Me - In a Canoe With Gomer & Adolpha

Today was our last full day of camp.  We head back to civilization tomorrow and I've finally hit my stride.  Today I felt like SuperMom and when Gomer begged me to take him out in a canoe, I readily agreed.  I didn't stop for a moment to think that I know nothing about canoes.  That I can't paddle for shit or that the winds were blowing away from the dock today.  SuperMom kicked in and said, "Sure!  Let's do it!"  How hard could it be?  I thought.  Apparently, it's hard when you're an idiot.

Of course, Adolpha got wind of our plan and wanted to join in.  We walked down to the dock, found everyone an appropriately sized life vest and hopped in our little metal canoe.  We paddled a nice little circle real close to the dock and I said, "Well, that was fun, let's bring her in."

"Noooo," my kids wailed.  "Aunt Seraphina took us all over the lake."

"She did?" I asked.

"Yup."

Hmmm...Aunt Seraphina is MY aunt, their GREAT aunt.  I'm not sure how old she is, but close to 60 I'd say.  If she can row them all over the lake, so can I.  I can not be outdone by a senior citizen.  I spotted a little cove at the far end and I said, "Did she take you to that cove?"

"Nope."

"OK, well that's where we're going!  Paddle, Gomer!"  We had a nice brisk wind at our backs and off we went to our secluded cove.  We got there in no time and drifted around for a bit.  The sun was starting to get hot and Adolpha was getting restless.  Every time she shifted her weight the boat would tip a bit and Gomer would freak out that we were going to capsize.  (I didn't want to tell Gomer that I'd pretty much convinced myself before we ever left shore that I would somehow be swimming back because we would most likely tip.)

At least it was only this bad in my head.

"Have you had enough?  Shall we head back?" I asked.

"Yes!" they answered.

I conjured up the few strokes I could remember from the last time I ever canoed (25 years ago) and got us turned around and headed in the right direction.  We battled head winds the whole way and Gomer wasn't much help when it came to paddling.  His arms were tired and he didn't have much left in him.

We finally got within about 10 feet of the dock when suddenly the wind picked up and we were literally turned sideways and pushed back out in the middle of the lake.  Argh.  I tried to turn us again and this time we did two complete rotations before I was done.  I tried to act like I meant to do that.  As if I am some sort of trick canoeist.

People were starting to gather on the shore now to watch us.  "Are you OK out there?" someone called.

"Oh yeah, we're good.  Thanks.  Just need to paddle a bit harder," I called back.  "Dig!" I yelled at Gomer.

"I'm digging, mommy!" he yelled at me.  "Steer!"

(I've never been canoeing with the Hubs, but this gave me a glimpse of what it could be like.  Gomer has never reminded me so much of his father as he did today when he yelled at me.)

We headed back towards the dock and got within 10 feet again when we were suddenly pushed away again!  Are you kidding me!!?

At this point, I start thinking if I can somehow jump in the lake without tipping the canoe.  I figure I could jump in and tow the boat in.  I'm not convinced my plan can be carried out.  I am very much  like a clumsy baby bull.  My kids will definitely end up in the drink.  I'm positive.

I can't think about jumping, because now I've got a mutiny on my hands.  The kids are wigging out.

"Mommy, will we be stuck out here all night?" Adolpha wailed.

"No.  I'm thinking of jumping in and swimming the boat in," I said.

"You'd jump in and leave us here, Mommy?" Gomer screeched.

"Noo.  I'd pull the boat and swim.  I think you might fall in too though.  Would that scare you guys?"

"YES!" they replied in unison.

"Well, then we're going to have to paddle really hard, Gomer.  Let's go.  I'll count and we can paddle together."

We started again with our synchronized paddling, inching closer to the dock.  We were getting there...I could maybe just slip over the side...WHOOSH.  Damn winds!!  Out we go again - sideways.

Now I think we could make it to the shore on the other side of the lake and drag the boat out there.  I've decided that's what I'm going to do.  We start working with the wind instead of against it.  I just hope it isn't very deep over there.

"Hi there.  Could you use some help?" came a voice out of nowhere.  A young boy - maybe a high school kid? pulls up in a kayak.

"Hi!  Yes, please!" we all reply.

"Hang on to my kayak and I'll tow you in," he said.

He expertly maneuvered us right to the beach with little or no trouble.  We got to where the water was about a foot deep and I jumped out of that damn boat.  The hell I was going to get dragged back out into the middle again!  We were all glad to be on dry land again.

Yes, I am not ashamed to say that I let that young boy tow me and my two children to shore while everyone watched us like we were idiots.  No one said it out loud, but I could hear their thoughts.  "What the hell was she thinking?  Look at her!  She is not boating material.  Did she just think a motor would somehow appear on the back of that canoe?  Those poor kids are terrified.  Way to go, SuperMom.  Ewww...by the way, she totally ruined her shoes.  Yuck."

My shoes are a little soggy and I'm not sure that they will recover and I will definitely be sore tomorrow.  The upside?  I'm making memories for my kids.  I was a regular OAM today.  We got some great pics that will look great in my Canoeing Memories Scrapbook.

James Franklin

I got a lot of heat last month when I wrote about a Douchey Dad I encountered.  There was a lot of push back from men, especially, telling me to mind my own business and quit picking on these poor, hardworking guys.  I also heard from people asking me to better articulate what makes a dad douchey.  Well today I found one that I can show you.  This guy.  James Franklin.  He's the epitome of what pisses me off.

Want to work for me? Let me see your wife.

James Franklin is the head football coach at Vanderbilt University and he said in a radio interview Wednesday that he won't hire an assistant coach until he lays eyes on the guy's wife.

"I've been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant coach until I've seen his wife. If she looks the part, and she's a D-I recruit (one of the nation's best-of-the-best), then you got a chance to get hired. That's part of the deal."

He wants to make sure his assistant coaches have hot wives.  OK, he didn't say "hot."  But he did say the wives must "look the part."  Barf.

Are you fucking kidding me?  That is the most disgusting and pervy thing I've heard in a long time, not to mention just plain discriminatory and I'm guessing a tad illegal.

WTF is wrong with you, James?  I hope your (presumably hot) wife smacked you upside your head when you got home from that interview.

It's just another nauseating example of douchebags talking bullshit.  Either he really meant what he said and so that just makes him a dick.  Or he lied so he'd sound all fucking manly or something stupid like that and he's still a dick.  This guy just doesn't have a clue.

Let me tell you something about confident men with average looking wives, James.  These kinds of guys are real men.  They derive their confidence from within, not from the eye candy on their arm.  They don't need some nipped and tucked and inflated Barbie doll to parade around to make them feel like a man.  They don't have to look around a room and reassure themselves that they've got the hottest ticket there.

I know, because I live with one of these guys.  The Hubs is one of the most confident men you'll ever meet and I do not "look the part."  He is an excellent salesman and won't take no for an answer from anyone.  He's so confident, in fact, that at times it borders on arrogant with a dash of narcissism and I actually have to rein him in.  He married me because I'm fucking hilarious and fun to be around.  He married me because he knows that my looks will go, so he'd better like who I am more than what I look like.  He married me because he didn't need a flashy, gorgeous woman to make him feel like a man.

You're an idiot, James and I can't even believe you think that, let alone say that out loud.  It makes sense, I guess since your team sucks balls.  No wonder they do - you can't expect to get a decent coaching staff if you advertise the fact that you want to ogle their wives before you hire them.  Do you want to take them for a test ride too and make sure they're they "total package"?

Update: James has since apologized for his comments.  I still think he is a douche.

What do you think? Who else should win the world's biggest douche award? Join in the conversation.
http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/p/community.html#/1508371/forum/162935/worlds-biggest-douche.html

Extreme Couponing

If you don't know yet, I'll tell you:  the Hubs is CHEAP!  I mean, REALLY, REALLY cheap.  He manages to get free magazine subscriptions, he saves us tons of money on electronics by doing his research and price comparisons, he only buys clothes from the clearance rack WITH a coupon and he will only eat out at restaurants he has coupons for or that have a Dollar Menu he can order from.

That being said, he started bugging me about "Extreme Couponing", I think.  He's telling me how we could be getting thousands of dollars of groceries every year for pennies on the dollar if we'd just "clip a couple coupons" like these people.

Today I had a little time so we sat down to watch the show.  About halfway through I wanted to punch the Hubs in the throat.  If he thinks we're going to do this, he's NUTS.

These people have a SERIOUS problem.  I predict they will end up on a very special "Hoarders:  Buried Alive Under Reynold's Wrap & Crest Toothpaste".  I truly believe these people are mentally ill.  The sickest out of the 4 they profiled lives in a 3 bedroom home where 2 of the bedrooms as well as her husband's "man cave" have become stockpile rooms.  The 2 bedrooms look pretty organized and tidy with everything arranged neatly on shelves, but the man cave is just piled high with plastic grocery bags.  It's like Hoarders Lite in that house.  This is the same woman who spent $70 ordering coupons (who the hell even know you could do that??) from a coupon clipping service so she could get 150 candy bars for free.  She brags that she spends 70 hours a week couponing.  Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm not very good at math, but I got out my trusty calculator and I did some figuring.  If you take the 70 hours she spends couponing PLUS the 40 hours she claims to work at a real job that only leaves a little over 8 hours a day for sleeping/eating/socializing/pooping.  I just don't think that math adds up!  When does she find the time to eat her 150 candy bars??  On shopping day she actually has to take a vacation day from work to spend 6-8 hours at the grocery store.  WTF???

I also get irritated when these Extreme Couponers claim how much they save by clipping coupons.  None of them take into account the $70-100 they PAY the clipping services.  Or the fact that they have 10 newspaper subscriptions so they can get coupons.  That's gotta come off your bottom line people - it's an expense.  I'm still impressed you managed to get $600 worth of groceries for $90, just don't tell me you only paid $20.

One woman doesn't order coupons she gets them the old fashioned way:  Dumpster diving.  She even had fancy looking gloves just for her Dumpster diving (I wonder if she used a coupon to buy those).

And don't even get me started on the narrator!  "Susie waits nervously for the coupons to start coming off her total.  If she's miscalculated anywhere she could end up owing more money than she has brought with her!"  Seriously?  Have you never gone to checkout at the grocery store and realized you didn't have enough money?  It's not like the Manager says, "Put on an apron and start bagging groceries, lady.  Someone's gotta pay for that ice cream!"  The drama is comical.  "Susie starts to sweat.  Something's gone terribly wrong.  The computer has frozen.  What will she do now with her 9 carts of groceries?"  Uhhh....walk away and say I'll try again tomorrow?  Don't worry, don't worry, it all worked out for Susie.  Four store employees put their heads together for 2 HOURS and finally came up with the brilliant plan of splitting her order into more manageable sizes so the computer could handle it.  I'm sure Corporate will be happy to see those productive hours!

Hey, I love a sale as much as the next person.  I will use a coupon at my favorite stores like Hobby Lobby, Gymboree and Macy's.  My problem is, I rarely see a grocery coupon for stuff I like.  I don't like Hunt's Ketchup (I'm a Heinz kinda girl) and I don't care if Hunt's will pay me a buck to take it out the store I won't buy it.  (Actually, that's not true.  If I had 300 Hunt's coupons that I found in a Dumpster and had a grocery store that doubled  my coupon and I ended up making money, I'd take the Hunt's out of the store and put it on Craigslist and sell it for half price and make more money 'cause I'd rather make money than save money.)

How much toothpaste can one family need?  What are they stockpiling it for??  Are they waiting for Armageddon??  They talk a lot about being able to live off of their cache for one or two years if necessary.  Yeah, if all you wanted to eat was deodorant, cat food, Barilla pasta, Gatorade, and Butterfingers.

One person on my Facebook summed it up perfectly: "these people are hoarders and thieves."  I agree completely and I have no desire to spend 70 flipping hours a week hoarding and thieving.

In the end, the Hubs and I compromised:  anytime he wants to go Dumpster diving for coupons, he's welcome to try it (because I refuse to subscribe to the paper or coupon clipping services) but if he brings home Hunt's Ketchup he has to eat it all.

Where is the line between being a cheap bastard and being frugal? Let me know.

Wrap Up 6.10.12

This week I've been busy trying to better my blog.  It's no secret that I want to write full time and the only way to do that is to get sponsors and advertisers.  I went to St. Louis earlier this week to meet with Google AdSense so that they could help me optimize my site.  You'll probably notice some changes over the next few weeks since I'm trying new things.  The newest thing I'm trying is message boards.  It's an awesome feature where we can all chat together so much easier.  It's a little slow to load, but once it does, it's totally worth it.  I am considering doing a live Q&A chat on this message board, so please be sure to sign in and join the discussion.    


I've also been more active on Twitter this week.  I've always had a Twitter presence, but I've treated it like my bastard child while Facebook was my favorite.  The tide is turning.  Zuck and his friends are pissing me off because they are limiting my reach.  I'm hearing from many of you who are no longer seeing me in your newsfeed, which is really uncool when you've elected to subscribe to my updates.  I've been using Twitter a lot to connect with other people who are attending BlogHer '12.  If you're planning on being there, I'd love to meet you, so please tweet me and let me know.  Or better yet, go to the message boards and join the thread about BlogHer '12.


I've also been looking for just the right pair of cargo pants to wear to the Friends Party on June 21. I'm looking forward to attending the Overland Park event.  If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, read this and then sign up.  If you're the one taking charge of a local event, please create a thread on the message boards.  This will be sooo much easier to plan and discuss your event.  


There's a theme here.  Are you getting it?  Go to the message boards and use them.  It will make your life so much better. 


Top Read Posts:


John Mayer - One word: douche.


Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog - There were many compelling arguments in the comments as to why I should have a dog, but in the end the answer is still "No."

Yes Day - Still hasn't happened.  I might take the advice I saw crop up a lot about not telling them it's Yes Day until it's over.

50 Shades of Grey - PIWTPITT Review - I asked for some book suggestions on Facebook the other night and got loads (thank you), but 50 Shades of Grey just kept popping up and it made me realize that many of you had not seen my fabulous book review, so I reposted it.

New Posts for Babble.com This Week:

Would You Go to Sleep Away Camp With Your Kids?

Why I Never Say Never

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

Yes, I am not down with earning the "In The Butt" bag either. Negatory. I guess that's why I have the "Half-Hearted Hand Job during Letterman" bag from Marshall's. *sigh* on Wrap Up 6.4.12

Haters gonna hate...Meyer has nailed every hot piece of ass in Hollywood...good for you bro. Swag for days, you be you, and f the haters. on John Mayer

I saw this comment come through and was mildly amused, but I quickly realized I would not need to address it, because the awesome Sarah was on it:

John Mayer! I didn't know you read Jenn's blog! Way to throw us off by spelling your name wrong... but only douche bags use the word swag. You gave it away! on John Mayer

Hands down, this is what I love most about my readers.  They are funny as hell.

Crying. Holding my sides. Had to pull over while driving to finish reading (guess I should've done that in the first place). Your last line is my new line for 2012. You Are Hilarious! on John Mayer

While I appreciate that you never want to miss a word that I've written, PLEASE ALWAYS pull over to read.  OK, I'm done being your mother now. 

Attacking Taylor Swift is like punching a kitten. Have we learned nothing from Kanye? I mean, pretty much nothing, but at least that. on John Mayer

He's like the leader of all the douchebag guys out there. He's like Captain Douche Canoe, I bet they have a secret handshake. on John Mayer

I'm a dog lover, I trained police dogs for a living before I had children. I'd like to support your 'no dog' rule. Only for one reason, if you're not ready and wanting a dog, then it's best you don't. Just like children, unless you really want a baby, they are always going to be more trouble then you can expect. on Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

My mom raised us the same way! Grandma accidentally taught my oldest to say "damn dog" accidentally at a very young age. I still do not have a dog and hubby is on board BECAUSE he came from a dog home. Yes he was jealous of the treatment the dogs got. There were times MIL would brown hamburger for the dogs and tell him to eat lunch meat out of the fridge. on Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

I'm 30 and still begging for a dog... only now it's my husband. You would think I have some womanly prowess that I could use on him. NOTHING WORKS!!!!!! He feels the same way you do -they're "sheddy." Good Luck & God Speed Adolpha... I feel your pain girl. on Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

I think my husband would be more excited about the prospect of a Yes Day than my kid would be... on Yes Day

ok fucktards, has it ever occurred to you that there are some people in this world who are not able to have children and maybe that is why they treat their pets like their babies? Has it occurred to you that not all of us want disgusting children to worship like you psychos do? Shouldn't you be up little junior's ass right now instead of on here? I mean that is what parents of human children do these days they bow down and worship the little shitheads that they created. GET THIS: I'M NOT HAVING KIDS EVER BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO NOT GET KNOCKED UP, unlike you idiots. Half of you didn't want the brats you got stuck with, and now you are judging people who didn't have kids because you are jealous that they have the time and money that you wish you did to piss away on whatever we want. on Dog Pedicures

Of course it has occurred to me that there are people out there who can't get pregnant.  In fact, I know a several people like that.  It doesn't sound like you're one of those people.  The people I know who struggle to get pregnant would never call a kid disgusting or a shithead.  The people I know who struggle to get pregnant would look into every option they have to get a child - a human - not a dog, because they know that a dog isn't the same.  I'm glad you know how not to get knocked up, because it sounds like you hate children and you'd be a terrible mother.  And for the last time, I am so tired of hearing how "jealous" I am of everything.  I'm not jealous.  I'm just pointing out dumb things people do.  I point my finger all the time at dumb people, but no one gets their hackles up more than combination dog lover/child haters.  Take a fucking Xanax and calm down.  Go paint your dogs' nails, I'm sure it's very soothing for you, you twit.  

John Mayer

I'm a dooooo-uche.

Am I the only one who thinks John Mayer is acting like a pussy?  Have you read about his interview with Rolling Stone magazine where he bitched that Taylor Swift "humiliated" him with her song "Dear John?"

WTF, John?  First of all, where have you been for the last couple of years?  It was so nice when you were gone.  Second of all, when did you become such a whiny bitch?  Come on!

Look, I'm not a Taylor Swift fan and I've never even listened to the song "Dear John."  I would have never even heard about it if John didn't cry about it, but now I have and of course I have something to say.

I have never been a fan of John Mayer.  I knew his type from the first time I saw him:  Douche bag with a capital "D."  He's a smarmy player and he's full of shit.  He's not even that good looking and every article I read about him makes him sound like someone with a brain injury, but he does look like he'd know his way around the Red Room of Pain.  Actually, that's probably not even true, from what I've read, he's really only good at masturbating and alluding to his allegedly giant tool.

He's dated lots of high profile ladies and he's got a real reputation for lovin' them and leavin' them and blabbin' about them.  I don't even know why Taylor would let that sleazeball in her bed, but that's beside the point.  She was probably thinking about the Red Room and the nine inches he keeps bragging about.  She was young and I'm assuming he has a line or two that seem to work wonders, because he's seduced a crap load of chicks.  My guess is since he's such a douche, his pick up line is "Your body is a wonderland."  Barf.  If Taylor fell for that line, she gets a pass due to her age and lack of life experience.  We've all done stupid things at 19.

Meanwhile, he was a 31 year old guy romancing a 19 year girl who had built her empire on writing songs to boyfriends who dumped her.  What did he expect her to do?  Write down her pain in her diary and save it?  Send him a Hallmark card to let him know that she was hurting?  Call her mom?

I also think it's interesting that her lyrics took him by surprise - that he had no idea she felt that way.  I'm going to go ahead and call "Bullshit" on that one.  Of course he knew.

This is my number one complaint about guys like John Mayer.  I may not have any experience with rock stars - OK, really no experience - but I have a shit ton of experience with douche bags and they all act the same way.  They break up with you like a dick.  Either by cheating on you or they say something stupid like, "You're too good for me.  Let's stay friends OK?  Because I really need you in my life.  You are so special to me."  Fuck you.

My guess is John Mayer is the type to want to keep in touch, but Taylor did not.

She'd just had her heart broken by a total dickwad.  Of course she didn't text him or email him.  She wrote a fucking song, because that's what she does.

And now I hope she writes another one.  I hope she calls it "Dear John, Does Your Vagina Hurt?"

Me - Because I Don't Want a Dog

OK, OK, it's time.  At least one of you has been bugging me for a few days now about writing about why I don't have a dog and why I won't have a dog.  So here you go.

Adolpha is crazy about dogs and she would love to own one.  Easily three times a week she asks for a dog and three times a week I say, "No.  A dog is too much work and too much responsibility for us.  We barely have enough time to spend with you and Gomer.  When would we spend time with a dog?  We like to travel and be gone a lot and that's not fair to a dog.  It would not be a good life for a dog in our house.  When you're older and on your own, you can have your own."  End of discussion:  No Dogs Allowed.

But, why? You ask.  Dogs are man's best friend.  They are our best companions.  Dogs are loving and loyal and protective.  You should have a dog, you meanie.

I blame it on my parents.

Growing up, my brother and I wanted a dog.  We would beg and plead with our parents (Pleeeeeeeeeeeease????).  We would negotiate and over promise (C.B. will pick up the poop and I'll walk him and we'll never fight anymore we promise, promise, promise!).  We would guilt trip our parents (EVERYBODY we know has a dog.  You don't love us!).

My parents never budged.  They never said, "We'll think about it."  There was never a family meeting called where we could discuss the pros and cons of dog ownership.  It was always just straight up "No."  Even when precious little C.B. wrote letters to Santa for years asking for a dog my parents remained stoic - that's just cold.  (For those of you who are wondering, Adolpha doesn't ask Santa for a live dog, because she knows that Santa does not bring live animals, so it's not worth wasting your time on him.  I learned from watching C.B. that I could never say "No" if she asked Santa.)

My mother was (and still is actually) a stickler for a clean house (yes, she cringes every time she steps in my front door, but that's a post for another day).  She was constantly wiping something, dusting something or vacuuming something.  The mess that two little kids made was enough to send her over the edge and the idea of a dog just overwhelmed her.  My dad traveled a lot for work so we were on our own a lot and my mom did not want one more thing dependent upon her or making a mess for her to clean up.  My dad would just say, "Yeah.  What your mother said."

All of this dog animosity rubbed off on me.  I began to see dogs the way she did:  messy, stinky, slobbery, whiny, destructive, sheddy (Is that a word?  Well, it is now.), hyper, barky, yippy/yappy and expensive.

I quickly got on the no dog bandwagon.  C.B. did not.

The first purchase C.B. and his wife made together was a dog.  This was my first experience around a dog.  He was a nice, older Boston Terrier who preferred to lay in the sun or cuddle.  He didn't smell, he didn't bark or whine, his shedding was minimal.  He was actually kind of...dare I say...nice.

I was actually thinking I'd been misinformed.  Dogs weren't as bad as I thought.  This one seemed really very...fine.  And then C.B. got his second dog.

This time he got a puppy.  A stinky, wriggly, chewy, albeit amazingly adorable puppy.  This puppy was so hyper she would play catch with you until her legs gave out from exhaustion.  She would yap and nip and jump.  Ahh...yes, this is what I thought dogs were like.

Don't get me wrong, C.B. and Ida are tough dog parents and set down rules for their dogs, but this was a puppy and she was a handful.  I could never be as strict at C.B. and Ida, so I knew right then a puppy was not in my future.

After a few years, C.B. and Ida were going on vacation and they asked if the Hubs and I would dog sit.  None of us had kids yet, so these were C.B. and Ida's "children."  The pressure was incredible.  What if one choked on dinner?  What if the little one ran away like she does sometimes?  What if the old one keeled over on my watch?  I was an absolute nervous wreck.  I didn't know anything about dogs, but I didn't want to say No.  So I agreed.

I was given a list of instructions that helped.  Luckily, Ida is detail-oriented and she knew I had no dog experience.  The instructions said things like, Feed the dogs 1/3 cup of dry food, 20 minutes later, take them outside to go to the bathroom.  Encourage them with phrases like, "Go, go, go."  (I doubt Ida has ever had to leave such detailed instructions for anyone, but I was glad she did because I am an idiot and "Go, go, go" did seem to make a difference.)

When they dropped them off, the old dog left an enormous shit in my hallway to let us all know he wasn't very happy with the arrangement - he could smell my fear.  I wanted to take a shit in his crate to let him know I felt the same way - and reinstate myself as Alpha Dog.

Long story short, I did not kill the dogs.  I was never calm while they were with me.  I was always on edge that something terrible would happen to them and I would be responsible.  Surprisingly, I was never asked to dog sit again.

After that weekend, my feelings on dogs were firmly cemented.  I like to visit dogs.  I like to pet dogs.  I like to send dogs home with their owners.

My guess is, there are a lot of dog owners who feel that way about my kids and we can both agree on that.

The most ironic part of this story, though, is when Ida and I were both pregnant with our boys - the first two grandchildren for my parents.  My mom was acting kind of strange.  She was getting excited for the two babies that were coming, but she had a weird maternal-ticking-clock kind of feeling too that she couldn't shake.  She thought maybe she wanted a dog.  Huh??

One of C.B.'s friends mentioned she knew about a rescued Boston Terrier that needed a good home, but she was having trouble finding a spot for him.  My mom asked to meet the dog.  WHAT????

C.B.'s friend brought the dog over for my mom to meet him.  After looking into his enormous, goggly, wonky eyes (yes, he has one eye that doesn't track as well as the other) she fell in love and adopted him.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  WE don't like dogs.  YOU raised me that way.  WTF??

Her response?  "I was wrong.  They're sweet."

To this day, I blame this adoption on the pheromones and hormones that Ida and I were pumping into the air that made my mom want her own menopausal "baby."  Meanwhile, that "baby" has a better life than me or C.B. ever had.  Sigh.

Hey wait!  I just had a breakthrough.  (Who needs a shrink when I have a blog??)  Maybe that's it.  It's not that dogs are smelly or messy, etc.  It's just that I'm jealous of a dog's life. They get to sleep all day (bliss).  Someone feeds them and walks them on a regular basis (no need to cook).  They get snuggles and love and someone to play with them and give them treats when they're good.  Dogs have no responsibility (let's face it, I would never be a service dog) and no one expects much from them.

That's it, I don't want a dog, because I want to be a dog.  Actually, after reading the headlines this morning, I've decided a cat's life is more for me.  I want to be this cat.

Wrap Up 6.4.12

Lots here, so let's get to it.

Top Read Posts This Week:

I Hear You, Tina, Loud and Clear - For Valentine's Day I wrote a letter to Tina Fey letting her know that I think we could be BFFs and I offered to buy her lunch. Surprisingly, she has not yet responded. Or so I thought! She's been communicating with me and I just finally opened my eyes so I could see it. After getting her message, I wrote this post letting her know that I know that she knows who I am. If you haven't seen the "update" take a look.  Lucky for me, Judah Friedlander (he's Frank on "30 Rock") wasn't too busy the other day and tweeted me about Tina.  My friends at Huffington Post also saw the post and they picked it as one of the best reads for the week.

Dog Pedicures - Wow, there is nothing like a bunch of dog lovers attacking one another's parenting skills. Oh wait, yeah there is, it's called Mommy Boards. I made an observation about how dumb I think nail "pawlish" for dogs is and I started a war between dog owners. Chill, people, dog pedicures and sweaters are not abusive, they're just silly.  Remember, we're laughing at ourselves here.

Exciting News - A Couple People Like Me - This was big news for me this week. I planned on attending BlogHer '12 this year in NYC and now I really have a reason to go. I was selected to be one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year. I'm super honored and excited. I'm really excited, because they DIDN'T pick Elf on the Shelf and they realized I have other funny pieces too. 

There has been a question about how I will maintain my anonymity and still accept an award. I don't think there's an actual award to be accepted. I'm not a Reader, I'm just an Honoree. Either way, I planned on attending BlogHer and I wasn't going to wear a bag over my head. If you're going, you'll get to see me in all my cargo pant and Crocs glory if you want. 

Oh and that reminds me. Apparently there are invitation-only sponsored parties at this shingdig. Of course there are. Sigh. So...hey Sponsors, I'd like to be invited to your parties (preferably the ones who will let me in the door in my Crocs). I'm interested in meeting sponsors who like my style and aren't afraid to to team up with me. Yes, I'm a tad unorthodox, but check out my stats, I will rock your brand. 

Inside MY Closet - Winner, winner, chicken dinner. This is the winner of the BlogHer Voices of the Year. BTW, I wish I would have known this when I wrote it, but apparently the Chanel bag this chick carries is affectionately called an "In the Butt Bag." I am so sheltered and naive I did not understand what that meant when my friend told me. She replied, "Duh, Jen. It's a $3,500 purse. Husbands don't just buy those for birthdays. If you want one, you've got to be prepared to take it...in the butt." Fuuuccck. I will stick with my Coach outlet purses, thank you very much. 

New Posts at Babble.com This Week:

I Think My Children Could be Future Nudists

What Would You Do if Your Child Brought Home the "Catastrophe Award"?

Most Popular Product in the PIWTPITT Store:

The Little Bag of Crap

Don't forget about the PIWTPITT Friends Party!  Sign up for your city and go and have fun.


The Hubs Blogged This Week:


Costco vs. Sam's Club

Zombie Apocalypse

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Reply if Necessary):

I laughed at this post...and then it reminded me of something that happened when my oldest was about three years old...and I laughed some more. Just tell me you won't be angry that our dog was treated to tingly lip and nipple cream in strawberry flavor. Children are sneaky. on Dog Pedicures

I am sooo with you! I don't even like when people put clothes on their dogs! But my newest wtf are they thinking moment came a week or so ago as my MALE friend has been going on and on and on about the Spa package he bought his dog, Beau for his birthday including doggy massage and doggy Facial! Really? That damn dog had a better birthday than me! on Dog Pedicures

I have a feeling this is going to lead to an increase in the pawstitution rate. on Dog Pedicures

Why would someone money for something so trashy?? It reminds me of that Dolly Parton quote, "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." on Dog Pedicures

OMG! I would NEVER paint my dog's nails! It would get all over the fur lining of his Uggs... duh. :) on Dog Pedicures

Thanks Jen......now I have to cancel me and my dog's joint butt-hole bleaching appointment. We were totally looking forward to it as a great bonding experience (not to mention the super cute new sphincter) LOL on Dog Pedicures

My PUNCH - People who are just realizing that your kids names are made up...really?? You were "wondering" about GOMER and ADOLPHA? If those were your real kids names, Jen...YOU would deserve a punch! LOL on Got a Punch?

Reading is fundamental.  It's like I always say, their real names are worse and I just don't want to be judged.

What in the hell are you doing wasting your time writing this?!?!?! It's obvious...get your ass on a plane and get over there. A no carb dinner and ALOT of adult beverages with Tina aren't gonna wait forever. Just make sure you wear the overalls so the doorman knows who you are, and doesn't think you're some crazy woman stalker he might have to punch in the throat. Lemme know how it goes! Muah! on I Hear You, Tina, Loud and Clear 

My wife wore coveralls on our first date... which happened to be in NYC. on I Hear You, Tina, Loud and Clear

Damn, if a McDonald's worker took notice I'm in... gotta get me some of that magic inside a bottle on Stuff I Will Pimp Out 

I know, right?  Amazeballs.

Yay! Well deserved, Jenn. Are you planning to get vajazzled for the occasion?? on Exciting News - A Couple People Like Me 

You know I will!  Already scheduled for me and my chihuahua that I'm going to rent for the event.  We'll match.