New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's 2012 and if the Mayans are right, why the fuck am I even making a list of resolutions?

I should just max out the credit cards, stop paying the mortgage, forget the laundry, pull the kids out of school and just go where the wind takes us and wait for The End.

The problem is, I'm a scaredy cat.  I'm pretty sure (well, 99% sure) that the Mayans are wrong.  I think they just decided to call their calendar quits at 2012, because the guy writing it got a hand cramp.  I don't really believe the world will end and I know it certainly won't end if I max out the credit cards, stop paying the mortgage, etc.  I'm afraid I'll ring in 2013 wearing dirty rags for clothes, in debt up to my eyeballs, living in a tent somewhere in the Australian bush with my illiterate children (the Hubs couldn't last a night in a tent, so I'm sure he left us back when we lost the house).

So, I'd better make my list of resolutions that will be forgotten by Friday.

1.  Lose weight.  I just read in an article about how to keep your resolutions, that you're not supposed to say something broad like this.  You're supposed to set small goals you can actually accomplish.  So I'll say:  Lose 5 lbs by the end of January.  That shouldn't be so hard, it only took me 3 days to gain 10 lbs.

2.  Be kinder to the Hubs.  Too broad again.  How about:  Try to say "Yes" more often, when all I want to do is read a book.  I know someone who says "Yes" all weekend just so she can say "No" all week and read.  Maybe I could try that.  That sounds easier.

3.  Clean the house for 5 minutes each day.  No sense being broad on that one.

4.  Make enough money to have a cleaning lady come every week so I can cut back my cleaning to 2 minutes each day.

(Now, I'm getting the hang of this!)

5.  Be a better mother.  Nope, not going to be able to keep that one either.  How about: Give one more hug and kiss each night when the kids ask for it, even though I know they're stalling; laugh at Gomer's made up jokes when he tells them to me for the 40th time in 30 minutes; let Adolpha wear her hair in 3 braids to school, because she thinks she looks badass even though I think she looks ridiculous - but NOT on picture day and tell them as often as I can how much I love them.

6.  Write a book.  I'm going to need to write every day.  If I do this, something is going to have to give.  I could give up housework.  I'd better give up cooking too.

7.  Fold laundry as soon as it is done drying.  Ugh.  That just sounds horrible.  It's so much better to have a huge pile of clean laundry to dig through for underwear.  No, no, no!  I've got to do this.  Damn!  The bell on the dryer just went off.  Good thing I decided I'm not starting my resolutions until tomorrow.

8.  Call my friends.  I can be a really crappy friend.  I have some friends I haven't spoken to in a long time.  I need to call them - at least once this year.  That should be plenty.  I'm not sure what we'd talk about if I called twice.

9.  Don't do drugs - recreational or pharmaceutical.  This was on a top 10 Resolutions list.  It seemed easy enough since I never take drugs.  (Remember?  "Proudly unmedicated with the mood swings to prove it.")  I wanted at least one resolution I could actually keep all year.

10.  Learn something new.  This was in the article I read about making small goals.  I like it because it IS so broad.  It could be anything and then I can just mark it off my list.  Boom.  Done.  For instance, I just learned the capital of the Republic of Slovenia is Ljubljana.  If I learn how to pronounce "Ljubljana," I will have learned TWO things!

Eh, I don't know about this resolution stuff!

This year let's all just focus on doing the best we can with what we've got, being ourselves and actually liking ourselves just the way we are, and saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

2012 is going to be the best year ever!  (And possibly our last, but let's not worry about that for right now.)  


48 comments:

Patricia said...

I forgot to make resolutions. I really intended to, but since it is January 2, I guess I missed my chance. But next year I will totally get around to it! Good luck with yours!

Unknown said...

Agreed! :-) But I also plan to get rid of stuff... 20 bags in 30 days!

Jenny @ flutterbyechronicles said...

I can relate to calling friends. I am awful at calling people. I just assume send a text and be done with it ;)

I love #2 will definitely have to try that out and see if it works.

devohersko said...

My resolution is to grow 10 feet. Then my weight and my height will be proportionate. Heck, the "I will lose a million pounds by the end of the week" resolution never works...

Heather said...

How to pronounce Ljubljana: lyoo-BLYAH-nah. You can fully cross that off your list now. I watched either the Davinci Code or Angels & Demons in a theater there one rainy day. It was in Slovenian with English subtitles until it got to the part where they spoke French and it had Slovenian subtitles...then things got difficult to follow. :-)

MGN said...

My 5-year-old son's resolution is to not pick his nose. I've decided we might keep him for another five years if he keeps thinking like that.

frugalistablog.com said...

There's truth to number 2. A weekend of yes's makes a good week of no's. 'nuff said.

makeoverformom said...

I have a basket of clean clothes that I've dried once, tumbled twice to remove wrinkles and moved into a basket. Do I tumble again or wear wrinkled? love that resolution!

BamaT1212 said...

Fav lines:
"That shouldn't be so hard, it only took me 3 days to gain 10 lbs." - No kidding! I need to lose 5 lbs before Thursday - surely it can be done if I just stop gorging myself on sweets & starches. Right??

"I'm not sure what we'd talk about if I called twice." - Sadly, I know exactly what you mean. I am so bad (who isn't!) about calling friends. Not bad about Facebooking or texting, but actually calling - terrible. Must improve. Another thought is to send an actual letter. Handwritten letters are a lost art.

Happy 2012!!! (My hilarious BIL wants to know exactly when it's time to start pilaging in preparation for the end of the world. My b-day is 12/12/12 - is that the new date or is it still 12/21/12? Regardless, we're having a party!

Amanda said...

Also going to try and be nicer to my Hubbie. Even when he says "douche canoe" crap like, "how many pounds do you have to lose until you are back to your pre-baby body?"
You should also know that douche canoe will become a staple in my vocabulary this year...I might even prep my son to ensure that's his first phrase lol

Heather said...

This year I resolved to make no resolutions. It already feels less disappointing than last year! Good luck on yours though...you know, for the whole week of them. And please, never stop your writing, you continuously make me laugh like Julia Roberts - loud and obnoxiously.

Mloch53 said...

Resolved to quit smoking once and for all. Made it a day and a half, but started over again this morning. What kind of idiot still smokes cigarettes?

Hartday said...

Don't be too hard on yourself Mloch53. We all have our downfalls. Mine is food and by that I mean crap food. If I don't kick it, is gonna get me...Jen love the blog, been following since the Elf story and look forward to it everyday:)

Anonymous said...

I resolve to comment more on blogs I like. If anyone is 1/10th the attention fiend I am, they'd appreciate it. I like your blog. It gives me hope that I am not alone in my desire to cause serious bodily harm, yet somehow maintaining.

Anonymous said...

I'll have to introduce Resolution # 2 to my Female Mortgage Partner (aka, Fiancé). I think it'll make life more blissful for the both of us.

Peace, Love and Naked Bunnies...

Amy said...

Jen, I have to steal from you, but will give you credit. Great blog as usual, too much to relate to (except that laundry thing - dont get why people dont just fold the crap and put it away so it doesnt become a scary mystery pile).. but the best was "Proudly unmedicated with the mood swings to prove it."

Anonymous said...

good list! btw the Mayan calendar doesn't end this year, it just starts over. When we say the days of the week: sun, mon, tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat. We don't say sunday again because culturally we just know that the cycle starts over... That doesn't mean every saturday is the end of the world... the week just starts over...

Kristen said...

Love it! I make resolutions every year and never keep them. I wrote them down this year. Will it help? Eh. But, I did make a new resolution to say "fuck it all"about the people I work with. Oh, I plan to use "asshat" and "jack hole" as much as humanly possible this year. Well, not at work since I work with 6 year olds! Happy new year!

Desiree said...

I resolved a number of years ago to never make resolutions...and so far, that is the one I have kept! :) Best wishes for success on yours. And thanks for the morning laugh.

Marcella said...

My #1 resolution this year is to have Justin Bieber's baby.

If I can't make that happen, I'm going to accuse him of it.

Stay tuned...

Gwen @ The Bold Abode said...

Oh, Lawdy. I should so stop talkin' gangsta...cept dat'd be no fun...

All ovah being mysef...Totally got that one covered...

"If you don't like it, you can shove it..but you don't like it, you love it" ~weezer

Debyjp said...

Just 1 resolution, just get up every daysnd don't forget to breath!

Robyn said...

That's way more resolutions than I could bring myself to make. I'm impressed. Although, now that you wrote them out, people are going to keep asking you about them. I've already broken my resolution. And it's only the 2nd.

Debbie said...

My New Year's Resolution is to read your blog and have a good laugh!

NerdGirlNicole said...

So glad I fell across your blog about that pain in the ass/mute drill sargent elf (nothing I loved better than my first conscious, heart-racing thought each morning being that our damned "Hum" hadn't been moved yet)! I completely agree with all of your punches in the throat that I have read so far...so much so, it's as if the thoughts were my very own!

Lauren said...

Love #2, I'll definitely have to try that one out.

Love your blog. You make me laugh every day. It keeps me from actually doing physical harm to some people I work with/live with/run into which keeps me out of jail. So Thanks!

Leia said...

I usually try not to make resolutions because when I do it ends up being the one thing I DON'T accomplish. Kinda like saying a birthday wish out loud. If I was going to make one though it would probably be along the lines of being less lazy, but that might cut into the time I spend reading my favorite blog! I don't know why it tickles me so much to basically read my own thoughts every day...I guess just the surreality of it actually coming from someone else!

Sheric said...

Is there a T-shirt with "Proudly unmedicated..."? I would so wear it. Especially in front of all of my son's friend's parents...asshats.

Laura K said...

Long time reader, first time commenter....not really long time reader but I have always wanted to say that. #6 my favorite. Anything to get out of cooking.

Leslie said...

Amen to the laundry! hahaha! i am still waiting for that lazy ass laundry fairy to come! love the blog! love your fire! keep em coming!

Lilliana said...

Five minutes a day for housework? Does that mean I can just do a fifth of the dishes and throw in the towel? SWEET!

Lisa said...

I love that you wrote resolution #2. I love your blog. Can we be best friends? I wouldn't even care if you never called!

Aunt Shan said...

I'm only commenting because you've sounded down lately about your "likes" "shares" and comments. Did it make you feel better. How about a "there, there" thrown in for good measure?

Aunt Shan said...

Btw, it's no small feat to successfully comment.

misty said...

#7 is soooo me! i have a huge laundry room, and because i have 3 "unfolders" that help me i have resolved to baskets upon baskets.....i can say there isnt dirty clothes in there, i dont mind running the washer and dryer, its folding that sends me into fits of tears!

Krysta said...

I recently came across your blog and wanted to thank you for the laughs. You are hilarious and you have such a great way of making the normal things we encounter every day seem so funny. Most importantly, you say the things a lot of us are thinking but you have the balls to say them. Love it.

Jill Jordan said...

THANK YOU! I've been saying since this entire Mayen nonsense began that their calendar maker was just a victim of severe O.C.D! Too much chocolate and human sacrifice perhaps?

TC said...

The more of your blogs I read, the more I am sure we are some how related. #1, #2, & #7 I couldn't have said better myself. I'm so glad I am not the only one that thinks this way!

MommyOntheEdge said...

Resolution smezolution, I think I've said I was going to lose weight every year for the last 10 years. So..this year I'm going to resolve to GAIN weight and hopefully it backfires the way the rest of them have :D

SplendidlyImperfect said...

I just wanted to say thank you for fixing the feed reader thing! Hooray for no more truncated posts!

Krysti said...

Ahh, the good ol' Mayan "prophecy". In my house, this is also known as the reason why my uncle is irritated with me and my parents; apparently, we're mean because we didn't invite him to join us in the "bunker" under Denver International Airport. That's called a tornado shelter, dear uncle...

I've heard that about resolutions too! I keep mine vague though...it leaves it open for interpretation and I'm less likely to suck that way xD

Furtheron said...

not sure on the resolution front myself for this year... I never stick to them... and they often are the same and I instantly feel like a failure before starting!

TNMom said...

I'm a loser, I have some in my head but didn't write them down. Waste of paper.

Anyways, I figured out how to follow you, so I did. Happy New Year, you rock!

yfn jman said...

i swear to the mayans, you make me so proud to be an American! happy new year!

lesliem said...

i also suck at keeping resolutions...i like to make really broad ones too...like i will appreciate my friends more...whos gonna know? right. also the laundry thing...if you fold it and put it where it goes it takes all the fun out of looking for it in the giant pile!! happy new year to you.

Hilary said...

Last year my resolution was to maintain the status quo. I'm all for setting expectations around my ankles. Looking at your list makes me think I could handle 2-6 and 10. If I could do #5 with regularity, especially after my girls have done something that makes me want to shut myself in the closet withi a bottle of wine,that's progress. I'm really enjoying your blog and have to tell you,whenever I mention it by name, people crack up. Thanks for the great posts. Happy 2012!

Anonymous said...

Without the F bombs this would be perfect!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your blog! My Friday nights have disintegrated to my husband and son watching the Cotton Bowl in one room while I reconcile the work bank account and watch TLC in another. You've made my evening! I'm resolving to read your blog regularly. (Don't hold your breath, though. I've already broken all of my other resolutions.)

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