Kansas Legislators

Dear Kansas Legislators,

I don't know how to say this so that you will understand, but I'll try:  STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BEDROOM AND MY UTERUS, YOU COCKSUCKERS.

Sincerely,

Jen

KS Senator Mary Pilcher-Cook.  A disgrace to women.

Was that clear?  I am so pissed off tonight after reading that the newest, boldest, most dangerous anti-abortion bill passed in the Kansas Legislature and is now wending its to big baby Brownback who will most likely sign it into law.  Kansas Senator Mary Pilcher-Cook (literally the first person I've ever wanted to call the c-word on my blog) was quoted as saying, "This is about respecting the rights to conscience and others' beliefs.  Let's protect peoples' beliefs."  I don't know, I don't feel like my beliefs are protected at all.  No one's worrying about me and my daughter.

This bill will allow doctors to lie to their patients and tell them that abortions cause cancer, it will charge rape victims a sales tax on their abortions, it could allow medical providers to limit birth control if they deem it necessary and it will put the health of a fetus over the health of a living, breathing (kicking and screaming) woman.

I am so sick to my stomach right now I could scream.  I am so furious, I am crying angry tears as I type this.  My daughter is sleeping peacefully in her bed upstairs and has no idea of the fucking nightmare that is happening.  Right now she is losing rights to her own body and there is nothing I can do to stop that.

We talk in school and on the internet a lot about bullies, well let me tell you, these Republican lawmakers are fucking bullies.  They are bullying women back into the kitchen and back into the baby factories.  Fuck you, Mr. Big Shot and a big, special fuck you very much to the women Republican lawmakers.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Don't you understand what you're doing??  Don't you see what is happening here?  We are being put back in "our place."  You have a chance to do good for your fellow woman and instead you are limiting her ability to choose what is right for her!

I get that you don't want to have an abortion.  Fine.  No one asked you to.  No one said you had to.  But don't you dare take legal, safe abortions away from women.  Think about the women who will continue to find a place to go, whether it's a dark alley or a dirty clinic.  Think about these women who will die, because of a botched job.

This is a fight that women on all sides should be fighting.  Why can't we fight together for our reproductive rights?  Why can't we fight together to demand we have access to the safest and best medical care this country can provide (I'm not saying free medical care, I'm just saying doctors who don't lie to us and perform invasive procedures without cause)?

Do you want your daughters locked in towers and chastity belts?  Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and lawmakers were demanding that families could only have 1 or 2 children instead of as many as are right for you and your husband?  Can you imagine if your daughters were told that at 12 or 13 they must submit to being put on birth control?  We should be working together to ensure that we and our daughters have the right to treat our bodies the way we want to treat them.  This is such a private matter and it should not be decided by a roomful of old, white men.

I'm especially outraged that this bill allows doctors to lie to their patients.  What is happening to our country?  If we can't trust our doctors to tell us the truth and to treat us with dignity and respect and HONESTY, where will we go for treatment?  I will now have to ask my OB if he's a conservative or a liberal (and hope he tells me the truth) in addition to Do you take Aetna?

I am truly frightened for the future of this country.  We are going backwards instead of forwards.  Politicians are so busy worrying about gays and lesbians ruining the precious sanctity of marriage and unborn fetuses, and women's reproductive health that they're forgetting that we're in a recession and that we have millions of people looking for work and that we're fighting a fucking war.  Get out of our bedrooms and get back to work, you fucking tools.

I will do what I can, but I am only one person.  I swear to God that I will NEVER vote Republican in any election again as long as this party continues to preach and advocate against women's health.  The change has to come from inside the party.  I vow that I will vote in every election from here on out, including the fucking Board of Education and I will vote for anything BUT a Republican.  I don't care if it's a fucking dog on the ballot and a Republican, I will vote for the dog until the Republican party changes.  

And to those of you who are reading this and thinking, I don't live in Kansas, this has nothing to do with me.  You're wrong.  They're coming for you too.  It's just a matter of time.  It's a wave.  They just need to get it started.

One more thing, if you don't agree with my politics and you think this bill is a good idea and you want to say so, make sure you say it respectfully.

BE RESPECTFUL TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.  YOUR FIGHT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER.  It may seem hypocritical for me to rant and rave and then say you can't rant and rave.  I'm saying this, because I wrote this piece and I'm prepared to take criticism, but the people who comment here are not in a position to be attacked, they're just commenting and they didn't ask for a fight.  If you want to fight, go start your own blog.

Weekly Wrap Up 5.6.12

Well, the week is over and I'm ready to wrap this one up.  I had a great time at KCUR being interviewed by Steve Krasky.  I know a lot of you listened and I appreciate that.  I heard from many of you that I didn't "sound" like you thought I would.  I warned you guys that I sound like a 12 year old.  It works great for telemarketers ("No, my mommy isn't home.").  I'm not sure what you expected.  I heard that I should sound "gravelly" or like I smoke 2 packs of smokes a day.  Haha.  Just because my personality is that of a crotchety 65 year old man, it doesn't mean I should sound like one.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Pastor Sean Harris - This post was about a pastor who encouraged his flock to beat the gay out of their kids.  He's since retracted his comments and/or apologized or something like that, but I believe he's only sorry he got caught saying such horrible things.


Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia - I learned something new this week when I was writing this one.  I did not know that over tanning is an actual medical condition.  Who knew?  I also learned that human beings can look like leather couches.


10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously) - This was a total change for me.  I was feeling soft and gooey and so I wrote this one.  I got some heat from some jerks (what else is new?), but for the most part, the majority of the readers embraced it and added their own.  It's a good exercise to try every now and again.


The Worst Interview I've Ever Had - The Hubs and I were watching a TV show where there was an embarrassing interview.  The Hubs didn't think it was realistic.  For me it triggered a flashback to 15 years ago when I made a complete and total ass out of myself.


And I wrote some new posts this week for Babble.  You can read them here.


Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):


I recently began attending a church with a friend. I've been a Christian all my life but was looking for a new church. The pastor there hasn't advocated "beating the gay out", but the message they preach is loud and clear: "we need to love these sinners enough to tell them the truth. The truth being that they are wrong." I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the fact that God would hate someone because they're gay. Aren't we all "fearfully and wonderfully made"??? I feel like some Christians, like those at this church, are making the world a lot more divisive than it was ever supposed to be. on Pastor Sean Harris


jen, this is why i think you're a great blogger!! yesterday you're punching nutella and today you take on something serious, something that needs a tough punch. thanks for keeping it all in perspective! and you're so right about this guy. why didn't his parents beat the mean out of him, since it's so cool to abuse your kids??? on Pastor Sean Harris


I love that reporters asked Snooki about it and even she said the lady was too tan and that her baby was only going to have a natural tan. on Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia


Anyone else think "omg, why is this chick wearing "blackface" makeup?" Then I read the headline. Not sure which is worse. She needs the punch more than the jail time. on Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia


Great job on the NPR interview, Jen! It's great to put a voice with the rants. Wink. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


Had one interview where I was supposed to tell a joke. Huh? I didn't know any. Awkward! I knew the job wasn't mine right then and there. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


I had an interviewer ask me what ingredient in a salad I would be. I said cucumber because they are cool and crunchy. I didn't get the job. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


I had a job interview once where they asked which character from Winnie the Pooh you were most like. So awkward! on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


I was asked why manhole covers are round. He told me months later that the point was that I tried to answer, not that I was right. I once worked at a mall store and got to make up a couple questions when I interviewed people. I would ask what they were for Halloween; I think it tells you a lot about a person. And I'm an ant, because I'm a team player and I'm a lot stronger than I look. (B.S., but I think it sounds good.) on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had


Jen... I couldn't read this whole post because it was too happy. Wasn't what I was looking for. But I'm all up to date on your other posts, which were admirably crabby! on 10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)


I love that you can be both a smart ass and positive. I think many people think you have to be either rainbows/unicorns or negative! on 10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia

Tanorexia?  Really?  There's actually a word for people addicted to artificial tanning?  If that's the case, then Patricia Krentcil is Bat Shit Tanorexic.  WTF???  Have you seen her?  Every time I see her on TV I just think, Why is that leather handbag talking?  And then I think, Oh wait, it's a woman...I think it's the lady from Something About Mary...Did they make another one or something?  

Remember when we thought THIS woman was impossibly tan?

No, I refuse to let her hide behind a "medical condition."  I just don't believe it.  Patricia's problem is not that she's addicted to artificial tanning, her problem is she's a nut bar - with extra nuts.

I could make a nice love seat with that leather.  Oh wait!  It's a person!

This lady just proves that it is harder to adopt a dog than have a kid.  Parenthood is not for everyone.  Some people are just too dumb to be parents and this lady is one of them.

I am a slacker parent and I own it.  I don't always feed my kids the healthiest foods or answer their every beck and call.  This woman is beyond slacker.  This woman is plain irresponsible.

There should be a test everyone must pass to be a parent.  There should be questions like:  Would you ever make meth in your house? or Quick - there's a fire.  What do you grab first?  Your smokes, your beer or your kid?  I guess now there's another question that needs to be added to my test:  Is it ever appropriate to put goggles on your 5 year old and let her play in the room where you're basking in lethal rays of light?

Look, obviously Patricia Krentcil is not well.  I believe that she doesn't realize how bad it was for her daughter to come in the tanning room with her - thus the need for my parent trap test.  However, I don't necessarily think Patricia needs 10 years in prison to pay for this error in judgment, but I do think she needs some serious medical help.  She's definitely suffering from her addiction to tanning and I just watched this TMZ video that made me think she's a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs for more than just tanning.

Pastor Sean Harris

Well, if this isn't everything I absolutely hate.  Have you heard of this guy yet?  Apparently, Sean Harris is a Pastor of a North Carolina church and on Sunday he gave his parishioners a "special dispensation" to "punch" their effeminate boys and "rein" in their girls so that they "talk like a girl, walk like a girl and smell like a girl."  The media got wind of this tirade and published his fiery rant that you can listen to here.  This is the quote:

"So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, 'Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,' you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.

Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too butch, you reign her in. And you say, 'Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.'"

Now that the media has outed him as an advocate of child abuse, the pastor has published a "clarification" where he says his words were misquoted.

Hmmm...I don't know, the audio was pretty clear to me.  I didn't hear anything that required clarification.  I heard him loud and clear tell his audience to punch their kids if they seem gay to them.

And we wonder why so many young homosexual people are killing themselves.

What a despicable person this pastor is.  What is wrong with this man?  What preacher gets on his pulpit and tells his followers to squash their children's behavior like a "cockroach"?  Where is the love?  Where is the compassion?  Where is the understanding for a child who might be struggling or might not be secure in himself or herself?

I am angry - no, I am furious - because Sean Harris is basically telling his flock to beat the gay out of their kids.  Actually, he's not even saying just gay kids need to be beat.  He's saying if your kid is just an effeminate boy or a tomboyish girl they need to be set straight - physically.  He's encouraging his people to hit 4 year olds.  

Who are the people in church giggling and calling out "Amen" when he tells the Dads to "crack that wrist"??  It is disgusting and depressing to me that these people are parents and they can laugh at such pointed calls for violence against children who don't fit their ideals.  These people are supposed to protect their children and to love them unconditionally and instead they're chuckling at the idea of slapping the gay out of them like they're in a comedy club.  Even worse, they're raising a new generation of close-minded people who will continue on in their parent's path.

I am so tired of people like Sean Harris who just take the words of the Bible and twist them and turn them to suit their needs when they want to hate someone.  We all "pick and choose" the parts of the Bible we're going to hold gospel.  Everyone just picks different parts.  I'm going to pick "love your neighbor as yourself."

RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA:  Fight discrimination and VOTE NO on Amendment One on May 8.

Photo source:  David Costello Dominici

Weekly Wrap Up 4.28.12

What a douchetacular week this was!  The Hubs and I had a great time taking on the douches of America.  It made our marriage stronger to fight a common enemy, so I'd like to thank all the douches who made it possible.

Holy crap, this is a long one!  I hope you finish it, because it's got some kick ass comments.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Douchey Dads - Whoa Nelly, this one started some discussion, didn't it?  I haven't seen so many panties in a bunch since the Elf on the Shelf.  I think it's real interesting that I can bash on OAMs, women celebrities, women I see at school or at the store and no one says "boo" to me.  But the MINUTE I talk about a man being a dick, I always get a few jackholes who pull this shit:   "stick to what you know" (little woman).  I always add the little woman part in my head, because it just sounds better.  Or "why don't you write about minivans and elves, because you don't know anything about men."  (Sweetheart.)  Again, just more assholish.

If it's not these dicks telling me to mind my own business, it's their lady folk coming out to defend their men.  They really can cause a fury, can't they?  I'm sorry your husband is a tool and you just figured that out.  It's not my fault that many in this world see him this way and you missed the memo.

When I wasn't being told to shut it, I was accused of being jealous.  Jealous of what, exactly?  Let's see, I work from home, I'm self employed and I can afford a cluuuubb membership.  I could easily be at the club in the middle of the day yukking it up and posing like a big wig with those asswipes closing deals and whatnot - I'm in sales after all.  So I guess I'm not jealous of that.  Oh I know, I must be jealous of their ability to shit without stank.  That is a gift.

Douchey Dad Revisted - I really wanted to be done with all the haters that commented on my post.  I thought that a lot of you guys really put these dickheads in their place (thank you for always stepping up and defending me, it means a lot to me) and I just was over it and ready to move on.

The Hubs was hot, though.  He decided he had something to say and wow, did he say it!

All of the love he received on this post inspired him to start his own Facebook page and I think he's toying with the idea of a blog.  Lord help us if he becomes more popular than me.

Step One of My World Domination Plan - I'm going to be interviewed by Kansas City's NPR station next week and I was ruminating on what exactly I'll say when the interviewer calls my bullshit.  "What makes you different?"  Even with all the kind words and amazing comments, I'm still pretty sure I sound like a 12 year old girl and I'm going to mumble something like, "Umm....uhh....I say 'fuck' a lot.  Oh, crap, can I say that on NPR?"

I think it will be Thursday that I do the interview.  I will let you know on my Facebook page, Twitter and the blog.  If you're local you can hear it on the radio at KCUR or you can listen to the podcast or live on their website.

Me & My Cleaning Lady - Update on Rosa.  She really did move to Omaha.  All of her clients got dumped.  Her husband got a job offer while she was visiting family in Mexico and he couldn't wait for her to get back.  She was aware he was going, so it wasn't like she came home to an empty house or anything.  On Monday she showed up at my door with her daughter, Rosa Jr., and offered to have her clean my house.  It caught me by such surprise that I wasn't sure what to do.  I heard from many of you recommending your cleaning ladies too.  I think I'll start with Rosa's daughter and see how I like her and if I'm not happy I'll start interviewing the list I have.  Thanks for the referrals!


My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies If Necessary):

Ok, so I have been thinking about all these comments, and I do see some of the opposing points. I agree that you can't know any given persons specific situation. This particular guy may or may not have been a DD, this occourance just made it sound that way. Any one given guy out there that does something douchey may not be a DD, BUT that does not change the fact that there are DD's out there. Ok, maybe the yucking and fake tone and douchey 'in the way-ness' and "concern" over the tooth may have all been accidental coincidences, maybe the guy is an on call doc and is hardly ever at that club, does not change the fact that we all know the KIND of person Jenn is talking about and you can picture them and that false tone and the yucking - the GD yucking....and it is f'n funny!!

Adressing the people that say "well at least he is around and involved" - the title is not "Bad, jackass, POS, deadbeat dad", it is Douchey Dad, so I don't think Jenn was trying to address that particular sort of dad at all. (correct me if I am wrong, Jenn).
I admire the people that politely disagree, they say "hm, just didn't get it Jenn, and I don't agree but I will keep reading", as Jenn is, you are also entitled to your oppinion and you make it easy for me to respect your oppinion when you put it respectfully without angrily lashing out with evil rants.
I fear the people that were the most ANGRY about a funny light-hearted jab at a general type of person either KNOW this person, his wife or are a whooooole lot like them.
That is all (for now), Devan on Douchey Dads

Exactly!  This guy was a douche because he came into our space and took over.  We rented the room from the club and we were getting ready for a private event that he was not invited to.  Maybe this is the room he always steps into to take his calls, because usually it's empty, fine.  All I wanted him to do was acknowledge that he was in the way.  All he needed to do was look up from his self-absorbed phone call and say, "Whoops, I didn't realize anyone was in here.  Sorry about that."  Instead, he proceeded to have a private, loud, annoying conversation with his wife and kid and even when he was prompted with, "Excuse me," the guy moved 6 inches.  Six inches, people, and not a bit more.  This is why he's a douche.  

Why are there so many people saying "Give the Dad the benefit of the doubt". This is pathetic. Why is it that when a father does something he SHOULD do, he is appaulded? WTF? Seriously? I know that there are a LOT of so called men out there that don't do the right thing, but this is ludicrous. Why do we allow ourselves to let it slide when "men" don't step up. The reason this Dad is a Douche is because he wasn't sincere. His wife probably gave him the heads up before he answered the phone what Champ was going to call about. Your Damn right he SHOULD have taken the call. What he also should have done is taken the call outside or to a really privite room where people were not clearly working to get an event set up. on Douchey Dads 

Precisely.  Yeah, he talked to his kid, but seriously why should he get props for that?  Why do dads always get bonus points for parenting and mothers only lose points?  No one ever congratulates a mother for taking her kid's call.  He's the kid's dad, of course he should talk to him.  He was not in the middle of a business meeting (believe me, I could hear that whole conversation too and it was not business related in the least) when the kid called.  He stepped out so as not to disturb his buddies and never once thought about the little ladies that were working in the next room.

No one said that success makes you a douche, being a fucking douche makes you a douche, you idiot. on Douchey Dads

Word.

Douchery is not a class issue. Jen was just pointing out this particular flavor of douchery in this post. She was not saying that rich fathers are automatically DDs. Good people can belong to country clubs and have money. She was just pointing out just how self-entitled and phony this class of douche is. For me, where he really became the douche was when he was worrying about what his MOMMY thought about the gap in his child's front teeth because it may "ruin" the family photo? If he were a real man and his mother complained about that, he would tell her to piss off. Somehow, I think he is more worried about his inheritance. on Douchey Dads

I deal with a lot of DDs. How do they play golf on Tuesdays? They're salesmen those motherfuckers get paid oodles of cash for taking clients out to "dinner" which ususally involves at least one girl named Montage and one named Cherry. They are usually married to Princess Moms who drive expensive GIGANTIC SUVs while texting their “girls” with one hand and sipping their Venti Decaf Soy five-pump Raspberry No-whip extra Horseshit mocha from Starbucks. The get “push presents” and are probably getting it on with the next door neighbor’s wife or the hot looking Mexican guy that mows the lawn. They annoy the shit out of me by using the word gift as a verb and saying ah-MAY-zing while they discuss how smart their brain damaged progeny are, or how much it costs each year for said offspring to attend private school, at which both will have their first gay experience. They haven’t worked a real job since they first got out of college, know all the best plastic surgeons and drone on endlessly about shoes, bolt-on breasts and cupcakes/macaroons/whatever food fad is going at that day. They don’t how to cook, think the Poors are that way because it’s their own fault and probably go to a church where Jesus is more like Eddie Vedder, including the rock and roll, than a role model on Douchey Dads

And that comment, folks, is from my uncle.  I was raised to rant.  Check him out.  It's a narcissistic week at PIWTPITT.

I call my son, bud all the time. I know his name. I like his name. Really, a post about this? And if you want to be snarky, maybe his son is named Gomer and prefers to be called Champ ;-O. Glass houses. on Douchey Dads 

I'll just let this be my response, you dumbass:

Come on, how can you even compare the two. Gomer is a sophisticated and adult name, while champ is the name of a dog. Also, Adolpha is probably a family name, Jen's great-great grandmother who arrived on a rowboat from the Titanic was probably named Adolpha. I'm sure you could have gathered as much if you read more than the titles of a couple posts. And granted, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but they also have a great view of the douchiness around them. on Douchey Dads 

I just have a quick question, and I am sure I will be flamed, but I honestly do want to know. When "Gomer" is 12-13 and bullies, what will you say? When he tells you he is just being funny at someone's expense, will that make it ok? What if he is not calling anyone out by name, but just making fun of a group, maybe the kids in band. Is that okay? I read your blog for the first time with the elf like probably everyone here. I thought it was funny even though I do think of funny things to do with ours. I have stopped by a few times since then, and many of the posts are just mean. It isn't the wit and laugh at yourself type stuff. It is attacking someone's parenting in this instance. I think you can call it what you want, but there is a big problem with bullying in schools and if the parents are teaching it and condoning it, it will only make it worse. You can blow this off, which I am sure people will, but there are real kids who are breaking because they are made fun of on Douchey Dad Revisited

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't consider what I write bullying.  I'm not a bully.  I am sick and tired of people who share this planet with me who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves.  We all live here together and every time I turn around I find that people are becoming ruder and ruder and I'm sick of it and I'm not going to let people get away with it.  This post was not about his parenting.  I could give a fuck what he calls his kid and how great the tooth fairy event is in his home, what I care about is how inconsiderate he was of the people surrounding him.  How self-absorbed he was when he was on the phone and how oblivious he was to those around him.  

My other "mean" rants or "bullying" posts are about the unnecessary pressures that society and the media and each other put on us to be "perfect" parents or "perfect" wives and I'm fed up with all that shit too.  I'm fed up with hearing about how I'm not a worthwhile person, because I didn't make my Elf ice skate on a frozen toilet or make Bento box lunches for my children from the free-range organically fed chickens that we raised in our backyard or wear the coolest brand of skinny jeans or whatever the fuck is popular right now.  I don't write these posts to be mean, I write these with the hopes that maybe someone who behaves like this will get a reality check, but more importantly, I write these posts for the people who are made to feel worthless, because they can't keep up with all of this shit.  I let them know that it's OK to laugh and say, Who cares?  

On the flip side, I've been called "ugly" and told "God don't love you" and I've been told that my son will grow up to be a rapist, because of the way I'm raising him.  Is that bullying?  Or am I just getting what's coming to me, because I put my opinion out there and someone didn't care for it?  I don't cry "bully."  I'm a judgmental person and I know I'm judgmental.  We're all judgmental, I just happen to be someone who readily admits it and knows that when I judge I'll be judged back.  

In answer to your question, I will not condone my children bullying anyone.  I expect they will have senses of humor and my guess is they'll both be a bit sarcastic.  Every kid teases another kid or a group of kids and I am positive that at some point, my children will too.  A bully doesn't tease or poke fun at someone.  Are we not allowed to even poke fun at anyone anymore?  This is not bullying.  A bully systematically assaults someone either physically or emotionally.  A bully harms and intimates a weaker person.  My kids won't do that.  

I do hope that Gomer and Adolpha are both bullshit callers.  I plan to raise them to be independent thinkers as much as I can.  I want them to realize how much better it is to be themselves and to be their own person, rather than worrying about what everyone else is wearing, driving or doing.  My greatest fear is that they become sheeple and go along with the herd - bullies are sheeple.  If anything, they will most likely be the ones who will be bullied, because if I am successful in raising them the way I want, they will not be popular and they will be outspoken and opinionated and probably a target themselves.  

Anon 11:01 AM - Seriously hit the nail on the head so I'm reposting it for all the people that can't seem to grasp the objective of this blog: Anonymous Apr 27, 2012 11:01 AM "Jen is not "bullying" this guy, or "poking fun of him", just calling it like she see's it. Pretty positive she was just calling a spade a spade. If she had cut on his nerdiness looks, or fat, then that may be bullying, but she wasn't. I believe Gomer will grow up knowing the difference between bullying & being shocked enough by someone else's behavior that he can laugh about it like his mother. Have you never talked about the rudeness of strangers? Bitched about the guy who cut you off while driving? laughed at the purely asinine things some people do? Pretty sure we all have, and that's why we enjoy Jen's rants so much, she puts it out there, and we can laugh together." THIS EXACTLY. on Douchey Dad Revisited 

The comments are almost as funny as the blog! on Douchey Dad Revisited

Every week!

Seriously, Douchey Dads and OAM's just roll with it, Jen just calls it like it is, that is why we all love her. I, myself, am a crunchy granola type mom. Jen recently punched me and guess what, I laughed! She hit it right on, I annoy myself sometimes with my recycling and "being green". If you can't laugh at yourself then maybe should punch yourself in the throat. on Douchey Dad Revisited

The Hubs, if you ever get tired of Jen and her online tirades......will you marry me? (of course we'll have to find a way to get rid of my Hubs but why let a little homicide get in the way of love?!) :-) on Douchey Dad Revisited

FIRST the title of your blog peaked my interest...I havent even made it past todays post to learn more about you or your family and I am in LOVE! Actually, I may just be in love with your husband! (kidding!...sort of) today's post is SOOOOO funny! I am a new follower!! Now excuse me while I go read all your previous posts. on Douchey Dad Revisited

Easy killers.  The Hubs is receiving a few too many indecent proposals for my liking.  It's time to make him unattractive.  Have I told you about his ability to fart and burp on command?  Have I mentioned his wonky chest hair?  Yes, I said "hair."  He only has one.  Back off ladies, this funny Romeo is all mine.

OK Jen, don't feel bad, but I think I enjoyed this even more than the other Douchey post. *ducks flying wine glass!* Sorry I hope he doesn't get a big head...I know my husband would. (thank God you've been playing along w/ the drinking game or that glass might have actually hit it's mark! Feeling a little sloshed myself) on Douchey Dad Revisited

Wow, using "douche" in a post 31 times is absolutely douchetacular.I couldn't make it into a drinking game, however, because I'd be plastered before the first paragraph ended. Sir, I salute you and your douchetastic vocabulary.LOL on Douchey Dad Revisited

if you don't like the opinions and point of views expressed in PIWTPITT or any blog for that matter, DONT READ IT! For some of us, reading these rants make us physically laugh out loud, and for that I am truly grateful. Punch On! on Douchey Dad Revisited

I cannot believe you are taking time to write a blog post during the day instead of being with your kids! At least those guys were networking with real people, you are talking to cyberspace and trying to feed your wife's ego. Btw...I'm a mom. Not a country club mom, just a mom....who thinks you are both douches. on Douchey Dad Revisited

Bully!  Right?  She called me a name.  I'm being bullied, aren't I?  OK, maybe not.  So, my question is when should he write it?  During dinner with the kids?  The kids were at school when he wrote this.  You Madame are a Douchette!

Do you or your husband not work during the day?  You must be trust fund kids who just spend all day making special memories for your kids and homeschooling them so you can never be apart.  That's sweet.  The Hubs and I don't have that luxury.  We work during the day while our kids are at school and even (gasp) when they are home since we don't send them to daycare after school (double gasp).  FYI, don't worry, I'm writing this at 8 o'clock at night after my kids are safely tucked into bed.    

I love that you think it's OK to be away from your kids to "network with real people", but writing a blog and feeding my ego is not worth being away from my kids.  Thank you for setting us straight.  Next time the Hubs is ready to guest blog, I'll be sure to send him to the bar with his buddies so they can yuk it up and network while he writes and leaves me home with the kids.  


You totally described my clients, as a travel agent, we deal w/ a group of investment bankers. That is exactly what they do, their wives are all jr league types, their kids go to private school, and are named after cheese (Colby and Brie), or furniture, yes I have a client named after a piece of furniture. They go to the Caribbean for spring break, own homes on exclusive islands along the east coast, and wouldn't dream of putting a foot in Disney World. Still, they pay us the bucks to do it, and are very nice to us, but they have their moments. Not all of them are like this, but quite a few are. Great blog, tell the haters to suck it. on Douchey Dads

I can't find it, but there was a classic comment response to this one about naming your kid "Velveeta."  Loved it.  All of these names will appear in posts at some point.


Umm, hello. I thought the title Douchey Dads implied judgement. This entire blog is about judging people, it's the bread and butter of her work. Punching people in the throat would be nearly impossible without making judgments. on Douchey Dads

Please tell me you at least whispered something Jen...please tell me you didnt let this one go without a word...He deserved a "oh honey dont worry about his missing tooth...your missing soul on the other hand could be an issue." on Douchey Dads

Isn't it always the way that half an hour later you think of a great zinger like that?  I never think of them until it's too late!

I think you are wonderful Jen and I rank you up there with the bloggers you mentioned in your list. You say it like it is and call out the BS with a bullhorn. I love it! Keep up the good work! Need to do coffee again soon! on Step One of My World Domination Plan

Yes, please!

I want to say a really, really BIG THANK YOU to you Jen, for giving those of us who have felt so overwhelmed to the point of absurdity...and honestly to the point of inferiority & even sadness & guilt in a world the seemed to be marketed & dominated by the OAM's. I am not a domestic goddess, I can barely boil water, my yard lacks even an inch of "curb appeal", the list could go on forever. But I am creative, yet for a long time I described myself as someone who "used to be" creative. Why? Instead of finding joy in the things I COULD do, I was overwhelmed by what I couldn't do...The easiest way I can explain this is thru an example- like many people I could make homemade cards/invitations for my kids parties...BUT I would get so caught up in what was lacking (painstakingly detailed cutout 3-D pieces, hand written quirky little poems about my kids, you name it..) that I would end up going to the store at the very last minute buying whatever I could grab before the store closed & sending on Step One of My World Domination Plan

What makes you different? How many people have said, "you're my long lost twin" or "I think we share a brain" since you have started this blog? You're real. You identify with the everyday mom out there and that sets you apart from so many. You say what most of us are thinking in our heads. I read a couple different blogs but yours is the only one I read religiously and laugh out loud at most days. And you're the first person I think I could seriously stalk....in a good way though. Good thing you kept your trip to NH under wraps till you were on your way out! LOL on Step One of My World Domination Plan

And this is why I don't consider myself a bully.  Thank you for these comments.


WHEN you drive your swager-wagon to the Big Girl Party.... don't you DARE worry what they think!! Keep on being you!! They're all worried what YOU think!! on Step One of My World Domination Plan

Step One of My World Domination Plan

So my world domination plan is starting in early May.  I'm going to be interviewed by a local NPR radio station (I have to start somewhere and Ellen and Anderson Cooper still haven't called).

An intern did a preliminary interview with me to make sure I actually have something to say that's interesting.  One of the questions she asked me was:  What is your specialty?  What makes you different than the other "mommy bloggers" out there.

I am a mom.  I blog.  Does that really make me a mommy blogger?  

Ugh.  Can't you just ask me about my closet?

It got me thinking about the big bloggers out there.  The bloggers who have the sort of success that I dream about.  What makes them different from one another?  I know what makes them similar.  They're all great story-tellers with powerful voices who like to mix a little humor with a side of serious and/or heartwarming.

Let's see, there's:

1.  The Pioneer Woman.  PW's blog isn't a blog anymore, it's truly an Empire, with a capital "E."  She has books, television shows, recipes, photos, homeschooling tips, the proper cowboy wife etiquette tips, and more.  My suspicion is that Ree Drummond is a droid.  She's like the Plucky, Down Home Model of the Martha Stewart robot.  The Pioneer Woman is just like Martha Stewart, if MS was friendly, unafraid of needless calories and farmed in Oklahoma instead of Connecticut.  Truly, is there anything PW cannot do?   Even her dog wrote a book!  (Mothra's won the Westminster Dog Show, I'm sure his book detailing his trials and tribulations to get that blue ribbon will be out soon.)

To me, PW comes across as the patron saint of the overachievers mixed with Bella Swan.  I just read her memoir and all she wrote about was what brand name clothes she wore on her dates with her cowboy (Who wears heels to a ranch?), the fancy food she cooked for her hungry, hard working man (Of course of he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy - why did that surprise you?) and how clumsy she was around his virile, masculine body (How many times can she almost fall down and be rescued by his strong, ropy, muscular arms?  Almost as many times as Bella was kept safe by Edward.)    


2.  The Bloggess.  AKA the "One I Aspire to Be."  Hands down, The Bloggess is the funniest blogger out there (says the second funniest).  I had the Elf on the Shelf, which was a cute little viral post, but she had the epic viral post about Beyonce, which still makes me laugh every time I think Knock, knock, motherfucker.

Jenny Lawson is my kind of mom.  I would love to hang out at a playgroup with her, especially if she brought her one of a kind Mommy business cards.  The Bloggess has a gift for connecting with her readership and getting them to do some crazy shit.  Like take pictures of themselves with balls of twine, send around a red dress for everyone to share, buy Christmas presents for needy families, and bring big metal chickens with them to book signings (her book dropped earlier this month and I'm devastated that Kansas City is not on the book tour).  She also has an animal fixation, only hers are dead.  She collects taxidermied animals and dresses them up and turns their images into greeting cards.


3.  Dooce.  Even though PW and The Bloggess have bigger audiences, Dooce is the mother of us all.  Heather Armstrong started blogging back in the day when no one even knew what blogging was.  Even back then, I remember my sister in law telling me how funny Dooce was.  I started reading and I got hooked.  Her dog also has his own tab on her blog.  (What's with these girls and their dogs?  Hmm....maybe I need a dog.)  She writes about everything from getting fired for writing about her co-workers to depression to building furniture from Ikea (gotta love the blatant product placements) and now she's been writing lately about how emotionally spent she is with everything going on in her personal life (her new book came out this month and she's getting divorced).

4.  Scary Mommy.  When I think about it, I honestly don't think I've read anything that Jill Smokler has written.  She says she writes about the fact that parents don't have to be perfect - I like that, but I can't really find stuff she's written!  I've been to her site numerous times and every time I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of information there.

She has giveaways, she has a forum where people can chat, a place where parents can confess their parenting sins, and she encourages you to buy her book.  I heard her book that just came out is really good.  (Apparently I missed the memo that mommy blogger books are supposed to be released in April - hopefully I'll get the memo for April 2013.)

I do like that she was part of the "most revolutionary social media campaign ever" when she teamed up with Target and let readers pick her outfits.  It was really fun, actually.  I tried to pick the strangest outfits, just because I thought it would be funnier.  My strategy didn't work.  She looked great in anything they put her in.  She has set the bar high, but I intend to clear it easily when I launch my most revolutionary social media campaign ever when I partner with Honda and get a badass Odyssey minivan.

These are the 4 that I think of when I think of successful Mommy Bloggers, although they're all so much more than that.  Now, back to the interviewer's question:  What makes me different?

Well, let's start with who I am and what I write about.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  I started this blog about a year ago now and I never know what I'm going to write about - it depends upon my mood.  Usually, it's things that piss me off.  Sometimes it's celebrities, sometimes it's politicians, sometimes it's the guy standing in front of me at McDonald's who can't decide what he wants for lunch ("Uhh...what's good here?") and sometimes it's the Hubs.  I try to temper my rants with humor and every now and again I show a bit of my compassionate side.  I don't want it to get out that I have a heart, though - it's bad for business.

I think I'm different from the mega-bloggers, because I'm not as nice as they are.  No one has the scorched earth policy that I have.  I am not afraid to say anything.  It's like I've said before, I'm a bullshit caller.  I don't let people get away with silliness (myself included).  Plus, there is nothing off-limits on my blog.  I let the Hubs write about my jungle, for goodness sake!  Let's see Dooce do that.  When I write, I don't worry about what the masses might think.  Maybe once I'm invited to drive my minivan to the big girl blog party, I might worry, but for now I am my own person.

I read these blogs and I learn from them and I'm inspired by them (and, it must be said, sometimes I want to punch them in the throat), but I won't copy their style.  I will never write a cookbook - unless it's called Food I'll Never Make.  I will never host decorating segments slash advertisements for Ikea on HGTV.  I will never appear on the Today show and kiss Ann's ass when she interviews me about my book (that she obviously hasn't read).  No, if I appear on the Today show, I want to drink wine at 10 am with Hoda and Kathie Lee and thank them for inspiring my first post.  I think it would be great if they put us in a boxing ring and really let us try to punch each other.  I will never get a dog and let it have a tab on my blog - letting the Hubs guest post is close enough.  I will always take crappy pictures with my cell phone camera, because I'm way too lazy to get out the "real" camera.  Besides, I don't want to get so that my photographs are so great looking, they detract from my words.  (Ha.)

I want my success on my own terms.  We all have our own schtick and we appeal to people, because we're not phony (although PW is really starting to become a "persona" rather than a person anymore).  That's what makes them different and that's what makes me different.  You can't put these girls in any one category and I'm proud to say, you can't put me in any one category either.

Weekly Wrap Up 4.21.12

Well, this week was a challenge for me.  This is the first week I've been forced to juggle my real estate business and the blog.  Lucky for me, the blog hit it big over the winter when real estate was slow and I could spend more time on it.  The spring is here and I'm absolutely thrilled to say I'm busy as hell with real estate, but sad to say the blog is suffering for it.  I will try to do better next week.  I'm really bad about writing anything too far in advance, but I'm going to have to start trying to figure that out.  

The highlight of my week was receiving an Elf on the Shelf stapled to anti-wrinkle cream.  What a kick ass way for me to notice the product you're sending me.  Obviously, if you ever want some Rodan + Fields anti-wrinkle stuff you should contact Jackie Pearson-Waters.  That little spiky roller thing doesn't hurt too much and I already look 39 and 11 months old, so it's working definitely!

The Top Read Posts This Week:

Open Letter to Samantha Brick - A slightly deranged and kooky lady who thinks she's too pretty for friends.  I gave her some tough love.

Me & My Cleaning Lady - It was good to see how many of you could sympathize with my plight.  I have since found out that I was not dumped.  All of her clients were given the Omaha story, so we're all on the hunt for someone new.  I got tons of leads from local readers (thank you very much) and I will be getting quotes from people next week.  Also, in response to the whole tangent about her possibly not being legal, etc.  She is most assuredly legal as well as the rest of her family.  I'm guessing that her husband had a business opportunity in Omaha that he couldn't resist.

Who is Attractive According to Gomer - Gomer thinks my brother is more attractive than me, because his family follows him around.  My brother and sister in law both weighed in in the comments section.  We've also decided to monitor Gomer's reading a bit closer, because we're not sure where he learned the proper use of "striking."  

Passive Parents - This was a repost from the archives, but still a good one about telling instead of asking your child to behave.

Open Letter to Silly Celebrity Moms - This one hung around for another week, because Babble.com and HuffingtonPost.com reposted it.

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):

I love that you say this is to save your marriage! If I wanted to keep my marriage safe, I'd need to hire a maid, cook and a prostitute. They could do all the work that my husband thinks I have all the time in the world to do. on Me & My Cleaning Lady

Hey Jenni...instead of reading Samantha's articles (sounded like it would be a waste of time anyway!), I decided to read all 103 comments. TNMom said Kim’s comment would make it into the best comments of the week...and it should…but…OH MY GOSH! You are definitely going to have a tough time filtering down to only a few comments, because there were a TON of great retorts! The lonely, negative (aka “Jen-attacking”) one by “Anonymous” had a great follow up by Marcella!! “Oh hey, welcome to Jen’s Blog, Samantha.” That was perfection!! Loved it when Lauren & Bev brought Gomer’s name up about his thoughts on beauty…(I truly laughed out loud!!). Knitwit’s phrase: “turn-style on her vagina” had me spewing coffee all over the keyboard….and then Michaela’s “fug ass nose” comment had me on the floor. Best hour I’ve spent in a long time. Love your blog, Jenni! Whoops! That’s your old-time name…I must remember it’s now “Jen.” Anyway, as I said…LOVE your blog on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

This should just be my wrap up, Laurie.  I couldn't even find half the comments you mentioned, but I believe they're out there.  Take a look, folks.

This response is beyond catty and asinine, and thousands like it have been circulating around the Internet for several weeks. I've gained nothing reading this, but lost quite a bit (mostly, my time and a few brain cells). Your audience is clear: Catty, bored women with nothing else going on. I think you bolster Brick's point, ten-fold. on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

as Marcella said: "Welcome to Jen's blog, Samantha!"  I love it when readers take care of my business.

The real question is...does Gomer think she is attractive? on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

I'm afraid to ask.  My delicate senses can't take anymore rejection and especially if he thinks she's better looking than me.

Like a hooker in a hotel...you nailed this one perfectly. She's a dog and he's a 'salaud' !! on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

I had to Google "salaud" and I got rotten and bastard.  Let's go with bastard - so much better.    Oh and I will be using "hooker in a hotel" in the future.  Great line.

I have enjoyed your blog for awhile now because of your snarky humor. I love snark! I have always thought you were funny but with this post you have shown us something more. You are also an intelligent and compassionate woman. It may hide behind sarcasm and snark most of the time, but it is there. So for those who bash you in comments and make claims that you put other women down.... I hope they read this post and can now see that when it matters, you have another woman's back and speak up for the things that really matter. Hell no that is not fancy clothes or perfect parties. It is self-respect and learning to no longer be used and abused. Good for you on this one Jen! on Open Letter to Samantha Brick

This one made me blush.  You've figured me out.  Thanks for the comment.

I had never heard of her before this, and I hope I never hear of her again. What is she, the Brits' answer to Snooki? Anyway, you replied better than I could. Or at least better than I would. Thanks for that. onOpen Letter to Samantha Brick

I've only been reading for a week, but if we weren't both married, and if I were a lesbian, I would totally make out with you. You complete me. (But I DESPISE Tom Cruise, so the fact that you make me want to quote him makes me want to punch YOU in the throat...) on Ultimate Blog Party 2012 Welcome  

I despise that little man too.  Please don't quote that hideous movie at me, even though you had me at Hello - I mean our shared hatred of Tom.

1. Having never heard of lochia I decided to Google it....That little piece of enlightenment is exactly what I needed at 37 weeks preggo. Guess what I'll be thinking of constantly? Even without the definition the word itself just sounds gross, like areola or caffeine-free. 2. Would eating your own placenta be considered cannibalism or recycling? on Weekly Wrap Up 4.14.12

I'm thinking composting since you make a natural waste by-product.

Such good advice. I would have read it even if it was total crap, because your title is awesome. But you gave me a lot to think about for my own blog. So you're saying that pintrest is more than a soul sucking suburban mom addiction? That'll teach my husband to roll his eyes at me! on My Blogging Advice

Pinterest is the shit.  Pin your posts and watch the readers come.

My 7 year old son came home from school one day last week and said his friend thought I was hot. I have to say, it boosted my ego and I even texted my husband to tell him. I know its sad, but I'll take a compliment from wherever I can get it! on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

I'm not gonna judge since several years ago when I was pregnant with Adolpha I was driving to the grocery store with my windows down and I got to a red light and two teenage boys in the car next to me invited me to a party, because they could use some more "hot girls" there.  I'm sure they were playing me so I'd buy beer, but it didn't matter.  Sometimes when I'm feeling low I still think of those 17 year old boys who called this old, pregnant lady hot.  They were a little grossed out when I said, "I'm 35 and  married....and pregnant."


My 2 year old crawled into bed by us one morning. He put his hand on my cheek and said "Momma. You're so puuurty." My heart swelled. Then he reach over and scratched our dog's ears and said "awww! Puppy, you're so puuurty." And that hallmark moment ended quickly. on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

I noticed Uncle C.B. commented on your blog so I checked out his picture beside his comment...I personally think he is a little nondescript! on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

This is making me giggle. Especially "He's just very...uhh...striking when he walks into a room. (WTF, Gomer? Have you been reading Harlequin Romance novels? Who says that?)" Seriously, where did he get that? Next he'll be saying he's getting the vapors. on Who Is Attractive According to Gomer

I am a relatively new reader and I've already read two extremely funny posts recapping conversations in your car with your kids. When you get the van, you might want to rethink the DVD system. Is the loss of great material from your kids and their friends worth the "piece of quiet" (a phrase coined by my youngest) you'll gain from the DVD system? Not to mention the turf wars and the aggravation from them fighting over which disc to watch and/or the enforcement of any rules you put in place regarding it's use? LOVE my 9 year old Odyssey as much as the day I brought it home, and I haven't regretted the lack of DVD for one minute. on Me - For Wanting a Minivan

I'm actually thinking of having the van outfitted with cameras so I can "vlog" my convos with the kids, my writing doesn't do them justice.