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Things I Could do Before I had Children

I had a make over last night with some of my girl friends.  We got our hair styled and we got our make up done and then we went out for dinner.  Whoohoo!!

Sitting in the chair at the salon, the hair stylist noted that my hair style is "cute."  She said, "Do you always wear it so.....flippy?"  Why yes I do, I thought flippy was in.  Is it not??  She said, "It's OK, we can tone it down a bit with the straightening iron."  She proceeded to straighten the shit out of my hair and make it smoke (literally).  When she was done, she said, "There.  Now you don't look so much like a mom!"

I moved over to the make up chair and this woman was not as diplomatic.  She said, "I'm going to have to do something about your brows."  Oh yeah, I need to get them waxed.  "Yes, you do.  Soon.  I'll do what I can.  In the meantime, let's draw attention to your eyes so the brows don't stand out so much."  I told her to break out a new bottle of concealer, because I was gonna need it.  She chuckled, but didn't argue with me.


As I sat there in the chair having all my wrinkled badges of motherhood covered up with flesh colored putty, I started making a mental list in my head of all the things I used to do before I had kids.  Things like secretly yearning for a minivan, waxing my eyebrows (and my bikini area), wearing more than one color of eye shadow and picking clothes without first checking the tag to make sure it was washable and preferably no ironing required.

Here's the list I came up with and I'm sure you can add to it:

1.  Go on a trip with nothing but an overnight bag.  Now I need a suitcase full of nothing but lovies, bedtime books, Shout wipes, wet wipes, anti-bacterial wipes (yes, I keep the wipes business going single handedly), coloring books, markers, games, snacks, First Aid kit, and extra batteries.  That doesn't even include the additional suitcase I need if we're going to stay somewhere with a pool or near the beach!


2.  Laugh without the fear of wetting my pants.

3.  Go to the bathroom alone.  I've started locking the door, but I think it's more annoying to have them pounding on the door while I'm trying to get my business done.  So I shout, "I'm pooping and it's gonna get real stinky here in a minute.  You'd better move along!"  It seems to work for now.

4.  Have sex on the kitchen floor.  Actually, I never did this before I had kids, because the floor just seemed so cold and hard.  But now I definitely can't do it because it's still cold and hard...and sticky and covered in crumbs.

5.  Sleep in.

6.  Decide at 10 PM at night to go get ice cream, go to the bar with the girls, go to Mexico, or anything spontaneous.  Even going grocery shopping at 10 PM has to be planned out.

7.  Spend $150 on my hair.  Maybe this is why I hate my hair now.  What do I expect when I go to Great Clips and I color my hair myself?

This is the last popular hairstyle I can remember.

8.  Spend $150 on anything for myself.

9.  Read.  I used to read all the time.  I still do, only now I read Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Pinkalicious.

10.  Spend an entire day on the couch watching rated "R" movies.

11.  Drive by McDonald's without thinking I wonder what the Happy Meal toy is right now.

12.  Wear heels.  I was never one to wear very high heels, but something happened after my children were born that I have absolutely no tolerance for anything higher than a flat.  I have a couple of wedge heels that I can manage for an hour or two.  I really don't even like tie shoes anymore either.  After I'm done tying the kids' shoes the last thing I want to do is tie another pair.  I seriously look for slip on shoes as often as possible.

13.  Swear.  A lot.  I still swear and my mother would say it's a lot, but now when I drop something on my toe instead of yelling, "Mother fucker!"  I have to say, "Mmmmmm....fuh......ohhhh...owie, owie, owie!!"


14.  Roll my eyes at the mom with dried egg in her hair, one leaking boob soaking through her filthy sweatshirt, wearing men's pajama bottoms and slippers limping behind an over flowing shopping cart full of processed food while towing three screaming kids under the age of 5.  Now I just give her the look that says, "Hang in there, sister.  Bedtime is coming and there's a bottle of wine with your name on it."

15.  Buy furniture and carpet that isn't stain treated.  I've bought two new couches since I've had children.  One is dark tan and one is brown.  What does that tell you?  The days of white couches are behind me.

16.  Walk around my house in bare feet without the fear of stepping on Legos, Barbie and/or Monster High doll shoes, Squinkies (they don't hurt, but they scare the crap out of me, because I think they're big squishy bugs), Mighty Beans, Go Go Crazy Bones, Hex Bugs, or Littlest Pet Shop figures.  Not to mention grapes, raisins, Cheerios, apple peels, or puddles of milk.  Interestingly enough I've never stepped on a Cheeto, apparently my kids hang on to those better or take the hit and eat it off the floor anyway.

17.  Invest solely in Sharpie markers.  Now if it doesn't say "washable" it doesn't come in the door.

18.  Read anything about dying children.

19.  Eat a hot meal.  By the time I'm done making sure the kids have what they need, cutting up their food into manageable pieces, blowing on anything that is too hot, arguing about why they must eat what's in front of them, and blowing again, because it's still too hot, my food is ice cold.

20.  Listen to music that isn't "Kids Bop."

21.  Talk to the Hubs about movies, current events or anything that doesn't relate to our kids.  Now we just say things like, "Did Gomer poop today?  He's been constipated lately." or "I need thirty bucks.  Adolpha's feet grew again."

22.  Never helped a child pee into an empty sippy cup because the fucking flight attendant didn't understand that a toddler cannot hold it for another half hour when the fasten seat belt sign will turn off, fucking cow!

23.  Shower without an audience.  I get in the shower now and I have two little faces peering at me the entire time questioning my actions and my body.  "Mommy, why does your 'china' (vagina) have a mustache on it?" or "Are you always supposed to wash your armpits, because sometimes I forget."

24.  Drive a two-seater.  Now we drive practical cars, because we're practical people.

25.  Throw parties for actual milestones, not potty parties or period parties (holy shit, they do exist!!).

26.  Never used my sleeve to wipe a child's runny nose.  Now I'm so immune to snot, I'll wipe a stranger's child's nose just out of habit.

27.  Hold a new baby without getting a little teary eyed and kind of wishing for another one (before the Hubs smacks me upside the head and reminds me that I think I'm sleep-deprived now).

28.  Never let a baby vomit on me so that my new carpet wouldn't take the hit.

(PS - before you start commenting that I don't love being a mom, that I don't appreciate the time I have with my kids, that it's "sad" I feel this way, blah, blah, blah.  That's not true, so fuck you very much for your opinion, but you can just stuff it and save your comment to yourself.)

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209 comments:

  1. Kids ruin lives.
    This is the running joke between my husband and me.


    29. Go to a restaurant that doesn't have a kids' menu.

    30. Have alone time.

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    Replies
    1. Ha, love it. My husband and I had said that very thing one night at a party and got ...crickets!

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    2. Yep - I told someone recently that sometimes I wish I had a dog, 'cause a dog only ruins your carpet, while a kid ruins your life. Got the same reaction as split3ways. People need to have a sense of humor...

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    3. I always say "the best part about kids is that they grow up".
      A lot of people don't get that one either.

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    4. Try "children are an STD" for reactions. Not laughter, but at least not crickets and blank stares.

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  2. Thanks for the laugh this morning. I have to comment on #3. When my kids were younger, I never shut the door when I went to the bathroom because I swear if the door was open, they'd leave me alone. It was when the door was shut, they must have thought there was a party going on or something and they'd come bug me. So hang in there, that part does get better as they get older. But then there is a whole new set of teenager things to deal with.

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    1. I do the exact same thing...LOL.

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    2. I have to leave the door open- between the 2 year old running around the house joyously coloring the walls of my new house with a permanent black Sharpie and the 7 & 9 year olds trying to kill each other or play lookout to steal ice cream bars from the freezer while I'm incapacitated to have a glorious sugar high until about 10 p.m.... I think I'll leave my dignity with the open door in exchange for not having a reason to kill my kids when I get out.... P.s.- sometimes it don't work as planned and I am waddling out of the toity with toilet paper stuck in my ass and my pants around my ankles to avoid the 2 year old from dunking my computer, Ipod, cell phone, ect. in the fish tank or because they threw someone or something down the stairs- then there's the ocassional " Mom, dad threw Jackie's backpack in the garbage!!" or " mommmmm.... The dogs got out the hole in the fence!!!!"

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    3. My kids are 6,4, and 3. There is no modesty in our house at all, mainly because my 3 year old broke the hinge on the door and my lazy husband hasn't fixed it yet. Which you would think he would since he would be the one to benefit from it being fixed. Nothing sends panic through the house if mommy can't be seen!

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  3. Replies
    1. Naps. I miss those. Those are better than sleeping in. They should have their own number. You are correct!

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    2. You can do one or both of these when your children turn into teenagers...they sleep late and they are fine with playing Wii /iPad/ iPod etc. for hours while you nap.

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    3. Taking a nap, without having to worry about getting up, and then worry what to make for dinner that everyone will eat.

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  4. I totally agree on eveyone! Add this one for me:
    Never lift up a kid (mine or someone else's) to sniff the butt to see if they need a new diaper.

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    1. The hunt for the phantom pooper is always a lively one with 8 toddlers!

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  5. I LOVE the preemptive strike against those with no sense of humor (or reality for that matter!). While we may love our children and wouldn't trade the wild ride for anything - it is still very much a wild ride and *nothing* like the lives of those without children!

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  6. OMG. How true. How about walk from the bathroom to the bedroom naked after a shower....my kids are 14 and 10 - if I forget my clothes in the bedroom, I have to scream for the Hubs to get my stuff for me.

    Or buying a bikini? Yeah, along with peeing everytime I laugh/cough/sneeze, for some reason my middle is 10 x the size it was prior to kids....one piece bathing suits WITH the hideous skirt thanks.

    Ugh. Thank you for sharing - at least I'm not the only one who thinks of these things.

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    1. Oh, Jamie I know what you mean! I miss just walking to the bedroom from the shower too! Not to mention sleeping naked! Someone always wakes you up because of a bad/dream/wet bed/sickies....

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    2. Ha! My husband kept asking why I never sleep naked anymore. He finally stopped when he realized how often our boys crawl into bed on my side of the bed.

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    3. RIGHT!!!! It's the little things that we all did and took for granted that we miss the most. Damn kids....love them, wouldn't trade them for anything (most days) but wow do I wish I could have just a few of those other moments back...

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  7. HAHAHA! My girls are older (21 & 12) but this is soooo relatable to how I felt a few years ago ~ thanks for the chuckle!!

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  8. Love it! (as usual)

    All those..."don't love being a mom" "don't appreciate the time" "it's 'sad' you feel that way" people are all a bunch of liars. They feel exactly the same way they're just not Moms enough to admit it.

    The shower part made me laugh because my 3 year old actually played quietly in his room the other day while I showered. I thought it would be awesome but it was 1,000,000 times worse than him banging on the shower door because I wondered what the heck he was tearing apart in the whole time and couldn't enjoy it anyway so I got out of there quick.

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  9. PERFECT TIMING! I sooo needed to a) see the humor in my life right now and b) know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I read this sitting here holding my 4 month old daughter and you could not be more correct. Thanks for being real!

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  10. I'm in there! I love being a mom, but holy crap!

    BTW: I always read that having white slipcovers on your couches is a good thing when you have kids, because they are "bleachable".

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  11. I love all five of my kids and wouldn't trade them...for much. But I'm with you. Some days I just want it to be about me.

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  12. When my husband and I are talking to each other or other adults and we are talking about things we did before kids we say BK, of course we have to explain it to the people without kids but ussually the ones that have them understand what it means. I think all people who plan on having kids should get a list from their friends with kids, of all the things they cannot do after kids. The people that really want kids will still go for it and accept the things they will miss, the people who are just doing it for the sake of having a kid will rethink it.

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  13. So many great comments. Where do I start...I'm pretty good with 'fuck you very much'!

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  14. "Fuck you very much" LOVE IT!!! As a stay at home mother to 4, I feel your pain and second it....I love my kids so much I usually cry at least once a day because they've done something so heart melting I just can't help it, or from knowing how blessed I am to want to pull my hair out from the incessant whining and fighting between the youngest 2 instead of being at a job that I HATE and missing my kids and realizing that other ppl get to see them and be there for almost all their "firsts" while I pay them to do this...so yay anyone with a dumb ass comment that starts with "how sad" or "you should be thankful" can keep it to themselves:-)

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  15. I SWEAR you are my long lost twin sister! I love your PS at the end. You know all those people who just LOVE their kids and LOVE being a mom all the time are full of shit, right? I had one of my neighbors tell me (in front of about 12 other neighbors) that my kids are going to need lots of therapy when they grow up because of the way I torture them and that kids are only kids for a short while and I should cherish every moment. I told her that my kids and I live in the real world and the real world sucks sometimes and it's tough and I'm teaching them to deal with whatever gets thrown their way. Life is not a party and it should not be looked at through rose colored glasses. Then I immediately de-friended her on Facebook (and she confronted me about it at my rummage sale and made herself look like an ass) and quit my neighborhood Bunco league. I don't have the time or desire to deal with people like that if I don't have to. And no, I wasn't sad when she moved back to Texas. Bah-bye. OK...thanks for letting me vent. Have a great day! :o)

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    1. You go girl! Hate that kinda crap. Her kids will probably be the ones in jail because no one taught them how to accept disappointment and/or stand on their own two feet. I have a neighbor like that, and she drives me absolutely nucking futs!

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  16. You rock, once again! My girls are 12 and I'd liked to say that most of what you said is behind us, but just the other day one barged into my bathroom with some problem she needed solved right then. After she ranted on I said, "Hello, I'm naked here, could this wait just a few minutes please!" It will never end, but humor with get us through it!

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  17. I agree 100%. That is why I invented OFFSPRING BREAK. (Yes look it up, I put it in Urban Dictionary!) We send the kids to the grandparents for a week. An entire week of blissful, selfish indulgence. Effing awesome. I highly recommend!

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    1. Me & my husband do the same thing! We call it a "real" vacation and we do it for 1 week every year. Sometimes we just stay home and be alone in our own house. It's FABULOUS and highly reccomended! We are fortunate enough to each have enough vacation time we've earned from our jobs to still take 2 weeks of family vacation also...but boy that 1 week with no kids is heaven!!!

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    2. You didn't invent that. My parents were doing this when I grew up in the sixties. We would say,"But I don't want to go to Grandma's for vacation." And Mom would say, "It's not your vacation. It's ours." And off we'd go.

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    3. Nooo.. I meant I the word "Offspring Break" not the idea of a vacation from kids..

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    4. sounds amazing. now if we just had some grandparents to ship them off to...
      yeah, i'm jealous.

      and i LOVE the list. :)

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  18. I cannot watch the news anymore, just scares the crap out of me! I love your posts!!!

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  19. I love reading this Diary of my life. I feel like you are watching me and my 6 kids, 3 under 3. Some how I just invisioned my 3 year old daughter vomiting on my 18 month old daughter, first they both cry then they started pulling hair. I just sprayed them with the kitchen sink sprayer like wild cats.

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    1. x'D Can NOT stop laughing!! This mental image is one for the ages. ;)

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  20. Thank you for a laugh until tears were rolling post, again! As for your ps, I think it's sad there are mom's out there that don't see the hilarity (is that a word) in motherhood.

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  21. Since I had kids, I can never:

    **Drink something with dinner that isn't kid friendly (at least, not without lying about it).

    **Get through the hours between 4 and 7 p.m. without having to deal with at least one meltdown (I admit, sometimes it's me who is doing the melting down)

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  22. Every single thing on this list is true. This one is my favorite:

    19. Eat a hot meal. By the time I'm done making sure the kids have what they need, cutting up their food into manageable pieces, blowing on anything that is too hot, arguing about why they must eat what's in front of them, and blowing again, because it's still too hot, my food is ice cold.

    My daughter will be 5 next month. I haven't eaten hot food in about 5 years next month.

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  23. I could also use sarcasm without promptly being told to "quit saying the opposite of what you mean" by my 7 y.o.

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  24. Love it! And my 4 kids! When I want to be alone in the bathroom, I just whip out a tampon and they scatter like mice! After I had my hysterectomy, I saved one tampon just for that very reason!

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    1. Lmao!! I'll have to remember that one!!

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  25. Keep the faith, there is ligh at the end of the tunnel. Being empty nesters my wife and I are now free to do all those things you say you can't do anymore. All except the sex on the kitchen floor. By the time you are an empty nester age has taken a certain toll on your body. If we were to get down on the kitchen floor, we'd have to call fire and rescue to come help us up.

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    1. Haha! That would be an experience the fire and rescue would love, I'm sure!

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    2. So agree! Empty nester also but still laugh like hell cause I remember those days!! There is a light at the end if the tunnel--just takes alot of wine to get there!

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  26. Awesome list! Hahahahaha, so true!

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  27. The story of our lives :)

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  28. I just about peed my pants reading this one! "Why does your china have a mustache on it?" Lmao! My son will be off in his own little world playing until I'm a. On the phone b. Going to the bathroom or c. Taking a shower. I do miss privacy, cute clothes and nice things...ahhh the joys of motherhood

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  29. Hahaha, love this!

    I'm a believer in pregnancy = flat feet. I used to be 5'8" with size 9 feet... post-kids, I'm now 5'7" with size 10s.

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  30. How about talking on the phone without hearing, "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom" in the background. Why is it that kids are silent UNTIL you pick up the phone and then suddenly, everything is an emergency? "MOM! You need to clip my toenails because I almost stabbed my teddy bear just now" (actually said by my 5 year old just the other day when I was on the phone with a client)

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    1. this quote belongs on the sh*t kids say post! i literally LOL'd!

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  31. You know what I miss from before I had kids? Not knowing that my friends would eventually become competitive helicopter parents who trumpet their offspring's every non-accomplishment.

    Ahhh, those were the days.

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  32. I came down with pneumonia a couple weeks ago and after peeing in everyone of my pairs of pants during the coughing fits I finally went and bought some Poise pads. This is my top most hated thing about motherhood.

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  33. OK I agree with all of the above what I can't get past is that period party. Are you fucking kidding me? "They dunked tampons in their tea"! Seriously I think I might be scarred.

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    1. I have 6 kids...4 of them ranging in age from 19 - 25 plus 3 year old twins, and I have NEVER heard of such thing. I, too, may be scarred.

      This list is right on, btw! (plus what others have added). What I wouldn't do to be able to buy clothes for myself or my dept. store make up. I used to dress fashionably (4 sizes smaller, I might add) and wear make up and do my hair. I used to LOVE wearing heals...ahhhhh memories :)
      Oh, and I hate being a mom so much so that I decided to have more when I had "one foot out the door" (that's what people said to me when they heard I was pregnant with my twins...and that I did it on purpose)LOL

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  34. As a person without kids (right now, I still want them even after reading this), I have to ask- how many of these things does your husband do too? I always have this image that moms have to give up the most while guys still get to go out and have fun with their buddies more often than the moms. Is that just a cynical view?

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    1. Not cynical at all .... and it's often times very true as unfortunate as it is to believe. Mom's typically do bear most of the burden of taking care of the kids. My advice .... put your foot down early and let them know what's expected of them. I'm currently trying to get my husband reacquainted with the idea of helping with housework, dinner and taking care of our little girl, she's 2. I worked from home for the first 2 years after her birth and he had the GOOD LIFE because I did everything while pulling down $70k a year.... but now I've been forced into a 8-5 office job and am having to divy up more of the responsibility all the while trying to maintain my sanity and have my own free time. Our rule - if he goes out with the guys one night during the week - then I typically try to plan a girls night or a pedicure or just some 'me time' sometime within that week or the next. Then you don't feel cheated.

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    2. Can't say you should "put your foot down" but I would say be honest about needing help. I find that I try to make it look like I can handle it, or want it done"my way" . The first time he sees you redoing something he did it will be hard to get him to participate again. Now as long as it gets done I am happy! And I agree, make sure you get out on your own every now and then as soon as you become parents, Daddy's are resilient, the house may be a wreck when you get back but they'll be fine!!

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    3. It's true to an extent, but it depends on the person you marry. Being a slave to your house and kids is not inevitable! I've always said the only thing I can do that my husband can't is put a boob in my kid's mouth. And that's pretty much how it is at my house. He does as much around the house as I do. He puts our toddler to bed, because he genuinely enjoys spending that time with him, while I put the baby to bed. He is also the cook b/c he enjoys it and is much better at it than I am.

      I wouldn't marry a man if you (or his mom) cook him dinner and he adjourns to the couch while you clean up. Behavior like that betrays an ingrained belief that someone should wait on him, imo.

      It seems like some men have kids b/c the wife wants them. Among my group of friends, there are several men who became husbands and fathers who were obviously not ready for the responsibility.

      Anyway, good luck! Having kids is a great experience and you'll do fine. Just don't put up with any nonsense from the person you choose to be their dad!

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    4. Have to agree with ChrisM...after 18 years of marriage what I've learned is guys will do what you allow them to do! If you are a control freak (read "me") who has to have everything a certain way...they WILL give up and "let" you have your way (not fun). However, if you have a true partnership & work together (now listen...you will have a little "crazy Mom" syndrome at first...everyone does)the guys will get to feel competent and you will get the opportunity to hang with your friends and feel like a person again and not just a "mom". It's a learning experience and one worth it time and time again.

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  35. You've managed to say exactly what's on my mind, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar! My grandma used to say "Do everything you WANT before you have kids, because when you've got kids, that's all you've got." Thank God my kids are enough, because that lady was right!

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  36. I will probably be cracking up all day about the "china with a mustache". lol

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  37. Yep, this list just about covers it perfectly!

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  38. This made my day. And I DID get a shower without an audience this morning so you know this one is extra special to me. Thanks, Jenn. I love your unapologetic views on life.

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  39. There are so many I agree with here -
    1. the snot on the face...I actually wore a scarf the other day and I felt something hard on it. Oh yeah, I thought. I couldn't find a kleenex for Avery!

    2. The sitting on the couch all day watching rated R movies - totally agree.

    3. Not being able to do anything spontaneous - I think about that all the time!

    4. Not spending money for yourself - I can't even remember the last time that I spent more than $10 on something for me.

    I would also add -

    Before I had kids, cereal or a sandwich was an acceptable dinner on my way out the door to meet friends, Now, I actually have to make REAL dinner.

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  40. blonde girl nope your right guys still get to do whatever they want thats why most of them have hobbies and arent around much .....unless your married to a guy with no friends

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  41. ^ reasons why I, at 22, am more commitment phobic than most guys my age.

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  42. You know, you can absolutely remark about how green the grass is on the other side of the fence without being desperate to hop over it ... so anyone criticizing you for this list can suck it.

    I especially appreciate your post because, being a divorced parent who shares custody of my kid with my ex, there are really times I struggle. But then I see your list and realize I DO get half of an adult-life-without-kids, like sleeping late, and swear, and spend a day watching R-rated movies, and showering without an audience, and well, have sex pretty much anywhere we want. Thanks for the silver lining today!!

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  43. 29. Nursing a hangover by coddling my lame, still-slightly-drunk ass with a healthy dose of greasy food and chick flicks. Nowadays, I have to power through the headache all in the name of "parenting".

    30. Reading an awesome book, cover to cover, in one sitting. Preferably on a rainy Sunday with a kitty in my lap. Sniff. I love being a parent, but I do miss a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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    1. Amen to these two also! They are exactly the ones I would add. We plan our drinking nights around the weekends with Grammye. :)

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  44. Having children starts a selfish desire and evolves into the most selfless way of life and thinking.

    #32 paint my own toes with a FRESH coat of polish, instead of painting over #4 layers.

    ;)

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    1. I would like to paint mine without having my daughter wiggling her toes next to me :)

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  45. Along with the laughing, I would also have to say sneeze without peeing my pants.

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  46. use the word toilet... now its all potty. I catch myself saying potty at work, and Im a nurse. not professional. yikes

    have a cup of coffee without fear of having something dipped in it, or floating in it upon return

    run to walmart without an extra pair of pants/underpants in my purse/pocket!!

    Never counted to three so often in my life. "you better be her before I count to three or else.... 1...2............. I'm almost at threee...... 3!"

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  47. How about....watch a nice porn movie without the fear of the kids waking up to go pee or get a drink??? ;) AND, I, like everyone else, think you are my HERO! :D

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  48. I want to be able to eat food that no one else has touched. "Oh can I try that?" Why yes, small sticky child, please put your goober hands all over my lunch. Thank you.

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    1. Still laughing at this one!!!

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    2. LMAO! So true! ;)

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    3. Phroggy1305:50

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! i almost peed!

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  49. I Love it!!! I don't have to worry about my kids so much anymore when I am in the bathroom, but now the dog and the cats either sit and stare, and dig at the door.

    Can I add... I didn't used to have to make return trips to Walmart. You get home and a kid (17 year old son and 15 year old daughter) DESPERATELY needs something...toothpaste, deoderant, markers... Didn't I ask you before I left????

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  50. Oh Dear Jesus number 16.... The only reason this one jumps out to me is because I recently added a scar to the bottom of my foot courtesy of a Hot Wheels helocopter puncturing my skin after stepping on it in the middle of the hallway the other night.

    Also, One of my personal favorites- Eating something and actually getting to finish it MYSELF. No matter how much my little monsters eat, they STILL want to eat what I have! "Gimme a bite. Gimme a bite. I want a bite momma." Even when it is the SAME THING they just REFUSED to eat off of their own plate!

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  51. Thanks for that :)

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  52. I can totally relate to almost this entire list. Although I only have 1 child, #3 is the same for me. She will stand there at the bathroom door and just stare with this smirky little grin on her face. I don't get it, but I just think it's really sad on my part that I have to ask to be left alone while using the toilet. And for #23, I laughed so hard at this one. Mine is close to the same. She has surprised me several times by peeking in and saying "good morning momma" without me realizing she is even there (which I'm not sure how she sneaks up on me because we have a crawl-space under the house so I can always hear her walking whether I'm in the shower or not- guess maybe my sense of hearing is not so well first thing in the mornings). Although, now my child is at the stage of being nosey about every little thing. Who was that one the phone, who texted you, what are we doing after church, what are we doing after we do that after church, what are we doing after dinner, what's for dinner, is anyone coming over this afternoon, why do we have to stop and get gas, do you have any more money (really??...from a 5 year old??), why do I have to take a bath, why do you get a larger piece of fish for dinner than I do, and so on and so on. I love being a mom, but I REALLY wish they came with a manual and a MUTE button.

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  53. Really, I don't know where to begin. I would LOVE to use the bathroom without carrying on a conversation. It happens so much, Im no longer embarassed...and neither are they. (I'm raising real gems here, I'm sure).

    I'd also like to add, TALKING on the phone like a normal human. Without saying things like, "Don't you see I'm on the phone!!!" "Why do you wait until now to talk to me?" I swear, my kids will be MIA for 3 hours (mother of the year), and then they pop in like snipers they second they hear me punch the buttons on my touch screen phone. "MOM, Morgyn touched me! Can I wear a tutu? Why do I have to brush my teeth?" (They have bat hearing).

    And my final suggestion, I would like to make it an entire workday without at least 2-3 people calling to ask me what's for supper, and then bitching about what's on the menu. One of these days I'm going to explode, tell them POOP actual POOP is for supper, get a hotel room and eat myself sick on room service.

    Preach it sister. I am a disciple.

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  54. I LOVE YOU, JEN! *There... I've professed my love on Twitter, Facebook and here. =)

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  55. I really don't know where to start, but everything you said is one hundred percent true. I love my kids too, as much as any parent can, but seriously, they make me want to kill them sometimes...and I mean like thinking, "If I just kill everyone and myself, it will be better for everyone, because I'm such a horrible parent, I'm no doubt raising a trio of serial killers," but...this is important to all of those Super Mommies out there whose kids don't ever smell funky, and whose houses are perfect little bastions of the American Dream...I DON'T DO IT...I take a deep breath, grab a drink of water(sometimes a quick shot of whiskey, JUST ONE), and get back to the job of parenting that I'm still sure I'm failing at.
    Oh yeah, and I love you, and we are twins and soulmates or whatever the newest thing to compliment you is. ;-)

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  56. Nice one Jenn! My fave saying from when my kids were little: "Mommy drinks because you cry." xoxo HK

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    Replies
    1. This made me guffaw! I'm totally stealing this.

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    2. LOL! I love this!

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  57. Yahoo Jen!!! Your preemptive strike apparently worked as not one Smug-ass, sense-of-humor-less Negative Nancy admonishing you for being an 'ungrateful' mother. Keep it up and eventually your followers will be limited to just those of us who get PITT and want to PITT every waking minute of our days. I had my 3 kids in 4 1/2 years and I'm not afraid to admit my life mostly sucked for more than a decade. I distinctly remember cavalierly dismissing the cautions of my friends with 'older' children who labeled the toddler years as the 'easy phase'....they obviously didn't go through what I WAS going through. I mean we all know there's a continuum of activity level of kids, and well, mine were off the fucking chart of the extreme end. I remember gates. Many gates. In every room and every feasible opening or entryway...like 57 in all. In some cases, gates on top of gates as the terrible tandem figured out how to cooperate and scale just one. Then I would visit that PattyPerfecto friend that everyone has, and I am incredulous to see a Fish Bowl in her Toddlers bedroom, yes a Fucking FISH BOWL on the NIGHTSTAND at Toddler eye level. In my house, that shit would've been a science experiment with dissected parts so fast that poor Goldie would've never known what hit him. I just started a blog and think i could literally fill a whole years worth of daily stories, that is if I try really hard to recollect. I think some were so traumatizing that they've been appropriately repressed to keep my PTSD in check. One time the fuckers legit caught the living room couch on fire (a blog unto itself). Last year I endured 12 months of 4 teenagers under one roof---because obviously having three of my OWN wasn't enough, i decided to take in a wayward 18 year old girl to add to the fun. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but my friends a decade ago were right...the teenage years SUCK worse. Instead of tantrums, and whining and potty training, you are now dealing with condoms, vodka bottles and police summons. I threatened to document the travails, but was frankly too busy putting out fires, making court appearances, and buying cell phones (not even joking that all 4 managed to destroy, lose, or run over in one 48 hr weekend..) But, 2 of them thank God are now off to college, leaving me with an abundance of free time, comparatively, and perhaps I can now document all retroactively. LOVE LOVE LOVE your sense of humor and writings. Keep making us laugh!

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    1. Phroggy1306:09

      i remember the gates! i'm so glad to know that i'm not the only one that had to double up on them. And my sister is the "PattyPerfecto" in my life. During the baby/toddler years i kept telling myself that it had to get better. Then i got them both in school and it did get a little easier, sorta, kinda... Although i could just be telling myself that to try to keep my PTSD in check! Now i have the teen years starting in T-Minus 4 months, and i'm scared shitless. Wish me luck!
      i would LOVE to read your blog and i'm looking forward to the day i might finally have the time to start my own! My monsters are 12 1/2 & 9 1/2 (yes the 1/2's still matter) so i've only gotta wait about... Oooh, 9 years...
      i think i might cry now. :~{

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  58. Here are a few others I think you might agree with: 1. eat a sandwich that doesn't use an end piece of bread! I don't have a sandwich that often, but when we have just end pieces left I use them to make a sandwich so I can throw out the bag. 2. Not have to share all the time, specially when it comes to food. Sometimes it is just my brownie and I want it all! 3. Break the rules! I make rules for my kids and it is like it's law. Mommy we aren't suppose to go in Dada's office when he's gone, you should get out of there before you get in trouble...

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  59. #23... I laughed, hard. I have 16 month old B/G twins so I understand EVERYTHING you wrote, its all happening to me!! my hubs parents used to own a family restaurant and I waited tables when we were first married. I HATED it when a family with small children came in and left me this HUGE mess (especially in the floor where the kids threw all their food) and hardly any tip. Now, we have become the people we so despised years back, but I tip well.
    Oh and the other day I stepped on one of those little wooden letter blocks... yea that hurt like a bitch.

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  60. I will let my kids throw up on me if I means I won't have to change their sheets in the middle night!

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  61. Great list! Being a mom is very rewarding but there are those moments. #3 describes our house to a T. I don't think I've had an alone moment in the bathroom for 11 years.
    I would add 1)go home after work and relax after a hard day.

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  62. I nearly peed myself reading this!!! AWESOME!!! I realized I'm becoming a poop checker, asking my 3yr old if he pooped today, or making a mental note of how many gross poop cloth diapers I've hosed off in an 8hr period... my life revolves around shit!! And I LOVE IT!!! :)

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  63. Hilarious...because it's all so sadly true! Thanks for the reality laugh!

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  64. I've been a stalker lurker and that's just not fair to you! You take the time to make me laugh hysterically, I have to take the couple of minutes to tell you! Your writing is terrific and there are plenty of people I'd like to punch in the throat! Blog title? FABULOUS.

    Keep punching....

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  65. Great work, keep it up!!! And love the part about telling the haters to piss off!

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  66. Have a phone conversation. My kids never need anything until I am on the phone! The second the phone rings all kids are instantly fighting/starving/sick/bored/injured/
    etc!

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    1. Oh definitely....they could have ignored me for hours, but the second I want to have a private phone call, they need my attention that second!

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    2. So very true!

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    3. my daughter will literally sit next to me silently for hours and the moment i get on the phone it's "you won't believe what so&so said at school today. can you help me with my homework? i'm hungry can you make me a sandwich?" seriously? were you not here 5 minutes ago? did these ideas not exist in your adorable little head then? lol

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  67. Forgive me if someone else already mentioned this BUT before I had kids I used to be uncomfortable going to the OB-Gyn but now the whole world watched two kids come out down there and stitched the pieces back together so what's the big deal?

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  68. Isn't it sad that you knew ahead of time there would be haters? Geez! I love your blog - you keep it real and you say all the things that most of us think in our own heads and just never have the courage to say out loud!
    This is a great list and feeling even one of these things doesn't make you (or me) a lesser mom - it just means we remember the days before. I love my kids, but every once in a while......oh man!
    As my grandma used to say, "You wouldn't take a million bucks for them, but some days you'd give them away!"

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  69. HMMM Fit into a size 8 pair of jeans, or size 10, or 12, or 14.

    Oh and watch Porn. I miss porn

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  70. + Finish a drink or a sandwich that is on my plate... instead of having to pull the kiddie plate over to me after they decide what I have is better... even though it's the exact same thing...

    + Listening to music that I like on the radio

    + Not answering the same question 50 times a day...

    Seriously, I love my kids, I even love being a mom, but anyone who thinks you have to cherish everything about it must be taking some serious meds. (Give me some of what you're taking pleas?) It changes your whole life and some of those changes aren't so awesome. Doesn't mean it isn't worth it though.

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  71. I almost wet myself laughing at this.

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  72. A few more:
    1. Go out to eat without hearing, "I'm hungry, when will our food be here." 5 minutes after placing our order. In which I reply, "This is not McDonalds. It may take a little while."
    2. Didn't need to have Judge Judy like tendencies to determine who's at fault every time my dear children go at it.

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  73. Anything spontaneous is at the top of my list as well... now it's all about planning and logistics, like UPS without the brown outfits. Thinking about it though, brown doesn't show stains so perhaps moms should adopt a similar uniform.

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  74. That was hilarious! I just have one toddler, and I can still relate. Loved it.

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  75. Exactly. Being a mom is the best thing in the world, but there are things I never thought I would do- especially the letting a kid puke on you- TWICE. It was easier to clean me than the rest of the house. :)

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  76. This is exactly my life. Before having my son, I didn't have to think before going out for the evening... I could sit in a bath, instead of rush through the shower... I could be messy, and frivolous and selfish.

    That said, like you, I still love my life now. :)

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  77. I have to promise myself not to read the comments anymore. All the comments about the teen years being so difficult are leaving me with absolutely NO HOPE that this gets better lol. I adore my son, I appreciate that he's extremely intelligent, and has better debating and logical reasoning skills than most adults I know. I think he's adorable, and he's very charming. That said, there are many days where I just want to lock myself in a soundproofed room and hide. The temper tantrums, pre-teen style, the attitude, the strong willed nature (read: argumentative and inflexible), the endless MESS and gross 'boy' humor are wearing me out. I keep telling myself it will get better. People have told me so! I'm beginning to think they lied.

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  78. I'd just like to have more than five seconds to think of an answer to a question before being asked five more times. My mind doesnt work as fast as it used to!

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  79. I actually treated myself to a cute cut about 9 months ago, but then to keep it up, I tried cutting it myself,worked a couple of times, but the last time I got a bit out of control, then had to have my husband assist when I screwed it up. I cried, and he didn't understand why I didn't just go to a professional. I wanted to make him a long list of why, Starting with No time, not in budget, and No time.My Friend wound up fixing it for me, and she was just as appalled. Ahhh, and Naps, God I miss naps. I was Queen of naps in High School. School, Nap, then go to job at Dairy Queen , then go out with friends. The life!

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  80. I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!! no really.....I laugh my ass off every time I read an entry....stay strong and true, sista...and I have no doubt you love your kids to the moon and back. You are REAL!!! Those who don't get it are living on another planet.

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  81. I would add constantly using the word "no" or "stop that"...that is, unless you have an asshat of a husband.

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  82. Oh my I think you have spent the day on the wall in my house this sounds just like me!!! I love my girls but I swear I think I am going to throw a Mommy's only small toy party where all the mommys get together and throw all the Legos and squinkies and little pet shop toys or what ever small toy that has magically appeared on the floor after dark even when you've cleaned it in the Bon fire and party past 7 because we don't have to worry about getting the kids in be at a decent time so the will be tolerable in the morning

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  83. Oh man, this was hysterical! I'd add to my list:
    - Stay awake after 10, because now I'm so damn exhausted, I'm passed out on the couch before 9.

    There's so much more that I can't think of right now, it's getting close to my bed time...

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  84. I keep bursting into the giggles over the mustache China comment. I mean like serious cant stop laughing, crying giggles. Things I did before children, had a full cup of hot coffee.

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  85. #11. I secretly thought I was the only person who does that, and wondered what was wrong with me. I also wholeheartedly love #17 too :)

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  86. lol so true - ALL of it!!... in fact having remarried I would say the 3 yr birth control is saving my marriage! lol

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  87. I LOVE IT!! My baby is 8 months old, and our current shower situation usually involves me trying to wash my hair with the shower door open, because if he can't see me he FREAKS OUT and screams. I miss hot, draft-less showers! And eating a meal at the same time as everyone else instead of 30 minutes later!

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  88. I would add that before I had kids I didN't truly know what it meant for "the shit to hit the fan". Not only did my daughter when she was 2 throw her poopy diaper at the ceiling fan(which was on) she also secretly pulled the heating vent cover off and pooped down the vent. Unfortunately for us, we searched for that mysterious smell for days until the furnace turned on and the hubby found it.

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  89. Okay, so the other morning my husband and I had a little extra time before the kids got up for school so we started fooling around. It was dark and quiet in our room, the fan was making just enough noise in the hallway to keep the kids sleeping and our door was shut. my husband and I were actually having sex when he said..."Jacob...?" And out of the corner of my eye I saw the silluette (sp?) of our 8 year old sit upright on the floor. He had come into our room in the middle of the night because of a bad dream. I quicky covered myself with what was available - 2 pillows - and told him he needed to leave and he quickly complied. I went into his room after getting dressed and told him that if hes going to come in our room, he needs to tell one of us that he's there. I went back in our room and my husband asked me if I called him a cock-blocker!! Not so much. :-/

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  90. Wow, you need a planned monthly or even bi-monthly "date night" with your signifigent other, desperately!! lol

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  91. Sometimes I think "Maybe we're ready for kids." Then I read this, on my iPad I bought for myself, and think "We can wait a little longer!" Thanks for my birth control for the day! Love your blog!

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  92. My youngest recalls once when I hurt myself and then frantically told her, "Get away fast! Mommy's going to swear!" That was in the earlier days of motherhood, when it was still horrifying to think of swearing in front of the kids. Fast forward a few years and that little one is spelling out "ASS" on the Scrabble board. Times change.

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  93. I miss the days when I was not responsible for someone else's entertainment. "Mom....I'm bored. There's nothing to do!" My girls are always wanting to have sleepovers, and I'm the meanie who limits them to one every couple of months. Sometimes I just want to sit in my PJ's (or even just a t-shirt and underwear) and catch up on all the shows I've DVR'd, not feed/entertain someone else's kids besides my own.

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    Replies
    1. AMEN!!!! I hear you! However, Why is it that I'm the mom who ALWAYS gives in and next thing I know I have 6 SCREAMING girls sitting on my sofa and I'm in the basement with the rest of my family? Because..I want to know where my kids are, who they are bonding with & what they are getting into....so..I'll take loud & sleepless any night over wondering where my kids are & I bet you'd do the same.

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  94. I have no children, and this list and comments have scared the living piss out of me enough to keep putting it off...

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  95. LMAO Thanks for the laugh! All of those were true except for the high heels and wiping snot. I can't handle body functions, even from my own kids (and I have 3..lol) I just found your blog so I'm not sure if you have boys or girls or both, but let me tell you...the nastiness gets worse. I have a teenage boy, a pre-teen boy and an almost 9 year old girl. The teenage boy is DISGUSTING, the pre-teen boy is borderline heading down the path on his brother's footsteps. I so badly miss the toddler days. I could handle that nastiness over teenage nastiness any day!

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  96. Although I wear heels more now than I did BK (different job) and still spend way too much on my hair I still loved your list. I had to call in sick once, not because I was really that sick, but because I peed my pants twice due to coughing.

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  97. I miss being able to be freely, irresponsible, being able to completely let loose! Being even a little hungover, with 3 kids is not even worth it.

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    1. This was actually in response to LizzyBeth52

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  98. Our kids keep us firmly married... If either wants to leave they gotta take the 11 and 8 yr old boys but leave the warm sweet dog!!

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  99. LMAO!!!!! Can I still use Acronyms? Never, never give up high heels!!!! That and "Happy Hour" & NO, I'm not talking about the bar hour....are the few things that keep us sane. THOSE & a great highlight are indispensable if we are expected to raise semi-wild animals with manners, keep a semi-clean house & cook "semi-homemade" meals with Semi-Pleasant smiles on our faces! I miss "HAPPY HOUR!"

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  100. ROFL!!! I think you echoed at least 30 thoughts I have each day....!

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  101. The fact that your life has rearranged just shows how much you love those kiddos. Thanks for the laugh. I agree 100%. By the way, mine are 10 and 12 years old, and I still leave the bathroom door open so they won't bother me. The only person it seems to bother is my husband, but being the only male in the house...his opinion doesn't matter.

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  102. Thank you for ensuring that I will never, EVER have children.

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  103. Moms will understand...people who associate with Moms will understand...people who are single and have no desire for children will be reaffirmed in their choice. Bravo!

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  104. How about getting all the housework done in half a day? I used to be able to accomplish that. Now, with two girls ages 9 and 6, who think it's okay to have wardrobe changes every hour, it seems I am forever chained to the laundry equipment. Damn that Miley Cyrus, who had to change outfits after every song! My girls see nothing wrong with changing clothes for each activity.

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  105. Jen, I think you certainly are a good mom and those who don't agree probably have a nanny. I would add one thing to your list -- never again doing laundry without thoroughly checking every pocket for crayons, stashed candy or gum, or something hard that will beat around in the dryer like airsoft gun pellets or coins. Thanks for making me laugh!

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  106. This is AWESOME!!!! I feel the exact way... So much so you got me in tears... Lol... Good tears... But people don't realize how impossible most days feel... It's crazy how much things change... But I wouldn't change it for a minute... Except maybe a few million to help ease the pain... Lmao...

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  107. Period parties??????? Holy Shit is right!

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  108. I have flippy hair too. I actually hardly ever make it to the flippy stage as its in a pontytail 24/7.

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  109. LOL! I love you, Jen.

    Sincerely,

    Another Jen

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  110. I would add that before I had kids I never used to worry about what my house smelled like (because it never smelled bad, because I didn't have kids). Now, in between games of "find out where that smell is coming from" and "how do we get rid of that smell?" I find myself in a constant state of panic that my house somehow smells bad and I just don't notice it because I live here and I've gotten used to it. Sometimes I'll go outside for half and hour and then come back inside just to see if I notice anything stinky after cleansing my palate, so to speak. As to all the other things on the list, I can relate to all of them. Maybe once the boys are out of the house I can go back to doing some of those things again, but then again, who am I kidding? I'll be too tired and still trying to figure out where that smell is coming from. (Probably my husband.)

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  111. Honey, it's SO obvious you love your crazy little family in the same way I do. It's also obvious you've realized the true horror of motherhood--our abdominal muscles and our lives will never be the same. Cleverest girl!

    Wait...I just had a baby daughter. Period parties? We have to do THAT now? Damnit.

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  112. #18 I can't do that either. I've had The Shack in my nightstand for 2 years and can't get past Chapter 1.

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  113. It's like you are in my head! I love this and it is SO true! I'm almost 40 and my son is 2 1/2...boy it's gonna be a long 18 years!

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  114. I just want you to know that you have given me renewed hope in starting my own blog (either to be called "pregnancy sucks" or "for the birds") where I plan to rant about annoying, trivial things (as well as why pregnancy sucks - I'm in week 10 of my second right now and I HATE IT) and I know people will think I'm some crappy mom who hates my kids, my house, my job, etc. But I don't at all - they are my world - I simply see the humor in the shit that happens each day and feel that other people may relate sometimes. Just like I always relate with you. Thanks for being punchy and honest - I love it.

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  115. Read your blog and cannot stop laughing! I agree with every point! Nice to know it's not just me. I'd like to add that pre-child I would have thrown up if a child vomited on me. Now I just cringe and run both of our vomit covered selves to the bath while soothing my screaming child.

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  116. I have tears running down my face with laughter!! AWESOME job you nailed it!

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  117. (Someone probably already said this, so sorry if it's a repeat.) I miss being able to go to wal-mart on the spur of the moment because we needed groceries, instead of planning the "event" for a full two hours before I finally get everyone loaded into the car and out the driveway!
    I also never had to open a spoiled-milk sippy cup and think, "hmm...wonder if I can pour some clorox in here and shake it up to get the smell out, since these cups are like $5 apiece..."

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  118. I've never laughed so hard at one of your posts! I love the "fuck you very much" and the "china mustache". At our house it's "Why does your woo-woo wear a jacket?"

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  119. Never helped a child pee into an empty sippy cup

    I had to laugh at this because I am always the person begging the flight attendant to let me get up and pee. I have a bladder the size of a walnut.

    I was stuck on a bus in Mexico once and had to pee so bad that I would have peed into a sippie cup if I had had one. The story is here.

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  120. The lack of bathroom privacy is maybe the worst. I am ashamed to say I have actually used the bathroom with a kid on my lap. I know, pathetic.

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    1. Anonymous11:36

      I've done the same thing. Sometimes there isn't much of a choice!

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  121. Funny how these seem so normal to me (I too miss ALL of these things, except high heels, I never wore those uncomfortable things!), but to read the comments - this list is actually keeping some people from having kids. LOL, their loss I guess, but I guess if these things deter you, you shouldn't have kids anyways.

    I pee when I laugh, cough, sneeze, exercise. I am a 37 year old that buys pee pads. Oh well. I heart my kids anyways. :) Keep on making us laugh Jenn!
    Devan

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  122. 32. Have a conversation on the phone without a "mom...". Mind you that you had been completely idle for the sixteen hours prior to this 6 minute call.

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  123. FUNNIEST thing I have EVER read! And sooooooooooo true!! Great job putting it all together!

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  124. Love and in the past have experienced all of these! Number 2 is especially true and frustrating. I now have a 9 and 14 year old. Some of the items on your list do improve. Bonus......built in babysitter for us. However, a lot get added that aren't so nice. I won't torment you with the future. In the words of my 14 year old, "that would be stupid."...cause when you are 14, EVERYTHING IS STUPID!

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  125. I laughed through this whole thing because I could relate to everything on your list. My children are getting older now, and the tables are turning. Now I know the true reward of parenting...tormenting and embarrassing your children. Your time is coming. Hang in there!

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  126. Love the cheeto comment! I wouldnt leave a cheeto on the floor either. Love them!

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  127. yes! and as I sit on the toilet reading this my daughter shouts from outside, "MOM are you done YET? I don't hear any ploppers"

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  128. And now, because I have kids, I just peed my pants because I can't ever hold it when I'm laughing so hard! Totally worth it!

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  129. I would like to run out to the store, ALONE. Hell, I would like to run out anywhere.

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  130. I could put on jeans and not have to tuck my stomachs in them before I zipped!

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  131. OMG...I peed my pants I was laughing so hard. Thanks for that and I agree with all of it. I love my son but jeez...sometimes, I just want some alone time.

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  132. Best blog post ever! And you had me at people I want to punch in the throat!

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  133. A woman after my own heart! I have to hide behind an open cupboard to eat or my spawn will want whatever it is.

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  134. What about wearing a bikini??? It doesn't matter how much of this "baby weight" (ahem), I get off, thanks to stretch marks, saggy skin, etc, I will never, ever, wear a bikini again.

    Oh, and I used to not wear bras on the weekend. Now I practically shower in one.

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  135. Oh #22... I have been there. Except I didn't have my kid pee in a sippy cup. I stood up, pushed (yes, I actually pushed her, but this was before 2001 when you could get away with that) the flight attendant out of my way and told her unless she wanted clean my daughter's piss out of the seat I was taking her to the restroom. She simply stood there dazed and confused while my two year old and I staggered our way to the tiny closet of a restroom.

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  136. You always hit the nail on the head! OMG, no more spontaneity- for ANYthing, "poopie," "pee" and "toots" are now popular throw-around words and for fun we open our mouth to show what the chomped up food inside it looks like! How did this become my life?! All but #12 are so fitting--I REFUSE to give up my heels! Take everything else! I even tried to the cute haircut, but, low and behold, out come the rubberbands! Ponytails are just so much easier, I guess. Gosh, what it must be like to be Victoria Beckham...
    The flight attendant thing scares the crap out of me!Along with taking 18 times longer to get through security, I don't like to fly anymore--I'd rather drive. Even if it's 24 hours.
    And don't do restaurants as much anymore either. Because some people just don't get it. Like the Old Fart at a Bennigan's I took my son to after a funeral, because I just didn't feel like cooking. My then-three-year-old was fussing and crying, which prompted this old, crabby man to get up and come over to my table, and, rather than offer help or some useful advice, he actually said to me, "Why would you bring a child like that to a place like this?" As if we were amidst the Hell's Angel's at Sturgis or something...the last I checked, Bennigan's was a FAMILY restaurant?! Since he felt the need to shed his insight on me, you can bet I went over to him after we got the check to let his croonies and him know that we were leaving, apologizing for inconveniencing them. As they were all saying, "oh thank you, thank you..." I also added, "And thank YOU for adding a NICE ending to my day after attending a funeral!" as I spun around, on my heels, and strutted out, head held high. A-holes.

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  137. Ha--I avoided the horror that is Kids Bop! My son cut his teeth on good ole Classic Rock (He would fall asleep listening to The Scorpions for his lullaby when he was a baby--no joke. It soothed him.) Now he's 21 and the other day was pondering the fact that all the music he likes is "the old stuff" because none of the new music has any heart.
    I am frightened by the fact that Period Parties exist. I'm now on the exit end of my period (thank the Holy!) I started my period when I was twelve and my father (rest in peace) bought me a bouquet of flowers, kissed me on the cheek, and congratulated me on becoming a woman. I felt awkward (and sick because of cramps) and Dad felt awkward too, but bless him for trying. (Now I have tears in my eyes.)
    My brother was jealous that I'd gotten a present and my father took him aside and explained it to him as best he could. I wanted to tell my brother that he did not want this "gift." I've hated Aunt Flo from our first meeting and am not sorry the old bitch is terminal!

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    1. I am with you on this - our son has two favorite songs: 1.) The Ride - David Allen Coe and 2.) The "Fiddle" Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels - we're both musicians and I have zero tolerance for the kids bop; thank you for making me feel less selfish about the fact that when it comes to music, I make no compromises, lol, well, not yet ;)And as far as the period parties, ugh, just UGH! Just UGH! How ridiculous!

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  138. My best friend told me that once when she was little, she heard her mom crinkling some paper in the bathroom and hollered, "Do you have candy in there?" It was a tampon.

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  139. I would LOVE to laugh and not pee. Or be able to play sports, or exercise, or sneeze...I swear I am keeping the makers of Kotex in business.

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  140. My kids are the same way with Cheeto's! Our friends come over to play games once a week or so and they think it is hilarious to bring cheeto's they call it kiddie crack, lol.

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  141. #21 resonates with me. Motherhood made me so neurotic I've been tracking my kid's poops for 6 years and counting!

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  142. Boobs! You forgot boobs! Totally miss them.

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  143. My daughter is 12 now & not so much into the shower stalking as she was as a toddler, so it gets better. However, as a very curious 3 year old who actually had to get in the shower with me most days, she made a couple of everlasting memories for me... On the first occasion I was about 30 seconds into washing my hair, right about the time the shampoo starts to run down your head into your eyes and you have to scrunch them so it won't burn, & I feel two precious little hands on my belly. Then as she pushed the fat roll up quite forcefully, she exclaimed with absolute horror, "Oh No Mama!! You have a whole 'nother body under here!". That one really inspired me to lay off the oreo's & movie theater butter microwave popcorn! Sometime later, again she was suds'n up with mom, only this time I was sitting on the seat in the shower washing her hair. She was talking non-stop & I was focused on the task at hand, all of a sudden she stops mid-word & grabs my nipple's (yes both) & tells me in a her sweetest little voice, "Did you know your nips looked like sausages?". My response, "Link or patty Sweetheart?". So we do have to develop a thick skin when we enter motherhood because our children, at least mine, find it necessary to be brutally honest! That part hasn't changed! Just recently after watching my failed attempt to master my Zumba fitness practice session, she gets off the couch & as she walks outta the room tells me, "hey mom, please tell me your never gonna do that in public...". Thanks for the reality check kid! Keep the punches coming & feel free to swear, spit, criticize, bitch, complain or whatever else you need to do, I love your work & totally relate & appreciate! By the way, we decided that when I'm cold they are link, the rest of the time patty.

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  144. Number 23 (china?!) has me now struggling with the problem outlined in number 2. Good on you for at least trying to teach them the right word. As a doctor's wife. I feel slightly ashamed that we're still calling their bits and bobs the 'hoo-hoo' and 'willy-wonka'.

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  145. Before I had kids, I never ever ever had to explain that no, women don't pee out of their butts just because they don't have penises.

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  146. Know and have memorized the theme song or any of the story line for any of these shows: my little pony, any PBS show, X-Men, H2O... or any Disney channel show...

    OH MY GOSH I totally agree. I love my kids but UGH. lol Laugh without wetting yourself.

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  147. Jen, I'm here to tell you there's HOPE! Mine are 21 and in college. We had an entire YEAR where they were gone and we did all sorts of things we used to do before children. Movies on a whim, slept in, candlelit dinners, loud sex in any room but the bedroom, peeing alone, showering alone (or together) . . . .etc. . . . alas, they've both moved back for the summer and I feel like my home is a frat house again. But soon . . .soon, they will be gone again. Keep the faith!!

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    1. My children are the same age as yours, and I feel the same way....I can hardly wait until the dorms open again!

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  148. I love your blog but I have to ask, are your kids names really Gomer and Adolpha??

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  149. LMAO! Hit the nail on the head with this list! Hot meal? Shoot...I'd like to eat a whole meal myself...when I do finally get to eat it takes like 30-45 minutes to finish a plate LOL...I usually eat a bit while cooking..esp on days when I'm starving! I have 2 children under 2..23 & 8 months, so I can't remember what it's like to have "alone" time with my hubby where we aren't rushed worrying about the fact that at any moment we'll hear one of the kids on the monitor. It would also be nice to not walk around like a "Mombie" every day...I've actually gone to work forgetting to brush my hair...YIKES!

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  150. Totally laughing out loud. And I can totally relate to every single point. I actually asked the hubs yesterday whose idea it was to have kids. This was after an hour or so of the two offspring bickering, tattling, and just going at each other constantly.

    Sarah Patton......love the "mombie" reference! That's awesome!

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  151. Afternoon delight. I know you said kitchen floor sex but I feel this is a different category. :)

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  152. Bwahahahaha! I am telling you that I have given up on showering or using a toilet alone. Even though I have teenagers, it seems most of our conversations occur through the door while I am taking care of business! So stinking funny!

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  153. I couldn't read all five-thousand comments, so if I'm repetitive... I don't care. :)

    I remember the days before kids when we went to a movie that wasn't animated or contained singing/talking animals.

    Also, I remember when I'd hum a song to myself, it was something like AC DC or Ozzy... and now it's Veggie Tales or Dora...

    I swear I can sing the theme song to any show on Disney Junior.

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  154. Yes! Yes! Yes! #4 made me laugh. I'm so with you. Wouldn't have done it before, but now that it's definitely not an option makes me wish maybe I had been a little more wild and crazy before the floors were coated in apple juice!

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