People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

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Is Nuts Better Than Balls?


Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said I wasn't enjoying third grade? All because Gomer won't kiss me good bye and he only wants to wear swishy shorts, which are really the boys' equivalent of yoga pants.

Well, in case my heart wasn't already broken in two, he finished me off on Friday. My baby is no longer a baby.

We were driving in the car and we have some of our best conversations in the car and Friday's was no different. Gomer was prattling on about something he did on the playground and I was concentrating on my Candy Crush game (Relax! Hubs was driving!) so there was a lot of me going "Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. Wow." And that's when Gomer said, "So then I got kicked in the nuts."

Wait. What did my precious baby boy just say? "What did you say, Gomer?" I asked, shutting off my phone, because it was time to parent, don't ya know.


"I got kicked."

"Yes. I heard that. But where did you get kicked?"

"In my nuts."

I gasped.

"Let it go," I heard the Hubs whisper.

"But ... he said ..."

"Shhh," the Hubs whispered again.

"He's eight. I hate third grade. Just a month ago he would have said he got kicked in his privates."

We drove in silence the rest of the way. Gomer wasn't sure what he'd done wrong exactly, but he could tell I wasn't happy.

When we got home the Hubs took me in our room. "Look, I know you're not thrilled with 'nuts', but what else do you want him to call them? If he says 'testicles' he'll get kicked in them again. I think 'balls' is a little more vulgar than 'nuts' and technically it's not his penis. That's a whole other area."

I know I'm a cusser. I know I get in trouble all the time for my potty mouth. But I really don't swear in front of my kids and I hated to see his sweet little mouth saying "Nuts." Ugh.

"What about 'groin'?" I tried.

"Eh. It's not terrific," the Hubs shrugged. "He'll get teased for that one."

That's when Adolpha walked in our room. She'd obviously been eavesdropping outside the door. "Can't Gomer just say he got kicked in his peanuts?" she asked.

That child is a genius. I still love that one. His peanuts. Perfect.

"Yes! His peanuts!" I said.

"He's not a preschooler," the Hubs scoffed. "If you try making him say 'peanuts' I'll teach him 'nards'."

"You would!"

"What's so bad about 'nuts'?" the Hubs asked.

"Well, I feel like it's a bad word."

"Nuts? Nah. Let Facebook decide."

And so that's what I did. When in doubt, I let Facebook help me parent. I asked:

OK, is "nuts" an appropriate word for an 8 year old to use? As in, "I got kicked in the nuts today." I realize I'm a cusser, but I cringed when I heard this today. The Hubs says it's fine.

The overall feeling was that "nuts" is the lesser of the testicle names and not nearly as offensive as:

balls
nards
nads
scrote
nutsack
ballsack
gonads

A few less vulgar alternatives were offered:

stones
crotch
junk
scrotum
tenders
jewels
dangly bits
coconuts (for the more confident boy who thinks "peanuts" doesn't quite fit the bill)

Thank you Facebook followers for your sage and helpful advice. Also, there was a lot of concern about who exactly kicked Gomer in his nuts. It was basically self-inflicted as he ran into someone's foot. And he's my bright kid!

We decided that Gomer can say "nuts" but not in front of me or any elder woman of our family. I think my grandmothers would pass out if they heard Gomer say that. I'm still working on "peanuts," but no one likes that one except for me and Adolpha.

I'm feeling a bit better but, the day that Adolpha calls her lady bits a "pink taco" will be the day I die.

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78 comments:

PediNP said...

The day my son's 4th grade teacher was wearing a Pink Taco t-shirt to school (apparently it is a restaurant in Vegas?), was the day I thought I would die. Is she that clueless? Believe you me, those 4th grade boys know a lot of those terms for private parts....

Shinianen said...

Are you serious!? A teacher wore a Pink Taco shirt to school? Aye carumba.

Amy Flory said...

For a girl who love the f-bomb and doesn't even mind the c-word, I sure have a hard time hearing my kids say "butt" and "fart." Not because of the words themselves, but because it suggests my children are older. When they display their growing independence by wiping their own asses, it's awesome. When they do it by graduating from babyish terms for body parts and functions, it isn't.

Global Librarian said...

Until I read this post I would have seen a Pink Taco shirt and been completely oblivious as to it's meaning!

I really wish I could go back to that relative state of ignorance. Sadly, my innocence is now gone.

Angie said...

My 7 & 8 yr old boys call them peanuts or acorns! ha Don't know where in the world they got acorns from.

S4ephanie said...

Sunday, we were driving home from camping, just me and my 8 yr old in the car. He said "Looking Mommy!" I said "I can't Baby. I'm driving!" I glanced over at a stop light. He pulled his waist band out and said "I'm commando!" Shocked, I said "Don't do that! That's private!" He replyed "But your my mom!... I'm proud of it!"

He will hear this story when he's grown! LOL!

Stacey Nicole said...

I apologize now for laughing while I read this. Our boys are five and almost three. Their father has taught them to call their, er, privates "anaconda." Yes, anaconda. I dread when snakes are discussed at school. As for why mommy doesn't have an anaconda (yes, they have asked)? Daddy tells them I lost mine in a poker game. Nice. Our older son recently started exploring his nuts. When he asked what they were, I said "nuts." He looked at me and said "You're kidding!" No, no I'm not.

LisaS said...

What about 'chicken nuggets'?

lspence said...

Out of "nuts" "balls" and "junk" I prefer nuts. An friend of mine was upset when he then 2 year old said "boobies" but she eventually realized that this was pretty normal.

Kara said...

Have they seen the chipmunks movie? Alvin gets hit in the nuts and he says "My acorns!"

liz smith said...

sorry I have a 9 year old two and take nuts and don't fret. Really it could be worse. A year ago mine said he got kicked in the penis and actually got in trouble for saying penis......

KT said...

Hilarious! My boys call them their "boys" or their "parts". It's better than "Schlong-Dong".

William Hirschman said...

My son was about the same age when he referred to being hit in the "nuts", "balls" was used as well but nuts was the favorite. One day my daughter, 2 years his junior, came in the house and said she got "hit in the nuts" while playing ball. After a good laugh my wife and I decided not to correct her. She was very happy having something in common with her big brother that she always has (and still does) looked up to (both are in college and share an apartment). She would find out soon enough the truth, no harm. And it was pretty cute.

Cornabys said...

Wait until Gomer is a teenager. There are times I look at my two teen boys after they say something and go... "Ya know...I don't wanna know." Not that I can't generally figure out what's going on by context, but getting into the details just make someone embarrassed. Usually more them than me! Take that teenagers!

Terry Aney said...

Not sure where it came from or how long it'll last, but we use Ding Dong...not much diff from Schlong-Dong above, but sounds funnier IMO. And yes, our daughter (keeping up with her 3 bros) commonly says she got hit in the Ding Dong.

Sue said...

Reminds me of my friend's son, who reportedly told his daycare teacher "I have a very big penis." Later, the boy told his father the same thing, to which Dad replied, "Everything's relative, son."

Faithe Barrett said...

Ok I've never heard punk taco before. Luckily I'm not one to where restaurant shirts to school

Nicolette said...

Great post! I have two girls but I have two brothers and nuts is by far the more tame of all the possible options. I understand though it's hard to hear because you know it means they're not babies anymore. This will make for a good story when he is older.

Untouchable said...

Love it... What about cojones? Bollocks? When in doubt, teach them to say it in a different language, one nobody at the school or in the family speaks.

If I put in testicles in Google's translator
Hoden (German)
Hayalar (Turkish)
Bol (Indonesian)
Magairli (Irish)
Jadra (Polish)
korodani (Swahili)
ceilliau (Welsh... I wonder if it's pronounced like Caillou?)

My favorite: semennĂ­ky (Slovak)

Julie Workman said...

I was one of the pro-nuts FB peeps. I have 3 boys and a man-child. Nothing is sacred. My house always smells like ass & dirty socks. Someone is always laughing about the fact that mommy has 'bewbees' and no nuts. Underwear is worn on the head instead of the ass, and going commando is expected on the weekend. All I ask is that they keep it in their pants. It's hard to breathe in all this testosterone.

Alisa Brewer said...

Stones. I've been through it. My son is almost sixteen. Stones is as good as it gets.

momvet said...

HA! PINK TACO! That's just too funny. My kids are 13, 16, and 18. They've all been raised going to church, youth group Weds. Nights, etc. Time to loosen up, Mom. "Nuts" should be the least of your worries. Five of six years from now, if you've been flipping out over "nuts", you won't be told about Lolita, the girl who knows just what to do with said legumes and her herbalistic self medication. Keep an open mind and an open conversation. By far the lesser of the two evils.

mom keck said...

As a long time teacher of pre-teen boys yelling that you were hit or touched in that private area is a playground game and a way to let everyone know you know you are a guy and a macho one too. Seldom did anything serious really happen. If a boy that age was in fact kicked in the nuts they would be on the ground in pain unable to tell everyone about the incident. the name used to describe the area must of course call attention to your macho self and if your mom or teacher or even the female playground aid reacts to your shouts you score even more point. My answer is most always put some ice on it unless the kid is down for the count then go get the nurse and she give will give you ice to put on it and make out the incident report and call your mom too. Pink taco? must be s regional thing never heard that expression but then again I don't really listen when the slang is thick. Would like to think some word just mean what they mean.

Unknown said...

So timely for me! The four-year-old is discovering that he has more than just "mine penis." His sister (6) says they are "hangy things." But he also is a firm believer that tampons go in your butt and wears his underwear backwards.
So yeah. Nuts always wins over ballsack.
An aside: my girlfriends and I formed a (super classy) drinking club called the Snatch Club for Lady Drinkers. Try keeping your kids from saying snatch all the time.

Kristen Hudson said...

Gonads is a good proper term and hey we have gonads as well just a lot harder to hit!

Katie of Katie Creating said...

I really don't see how "Crotch" or "Junk" is any worse than "Nuts". Are they all a little crude? yes... but it's boys, and boys (at least when they are in groups, I find) tend to be a little crude. How many fart and poop jokes do they make?

Keesha said...

I am loving that we are still in the phase where stupid is a bad word. I cannot imagine. I swear like a gang member but I like innocent names for privates. My girl's parts are her dop-dop and for some reason my son's is just a penis. What does that say about gender issues in our home? Let's not even go there...

Mosaicwench said...

How about his "boys"? Twig and Berries?

Yegods they start early these days.

FireFliez on the Lilypad said...

Scoobies! We call it the scoobies!

Renee said...

Nuggets is what my son called them because nuts just seemed wrong and balls was just too much at the time. He called his whole boy area the twig and berries- my ex got him started on that one. (of course someone will have to make that bigger because twig and berries insinuates something is small)

Erin Bruner said...

kiwis

Ashley said...

When my brother and I were much younger (He was 4, I was 13), he went with me to the library and promptly decided he had to pee. He announced loudly to the intensely quiet library patrons that he had to "Go and drain his lizard." As he was doing so, he made the loudest "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" sounds of relief that he could. He marched out, let us all know that said lizard was drained, and very politely took himself to the kids section. I am STILL appalled.

Christine said...

Don't even have kids yet but am literally laughing out loud at this post. Love it!

imbogus1 said...

Don't call 'em 'tea bags' or do you ?????

Erin said...

A friend told her boys she used to have some but she kept peeing outside the toilet and then they got taken away and that's why she has to sit now.

Karla said...

I see no problem with balls or nuts. The other words are just silly. And really, the important thing to teach him is that one doesn't usually discuss one's nuts and balls with just anyone. The first time one of my kids referred to them as balls (to me), he was uncomfortable saying it to me. To his dad, who probably taught him the word, no problem.

Kim Conner said...

HAHA! This reminds me when my son told daycare that he had "a big penis, just like my dads. His is REALLLY big." Out of the mouths of babes.

Kristen Mae said...

I think it's fine. And I thought this was hilarious, btw. I saw one of your stupid un-fans on FB say that if this post was any indication of your writing that you needed help or some shit like that. If she had nuts, she would totes deserve to get kicked in them.

Hope your kid's nuts are okay.

Kristi said...

My boys are 12 and 9. My sister used to work for People Against Rape and, because of her stories, I taught my kids the proper names.....you would not believe how much trouble a kid can get into for saying "penis". I actually asked an assistant principal once "is that not what you call yours??"

Cherryl Dillon said...

my grandson is 5 and says nuts. figure it could be worse!

Jenn Nan said...

I think this might be your funniest post yet. I read it while I was getting a pedicure and looked like a freak because I was laughing so hard!!!!!!!

Our Family, Our Life said...

My 4th grader who heard it from her older brother described her lady parts as a taco, though she left out the pink part. Needless to say, we all had to sit down and have a conversation. Definitely not okay.

KT said...

Oh - and they're also referred to "Big Jim and the Twins." Good times.

Ashley Wood said...

Several years ago, my niece and nephew had just bathed. My nephew comes out naked (nekkid here in GA) in all his glory. My niece says "S, I see your penis (the only anatomically correct word they use)." He promptly grabs his nuts (used that for you) and says "and thems my balls!" His mom asks his dad "did you teach him that?" "Yeah! That's what they are!" Boys will boys...

RachRiot said...

My son (and my husband, for that matter) call it ding-ding, twigs and berries, nuts, junk, balls, nuggets, the peni OH GOD THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR NETHERS A LOT.

Kellie Matthews said...

Read: Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be by Logan Levkoff. It is a very good book that may help with some perspective about the importance of having your kids use the proper terminology for their genitals. Funny story though! Best of luck with that one.

Julie said...

Ha ha ha! I wish I'd thought of the sit down explanation - bathroom cleaning time would be SO much easier!!

Julie said...

My kids all know the proper words, but my son (almost 9) likes to use balls or nuts. Doesn't bother me, mainly because I know he wouldn't use the words in front of his teacher or grandmother. But we just watched an episode of The Regular Show where they referenced a character's "junk mail" - I told the kids I was going to start using that phrase because it made me laugh.

Stacey Nicole said...

That's funny, Erin! Last week, my five year old was in a bathroom stall with me (he had to go to the bathroom and I do not let him go into the men's bathroom in public alone). I had to go potty too, and when I sat down, my son said (rather loudly too) "Huh, I didn't know you could pee!" I asked him why he thought I couldn't pee; he said "Because you don't have a anaconda!" I was so thankful that no one else was in that bathroom!!!

Rebecca Williamson said...

There is a chain restaurant in my area called Fuzzy's Taco. It totally creeps me out.

Rebecca Williamson said...

My aunt has 2 boys and they call it their turtle.

Rebecca Williamson said...

Agreed. I have no issue with any term, but whatever a kid calls it, he or she need to learn that what you say in front of your friends is not always appropriate to say in front of grandma.

Sarah Bryant said...

My 10 yr old has been calling them balls for years. I prefer nuts for sure. I myself refer to them as their "stuff". Lol. In public I make him say crotch or privates. Or not say it at all.. ;-)

Kim said...

We've always called them their "McNuggets". Sorry McDonald's, lol!

withersfl said...

My 8 year old nephew calls his "ball bag". I cringe every time he says it!

Greg said...

We call them the berries (as in 'twig & berries') or wedding tackle in my house...

Maria Gagliano said...

This is awesome. I just had to share my story. We have always called them testicles as we have always called my daughter's privates a vagina. http://www.mariasspace.com/2013/09/nuts-balls-testicles-what-do-you-call.html

Laura Woitte said...

My son has always called his balls marbles. "Look at my marbles Mommy! How do I get them out?" No, No....we want to keep them in there!!!

Tana Shorey said...

Bally walls. Don't ask because I honestly don't know!

Max & Ruby's Mom said...

If a version of "Caillou" is a euphemism for nuts, my whole life is now perfect.

Elizabeth Catalano said...

I would've said this is an age-old question that really has no answer but by all the responses I see there are as many answers as there are words for nads (my favorite of the moment--I reserve the right to change my mind!) You gotta love the endless variety of the English language, not to mention other languages, as someone pointed out. This was hilarious.

NC lady said...

I thought "tea bag" was a verb?

NC lady said...

Being the "evil cusser parents" we are, we have learned a LOT! I think the most important thing we've learned is: Words have only as much power as you give them.

Eileen M said...

now I have a worse one for you, I had first heard "fish taco" from late teen early twenties men as a "dirty word", and then some restaurants started putting fish tacos on the menu, I can NOT order a fish taco in a restaurant. actually I cant say fish taco period, it has been ruined...

Eileen M said...

I dont think it is a good idea to tell young children that their bodyparts can be taken away especially something with all the mystery and wonder of their private parts. It makes far more sense to explain that Boys and Girls are born with different body parts...

Colleen Oleary said...

well tampons soaked in vodka have been known to be placed in teens' butts for a buzz that doesn't leave any alcohol scent on the breath for teachers and parents to smell since they caught on to alcohol in water bottles - the horror stories of middle and high school...

carly said...

In my house, the whole area down there is known as...the "twig and berries." lol Gomer would probably be teased for calling them berries too, though. And personally, I think the word "scrotum" is hilarious - I laugh every time I hear it. "Scrote" is new to me, but it made me laugh too.

Stacey Nicole said...

Eileen, I agree, especially with the older one (who can be very literal), but that's what their dad told them, not me. I also think kids should call their private parts by their proper names, but I know people become offended if kids do, so we (okay, husband) came up with the nicknames.

Jennifer said...

In that case, "fish taco period" is even worse!

awkwardlyaliveandpleasantlypeculiar.com said...

I always liked "Toilet Bits" - it just sounds so... innocent? Hahaha

Pierce's Mama said...

I think these comments are as funny as the original post! Here in my testosterone filled house, it's referred to as "business". As my husband often says to my 22 month old "Stop playing with your business, you'll have plenty of time to do that when you get married!" Ass.

Lisa Newlin said...

If he used the term "nards," I suspect he'd get a lot more kicks to that area...only they wouldn't be accidental or self inflicted.

Stick with nuts.

Penny said...

Big Jim and the twins!

Rebecca Ledbetter said...

I think my son started saying "balls" in the third grade. And now anytime the word ball is said, its always emphasized. eyeBALL, baseBALL. I dread to hear what the next word will be. I think any word talking about a dude's testicules is gross!

Lisa Ferrara said...

KT, I am now laughing so hard I can't breathe. OMG. That's the best!

Lisa Ferrara said...

I just remembered hearing "frank and beans." At least beans are slightly larger than berries...

Renee Russell said...

I know this is a bit off-topic... But almost 30 years ago when I lived in Hawaii (and way before there was a Pink Taco restaurant), a friend of mine worked for a scuba diving company. The owner had some "joke" t-shirts made up that were printed on bright pink fabric. On the front it said "The Bearded Clam Diver's Club." On the the back it said, "No Muff too Tough, We Dive at Five." The first time I saw it I laughed my butt off. It was always fun to be out with one of his divers at happy hour because someone would always buy them a round because of the t-shirt. The best part was he wouldn't sell them to anyone; you had to work for him to earn one. The funny part was, there were so many people that just didn't get it.

Oh, in our house we have a plethora of words for the "scrotal" area now that my boys are all over 12. We have good friends in the UK, so my boys have learned some interesting terms like "meat and two veg," "one-eyed trouser snake," "wedding tackle," etc. As long as they keep those words inside the house or among their friends and don't embarrass us with family, I'm okay with it.

UniquelyNan Vintage said...

In our house we use the term nads or cranberries. In my home growing up we used the term "GOODER" for penis.