Oprah Winfrey (in case you weren't sure which Oprah I meant)

I just have to do it.  I'm sooooo sick of hearing about Oprah's final show.  Yuck.  I'm so over Oprah and have been for a long time.  Actually, it's been since Oprah got skinny - for the last time.  Her ass got smaller, but her head (and those diamond studs in her ears) got too big for her (fat jeans) britches.

She's become so self-righteous and bossy.  She thinks she's doing so much good when really she's just pimping out her friends and anything she can put the "O" on.    

I did not watch her final show.  I did not want to see her cry slash love fest with her favorites - did John Travolta come?  How about Maya Angelou?  Did Maya write a special poem for the occasion?  I'm sure Gayle was there - boohooing.  She's had a good run as the best friend of Oprah.  Does that job get a monthly paycheck or just when she's out doing Oprah's bitch work?

Every show I watch is about Oprah and what she's interested in either learning about or teaching the dumb masses about (because that's what we are in her eyes - sheep that need to be educated).  It's never about anything else.  Remember when she used to have baby daddies on there with DNA tests and confrontations?  THAT was fun TV to watch.  Now it's all about Dr. Oz telling us we need to take a crap every day or Nate Berkus re-designing our homes on a dime.

A few months ago when Oprah's network started I watched one of the Behind the Scenes shows.  I'll give Oprah this.  She is a smart cookie.  She's been taping all the behind the scenes shenanigans of this past year so now she can turn around and serve it up on OWN as new programming.  Pretty sneaky, sis!  I watched an episode where they were surprising her biggest fans.  Gayle flew out to BFE, Ohio (or wherever) and surprised the old gals at their favorite breakfast dive.  She told them they had to leave RIGHT NOW and drive across country to get to Chicago so they could appear on a taping of the show.  The girls jumped in the car and started driving.  Oprah's staff went into hyper drive disguising the studio so the women would literally pull on stage at a specific moment and arrive at Oprah's show in all their "I just drove 2000 miles and I look like shit; I'm glad I'm on TV" glory.  (Thanks, Oprah.  You'll do ANYTHING to be the best looking woman in the studio won't you??)  Oprah's staff goes through all this drama to surprise these elderly ladies, and I was hoping at least one would have chest pains.  No such luck.

But with the level of drama and intensity you're feeling you would think one of them was going to have a heart attack.  It was absolutely RIDICULOUS!  They'd cut to Oprah in a confessional, "I was thinking to myself, if these ladies don't pull in at the exact right moment it could be a catastrophe!"  (Yeah, you might have to stop taping and ask the studio audience to sit tight for a half hour or so.)  Then they'd cut to her producers simultaneously guzzling Diet Coke, Tums and Xanax and talking about kids they never see because of the wonderful opportunity they have to work with Oprah.  Apparently Harpo is a pressure cooker to work in. Needless to say, this show (like all of them) went off without a hitch.  Old ladies pulled on stage thinking they were pulling into a parking garage (they're her biggest fans, not her smartest fans), Oprah screamed, they screamed, Gayle screamed.  They recapped the whole "I couldn't believe when Gayle showed up while we were having eggs!"  Blah, blah, blah, snore.....Oprah laughs all the way to the bank.  Ca-ching!

I don't like Oprah because she named her dog the same name as my kid.  You know how I feel about that!  She also treats her dogs quite a bit like children.  And you know how I feel about that!  Oprah and Gayle are lesbians and I'm OK with that - just admit it Oprah.  NO ONE is buying the Steadman thing anymore.  It's sad actually.  Wave your rainbow flag!

I don't like Oprah because she puts herself on the cover of her own magazine every month.  Really?  I get that Oprah is a brand and she continually has to keep her brand in front of us, but EVERY single month?  She says it's to keep the readers focused on the outstanding content of the mag rather than the celebrity on the cover.  I'll tell you what, I've NEVER bought the magazine because her mug was so disturbing to me that I couldn't even read the headlines to know what the content was.

Oprah DID get people reading, and I appreciate that.  I actually was reading before Oprah started her revolution and now I have a longer wait list at the library - thanks Oprah.  No, it's cool.  As an aspiring writer, I appreciate that Oprah gave exposure to a large number of writers.  (There, I said something nice.  I won't be doing that again!)  I liked when she stuck to literary novels, once she started the whole navel-gazing route she lost me completely.  I am not one to waste my precious little reading time on books like A New Earth - Awakening Your Life's Purpose or Discover the Power Within You: A Guide to the Unexplored Depths Within.  Mostly because I don't think my life has a purpose and I definitely don't have any depths to me - or if I do, I have no desire to explore them - no telling what I'll find.


BNM said...

haha you are hilarious ive never watched Oprah just didnt care for it much!

K said...

I came to your blog by way of the whole Elf Shelf explosion. Have spent the last couple days glued to your blog relating to your words and cracking up. After reading this post I just had to comment and say how brilliant you are! Never stop writing. I'll be in line to buy your first book...cha-Ching!

Because nobody likes Mondays said...

HAHA I hate Oprah. Alway have always will. She just annoys the hell out of me. I had to laugh when I read abouy the behind the scenes thing. The BFE that these ladies were from is Stoughton, MA and the breakfast place just happens to be dierctly across the street from my home. I didn;t even realize they were taping there till I saw it in the paper and on the news day after day after day. They even set up local viewing parties at a local bar for townies to go and watch these teachers (yes they were all teachers, one was my elemantary school Gifted and Talented teacher). I was so damn sick of hearing about this for well over a month. Pure hell http://www.wickedlocal.com/stoughton/fun/entertainment/x1902476738/VIDEO-Oprah-bringing-retired-Stoughton-teacher-friends-to-Australia#axzz1hQ1jyVHO

Marcella said...

I liked Oprah up until she did the magazing and cover of herself every month. Ick. How does her fat head even fit through doorways anymore?

Anonymous said...

This post is even funnier because the ad panel I see right now on the left has the BIG O herself in all her big-headed glory, hawking the OWN Network. Awesome. - Stacie

kstone84 said...

Here is a women who made billions off of white middle class housewives and she slams them at every opportunity. And they like it. HUH?

Anonymous said...

Amen! Wake up Ladies! Oprah doesn't give a shit about you! She's a narcissistic name dropper of the highest caliber!

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