New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's 2012 and if the Mayans are right, why the fuck am I even making a list of resolutions?

I should just max out the credit cards, stop paying the mortgage, forget the laundry, pull the kids out of school and just go where the wind takes us and wait for The End.

The problem is, I'm a scaredy cat.  I'm pretty sure (well, 99% sure) that the Mayans are wrong.  I think they just decided to call their calendar quits at 2012, because the guy writing it got a hand cramp.  I don't really believe the world will end and I know it certainly won't end if I max out the credit cards, stop paying the mortgage, etc.  I'm afraid I'll ring in 2013 wearing dirty rags for clothes, in debt up to my eyeballs, living in a tent somewhere in the Australian bush with my illiterate children (the Hubs couldn't last a night in a tent, so I'm sure he left us back when we lost the house).

So, I'd better make my list of resolutions that will be forgotten by Friday.

1.  Lose weight.  I just read in an article about how to keep your resolutions, that you're not supposed to say something broad like this.  You're supposed to set small goals you can actually accomplish.  So I'll say:  Lose 5 lbs by the end of January.  That shouldn't be so hard, it only took me 3 days to gain 10 lbs.

2.  Be kinder to the Hubs.  Too broad again.  How about:  Try to say "Yes" more often, when all I want to do is read a book.  I know someone who says "Yes" all weekend just so she can say "No" all week and read.  Maybe I could try that.  That sounds easier.

3.  Clean the house for 5 minutes each day.  No sense being broad on that one.

4.  Make enough money to have a cleaning lady come every week so I can cut back my cleaning to 2 minutes each day.

(Now, I'm getting the hang of this!)

5.  Be a better mother.  Nope, not going to be able to keep that one either.  How about: Give one more hug and kiss each night when the kids ask for it, even though I know they're stalling; laugh at Gomer's made up jokes when he tells them to me for the 40th time in 30 minutes; let Adolpha wear her hair in 3 braids to school, because she thinks she looks badass even though I think she looks ridiculous - but NOT on picture day and tell them as often as I can how much I love them.

6.  Write a book.  I'm going to need to write every day.  If I do this, something is going to have to give.  I could give up housework.  I'd better give up cooking too.

7.  Fold laundry as soon as it is done drying.  Ugh.  That just sounds horrible.  It's so much better to have a huge pile of clean laundry to dig through for underwear.  No, no, no!  I've got to do this.  Damn!  The bell on the dryer just went off.  Good thing I decided I'm not starting my resolutions until tomorrow.

8.  Call my friends.  I can be a really crappy friend.  I have some friends I haven't spoken to in a long time.  I need to call them - at least once this year.  That should be plenty.  I'm not sure what we'd talk about if I called twice.

9.  Don't do drugs - recreational or pharmaceutical.  This was on a top 10 Resolutions list.  It seemed easy enough since I never take drugs.  (Remember?  "Proudly unmedicated with the mood swings to prove it.")  I wanted at least one resolution I could actually keep all year.

10.  Learn something new.  This was in the article I read about making small goals.  I like it because it IS so broad.  It could be anything and then I can just mark it off my list.  Boom.  Done.  For instance, I just learned the capital of the Republic of Slovenia is Ljubljana.  If I learn how to pronounce "Ljubljana," I will have learned TWO things!

Eh, I don't know about this resolution stuff!

This year let's all just focus on doing the best we can with what we've got, being ourselves and actually liking ourselves just the way we are, and saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

2012 is going to be the best year ever!  (And possibly our last, but let's not worry about that for right now.)