Newt Gingrich AKA "King of the Douche Canoes"

This guy is the biggest joke I've seen in a long time and I'm shocked - utterly and completely shocked - that anyone is taking this asshole seriously.  Newt Gingrich could offer classes on how to be a douche.  It would be called "The Art of Douchery" and I'm pretty sure he could get his usual speech fee of $60,000 a pop, no problem.  After all, this is a man who has successfully blamed his infidelities on the "passion" he feels for this country.



And let's not forget he endorsed the "Marriage Vow," but just stopped short of signing it.  For this bold move, I've actually seen a group of evangelical pastors from Iowa compare him to Don Draper.  No one would ever get that fat sack confused with the suave Don Draper.

If anything he LOOKS more like a Mitt than a Newt.   

Yes, they're both womanizing assholes, but at least Don looks great being a womanizing asshole.  Plus, he's a fictional character.

Newt is a real live racist, homophobic, xenophobic, hypocritical, lying, philandering, egotistical, condescending, blowhard, bully.

I'm actually hoping he gets the Republican nomination, because there's nothing I would enjoy more than watching his supporters try to spin his crazy ass ideas and behaviors such as:


Capital gains should not be taxed - I'm horrified by how little Mitt Romney paid in taxes!  Oh wait, I think he paid too much.


I'm just a small business owner - with a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany, they give those to all small business owners, right?  


I believe in family values - and so do my two ex-wives, one of which I asked for an open marriage when she was diagnosed with a debilitating disease!  


I want to colonize the moon - I'm a big thinker!  (Actually, that one sounds fucking awesome.  I can't wait to colonize the moon!)

I'm not going to punch Newt at all about his politics and what I think of them (I think it's clear I'm not a fan).  Instead, I'm going to focus on the unbelievable fact that this beady eyed hobgoblin was able to woo at least three women into his lumpy, crumb-filled bed (you know Newt is the type to eat chips in bed) and managed to get all three of them to marry him at some point.
Hey baby, you wanna get with this hobgoblin?

Are you kidding me?  Have you seen this guy?  Even in a suit he looks rumpled, doughy, sweaty and a little smelly (I'm thinking a combo of mothballs and B.O.).  Can you imagine him naked??  Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about it.  I can just imagine his big meaty hands coming at me and his mush mouth flapping like a dying fish trying to kiss me...

Wait!  What am I saying?!  Newt would never make the move on me.  Just like his first wife, he would not think I'm pretty enough to be the First Lady of the United States of America.

How in the hell did this guy get three women in his bed??  How did he manage to juggle two at a time??  
What kind of moves can a guy called "Newt" actually have?  I can't even begin to imagine.  Between his whiny voice and his dick attitude, I can't imagine that too many women would actually be attracted to him.

Let's face it, we know what's attracting these women to Newt and it ain't his purty smile.  It's power and money for these gals - well, except for the first one.  His math teacher.  I have no idea what that was about except maybe she was a creepy cat lady and Newt was failing math and he saw an opportunity and took it.  He's been described over and over as an "opportunist."  So that makes sense.  Plus, it's the only scenario I can come up with.

By the time he met the other two, he was wielding some power and those two were obviously attracted to his power - I refuse to believe it was his good looks and winning personality.  Either that or he has an enormous....stimulus package (blech, I just threw up again).


What the fuck is wrong with women who are attracted to assholes with money and power?  You can't tell me that if Newt was a middle manager making $70,000 at Avery, any of these women would have lined up at the door of his modest ranch house just so they could get free labels.

Why are money and power such strong aphrodisiacs for women?  And why do the women attracted to rich and powerful men always assume it will be different for them especially if they were once the mistress?  Maybe that should be one of my rules for daughters:  Never be the mistress.

Better watch your back, Callista.  You might look the part of First Lady with your plastic Barbie body and platinum helmet hair, but you're getting some miles on you.  Think of what a dick Newt is now with his giant ego (even with that ridiculous bobble head) and he doesn't even have the nomination - what if he gets the nomination AND becomes President (God forbid)?  This is a man who thinks he's going to colonize the moon - in the next 8 years.  He dreams big.  Probably super model big.  He might take a page from Nikolas Sarkozy's playbook and try to find his own Carla Bruni.

Remember, Callista, he didn't sign the "Marriage Vow," he only "endorsed" it.  Do you really think he won't at least think about trading up?  He has so much "passion" for this country and the American people might just demand a younger, hotter First Lady.  If that was the case he'd have no choice, he'd have to listen to the people.    

Before you attack me because you think I don't like Newt because he's a conservative, I want to be clear.  I want to punch Newt in the throat because he's a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, hypocritical, lying, philandering, egotistical, condescending, blowhard, bully and an asshole.  I could care less which party he's with.  He's just a dick and I'm surprised more people aren't saying it so I thought I'd start.

The Fam at an All You Care to Eat Salad Bar

Yesterday we had to get out of the house for awhile so we decided to go out for lunch.  I was very tired of eating fast food and so I picked the Hy-Vee salad bar.  The Hubs had never been, but the kids and I go there sometimes with my grandmother and my kids like it.  He said he'd give it a try.

The sign on the salad bar says "All You Care to Eat"  I don't think Hy-Vee has ever met my family or seen us at a buffet.  It's not about how much we care to eat, it's how much we can eat.  The Hubs has a hollow leg and has been known to get up and take a lap around a restaurant just so he can make room for more food.  Plus, I have two kids that have inherited their father's hollow leg and can eat their weight in fruit and carbs.

The Hubs sees an all you can eat sign like that and takes it as a personal challenge to make sure the eating establishment loses money on him that day.

Poor Hy-Vee never saw us coming.  We went there to only have lunch - we did no grocery shopping (we never do there).  We bought our all you care to eat buffets and we dug in.

We added it up last night and this is what we can remember consuming:

5 plates of salad
3 chicken breasts
1 slab of ham
2 bowls of soup
4 pineapples
1/3 of a watermelon
1 cantelope
2 lbs of strawberries
1 lb of tuna salad
10 crackers
1/2 bag of corn chips
1/4 lb taco meat
1 bag of shredded cheese
2 cups Oreo dessert
1 strawberry shortcake dessert
1/4 lb trail mix
4 waters

As we rolled ourselves out the door the kids reminded us that Hy-Vee has a mechanical horse you can ride for free.  We stopped there and both kids rode the horse - twice.

I think it's safe to say Hy-Vee will have pictures of our faces at the register next time and tell us we have to least make a purchase before we eat at their salad bar and ride their mechanical horse.






Wrap Up 1.27.12

This week the most popular posts were:


Things I Could do Before I had Children - A nice little jaunt down memory lane when I could pee in privacy and not in my pants every time I sneeze.
Rules for Parents of Daughters - This list is still going strong.
People Who Don't Speak Up for the Innocent - This was a post I wrote about Joe Paterno.  I had a lot of people who were highly offended and probably are no longer followers of the blog, but you know what?  I barely miss them.  I'm sorry they left, but I still stand by what I said.  I had a lot more supporters than detractors and I received a lot of supportive emails from readers - thank you!  I also received a link to this diary entry.  After reading what this woman had to say about her abuse experience I realized abuse is even more horrible than I could imagine.  
Gabrielle What's Her Name -  This is a post about the former owner of my house who is living large and avoiding the bills.  
Me - For Wanting a Minivan - My deep, dark secret.


My Favorite Comments This Week (and my responses if necessary):


So many great comments.  Where do I start...I'm pretty good with 'fuck you very much'! on Things I Could do Before I had Children. 
This and "douche canoe" will be my claims to fame someday.


Nice one, Jenn!  My fave saving from when my kids were little:  "Mommy drinks because you cry."  xoxo HK on Things I Could Do Before I had Children.
I remember you drinking before you had kids, HK.  I don't think you can blame it on the kids. 


I will let my kids throw up on me if I means I won't have to change their sheets in the middle night! on Things I Could Before I had Children.
I'm with you on this one!

I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!! no really.....I laugh my ass off every time I read an entry....stay strong and true,
sista...and I have no doubt you love your kids to the moon and back. You are REAL!!! Those who don't get it are living on another planet. on Things I Could do Before I had Children.
Thank you!!


Okay, so the other morning my husband and I had a little extra time before the kids got up for school so we started fooling around. It was dark and quiet in our room, the fan was making just enough noise in the hallway to keep the kids sleeping and our door was shut. my husband and I were actually having sex when he said..."Jacob...?" And out of the corner of my eye I saw the silluette (sp?) of our 8 year old sit upright on the floor. He had come into our room in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. I quicky covered myself with what was available - 2 pillows - and told him he needed to leave and he quickly complied. I went into his room after getting dressed and told him that if hes going to come in our room, he needs to tell one of us that he's there. I went back in our room and my husband asked me if I called him a cock-blocker!! Not so much. :-/ on Things I Could do Before I had Children.
You should start saving now for his therapy bills.  


I have no children, and this list and comments have scared the living piss out of me enough to keep putting it off... on Things I Could do Before I had Children.
This is the best form of birth control.  It should be mandatory reading for anyone before they have kids - especially high school students.

Yes! and as I sit on the toilet reading this my daughter shouts from outside, "MOM are you done YET? I don't hear any ploppers." on Things I Could do Before I had Children. 
Teeheehee.  'Ploppers.'


Keep the faith, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Being empty nesters my wife and I are now free to do all those things you say you can't do anymore. All except the sex on the kitchen floor. By the time you are an empty nester age has taken a certain toll on your body. If we were to get down on the kitchen floor, we'd have to call fire and rescue to come help us up. on Things I Could do Before I had Children.
Can't wait.  And then I'll complain that my kids never come to visit me.

My additions:  If all your friends and family hate your boyfriend - it's not because they don't understand him, it's because he's a GIANT PIECE OF SHIT.  Listen to them - they can see it way before you will. on Rules for Parents of Daughters.

Teach your daughters how to use inflection. If every sentence out of there mouth? sounds like it's a question? they just sound stupid? And that it's even more annoying when they do the "Broken Headed Barbie" (wide eyes, big smile, and head tilted to the side.)with it. Completely impossible to credit her with any intelligence whatsoever. on Rules for Parents of Daughters.
O. M. G.  I totally know what you're talking about?  We should totally do that!?  


Your blog was sent to me by my best friend in HS's father who I have not seen in 25 years but whom follows my blog. I instantly fell in love with your blog. I blog about punk rock and special needs parenting and so much more. on Blog Love - Not a Punch.
I needed a flow chart to figure out how you got my blog.  I love that you still speak to your best friend's dad after 25 years.  Gotta love the Internet!  I can't wait to read your blog, it sounds like a trip.  


This is in fact what is wrong with our country today and Gabrielle is just one of the few living this way. She and others like her make me puke. We are basically rewarding those that continually make bad financial decisions anymore. Sick, sick, sick. on Gabrielle What's Her Name.



You have Gabrielle, I have James! I get calls all the time for him. I know exactly where he works, who is wife is...and I know that his ex-wife is PISSED that she isn't getting her child support payments because her lawyer called me last month. I'm too invested in this family to change my number now...on Gabrielle What's Her Name.


Why dont you just change the house phone line number? on Gabrielle What's Her Name.
I've said this before, but it's worth repeating here.  I don't have Gabrielle's number.  It was my own number.  The creditors follow an address and call all the numbers associated with the address.  I don't want to change the number, because they'd find me anyway.  Also, I'm just curious to see what Gabrielle is up to.


This story seems incredulous. Phones don't transfer with home ownership. It's okay if it's a fake story cuz it was entertaining anyway, but come on. There's no way you had the same phone # as the previous occupant. Plus the rest of the story is highly controversial. Jet planes? I don't know...but it's those phone calls that raised an eyebrow with me. on Gabrielle What's Her Name.
See the above response to see why they creditors have my number.  Private jet travel is not as uncommon as you might think.  I know several people who travel by private jet - but they pay their bills or actually own the jet themselves.


I finally gave in and got one. I have 3 kids and with all of their crap, it was a necessity. It's black with slidey doors and stow and go seating so I can hide my chocolate stash. The most important thing is that I NEVER refer to it as a mini-van. It's my "Mobile Command Center." on Me - For Wanting a Minivan.
If I got one, I'd want "MCC" on my license plate.

I love my 'God'essey. It was a stuggle in the beginning not to park far away from my destination to avoid being seen in my mini-van. But I'm used to it now and call it my mobile purse. There really is a compartment for EVERYTHING. on Me - For Wanting a Minivan.
I changed my mind.  My license plate would say "God SC."


So did you punch yourself yet and knock some sense into your head? Don't do it! on Me - For Wanting a Minivan. The hubs offered to take me to the dealership twice this week and both times I was too busy. I'm still interested, but it's not on the top of my list this week.




I just blogged about this the other day! My truck was in the shop and we had to get a rental. I was thinking it was going to be something along the lines of a Ford Focus or something. Nope, it was a tricked out Chrysler Town and Country. For the love of all things holy! I am not a minivan driver. Can't do it. Won't do it. Despite all the bells and whistles -- dual slidey doors, dual DVD players, hands free tailgate, "leathah" interior and so forth -- it held no appeal. I was SO glad to turn that suckah back in to Enterprise. My daughter on the other hand? While there weren't any tears, she did have a few quiet moments stroking the back bumper as she said her good-byes, I shit you not. on Me - For Wanting a Minivan.

We traded in a Cadillac Escalade for a Toyota Sienna and I EFFING love it! My hubs was completely against the idea for all the above stated reasons. I had to work on him for about 3 months and finally convinced him based on gas mileage :) Now HE loves it too. He drives that sucker with pride. I only wish we would have waited until these newest models were out. I about have a you know what when I see the brand new Siennas or Odysseys. Good luck on your quest sister! on Me - For Wanting a Minivan.


My ex-huaband's dream car was a minivan. He also wore a helmet as a child...no judgment, just saying. on Me - For Wanting a Minivan.

I can't stand when people say "Just saying."  Just sayin'.  ;)

Thanks for all the comments this week!  I look forward to reading the comments every week so keep 'em coming!

Blog Love - Not a Punch

Ever since my blog blew up a few months ago I've received many, many emails from readers who have started their own blogs.  I also know that many of you who read were blogging long before I came along.

I thought today would be a good day to share our blogs.  I looked into the whole "linky" thing and to be honest, I couldn't figure it out (I'm a complete idiot when it comes to technical stuff) so we're going old school.

Please comment below and leave a link to your blog.  Try to read and comment on as many as you can and share the ones you love.

And don't be afraid.  I won't punch your blog....unless you want me to!




Me - For Wanting a Minivan


Last week you found out I was a closet crafter and now I have another sad confession to make:

I really want a minivan.


It's not like I need a minivan.  I only have 2 children and no pets.  I just really want one.

Bizarre, right?  Even a little sick and twisted.  I can't explain it.  No one understands it.  I barely understand it.

Right now I drive a Toyota Venza.  It's a very nice car, but do you know what demographic Toyota is marketing the Venza to?  Baby Boomers.  I drive a Baby Boomer car.  I want a Swagger Wagon, not a Boomermobile.  Are you listening Toyota and Honda marketing people?  I would actually LOVE to drive one of your vehicles compared to the many people who complain about having to drive a minivan.


I want a minivan in black, preferably, because black is more badass and I want to drive a badass minivan, because black is the only badass minivan color there is.  Duh.

I want to have "slidey doors" (as my kids call them) that I can open and close with a push of the button so my kids can jump in or out like parachuters on an airplane.  These slidey doors would also come in handy when my children throw open their doors and ram them into the cars parked next to us.  The people who park next to me would appreciate it if I drove a minivan.  It's almost like I'd be helping mankind if I drove one.

I want enough seats for my kids and their friends when we're going somewhere.  I hate that I always have to say, "I can't take anyone, because my car can only hold 2 boosters/carseats."  If I had my sweet ride, I would have a whole row of extra seats available!

If I had a minivan, I wouldn't stop with just the automatic doors.  I couldn't possibly stop there.  My dream is to drive a badass minivan so I'd also need the DVD player with headphones (please God, with headphones because I can't listen to "Phineas & Ferb" while I'm driving - I'll drive off a cliff), Bluetooth (hands free calling is safer), I'd want the power tailgate (no sense getting my hands dirty when that's an option) and I'd want the leather wrapped steering wheel (just 'cause I just like "leathah").

I don't have a minivan because the Hubs has deemed it an impractical car for our family (and I think he thinks he'd look like a wuss driving it).  I know he's right -  he would look pretty wussy driving it, but who cares?

Just today the conversation arose again.  We were on the carpool line surrounded by happy minivan drivers and the Hubs said, "Really?  You really want to drive one of those things?"

"Of course."

"But why?  They're so...."

"What?  You think you're better than a minivan, don't you?"  I asked.

"Yes, I guess I do.  First of all, I hate to carpool and by driving a small car I never have to carpool.  Second of all, driving a minivan is like waving a sign that says, 'I've given up.'"

"You're an asshole."

"Pretty much.  But if you really want one I'll get you one."

Awww....he's my asshole.

People Who Don't Speak Up for the Innocent

Today was a quiet Sunday afternoon and I opened up my Facebook and noticed a trend of "RIP Joe Paterno" on a number of my friends' walls.

Of course I knew he'd died.  I don't live under a rock.  Every news outlet was reporting about his death.
And of course, I felt bad for his family that they'd lost him.

I don't follow sports, so I don't know anything about his legacy as the most winningest coach or what have you and I never went to Penn State.

I have read the glowing accounts of what a great coach he was and what a terrific ambassador he was for Penn State.  He was obviously a revered man who was well loved by his family and perfect strangers.

He came to my attention during the Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal.  All I know is that Paterno didn't go to the police when he should have and to me that outweighs all of his good deeds.

As a mother, nothing infuriates me more than to know that innocent children who needed protection at their most vulnerable time did not get it from a man they looked up to and admired.  I don't just blame Joe Paterno.  I blame the Penn State officials.  I blame Mike McQueary.   I blame anyone who puts profit over the welfare of the children they are entrusted with.

As far as I'm concerned he's not a hero in my book.  So I wrote a simple sentence on the Facebook page for this blog:  "Am I the only person who doesn't care Joe Paterno died?  My FB is blowing up with RIPs."

Who knew what a simple sentence could do to people?  Within an hour I had 256 comments about what I'd said.  Some were as simple as:  I agree to people hoping he's burning in hell to others calling for my throat to be punched for uttering the words "I don't care."

I obviously touched a nerve on this one.  Who knew?  Here's the thing.  He was old.  I'm sorry if he suffered.  I don't doubt he's missed by his family.  However, I do think he made a terrible error in judgment when he didn't report the abuse to the police.  I don't know why he didn't report it.  I really don't care what his excuses were.  He simply should have.

I don't wish ill of the dead, I'm just putting myself in the shoes of the parents of the children who were violated.  I am speaking out for them, because if I were one of them I would hope someone else would speak out for me.

Weekly Wrap Up 1.20.12

This week went by sooo fast!  I can't believe it's already at an end.  


Top read posts this week were:


Rules for Parents of DaughtersThis list wasn't as funny as my boy's list and I got some flack for that.  I feel that boys do a lot more "gross" things than girls do that should be stopped and girls do more self-destructive things and that's not funny.  This one also went viral this week.  Thanks again to those of you who kept sharing it. 


Open Letter to Beyonce & Jay-Z - I was very excited to hear from the Nash Coulon mom who is the NICU mom who inspired me to write this.  Their second baby just got released from the NICU this week so that's why they've been MIA about this story.  Her comment is below.


Rules for Raising BoysThis was in response to a sweet list I saw making the rounds about teaching boys to do laundry and such.  This was just my snarky take on what I thought could have been added to the list.


Little Bags of Crap - I was so relieved to learn this week that I am not the only one raising a little bag lady and that we can all star in "Hoarders" together.


The Doctors at CHOP - I got fired up because a little girl was denied a transplant because of her mental deficiencies.  


The Parents of Storm Stock-Witterick - An article came out yesterday about a family similar to this finally revealing their child's sex and it prompted me to re-post this one.


My favorite comments of the week (and my responses):


I was looking for a DS in my daughters room and found a bag filled with books and a pumpkin. A real pumpkin she must have taken from the front steps. She's 9. on Little Bags of Crap


I'm not sure that some of our kids will every outgrow the bags of crap stage.  Last year I found my own little bag of crap in the front hall.  It was a Target bag and I was sure it was a return I kept forgetting to take back.  After by-passing it for far too long, I finally stopped one day and grabbed it only to find it was REALLY heavy.  I looked inside and there was a moldering pumpkin that I had obviously thrown in there after Thanksgiving thinking I'd chuck it in the garbage and never did.  


People who read blogs and then bitch about the content.  Double punch for people with poor reading comprehension skills who read blogs incorrectly and bitch about imagined content.  Nope.  Triple punch. on Got a Punch?


I could not agree more nor say it better myself.  


Hi.  I want to thank you for this incredibly on point and sensitive post.  I am the mommy of the preemies in question at Lenox Hill.  My husband I WERE in fact kept from seeing our children amongst various other horrible instances that you so accurately accounted above.  It was an absolute nightmare.  One of our twins is still in the NICU, and we  haven't gotten one apology from the Beyonce/Jay Z camp.  The complaints that were "dropped" were not ours and we are still fighting this fight.  And we need more folks like you to continue to stand up for what is right.  Thanks and see you out in the trenches.  Nash-Coulon Mom on Open Letter to Beyonce and Jay-Z


I'm so glad to hear from you and I'm glad you have told your side.  Good luck with the fight.


HA!  You are hysterical, really I do love reading your post.  However, I am one of those overachieving moms that is planning to throw a "Potty Like A Rock Star Party for my just turned 2 year old potty trained son.  I don't plan on inviting many people, just my neighbors kids who have also recently been potty trained.  Albeit it won't be as elaborate and gorgeous as the one on the blog, it will be on a smaller scale.  Some parents bribe their kids with tooth rotting candy, or buy them all sorts of dangerous and non-educational toys, I throw him a party!  I am after all a party planner ;).  I get that it's not for everyone, but there is a market out there for over the top parties, and in this world you have to think outside the box sometimes. 


Please understand I am in no way offended, I love reading your posts, and plan on doing so for a long time. I just thought I'd add a little wrench in and see how many moms are horrified that one of your readers is one of "those moms" LOL. on Potty Parties


I'm glad you have a sense of humor about the potty party and you're not afraid to admit you want to throw one.  Haha.  I think that's terrific.  I saw a lot of comments about how cute the decorations were.  I'm sure there are more potty partiers out there than we know.


I was also glad to see that the women from the Potty Party blog had a sense of humor and could chuckle too (and get some decent traffic on their site.  I know someone will buy a party kit in the next few days).  I was disappointed to read some of the comments left over there though.  I know you guys feel strongly sometimes and I think it's totally fine to rant and rave on my comments section, but I really don't like when another blog gets bombed with a bunch of comments about the way kids look and such.  I just think kids should be left out of it.     


Ah now SOPA really has me mad, I miss your insights more than Wikipedia any day ;) on SOPA and PIPA


Awwww, thanks!


Wish I could have a bye bye thumb sucking party...after cake and ice cream mommy's gonna cut your thumb off.  LOL on Potty Parties


I am so with you!  Maybe the potty party girls can come up with something for us.  THAT is a party I would throw.  I am so sick of the thumb sucking!!

SOPA & PIPA

It seems like I've been asking to sign a lot of petitions lately and I've got another one today.  If you're not familiar with SOPA & PIPA, you can read about them here.

I'm going silent today in solidarity of the protest.  Please consider signing the petition below.

http://americancensorship.org/

In the meantime, you can always check out my archived posts and I'll see you all tomorrow!

Jen

The Doctors at CHOP

Someone sent this story to me.  It's about a little girl named Amelia who needs a life saving kidney transplant and Children's Hospital of Philadelphia won't do the surgery because she's "mentally retarded" (their words, not mine).  I read further and found that the family of this girl is willing to donate the needed kidney and CHOP still won't perform the surgery.  The hospital used the excuse of "quality of life" to justify their decision.

I just found this absolutely appalling.  This is someone's child who is sitting there in a stroller sleeping peacefully while a bunch of arrogant doctors (and a horrible social worker) tell her parents that they don't see any value in continuing her life.  They're willing to throw her away like a piece of garbage.

"This is hard for me, you know," says the doctor after he's told her parents he won't perform the surgery.

I really don't believe a word of that.  But, for argument's sake, let's say he's telling the truth.  If he thinks it's hard for him, how does he think Amelia's parents feel????

I can only imagine that when the doctor left that conference room he said, "Whew, that was a tough conversation.  I hate when I have to do those.  Who's up for lunch?"

I also imagine that Amelia's parents had to look into their precious child's eyes and say, "They think your life is worthless.  We failed - this time, but we're not done fighting for you.  We think you're valuable and we think you're worth saving."

Wouldn't any parent say that to their child?

How can this be happening in this day and age?  How can doctors sit there and play God and decide who gets to live and who doesn't?

I'm stunned.  There are groups out there rallying to stop abortions - but no one is rallying for Amelia?  I passed a church today with 50 little white crosses in the yard protesting abortions.  Their time would be better spent protesting the treatment Amelia (a living, breathing child who is already born) is receiving.  There are groups that try to stop people from pulling the plug on loved ones who are clearly brain dead - but they could care less about Amelia?  Amelia may be developmentally delayed, but maybe she needs to be in a coma to get their attention!

If you're going to call yourself pro-life, then you'd better be willing to back up ALL life.  I'm pro-choice and I have a problem with this, so pro-life people should really have a problem with this.  (I'm not saying that pro-life people don't care.  I'm saying this is actually something we have in common and could protest together.)

Surely Amelia has as much right to life as an unborn fetus or a brain dead person hooked up to a machine!  Where are the people rallying for this girl and other children like her?  She's a living, breathing human being who has family and friends who love her dearly and she's just been told her life is worthless.  How fucked up is that?

After reading many of the the comments to the original post by Amelia's mother, I realized that this is not an uncommon occurrence.  I think this is deplorable and I'm ashamed that I didn't know about it before now.

I know that most of my readers are parents.  Imagine if this was your child being denied life.  Wouldn't you want everyone to know?  Spread the word, would you please?

Here is the petition to sign to allow the kidney transplant.

UPDATE: I received an email from Amelia's mother on October 31, 2015. She wrote: "Someone just sent me your blog post about my daughter Amelia and her denial of her kidney transplant. I know it's been about three years since you wrote it but I just want to say thank you for caring about my daughter. She is doing great and is growing so much since the transplant. We are two years out since she received my kidney and I am still reading about all of the wonderful people who supported us! I attached a picture of Amelia on her first day of school. A day that never would have happened if people like you didn't speak up for her. Thank you again!" I was so glad to hear that Amelia is doing well!!! 


Weekly Wrap Up 1.14.11

This week has been a busy week for me.

Top posts this week were:

Open Letter to Beyonce & Jay-Z - There were some allegations leveled against the couple and Lenox Hill Hospital.  I reacted to what I read and saw in the press.  Since I wrote this, there has been an investigation and it's all over now.  The parents never came forward again, I'm not sure what happened to them.  This post got flagged by FB and people had some trouble reposting it for about a day.  I appreciate anyone who went above and beyond to get it out there.

Rules for Parents of Daughters - This list wasn't as funny as my boy's list and I got some flack for that.  I feel that boys do a lot more "gross" things than girls do that should be stopped and girls do more self-destructive things and that's not funny.  This one also went viral this week.  Thanks again to those of you who kept sharing it.

Rules for Parents of Sons - This was in response to a sweet list I saw making the rounds about teaching boys to do laundry and such.  This was just my snarky take on what I thought could have been added to the list.

Things I Saw This Morning That Pissed Me Off - This was a list I wrote after watching the news one morning.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - Finally, this post has been kicked out of first place and at this rate it might not even make the list next week.

My favorite comments of the week (and my replies):


Jen, You do have a son, right?  I have a boy and a girl and while I admired and posted your list for girls.  This list for boys is insulting.  It reflects a view of boys as simpletons.  You encourage strength, self respect and confidence for girls while you emphasize not "rubbing one out," not "standing to pee" and not "picking boogers" for boys.  This list just reflects a low opinion for boys.  You had the potential to come up with something much better especially for your son's sake. on Rules for Raising a Boy

Yes I have son.  Can you read?  The beginning of the boy's list clearly states that there is a sweet, nice list making the rounds and this was my version of the list.  It's not meant to be empowering and uplifting.  It was a joke. Why do I keep having to tell people what I write is a joke?  I guess I should be glad that so many people are taking my "words of wisdom" to heart, but I'm concerned how many people don't read closely.  


Of course charges were dismissed.  They can afford a 2,200 square foot nursery and a $500,000 minivan. I'm sure there was a "donation" to someone somewhere that made those charges magically disappear.  What selfish assholes!  My 1st son was a NICU baby, only my hospital didn't have a NICU and he was taken 35 miles away while I was made to stay at the original hospital.  I didn't see him for almost 2 days.  When I did make it to the hospital to see him, if I had been told that I couldn't see him because of some BULLSHIT like this, my ass probably would have wound up in jail. on Open Letter to Beyonce & Jay-Z

I could not agree more, but on advice from my legal counsel, I will remain silent.  Haha.




I find it funny that you discourage your daughter from reading teen magazines yet you're a faithful reader of People (?) and US (?). # hypocrite. on Weekly Wrap Up 1.6.12

Did I ever say I wasn't a hypocrite?  Of course I'm a hypocrite.  I'm not perfect.  Aren't we all hypocrites at times?  Also, I'm an adult woman who is not easily influenced by the shit I read in those rags.  And I never said "faithful" read of US, I've barely looked at that one.  Plus, if I don't read those magazines then how would I know who to punch?   


We broke a METAL bedframe.  When I was 6 months pregnant  Totally possible even if hubs isn't a vampire lol.  Some people LIKE rough sex - it's kinda refreshing to see someone *not* just "making love" in a movie but getting downright violent.  I think that should be on the list.  Let your daughter know that she's not "weird" for her sexual preference - sex between two consenting adults is not "weird" even if someone's tied up and getting smacked with a riding crop. on Rules for Parents of Daughters

I would like to read your blog.

I married young, I was married and done having kids before I was 20.  We have 2 beautiful daughters that are 8 and 10 and we are coming up on our 9th anniversary.  It's been the best years of my life and I don't regret anything!  While I was making dreams and goals with the love of my life my friends were out getting drunk in the bars and hooking up with numerous guys....I'm not so sure I made the wrong choice here.:)  I'm not saying if you don't get married young you'll be a bar hopper, but I am saying there is nothing wrong with getting married if you know you've found the one. on Rules for Parents of Daughters.

I hear what you're saying here.  These rules are coming from my experience.  I just know that if I'd gotten married at 20 I would not still be married to that person.  I've also seen a lot of my friends get married young and have it not work out vs. my friends who married later in life.  My parents got married in their very early 20s and had kids young and they're still together 40 years later.  It does work for some people, just not sure it would have worked for me so I'm advising my daughter to take her time.  PS - I do envy you for being such a young mother - that's one negative of waiting until I was 30 to get married. 

I love to follow your post...as a father and husband it is great b/c my wife and I can talk about it and laugh at it...and she can 'school' me on what a douche canoe is! on Contact Me

I love that there are some men out there reading the blog.  I'm also glad that you recognize that your wife is a wealth of knowledge. 


So you actually have to make your child lunches when they go to school?  Ah hell, I better start Googling now, 2 years will go by in a flash!  on Lunchbag Competitors

You mean you don't make your 2 year old amazing, interesting and fun lunches now?  The horror.  


Actually, in 2 years the lunch rage will probably be something else, so you might as well wait.
These comments need no reply.  I just love them and agree with them completely.  Preach it!

The difference between raising boys vs. raising girls:  when you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis.  When you have a girl, you have to worry about ALL of them. on Rules for Parents of Daughters

God, why didn't people write these kinds of things when I was growing up?  My parents could have used a few of these lessons. on Rules for Parents of Daughters

For the salesgirls at a clothing department shop who ask you to sign up for a credit card when they're ringing up your stuff.  I understand you are probably being forced to ask me if I want one, but by the FOURTH time in a row you've asked, you've pushed my bitch-switch (totally stealing this BTW) and I will no longer politely refuse.

SG: Are you using your :insert store card: today?
Me:  No
SG: Would you like to sign up for a card?
Me: No thanks.
SG: Are you sure?  You could save 10% today?
Me: Still no, but thank you.
SG: It will only take a minute to sign you up!
Me: I'm really not interested.
SG: You will receive discounts in the mail if you sign up.
Me: Can anyone hear me or am I just saying no in my head?  For the love of God, STFU!!!! on Got a Punch?

A huge PITT to my male co-workers.  If you cannot hit the toilet, please sit down or clean up after yourself.  I do not enjoy looking at or stepping in your pee.  On the same note, if you decide you need to go #2, please make sure all of your #2 goes down the toilet as I also don't enjoy looking at or smelling what you ate last night. on Got a Punch?


Being stupid is NOT CUTE.  Watch the news.  Keep up with global and local events.  Learn to drive a stick.  Learn to change a tire and check your oil.  Learn basic household maintenance.  Have your own tool box and know how to use the items inside!  Use the internet to find out how to do something instead of just waiting for him to get home to take care of it for you. on Rules for Parents of Daughters

Open Letter to Beyonce & Jay-Z

UPDATE:  This is the article I read that upset me. 

Is anybody else tired of celebrities being treated like royalty?  Because I sure am.  I read a lot over the last couple of days about Beyonce and Jay-Z's escapades at the hospital and it really made me upset.  I was a NICU parent 7 years ago and I can't imagine being denied access to my kid because a celebrity also happened to give birth when I did.

So I've written an open letter to Beyonce and Jay-Z and I really hope they read it.

Dear Beyonce and Jay-Z,

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

I was glad to hear that you were able to have your friends and family (including your makeup artist) come and visit you and your new daughter and you were able to have a catered lunch.

That's great.

But what I really want to talk to you about are the NICU parents sharing the hospital with you whose feelings you didn't take into account for one second.

Was it really necessary to lock down the entire floor and block parents from the NICU just so you could use the hallway?  I get that you're big stars and you have to worry about security and whatnot, but there's no reason to be complete assholes.

You know how right now you feel an overwhelming love for Blue mixed with a little fear, uncertainty and anxiety?  Well, NICU parents feel that times a million and the last thing they need is more stress added to their already stressful lives by a couple of divas (you're one too, Jay-Z, don't deny it) who think no one else has ever given birth before.

My bitty baby.
As a former NICU parent I can tell you how easy it is to flip flop back and forth between the excitement of having a new baby and the heart-stopping fear that your child is not well.

When you're in the NICU it is almost unbearable to pass the "normal" parents in the halls who have the pleasure of choosing whether or not they want their baby in the room with them, choosing whether to breastfeed or bottle feed, or the worst: the parents taking large, robust babies home in adorable outfits with lots of photo ops while your child is still hooked up to machines and fighting to live.

These are the parents you had no regard for.

When you're in the NICU, you get 2 maybe 3 visitors allowed at a time.  Each visitor must scrub in like a surgeon before they're allowed in the nursery.  Some visitors are barred at the door if they show any sign of a sniffle or a cough - that is certain death for many of the babies in the NICU.  Some babies are so sick they can't be handled, so their parents just gaze at them and whisper words of encouragement like, "C'mon buddy, you need to fight now.  You need to be strong, because Daddy and I love you so much and we need you to be with us."

Those are the kinds of memories these new parents were making while you were hosting a catered lunch.

The NICU parents were eating cold soup from a vending machine and realizing that the perfect birth they imagined was not happening and what they really needed was some compassion and instead they got hassled - by your "staff."

When you're in the NICU, you need support and lots of it.  You need your family and your friends to rally around you and keep you going.  Some parents are in the hospital with their babies for days, weeks, months and all they live for are the visits that continue to sustain them.

Imagine the distress of these parents - the ones you didn't care about - to find that their loved ones had been relocated or stopped from visiting.  Not for a cold, but because someone in your entourage needed to go out for a smoke or whatever was so important to shut down the hallway.

Were these measures really necessary?  I get that you need to worry about your security, but on the other hand, what are the chances that someone who wants to injure you, your baby or one of your visitors just happens to be in Lenox Hill Hospital with a baby in the NICU that day??  Pretty low is my uneducated guess.

We all want to protect our children, but covering up security cameras sounds like a way to protect your wallet more than your child.  It makes no sense to me that you're so worried some crazy person is going to get you that you install bullet proof windows and doors, but then you cover the security cameras?  If, for some reason (God forbid), someone did get in, you'd need those cameras to help catch that person.

I think you covered the cameras because you want to be sure no one has a picture of Blue.  You want to be the ones to sell her image to the highest bidder without the worry that a grainy surveillance photo is out there.  By covering the cameras though, you put everyone else's child at risk and that was a shitty thing to do.

I understand what happened, I really do.  New parents are PSYCHOTIC.  We all go through it.  It's just what we do.  Even the most normal and down to Earth people lose their shit a bit when they have a baby.  I don't know why we have such high expectations from our stars.  You guys are so out of touch with reality to start with and then you add first time parents to it and you guys go crazy.  I mean, seriously, a $500,000 minivan??  WTF?  Who is going to drive this?  Will you need a shower while you're making a run to Babies 'R' Us?

Either way, it's over now.  Now it's damage control time.  It's time to admit you were wrong and put out an apology.  Jay-Z - own it.  Once you sell the photos of Blue, a nice sizable donation (i.e, the whole check) to March of Dimes would be great.  Or better yet, pay the bills for the parents in the NICU that you disrupted - who are probably still there today wondering when their child will be able to go home.

PS - This story could all be rumor and conjecture.  I have no idea what to believe anymore.  I see articles and stories and then they're retracted.  If none of this is true (as the hospital is saying), then set the record straight.  I truly hope it's not true.

UPDATE: Since I wrote this post an investigation has been done and the complaints against Beyonce and Jay-Z and the hospital have been dismissed

SECOND UPDATE:  I received an email from the mother who was denied access to her twins in the NICU.  She thanked me for bringing attention this matter.  Her babies were still in the NICU when I heard from her, but she was going to be bringing them home that day.  She assured me that her story is the truth and that she will be taking further action about the matter.  She didn't want to do anything until her babies were home and healthy.  She promised to keep me posted.



Book Recommendations

I simply asked "What's everyone reading?" and I got sooooo many great answers.  We truly think alike in books, that's for sure!

So many of the books were already on my bedside table or on my queue at the library, but here are some I added:

Devil in the White City
Confederacy of Dunces
Sarah's Key
The Book of Awesome
The Marriage Plot
The Kitchen House
Winterdance
Black Dagger Brotherhood Series
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

I've never read Jodi Picoult or Janet Evanovich, but their names came up so many times that I'm going to try one of theirs and see what I think.

Jen Lancaster was another one that showed up a lot.  Believe it or not I had never read any of her books until a few weeks ago when someone sent me an email and suggested I was "channeling" her.  Now I've read all but one.  She is my kind of girl.  I actually like her better than Chelsea Handler.  

A few people asked what kind of books I like and so here goes:

I am a voracious reader, but not really picky.  I like books with good characters and good plots, but it doesn't need to be "deep" for me to love it.  I read a lot of historical novels, fantasy, sci fi, YA, horror, biographies and some chick lit and some mystery.  I like series a lot and I get sad when they end.  I don't read much non-fiction.

Some of my favorite books/series are:

Judy Blume - who doesn't love her?  She taught us so much.
Harry Potter (Someone suggested I might punch them for reading these books.  I LOVE these books and I think JK is a genius.  I'm currently reading them out loud to my kids each night before bed.  We are on book 2.)
Hunger Games - Loved them and can't wait for the movies (which I'm sure I'll hate).  I read her first series too Gregor the Overlander to the kids.  It's like Hunger Games Lite for little kids.
Twilight - Wanted to hate them, but I loved them even though they were cheesy, misogynistic and Edward was a bit creepy when you thought of Bella as your daughter and him stalking her.
Dragon Tattoo series - The names of people and places hurt my brain, but after awhile I just gave them nicknames and it was much easier.  The Swedish movies are really good, I'm anxious to see the American version now.
Game of Thrones series - I watched the HBO series and got hooked and wanted to read the books.  So far I've only made it through the first.  I needed a break.  A lot of characters to keep track of.
Anything by Stephen King.  One of my all time favorite books is The Stand.  I read The Dome over the summer and really liked it.  I have his newest one on my queue at the library.
Anything by Philippa Gregory.  I really like her newest series The Cousins War.
If you like Philippa you might like Carolly Erickson.  She's more historical than fiction though.  
Bossypants - Tina Fey is perfect in every way.
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling could totally hang with me and Tina when we go to lunch.
The Passage and The Twelve
Anything by Cassandra Clare - She writes YA fantasy stuff.
The Help
Anything by Cinda Williams Chima - Another YA fantasy
Diary of a Wimpy Kid Cabin Fever (the boy is reading that to me these days)
The Historian - Awesome book
Room - I read this a before they found that girl that had been living in that man's backyard.  Jacey Duggard maybe?  It was surreal listening to her true story after just finishing this work of fiction.  
Speak - YA - A good one if you have teenage girls, you should read it together and discuss.
In the Woods - American author who writes mystery/detective novels set in Ireland.  Her characters are some of my favorites, her plots can be a bit thin at times.  
The Outlander Series - Ah-may-zing.  I need a flow chart half the time to figure out where we are, but I don't mind because they're so good.
The Tipping Point - very cool
Outliers - super interesting.  I would like to raise a couple of Outliers.
The Hangman's Daughter - mystery, historical, all of the above
River of Doubt - Historical, written by a lady who lives down the street.  She finds really random  and relatively unknown historical facts and then writes incredibly interesting stories about them.  Her newest one sounds great too.  It's on my list.
Anything by Sarah Vowell, she's funny AND she's smart.
A Discovery of Witches
Becoming Marie Antoinette
50 Shades of Grey
The Forest of Hands and Teeth
Anything by Celia Rivenbark - I want to meet this woman and go to a PTA meeting with her.  She is hysterical!
Divergent Series - I met Veronica Roth at a conference last year and giggled like a school girl. I would like to be her when I grow up (Yeah, she's like 25, but still way more mature than me.)
Crossed
Matched
Room
In the Woods
Faithful Place
The Likeness
The Fault in the Stars
The Silent Wife
Gone Girl and anything else by Gillian Flynn
A Discovery of Witches series (so far I've read the first one and I'm on the second one now)
Wool
The Bone Season
Anything by Lauren Oliver
The Dead-Tossed Waves

Right now (4/12/14)  I'm reading:

Shadow of Night
Grave Mercy
Selection

Looking for something funny to read when you're done with Tina and Mindy? Check out my books:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourge - available for pre-order now on Amazon
I Just Want to Be Alone (Vol 2)
I Just Want to Pee Alone (Vol 1)

and the books of my friends (I really eat lunch with these people. OK, sometimes it's more like I'm eating a PB&J and chatting with them online, but still that's pretty close):

I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert
Moms Who Drink and Swear by Nicole Knepper
Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves by Robin O'Bryant
Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick
Hair of the Corndog by A.K. Turner
Motherhood of All Meltdowns by Crystal Ponti

Wow, this was great.  I love to talk books, can you tell?  Let's do this again in 6 months, shall we? Be sure to add more books recommendations to the comments.

Psst ... wanna talk online about books and eat PB&J sandwiches together? Let's do it! Friend me right here.




Weekly Wrap Up 1.6.12

The top read posts this week were:

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - This thing is the Energizer Bunny of my blog!  Can't believe people are still reading this one.  Meanwhile, Choppy Elfie is still sitting on the mantle.  I might put him back in his box this week if I can remember.

New Year's Resolutions - It's been pretty easy keeping my resolutions this week.  I only did one load of laundry, it was the week the cleaning lady comes so 5 minutes was perfect, and the Hubs was out of town all week so I ate cereal most nights for dinner and got a lot of reading done.  Easy peasy.

The Makers of What I Consider to be Useless Products Like The One - The Binsi Birthing Skirt.  WTF? Because I really care if I look wrinkled when I'm pushing a bowling ball out of my vagina.

I Got An Award - Twice - WTFC?

Things I Saw This Morning That Pissed Me Off - "Has Beens, Wanna Bes & Psychos Apprentice," signs of the Apocalypse and Elin Nordegren does some remodeling.

My favorite comments of the week (and my replies) were:

"I store our Christmas purchases in our luggage.  We never go anywhere anyway." on Holiday Gifts.

That is absolutely brilliant.  I will definitely do that next year.  I have been asked where I finally found the roller coaster.  It was exactly where I thought it might turn up, but was sure I had looked twice.  It was hidden in the garage under a pile of beach towels.  I went out the garage to throw something in the trash and I noticed the pile of towels was leaning precariously and looked a bit weird in shape.  Sure enough, the box was under there.  I'm an idiot.  I still have it, because I'm convinced it will make a great present for the boy next year.  I'm going to go and get it now and put it in a suitcase.  




"Love it, love it!  My favorite is "the Vault."  One of my vault members is who I like to call Mr. Asshole
Black Camry.  Thank you for a great laugh today!!" on The Hubs When He's On the Carpool Line.

You're welcome.  The Vault is something that I came up with a few years ago.  It originated for a good friend who does NOT give second chances.  You cross her and she files that shit and she never forgets.  


I would say, "Let's invite so and so to go to lunch with us today."  


Her face would turn purple and she'd reply, "Two years ago - it was a Wednesday...I was wearing my blue dress, you know, the one with the white trim?  Anyway, I was on my way to a meeting with David on 30.  We needed to talk strategy about the Higgins case.  I was eating an Everything bagel and I was feeling great because I was wearing my new lipstick - Coral Reef.  And that bastard ruined my whole day.  I was heading for the elevator thinking about how I needed to get up to 30 fast and that dick saw me coming.  We made eye contact.  Fucking eye contact, Jen.  I called for him to hold the elevator and he didn't even pretend to try.  No.  He's dead to me."  


And she was serious.  I asked her how she could remember so many details and she said, "I don't know, it's just all in my brain.  It's like a...."  


"Vault," I said.  After that I started filing stuff in my own Vault and it is awesome.




"Naked baby bump pictures.  Every single day, throughout the entire pregnancy." on People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook.

I can't imagine too many things more horrific than this.  I would be unable to stay quiet.  I'd probably just  make comments on the pictures like:  "OMG, you are HUGE for 12 weeks, what will you look like at 32 weeks??"  or  "Is that a stretch mark?  Don't worry, it's a badge of motherhood."  or  "I thought your boobs would get bigger, I guess they didn't.  That's too bad, it's one of the nicer side effects."


"I can usually deal with the annoying posts on Facebook, what drives me insane is when people end their thought with "Just Saying."  Everyone knows you're "just saying" you just freaking said it.  Apparently it is some half assed attempt at making people think that what you are saying isn't meant to be offensive...If you want to make a point, who cares what other people think!  Just say it and have a backbone and deal with the backlash!  Oh yeah...Just Sayin'" on I Got an Award - Twice.

I also hate this.  The logical response should be WTFC?  Just saying. 


"RE: Unpacked boxes from seven years ago.  Put them on eBay.  Call them "Mystery Crates."  Someone will buy them.  Tell the Hubs he has to take them to the post office to ship them for you."  on I Got an Award - Twice.

Another genius solution to my problems.  I will be working on this over the weekend.  In the meantime, all you loyal readers can have first dibs on my fabulous "Mystery Crates."  Opening bid:  $1 with $50 in shipping.  (Those eBay sellers always screw you on the shipping so I wanted to be consistent.)




"I thought Courtney Cox named her daughter after Coco Chanel.  But then I Googled and see that you are right.  Face.  Palm."  on Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon.


My research skills are top notch - I read People and US magazines.




"I dress like a mid 1990s Eddie Bauer plus sized model right down to the sensible shoes.  Best line ever.  And describes me perfectly!!!:)" on Catch Up.


This is why we are soul mates and/or separated at birth.  Can I borrow a cardigan?




Anyone Else Falling Apart Or Is It Just Me?

So I'm pretty sure I'm going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep fro...