Open Letter to Elizabeth Lloyd

If you missed this story, read about it here.  I had to write a letter to this Asshat.

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been hearing a lot about you lately.  Don't worry, I assure you, none of it's good.  I've been hearing about the fact that you've decided to bring several lawsuits against a little kid who hit you with a ball at a Little League game.  People feel very strongly about this fact and I've come to realize the general consensus is that everyone thinks you're a piece of shit.


Wow.  What do you think of that?  Do you think the public is being too harsh on your behavior?  I don't know.  So far, I haven't found out much about you.  All I know is that you chose to sit at a picnic table near a bullpen, got hit in the face, may or may not (depending on the account) required surgery to fix your face and then you thought it was a good idea to sue a child for $500,000.  Yeah, you sound like a twat.


If you ask me, the worst one in this whole mess is your stupid fucking husband who has joined in on the suit and is now suing for "loss of consortium."  Basically, your husband is suing because he hasn't been getting much since the accident and he blames the kid too.  


Ha!  If this accident caused your disinterest in "consortium" then half the husbands I know should sue their own kids!  I may not have gotten hit in the face with a baseball, but after a long day of wrangling kids, answering unending questions, listening to made up knock knock jokes, wiping poopy bottoms, getting hundreds of drinks and fighting invisible closet monsters, I too am disinterested in "consortium."  I guess my husband should sue our kids for his "loss of consortium."  Is your attorney available?  I think he might be just the moron to take the case. 

Seriously, I cannot tell you how much you and your lawsuit disgusts me.  I am so sick and tired of people like you (and your dipshit husband and the asshole attorney who took on your bogus case) who sue over the dumbest shit.  You are the worst kind of person.  You are the type of person who takes absolutely no responsibility for your actions.  You are the type of asshole who would sue a city because you fell off the curb while walking and texting.    

Because of people like you scooters need warnings on them.

Look, I can sympathize that you got hit in the face with a ball.  I'm sure it hurt.  I'm sure it did some damage, but come on.  How hard could he have thrown it?  He was 11.  You probably got a black eye and maybe a broken nose.  I hardly doubt you needed multiple reconstructive surgeries or whatever you're claiming.  (You're not the lady who had her face eaten off by her friend's chimpanzee.)  People get hit with balls all the time.  It happens.  You were at a ball field where little kids were throwing balls.  You have to assume there is some risk when you walk into that ball park.  


Maybe I'm the idiot.  Maybe I'm leaving money on the table every day.  Instead of fighting against asshats like you, I should be joining.  Let's see.  What could I sue for?


My imaginary lawsuits:  

My kid fell at a soccer game and broke her arm.  I should probably sue the two 4 year olds who tripped her, the manufacturer of the ball she was kicking, the fields she was playing on and Gatorade just for good measure (she drank a little Gatorade before the game and it might have upset her ability to run and kick and dodge other preschoolers effectively).  


Yesterday I went to the movies with my kid.  A baby cried during the entire movie.  Yes, it was the dollar-special-summer-kids-movie completely designed and marketed to kids, but still.  That baby disrupted my viewing pleasure.  I think I should sue the baby and the theater and Pixar for not making the sound loud enough to cover a baby's cries.


A teenager at the pool broke my friend's pool noodle.  That noodle was a special toy for her daughter and her daughter was devastated when it broke.  My friend offered to buy another $3 noodle, but her daughter couldn't be assuaged.  My friend should sue that teenager for mental anguish and the pool noodle people for making such a shoddy product.


All of these imaginary lawsuits seem dumb, but the sad thing is, if people like you continue to sue over ridiculous things these won't be imaginary.  


I hope you lose your suits and I hope the judge orders you to pay all the defense costs for the boy and his family.  I hope the judge bans you from attending any and all sporting events where a ball might accidentally hit you.  I hope the judge requires you to spend some time with people who are truly injured - people who have lost limbs and eyes in real accidents so you can see what that looks like.    


I also hope you trip off your own front porch and wreck your new nose and you've got no one to sue but yourself.


Oh and one more thing, please let your husband know that Lubriderm is on sale this week at Costco.  I suggest he get some, it might help with his...needs.


Jen

Weekly Wrap Up 6.23.12

What a week!  I got home from camp with the kids and went straight into a week of swimming lessons.  Every time I take my kids to swimming lessons, I think of Stephenie Meyer saying how she wrote Twilight during her kids' swimming lessons...she must be a very fast writer (or her kids are slow learners) because I could barely get a to-do list written! 


Thursday night was a lot of fun and I've heard from several of you that you had fun too.  Be sure to let us know how your event went, we're all curious.  If you want to continue to keep up with one another and plan an another event, the best place to do that is the PIWTPITT Message Boards.  Check them out here.


I'm still hearing that many of you aren't getting me in your Facebook feeds anymore.  The easiest fix for that is to subscribe here at the blog or follow me on Twitter.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Look What Honda Sent Me - Yup, Honda sent me a minivan. It's still in the driveway tonight. I love how it looks there. My kids just want to move in and sleep in it. We're going to take it on a road trip next week, so that way the Hubs can fall in love with it too.

Making the Bus Monitor Cry - By now everyone has seen the video of Karen and the fucking twerps that abused her. Everyone went all fire and brimstone on these kids and I decided I'd rather go a different route. I sat down with the Hubs and we actually wrote this one together (unbelievable) and imagined what we WISHED Karen could have said to those little dickheads. I know she would have been fired if she'd even remotely tried to call them dipshits, but it's fun to dream. She could have at least called the cops. I'm pretty sure I would have done that.  Let the cops escort those fuckers home, because whatever a bus monitor is paid isn't enough to deal with those delinquents.

Tonight's the Night - The first PIWTPITT Friend's Party! It happened. Tell me how your city did. Did you meet anyone? Kansas City had about 16 people show up. We had a really fun time. I think the person who came the furthest was the lady from Beijing. Seriously. This is a funny story. I drove my friend Amy and her friend Meredith in the minivan to the party. We were parking and Amy and Meredith were admiring the minivan and all of its luxe features when a woman came up to me and said, "You're Jen, aren't you?" Ack! My first new potential friend! "Yessss..." I replied. "I knew it! Since you were talking about minivans, I figured it had to be you," she said.  

She then proceeded to tell us that she was in town for 2 days looking at houses because her family was moving from Beijing. Her friend in Beijing is a super fan and begged this woman to go to the party and meet me. So she dragged her husband and her child to this restaurant just so she could say hello and tweet her friend that she was there with me. My head was spinning. After some small talk (and me trying to sell myself as her Realtor, which she politely declined assuring me she had one - damn!!) she went to have dinner with her family. Pretty soon, she popped over to our table and said her husband told he would eat with the kid so she could hang with us. Kick ass, husband!!  

Father's Who Won't Change Diapers - This was a repost from the olden days, but still relevant. Sounds like there are a lot of great dads out there who are pulling their weight in the diaper duty department. Great!

Mini Me - Another conversation between Adolpha and Gomer that only proves to me that Adolpha is going to be a handful very soon.

New Posts for Babble This Week:

Are Helpful Men Creepy? - A friend told me about a man offering to help her and her children and she freaked out and called him creepy. WTH?

My Little Fashion Plate Designed Her Own Clothes - I insulted the quality of a company's product and so they sent me a gift card so that I could eat crow. I ate crow and it was delicious.

Can Bullies be Bullied? - A teacher in Texas got fired because she let the class hit the bully.

I Went on a Blind Date to Find a Friend - Why I almost didn't go to the PIWTPITT party.

10 Funny (Mom) Blogs You Should Read Today - I was surprised to hear that an advertiser said that he didn't know humor blogs existed. Hellooooo. So I decided to put together a list of some of the funniest women I know and share it with everyone. A note to advertisers: We are funny and we have fabulous funny readers who like to buy your shit.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):

Thankfully I married a guy who has no problem changing diapers. I hate the douchey dads who say that they are "babysitting" their own damn kids. You're not babysitting....you're being a responsible parent!! on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

I worked with a lady whose husband wouldn't change diapers. There were a couple of times where he stayed home with a sick kid and he would bring them to our office so his wife would change the diaper. No joke! on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

I love your a man changing diapers is sexy logic. What else can we get the men to do by convincing them they are sexy doing it? Mopping floors is HOT! Scrubbing a toilet will earn you a BJ. I will show you something new if you clean the garage. Things could get interesting. on Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

Sounds like Dad needs a blog of his own! A family who blogs together tells the world to fuck off together. on Happy Father's Day!

I keep telling him.

Love it... Want it... but my Little Bag of Crap can't be white because it has to live on the floor of my mini van for weeks at a time!-Steph on You're Going to Want This Stuff 

Surely it can be washed?

I overheard my daughter scolding her younger brother, 4 and 5 respectively, "if you ever do that again no more playing, no more toys, and no more water!" What? No water? I can assure you that I have never threatened my children with dehydration! on Mini Me

AWESOME. I knew I'd reached a new chapter in my life when I started commenting on how "cool" the new Odysseys were when each new model came out (the newest being, by far, the coolest). I *love* my Odyssey, something I never imagined I'd say about a minivan. But seriously, I'm wondering if I'll ever drive anything else - even when the kids eventually fly the nest. Enjoy - you won't want to give it back. I guarantee it. Those slidey doors are enough to seal the deal. No, wait, the DVD player with the headphones that allow the kids to watch movies and you to still listen to the radio are sheer genius. on Look What Honda Sent Me

I succumbed to the minivan long ago (kicking and screaming). But my newest one, 2011 tricked out T&C is like a mobile living room. I am driving all over the country (final stop, KC, btw) and it is a smooooottthhhhhh ride. The kids barely spoke out loud in 10 hours yesterday. Two screens (dvd on one, PlayStation on the other). ipod/ds charging (love that little outlet). I turn up some Eminem and drive like a gangsta filming an Imported from Detroit commercial. Badass. on Look What Honda Sent Me

MCC? it's okay, but I prefer Suburban Assault Vehicle. (I am totally jealous of the 15 cupholders, though!) on Look What Honda Sent Me

Here in Utah we call them Mormon Assault Vehicles. :) I don't want one...but I am kind of jello that you get to try one out for two weeks. on Look What Honda Sent Me

Now that all these vehicles come with so many drink holders, they need to start putting potties in them. If I have that many drinks in my car, (almost 2 per person, I will surely be asking for extra potty stops! on Look What Honda Sent Me

Well... check you out! What next? Why Tina Fey, of course! on Look What Honda Sent Me

LOL! I like how all the pissed off people post their comments anonymously. I have to admit... I'm guilty of being a tad OAM on occasion and my sister says the visor I wear is douchey. I am lucky enough to have a sister to call me out on my behavior. Everyone should be so lucky. Funny stuff! I love your husband's response! Chill out people. on Douchey Dads

Making the Bus Monitor Cry - Karen Klein

This is a guest post and co written by me and the Hubs.  Can you guess which ones are mine? Enjoy!

Like all of you I was mesmerized yesterday watching the bus monitor lady get verbally berated by a bunch of punks. I watched the video and of course I wanted to rant and rave against these little shits, but could I really attack middle school kids? I decided to take the high road and avoid it completely.


Click here for the video if you did not see it.

Until this morning.

I watched the video again and I was just amazed at how Karen Klein sat there and took that assault. Of course she couldn't bitch slap each of those kids or punch them in the throat (literally), but she could have at least defended herself.

This is all in fun, so laugh because it's a joke...sort of.

Here's what I wish Karen Klein had said to those little fuckers:

Kid: Hey Karen, you're a fat ass.

Karen: Your dad doesn't complain about my fat ass when I sit on his face. Loser.

Kid: Where did you get that purse, Karen?

Karen: From your mother's closet, you little dumbass. She said you gave it to her for Mother's Day, but she hates you and your crappy gifts. You little Douche Canoe.

Kid: Where do you live, Karen? I want to go and pee on your door.

Karen: That'll be great. Let me know when you're coming so I can take some bath salts and eat your face off.  You ignorant troll.

Kid: I want to take a crap in your mouth, Karen.

Karen: You must have learned that from your mom, because she's always begging me to take a crap in HER mouth.  Butt face.

Kid: You're so sweaty, Karen.

Karen: Yeah, I'm sweaty. Because that's how your mom likes me to taste. Penis breath.

Kid: You're so poor, Karen.

Karen: Oh yeah? That video's going on Youtube tonight and I'm gonna make half a million dollars.  I'll be able to retire in style, but you will always be ugly and stupid.  There's no changing that.

I also think there should be a public caning of these asshole kids. There is really nothing that can take this back, but there should be some sort of repercussions for these little jerks.

This is terrible situation and everyone is outraged. One good thing that has happened to Karen is that there was an incredible out pouring of support and even a donation page to send her on a vacation. They were trying to raise $5,000, and guess what? After this went viral, her donation page has raised almost $600,000. Now she can retire in style and get away from puck ass kids like these.

http://www.indiegogo.com/loveforkarenhklein

PS. I hope this post finds its way to Karen so she can have a good laugh.

Tonight's the Night

Tonight, tonight, da, da, da, da, da, daaaaa.  (I'm singing here.  Can't you tell?)

Tonight's the night, girls.  Tonight is the night you're going to meet your newest BFF or a potential stalker.  Either way, it's going to kick ass because you won't have to put the kids to bed and you can have a cocktail or a Coke with a group of women that have a sense of humor.

Who's going?  I think there will be about 20 in the Kansas City "Donner Party."  That's what our reservation is under.  We think it will keep the kitchen staff moving quickly with our orders.

I can't guarantee much about tonight, but I can guarantee that you will have a laugh.  I promised you some mixers to get the party started and here they are:

1.  If you could be any animal - what would you be and why?  (Correct answer:  Koala, rarrr.)

2.  What is the most inappropriate gift a guy ever gave you?  (Correct answer:  Tampax for your big menses.)

3.  What is an "In the Butt Bag"?  Follow up extra extra bonus question:  What act must you perform to get a bag from Marshalls?  (Correct answer:  Half-hearted handjob during Letterman.)

(If the mood gets dull, say "fuck it" and then pull out your phone and read Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies out loud to the group.)

Tomorrow I'd love to see some pics and hear the best answers to the mixer questions.  I've created areas on the PIWTPITT message boards, so log in and share.

If you've read this far and you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.  Read this post that started it all:  

I know this will be hard for many of you to believe, but I don't have many friends.  (This is where you say, Duh!)

I have many acquaintances, but not too many close friends.  It's hard for me to find people who I can stand to be around and who can stand to be around me.

The other night the Hubs and I were lamenting that summer is coming and we don't have anyone to play with other than our 2 or 3 friends who we probably overwhelm and drown with attention.  We realized we probably need another friend or two to take some of the heat before we run off the few we actually have.

(Actually, the Hubs doesn't give a shit.  He'd be happy to hang out with me all day.  Awww.  Blech.  No offense to the Hubs, but I need more than him.  I need some social interaction and not with a bunch of douchey dads or Dolce moms.)

So I'm on the hunt for another friend or two.  I don't think it's going to be easy.  I am no peach.  I get it.  A lot of the reason I don't have many close friends is because I am a fairly crappy friend.  I'm going to be honest with you.  I tend to forget important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, scheduled surgeries, lunch dates, etc.  I have great intentions to call and catch up with my friends more than once a month, but I blink and suddenly it's been 3 months and then I think, Eh, if she wanted to talk to me, she would have called me.  We must not be as close as I thought.  I would love to have my friends over for a meal, but I'm a terrible cook and it would just be better for everyone if we went out for a meal.  I have a sense of humor that can be tough to accept.  I show I love my friends by teasing them and not everyone can take a good teasing.  I'm getting better at this and I've figured out who can take it and who can't and I'm dialing it down, but it's still hard for me to remember.

Sometimes it's like grade school all over again and trying to find someone you enjoy eating lunch with.  I'd just like to find a friend (or two) who has these qualities:

1.  Be real.  That's all I want.  Just be real.  Just be yourself, even if yourself is annoying, I'll respect you and like you for being yourself.

2.  Be able to laugh.  A lot.  Laugh at yourself, laugh at people around you, laugh at situations you find yourself in, laugh your ass off at me.  Just laugh.  I can't tell you how many women I've met lately who are afraid to laugh.  They smile a bit, but no one guffaws anymore.  Not even a chortle.

You gotta just let it go.  If you think something is funny, I want to hear your donkey bray laugh and your snort.  I'd love a good coffee spray.

3.  Be spontaneous.  I'm not the best at this, but I'd like to get better, so I figure if I find a friend who is spontaneous, you'll force me to be too.  It doesn't have be a Thelma & Louise-style cross country excursion, it can just be Let's grab some dinner and hit the park in an hour or Let's go get pedicures tomorrow.

4.  Be accepting.  I am who I am.  I can't change anymore than you can so I need you to accept me the way I am.

5.  Be a little crass.  I drop the F bomb like a truck driver and I think it's funny to talk about things like:   "Who would ever think it's a good idea to freeze their hand blown glass dildo?  They actually have to warn you about that?"

6.  Be confident.  We all have our down days where we need someone to give us a pep talk and that's fine, but I can't be friends with someone who is constantly down on herself, her marriage, her abilities, etc. and won't take the advice she gets when she asks for it.

7.  Be open.  I want to know you.  I want to know alllll about you.  I live for your dramas and I love to hear them over and over again.  (Seriously.)

8.  Be open and dramatic, but don't be crazy.  I don't know how else to say this.  I just don't want to ride the crazy train all the time.  I don't need a friend who is warm and friendly one minute and then cold and bitchy the next depending upon who she's hanging with at the time.  That's the kind of drama I don't want.

9.  Have a spouse the Hubs can play with.  It's much easier for me to sneak away for Girls' Night Out if he can have some friends to hang with too.

10.  This pretty much sums up my ideal friend:

11.  Be unique and interesting.  I don't know what exactly makes a person unique and interesting, but let's start with her being able to keep up her end of a conversation and it can't be about the weather.  I won't mind if all my friend can say is "I think the Kardashians are smart businesswomen."  I may disagree with her completely, but at least she has an opinion and I like that.  BTW my response to that statement would be, "Those women may run 'businesses,' but their entire business centers around staging fake, headline-grabbing relationships and being rewarded for leaking sex tapes and music videos that are sex tapes set to music.  I will call these girls and their Machiavellian mother many things, but busineswoman is not one of them."

I know I'm not alone with this lament.  I know there are some of you out there feeling the same way.  I've had some requests to help people connect with other PIWTPITT readers in their city.  If you're interesting in meeting some fellow punchies speak up in the comments and if there's enough interest, I'll designate a night in June as PIWTPITT Meet a New Friend Night.  If the Ya-Yas can do it, we surely can.

UPDATE:  I GOT SUCH AN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE THAT I'VE PICKED A DAY:  THURSDAY, JUNE 21.  I'VE STARTED MAKING EVENTS ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE, SO DON'T BE LEFT BEHIND.  CHECK AND SEE IF THERE IS A CITY NEAR YOU.  OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T BE AT ANY OF THESE, SO I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO BE IN CHARGE AND PICK A LOCATION AND TIME IN YOUR CITY.  PLEASE SEND ME AN EMAIL IF YOU CAN DO THAT.  

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR - THIS IS FOR LADIES ONLY.  THIS IS LADIES NIGHT.  GUYS, IF YOU WANT A NIGHT, GO PLAN IT ON THE HUBS' PAGE.  WOMEN NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH OTHER WOMEN.  WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR FELLAS.

Don't worry, guys, I'm not leaving you out.  If you want a Guys' Night Out, let The Hubs know and he'll hook you up.

Share this with a friend!

WANT TO GO, BUT YOU HAVEN'T RSVP'D YET?  NOT A PROBLEM.  CLICK HERE AND SEE IF YOUR CITY IS HAVING A PARTY.  RSVP NOW AND GO.

Mini Me

As you all know, my kids have funny conversations and last night was no different.

Last night, I was minding my own business when I overheard my kids arguing with one another.  I was about to step in and break it up when I realized it sounded vaguely familiar and instead I wrote it down:

Adolpha (with her bitty twins in a wagon):  Gomer I need you to go and watch the kids.

Gomer (playing with a ball):  I can't.  I'm busy.

Adolpha:  No you're not.

Gomer (continuing to toss the ball):  Yes I am.

Adolpha:  You're not doing anything important, now go watch those kids.

Gomer:  Ugh.

Adolpha:  They're your kids too, you know.  (Wow, have I ever said that?  I don't think so.  I don't think I've ever had to.)

Gomer:  Fine, fine, fine.  For how long?  (This is totally something the Hubs would say and heaven forbid if you're 10 minutes later than you thought you'd be.)

Adolpha:  I don't know - awhile.  (Yup.  Good move.  Never give an exact time frame.)

Gomer:  Well, when will you be back?

Adolpha:  I said I don't know.  You need to just watch them.

Gomer:  Well, where are you going?  Anywhere fun?  (The Hubs says this a lot too.  What difference does it make?  Like it's OK to be gone for a long time if I'm getting a root canal, but I can't be a long time if I'm going to dinner with a friend?) 

Adolpha:  What do you care?  I need your help.  Now.  Go.  Watch.  The.  Kids.

Gomer (putting down his ball and picking up one of the babies):  Fine.....

Me:  Gomer, you do realize those are dolls, right?

We're not real, Gomer.

I don't know if you heard that Honda sent over a minivan yesterday.  Well they did.  We're having a great time testing it out.  You guys, this thing is the bomb.  Today the kids are I are headed off to swimming lessons and I'm looking forward to putting the wireless headphones on them so I don't have to listen to their music.  Ahhhh....

Look What Honda Sent Me

You are not going to believe what showed up in my driveway today.  Go ahead, guess.  It starts with an M and ends with a VAN.

That's right, my new (tester) badass 2012 Honda Odyssey Touring Elite minivan is sitting in my driveway as we speak.  That's right, they sent me the Elite.  No base model for me, thank you very much.  Honda spared no expense and wanted to make sure I get the whole Odyssey minivan experience, surrounded in superior quality and luxury.  This isn't your neighbor's minivan, people.  This minivan is like no other.   

Yeah, that's sitting in my driveway.

(For those of you who have just joined the blog and have no idea what I'm so excited about, please take a few minutes and read this.  It will catch you up on my minivan love.  Then read this and you'll understand why the nice people at Honda have sent me this van to try out.)

If you want the Cliff's Notes then here's the gist:

I said I have a secret passion for minivans and that I'd love to own one.  The Hubs thinks it's not a good fit for us since we only have 2 kids and he prefers for us to drive a smaller car with better gas mileage and no implied obligation of carpooling.  I told him I didn't care, I want the slidey doors and all the other features of my very own MCC (Mobile Command Center, for those of you who aren't in the know).  Honda read my post and contacted me.  I wrote them back.  We picked a date for a van to come and visit.  That date is today.  I get it for two weeks.

Yup!  I got a minivan.  True, I don't own it.  Honda is just loaning it to me for the next two weeks...I may not want to give it back in the end.  But still, it's pretty exciting for me.  Of course I've driven minivans before, but always when we were on vacation somewhere and I never really got the chance to enjoy it.  I was always looking for an exit on some unknown highway or keeping an eye out for the closest bathroom.  I'll finally get to drive a minivan in my day to day life and really be able to show the Hubs what a great fit it is for our family.

So, what this means is that for the next 2 weeks I will be pointing out just a few of the special features of this badass MCC while my kids jump out of the slidey doors like parachuters and we drive around the block one more time just so we can watch another movie on our wide screen DVD player and hold drinks in our 15 cupholders spaced nicely throughout the vehicle for optimal beverage holdage.

Just 4 of the 15 cupholders.  Route 44s anyone?

Oh, and I will be driving it to the PIWTPITT Kansas City Friend's Party on Thursday night, so if you want to see this badass MCC up close and personal, you should totally be there, but I won't be carpooling.  Even though the Hubs isn't going, it will still throw him if I start carpooling already.  We gotta start him off slow.

Disclaimer:  A big thank you to Honda for sending me a 2012 Odyssey Touring Elite to drive for the next 2 weeks and enjoy immensely.  And a special thank you to Sara - I hope you and the new addition to your family are getting some sleep!

My opinions are my own - you know how much I love these cars - I can't make this stuff up!  

Fathers Who Won't Change Diapers

So, I was reading an article the other day about Mike Tyson and what a "great dad" he is.  Apparently Mike has something like 8 kids.  He's on his second or third wife and she was gushing to the media about what a great dad he is.  He does everything, everything!  EXCEPT change diapers.

Explain to me how that is being a "great dad."  A great dad is someone who shares in ALL the responsibilities - even the smelliest and nastiest ones.  Can't you just imagine Mike in his little, weird voice:  "Ooooh, stinky poo, I can't go near that!  Yuck.  I think I might throw up!"  This is a man who bit another man's ear off.  Yeah, 'cause that wasn't disgusting!  I will take a blow out that requires a full bath for me AND the kid before I'd ever put a sweaty, bloody ear in my mouth!

I began to wonder who else besides Mike doesn't change diapers.  I wasn't too surprised to find this douche bragging that he doesn't change diapers.  Never has, never will.  Of course, you all know how I feel about him.  Little Barron (I'm surprised Donald didn't name the kid Emperor) probably has a designated woman just for changing him.  I bet he even has a solid gold PeePee TeePee, engraved with his initials no less.

Unfortunately, after some digging, I found that even dads I like Gavin Rossdale, for instance, won't change diapers either!  He's even quoted as saying, "We've got good people" to do that sort of job.  Ick.  I'm so over you, Gavin.  You dick.

I also found out that famous men aren't the only ones who won't change a diaper.  According to a survey done by Pamper's a full 10% of men won't touch a diaper.  Are you kidding me?  What if you're the only one home with the baby?  (Yeah, right, if you won't change a diaper, you won't let the wife leave you home alone with the kids.)  You're just going to let her wallow in her own filth 'til Mommy comes home?  The sad thing is, after my own informal survey of friends and family, I've decided a lot of guys lied to Pampers.

Come on!  Where are the real men out there?  I know I'm married to one.  I know that my husband changed as many (he'll, of course, claim more) diapers as me on any day of the week.  He understood that by being involved in our children's lives (even in those stinky trenches) he was bonding with our kids and setting the foundation for a strong relationship with them in the future.  He also understood that we chose to have these kids TOGETHER.  We're a team.  We're not Fun Guy and Poop Scoop Girl.  We're mom and dad and we both take turns doing the crap jobs when it comes to raising our kids.

Luckily for Mike, Donald and Gavin, they can all afford "good people" to wipe their children's asses, but the rest of us don't have that luxury.  So moms need strong dads to stand up and say, "Here honey, I'll take a turn."  (Trust me, guys, you want to take a turn.  There's nothing sexier than a man who does laundry and changes dirty diapers.  It's like foreplay for us.)  Man up, dads!  Change a diaper and show your kids that you want to involved in ALL aspects of their lives AND show your wives how much you love them.