The Lady Who Says, "No Candy for You, Fatso!"

It's time for Halloween. Do you have all of your little pirates and princesses ready to go? Did you get your Sexy Angry Bird costume out of the back of the closet and dust it off for another year?

I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.

I'm a dead bride - just not a sexy dead bride. I have my limits.

Maria Kang

Surely, by now you know who Maria Kang is: perky mother of three kids (in three years) and owner of a very small pair of booty shorts.

Maria took a picture of herself in her booty shorts with her little boys in the foreground and put the caption "What's your excuse?" (and her website) across the top.

Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers

Top 10 Ways Members of Congress are Like Toddlers

1. They love the sound of their own voice, and they think everyone else does too.

2. They try to manipulate us with tears.

Turn off the waterworks, no one's buying it.

Douchebag Teenagers and Their Parents

What would you do if your kid was a teenager who broke into an empty and beautiful home and partied like a rockstar and trashed the house? What would you do if your precious snowflake posted fucked up selfies on Twitter of his hard abs in the master bathroom mirror or asinine duckface slash cleavage shots around the keg in the living room? What would you do if the owner of the house came home to find his house destroyed by your brat? Would you punish your kid?

Of course not! That's just crazy! You would, of course, sue the homeowner for publicly shaming your piece of shit offspring.

I wish I was making this up. But, of course, I am not.

So there is an ex-NFL football player named Brian Holloway who owns a vacation home in upstate New York. Three hundred asshole teenagers broke into his house and wrecked it. I don't mean they spilled a little beer on his couch. I mean this house should probably be burned down because it's so messed up. People peed on his carpets. (People. Not animals who didn't know better. People. Human beings pulled down their pants and peed in the hallway.) People used markers and paint to write their names all over the walls, ceilings, etc. People broke windows and doors. And, oh yeah, they spilled some beer too. The owner is estimating $20,000 worth of damage, but after seeing the pictures, I think he's a little low.

While they were shitting in the bedroom and probably watching some girl get raped in the laundry room, they were also tweeting and Instagramming and whatever the fuck kids do these days to spread the word around the 'net that this party was "live" and everybody and their douchebag boyfriend should come.

No one said these kids were smart.

So, Brian Holloway scoured the Twitterverse and found all of these little shits and posted their selfies and their tweets on his website. He also encouraged them to come and help him clean his house because he was hosting a benefit for soldiers later that week. Instead of coming to help him, the parents started threatening him for posting their kids' tweets and photos on his website. (You should read the tweets, they are ridiculous.)

So let me get this straight. Adolpha and Gomer break into a house with 298 of their closest friends. They break everything they can, Adolpha takes a shit on the living room carpet while Gomer pukes his guts in the kitchen. They write MY PARENTS SUCK or whatever on the walls, all while photographing themselves doing these horrendous things and encouraging more shitheads to come and bring their own Sharpies and sharing it all on their social network. Then the cops come and they bolt and get away without me knowing. Then it's brought to my attention that my children's images and tweets are on a website showcasing their behavior and instead of punishing my kids or try to make amends, I call my attorney?

Because that's good parenting.

What the fuck?! No wonder these people's kids are such fucking assholes. THEY'RE assholes. Of course they raised assholes.

I don't even have to know these people to know they're the worst kind of people. I've read their spawn's tweets and their kids are fucking wastes of space. A bunch of bored middle class kids trying to be gansta with their douchebag Justin Bieber wardrobes and their Miley Cyrus-inspired tongues sticking out in every picture. These are the kind of kids I fucking hate. They make me want to smack their stupid vapid expressions off each of their fucking faces.

Holloway should be suing these kids for breaking and entering and trespassing and destroying his property. Not the other way around. And the parents should be responsible, because these kids are minors and they raised these assholes. Don't the parents have any sort of responsibility for this? Where do these parents get off thinking that he's in the wrong? What the hell? What sort of entitled brats are they raising? What message is being sent to these kids? Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will sue the big bad man who is bullying you.

I don't know, but in my house if my kids are caught breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalizing someone's house, the shit will hit the fan. Juvenile detention will be my first call, not my attorney's office.

Weekly Wrap Up 9.22.13

This week has been a busy one. I don't know why, but something possessed me to run for the PTO board and because those races are NEVER contested, I won by a landslide (thank you to the six people who voted in that election). Apparently, there's a lot to do when you're on the board and there are a bunch of meetings to attend. This week I've been learning more about fundraising, volunteer appreciation and carnival budgets than I'll ever need to know again in my life.

I've started leaving my house to speak to people. It's terrifying and fun all at the same time. I've got some upcoming dates set for the Kansas City area, so if you're around and you want to put some pants on and come out and see me, you can see all of the locations here. Thursday I will be at the Johnson County (KS) Library on Thursday, September 26th talking about blogging. Want to learn the secrets of blogging? Want to make millions and have fans who adore you? Want to make Tina Fey call and invite you to lunch all because of something you wrote? Yeah, me too. If you find out the answers to these questions, let me know, will ya? Otherwise, I can just teach you how to get started and make enough money to buy Starbucks for you AND a friend every now and again.

I've also planned the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day Ladies' Night Out. There are lots of cities participating and I'm always looking for new hostesses. You just need to pick a time and location and email me the details to add to the EVENTS page.

Tonight is the Emmy's and you know how much my Twitter pals and I enjoy making fun of whatever horrible ensemble Guiliana Rancic's team has put together for her. I really hope Riverboat Madam is still in style this awards season. I'll be tweeting tonight and you can join in by following #spikedpunch #emmys.

This Week's Most Popular Posts:

Is Nuts Better Than Balls? - My precious snowflake, Gomer, shocked me with the sentence, "So then I got kicked in the nuts" and it wasn't the fact that he got kicked that upset me so much.

Friends are Hard to Find - This is the post that inspired me to host a nationwide ladies' night out last year.

IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out - I've declared a new holiday: I Just Want to Pee Alone Day and to celebrate I'm organizing another nationwide ladies' night out. Check the EVENTS page on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page to see if there is one near you. If there isn't, then you should totally host one!

Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - This one is total gossip and so worth a read.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

I would've said this is an age-old question that really has no answer but by all the responses I see there are as many answers as there are words for nads (my favorite of the moment--I reserve the right to change my mind!) You gotta love the endless variety of the English language, not to mention other languages, as someone pointed out. This was hilarious. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

We've always called them their "McNuggets". Sorry McDonald's, lol! on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

I was one of the pro-nuts FB peeps. I have 3 boys and a man-child. Nothing is sacred. My house always smells like ass & dirty socks. Someone is always laughing about the fact that mommy has 'bewbees' and no nuts. Underwear is worn on the head instead of the ass, and going commando is expected on the weekend. All I ask is that they keep it in their pants. It's hard to breathe in all this testosterone. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

My son was about the same age when he referred to being hit in the "nuts", "balls" was used as well but nuts was the favorite. One day my daughter, 2 years his junior, came in the house and said she got "hit in the nuts" while playing ball. After a good laugh my wife and I decided not to correct her. She was very happy having something in common with her big brother that she always has (and still does) looked up to (both are in college and share an apartment). She would find out soon enough the truth, no harm. And it was pretty cute. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

I apologize now for laughing while I read this. Our boys are five and almost three. Their father has taught them to call their, er, privates "anaconda." Yes, anaconda. I dread when snakes are discussed at school. As for why mommy doesn't have an anaconda (yes, they have asked)? Daddy tells them I lost mine in a poker game. Nice. Our older son recently started exploring his nuts. When he asked what they were, I said "nuts." He looked at me and said "You're kidding!" No, no I'm not. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

For a girl who love the f-bomb and doesn't even mind the c-word, I sure have a hard time hearing my kids say "butt" and "fart." Not because of the words themselves, but because it suggests my children are older. When they display their growing independence by wiping their own asses, it's awesome. When they do it by graduating from babyish terms for body parts and functions, it isn't. on Is Nuts Better Than Balls?

Hmmm...I might come out, I'll check my schedule tomorrow :) Sounds fun and I would love to meet you, Jen! on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

So excited! Last year it didn't really come together for me, but this year the meet up is less than 10 minutes away! How can I say no? Looking forward to it! on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

So excited to be a part of this! And by so excited I mean scared shitless. But what's the worst thing that can happen? I have an awkward couple of hours. And what's the best thing that can happen? I make some awesome amazing friends for life and we grow old together and wipe each other's asses and shit. on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

This. is. GLORIOUS. on IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

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IJWTPA Day National Ladies' Night Out

Last year I wrote a post called Friends Are Hard to Find. I mentioned that believe it or not, I have a little difficulty in finding people who have any desire to hang out with me. When I wrote it, I was talking about myself, but suddenly my inbox and comments section blew up with "Me too!"

It got me thinking. There were a lot of us who were feeling the same way. Wouldn't it be cool if we could get together and have a laugh? I decided to invent PIWTPITT's Friends Night. I figured if nothing else it would get some ladies out of the house and they could talk about how funny/insensitive/annoying/adorable/foul-mouthed/stupid I am.

Many, many women across the country stepped up and agreed to take charge of their local Friends Night. I planned the one for Kansas City, but I wasn't going to go.

It was a terrifying thought. Plus, I'd have to shower and find clean clothes to wear. That's a lot of work for strangers and I'd just downloaded a new book to my Kindle. I was busy, y'know?

And then the Hubs said, "Of course you're going. This is your idea. You're the one complaining you want a friend. All of these women are going because they feel the same way you do and now you're going to stay home and read all night?"

He brushed my hair and told me I was pretty and sent me on my way.

You know what happened?

He was right. I had fun. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to laugh and talk and just let loose.

This summer I started hearing from women who missed last year's night. "When are you planning one for this year, Jen?" and "I'd love to go if you have one in my town, Jen."

I was reading some of these emails in my "office" (AKA the bathroom) while my children pounded on the door demanding food and help with homework. It was like Divine Intervention. I realized what I needed to do.

Sure, I could use a few more friends, but what I really want now is to PEE ALONE.

I don't know if you're aware or not, but this spring I put together an anthology called I Just Want to Pee Alone. I pulled together 36 women from across the country to write some of the most hilarious stories about motherhood you'll ever read. The book quickly became a best seller. It resonated with moms everywhere. Any woman who reads that book can find at least one story that speaks to her. I didn't know many of the contributors when I asked them to join me in the book, but over the past several months, we have formed a community together. It showed me that women need a place where they can go to escape the day to day drudgery. We all need that. It doesn't matter if you're a mother or not - I've seen those pictures of pets pawing under your bathroom door.

So, I am declaring a new holiday. I Just Want to Pee Alone Day!!!

Mark your calendars, ladies, because October 16th is a day for you. This isn't like Mother's Day where you still have to go and see your own mother or do the dishes after your husband "cooks" for you or wear a lovely hand-crafted macaroni necklace all day. Nope. This day is all about doing what you want to do - guilt free!

To celebrate the First Annual I Just Want to Pee Alone Day (hereby called FAIJWTPAD) several of the contributors to the anthology and other blogger friends have come together to host National Ladies' Night Out (AKA #Peealonenight) in a city near you and they're inviting you to join them.

BOSTON - Hosted by JD of Honest Mom
Location:
TBD


CHAMPAIGN, IL - Hosted by Kerry of HouseTalkN
Location:
TBD


CHICAGO -  Hosted by Karen Alpert of Baby Sideburns
Location:
Pinstripes
1150 Willow Rd.

Northbrook, IL 60062

Date/Time:

Wednesday, October 16th at 7:30 PM


COLORADO - Hosted by Johi Kokjohn-Wagner of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and Rachel Kargas of Get Real Mama
Location:

Ace Gillett's

239 S. College Ave.

Fort Collins, Colorado 80524

Date/Time: 

Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM

CONNECTICUT - Hosted by Amy of Funny is Family

Location: 

J Roo's Restaurant

249 State Street

North Haven, CT 06473

Date/Time: 

Wednesday, October 16th at 6-9 PM

HOUSTON - Hosted by Rachael Pavlik of RachRiot, Patti Ford of Insane In The Mom-Brain, and Kelley Nettles of Kelley's Breakroom

Location:

BlackFinn American Grille

1910 Bagby Street

Houston, TX 77002

Date/Time:

Wednesday, October 16 at 6-10 PM

INDIANA/MICHIGAN - Hosted by Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures, Alyson of The Shitastrophy, and Noelle Elliot of Bow Chica Bow Mom

Location:

Uptown Kitchen 
7225 Heritage Square Drive, Suite 208
Granger, IN 46530

Date/Time:

Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM

KANSAS CITY - Hosted by Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and Stacey of Nurse Mommy Laughs

Location: 

Barley's Brewhaus

11924 W. 119th St.

Overland Park, KS 66213

Date/Time: 

Wednesday, October 16 at 7-10 PM

MINNESOTA - Hosted by Michelle of You're My Favorite Today and Joy of Evil Joy Speaks

Location: 

Jake's City Grille

3005 Harbor Lane North

Plymouth, MN  55447

Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 6-9 PM

NEW JERSEY - Hosted by Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying, Amy Bozza of My Real Life, Anna Sandler of Random Handprints, and Kim Forde of The Fordeville Diaries

Location: 

End of Elm Restaurant & Lounge

140 Morris Street

Morristown, NJ 07960

Date/Time: Wednesday, October 16 at 8-10 PM


PENNSYLVANIA - Hosted by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year and Stephanie Giese of Binkies and Briefcases
Location:
Applebee's 
Rt. 30, 2321 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, PA 17602
Date/Time: 
Wednesday, October 16th at 6:30 PM


WEST VIRGINIA - Hosted by Teri of Snarkfest
Location:

Domestic

117 E. German Street
Shepherdstown, WV 25443

Date/Time:

Wednesday, October 16th at 7-10 PM

THERE ARE LOTS MORE NOW. CHECK HERE TO SEE THE COMPLETE LIST.

I know the idea can sound a bit daunting, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth the effort it takes to leave the house. If the thought of going alone sounds awful, then bring your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker, or even your mom (you owe her a night to pee alone).

You can find all of the events listed above and more here: in the Events section on the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook page. We're adding more all the time, so keep checking in and be sure to RSVP so we know who is coming.

If there isn't one planned for a city near you, don't fret, because YOU can host. You don't have to be a blogger to host, it was just easier to ask my bloggy friends at first, because they looooove this sort of stuff. 

It isn't hard. Just pick a location near you and a time on October 16th that works for you. It doesn't need to be fancy. Something casual tends to work best anyway. Once you've got the details figured out, send me an email at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com and I will add your event to the page.

Look for a location near you and keep watching for new ones to be added. We hope to see you there!

Weekly Wrap Up 9.15.13

Well, it's been awhile since I've written a weekly wrap up and I thought it was time to get back in the habit. I was stupid busy this summer with writing and raising children. I'm too cheap to send the kids to camp all summer long, so instead I have to entertain them and there is only so much television they're willing to watch. You know you're failing at parenting when your kids start complaining that they've already seen this episode of "Full House" and they'd really just like to go to the pool and get some exercise or listen to you read them a book.

I managed to finish my manuscript for Random House a couple of weeks ago. Right around the same time the kids went back to school so now I have time to blog again (have you noticed?). I'm excited about the manuscript (and school). I think it's going to be a good book. I mean my mom really enjoyed it even though I made fun of her a lot in the book. I hope a few of you are saving your dollars so you can buy a copy for yourself and a friend, because your friends need to laugh too.

I've started leaving my house to speak to people. It's terrifying and fun all at the same time. I've got some upcoming dates set for the Kansas City area, so if you're around and you want to put some pants on and come out and see me, you can see all of the locations here. The next one will be at the Johnson County (KS) Library  on Thursday, September 26th. OK, just kidding, pants are only a suggestion.

What else is going on that's exciting? Ohh, this isn't my news, but it's still super crazy exciting. Remember last week when I encouraged everyone who already didn't own Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves to go out and buy it? Well, if you did then you helped catapult one of my favorite writers, Robin O'Bryant straight onto the New York Times Bestseller's List. The NYT list is the freaking Holy Grail and Robin did it (with your help). Thanks to everyone who supported her. I'm so excited and thrilled for her. I just hope she's holding me a spot on that list. I'd prefer number one, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Alright, let's get to This Week's Most Popular Posts:

Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money - There's a disgusting trend among pregnant women with access to Craigslist. I'm just sad I'm not pregnant, because I could use some extra scratch.

BMI Grade Cards at School - Schools are sending home grade cards with kids to tell them that not only are they failing Math, they're also too fat all while serving something called "Fish Treasures."

Pet Amber Alert -  This company annoys me and they should totally let me write their ads like the one I wrote for a missing cat at the bottom of the post.

We Can Do Better - Mrs. Hall, mother of three impressionable young boys, wrote a letter to the hootchies of the world who keep blinding her precious snowflakes with their fish lip photos. Poor Mrs. Hall got an earful from the world. I jumped in and gave her my two cents.

Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You - This one is total gossip and so worth a read.

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

"Have you seen me-ow?" Good Lawd, I died. on Pet Amber Alert

Hehe, my cat's name IS Batman BruceWayne Ourlastname. When he is being a mischievous asshat, I yell at him using his full name. I wonder what the neighbors think... on Pet Amber Alert

That is the best name ever. If I ever break down and get a pet, I will probably have to use this name. Or Professor Punch. It's a toss up.

So many awful things come from well-intentioned idiots. on BMI Grade Cards at School

Oh girl, you know my thoughts on this. This is a national epidemic. As soon as impoverished families can buy fresh produce and lean meats at the same price as a Happy Meal, we'll start moving in a positive direction. Obesity is not just a social problem, it's an economic development issue. Telling children they are overweight does not even scratch the surface here and no need to tell parents they "should" be giving their children healthier/lower fat options. They KNOW this but, people only have the food dollars they have. Also, in most communities, like mine, a VAST majority of the public school children are on free/reduced lunch. They are getting 2 of their meals there. Let's change the direction of the telescope... on BMI Grade Cards at School

We need to educate parents on what constitutes a healthy weight/BMI and what is proper portion size for a child. In my practice, I use the BMI to validate to parents whether a kid is overweight, a healthy weight, or underweight. I see a fair number of patients who come in because their parent tells me the kid doesn't eat...or thinks they are too thin. Most of the time, neither statement is true, it is the expectations of the parents that need to be addressed. Maybe the school could take a bigger role in managing childhood obesity by first stop serving crap like chicken nuggets and pizza for lunch; one of my patients, an overweight youngster who attends an after school program (at her school) told me they were being served pizzas and nachos for an afterschool snack! Seriously? I'm working with her and her mother to help control her weight. Her mom had me write a letter to the program telling them she could only eat her healthy snacks from home. on BMI Grade Cards at School

5 years ago, when I was preggo, a good friend asked me to pee on a stick for her, so she could play a birthday prank on her vasectomized husband. She changed her mind when he fell down the stairs and cracked his skull open, just from a clutz move. She didn't want to see what would happen if she showed him a positive pee stick. on Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

Lol. I am what you consider an oversharer. I totally posted my pregnancy test and every ultrasound pic, and have since posted billions of pics of my kid that maybe nobody but me wants to see. But I don't care! :-) I tried for this baby girl for six years and dang it, I had to/ have to share! on Apparently Yellow is the Color of Money

We're all oversharers of some kind. You overshare your baby and overshare mine (the blog). What makes you and I better is that we can laugh at ourselves for being oversharers.

This regularly-attending, actively-involved chuch lady LOVES your blog. I'd love to have you speak at one of our women's events! Keep on bloggin'! on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

You haven't said, "get your fucking backpack and get your ass in the car" not even one time? on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

Not to the kids. Maybe to the Hubs ...

How I took Jen's reaction was not that she was mad that the Pearl-Clutcher was upset. It was that instead of speaking to her church members about her reservations or contacting Jen, she went on a website designed to re-sell a specific brand of clothing, posted a part of one blog, and she (and every commenter) based her entire opinion about Jen's speaking ability/appropriateness on that. on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

Yes. That was my reaction exactly. Thanks for explaining.

"Always watching..." Like Roz from Monsters Inc. : ) on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

I am more like Roz than I care to admit.

The content of your blog is offensive to church goers/church leadership. Why would you expect to be welcomed to speak? Sure, you can censor yourself and behave in public. But your private life doesn't match up to what the Bible teaches (not that anyone's does, but it's clear here that you aren't trying to watch your language). Churches want the real deal. They have enough problems with people accusing them of hypocrisy. Allowing you to speak would be endorsing language/thoughts they find sinful. It would be more hypocritical to allow you to speak, imo. I'd give them a break on this issue. on Every Move You Make. I'll Be Watching You.

You're right, my private life doesn't match up with the Bible, but private lives matching the Bible hasn't stopped churches from opening their doors for years to worse offenders than me. Like tele-evangelists who steal from the offering plate or cheat on their wives. Or blame earthquakes on homosexuals. Or cover up sexual abuse for years. I'm the least of their worries when it comes to hypocrisy.

THANK YOU. Several friends posted this the other day and I was bothered by it but couldn't find the words. Once again, you found them for me, and they are way funnier than what I would have said. THANK YOU!!! on We Can Do Better

I agree somewhat and I get what Mrs. Hall is saying here but the whole...my boys are holier than thou so stop tempting them thing did make me roll my eyes. Come on, they are TEENAGE boys...they ogle girls in traffic for goodness sake and probably everywhere else. I'm all for monitoring online activity. I already do this with my son who is only 11. And I probably wouldn't be too happy about girls sending photos to my son. BUT I'm also a realist and I know this is going to happen at some point. All that I can do as his mother is prepare him for dating and falling in love and having feelings about girls. Sexuality is a normal, natural thing. However, you are correct that we need to teach young girls AND boys to have respect for themselves first and then for their chosen partners. I am trying my best to raise an honest gentleman who treats his future girlfriend(s) like a lady should be treated. on We Can Do Better

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said her post depicts her boys as being victimized. I agree that girls should not be posting skimpy, provocative pictures, but also some responsibility lies with boys in general & how they react to those & perceive all girls. Be respectful & don't respond to those kinds of posts (ie: delete them or block them). on We Can Do Better

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