Apparently, it's a thing to carry your days old placenta around in an adorable sack. WTF, placenta lovers?? Can't you people just discard it as medical waste like the rest of us??? Actually, I don't know if this is a placenta lover thing ("The placenta is special and should be kept for all time!") or if this is just one more way to accessorize and/or decorate everything in our lives ("Oh my God, how cute! An ah-may-zing bag for our placenta, honey!!") or if this is a competimom thing:
"I gave birth in a bath tub in my living room surrounded by friends, family, neighbors, three midwives, a Druid Priest, and an astrologer, during a full moon. I delivered in complete silence except for the sounds of the musicians we'd hired to play the pan flute while using only acupuncture to control my pain."
"Yes, I did all of those things too, but then I carried Azriella's placenta for 10 days in a hand made bag we got from an old woman we met and bonded with on our cross country journey through Guatemala when I was seven months pregnant with her."
"Son of a bitch!"
Look, I get the whole waiting a few extra minutes before cutting the cord so the baby can get those last drops of cord blood, but once you reach the one hour mark, you are just carrying around a rotting organ.
And once again a Ziploc bag or a Tupperware bowl just will not do! Apparently that plastic shit makes your placenta smell and rot. Yeah, that's what's doing it. So instead, if you've got some money left over after buying your ah-dor-able birth wreath, you need to fork over some dough and get yourself a Lotus Bag.
A Lotus Bag is a gorgeous cotton-lined bag with drawstrings and usually some sort of I Am Earth Mother Hear Me Roar picture on the front like a hearty oak tree or a dove or something like that. So instead of cutting the cord, you wrap your placenta in absorbent cloths and place it in the bag. Oh, did I mention that it's a good idea to bathe your placenta in a salt bath too? It helps cut down on odor and it speeds up the drying process. Within a few days (around 3 to 10!!!) the cord will naturally detach from your baby and then you use the included herbs and salt to dry out the placenta (still in your gorj Lotus Bag) and then you save it for all eternity to pass down to family members or something like that. Just what you want to show his first girlfriend some day. "Would you like to see Gomer's dried out placenta?"
Oh, and let me just say something to those who say the placenta only smells a bit "musky." Bullshit. I got up close and personal with Gomer's placenta and let me tell you, that was one of the funkiest things I've ever smelled. And I have smelled a lot of funky things, including but not limited to: a hole in the floor where the entire female population of a university does its business, a freezer that quit working in the dead of summer loaded with beef, and a house that had a water leak that no one discovered for a week. All of those were better than the placenta!
OK, let me just wrap my head around this for a minute. I give birth to my baby. My doctor says, "Do you have your bag?" Of course! She wraps the placenta in absorbent cloths and drops it in the bag. Plop. I get home with my newborn that I'm trying to carry around and I have to sling his placenta over my shoulder everywhere I go. (Luckily, the makers of the Lotus Bag got smarter as they went along and made longer handles. The first ones were a nightmare!) Now it's time to bathe my baby. Careful, Hubs! You almost kneeled on his placenta! Baby's done, but what is that smell?? Right. The placenta. It hasn't been bathed in a day or so. Here, Hubs, hold the baby while I bathe our placenta, because I didn't want a shower today, I'd rather spend my extra 10 minutes on this shit. Meanwhile, it seems like the placenta has been hanging around a long time. What day are we on? Day seven?? I thought this was only supposed to be a three day thing. Of course, I really need to get to Target, but I can't go with my baby's cord swinging. What is that smell?? Shit, I think I need to bathe the placenta again!!
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