People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Book Recommendations

I simply asked "What's everyone reading?" and I got sooooo many great answers. We truly think alike in books, that's for sure!

So many of the books were already on my bedside table or on my queue at the library, but here are some I added:

Devil in the White City

Confederacy of Dunces

Sarah's Key

The Book of Awesome

The Marriage Plot

The Kitchen House

Winterdance

Black Dagger Brotherhood Series

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

I've never read Jodi Picoult or Janet Evanovich, but their names came up so many times that I'm going to try one of theirs and see what I think.

Jen Lancaster was another one that showed up a lot. Believe it or not I had never read any of her books until a few weeks ago when someone sent me an email and suggested I was "channeling" her. Now I've read all but one. She is my kind of girl. I actually like her better than Chelsea Handler.

A few people asked what kind of books I like and so here goes:

I am a voracious reader, but not really picky. I like books with good characters and good plots, but it doesn't need to be "deep" for me to love it. I read a lot of historical novels, fantasy, sci fi, YA, horror, biographies and some chick lit and some mystery. I like series a lot and I get sad when they end. I don't read much non-fiction.

Some of my favorite books/series are:

Judy Blume - who doesn't love her? She taught us so much.

Harry Potter (Someone suggested I might punch them for reading these books. I LOVE these books and I think JK is a genius. I'm currently reading them out loud to my kids each night before bed. We are on book 2.)

Hunger Games - Loved them and can't wait for the movies (which I'm sure I'll hate). I read her first series too Gregor the Overlander to the kids. It's like Hunger Games Lite for little kids.

Twilight - Wanted to hate them, but I loved them even though they were cheesy, misogynistic and Edward was a bit creepy when you thought of Bella as your daughter and him stalking her.

Dragon Tattoo series - The names of people and places hurt my brain, but after awhile I just gave them nicknames and it was much easier. The Swedish movies are really good, I'm anxious to see the American version now.

Game of Thrones series - I watched the HBO series and got hooked and wanted to read the books. So far I've only made it through the first. I needed a break. A lot of characters to keep track of.

Anything by Stephen King. One of my all time favorite books is The Stand. I read The Dome over the summer and really liked it. I have his newest one on my queue at the library.

Anything by Philippa Gregory. I really like her newest series The Cousins War.

If you like Philippa you might like Carolly Erickson. She's more historical than fiction though.

Bossypants - Tina Fey is perfect in every way.
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling could totally hang with me and Tina when we go to lunch.

The Passage and The Twelve

Anything by Cassandra Clare - She writes YA fantasy stuff.

The Help

Anything by Cinda Williams Chima - Another YA fantasy

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Cabin Fever (the boy is reading that to me these days)

The Historian - Awesome book

Room - I read this a before they found that girl that had been living in that man's backyard. Jacey Duggard maybe? It was surreal listening to her true story after just finishing this work of fiction.

Speak - YA - A good one if you have teenage girls, you should read it together and discuss.

In the Woods - American author who writes mystery/detective novels set in Ireland. Her characters are some of my favorites, her plots can be a bit thin at times.

The Outlander Series - Ah-may-zing. I need a flow chart half the time to figure out where we are, but I don't mind because they're so good.

The Tipping Point - very cool

Outliers - super interesting. I would like to raise a couple of Outliers.

The Hangman's Daughter - mystery, historical, all of the above

River of Doubt - Historical, written by a lady who lives down the street. She finds really random and relatively unknown historical facts and then writes incredibly interesting stories about them. Her newest one sounds great too. It's on my list.

Anything by Sarah Vowell, she's funny AND she's smart.
A Discovery of Witches
Becoming Marie Antoinette
50 Shades of Grey
The Forest of Hands and Teeth
Anything by Celia Rivenbark - I want to meet this woman and go to a PTA meeting with her. She is hysterical!
Divergent Series - I met Veronica Roth at a conference last year and giggled like a school girl. I would like to be her when I grow up (Yeah, she's like 25, but still way more mature than me.)
Crossed
Matched
Room
In the Woods
Faithful Place
The Likeness
The Fault in the Stars
The Silent Wife
Gone Girl and anything else by Gillian Flynn
A Discovery of Witches series (so far I've read the first one and I'm on the second one now)
Wool
The Bone Season
Anything by Lauren Oliver

The Dead-Tossed Waves

Right now (4/12/14) I'm reading:

Shadow of Night
Grave Mercy
Selection

Looking for something funny to read when you're done with Tina and Mindy? Check out my books:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourge - available for pre-order now on Amazon
I Just Want to Be Alone (Vol 2)
I Just Want to Pee Alone (Vol 1)

and the books of my friends (I really eat lunch with these people. OK, sometimes it's more like I'm eating a PB&J and chatting with them online, but still that's pretty close):

I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert
Moms Who Drink and Swear by Nicole Knepper
Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves by Robin O'Bryant
Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick
Hair of the Corndog by A.K. Turner
Motherhood of All Meltdowns by Crystal Ponti

Wow, this was great. I love to talk books, can you tell? Let's do this again in 6 months, shall we? Be sure to add more books recommendations to the comments.

Psst ... wanna talk online about books and eat PB&J sandwiches together? Let's do it! Friend me right here.

Weekly Wrap Up 1.6.12

The top read posts this week were:

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - This thing is the Energizer Bunny of my blog! Can't believe people are still reading this one. Meanwhile, Choppy Elfie is still sitting on the mantle. I might put him back in his box this week if I can remember.

New Year's Resolutions - It's been pretty easy keeping my resolutions this week. I only did one load of laundry, it was the week the cleaning lady comes so 5 minutes was perfect, and the Hubs was out of town all week so I ate cereal most nights for dinner and got a lot of reading done. Easy peasy.

The Makers of What I Consider to be Useless Products Like The One - The Binsi Birthing Skirt. WTF? Because I really care if I look wrinkled when I'm pushing a bowling ball out of my vagina.

I Got An Award - Twice - WTFC?

Things I Saw This Morning That Pissed Me Off - "Has Beens, Wanna Bes & Psychos Apprentice," signs of the Apocalypse and Elin Nordegren does some remodeling.

My favorite comments of the week (and my replies) were:

"I store our Christmas purchases in our luggage. We never go anywhere anyway." on Holiday Gifts.

That is absolutely brilliant. I will definitely do that next year. I have been asked where I finally found the roller coaster. It was exactly where I thought it might turn up, but was sure I had looked twice. It was hidden in the garage under a pile of beach towels. I went out the garage to throw something in the trash and I noticed the pile of towels was leaning precariously and looked a bit weird in shape. Sure enough, the box was under there. I'm an idiot. I still have it, because I'm convinced it will make a great present for the boy next year. I'm going to go and get it now and put it in a suitcase.

"Love it, love it! My favorite is "the Vault." One of my vault members is who I like to call Mr. Asshole
Black Camry. Thank you for a great laugh today!!" on The Hubs When He's On the Carpool Line.

You're welcome. The Vault is something that I came up with a few years ago. It originated for a good friend who does NOT give second chances. You cross her and she files that shit and she never forgets.

I would say, "Let's invite so and so to go to lunch with us today."

Her face would turn purple and she'd reply, "Two years ago - it was a Wednesday...I was wearing my blue dress, you know, the one with the white trim? Anyway, I was on my way to a meeting with David on 30. We needed to talk strategy about the Higgins case. I was eating an Everything bagel and I was feeling great because I was wearing my new lipstick - Coral Reef. And that bastard ruined my whole day. I was heading for the elevator thinking about how I needed to get up to 30 fast and that dick saw me coming. We made eye contact. Fucking eye contact, Jen. I called for him to hold the elevator and he didn't even pretend to try. No. He's dead to me."

And she was serious. I asked her how she could remember so many details and she said, "I don't know, it's just all in my brain. It's like a...."

"Vault," I said. After that I started filing stuff in my own Vault and it is awesome.

"Naked baby bump pictures. Every single day, throughout the entire pregnancy." on People Who Post Annoying Things on Facebook.

I can't imagine too many things more horrific than this. I would be unable to stay quiet. I'd probably just make comments on the pictures like: "OMG, you are HUGE for 12 weeks, what will you look like at 32 weeks??" or "Is that a stretch mark? Don't worry, it's a badge of motherhood." or "I thought your boobs would get bigger, I guess they didn't. That's too bad, it's one of the nicer side effects."

"I can usually deal with the annoying posts on Facebook, what drives me insane is when people end their thought with "Just Saying." Everyone knows you're "just saying" you just freaking said it. Apparently it is some half assed attempt at making people think that what you are saying isn't meant to be offensive...If you want to make a point, who cares what other people think! Just say it and have a backbone and deal with the backlash! Oh yeah...Just Sayin'" on I Got an Award - Twice.

I also hate this. The logical response should be WTFC? Just saying.

"RE: Unpacked boxes from seven years ago. Put them on eBay. Call them "Mystery Crates." Someone will buy them. Tell the Hubs he has to take them to the post office to ship them for you." on I Got an Award - Twice.

Another genius solution to my problems. I will be working on this over the weekend. In the meantime, all you loyal readers can have first dibs on my fabulous "Mystery Crates." Opening bid: $1 with $50 in shipping. (Those eBay sellers always screw you on the shipping so I wanted to be consistent.)

"I thought Courtney Cox named her daughter after Coco Chanel. But then I Googled and see that you are right. Face. Palm." on Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon.

My research skills are top notch - I read People and US magazines.

"I dress like a mid 1990s Eddie Bauer plus sized model right down to the sensible shoes. Best line ever. And describes me perfectly!!!:)" on Catch Up.

This is why we are soul mates and/or separated at birth. Can I borrow a cardigan?

Things I Saw This Morning That Pissed Me Off

1. 2012 "Celebrity Apprentice." No, no, no! I saw the list of "celebrities" today for the new Apprentice. Are you fucking kidding me, Donald? Half of these people haven't been "celebrities" since 1987 and the other half are a mix of D-List reality "stars," mobsters and Donald publicity plants (I'm talking about you, Miss Universe).

Don't get me wrong, being a Joisey girl myself I have to say, I love to watch a good table flip or mob hit. So I'll be watching when Teresa Giudice flips the board room table on her way out the door or when Victoria Gotti shivs Cheryl Tiegs for the win. My only complaint is, you can't call these people "celebrities."

Maybe it's time to retire this franchise. Obviously, they couldn't get anyone "good" on here. Unless they're ready to call it "Has Beens, Wanna Bes & Psychos Apprentice" this should be the last season.

2. Casey Anthony's video blog. Just seeing that bitch's face makes my blood boil. Have you seen her video? Here it is. (Don't click the link if you don't want to give her any more play.) She blathers a lot about how "surreal" her life is right now. Is it "surreal" because her kid is dead or because she got away with murder? She mentions she's adopted a dog - who the fuck let that woman have a dog? Don't they know what she did to her kid? She shouldn't be allowed to have a goldfish. She also talks about someone who has paid for her phone and a camera she received as a gift. I've said this before and I'll say it again: Anyone who sends this woman money, gifts, etc. should be shot.

I think the most irritating and disturbing thing about this video is her behavior. She acts like a fucking victim. She's totally playing it. "I'm excited I can Skype." ("I'm excited I can show losers my tits.") "Now I have someone I can talk to." ("Call me, losers and I'll show you my tits.") "I hope that things stay good and they only get better," she says wistfully. Wow, she's such a pathetic actor. My five year old does a better job looking wistful. (I think that's code for "I'm ready to pose in "Playboy" when I'm done here.") "I hate being on camera." BULLSHIT. I don't believe that for a second.

That woman is textbook sociopath and watching her gave me the chills.

3. Demi Moore is not always happy with her looks. On one hand, this is a real problem and I think I feel sorry for her. I'm trying to do better with beautiful women with low self-esteem, but I just want to shake them. It's just that I really can't imagine looking like Demi Moore and having self esteem issues. I want to scream, "YOU'RE DEMI MOORE!!! YOU'RE ALMOST 50 YEARS OLD AND YOU'RE HOTTER NOW THAN MOST OF US HAVE EVER BEEN IN OUR ENTIRE LIVES!"

My question is: Does she really suffer from bouts of low self-esteem OR is she just trying to relate to her "ordinary" fans so we won't hate her and we'll buy magazines with photo spreads of her looking fabulous?

Nothing drives me battier than beautiful women who try to say they have bad hair days too. My whole life I've had a bad hair day.

Demi says she feels like her "body is betraying" her. She's pushing 50, of course her body is betraying her. It's called aging.

4. A Kardashian Magazine. It's a sign of the Apocalypse for sure. No, I think a sign of the Apocalypse would be if the Kardashians could stay out of the press for 24 hours - what a bunch of media whores.

5. The guy who got naked at "Alvin and the Chipmunks." Here I was upset about a little bad language and ruining the Easter Bunny. Ha! It seems that it could have been worse. This guy (nice teeth) got naked during the "Alvin" movie for the promise of crack and sex.

7. $650 strollers that are being recalled. If I paid $650 for a stroller, it better change diapers, read a story to my kid and drive itself.

Instead, the front wheel sometimes locks and causes the stroller to tip over. WTF? You'd think they might check that before they sell them to people with babies.

8. Elin Nordegren leveled a $12 million house. WTF? She just bought the house and then leveled it. Essentially, she paid $12 million dollars for a LOT. Did I miss something? Was Tiger in the house when she bulldozed it?

I Got an Award - Twice

I've now received this Overlord Award twice (thanks to Selena and Mommy Rotten) and I think I'm going to have to finally acknowledge it. The problem with acknowledging these kinds of awards is that while I am deeply honored to receive the award, there are always strings attached that I find a real pain in the ass. They typically require me to be witty and pithy on demand. I don't do witty on demand very well.

But since world domination is one of my goals and the Overlord Award gets me on my way, I'll give it a go.

For this award, I have to say any three things in the world I would change if I could change anything.

Only three things? Really? Hmm....that is a tough one.

Here goes:

1. All clutter would be banished from my home.  Every flat surface in my home would magically absorb all clutter and decide if the items are worth keeping, chucking or donating and then do the appropriate action in a super duper amazingly organized fashion. With the Hubs gone this week, I am going through closets and drawers that have not seen the light of day since we moved in to this house. We have moving boxes in the storage area that never even had the tape seal broken. If I haven't needed what's in that box for 7 years, I'm not going to need it anytime soon. It's time to get rid of it.

Ugh. I feel like a very special episode of Hoarders. Only this shit means nothing to me, I'm just too lazy to actually throw it away. How many etched glass sales awards do we really need? We have a box of just random power cords. I have no idea what they go to. From where I sit right now at my desk I can see 3 leather briefcases that no one has used in at least 5 years. And, of course, laundry. BUT, I did keep my resolution today and folded it all as it finished drying. I haven't put it away yet...but I never put that in my resolutions! Small goals, remember?

2.   Celebrities would have to pass some sort of a test before they can be considered (and compensated like) a celebrity.  To be considered a "celebrity" it would require some actual talent of some kind. Ass-shaking does not count. The Kardashians, Courtney Stodden, and pretty much everyone at the E Network and the Bravo Network would not pass the test. I can't tell you how nauseating I find it when it's considered "news" that Kim Kardashian has bangs.

They would also have to pass a test before they were allowed to conceive or adopt children. Am I the only one who remembers Angelina sticking her tongue in her brother's mouth or wearing Billy Bob's blood around her neck?

3. There would be a Who The Fuck Cares? button on Facebook.  There are so many times I would love to have this button. I'm positive there are times when people would like to use it on me as well. I just think we'd all enjoy Facebook so much more if we could have this button.

"Went grocery shopping today - yams are on sale. Yum!" WTFC?
"Important: Amber Alert - missing baby. Details attached." Like
"New blog post from Jen!" a combination of WTFC? and Like

Maybe I'll just start typing WTFC? into the comments section and see if it catches on.

Me and My Kids at a PG Movie

The Hubs is pretty cheap and we rarely pay to go see movies at the theater. Sometimes I miss the theater and then I go and remember why I don't.

Yesterday my mom offered to take me and the kids to the movies. We went to the "fancy" theater that my kids have never been to.

We sounded like the Clampetts when we walked in the door.

"Whoa. Fancy!" my son exclaimed.

"Mommy! There are TWO bathrooms in this movie theater!" my daughter informed me.

The boy saw the unique self serve snack area with bottled sports drinks and salads along with soda, popcorn and candy. "Look mom! There's a grocery store in this theater!"

I really need to get the kids out a bit more.

We went to see "We Bought a Zoo." I was a little concerned, because I usually take my kids to G movies and this one was PG. I'd been assured by people who had seen this movie the day before how "perfect" it was for kids and I had no desire to sit through "The Muppets," so I took their word for it.

We got there and the theater was pretty full. We found some seats and got ready for our movie to start.

In case you can't tell from the title, the protagonist in the movie buys a zoo. So naturally there are lots of animals in the movie. Every single time an animal came on the screen, the baby sitting behind us would yell out what animal is was: "Oooh, monkey! Mama, monkey!! Lion! Rarr!"

The first time it was adorable. The second time it was not as adorable. By the 30th time all I could think was, "How much did I (my mom) pay to sit here and not hear the movie because these people were too cheap to get a sitter today?"

The baby not only told us the name of every animal that came on the screen (he got them all right, by the way - his parents must be proud of that at least) he talked loudly and cried when the movie got boring for him (no animals on screen).

From what I could tell there were 2 adults with 2 children at this movie. Why in the world did both adults need to come? Couldn't one have stayed home with the little guy? Come on, I get bringing him if they were seeing "The Muppets" or the "Chipmunks," but this was really not a little kid's movie. Maybe that was the reason why he was there. One parent was willing to take the hit to stay home and miss "The Muppets," but they both wanted to see the zoo movie?

I'm sure the wife said something like, "You know how much I love Matt Damon and Capuchin monkeys. You should stay home with him."

"Not happening. He'll need to eat and we both know I don't have what he wants. Besides, I love Cameron Crowe movies. They're so heart-warming."

"Hmmm, maybe we should just go see "The Muppets." Castor has been begging to see it since he saw the commercial a month ago."

"Ugh. I'd rather stick forks in my eyes before I see that movie."

"I just don't know if this one is appropriate for a 3 year old and an 18 month old baby."

"Eh, it will be fine. Let's go."

And go they did. They sat there and let that baby talk, yell, cry, sing, etc. for well over three quarters of that movie. FINALLY, after people four rows ahead of them started turning around and looking back at them, they got the hint and took the baby and left the theater. (I'm surprised people didn't applaud.)

They should not have been there. In fact, WE should not have been there. It was really not a little kid movie. The plot was a little much for my kids and for the last half hour the girl just kept asking when it would be over.

I specifically asked the person who recommended this movie for my kids, "Is there any noticeable bad language? They're really into learning new words these days and I'd rather not have any new ones to explain."

"Oh no, it was perfectly fine. It's Cameron Crowe! He makes such positive movies."

Uh huh. At the end of the movie, a 7 year old girl calls a man a "Dick." Loudly. Prominently.

In the quiet of the theater you could hear my 7 year old boy ask his grandmother, "What's a dick?"

My mother replied, "Ask your mother." Ugh. Someone please punch me.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's 2012 and if the Mayans are right, why the fuck am I even making a list of resolutions?

I should just max out the credit cards, stop paying the mortgage, forget the laundry, pull the kids out of school and just go where the wind takes us and wait for The End.

The problem is, I'm a scaredy cat. I'm pretty sure (well, 99% sure) that the Mayans are wrong. I think they just decided to call their calendar quits at 2012, because the guy writing it got a hand cramp. I don't really believe the world will end and I know it certainly won't end if I max out the credit cards, stop paying the mortgage, etc. I'm afraid I'll ring in 2013 wearing dirty rags for clothes, in debt up to my eyeballs, living in a tent somewhere in the Australian bush with my illiterate children (the Hubs couldn't last a night in a tent, so I'm sure he left us back when we lost the house).

So, I'd better make my list of resolutions that will be forgotten by Friday.

1. Lose weight. I just read in an article about how to keep your resolutions, that you're not supposed to say something broad like this. You're supposed to set small goals you can actually accomplish. So I'll say: Lose 5 lbs by the end of January. That shouldn't be so hard, it only took me 3 days to gain 10 lbs.

2. Be kinder to the Hubs. Too broad again. How about: Try to say "Yes" more often, when all I want to do is read a book. I know someone who says "Yes" all weekend just so she can say "No" all week and read. Maybe I could try that. That sounds easier.

3. Clean the house for 5 minutes each day. No sense being broad on that one.

4. Make enough money to have a cleaning lady come every week so I can cut back my cleaning to 2 minutes each day.

(Now, I'm getting the hang of this!)

5. Be a better mother. Nope, not going to be able to keep that one either. How about: Give one more hug and kiss each night when the kids ask for it, even though I know they're stalling; laugh at Gomer's made up jokes when he tells them to me for the 40th time in 30 minutes; let Adolpha wear her hair in 3 braids to school, because she thinks she looks badass even though I think she looks ridiculous - but NOT on picture day and tell them as often as I can how much I love them.

6. Write a book. I'm going to need to write every day. If I do this, something is going to have to give. I could give up housework. I'd better give up cooking too.

7. Fold laundry as soon as it is done drying. Ugh. That just sounds horrible. It's so much better to have a huge pile of clean laundry to dig through for underwear. No, no, no! I've got to do this. Damn! The bell on the dryer just went off. Good thing I decided I'm not starting my resolutions until tomorrow.

8. Call my friends. I can be a really crappy friend. I have some friends I haven't spoken to in a long time. I need to call them - at least once this year. That should be plenty. I'm not sure what we'd talk about if I called twice.

9. Don't do drugs - recreational or pharmaceutical. This was on a top 10 Resolutions list. It seemed easy enough since I never take drugs. (Remember? "Proudly unmedicated with the mood swings to prove it.") I wanted at least one resolution I could actually keep all year.

10. Learn something new. This was in the article I read about making small goals. I like it because it IS so broad. It could be anything and then I can just mark it off my list. Boom. Done. For instance, I just learned the capital of the Republic of Slovenia is Ljubljana. If I learn how to pronounce "Ljubljana," I will have learned TWO things!

Eh, I don't know about this resolution stuff!

This year let's all just focus on doing the best we can with what we've got, being ourselves and actually liking ourselves just the way we are, and saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

2012 is going to be the best year ever! (And possibly our last, but let's not worry about that for right now.)

Weekly Wrap Up

The weekend is here and I wanted to take this time to reply to some of the hundreds (if not thousands) of comments I've been receiving (thank you, everyone - even the silly little haters). So, I'm going to do a weekly wrap up of the top posts and respond to some of my favorite comments.

First, here were the top read posts this week:

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (Still going strong! Amazing.) This post hit over 1.2 million page views this week. Thank you so much for those of you who are continuing to share this little gem!

People Who Get Me and My Family Sick This one was a new post for this week. It's spreading like the plague!

Doggie Doo This was a new post this week too. I'm just mad I didn't think of this ridiculously funny game first.

Saying Goodbye to the Elf on the Shelf This one has been hanging on since last week. Anything about the Elf seems to be popular.

Parents Who Let Their Children Dress Sexy This was an oldie, but goodie. I wrote this one a few months ago, but I still think it's relevant and it appears a lot of readers agreed with me.

Thanks for reading and sharing!

Here are my favorite comments of the week (and my responses).

"Megalomaniac. What a great word." on Donald Trump

Thank you, it's one of my favorites. I also like to use douche canoe, jackhole, bed wetter and buck toothed as often as I can.

"Wait are those the names of your kids or just a joke?" on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

As long as I write about them in the blog, I think I will always refer to them as Gomer and Adolpha since I've been receiving backlash on calling them "the boy" and "the girl." These names are made up completely. Their birth certificates say something else entirely. I swear.

"I thought you were funny after the "Elf on the Shelf" blog, but lately you've become annoying, whiney and you're trying way too hard." on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

I appreciate the honesty and the fact you didn't post this anonymously like some others (I don't why it makes me feel better to have a name to attach to the negative comments, but it just does). Now, I hope you won't mind when I'm honest with you: Thank you for your critique. I applaud you for having the balls to challenge me. You've put it out there and I'm happy to respond. I'll try not to be whiny and annoying. It's hard, but I think I can do it.

What am I supposed to do with this information? Am I supposed to change just for you? Did I charge you fifty bucks to read this blog? Did you want your money back, is that it? Or the four minutes it took you to sit there and read it? Are you funny, witty and hilarious every day of your life? Because I'm sure not and I know that. Can you sit down every day and put this kind of shit out there for everyone to judge? Not every post is going to relate to you personally. Not every post is going to make you wet your pants or snort coffee out of your nose. Sometimes, the best I can do is to talk about my life and if only one person relates to it, I don't care, it was still a great day for me. If it is such a pain in your ass to sit there and read this blog because you think I whine or bitch or try too hard, then feel free to go elsewhere. This goes for anyone who chimed in with this person and/or who now wants to comment on this post that I need anger management, to relax, to seek counseling, etc. You may go too. The blog is not called "Rainbows & Unicorns." Read the title. I'm angry - not bitter. I'm prone to rants - not whiny. And I'm not always fucking hilarious - so bite me.

"If you dont like it dont read it. Jen I also enjoy your blog and can relate to what you are saying. Thanks!!!!" on My Super Hot Sex Dream?

Thank you to this person and all of the others who always jump to my defense whenever someone says I suck. I love all of you and it makes my day when you say I don't suck.

"I have a Facebook "friend" who created a Facebook page for her 3 year old daughter... Repeat: 3 YEARS OLD! Seriously Wtf is wrong with people?" on Got a Punch?

That is bizarre. I would unfriend this person immediately. Is she a pageant mom? It sounds like something a pageant mom would do.

"Have to agree... ALMOST in total. However, I read The Help soon after it was published and ADORED that book. I recently rented the movie when it went to DVD and am SO happy to say they stuck to the book completely!! While (as always), the book was better and had much more detail (movie time limitations are to be blamed for that...), this was one of the best adaptations ever done, I think." on Hollywood Casting Directors Who Cast the Movies of Books They Don't Read

I agree. "The Help" was done really well. I just hope they don't screw up "The Hunger Games" or there will be hell to pay.

"OMG, I'm happily married and love my man, but I have to admit, I think I love you! I can't stand it! I keep freaking laughing out loud waking people up! I'm adding you to my prayer list, cause girl, you freaking keep me going! :) much love for ya!" on People Who Get Me and My Family Sick

Thank you. I could use all the prayers I can get.

"I absolutely love reading your blog. It is spit my coffee out funny! I love your view of the world around you. Your family are lucky to have you every minute of every day! Keep up the good work!" on Don't Make Me Punch You

Thank you for the kind words and the coffee spit. I always love a good coffee spit comment. I'm lucky to have my family - they are the wind beneath my wings. (Retch.) OK, seriously, they're pretty cool.

"People who use the office microwave to heat up fish or burn popcorn. Mmm...smells great! Thanks for sharing your stench with the rest of us. People who say "See you next year!" on December 31st. Shut the fuck up! What are you, six? Get a life. People who discuss the results of their pap smear on their work phone for the whole office to hear. Sexy. People who act like they are music Gods. They know what is cool and if you've ever heard of that band, they are now lame." on Got a Punch?

I love all of these - especially the music god people - aren't they the MOST annoying jackholes? This is a great list and I will definitely be pilfering it.

"Okay, so now I am "officially" following you. Although I did "like" you a few weeks ago on FB and have been reading your blog daily since. The Elf on the Shelf blog seriously almost made me pee my pants! I had just overheard a conversation at my daughter's dance class the day before and thought the same thing you did about the crazy moms!! Thanks for the laughs and keep them coming! :-)" on People Who Read My Blog But Don't Comment and Don't "Follow" Me

That little Elf has brought me so much love and I am truly grateful for all of you new Followers. What I don't get is the blog has 29,000 "Likes" on Facebook, why aren't all those Likers now Followers? I need more Followers. Spread the word, would ya?

"How about people who buy miniature pigs to keep as pets in their house and put diapers on them? That may just be a southern thing though but I think it's stupid as hell and deserves a good punch." on Got a Punch?

I am going to have to do some research on this one! I have never heard of such a thing, but it sounds like something right up my alley. I'll warn you though, I do have a soft spot for pigs (I wanted a pot belly pig when they were hot back in the 90s) and if I find out they're adorable in their little diapers, I might just get one and put pictures of it on the blog.