PIWTPITT's Holiday Gift Guide

This is the time of year when you can't avoid a "must have" list of holiday gifts to buy for that special certain someone in your life.  There are always lists for "Her" with unique and amazing ideas like a tassel key chain or $500 lingerie (I don't think all of my lingerie COMBINED is worth $500).  Don't forget "Him" either!  How about a $300 iPad cover or an apothecary jar matchstick holder?  (For all those times you say, "I just wish I had a beautiful apothecary jar to hold these unsightly matchsticks!")

The thing that I notice about these lists is there is never anything on them that I would actually want.  I would be pissed if the Hubs came home with a hand-forged iron paperweight in the shape of a lotus for my desk and he'd divorce me if I bought him the Polaroid Digital Instant camera.

So, for anyone looking for a little something special this holiday for someone like me or the Hubs, I put together a list of "must haves" and I think you'll find them unique and adorable.  

1.  Jenni Supersoft Poncho.  So, this thing is amazeballs.  Sure it resembles a muumuu with a hood, but you guys, put this thing on and you will.  Not.  Care.  My grandma bought this for me for Christmas this year.  I picked it out.  Every year my cousins and I go shopping with my grandma to pick out our presents from her.  My cousins are young, single, hip girls.  They bought jewelry and handbags with their Christmas money.  Not me.  I bought this wonderful invention and new slippers.  My cousins died a little inside and vowed to never age past 30.  But little do they know - forty is when you can get away with wearing a fleece caftan and no one even bats an eye.  I'm warm and cozy (because unlike that POS Snuggie this sucker covers your back and has a hood), plus it comes in cool, fun, hip designs.  Mine is black (because black is slimming, even in a fleece one size fits all blanket with arm holes) with adorable polka dots!

2.  Kindle Fire HD.  We are a book loving family.  Well, the Hubs isn't.  I think he might be illiterate actually.  Gomer and I are book lovers.  We can read for hours and I really want a Kindle Fire HD to read on (and play Angry Birds Stars Wars on too).  The Hubs tells me it can do all sorts of other cool stuff really fast, blah, blah, blah, but I just know that it's cute and I can carry it in my purse and watch "Downton Abbey" on the pick up line at school.  Genius!

3.  Light Keeper Pro.  Don't waste anymore time or money cursing your burned out strands of lights.  Zap them into submission and show them who's boss!

4.  Bic Lady Pens.  On a tight budget?  Then, these are the perfect stocking stuffers for every female in your life.  Sure they're a bit pricier than the masculine version, but so worth it!  I started using one a few months back and you won't believe the smart ideas I come up with now.  And my spelling has improved drastically when I write my grocery lists!  Do yourself a favor and invest in your daughter's future today - get her a Bic Lady Pen.

5.  A Goat from Outreach International.  Do you have someone on your list who has everything already?  Do you have someone that you never know what to buy?  Why don't you buy them a goat?  OK, the recipient doesn't actually get the goat, but you buy the goat in their name and then it's donated to a person in need where it provides food, income, and fertilizer.  Goats aren't your style?  How about chickens?  Or toothbrushes?  Adolpha wants to buy a latrine this year.  My extended family donates every year to a project to build a farm.  We do it in honor of my grandfather who passed away a few years ago.

6.  Books.  Did you think I'd make a wish list without my book on it?  Surely, you know me better than that by now!  My book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat would be the best gift for just about anyone on your list.  Your best friend, neighbor, kids' teachers, hair stylist, mailman, garbage man, your sister in law, your mother in law, the nanny.  Maybe you already have my book and you need some other ideas?  No problem.  How about Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves or you could pre-order Moms Who Drink and Swear:  True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.

7.  Little Bag of Crap.  When you go to the grocery store or the library or the PTO meeting, you need a bag that says "What Are You Looking At?" and a Little Bag of Crap can do that for you.  This bag is an instant ice breaker and conversation starter at any playgroup, soccer game or ballet class.  It's also the perfect gift for any child in your house who has hoarding tendencies.  The superior construction of this bag ensures that they can really fill it full of crap and hide it in the back of the closet or under their bed for years to come!

8.  Crocs.  I know many of you scoff at my love of Crocs, but out of all of my Three C's of Fashion (Crocs, Cargo pants and Coach (outlet) bags) you can never go wrong with a pair of Crocs!  No matter what the occasion, there is a perfect pair of rubbery flats, wedges, flip flops or fuzzy slip ons!  Plus, I gotta love any shoe company that lists Duck Boots in their "Dress" section!  Those are my people right there.

9.  Meggings.  This is for the hip and trendy man on your list this year.  I realize the Hubs doesn't fall even remotely near that category, but he has the knobby knees and twiggy, bony legs this fashion statement requires - nay, demands.  For once the Hubs could be on the cutting edge of style and fashion.  He could pour himself into this skin tight abomination and make the men of our neighborhood jealous and the women swoon.  He could proudly strut his spindly stuff and know that for the next week or so he is rocking a style that very few men can pull off.

10.  Honda Odyssey Touring Elite.  I haven't given up my envy of you minivan driving moms.  My little taste of minivan heaven I got this summer wasn't enough to deter me from my wanton desires for slidey doors, a ridiculous amount of cupholders, a split screen television and wireless headphones.  I wish I could have one just so I could put my bad ass minivan bumper sticker on it along with my 0.0 miles sticker.

Saying Goodbye to the Odyssey

Well, today is the day that I knew was coming, but hoped wouldn't.  My kids and I are devastated.

Nah, no one died or anything.  We're upset because the Odyssey has to go back today.

Yup, today is the day the 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite heads back to its home in Texas.  Today between 11 am and 1 pm a gentleman will arrive at my door and demand that I hand over the key.  My kids and I will be sobbing, but the Hubs will probably do a cartwheel or two.

My only complaint?  It wasn't black.  But it was still pretty badass. 

We've had a great 16 days with the Odyssey.  I was just re-reading my original post about what I love about minivans and I'm happy to say that this Odyssey delivered on all fronts:


 "Slidey Doors" - this SAV (Suburban Assault Vehicle) has slidey doors at the push of a button.

Oh you want to get out?  Left side or right side?  Would you like the back hatch opened too?  No problem!

My kids had dreams of "parachuting" out of the van in the school pick up line.  Sorry kids, looks like parachuting out at the pool will have to suffice!

I wanted a "leathah" steering wheel.  Mostly, because I like saying "leathah," plus it feels nice when you're driving.

Leahtah.  Boom.

The Hubs thinks he didn't like the minivan that much, but I noticed he managed to program the XM radio with most of his favorite stations.  (He did give me NPR and BBC.)

Who the hell is Richard Blade, Hubs?  It's like I don't even know you when you listen to this music.

Yes, even if the Hubs can't say it out loud, I bet this afternoon he will have a little twinge and miss that Odyssey - or at least "First Wave."

We had a great time tooling around town and road tripping (I can't imagine a better way to road trip).  

Thank you, Honda, for the experience!  It was fun!

PIWTPITT Road Trip 2012 - The Road to Pimpdom

Today is a busy day for the fam.  We are getting ready to hit the road tomorrow.  We've decided to take The Badass Minivan on a road trip.  (A lot of you are new and have no idea why I'm putting so much emphasis on my vehicle - read here to catch up.)  The SAV (Suburban Assault Vehicle) has done nicely getting me to and from the movies, the pool and various playdates, but now I'm ready to test it out on the open road.

I won't say where I'm going...yet.  I will say it's a long ride and I'm glad the minivan has a cooler for juice pouches - I just wish it had an onboard bathroom too.

We leave at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow (in this house that means 8ish) and I'll be on Twitter all day giving live updates.  Be sure to click here and follow me on Twitter so you can be in the know.

Since I will be in the front seat and won't be able to watch "Chipwrecked" two times in a row on the wide screen in the back, I'll be entertaining myself on Twitter all the way to my destination:

I'll be giving clues as to where we're going - I'm going some place where it's illegal to tease skunks.

I'll play "Name that Song" with my favorite 80s station on the XM Radio - Darken the city, night is a wire/Steam in the subway, earth is a afire

I will tweet stupid shit the Hubs says when he's driving, like this gem - "You fell asleep and I got lost.  It's your fault. You should have been awake to tell me where to go."  (Luckily, we have built in GPS this time around.)

Adolpha and Gomer updates - "Are we there yet?", "I'm hungry.", "I need a bathroom.", "Mommy, are you blogging about us again?"

And of course, I'll be pimping out shit the whole way:  what I love about the 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite (it's more than just a pretty cup holder), my favorite blog posts from my archives, my favorite blog posts of other blogs I read, and of course, a question and answer time with me and the Hubs.

So do yourself a favor and clear your schedule now and be sure to follow me on Twitter for 8 hours of non stop, action packed, amazing and unpredictable exciting self promotion and pimpage unlike you have ever seen before (and, oh yeah, don't forget to follow the repeat on the journey home).  

Weekly Wrap Up 6.23.12

What a week!  I got home from camp with the kids and went straight into a week of swimming lessons.  Every time I take my kids to swimming lessons, I think of Stephenie Meyer saying how she wrote Twilight during her kids' swimming lessons...she must be a very fast writer (or her kids are slow learners) because I could barely get a to-do list written! 


Thursday night was a lot of fun and I've heard from several of you that you had fun too.  Be sure to let us know how your event went, we're all curious.  If you want to continue to keep up with one another and plan an another event, the best place to do that is the PIWTPITT Message Boards.  Check them out here.


I'm still hearing that many of you aren't getting me in your Facebook feeds anymore.  The easiest fix for that is to subscribe here at the blog or follow me on Twitter.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Look What Honda Sent Me - Yup, Honda sent me a minivan. It's still in the driveway tonight. I love how it looks there. My kids just want to move in and sleep in it. We're going to take it on a road trip next week, so that way the Hubs can fall in love with it too.

Making the Bus Monitor Cry - By now everyone has seen the video of Karen and the fucking twerps that abused her. Everyone went all fire and brimstone on these kids and I decided I'd rather go a different route. I sat down with the Hubs and we actually wrote this one together (unbelievable) and imagined what we WISHED Karen could have said to those little dickheads. I know she would have been fired if she'd even remotely tried to call them dipshits, but it's fun to dream. She could have at least called the cops. I'm pretty sure I would have done that.  Let the cops escort those fuckers home, because whatever a bus monitor is paid isn't enough to deal with those delinquents.

Tonight's the Night - The first PIWTPITT Friend's Party! It happened. Tell me how your city did. Did you meet anyone? Kansas City had about 16 people show up. We had a really fun time. I think the person who came the furthest was the lady from Beijing. Seriously. This is a funny story. I drove my friend Amy and her friend Meredith in the minivan to the party. We were parking and Amy and Meredith were admiring the minivan and all of its luxe features when a woman came up to me and said, "You're Jen, aren't you?" Ack! My first new potential friend! "Yessss..." I replied. "I knew it! Since you were talking about minivans, I figured it had to be you," she said.  

She then proceeded to tell us that she was in town for 2 days looking at houses because her family was moving from Beijing. Her friend in Beijing is a super fan and begged this woman to go to the party and meet me. So she dragged her husband and her child to this restaurant just so she could say hello and tweet her friend that she was there with me. My head was spinning. After some small talk (and me trying to sell myself as her Realtor, which she politely declined assuring me she had one - damn!!) she went to have dinner with her family. Pretty soon, she popped over to our table and said her husband told he would eat with the kid so she could hang with us. Kick ass, husband!!  

Father's Who Won't Change Diapers - This was a repost from the olden days, but still relevant. Sounds like there are a lot of great dads out there who are pulling their weight in the diaper duty department. Great!

Mini Me - Another conversation between Adolpha and Gomer that only proves to me that Adolpha is going to be a handful very soon.

New Posts for Babble This Week:

Are Helpful Men Creepy? - A friend told me about a man offering to help her and her children and she freaked out and called him creepy. WTH?

My Little Fashion Plate Designed Her Own Clothes - I insulted the quality of a company's product and so they sent me a gift card so that I could eat crow. I ate crow and it was delicious.

Can Bullies be Bullied? - A teacher in Texas got fired because she let the class hit the bully.

I Went on a Blind Date to Find a Friend - Why I almost didn't go to the PIWTPITT party.

10 Funny (Mom) Blogs You Should Read Today - I was surprised to hear that an advertiser said that he didn't know humor blogs existed. Hellooooo. So I decided to put together a list of some of the funniest women I know and share it with everyone. A note to advertisers: We are funny and we have fabulous funny readers who like to buy your shit.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):

Thankfully I married a guy who has no problem changing diapers. I hate the douchey dads who say that they are "babysitting" their own damn kids. You're not babysitting....you're being a responsible parent!! on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

I worked with a lady whose husband wouldn't change diapers. There were a couple of times where he stayed home with a sick kid and he would bring them to our office so his wife would change the diaper. No joke! on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

I love your a man changing diapers is sexy logic. What else can we get the men to do by convincing them they are sexy doing it? Mopping floors is HOT! Scrubbing a toilet will earn you a BJ. I will show you something new if you clean the garage. Things could get interesting. on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

Sounds like Dad needs a blog of his own! A family who blogs together tells the world to fuck off together. on Happy Father's Day!

I keep telling him.

Love it... Want it... but my Little Bag of Crap can't be white because it has to live on the floor of my mini van for weeks at a time!-Steph on You're Going to Want This Stuff 

Surely it can be washed?

I overheard my daughter scolding her younger brother, 4 and 5 respectively, "if you ever do that again no more playing, no more toys, and no more water!" What? No water? I can assure you that I have never threatened my children with dehydration! on Mini Me

AWESOME. I knew I'd reached a new chapter in my life when I started commenting on how "cool" the new Odysseys were when each new model came out (the newest being, by far, the coolest). I *love* my Odyssey, something I never imagined I'd say about a minivan. But seriously, I'm wondering if I'll ever drive anything else - even when the kids eventually fly the nest. Enjoy - you won't want to give it back. I guarantee it. Those slidey doors are enough to seal the deal. No, wait, the DVD player with the headphones that allow the kids to watch movies and you to still listen to the radio are sheer genius. on Look What Honda Sent Me

I succumbed to the minivan long ago (kicking and screaming). But my newest one, 2011 tricked out T&C is like a mobile living room. I am driving all over the country (final stop, KC, btw) and it is a smooooottthhhhhh ride. The kids barely spoke out loud in 10 hours yesterday. Two screens (dvd on one, PlayStation on the other). ipod/ds charging (love that little outlet). I turn up some Eminem and drive like a gangsta filming an Imported from Detroit commercial. Badass. on Look What Honda Sent Me

MCC? it's okay, but I prefer Suburban Assault Vehicle. (I am totally jealous of the 15 cupholders, though!) on Look What Honda Sent Me

Here in Utah we call them Mormon Assault Vehicles. :) I don't want one...but I am kind of jello that you get to try one out for two weeks. on Look What Honda Sent Me

Now that all these vehicles come with so many drink holders, they need to start putting potties in them. If I have that many drinks in my car, (almost 2 per person, I will surely be asking for extra potty stops! on Look What Honda Sent Me

Well... check you out! What next? Why Tina Fey, of course! on Look What Honda Sent Me

LOL! I like how all the pissed off people post their comments anonymously. I have to admit... I'm guilty of being a tad OAM on occasion and my sister says the visor I wear is douchey. I am lucky enough to have a sister to call me out on my behavior. Everyone should be so lucky. Funny stuff! I love your husband's response! Chill out people. on Douchey Dads

Look What Honda Sent Me

You are not going to believe what showed up in my driveway today.  Go ahead, guess.  It starts with an M and ends with a VAN.

That's right, my new (tester) badass 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite minivan is sitting in my driveway as we speak.  That's right, they sent me the Elite.  No base model for me, thank you very much.  Honda spared no expense and wanted to make sure I get the whole Odyssey minivan experience, surrounded in superior quality and luxury.  This isn't your neighbor's minivan, people.  This minivan is like no other.   

Yeah, that's sitting in my driveway.

(For those of you who have just joined the blog and have no idea what I'm so excited about, please take a few minutes and read this.  It will catch you up on my minivan love.  Then read this and you'll understand why the nice people at Honda have sent me this van to try out.)

If you want the Cliff's Notes then here's the gist:

I said I have a secret passion for minivans and that I'd love to own one.  The Hubs thinks it's not a good fit for us since we only have 2 kids and he prefers for us to drive a smaller car with better gas mileage and no implied obligation of carpooling.  I told him I didn't care, I want the slidey doors and all the other features of my very own MCC (Mobile Command Center, for those of you who aren't in the know).  Honda read my post and contacted me.  I wrote them back.  We picked a date for a van to come and visit.  That date is today.  I get it for two weeks.

Yup!  I got a minivan.  True, I don't own it.  Honda is just loaning it to me for the next two weeks...I may not want to give it back in the end.  But still, it's pretty exciting for me.  Of course I've driven minivans before, but always when we were on vacation somewhere and I never really got the chance to enjoy it.  I was always looking for an exit on some unknown highway or keeping an eye out for the closest bathroom.  I'll finally get to drive a minivan in my day to day life and really be able to show the Hubs what a great fit it is for our family.

So, what this means is that for the next 2 weeks I will be pointing out just a few of the special features of this badass MCC while my kids jump out of the slidey doors like parachuters and we drive around the block one more time just so we can watch another movie on our wide screen DVD player and hold drinks in our 15 cupholders spaced nicely throughout the vehicle for optimal beverage holdage.

Just 4 of the 15 cupholders.  Route 44s anyone?

Oh, and I will be driving it to the PIWTPITT Kansas City Friend's Party on Thursday night, so if you want to see this badass MCC up close and personal, you should totally be there, but I won't be carpooling.  Even though the Hubs isn't going, it will still throw him if I start carpooling already.  We gotta start him off slow.

Disclaimer:  A big thank you to Honda for sending me a 2012 Odyssey Touring Elite to drive for the next 2 weeks and enjoy immensely.  And a special thank you to Sara - I hope you and the new addition to your family are getting some sleep!

My opinions are my own - you know how much I love these cars - I can't make this stuff up!