I've just learned of a new and highly profitable business venture. The catch is, to make any money in this new market you must be pregnant. The profit margins are so high, I'm thinking of coming out of baby-making retirement just so I can cash in on it before the bubble bursts.
What is this hot tip? You ask.
Used positive pregnancy tests. As in peed upon sticks.
Yup, I just need to get knocked up and then mail out some used pregnancy tests to strangers for cash. You can buy a pregnancy test at the Dollar Store and then charge 15 times what you paid. However, I'm not down with those low-brow pieces of crap. If I was going to do this, I would run a business of repute. I would stand by the quality and workmanship of my pee sticks. I would splurge for the high enders and still charge 15 times. They're name brand and they're worth every penny.
Yeah, I'm not making this up. It's really happening.
Craigslist has some listings advertising used pregnancy tests for anywhere from $15 - 40.
I know what you're thinking.
Yeah, I was thinking that too.
And also, Damn, that's a nice ROI.
And then finally, WTF?
Apparently it's a HILARIOUS gag to play on friends and family. "Hey honey! I know we just got all the kids off to college and bought a boat, but guess who's preggers, stud?" or "Hey mom, for my Sweet Sixteen it looks like I'm going to need some baby booties!"
Yeah, it's totally hilarious when you give your 50-year-old husband a mild heart attack or when your mom smacks the shit out of your prom date because she thinks he's your baby daddy. Doesn't everyone just love those sorts of pranks?
It's also a really dirty trick for an ex-boyfriend. "Oh you think you're leaving me, you son of a bitch? Not until you pay up, because look what you've done, Big Daddy!"
I don't know why people are buying these things. I guess I don't really care.
I'm just wondering about the first woman who put her positive pregnancy test on Craigslist. How did that even come about? How was that an idea?
I'm going to say it started with an oversharer. You've seen them. Before they host their gender reveal party and post grainy ultrasound pictures on Facebook they post a snapshot of The Test: a nice (always high end) EPT-looking pregnancy test with the results quite clear and the yellowed end discreetly capped and/or cropped out of the photo.
So New Mommy Oversharer probably posted the picture and all of her family and friends squealed and congratulated her. And then there was that one weird friend she hasn't seen since middle school who commented on the picture, "Oh, I totally need that thing. Can I have it?"
"Why would you want my pregnancy test?" the Oversharer asked.
"Because I would love to play a joke on my husband."
"That doesn't sound very funny," Oversharer said. "That sounds kind of mean."
"That's what makes it such a great prank. Duh! When can I come and get it?"
"You can't have this one. This is the original! This one is going in the baby book!"
"OK, so just pee on another one and drop it in the mail to me."
"No! That is so weird."
"C'mon. I'll pay you for it."
And that's probably when Oversharer's third cousin jumped into the convo. "If she won't do it, I will!" said Cuz.
"Are you pregnant?" the friend asked.
"Yeah. Sorta. I'm pretty sure. I haven't taken a test yet. I spent my 'mad money' this week on lottery tickets so now I've got to wait until next payday. Send me twenty bucks and I can buy a test and mail it to you."
So after expenses, Cuz netted around 17 bucks. That's a lot of scratch offs for a gallon of water and just a few minutes of work. This got her thinking. She only had a few more months of pregnancy and she could make bank just by going to the bathroom. She needed to find some more suckers willing to buy her used pregnancy tests. She turned to Craigslist. She sat down at her computer and constructed her ad:
FOR SALE - Affordable USED pregnancy test $15 - 100% positive. Excellent condition, each one guaranteed to be less than a week old. Price includes a modesty cap and the original box. Great gag gift, office prank, stocking stuffer, and/or blackmailing tool (I cannot be held responsible for any blackmailing attempts using my product). So many uses for this device: Funny prank to pull on post-vasectomy Hubby! Great conversation starter with your teenage daughter and her boyfriend when you ask her to take a pregnancy test and then swap the results! Get that deadbeat boyfriend to pop the question! Hysterical when you email a pic to your mom and then break the news that you've decided to never have children! Gained a little weight this month? This positive pregnancy test will get your trainer off your back!
The models I currently have in stock are from the Dollar Store, but I am flexible on brands. PM me for details and pricing on my upgrade program. Frequent buyers: Buy 2 Get the 3rd FREE.
Be sure to check out my other ad: DRUG FREE URINE.
So if you're lucky enough to find yourself pregnant right now, then what are you waiting for? Just cut and paste my ad into Craigslist and watch the dollars roll in, because ladies, you've got a gold mine in your bladder!
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