People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

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Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

Cha-ching!
I never enjoyed being pregnant. I never "glowed." I slept like crap and something was always aching, sore, or bulging. After Adolpha was born, I knew I was too damn old to ever do it again.

HOWEVER.

I've just learned of a new and highly profitable business venture. The catch is, to make any money in this new market you must be pregnant. The profit margins are so high, I'm thinking of coming out of baby-making retirement just so I can cash in on it before the bubble bursts.

What is this hot tip? You ask.

Used positive pregnancy tests. As in peed upon sticks.


Yup, I just need to get knocked up and then mail out some used pregnancy tests to strangers for cash. You can buy a pregnancy test at the Dollar Store and then charge 15 times what you paid. However, I'm not down with those low-brow pieces of crap. If I was going to do this, I would run a business of repute. I would stand by the quality and workmanship of my pee sticks. I would splurge for the high enders and still charge 15 times. They're name brand and they're worth every penny.

Yeah, I'm not making this up. It's really happening.


Craigslist has some listings advertising used pregnancy tests for anywhere from $15 - 40.

I know what you're thinking.

Ewww.

Yeah, I was thinking that too.

And also, Damn, that's a nice ROI.

And then finally, WTF?

Apparently it's a HILARIOUS gag to play on friends and family. "Hey honey! I know we just got all the kids off to college and bought a boat, but guess who's preggers, stud?" or "Hey mom, for my Sweet Sixteen it looks like I'm going to need some baby booties!"

Yeah, it's totally hilarious when you give your 50-year-old husband a mild heart attack or when your mom smacks the shit out of your prom date because she thinks he's your baby daddy. Doesn't everyone just love those sorts of pranks?

It's also a really dirty trick for an ex-boyfriend. "Oh you think you're leaving me, you son of a bitch? Not until you pay up, because look what you've done, Big Daddy!"

I don't know why people are buying these things. I guess I don't really care.

I'm just wondering about the first woman who put her positive pregnancy test on Craigslist. How did that even come about? How was that an idea?

I'm going to say it started with an oversharer. You've seen them. Before they host their gender reveal party and post grainy ultrasound pictures on Facebook they post a snapshot of The Test: a nice (always high end) EPT-looking pregnancy test with the results quite clear and the yellowed end discreetly capped and/or cropped out of the photo.

So New Mommy Oversharer probably posted the picture and all of her family and friends squealed and congratulated her. And then there was that one weird friend she hasn't seen since middle school who commented on the picture, "Oh, I totally need that thing. Can I have it?"

"Why would you want my pregnancy test?" the Oversharer asked.

"Because I would love to play a joke on my husband."

"That doesn't sound very funny," Oversharer said. "That sounds kind of mean."

"That's what makes it such a great prank. Duh! When can I come and get it?"

"You can't have this one. This is the original! This one is going in the baby book!"

"OK, so just pee on another one and drop it in the mail to me."

"No! That is so weird."

"C'mon. I'll pay you for it."

And that's probably when Oversharer's third cousin jumped into the convo. "If she won't do it, I will!" said Cuz.

"Are you pregnant?" the friend asked.

"Yeah. Sorta. I'm pretty sure. I haven't taken a test yet. I spent my 'mad money' this week on lottery tickets so now I've got to wait until next payday. Send me twenty bucks and I can buy a test and mail it to you."

"Done."

So after expenses, Cuz netted around 17 bucks. That's a lot of scratch offs for a gallon of water and just a few minutes of work. This got her thinking. She only had a few more months of pregnancy and she could make bank just by going to the bathroom. She needed to find some more suckers willing to buy her used pregnancy tests. She turned to Craigslist. She sat down at her computer and constructed her ad:

FOR SALE - Affordable USED pregnancy test $15 - 100% positive. Excellent condition, each one guaranteed to be less than a week old. Price includes a modesty cap and the original box. Great gag gift, office prank, stocking stuffer, and/or blackmailing tool (I cannot be held responsible for any blackmailing attempts using my product). So many uses for this device: Funny prank to pull on post-vasectomy Hubby! Great conversation starter with your teenage daughter and her boyfriend when you ask her to take a pregnancy test and then swap the results! Get that deadbeat boyfriend to pop the question! Hysterical when you email a pic to your mom and then break the news that you've decided to never have children! Gained a little weight this month? This positive pregnancy test will get your trainer off your back!

The models I currently have in stock are from the Dollar Store, but I am flexible on brands. PM me for details and pricing on my upgrade program. Frequent buyers: Buy 2 Get the 3rd FREE. 

Be sure to check out my other ad: DRUG FREE URINE.

So if you're lucky enough to find yourself pregnant right now, then what are you waiting for? Just cut and paste my ad into Craigslist and watch the dollars roll in, because ladies, you've got a gold mine in your bladder!

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37 comments:

Danielle Hewes said...

Hysterical as always! Apparently some of the ads are on my area's craigslist, a local blog did a story a couple days ago and my 1st thought was: skeezy bitches getting money to "fix the problem" from their POS ex's. Turned a $15 investment into what, $500? Not sure of the going rate at the clinic these days but that's a hefty profit!

Melissa Rocha said...

ROFL! This is great!

lspence said...

I've known a few women, in high school and college, who lied about thinking they were pregnant when their boyfriends tried to break up with them. I always thought that it was a pretty low and desperate thing to do. But this is way to far.

Dawnn Doychak said...

This is funny...I have about 8-10 weeks left of my final pregnancy...maybe THIS is how I will pay for the stuff we need! =)

Rikki said...

Yeah, this is disgusting on so many levels. Nothing like people using positive pee sticks as a joke when thousands of women everywhere are just hoping they can produce one of those bad boys.

Anywho...

I saw this post and thought of you. Please, oh please, crank out a doozy for this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/06/texas-truck-decal-woman_n_3881700.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Mexmom said...

Ewww... that is just plain crazy

Lucky Mama (Little Rock Mamas) said...

Just disturbing -- how do people come up with these things?
My guess is the women who buy these are the same ones who end up stabbing a pregnant lady, stealing her baby and then claiming it as their own. Yup, totally an episode of Private Practice waiting to happen.

Stephanie said...

Funny that you write about this because I just finished "Gone, Girl" by Gillian Flynn and one of the main characters used a preg test that a preggo friend had peed on (without her knowledge!) to make it seem like she was pregnant (and killed by her cheating husband). So.......yeah......yikes!

Susan Brinkley said...

You could just start taking HCG. That'll net a positive test without all the pesky side effects of actually being pregnant.

Susan Brinkley said...

Loved Gone Girl!!

Robyn Welling said...

The idea itself is hilarious, but your ad is PERFECTION! Off to start my new business...

Carisa Miller said...

I knew I was saving my positive pregnancy tests for something...HILARIOUS.

Alissa Smith said...

I'm with Rikki! I would love to hear what you think of that article.

Rhiannon said...

I'm guessing they want them for welfare or wic. I had to prove I was pregnant for wic.

Mocadeaux said...

I bet some of these are purchased by gals wanting to provide "proof" of why their boyfriend should marry them rather than break up with them. Because a fake pregnancy is an AWESOME way to start out a marriage. And if the choice is break up or marry - the right answer is alway: break up.

Sarah Bryant said...

Lol. I am what you consider an oversharer. I totally posted my pregnancy test and every ultrasound pic, and have since posted billions of pics of my kid that maybe nobody bt me wants to see. But I dont care! :-) I tried for this baby girl for six years and dang it, I had to/ have to share!

Lichen Frank said...

5 years ago, when I was preggo, a good friend asked me to pee on a stick for her, so she could play a birthday prank on her vasectomized husband. She changed her mind when he fell down the stairs and cracked his skull open, just from a clutz move. She didn't want to see what would happen if she showed him a positive pee stick.

habitsofthinking said...

Hmm, well that puts getting pregnant at the top of MY list, haha.

Jankowski Family Fun said...

YES!!! Mama's gettin' paid, kids!!

Notso supermom said...

I might be too grossed out to even laugh at this.

Tamara Cole said...

Baffled......and......speechless......

Myriam Francoeur said...

You know, you don't even have to be pregnant! The instructions always say to read the test before x amount of time (usually 5 minutes), because after that, evaporation will likely cause a false positive to appear. So, just get a bunch of dollar store test (in Qu├ębec, they are the most sensitive test on the market anyway) to cut your loss if a few turn out negative, and you're golden!

Meredith said...

Get out! I had absolutely no idea this was a thing. Cringing and scraping my jaw off the floor...

Elizabeth Catalano said...

Just....wow! Hilarious and disturbing, best of both worlds.

krumbley said...

Why didn't I think of this during my last pregnancy? My kid could be going to college!

Cara Lyn Erickson said...

oh. em. gee! that is all I can say about that!

Rachael Taylor said...

Im thinking they need them for government assistance. Prove your pregnant and get all the assistance.

Bethanie said...

This is popular amoung adoption scamers. Fake birthmom "proves" pg to get money or just attention from families hopeing to adopt.

wtfelsewhere said...

Holy. Shit! Your over-sharer theory sounds completely on the money... Wow. LOL

wtfelsewhere said...

Now that I think of it, this is probably only reasonably profitable for those who have a planned conception. Others would probably only wind up with enough money to have it "taken care of".

Darcy Perdu said...

Hilarious! Cracked up at: "Oh, I totally need that thing. Can I have it?"

Jennifer said...

I have seen ads like these and I think it is terrible that people do this. Pregnancy isn't a joke. One ad I saw told the buyer to trick boyfriend into proposing and then fake a miscarriage. After 2 stillbirths, I am not laughing.

Cindy Smith said...

I'm thinking they're not buying them so much for pranks but for blackmail... and what about tricking some guy into giving them a few hundred bucks for an abortion they don't really need? Oh my ... the possibilities are endless. What a sick world!

Parri Sontag said...

This is hysterical! Loved your ad!

Sol-Natalia Herrington-Catalan said...

New business. .. drug free urine hahaha

Lis said...

Talk about an oversharer- I had a friend mail me a used test in a baggie....in the summer. The smell hit me as soon as I opened it. I've never been less excited about a pregnany announcement. I want to gag right now thinking about it...

Halfa1000miles said...

Damn, you should just mass market a fake one. I'm not even kidding.