Well Done, Angelina

Like the rest of the world, I woke up yesterday morning to the news that Angelina Jolie had written an OpEd in the New York Times detailing her decision to have a double mastectomy as a precaution against cancer.

I had a lot of thoughts on this one.

I'm not a huge fan of Angelina. I've blogged about her before and I've always been Team Jennifer (Aniston) vs. Team Angelina, BUT I think that what she's done is really commendable. She took control of her body and her health and made some really important decisions. She has a truckload of kids she needs to take care of and she's putting them first and she wants to be around to see her grandkids.

Plus, she got a whole new discussion about breast cancer started and I think any discussion about breast cancer is a good one.

I was disappointed to find out that the test she took to determine she carries the BRCA gene mutation costs $3,000 and is often denied coverage by insurance companies. I know that she's speaking out about her surgery and today she allowed her doctor to share information about her medical treatment. Her doctor indicated that women with a high risk can typically get this test covered. I've been hearing some horror stories of women who have been denied though. I hope the next step is for Angelina to wield her power and take on the insurance companies and pressure them to cover this test.

I was shocked and surprised like everyone else. I'm not sure why, though. It's not like Angelina and I are tight and I see her every day. I don't know why I feel like it was any of my business what Angelina and her boobs have been up to. I was also surprised that she underwent such an invasive surgery. Especially, when she's so well known for her figure. The fact that she would do this and then share her story with the world, tells me that it was not a decision she took lightly.

And then last night, I got pissed. I was trolling around reading stuff on the 'net last night when I stumbled upon tons and tons of assholes who were RIP-ing Angelina's breasts. WTF is wrong with people? First, there were the dickheads mourning Brad's "loss" (as if Angelina's breasts were his property) and then there were the bitches coming out of the wood work blaming Angelina's karma. This sort of thing just infuriates me. It just shows that this world (or maybe it's just Twitter) is populated by idiots and douchebags.

I read today that some doctors are concerned that Angelina's story might encourage more women to have preventative mastectomies that aren't necessary in early stage breast cancers. You know what? These are my breasts and if I have cancer (even early stage) and I want to lop them off so I can sleep better at night knowing that my cancer risks are lowered, then I'll do it. They're not that important to me. My breast don't define me. I believe that Angelina really did her research and figured out a medical plan that was best suited to her. I admire her for empowering other women in the same situation. I'm not a high risk for breast or ovarian cancer, but if I was, you better believe I'd get that test done - even if I had to put it on a credit card.

At the end of all this controversy  I see a mom who cares enough about herself and her family to make a life changing decision that will affect her family and career for the rest of their lives. I applaud her choice and I think she does not deserve a punch in the throat.

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Abercrombie & Fitch

Wow. My mind was blown today. A friend sent me this article about Abercrombie & Fitch.

Do you remember shopping there when you were in college? I sure do. (Do they still smell like a junior high dance where the boys put on waaaay too much of dad's cologne and they play the music so loud you might get permanent hearing loss?) In fact, I think I still have my classic Abercrombie sweatshirt in my closet. Well, apparently, we shopped at A&F back when they were selling "fuddy duddy" clothes. (That sounds about right for me. I have rarely been on the cutting edge of fashion.) Nowadays, A&F has this total jackhole, Mike Jeffries, running the company and he's doing a really kick ass job (stock price is up, sales are up, new stores everywhere, blah, blah, blah) and he has a secret to his success: he only hires beautiful, thin "cool kids" so that they will only attract other beautiful, thin "cool kids" to shop at his stores, because he doesn't want losers even setting a hairy, fugly foot in his hallowed halls. And just in case the message didn't get through to the uncool, the ugly, and the fat people that there is nothing here for you, Mike wants to make it clear that you're not welcome and so he has decreed that the women's clothing line will not carry clothing bigger than a size L or 10.

“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,” he told [Salon.com]. “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely." - Mike Jeffries

When I first read this article, I didn't know if I was more impressed with the fact that Jeffries owns his asshole ways or if I was more disgusted that he's such a fucking dickhead who is desperately trying to hold on to his glory days of high school. (Actually, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mikey was a total la-hooo-zer back in the day. Look at how hard he's fought for those bulging biceps and how much he's paid for those sun-kissed locks - and eyebrows WTF? - and bee-stung lips. He looks like a genetically engineered geriatric douchebag.) He's an absolute creeper and I don't care how much he owns his actions, they're unacceptable.

I'm a dick, duude, but I'm OK with that, because I'm a coooool dick who hates losers and fat people. 

When we have young women all over this country suffering from poor body image, I am disgusted that companies like this exist and are flourishing. A size 10 is big?? And it's not just the girls either. I've spent enough summers at the public pool to know that the average teenage boy doesn't have the chiseled body featured in A&F's steamy ad campaigns. (Luckily, they do make men's XL clothes, though, mostly to cater to the beefier athletes.)

For Jeffries to come right out and say his company philosophy is to be "exclusionary" makes me want to scream and burn my (Size XL) Abercrombie sweatshirt in effigy and break things (preferably a display of polo shirts at my local A&F). I am trying to raise children in this world who have a sense of self worth (that doesn't come from their stupid fucking jeans) and he continues to do what ever he can to make children feel excluded. Yes, teenagers are still children. And when a major company tells a teenager that they're not worthy of shopping at their store because her ass is too big what does that say to her? Believe me, she's already self conscious about that ass, she doesn't need Abercrombie & Fitch telling her that she's too horrible to buy a pair of their jeans. Nice work, dickhead.

In the 1990s Jeffires took over a dying company that sold "fuddy duddy" clothes and turned it into the Mecca of Morons. Reading the articles and looking through the photos of Jeffries and his young employees, made me feel sick to my stomach. This company embodies everything I despise. Ignorant, selfish, entitled, foolish, arrogant, elitist assholes who sit around with their fellow douchey "dudes" in their perfectly (identically) ripped jeans and their stupid fucking racist/sexist t-shirts with gems like "Tig Ole Bitties" and "Two Wongs Make a White" and yuk it up about raiding mommy's medicine cabinet or maxing out daddy's credit card while their asshole parents neglect them to spend time on the slopes or at the beach.

These are the same kids who tweet racist shit and tell their sorority sisters to stop being so fucking boring when frat boys are around. These are the same kids who received Participation Awards for every fucking thing in their lives and have that shit lined up on a shelf in their room, because that reminds them that they're precious snowflakes. These are the same kids who kill referees at soccer games. I hate these people more than you know.

My children are not old enough to grace the abs-infested aisles of A&F just yet, but the first time either of my kids asks for anything from this store, I will say Hell Fucking No. I realize that won't matter much to Mr. Jeffries. After all, I'm way too old, fat, short, and ugly to be allowed in his store. (I'm surprised he doesn't have bouncers at the door to turn away people like me.) He doesn't care what I think, because I'm not his clientele. Well, that's too bad, because he should care about me and other mothers like me. I am a mother who will influence and educate my kids about shopping consciously. I will raise kids like these girls who "girlcott" places like A&F. I will explain to my kids that we don't support companies that sexualize teens or marginalize people. We will put our money where our mouths are and we will buy our perfectly distressed $100 jeans ANYWHERE else, but A&F.

A&F can kiss my fat ass!

If you have not watched this video, check it out.  Greg has a great solution to dealing with AF clothes. #fitchthehomeless.

UPDATE: A Change.org Petition has been started asking Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries to Stop telling teens they aren't beautiful; make clothes for teens of all sizes! You can sign it here.

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Weekly Wrap Up 5.5.13

This week has been crazy busy. In fact, I think this is just going to be my life for the next several months. If you didn't read my BIG news from last week, let me fill you in. I signed a publishing contract with Random House and I have two books coming out in a year and a half. That means it's time for Jen to get cracking. I've got my kids in school for about four more weeks so I need to hit it hard while they're gone all day and my house is empty and sort of silent (the Hubs is still here and I can hear him breathing). That means I'll probably be a bit quiet around here for a little while.  Don't despair, though. I say I'll be quiet, but you know you can't shut me up even if you wanted to.

Speaking of shutting me up, I will be performing live and on stage (oh shit) next Saturday at the Unity Temple on the Plaza. That's right, it's finally time for Listen to Your Mother. We practiced today and it's going to be a great show. I can't tell you what I'm going to read, but I can promise you that you will laugh at mine. And then you'll cry a little and laugh some more and nod along in agreement and you might even shout "Amen!" (we will be in a church after all ) when my fellow cast mates get up there to read their fantastic pieces. Tickets are $12 in advance and $15 at the door. I hope you'll come and support us. It's going to be a great night.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Douchey Dads - This was an oldie, but goody. I know that DDs can be found in just about every town, city, suburb across the land, so I know you all can relate this one.

Adolpha Gives Me Advice on Love - My daughter the sage. For a girl who never wants to get married or have kids, this girl sure pays a lot of attention to relationships. (Maybe this is why she never wants to get married or have kids!) Thanks to her, I've stepped up my game.

Rebecca Martinson - The Crazy Delta Gamma - Rebecca blew her fucking top and it will probably haunt her for many years. This is a fucking cautionary tale to the youth.

Some BIG News - Yeah, I told you the news already at the beginning of this post. Still worth a read though. Thanks to everyone for their kind comments!

Book News:

I Just Want to Pee Alone is doing grrrrrreat. My co-authors and I are thrilled with the response. Thanks to everyone who has bought a copy - or two - or ten! If you haven't left us a review on Amazon yet, please do so. We need them so we can feel pretty. If you haven't bought the book yet, you really need to. This is a great book for Mother's Day. Especially if your mother has a sense of humor. This is also a perfect baby shower gift. I'm going to a shower next weekend and you can bet she's going to get a copy.

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):

Words have meanings. Rebecca Martinson knew what she was saying, and she also thought she was entitled enough to say them without experiencing a negative response. But I can't think of a person alive who would LIKE to be viciously scolded in front of and along with a house full of twenty or thirty roommates (or howevermany), and find it even less of a probability that one of those scolded wouldn't take some kind of retributive action. I do kind of feel bad for her, but not because she's been kicked out of her house and has become an internet pariah. I think she's earned that. I feel bad for her because she's got a lot of unresolved crazy-making rage issues (just read the screen shots of her (now defunct) Twitter feed), and that can't be an easy way to live. But don't worry about her! Surely in a year or so she'll be a reality TV star, happily demonstrating her knack for the cunt-punt on a national basic cable network (I'm looking at you, TLC; maybe a road show with her and Honey on Rebecca Martinson - The Crazy Delta Gamma 

As sad as it sounds, I'd probably watch that show. Damn it, I'm such an idiot!

Congratufuckinglations! haha! Way to go! One question: did you have that same mouth at five? on Some BIG News

You know I did, motherclucker. Don't forget to bring the cock 'n candy next week to Listen to Your Mother!

As someone who knew you back when you were just my funny as shit wisecracking IRL friend I am couldn't be more excited and a bit proud! As women we need to support each other in our post-motherhood goals and I am happy to have been an original fan of the blog who helped get the word out! on Some BIG News

Rebecca Martinson - The Crazy Delta Gamma

I've been kind of busy, so I'm a little late to the party about the sorority girl from Maryland who wrote this scathing email to her sorority sisters. WARNING! Her email makes me sound like a sweet mouthed angel. If you can't fucking handle some adult fuckity fuck fucking fuck language then you can't read her email.

OK, so have you read it? Had you heard about this one yet? Well, in case you've been on a deserted island for the past two weeks I'll bring you up to speed. So, this girl was pissed off at her fellow Delta Gamma sisters because she'd heard through the Greek grapevine they were being “so fucking boring” when they hung out with the (allegedly) amazeballs Sigma Nu so she wrote them an email that would make me blush and basically told them to stop being so fucking boring or else she'd “cunt punt” them (her words, not mine, but they're kind of brilliant, no?) across campus as well as assault them or something like that.

It was a big brouhaha, because one of her dear sisters leaked the email to the media and everyone went wild and wanted this chick's blood.

Now, I have to say when I first read the email, I laughed my ass off. It's actually kind of funny. Her rage is so out of control it's comical. Also, you can almost feel her spittle on your face when she says stuff like:

"I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?" 

She is like a rabid toddler with a trucker's vocabulary! She probably was like this when she was a toddler, "SHARING SUCKS AND I WILL CUT THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKER WHO TRIES TO TAKE MY SNACK!! FUCK YOU, GET YOUR OWN COOKIES."

Everyone was so freaked out by this girl and her fucking craziness, but I was kind of torn on the email initially. I didn't mind the language (duh - or should I say durr) and I kind of understood where she was coming from. I've been in charge of many a group of apathetic people and there have been so many times I would have loved to send an email in a similar vein. Can you imagine being in charge of the school carnival and no one wants to work at it, because they're all “too busy” or better yet, they “want to enjoy the carnival with their kids” and meanwhile you haven't seen your family in weeks, because you've been planning the fucking thing so that they can go and have fun with their kids?? Yeah, my guess is the school carnival organizer would like to send an email much like this one and tell parents to get off their asses and help her or else the fucking carnival will be cancelled and they can call Krustee the Clown and tell him he won't be making his rent this month.

BUT, the carnival organizer never sends that email, because she realizes that as much as she'd love to go scorched earth on everyone, that is never going to accomplish anything. So instead, she just sits home and dreams of writing emails like this while she works the phones looking for more suckers to work the Dunk Tank.

Now, what I didn't like was the fact that this girl was yelling at her sisters, because a bunch of douche bag frat boys complained that they were “boring.” Uh … fuck you, frat boy, go entertain yourself. I've never been in a sorority (I know, surprise, surprise) for many reasons, but if I knew that one of the job descriptions was to keep douche bags "entertained" then I'm glad I never joined one, because I would have failed miserably. This is 2013, right? Because this complaint sounds like something right out of Mad Men. Actually, I know it's 2013, because these asshats issues their complaints via text message.

So, basically, this girl yelled at her sorority sisters, because a bunch of d-bags texted her and said her sisters were boring and then she turned around and wrote an email that ripped them all new ones, stitched them back up, and then ripped them again. Um, yeah, haven't you heard, Rebecca? Chicks before dicks. You don't ream your girls because they didn't adequately entertain a bunch of fucking morons. And the more I think about it “boring” is probably fucking douche code for “she wouldn't suck my dick, man.”

But, what sealed the deal for me and made me despise this girl, was my friend Rantsfrom Mommyland's post where she included racist and hateful text messages from our sweet sorority girl. Whoa.This shit just got real. This isn't funny anymore. This girl really IS nuts.

I just need to ask this girl: ARE YOU FUCKING RACIST AND INSANE, REBECCA?? Are you? This isn't a rhetorical question, you dumb fucking cunt. What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a baby? Were you? Because I think you might have been. You should probably make an appointment with a fucking neurologist get your fucking brain checked, because you are a complete and total twat waffle.  

This bitch has offended just about every one you can. She's a spoiled, arrogant little piece of shit who really deserves all of the hate that she's received these last couple of weeks over the internet (and hopefully in person). No wonder one of her sisters leaked the email! Reading Rants from Mommyland and the girl's text messages made me realize that this bitch wasn't just some tired, overworked, and under appreciated girl like my imaginary carnival organizer. Nope, this a cunt who needs a punt.

If you want to see a hilarious reading of the post, check out Michael Shannon doing his reading.

Michael Shannon Reads the Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Letter from Michael Shannon      

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Some BIG News

So, remember when I told you it was a big week last week? I appeared on TV for the first time and I had my first book signing ever. Well, guess what? I have even BIGGER news for today. HUGE, I tell ya. HUGE.

I sold two books to Random House! Like, for real money! Not free Swiffers or a coffee mug (which is usually the currency I am offered for my writing). They are giving me American dollars! (I would have even accepted British pounds.) Crazy, right??

The first one: People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Telling It Like It Is (yeah, that's probably not what the publisher will let me call it, but a girl can dream) will be out in Spring 2014 and then, hold onto your knickers, because Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat will be released in December 2014!!

Yep. They're re-releasing the Holidays book. But this time it's going to be bigger, better, faster (OK, not faster). I've got new chapters that I'm adding along with some new pictures.

Just think. If you have the current edition it's almost like having a collector's item. It could be worth fifty cents at your garage sale now instead of a quarter!

I've taken down the Holidays book from Amazon, et al. because I would feel like shit if someone bought it today and then read this and was like, "Well, I just wasted my money."

At 41 years old, the dreams and goals of a five-year-old girl are finally coming true. (Yep, I've wanted to see my book in a book store since I was five.) It took a long time, but it's finally here and I'm over the moon with excitement, joy, and gratitude. Thank you to all of YOU who have supported me, read me, left me comments, bought my books, left me reviews, referred a friend to me, shared me on Facebook, blogs, Twitter, message boards, Pinterest, and anywhere else you can share.

http://www.emilymcdowell.com

Weekly Wrap Up 4.28.13

Whoa. What a week, you guys! I just finally got through all of the comments from this week. You guys are on fire!! Between Gwyneth and whether or not kids should have privacy, you had a lot to say!

I was a bit busy too. I made my television debut Friday to promote I Just Want to Pee Alone. Ack!!! Stacey from Nurse Mommy Laughs arranged for us to be on a local morning show this week. I was terrified. There is a reason why I write and I don't act. I was reading through all of the information about appearing on the show and they gave some helpful tips about what and what not to do. For instance, they recommended you wear bright colors. I just couldn't do that. Instead I chose to go with black and white, EVEN after their suggestion that black and white do not do well on TV. I'm not afraid to live on the edge like that. And when you watch the segment, you'll see that Stacey follows directions really well. She was in turquoise. Our host was in purple. Can you imagine if I'd thrown a pink in there? We would have looked like a basket of Easter eggs. I did wear a little sparkle though. I was wild!

Another suggestion that was made was to wear more makeup than usual. Well, since I don't wear much at all, I knew that meant A LOT more than usual. I was worried that I'd end up looking like a river boat madame or an escapee from clown college if I didn't get some professional help. On Thursday I spent two hours (and a hundred bucks) at the makeup counter in Macy's. The wonderfully patient and kind Karem taught me to apply just enough makeup to look a bit like a whore in person, but just right on television. It's a delicate balance, yo.

My daughter was mesmerized by my new look and couldn't get over how many products it took to look this good (not to mention the HOUR it took me to apply it). I think I've convinced her that lipgloss is good enough. My job is done.

Karem had to pull out all the stops and went for the BIG tray of eyeshadows.

When we arrived at the studio, we found out that Cindy Williams AKA "Shirley Feeney" was going to be on the show. Oh. My. God. Schlemiel schlimazel hasenpfeffer incorporated!! To a little girl of the 70s those zany broads were awesome! They empowered a whole generation with their theme song. I dare you not to sing it now. "We're gonna do it!!"

When she arrived I went all fan girl and goofy and said something like "Thank you for being funny and for empowering little girls." Basically, I just vomited sunshine and rainbows all over her, because I am an idiot. I am such an idiot that when we gave her a copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone and she asked us to sign it for her, I signed it to "Shirley." Yeah. I did that. Annnnd, it wasn't until that night when I finally watched the show and I saw the title bar come up under her picture saying "Cindy Williams" that I screamed, "Cindy???? Cindy???? Her name is is Cindy?!!! I did NOT write Cindy in that book. Oh shit. I signed it to 'Shirley'."

Soooo ... on the off chance you're reading this Ms. Williams, all I can say is, "Whoops. Sorry about that."

On Saturday (I told you it was a busy week!) I saw Stacey yet again (Are you sick of me yet, Stacey?) for my very first book signing. We were joined by Tara of You Know it Happens at Your House Too who found people kind enough and crazy enough to take her five kids for the weekend so she and Farmer Bob could trek it up to the Big City for a long weekend. It was a blast. We had a great turnout and we drank way too many mimosas.

I even bought new Lady Bic pens, because I thought they would help me come up with something more intelligent to write than, "Good stuff in here!"

GIVEAWAY WINNER!!!

I wrote a review for Moms Who Drink and Swear, Scary Mommy, and Crappy Pictures. I also promised I'd give a copy of each of their books to one lucky winner.

The winner is ::drum roll::

Shauna BApril 22, 2013 at 6:32 PM

Who wants to teach their kids how to have a stick stuck up their a$$ all their lives? Not me! You have to have a healthy sense of humor to parent because it's over in the blink of an eye and you'll be the a-hole parent who was more concerned with "proper" parenting than letting the kids have ice cream for dinner when it's 95 degrees and laughing at their arm fart noises. Besides, parenting is more fun when you laugh.
P.S. I love to read. I love moms with snarky humor and non stepford children. I love PIWTPITT. (Did that earn me enough points or should I keep going?)

Congratulations, Shauna B!!! Please email me at sweetsadiecreations@gmail.com to claim your prizes.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy - Parenting is hard and this right here is one of the reasons why. It's so difficult to know what is the right answer. We can just do our best.

Gwyneth Paltrow - Remember those commercials where that model would say, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" ? I feel like this is what Gwyneth keeps saying. I don't hate Gwyneth because she's beautiful, I can't stand her because she is an overachieving mother on crack. She raises the bar so high that NO ONE can reach it.

Ryan Lochte and his Mom - Jeah, this d-bag got his own television show this week. I haven't seen it yet, but once I do, you know there will be a review.

Lotus Birth Bags - One more way to out mom each other is to carry around your placenta in a stylish, yet functional bag!

Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

Well... I think she's pretty, and I think she does a good job acting usually. That's about where my thinking of her ends. If she was my friend and did all that is claimed, I would force margaritas down her throat until she snapped out it. How bout the earrings on goop for $1250? One is a safety pin and one is the word "love"-they're both 18k - you'd think for $1250 they could've manage to eek out 2 "love" earrings. on Gwyneth Paltrow

I finally stopped reading those magazines because they are horseshit. I only like that one section they all have - "Stars: Just Like Us". It makes me laugh. Because apparently giving the nanny the day off and taking their own kid to the park makes them just like us peasants. I feel like it's worth noting that my husband doesn't think Gwynnie is pretty. But he tells me that I am all the time. So, he's pretty awesome. Or blind. I'm kind of torn on this one. on Gwyneth Paltrow

Exactly! I hate those sections! "Look at Halle Berry. She chews gum! She is just like us!" or "Look at Hugh Jackman. He swims in the ocean with his kids sometimes! Wow, what a fantastic dad! Just like us!" 

I am sorry, but I have a total soft spot for Sliding Doors. John Hannah is adorable in that movie and I love the whole premise. In fact, my junior and senior years in college, it was on near constantly in my dorm. That being said, she does sound like a total douche, but she grew up in the biz, so I'm sure that contributed to it. on Gwyneth Paltrow

I do too! I think this is why I feel so betrayed by crazy Gwyneth. Between Sliding Doors and Emma I was a fan big time. I loved those two movies and I loved her in them. 

This actually just reads as a jealous, close-minded, ignorant asshole. You many pass judgement but God forbid anyone point that mirror back to you. In reality this is just one step above mean girl status; actually it is mean girl status. You are downing someone who lives differently from you solely because you don't understand their lifestyle? Does it make you feel better about your life? I hope you're proud. And no, I'm not a GP fan. on Gwyneth Paltrow 

Meow. Saucer of milk, table for two? You just devoted so much anger and bitterness towards a decision People magazine made. Don't call someone out for their pathetic "first world problems" without admitting you've got them, too. I do love reading your blog, but this one seems unnecessarily...something. I'm not a huge Gwen fan, but speculating on her when I don't have any idea about who she really, truly is feels like a waste of time. on Gwyneth Paltrow 

These were two of my favorite negative comments. I'm always "jealous." It can never be anything but jealousy. I'm just a jealous, jealous harpy of a woman. I sit around all day just being jealous. 

That's bullshit. I am not jealous of Gwyneth's life. I do not have any desire to work out for two hours a day with nothing for sustenance except a muffin made from tree bark and gravel. I have no desire to be married to a rock star who constantly tours and has panties thrown at him. I do not want to hang out with Beyonce and Jay-Z. I will admit, to a TINY twinge of jealousy when she gets to kiss Robert Downey, Jr. That little hunky fella has been on my list since middle school!

I didn't even need to address these comments, because I have awesome readers who "get" me and always defend me so much better than I could defend myself:

Of course Jen is happy to hear alternating viewpoints. But you don't seem to have one. Your viewpoint appears to be that b/c Jen wrote the article disagreeing with the pick and explaining her reasons why, in true PIWTPITT fashion, she is bitter and angry. She is angry, I guess, that People would choose someone who seems out of touch with the readership of the magazine. Jen very clearly makes fun of herself throughout this article (in fact, in most of her posts), she never acts like she doesn't have 'first-world problems.' By all means, disagree. But at least offer up an opinion on the topic, as opposed to just being upset or offended that a snarky blog is actually snarky. on Gwyneth Paltrow

I don't know why people think your blog is so funny. I find it just downright mean and very judgemental. Guess it's not for everyone. on Douchey Dads

It certainly isn't. Glad you figured that out before you wasted any more of your precious time on me and my blog. Thanks for letting me know too that I'm mean and judgmental. It was really kind of you. Not at ALL mean and/or judgmental. Just, y'know, friendly and helpful. Thanks. I needed that honest and open communication from you so that I can go ahead and tell you to go fuck yourself.

Bra-vo, Jen, bra-vo! This is so right on. What if the Columbine parents had gone into their sons' rooms? Would all of those kids have died? I am raising four boys. Boys give you a one word answer which is usually "fine" or "nothing." You better believe if I feel more information is needed I will seek it myself. I am not their friend - I am their mom. It is my job to raise them as decent human beings and to keep them safe. I will go to any means necessary to do that. As a person who struggled with depression in high school and who would never open up to my parents, I WISH my mom would have read my diary. Then I could have gotten the help I was too afraid to ask for. on Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

While I normally come to this blog for your sarcastic sense of humor. This entry was very serious, but also the best one I have read yet. I am single full time Dad of 3 and I agree with EVERY WORD you wrote. on Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

I don't agree at all that by monitoring your kids' internet and cell phone usage or by reading their diaries that you're teaching them to snoop. There's a hell of a big difference between a parent checking up on their kids, and a kid just being nosy. Part of teaching your kid respect is teaching them what behavior is acceptable of what people and under what circumstances. As a kid I heard my parents swearing, and my dad would have the occasional after-work beer. That in no way meant that I, a child, felt that I should be knocking back a beer after a rough day on the playground, cussing, or digging through my mom's dresser drawers (not that I wanted to do that...bras, terrifying!). As long as I'm fully liable for the actions of the small person living in my home, guess what kid? Your shit, which is actually MY shit that I let you use, is all fair game. Deal with it. on Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

Well this is a tough one indeed. I think the reality is that most people will find a balance for their families. A person's thoughts are their own and I would not be able to express myself honestly if I knew I was being monitored and I wouldn't want to take that creative impulse away from someone else. However, online communication changes things and situations can get out of hand quickly. The final question remains for me - what happens when we are no longer watching the children? We can't monitor their behavior forever. Are they only good because they fear we will find out? on Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

Yours are the types of questions that keep me up at night. I'm just trying to do this right and not screw it up. Thanks for your comment. 

I completely understand and respect where you're coming from, but I have to disagree with you -- at least partially. I'm 17, and I have a very good relationship with my parents. They let me have a great deal of privacy, and trust me to come to them if I need help with something. I trust both of my parents, and they trust me. And because they trust me, I am very open with them -- I have nothing to hide. And I actually ENJOY coming to them with stuff, they give good advice! :P What I'm trying to say is this: there's something to be said about raising your kids to be comfortable sharing things with you, the parent. A child/parent relationship built on mutual respect and trust is a pretty great thing -- and it's something that never would have developed if I caught my mom reading my text messages or journal. And take it from me, being super nosey and controlling won't get you anywhere; your kids will just get sneakier. on Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

I love that I have so many young, articulate, and amazing young women who read this blog and who love to disagree with me. This is the second comment from a teenager I've featured this month who told me they thought I was wrong. These girls are badass! It sounds like you have your shit together and you've got a great relationship with your parents. Good for you! I want to meet your mom and dad!  

The one time my husband peeped my stepdaughter's diary, she was about 7. She had written a whole entry about how much she looked up to her stepmom, the liar. She said she might want to be a liar herself one day, because of my example. My husband about pissed himself laughing. Gratified as I was that she thought so highly of me, we did find a way to subtly let her know that it is l-a-w-y-e-r. onWhy My Children Have No Right to Privacy

This made me laugh so hard. I just had to include it this week. What a great story to tell her someday. 

Gwyneth Paltrow

Did you hear the news? Gwyneth Paltrow has been named People magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in All the Land or something like that. Ugh, please. Anyone but her.

First, let me get the obvious out of the way. Yes, yes, yes, she's gorgeous. It is nearly impossible to believe that we are the same age. I swear she's got a portrait in a closet somewhere that looks like a dried out fish monger's wife. (Dorian Gray, anyone?? Or is the only gray you read 50 Shades??)

Let's just compare me and Gwyneth: her skin is ah-may-zing compared to my skin which defies nature as it is both chalky and sun damaged. Gwyneth's (presumably, since she's never let me get close enough to touch it) soft and wrinkle-free face actually gives me a visual aid for when magazines describe "glowing" and "dewy" complexions. I understand what those words means now. Gwyneth's long, silken tresses beg to be touched, while my mousy graying hair actually looks sharp to the touch and is currently so short, my daughter accused me of being a man the other day. Gwyneth's body. Do I even have to say it? When you're 5'9" like Gwynnie, you're already leaps and bounds ahead of the average woman. Her legs are as long as my entire body.

I suppose we could all look like Gwyneth if we bought her number one selling cookbook (who the hell is buying this thing??) that dishes up recipes completely devoid of: meat, soy, wheat, gluten, coffee, dairy, alcohol, sugar, shellfish, potatoes, tomatoes, bell peppers, eggplant, corn, or anything processed. I'm not sure what that leaves? Raw leafy greens washed down with coconut water (she didn't expressly forbid tap water, but I'm assuming that's a big no no when you're on a "clean diet")? Actually, in her cookbook she mentions a salad she enjoys: arugula with maple syrup because the syrup adds an "another layer of autumnal yum!"

Mmm .. autumnal yum! Just needs a little more maple syrup!

When you break down her daily menus in her book, it's been estimated that a day's worth of "Gwynnie Food" will cost you $300 and you'll still go to bed hungry. A small price to pay, I guess, to be named Most Beautiful.

OK, so she's beautiful and if we're just judging on looks alone, then I guess she wins. BUT, come on, People. She's so faux, her behavior actually forced me to write the word "faux." She used to be normal back in the day and then it's like the lack the of sugar and alcohol drained her of all her normal human personality traits and now she's some bizarro vegan Stepford Wife who spouts nonsense like, "I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year" when she doesn't even behave like somebody who makes $250,000 a year. She brags about making films that "... will be interesting and that have integrity. I hate those tacky, pointless, big, fluffy, unimportant movies" and then she makes movies like Iron Man 1, 2, and 3 and The Avengers. (All super important movies.)

How could you choose her, People? Do you know your audience? Your audience is people like me: wrinkled people with easy hairdos who have barely heard of Veganaise, let alone eaten it. I'm never going to drink Gwyneth's green morning energy drink. I just read a review that described it as tasting like "the water from your salad spinner" and that was the kindest review I could find. A quick glance at her asinine website Goop, proves that she is so out of touch with reality she is like a modern day Marie Antoinette living in her palatial London spread saying ridiculous things like everyone should have a wood burning pizza oven in their garden. (BTW, what sort of pizza is she making without wheat, tomatoes, or peppers? Answer: Pizza that tastes like ass.) She lives in such a bubble where she she really believes she is just a normal "mum" who would "die" if she let her kids eat Cup-a-Soup. She is a normal mum who is married to a rock star, who eats nothing but tree bark and salad spinner water while living in her multi, multi, multi-million dollar properties and selling shit online like a like a must-have $298 robe that she touts is perfect for "lazy days."

Of course she does. This is someone who has been besties with Madonna (who also fancies herself a Brit and was once caught on tape saying she "absolutely loathes hydrangeas" just after a devoted fan gave her hydrangeas) and now Beyonce ("Queen B" as I'm sure Bey prefers Gwynnie call her) has assumed the BFF role. Poor Gwyneth doesn't have a chance to be normal when she surrounds herself with people like Beyonce who is so upset about the unflattering, snarling photos taken of her fierce performance at the Super Bowl that now all professional photographers except for the one she's hired are banned from her current tour. Gwyneth is a woman whose first world problems include asshole concierges in Paris hotels who don't give her the real skinny on the good organic wine bars and the best place to get a Brazilian. (Who is in Paris long enough to need a Brazilian while you are still on vacation???)

No, People magazine, I think you missed the mark on this one. You've actually created a monster. The humble bragging has already begun. Gwyneth said, "I honestly thought someone was playing a joke on me."

Yes, Gwyneth, I thought the same thing when I heard the news.

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