but I've treated it like my bastard child while Facebook was my favorite.  The tide is turning.  Zuck and his friends are pissing me off because they are limiting my reach.  I'm hearing from many of you who are no longer seeing me in your newsfeed, which is really uncool when you've elected to subscribe to my updates.  I've been using Twitter a lot to connect with other people who are attending BlogHer '12.  If you're planning on being there, I'd love to meet you, so please tweet me and let me know.  Or better yet, go to the message boards and join the thread about BlogHer '12.


I've also been looking for just the right pair of cargo pants to wear to the Friends Party on June 21. I'm looking forward to attending the Overland Park event.  If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, read this and then sign up.  If you're the one taking charge of a local event, please create a thread on the message boards.  This will be sooo much easier to plan and discuss your event.  


There's a theme here.  Are you getting it?  Go to the message boards and use them.  It will make your life so much better. 


Top Read Posts:


John Mayer - One word: douche.


Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog - There were many compelling arguments in the comments as to why I should have a dog, but in the end the answer is still "No."


Yes Day - Still hasn't happened.  I might take the advice I saw crop up a lot about not telling them it's Yes Day until it's over.

50 Shades of Grey - PIWTPITT Review - I asked for some book suggestions on Facebook the other night and got loads (thank you), but 50 Shades of Grey just kept popping up and it made me realize that many of you had not seen my fabulous book review, so I reposted it.

New Posts for Babble.com This Week:



My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):


Yes, I am not down with earning the "In The Butt" bag either. Negatory. I guess that's why I have the "Half-Hearted Hand Job during Letterman" bag from Marshall's. *sigh* on Wrap Up 6.4.12


Haters gonna hate...Meyer has nailed every hot piece of ass in Hollywood...good for you bro. Swag for days, you be you, and f the haters. on John Mayer


I saw this comment come through and was mildly amused, but I quickly realized I would not need to address it, because the awesome Sarah was on it:

John Mayer! I didn't know you read Jenn's blog! Way to throw us off by spelling your name wrong... but only douche bags use the word swag. You gave it away! on John Mayer


Hands down, this is what I love most about my readers.  They are funny as hell.

Crying. Holding my sides. Had to pull over while driving to finish reading (guess I should've done that in the first place). Your last line is my new line for 2012. You Are Hilarious! on John Mayer


While I appreciate that you never want to miss a word that I've written, PLEASE ALWAYS pull over to read.  OK, I'm done being your mother now. 

Attacking Taylor Swift is like punching a kitten. Have we learned nothing from Kanye? I mean, pretty much nothing, but at least that. on John Mayer

He's like the leader of all the douchebag guys out there. He's like Captain Douche Canoe, I bet they have a secret handshake. on John Mayer

I'm a dog lover, I trained police dogs for a living before I had children. I'd like to support your 'no dog' rule. Only for one reason, if you're not ready and wanting a dog, then it's best you don't. Just like children, unless you really want a baby, they are always going to be more trouble then you can expect. on Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

My mom raised us the same way! Grandma accidentally taught my oldest to say "damn dog" accidentally at a very young age. I still do not have a dog and hubby is on board BECAUSE he came from a dog home. Yes he was jealous of the treatment the dogs got. There were times MIL would brown hamburger for the dogs and tell him to eat lunch meat out of the fridge. on Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

I'm 30 and still begging for a dog... only now it's my husband. You would think I have some womanly prowess that I could use on him. NOTHING WORKS!!!!!! He feels the same way you do -they're "sheddy." Good Luck & God Speed Adolpha... I feel your pain girl. on Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

I think my husband would be more excited about the prospect of a Yes Day than my kid would be... on Yes Day

ok fucktards, has it ever occurred to you that there are some people in this world who are not able to have children and maybe that is why they treat their pets like their babies? Has it occurred to you that not all of us want disgusting children to worship like you psychos do? Shouldn't you be up little junior's ass right now instead of on here? I mean that is what parents of human children do these days they bow down and worship the little shitheads that they created. GET THIS: I'M NOT HAVING KIDS EVER BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO NOT GET KNOCKED UP, unlike you idiots. Half of you didn't want the brats you got stuck with, and now you are judging people who didn't have kids because you are jealous that they have the time and money that you wish you did to piss away on whatever we want. on Dog Pedicures


Of course it has occurred to me that there are people out there who can't get pregnant.  In fact, I know a several people like that.  It doesn't sound like you're one of those people.  The people I know who struggle to get pregnant would never call a kid disgusting or a shithead.  The people I know who struggle to get pregnant would look into every option they have to get a child - a human - not a dog, because they know that a dog isn't the same.  I'm glad you know how not to get knocked up, because it sounds like you hate children and you'd be a terrible mother.  And for the last time, I am so tired of hearing how "jealous" I am of everything.  I'm not jealous.  I'm just pointing out dumb things people do.  I point my finger all the time at dumb people, but no one gets their hackles up more than combination dog lover/child haters.  Take a fucking Xanax and calm down.  Go paint your dogs' nails, I'm sure it's very soothing for you, you twit.  

John Mayer

I'm a dooooo-uche.
Am I the only one who thinks John Mayer is acting like a pussy?  Have you read about his interview with Rolling Stone magazine where he bitched that Taylor Swift "humiliated" him with her song "Dear John?"

WTF, John?  First of all, where have you been for the last couple of years?  It was so nice when you were gone.  Second of all, when did you become such a whiny bitch?  Come on!

Look, I'm not a Taylor Swift fan and I've never even listened to the song "Dear John."  I would have never even heard about it if John didn't cry about it, but now I have and of course I have something to say.

I have never been a fan of John Mayer.  I knew his type from the first time I saw him:  Douche bag with a capital "D."  He's a smarmy player and he's full of shit.  He's not even that good looking and every article I read about him makes him sound like someone with a brain injury, but he does look like he'd know his way around the Red Room of Pain.  Actually, that's probably not even true, from what I've read, he's really only good at masturbating and alluding to his allegedly giant tool.

He's dated lots of high profile ladies and he's got a real reputation for lovin' them and leavin' them and blabbin' about them.  I don't even know why Taylor would let that sleazeball in her bed, but that's beside the point.  She was probably thinking about the Red Room and the nine inches he keeps bragging about.  She was young and I'm assuming he has a line or two that seem to work wonders, because he's seduced a crap load of chicks.  My guess is since he's such a douche, his pick up line is "Your body is a wonderland."  Barf.  If Taylor fell for that line, she gets a pass due to her age and lack of life experience.  We've all done stupid things at 19.

Meanwhile, he was a 31 year old guy romancing a 19 year girl who had built her empire on writing songs to boyfriends who dumped her.  What did he expect her to do?  Write down her pain in her diary and save it?  Send him a Hallmark card to let him know that she was hurting?  Call her mom?

I also think it's interesting that her lyrics took him by surprise - that he had no idea she felt that way.  I'm going to go ahead and call "Bullshit" on that one.  Of course he knew.

This is my number one complaint about guys like John Mayer.  I may not have any experience with rock stars - OK, really no experience - but I have a shit ton of experience with douche bags and they all act the same way.  They break up with you like a dick.  Either by cheating on you or they say something stupid like, "You're too good for me.  Let's stay friends OK?  Because I really need you in my life.  You are so special to me."  Fuck you.

My guess is John Mayer is the type to want to keep in touch, but Taylor did not.

She'd just had her heart broken by a total dickwad.  Of course she didn't text him or email him.  She wrote a fucking song, because that's what she does.

And now I hope she writes another one.  I hope she calls it "Dear John, Does Your Vagina Hurt?"

Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

OK, OK, it's time.  At least one of you has been bugging me for a few days now about writing about why I don't have a dog and why I won't have a dog.  So here you go.

Adolpha is crazy about dogs and she would love to own one.  Easily three times a week she asks for a dog and three times a week I say, "No.  A dog is too much work and too much responsibility for us.  We barely have enough time to spend with you and Gomer.  When would we spend time with a dog?  We like to travel and be gone a lot and that's not fair to a dog.  It would not be a good life for a dog in our house.  When you're older and on your own, you can have your own."  End of discussion:  No Dogs Allowed.

But, why? You ask.  Dogs are man's best friend.  They are our best companions.  Dogs are loving and loyal and protective.  You should have a dog, you meanie.

I blame it on my parents.

Growing up, my brother and I wanted a dog.  We would beg and plead with our parents (Pleeeeeeeeeeeease????).  We would negotiate and over promise (C.B. will pick up the poop and I'll walk him and we'll never fight anymore we promise, promise, promise!).  We would guilt trip our parents (EVERYBODY we know has a dog.  You don't love us!).

My parents never budged.  They never said, "We'll think about it."  There was never a family meeting called where we could discuss the pros and cons of dog ownership.  It was always just straight up "No."  Even when precious little C.B. wrote letters to Santa for years asking for a dog my parents remained stoic - that's just cold.  (For those of you who are wondering, Adolpha doesn't ask Santa for a live dog, because she knows that Santa does not bring live animals, so it's not worth wasting your time on him.  I learned from watching C.B. that I could never say "No" if she asked Santa.)

My mother was (and still is actually) a stickler for a clean house (yes, she cringes every time she steps in my front door, but that's a post for another day).  She was constantly wiping something, dusting something or vacuuming something.  The mess that two little kids made was enough to send her over the edge and the idea of a dog just overwhelmed her.  My dad traveled a lot for work so we were on our own a lot and my mom did not want one more thing dependent upon her or making a mess for her to clean up.  My dad would just say, "Yeah.  What your mother said."

All of this dog animosity rubbed off on me.  I began to see dogs the way she did:  messy, stinky, slobbery, whiny, destructive, sheddy (Is that a word?  Well, it is now.), hyper, barky, yippy/yappy and expensive.

I quickly got on the no dog bandwagon.  C.B. did not.

The first purchase C.B. and his wife made together was a dog.  This was my first experience around a dog.  He was a nice, older Boston Terrier who preferred to lay in the sun or cuddle.  He didn't smell, he didn't bark or whine, his shedding was minimal.  He was actually kind of...dare I say...nice.

I was actually thinking I'd been misinformed.  Dogs weren't as bad as I thought.  This one seemed really very...fine.  And then C.B. got his second dog.

This time he got a puppy.  A stinky, wriggly, chewy, albeit amazingly adorable puppy.  This puppy was so hyper she would play catch with you until her legs gave out from exhaustion.  She would yap and nip and jump.  Ahh...yes, this is what I thought dogs were like.

Don't get me wrong, C.B. and Ida are tough dog parents and set down rules for their dogs, but this was a puppy and she was a handful.  I could never be as strict at C.B. and Ida, so I knew right then a puppy was not in my future.

After a few years, C.B. and Ida were going on vacation and they asked if the Hubs and I would dog sit.  None of us had kids yet, so these were C.B. and Ida's "children."  The pressure was incredible.  What if one choked on dinner?  What if the little one ran away like she does sometimes?  What if the old one keeled over on my watch?  I was an absolute nervous wreck.  I didn't know anything about dogs, but I didn't want to say No.  So I agreed.

I was given a list of instructions that helped.  Luckily, Ida is detail-oriented and she knew I had no dog experience.  The instructions said things like, Feed the dogs 1/3 cup of dry food, 20 minutes later, take them outside to go to the bathroom.  Encourage them with phrases like, "Go, go, go."  (I doubt Ida has ever had to leave such detailed instructions for anyone, but I was glad she did because I am an idiot and "Go, go, go" did seem to make a difference.)

When they dropped them off, the old dog left an enormous shit in my hallway to let us all know he wasn't very happy with the arrangement - he could smell my fear.  I wanted to take a shit in his crate to let him know I felt the same way - and reinstate myself as Alpha Dog.

Long story short, I did not kill the dogs.  I was never calm while they were with me.  I was always on edge that something terrible would happen to them and I would be responsible.  Surprisingly, I was never asked to dog sit again.

After that weekend, my feelings on dogs were firmly cemented.  I like to visit dogs.  I like to pet dogs.  I like to send dogs home with their owners.

My guess is, there are a lot of dog owners who feel that way about my kids and we can both agree on that.

The most ironic part of this story, though, is when Ida and I were both pregnant with our boys - the first two grandchildren for my parents.  My mom was acting kind of strange.  She was getting excited for the two babies that were coming, but she had a weird maternal-ticking-clock kind of feeling too that she couldn't shake.  She thought maybe she wanted a dog.  Huh??

One of C.B.'s friends mentioned she knew about a rescued Boston Terrier that needed a good home, but she was having trouble finding a spot for him.  My mom asked to meet the dog.  WHAT????

C.B.'s friend brought the dog over for my mom to meet him.  After looking into his enormous, goggly, wonky eyes (yes, he has one eye that doesn't track as well as the other) she fell in love and adopted him.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  WE don't like dogs.  YOU raised me that way.  WTF??

Her response?  "I was wrong.  They're sweet."

To this day, I blame this adoption on the pheromones and hormones that Ida and I were pumping into the air that made my mom want her own menopausal "baby."  Meanwhile, that "baby" has a better life than me or C.B. ever had.  Sigh.

Hey wait!  I just had a breakthrough.  (Who needs a shrink when I have a blog??)  Maybe that's it.  It's not that dogs are smelly or messy, etc.  It's just that I'm jealous of a dog's life. They get to sleep all day (bliss).  Someone feeds them and walks them on a regular basis (no need to cook).  They get snuggles and love and someone to play with them and give them treats when they're good.  Dogs have no responsibility (let's face it, I would never be a service dog) and no one expects much from them.

That's it, I don't want a dog, because I want to be a dog.  Actually, after reading the headlines this morning, I've decided a cat's life is more for me.  I want to be this cat.

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