2013 - The Year in Review

For all of the new people who have joined me this year - welcome! In case you've missed some of the hits of 2013 here they are in one easy to read spot:

PIWTPITT's Official Elf on the Shelf Calendar - I decided to try and help the underachievers be better at the Elf on the Shelf antics this year. You won't find any messes or pantie raids on this calendar (what is the deal with the overachiever's obsession with elves and underwear??), but you will find easy to follow steps and even a couple of breaks.

Doggie Doo

This is a REPOST from a few years ago.  STILL it's a great toy that we all LOVE!

So if you've been keeping up, you'll know that I bought my daughter Doggie Doo for Christmas this year.  I went out to buy Christmas crap at 50% off today and while I was gone, the Hubs decided to bust out the Doggie Doo game.

I came home to find my entire family cracking up over the most disgusting game I've ever seen.

When I bought the game, I knew the basic premise.  You feed the dog and then he poops.  Looking at the pictures, I assumed the poop was some sort of Nerf-type material.  I also thought the game was battery operated and the poop would fall out of the dog's rear end or something like that.  Boy, was I wrong.

Dinovember: Stop the Madness

First came the overachieving mommies and their Elves on Shelves. They hung them from ceiling fans and made them "eat" copious amounts of sugar. Then they got a little naughty. They made flour angels and teepee'd Christmas trees.

Well, move over Elf, there's a new little (even more) destructive bastard on the block: Dinovember.

Have you heard about Dinovember yet? A mom and dad started this new trend a couple of years ago, but it caught on like wild fire this year. Every night in November while their daughters sleep, the parents stage elaborate scenes with the kids' dinosaurs.

They then, of course, photograph their magic and upload it for friends and family to see. Sure, the kids love it and appreciate it and think it's amazing, but you've got to share it with your social media. Why go to all that work if no one is going to give you a virtual atta boy?

Chippy is Sorry That You Made Him Sad

OK, remember last week when I wrote about Lululemon's founder telling the world that there's nothing wrong with his yoga pants, rather it's your ass and thighs that are the problem?

Well, he apologized.

Only, it's one of the worst apologies ever given. This guy - Chippy, as I like to call him - took his apology to the Fuck You Level.

Lululemon's Yoga Pants Aren't the Problem - You Are

I swear, I can't turn on the news without hearing about yet another company with some d-bag at the top sticking his foot in his mouth. Don't these guys have PR firms that can handle this stuff? Do you think they know the cameras are on when they start talking or do they think they're just hanging out with their douchey buddies?

A few months ago it was Abercrombie & Fitch's CEO telling people they were too fat and ugly to shop at their stores. This week it is Lululemon's co-founder blaming an obvious defect with their product on women's fat asses and thighs and "over-zealous wearage." (I just made up that term, but I think if you read further, you will see that it fits and I'm betting it will be on a Lululemon CYA/disclaimer tag very soon.)

The Lady Who Says, "No Candy for You, Fatso!"

It's time for Halloween. Do you have all of your little pirates and princesses ready to go? Did you get your Sexy Angry Bird costume out of the back of the closet and dust it off for another year?

I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.

I'm a dead bride - just not a sexy dead bride. I have my limits.

Maria Kang

Surely, by now you know who Maria Kang is: perky mother of three kids (in three years) and owner of a very small pair of booty shorts.


Maria took a picture of herself in her booty shorts with her little boys in the foreground and put the caption "What's your excuse?" (and her website) across the top.

Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers

Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers

1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.

2. They try to manipulate us with tears.

Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.

Douchebag Teenagers and Their Parents

What would you do if your kid was a teenager who broke into an empty and beautiful home and partied like a rockstar and trashed the house? What would you do if your precious snowflake posted fucked up selfies on Twitter of his hard abs in the master bathroom mirror or asinine duckface slash cleavage shots around the keg in the living room? What would you do if the owner of the house came home to find his house destroyed by your brat? Would you punish your kid?

Of course not! That's just crazy! You would, of course, sue the homeowner for publicly shaming your piece of shit offspring.

I wish I was making this up. But, of course, I am not.

So there is an ex-NFL football player named Brian Holloway who owns a vacation home in upstate New York. Three hundred asshole teenagers broke into his house and wrecked it. I don't mean they spilled a little beer on his couch. I mean this house should probably be burned down because it's so messed up. People peed on his carpets. (People. Not animals who didn't know better. People. Human beings pulled down their pants and peed in the hallway.) People used markers and paint to write their names all over the walls, ceilings, etc. People broke windows and doors. And, oh yeah, they spilled some beer too. The owner is estimating $20,000 worth of damage, but after seeing the pictures, I think he's a little low.

While they were shitting in the bedroom and probably watching some girl get raped in the laundry room, they were also tweeting and Instagramming and whatever the fuck kids do these days to spread the word around the 'net that this party was "live" and everybody and their douchebag boyfriend should come.

No one said these kids were smart.

So, Brian Holloway scoured the Twitterverse and found all of these little shits and posted their selfies and their tweets on his website. He also encouraged them to come and help him clean his house because he was hosting a benefit for soldiers later that week. Instead of coming to help him, the parents started threatening him for posting their kids' tweets and photos on his website. (You should read the tweets, they are ridiculous.)

So let me get this straight. Adolpha and Gomer break into a house with 298 of their closest friends. They break everything they can, Adolpha takes a shit on the living room carpet while Gomer pukes his guts in the kitchen. They write MY PARENTS SUCK or whatever on the walls, all while photographing themselves doing these horrendous things and encouraging more shitheads to come and bring their own Sharpies and sharing it all on their social network. Then the cops come and they bolt and get away without me knowing. Then it's brought to my attention that my children's images and tweets are on a website showcasing their behavior and instead of punishing my kids or try to make amends, I call my attorney?

Because that's good parenting.

What the fuck?! No wonder these people's kids are such fucking assholes. THEY'RE assholes. Of course they raised assholes.


I don't even have to know these people to know they're the worst kind of people. I've read their spawn's tweets and their kids are fucking wastes of space. A bunch of bored middle class kids trying to be gansta with their douchebag Justin Bieber wardrobes and their Miley Cyrus-inspired tongues sticking out in every picture. These are the kind of kids I fucking hate. They make me want to smack their stupid vapid expressions off each of their fucking faces.

Holloway should be suing these kids for breaking and entering and trespassing and destroying his property. Not the other way around. And the parents should be responsible, because these kids are minors and they raised these assholes. Don't the parents have any sort of responsibility for this? Where do these parents get off thinking that he's in the wrong? What the hell? What sort of entitled brats are they raising? What message is being sent to these kids? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will sue the big bad man who is bullying you.

I don't know, but in my house if my kids are caught breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalizing someone's house, the shit will hit the fan. Juvenile detention will be my first call, not my attorney's office.


Weekly Wrap Up 9.22.13



This week has been a busy one. I don't know why, but something possessed me to run for the PTO board and because those races are NEVER contested, I won by a landslide (thank you to the six people who voted in that election). Apparently, there's a lot to do when you're on the board and there are a bunch of meetings to attend. This week I've been learning more about fundraising, volunteer appreciation and carnival budgets than I'll ever need to know again in my life.

I've started leaving my house to speak to people. It's terrifying and fun all at the same time. I've got some upcoming dates set for the Kansas City area, so if you're around and you want to put some pants on and come out and see me, you can see all of the locations here. Thursday I will be at the Johnson County (KS) Library on Thursday, September 26th talking about blogging. Want to learn the secrets of blogging? Want to make millions and have fans who adore you? Want to make Tina Fey call and invite you to lunch all because of something you wrote? Yeah, me too. If you find out the answers to these questions, let me know, will ya? Otherwise, I can just teach you how to get started and make enough money to buy Starbucks for you AND a friend every now and again.

I've also planned the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day Ladies' Night Out. There are lots of cities participating and I'm always looking for new hostesses. You just need to pick a time and location and email me the details to add to the EVENTS page.

Tonight is the Emmy's and you know how much my Twitter pals and I enjoy making fun of whatever horrible ensemble Guiliana Rancic's team has put together for her. I really hope Riverboat Madam is still in style this awards season. I'll be tweeting tonight and you can join in by following #spikedpunch #emmys.

This Week's Most Popular Posts:

Is Nuts Better Than Balls? - My precious snowflake, Gomer, shocked me with the sentence, "So then I got kicked in the nuts" and it wasn't the fact that he got kicked that upset me so much.

Friends are Hard to Find - This is the post that inspired me to host a nationwide ladies' night out last year.

IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out - I've declared a new holiday: I Just Want to Pee Alone Day and to celebrate I'm organizing another nationwide ladies' night out. Check the EVENTS page on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page to see if there is one near you. If there isn't, then you should totally host one!

Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - This one is total gossip and so worth a read.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

I would've said this is an age-old question that really has no answer but by all the responses I see there are as many answers as there are words for nads (my favorite of the moment--I reserve the right to change my mind!) You gotta love the endless variety of the English language, not to mention other languages, as someone pointed out. This was hilarious. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

We've always called them their "McNuggets". Sorry McDonald's, lol! on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

I was one of the pro-nuts FB peeps. I have 3 boys and a man-child. Nothing is sacred. My house always smells like ass & dirty socks. Someone is always laughing about the fact that mommy has 'bewbees' and no nuts. Underwear is worn on the head instead of the ass, and going commando is expected on the weekend. All I ask is that they keep it in their pants. It's hard to breathe in all this testosterone. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

My son was about the same age when he referred to being hit in the "nuts", "balls" was used as well but nuts was the favorite. One day my daughter, 2 years his junior, came in the house and said she got "hit in the nuts" while playing ball. After a good laugh my wife and I decided not to correct her. She was very happy having something in common with her big brother that she always has (and still does) looked up to (both are in college and share an apartment). She would find out soon enough the truth, no harm. And it was pretty cute. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

I apologize now for laughing while I read this. Our boys are five and almost three. Their father has taught them to call their, er, privates "anaconda." Yes, anaconda. I dread when snakes are discussed at school. As for why mommy doesn't have an anaconda (yes, they have asked)? Daddy tells them I lost mine in a poker game. Nice. Our older son recently started exploring his nuts. When he asked what they were, I said "nuts." He looked at me and said "You're kidding!" No, no I'm not. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

For a girl who love the f-bomb and doesn't even mind the c-word, I sure have a hard time hearing my kids say "butt" and "fart." Not because of the words themselves, but because it suggests my children are older. When they display their growing independence by wiping their own asses, it's awesome. When they do it by graduating from babyish terms for body parts and functions, it isn't. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

Hmmm...I might come out, I'll check my schedule tomorrow :) Sounds fun and I would love to meet you, Jen! on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

So excited! Last year it didn't really come together for me, but this year the meet up is less than 10 minutes away! How can I say no? Looking forward to it! on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

So excited to be a part of this! And by so excited I mean scared shitless. But what's the worst thing that can happen? I have an awkward couple of hours. And what's the best thing that can happen? I make some awesome amazing friends for life and we grow old together and wipe each other's asses and shit. on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

This. is. GLORIOUS. on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

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IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

Last year I wrote a post called Friends Are Hard to Find. I mentioned that believe it or not, I have a little difficulty in finding people who have any desire to hang out with me. When I wrote it, I was talking about myself, but suddenly my inbox and comments section blew up with "Me too!"

It got me thinking. There were a lot of us who were feeling the same way. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get together and have a laugh? I decided to invent PIWTPITT's Friends Night. I figured if nothing else it would get some ladies out of the house and they could talk about how funny/insensitive/annoying/adorable/foul-mouthed/stupid I am.

Many, many women across the country stepped up and agreed to take charge of their local Friends Night. I planned the one for Kansas City, but I wasn't going to go.

It was a terrifying thought. Plus, I'd have to shower and find clean clothes to wear. That's a lot of work for strangers and I'd just downloaded a new book to my Kindle. I was busy, y'know?

And then the Hubs said, "Of course you're going. This is your idea. You're the one complaining you want a friend. All of these women are going because they feel the same way you do and now you're going to stay home and read all night?"

He brushed my hair and told me I was pretty and sent me on my way.

You know what happened?

He was right. I had fun. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to laugh and talk and just let loose.

This summer I started hearing from women who missed last year's night. "When are you planning one for this year, Jen?" and "I'd love to go if you have one in my town, Jen."

I was reading some of these emails in my "office" (AKA the bathroom) while my children pounded on the door demanding food and help with homework. It was like Divine Intervention. I realized what I needed to do.

Sure, I could use a few more friends, but what I really want now is to PEE ALONE.

I don't know if you're aware or not, but this spring I put together an anthology called I Just Want to Pee Alone. I pulled together 36 women from across the country to write some of the most hilarious stories about motherhood you'll ever read. The book quickly became a best seller. It resonated with moms everywhere. Any woman who reads that book can find at least one story that speaks to her. I didn't know many of the contributors when I asked them to join me in the book, but over the past several months, we have formed a community together. It showed me that women need a place where they can go to escape the day to day drudgery. We all need that. It doesn't matter if you're a mother or not - I've seen those pictures of pets pawing under your bathroom door.

So, I am declaring a new holiday. I Just Want to Pee Alone Day!!!

Mark your calendars, ladies, because October 16th is a day for you. This isn't like Mother's Day where you still have to go and see your own mother or do the dishes after your husband "cooks" for you or wear a lovely hand-crafted macaroni necklace all day. Nope. This day is all about doing what you want to do - guilt free!

To celebrate the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day (hereby called FAIJWTPAD) several of the contributors to the anthology and other blogger friends have come together to host National Ladies' Night Out (AKA #Peealonenight) in a city near you and they're inviting you to join them.


BOSTON - Hosted by JD of Honest Mom
Location:
TBD


CHAMPAIGN, IL - Hosted by Kerry of HouseTalkN
Location:
TBD


CHICAGO -  Hosted by Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns
Location:
Pinstripes
1150 Willow Rd.
Northbrook, IL 60062
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7:30 PM


COLORADO - Hosted by Johi Kokjohn-Wagner of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and Rachel Kargas of Get Real Mama
Location:
Ace Gillett's
239 S. College Ave.
Fort Collins, Colorado 80524
Date/Time: 
Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM


CONNECTICUT - Hosted by Amy of Funny is Family
Location: 
J Roo's Restaurant

249 State Street

North Haven, CT 06473

Date/Time: 

Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM



HOUSTON - Hosted by Rachael Pavlik of RachRiotPatti Ford of Insane In The Mom-Brain, and Kelley Nettles of Kelley's Breakroom
Location:
BlackFinn American Grille
1910 Bagby Street
Houston, TX 77002
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 6-10 PM


INDIANA/MICHIGAN - Hosted by Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree VenturesAlyson of The Shitastrophy, and Noelle Elliot of Bow Chica Bow Mom
Location:
Uptown Kitchen 
7225 Heritage Square Drive, Suite 208
Granger, IN 46530

Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM


KANSAS CITY - Hosted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs
Location: 
Barley's Brewhaus
11924 W. 119th St.
Overland Park, KS 66213
Date/Time: 
Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM


MINNESOTA - Hosted by Michelle of You're My Favorite Today and Joy of Evil Joy Speaks
Location: 
Jake's City Grille
3005 Harbor Lane North
Plymouth, MN  55447
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 6-9 PM


NEW JERSEY - Hosted by Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By SayingAmy Bozza of My Real Life, Anna Sandler of Random Handprints, and Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries
Location: 
End of Elm Restaurant & Lounge
140 Morris Street
Morristown, NJ 07960
Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 8-10 PM


PENNSYLVANIA - Hosted by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year and Stephanie Giese of Binkies and Briefcases
Location:
Applebee's 
Rt. 30, 2321 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, PA 17602
Date/Time: 
Wednesday, October 16th at 6:30 PM


WEST VIRGINIA - Hosted by Teri of Snarkfest
Location:
Domestic
117 E. German Street
Shepherdstown, WV 25443
Date/Time:
Wednesday, October 16th at 7-10 PM

THERE ARE LOTS MORE NOW. CHECK HERE TO SEE THE COMPLETE LIST.

I know the idea can sound a bit daunting, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth the effort it takes to leave the house. If the thought of going alone sounds awful, then bring your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, or even your mom (you owe her a night to pee alone).

You can find all of the events listed above and more here: in the Events section on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page. We're adding more all the time, so keep checking in and be sure to RSVP so we know who is coming.

If there isn't one planned for a city near you, don't fret, because YOU can host. You don't have to be a blogger to host, it was just easier to ask my bloggy friends at first, because they looooove this sort of stuff. 

It isn't hard. Just pick a location near you and a time on October 16th that works for you. It doesn't need to be fancy. Something casual tends to work best anyway. Once you've got the details figured out, send me an email at [email protected] and I will add your event to the page.

Look for a location near you and keep watching for new ones to be added. We hope to see you there!

Weekly Wrap Up 9.15.13


Well, it's been awhile since I've written a weekly wrap up and I thought it was time to get back in the habit. I was stupid busy this summer with writing and raising children. I'm too cheap to send the kids to camp all summer long, so instead I have to entertain them and there is only so much television they're willing to watch. You know you're failing at parenting when your kids start complaining that they've already seen this episode of "Full House" and they'd really just like to go to the pool and get some exercise or listen to you read them a book.

I managed to finish my manuscript for Random House a couple of weeks ago. Right around the same time the kids went back to school so now I have time to blog again (have you noticed?). I'm excited about the manuscript (and school). I think it's going to be a good book. I mean my mom really enjoyed it even though I made fun of her a lot in the book. I hope a few of you are saving your dollars so you can buy a copy for yourself and a friend, because your friends need to laugh too.

I've started leaving my house to speak to people. It's terrifying and fun all at the same time. I've got some upcoming dates set for the Kansas City area, so if you're around and you want to put some pants on and come out and see me, you can see all of the locations here. The next one will be at the Johnson County (KS) Library  on Thursday, September 26th. OK, just kidding, pants are only a suggestion.

What else is going on that's exciting? Ohh, this isn't my news, but it's still super crazy exciting. Remember last week when I encouraged everyone who already didn't own Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves to go out and buy it? Well, if you did then you helped catapult one of my favorite writers, Robin O'Bryant straight onto the New York Times Bestseller's List. The NYT list is the freaking Holy Grail and Robin did it (with your help). Thanks to everyone who supported her. I'm so excited and thrilled for her. I just hope she's holding me a spot on that list. I'd prefer number one, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Alright, let's get to This Week's Most Popular Posts:

Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money - There's a disgusting trend among pregnant women with access to Craigslist. I'm just sad I'm not pregnant, because I could use some extra scratch.

BMI Grade Cards at School - Schools are sending home grade cards with kids to tell them that not only are they failing Math, they're also too fat all while serving something called "Fish Treasures."

Pet Amber Alert -  This company annoys me and they should totally let me write their ads like the one I wrote for a missing cat at the bottom of the post.

We Can Do Better - Mrs. Hall, mother of three impressionable young boys, wrote a letter to the hootchies of the world who keep blinding her precious snowflakes with their fish lip photos. Poor Mrs. Hall got an earful from the world. I jumped in and gave her my two cents.

Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - This one is total gossip and so worth a read.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

"Have you seen me-ow?" Good Lawd, I died. on Pet Amber Alert

Hehe, my cat's name IS Batman BruceWayne Ourlastname. When he is being a mischievous asshat, I yell at him using his full name. I wonder what the neighbors think... on Pet Amber Alert

That is the best name ever. If I ever break down and get a pet, I will probably have to use this name. Or Professor Punch. It's a toss up.


So many awful things come from well-intentioned idiots. on BMI Grade Cards at School

Oh girl, you know my thoughts on this. This is a national epidemic. As soon as impoverished families can buy fresh produce and lean meats at the same price as a Happy Meal, we'll start moving in a positive direction. Obesity is not just a social problem, it's an economic development issue. Telling children they are overweight does not even scratch the surface here and no need to tell parents they "should" be giving their children healthier/lower fat options. They KNOW this but, people only have the food dollars they have. Also, in most communities, like mine, a VAST majority of the public school children are on free/reduced lunch. They are getting 2 of their meals there. Let's change the direction of the telescope... on BMI Grade Cards at School

We need to educate parents on what constitutes a healthy weight/BMI and what is proper portion size for a child. In my practice, I use the BMI to validate to parents whether a kid is overweight, a healthy weight, or underweight. I see a fair number of patients who come in because their parent tells me the kid doesn't eat...or thinks they are too thin. Most of the time, neither statement is true, it is the expectations of the parents that need to be addressed. Maybe the school could take a bigger role in managing childhood obesity by first stop serving crap like chicken nuggets and pizza for lunch; one of my patients, an overweight youngster who attends an after school program (at her school) told me they were being served pizzas and nachos for an afterschool snack! Seriously? I'm working with her and her mother to help control her weight. Her mom had me write a letter to the program telling them she could only eat her healthy snacks from home. on BMI Grade Cards at School

5 years ago, when I was preggo, a good friend asked me to pee on a stick for her, so she could play a birthday prank on her vasectomized husband. She changed her mind when he fell down the stairs and cracked his skull open, just from a clutz move. She didn't want to see what would happen if she showed him a positive pee stick. on Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

Lol. I am what you consider an oversharer. I totally posted my pregnancy test and every ultrasound pic, and have since posted billions of pics of my kid that maybe nobody but me wants to see. But I don't care! :-) I tried for this baby girl for six years and dang it, I had to/ have to share! on Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

We're all oversharers of some kind. You overshare your baby and overshare mine (the blog). What makes you and I better is that we can laugh at ourselves for being oversharers.

This regularly-attending, actively-involved chuch lady LOVES your blog. I'd love to have you speak at one of our women's events! Keep on bloggin'! on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

You haven't said, "get your fucking backpack and get your ass in the car" not even one time? on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

Not to the kids. Maybe to the Hubs ...



How I took Jen's reaction was not that she was mad that the Pearl-Clutcher was upset. It was that instead of speaking to her church members about her reservations or contacting Jen, she went on a website designed to re-sell a specific brand of clothing, posted a part of one blog, and she (and every commenter) based her entire opinion about Jen's speaking ability/appropriateness on that. on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

Yes. That was my reaction exactly. Thanks for explaining.

"Always watching..." Like Roz from Monsters Inc. : ) on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

I am more like Roz than I care to admit.

The content of your blog is offensive to church goers/church leadership. Why would you expect to be welcomed to speak? Sure, you can censor yourself and behave in public. But your private life doesn't match up to what the Bible teaches (not that anyone's does, but it's clear here that you aren't trying to watch your language). Churches want the real deal. They have enough problems with people accusing them of hypocrisy. Allowing you to speak would be endorsing language/thoughts they find sinful. It would be more hypocritical to allow you to speak, imo. I'd give them a break on this issue. on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

You're right, my private life doesn't match up with the Bible, but private lives matching the Bible hasn't stopped churches from opening their doors for years to worse offenders than me. Like tele-evangelists who steal from the offering plate or cheat on their wives. Or blame earthquakes on homosexuals. Or cover up sexual abuse for years. I'm the least of their worries when it comes to hypocrisy.

THANK YOU. Several friends posted this the other day and I was bothered by it but couldn't find the words. Once again, you found them for me, and they are way funnier than what I would have said. THANK YOU!!! on We Can Do Better

I agree somewhat and I get what Mrs. Hall is saying here but the whole...my boys are holier than thou so stop tempting them thing did make me roll my eyes. Come on, they are TEENAGE boys...they ogle girls in traffic for goodness sake and probably everywhere else. I'm all for monitoring online activity. I already do this with my son who is only 11. And I probably wouldn't be too happy about girls sending photos to my son. BUT I'm also a realist and I know this is going to happen at some point. All that I can do as his mother is prepare him for dating and falling in love and having feelings about girls. Sexuality is a normal, natural thing. However, you are correct that we need to teach young girls AND boys to have respect for themselves first and then for their chosen partners. I am trying my best to raise an honest gentleman who treats his future girlfriend(s) like a lady should be treated. on We Can Do Better

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said her post depicts her boys as being victimized. I agree that girls should not be posting skimpy, provocative pictures, but also some responsibility lies with boys in general & how they react to those & perceive all girls. Be respectful & don't respond to those kinds of posts (ie: delete them or block them). on We Can Do Better

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BMI Grade Cards at School

Today I read about something that made me feel sick to my stomach.

Besides grade cards telling you how your child is doing in reading and math, now schools would like to send home a BMI grade card too.

Do you know what BMI is? It's short for Body Mass Index, a measure for body shapes based on your weight and height. This BMI report card is to let you know if your child is a healthy weight or overweight.

Can you imagine if you got one of these when you were a kid? Mine would have been covered in chocolately finger prints because I had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's just so I could deal with the utter shame.

It was embarrassing enough in school when I could never climb to the top of that stupid rope in gym class while my jackhole gym teacher in his awful stretchy "coach" shorts yelled at me to "Dig!" I felt fat and sluggish enough, thank you very much. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my BMI calculated in front of my peers. The thought of it gives me the shakes.


Receiving one of these grade cards would have done nothing to help me lose weight. I joke about the Ben & Jerry's, but that's not far from the truth. I'm a sad eater. I eat when I feel lonely, sad, stupid, etc. Getting a grade card telling me that I'm an overweight little sloth would have been all I needed to down an entire bag of Lay's. A grade card like that would have sent me over the edge and as a preteen and teen, I was pretty damn close to the edge. The last thing I needed was another piece of paper telling me how disgusting I was. Because that's how I felt. I didn't need the school to tell me that.

I've got two kids who are both solidly built. Neither of them is fat or even close to obese. They are both high on the growth charts at the doctor's office, but well within the healthy range. They look around their classrooms and see their friends with their bony knees and their sharp elbows and their petite frames and ask me, "Mom, am I fat?"

They know how much they weigh and they compare their number with their friends and tell me, "Mom, I weigh five pounds more than Karsen! Am I fat?"

I have to explain to them that they are built differently. They are muscular and tall. Their pediatrician assures them they are healthy and that at this age everyone has different shapes and that's normal.

I do not want to give them another number to obsess over. I do not want them to start worrying about their BMI and how it compares to others.

Yes, childhood obesity is a problem and it typically starts at home. HOWEVER this what our doctors are for. My doctor is our medical professional and he is the one whose advice I take in regards to my children's health. He is the one who I trust to tell me if my kids are healthy or not.

I don't need the school to police this one for me. I really don't think they're the right person for the job. Especially when they start cutting down on gym and recess and serving absolute shit on a shingle my kid. Here is just an example of this month's actual menu at my children's school:

Chicken Nuggets
French Toast Sticks with Sausage Patties
Country Breaded Steak
Beef & Cheese Nachos
Pepperoni Stuffed Sandwich
Fish Treasures

Now, there is always a "healthy" option of Uncrustable Sandwich with Pretzel Nugget & Dipping Yogurt or Yogurt & String Cheese with a Muffin. However, when my son is met with the choice of a chicken nugget of any kind or a yogurt and muffin, he will always choose the nugget. Plus, I'm not sure an "Uncrustable" or a muffin is much better than a nugget.

Schools: heal thyself.

I'm not saying my kid is going to enjoy eating kale and spinach salad, but we have some sort of chicken patty/nugget/stick product twice a week. If schools are so worried about kids' BMIs then maybe stop serving this crap. It's so bad that I limit the number of times each week my kids can buy.

Let me make a prediction. The more widespread this new grade card becomes, the more we'll see headlines freaking out about how the numbers of young children with anorexia and bulimia are on the rise.

And then what will the solution be for that?

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We Can Do Better

There is a sappy post making the rounds and I've been trying so hard NOT to comment. I've been holding in my eye rolls and my loud sighs. I've been clutching my own pearls and saying, "Do not engage, Jen."

But tonight, I'm engaging. I just can't stay silent. It's just too much.

I'm sure you've seen the post. It's called FYI (if you're a teenage girl). It's written by a mother of three boys and a daughter. She's writing to the young ladies in her teenage boys' lives. I'll let you read it if you're one of the few who hasn't seen it yet and then come back.

You're back? So what did you think? 

The first time I read it, I thought, Blech. Another touchy feely dear son(s) post. 

But this one was different. I read it again. It kept nagging at me. 

Let's just get past the whole heavy handed I'm the world's greatest mom because we read Facebook together and the weirdness that she shamed girls for posting inappropriate pictures and yet she included topless photos of her young sons frolicking on the beach and flexing their muscles (AKA the boy "duck face"). She's since apologized and changed the pictures and reposted the whole thing. I'm not sure why she didn't just change the pics on the original post, but it doesn't matter now. I'm sure all of the hos at school are happy she left the original ab shots.

The pictures didn't bug me that much. What bugged me was that this post isn't really about her sons. It's really about the trashy little whores who keep throwing themselves at her precious snowflakes and insisting on sending half naked pictures to them. I can just imagine the whole Hall clan sitting around the dining room table scrolling through the computer together while the boys yell, My eyes, Mama, my eyes! Make her stop!

Now, let me just say right here, there are some things that she does that I like.

I like that she goes through her kids' social media with them. I've been very vocal about that. I will do that with Gomer and Adolpha. (I'm not sure we'll do it family- meetin' style around the dining room table, but it will get done.) I know there will be some things I'll never see, but I hope to find most of the dirt they're hiding. I also don't like the idea of little girls emailing provocative pictures to my sweet Gomer. I also think that young girls are way too sexualized and should knock that shit off and I'm already dreading the day I find a picture of Adolpha duck facing (and please let that be the worst picture I find). I've been accused of slut shaming before. I just do it better than Mrs. Hall. 

The difference is, I intend to teach my daughter to not send ridiculous selfies with accidental nip slips while at the SAME TIME, I intend to teach my son not to be a fucking creeper

"Boys, don't be jackholes. I don't care what a girl looks like or what she's wearing. I raised you better than that. Find something else to do rather than ogle her." That's all Mrs. Hall had to say and I would have let it go. 

I think this post is highly offensive to young girls and especially any young girl who found herself blocked today by "The Hall Boys" (who when you say it like that sounds like a new ABC Family hit show) because of their smuttiness. What Mrs. Hall wrote was a slut-shaming post wrapped up in a sweet "Bless your heart, you little tramp" bow. 

However, I think this post is even more offensive to the young men of the world, and especially The Hall Boys.



Because when I read this post, encouraging young women to cover up and stop tempting the boys all I could think was Can't your boys keep it zipped up, Mrs. Hall? 

Seriously, when did teenage boys become so victimized? I had no idea. Is there a telethon I can donate to? Because apparently teenage boys are nothing but brainless blobs with erections who can't control themselves so they explode in their pants every time they see a girls' tight ass in a nighty. I didn't realize that teenage boys are like zombies, stumbling around looking for the next hot beef injection instead of braaaaiiiiins

No, no, no! Boys cannot get off this easy. Moms of boys cannot get off this easy. We can't just put the blame on the girls and say, "Stop skanking around my precious innocent boy!" When we tell girls to cover up because boys can't handle themselves, there is something wrong.

Instead of always teaching our girls to cover up, why can't we teach our boys to treat girls with respect and to see them as human beings and not just as sexual objects? I know that's what I intend to do.

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Stacey Dean Rambold and The Dishonorable Judge G. Todd Baugh

Have you heard about the Montana teacher who raped his student (which probably led to her suicide) and then got a 30 DAY sentence?

Yeah, that happened this week.

Let me bring you up to speed: A 49-year-old teacher, Stacey Dean Rambold, had a sexual relationship with his 14-year-old student. According to him it was "consensual." Whatever. She was fourteen! He was forty-nine! In my book, that situation can never be "consensual." That's rape. That's manipulation. That's disgusting.

Obviously this young girl was troubled and needed professional help. Obviously her behavior was a cry for attention and an effort to get someone to notice her and help her. Instead, she found a predator who took advantage of her and used her. 

Stacey Dean Rambold is the worst kind of human being. He's a teacher who is supposed to HELP kids like this girl, not rape them!! He can cry "consensual" all he wants, but I don't care if she stood naked in front of him, he should have kept it in his damn pants and called her parents! There is no way a 14-year-old girl in her right mind would choose to have sex with a skeezy 49-year-old. This guy is a pervert and a child molester. 

The school found out that they were having sex and Mr. Rambold resigned. I find this part interesting too. He "resigned." Really? The school couldn't fire his ass before he had the chance to resign?? 

If it wasn't already bad enough, after charges were filed against the guy his victim killed herself. Yes, this young girl committed suicide just before she turned seventeen. Can you tell me this wasn't related to her treatment by Mr. Rambold?   

Then, just when you think things couldn't possibly worse, Judge G. Todd Baugh reduced Mr. Rambold's sentence to 30 days. THIRTY DAYS!!!

The defense had asked for 20 years and the judge sentenced Rambold to 15 years in prison, but then decided 30 days was plenty. He really thought 31 was good, but gave him credit for the one day he'd already spent in jail. That is absolute insanity!!

The judge felt that the girl was "chronologically older than her years." Whatever the fuck that means. 

He also said that although this was "rape" it wasn't the "violent, horrible rape" you typically think of. 

Are you kidding me? The girl killed herself because the experience was so violent and horrible. She might not have had physical marks, but that doesn't make her less of a victim.

I watched a video clip of Dr. Drew Pinsky commenting on this story. 


Dr. Drew Pinsky said, “There’s a reason we have laws in place protecting young people. Their brain development isn’t such that they can render consent for something like sex. And for a judge to say that a 14-year-old to consent to this  … It is outlandish in a way that I cannot describe.” 
“There’s no such thing as someone being older than her chronological age who can magically have a brain of a 21-year-old,” Pinsky continued. “She may have behaved in a way that was inappropriate, but guess what? That’s a sign of mental illness. Those are the people we need to protect the most.”
I watched the clip where he said this and I could see his rage and his anger boiling just under the surface. I could see him fighting to say everything he wanted to say, but couldn't because the FCC regulates news programs.

Well, Dr. Drew, allow me:

Motherfuckersonofabitchareyoufuckingkiddingme??!! 

Stacey Dean Rambold is the worst kind of human being and an idiot of a judge gave him 30 days when really he should have gone medieval on his ass. The words castrated, drawn and quartered come to mind readily. This man is a predator who stalks children and preys on the weaknesses of others. 

And what about the judge, G. Todd Baugh? Can you believe that?

What is wrong with this judge? How can he ever begin to think that sentence is fair? How can he possibly explain how this punishment even remotely fits the crime?

Apology NOT accepted

He can't. Nothing he could say would make me understand. This isn't the first time he's made an objectionable ruling. I don't know what he's thinking. His ruling is actually worse than the actions of Rambold.

Can you imagine being the mother of the dead girl? First you find out that a teacher has molested your daughter, then your daughter kills herself and so you think, Well, at least justice will be served. At least this guy will pay for his actions and then you hear the sentence?

That poor mother can't even get justice for her dead daughter. She's been denied any sense of peace she might find in knowing that her daughter's rapist will be locked up for 15 years. Instead, he received a slap on the hand (barely) and will be out in the world in a month.

That is so infuriating.

This judge (who has since apologized for his word choice, but not his sentence) is someone who makes me want to scream. This is just another example of old men thinking they understand women and rape. I do not need a bruise under my eye to show that I've been violated, you dumb son of a bitch. A 14-year-old girl who dresses and behaves in a mature manner is not in a consensual sexual relationship with her teacher, she's a victim and she needs help. This isn't a couple of high school kids getting it on under the bleachers during study hall. This is a TEACHER who gained this young girl's trust and then abused her at his leisure.

Cases like these make me lose faith in our justice system. We're better than this.

If you're as mad as I am, you might like to sign this petition asking Judge G. Todd Baugh to resign.

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Miley Cyrus and Her Foam Finger

I didn't watch the MTV Awards last night. I'm a forty plus woman living in suburbia. I'm not really their demographic. However, I didn't have to watch the show in order to know that Miley Cyrus skanked it up pretty good. (Don't even bother leaving me a comment about how I'm slut shaming, I honestly don't care. I stand by my calling her a skank.)

After being alerted by the Internet that Miley had done something HORRIBLE and I needed to stop everything I was doing and watch right now, I watched the video of her bizarre dance with teddy bears. I thought to myself, OK, that's really weird, but what do I know? Plus, what's the deal with the tongue? Is that hot? And I have to mention those giant teddy bears again. What gives? Is she a furvert now?

And then, I watched her strip down to flesh colored undies and then bend over for that douche Robin Thicke (don't even get me started on why I can't stand him, but he looked like a dirty old man last night - and a little bit like Beetlejuice).


When Miley wasn't sticking her ass in Robin's crotch, she was fondling herself with a large foam finger.

OK, seriously, WTF, Miley? Are you high? Are you drunk? Are you an idiot? Which one?

After watching her make a total ass of herself I went looking for her parents, Tish and Billy Ray, because I pretty much blame them for unleashing Miley on the world. Lucky for me, my kids were too young to get hooked on Hannah Montana, but I saw enough of the shitty clothes on everyone else's kid that I instantly hated her and her parents. We all know, her parents are the ones to really blame. Let's face it, that child did not wake up one morning and say, "Daddy, give me the keys to your truck, because I'm going to go and make an album." Someone had to drive her to the studio and someone had to convince the powers that be that Miley could be a hit. Someone had to let her pose in a sheet when she was 15. I'm looking at you, Billy Ray. When your mullet was too much for us to bear, you turned your attentions on your little girl so you could live vicariously through her and you ruined it for the rest of us.

So of course she's acting this at 20 years old.

I'm also completely confused by her "engagement." Really? I saw Liam Hemsworth on a talk show the other day and he seemed so normal. Sure, he was a little boring, but not insane. I fully expected Miley's fiance to be insane. Who else would put up with her ridiculous shit? What did he say to her after last night's performance? "You looked, hot, babe. Bring that foam finger home tonight - oh, and a bear suit."?? How could he look her in the eye after that and say, "You did good."??

I'm not surprised she did it, I'm just disappointed. I always have such high hopes for the young women in Hollywood. I always hope that they don't self destruct in front of millions. I'm not a terrible person, I really feel bad for these girls. I once rooted for Lindsay Lohan too, but there's only so much that you can put up with.

It's going to sound weird, but I feel like Miley has hit that point that my eight-year-old has hit. When he was four and five and six he could get away with stupid, outrageous behavior because he was still young and cute and naive. Now at eight, he's lost his baby face and his adorable toothless smile that he used to flash when he wanted to get away with murder. Now that he's eight, he gets the whole, "You know better. You're too old to act like that!" I feel the same way about Miley. When she posed in a sheet at 15 I could convince myself that she was duped and taken advantage of. Now that she's 20, her shit isn't cute anymore, it's just embarrassing and tired.

You know it's too much when the Will Smith clan looks at you like this:

Source: Twitter

Their son is dating a Kardashian and they think Miley is outrageous!

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The Neighbor Who Wants to Euthanize the Autistic Boy Down the Street

Are you sitting down? Because this one is a doozy.

So there is this bitch in Canada who lives near an older lady who takes care of her grandson in the summer time. The grandson is severely autistic and spends a lot of his time outside.

The bitchy neighbor can't stand listening to the autistic grandson make noises outside and so she took it upon herself to write an anonymous letter to the grandmother with some helpful suggestions of how to deal with the boy. Such as: take him to park, move away, and (this one is the doozy) euthanize him.

Yeah. This soulless cunt suggested the boy be killed. As in dead. As in murder this child because he's too noisy and annoying.

But just in case you think the bitch isn't caring, before his death she would like to harvest his "non retarded (her words, not mine) body parts" and donate them to science because "what the hell else good is he to anyone?" Here is a link where you can see the whole disgusting letter.



My head is spinning after reading this fucked up tirade. Are you kidding me? Can you believe that? Can you believe that there is someone out there who is so fucking ignorant and horrid? This world is full of so many fucked up people. I get emails from people asking me why I'm so angry all of the time. It's people like this woman who make me angry all the time. Just knowing this woman is out there spouting her awful bullshit makes me furious. 

I don't have a child with special needs, but if I did and I received this letter, I would probably burn down my neighborhood. That's how angry I am right now.

I just find it so disgusting and appalling that anyone would write this letter. What the fuck is wrong with people that they would actually suggest a child be euthanized?? I can only hope that this woman is too stupid to actually know what that word means. 

This letter was signed by "One pissed off mother." No! She cannot call herself that. I am a pissed off mother at times. You are a pissed off mother at times. But we pissed off mothers would NEVER EVER EVER suggest someone euthanize their child. 

I feel terrible for the family who received this typewritten letter. I can't imagine how upsetting it must have been. The good news is, the police are taking these threats very seriously and are looking for the writer.

I'm not sure what will happen to her when they find her. (And you know they'll find her. It won't take long. This woman is not that bright.) You know me, I would never condone violence, but I wouldn't cry outrage if she "accidentally" got her arm broken when they were processing her finger prints or if she was "accidentally" left in a holding cell with some mothers of autistic children who just happened to get "accidentally" locked in there too. My guess is those mothers would be happy to harvest her body parts for science.

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For My Friend Courtney

WARNING: This is NOT a funny post. I am not in a funny mood tonight. I am sad and angry and frustrated. If you're not interested in that, then check back another day. If you don't mind listening to me cry a little, then read on.

Yesterday I changed my profile picture to this:


I did this in honor of my friend Courtney who blogs at Our Small Moments.

This week Courtney had to endure the untimely loss of Scott - her best friend, her soul mate, her husband, the father of her young children - to cancer. He was just 34 years old.


This week Courtney became a widow and a single mother in the blink of an eye.

Courtney is one of the kindest and strongest people I have ever known. While Scott had his treatments far from home, Courtney had to continue working full time and caring for their children. Never once did Courtney's optimism waver. She was Scott's most faithful supporter and Scott tried so hard to recover for his family. Although their time together was short, the love they shared was amazing and inspiring.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I have never met Courtney in real life. We are "bloggy friends" and yet I feel closer to Courtney than some people I see all the time. We were both lucky enough to find ourselves included in a group of generous women who support one another through the highs and lows in our lives - online and off. Besides blogging, we've been there for one another through pregnancies, new babies, house sales, illness, and loss. We have weathered Scott's illness together.

We're scattered across the country and we've tried our best to be there for Courtney as much as we can. But all we want tonight is to be with Courtney. To hug her and hold her hand and cry with her. We want to hug her sweet little children and tell them it's going to be alright. But we can't. Because we're just so damn far away.

Ever since we heard the news, we've been putting ourselves in Courtney's place. We've been asking ourselves, "Can you imagine the sadness, the fear, the anger, and the heartache Courtney must be feeling now?"

Can you?

I can't even guess and yet I'm sitting here crying as I write this because that's all I can think about. I think about her kids who are so close in age to mine and I think about Courtney trying to explain to them why their dad is no longer with them. Why he can't be at another soccer game or ballet recital. Why he'll never tuck them into bed again. I think about Courtney and how she must go on alone now, without her best friend by her side. I think about how empty Courtney's bed must feel without Scott beside her. How quiet her house must be without his company. I think about the overwhelming tasks that she must accomplish in the next few days. It would be all I could do not to curl into a ball and try to escape.

We felt so useless and powerless to help our friend. Our group went back and forth with ideas to help Courtney (send her meals, send flowers, etc.) and then we heard about a real need she has. Something we could actually help her with. A burden we could actually lift no matter where we were.

As you know, cancer isn't cheap. Scott battled cancer for almost a year and the bills have mounted very high. Courtney is a single mom now with one salary. We know that many of her friends and family who live close by will take care of food and help her with her children and will be there to listen, but those medical bills will loom over her for months or years even. We realized that we were in the perfect position to help her alleviate those bills.

That's why we started a fundraiser at Give Forward. All of the money we raise will go to pay the medical bills that were accrued during Scott's illness. We're sharing it with our readers, because we know that many of you have been touched by cancer and by loss and you know exactly how Courtney is feeling tonight.

We would hope that you would feel moved to help Courtney and her children. Help her sleep better at night knowing that the medical bills aren't closing in on her. It doesn't have to be a big donation, every little bit counts and is so appreciated. And if you're in a position where you can't donate we understand. Courtney is a praying person and I know she'd be grateful for a prayer for her and her beautiful children.

If you'd like to help Courtney and her children, please click here.


Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf . Almost everyone I know has one.  Some people even have two!  (Now I'...