|Have you seen me-ow?|
Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!
This was the second call in a week. When I received the first one, I thought it was just strange and chalked it up as a prank call or something random. I didn't think much of it until yesterday when I got the call about Tiger. Then that night, as we were sitting down to dinner, the phone started ringing again. I answered and was greeted by an automated voice telling me that this was another Pet Amber Alert and I swear to God I think he said, it was a "tortoise" that was missing this time. I couldn't hear for sure, because that's when I started yelling:
"Oh hell no! Stop calling me," I screamed into the phone and slammed it down. I know no one hears me yelling except my own family, but it made me feel better.
I am inundated on a daily basis with robo calls and I am irritated beyond belief with ALL of them. My congressman won't stop calling me (I didn't vote for you, asshole, take me off your list.), some shady sounding mortgage company who is offering me a "one time" only chance to refinance (If it is really a "one time" offer then why are you calling me twice a day?), and non-profits who will have donation trucks "in my area" on Monday (Half the time they say they're coming and I put my stuff on the curb, then they never show up. Ugh.).
I can not add another robo spam call to the mix. I just can't. Especially when it's about a missing pet. Look, I'm sorry that Tiger is missing and that sucks and you must be very upset, but you can't pay some asshole company 60 bucks to spam me with details about your dog. I will hang up every time. I will never listen to that message. That's absolute bullshit. Make a flyer and post that shit on a pole somewhere.
Also, you can't call it an "Amber Alert." That is a name that is reserved for missing kids. You can't take that name and just add "pet" to it and think that's OK. An Amber Alert is serious business and yes, I know pet owners think their missing pets are serious, but not as serious as a missing kid. You just can't compare the two. I've ranted on this before and I've heard that I'm a heartless asshole and it still hasn't changed my opinion. Your missing dog is not as important as a missing kid. Period.
I know all about the Do Not Call List and I'm on it. However, all of these organizations (including the damn Amber Pet Alert) are exempt and get to call me. In fact, Pet Amber Alert's site indicates they can call me four times within an hour!!
When I mentioned these calls to some friends, one commented that she's seen a flyer in her neighborhood for a missing cat. The flyer says "His name is Batman, but he answers to Bruce." Now, that's a robo call I'd actually like to hear. I imagine it would go something like this:
Hi, This is Jen from Pet Amber Alert. Your neighbor Sam on Spruce Street is missing his cat. He is a tabby with white paws and kind eyes. His name is Batman, but he answers to Bruce. Sam last saw Batman downtown at the ASPCA gala event. Batman was wearing a tiny tuxedo and he was accompanied by his girlfriend, Catwoman, who answers to Laverne. Laverne is also missing, but her owner did not purchase an alert, so no description of her will be given here. Sam is uncertain as to where Batman could be. He believes that Batman is still downtown somewhere fighting crime and has perhaps lost his way back home to the mansion maybe due to a head injury. Some friends of Laverne have been floating the idea that the two cats have run off together to start a new life, but Sam is adamant that Batman would not leave without saying goodbye. If you see Batman do not try and catch him. He is a lethal killer and will most likely injure anyone who tries to nab him. He is a smart cat, but he cannot resist a damsel in distress or a bank robbery. He would most likely investigate either of these crimes and then he can be captured carefully. Sam suggests luring Batman into a cage using a fake penguin on a string while making purring sounds at the same time and saying quietly, "There, there, Batman. It's OK, The commissioner sent me."
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