Douchebag Teenagers and Their Parents

What would you do if your kid was a teenager who broke into an empty and beautiful home and partied like a rockstar and trashed the house? What would you do if your precious snowflake posted fucked up selfies on Twitter of his hard abs in the master bathroom mirror or asinine duckface slash cleavage shots around the keg in the living room? What would you do if the owner of the house came home to find his house destroyed by your brat? Would you punish your kid?

Of course not! That's just crazy! You would, of course, sue the homeowner for publicly shaming your piece of shit offspring.

I wish I was making this up. But, of course, I am not.

So there is an ex-NFL football player named Brian Holloway who owns a vacation home in upstate New York. Three hundred asshole teenagers broke into his house and wrecked it. I don't mean they spilled a little beer on his couch. I mean this house should probably be burned down because it's so messed up. People peed on his carpets. (People. Not animals who didn't know better. People. Human beings pulled down their pants and peed in the hallway.) People used markers and paint to write their names all over the walls, ceilings, etc. People broke windows and doors. And, oh yeah, they spilled some beer too. The owner is estimating $20,000 worth of damage, but after seeing the pictures, I think he's a little low.

While they were shitting in the bedroom and probably watching some girl get raped in the laundry room, they were also tweeting and Instagramming and whatever the fuck kids do these days to spread the word around the 'net that this party was "live" and everybody and their douchebag boyfriend should come.

No one said these kids were smart.

So, Brian Holloway scoured the Twitterverse and found all of these little shits and posted their selfies and their tweets on his website. He also encouraged them to come and help him clean his house because he was hosting a benefit for soldiers later that week. Instead of coming to help him, the parents started threatening him for posting their kids' tweets and photos on his website. (You should read the tweets, they are ridiculous.)

So let me get this straight. Adolpha and Gomer break into a house with 298 of their closest friends. They break everything they can, Adolpha takes a shit on the living room carpet while Gomer pukes his guts in the kitchen. They write MY PARENTS SUCK or whatever on the walls, all while photographing themselves doing these horrendous things and encouraging more shitheads to come and bring their own Sharpies and sharing it all on their social network. Then the cops come and they bolt and get away without me knowing. Then it's brought to my attention that my children's images and tweets are on a website showcasing their behavior and instead of punishing my kids or try to make amends, I call my attorney?

Because that's good parenting.

What the fuck?! No wonder these people's kids are such fucking assholes. THEY'RE assholes. Of course they raised assholes.

I don't even have to know these people to know they're the worst kind of people. I've read their spawn's tweets and their kids are fucking wastes of space. A bunch of bored middle class kids trying to be gansta with their douchebag Justin Bieber wardrobes and their Miley Cyrus-inspired tongues sticking out in every picture. These are the kind of kids I fucking hate. They make me want to smack their stupid vapid expressions off each of their fucking faces.

Holloway should be suing these kids for breaking and entering and trespassing and destroying his property. Not the other way around. And the parents should be responsible, because these kids are minors and they raised these assholes. Don't the parents have any sort of responsibility for this? Where do these parents get off thinking that he's in the wrong? What the hell? What sort of entitled brats are they raising? What message is being sent to these kids? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will sue the big bad man who is bullying you.

I don't know, but in my house if my kids are caught breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalizing someone's house, the shit will hit the fan. Juvenile detention will be my first call, not my attorney's office.