Is it Possible to be Too Sexy?

Today is my day to work out with Kris at Starting Line Fitness. Every week Kris is forcing (oops, I mean getting) me to try new things and to add different components to my workout.

She also started training the Hubs. The Hubs is what I call a "skinny fat man." He's a normal, healthy weight, but that's about it. He can't run, he can barely touch his toes, and he bought slider things to move our sofas around because he couldn't lift his end anymore.

I made this shirt for the Hubs.
Last week he told Kris he didn't want to lift too much weight, because he's worried he might get "too big." After Kris and I had a good laugh at that one, I told Kris I needed to slow down my workout regimen too, because I didn't want to get "too skinny."

The Hubs and I bitch a bit when Kris pushes us to our limits, but we're very happy with the results.

The Hubs is getting some guns, but nothing too showy, and his t-shirts aren't straining to keep his muscles contained.

I'm continuing to lose inches. I'm at a total of 20 inches gone. I still haven't lost much weight, but my clothes fit better, I have more energy, and I feel stronger. All of the things I asked for at the beginning. Luckily, I'm not fixated on a number on the scale and what I care about is how I feel. Plus, I know if I really wanted to kick it up a notch, I could just need to tell Kris and she'd work me even harder, but I'm a lazy ass. This is all I can handle.

Sometimes I get a little bored with the routine, and I thought I might look for some new exercises to try. Last night I read about a new kind of workout and I think I'd like to try this one: the Stiletto Fitness Class.

Yup. You put on one to six inch heels and then "get your heart rate up the sexy way!"

Nah, on second thought I think I'll stick with Kris' exercises - I don't want to get too sexy.

The Guy Who Hit a Baby on an Airplane

I don't have to tell any mother reading this that traveling on an airplane with little kids sucks. Besides the ridiculous amount of shit you must carry on the plane to make sure that your kid doesn't melt down an hour into a three hour flight, you must also worry about everyone around you. You're constantly wondering, "Is that lady in aisle 12 giving me the evil eye because I'm taking my kid to the bathroom for the fourth time in an hour?" or "The guy in front of me just sighed heavily and moved around in his seat. Is that passive aggressive speak for 'shut your kid up'?"

My kids don't have a lot of experience traveling, but they're decent travelers. They've always been able to stay quiet with enough food shoved into their mouths and electronic devices waved in their faces. You can try and entertain them and keep them quiet, but sometimes kids will just lose their shit on a plane.

And when a kid does freak out, there isn't much you can do except try and figure out ways to calm him down.

I can tell you what doesn't work. When the passenger in the seat next to you slaps your crying baby and calls him the "N" word. Yeah. That happened.

Can you imagine? I can't even begin to comprehend that happening. First, I would think I must have just imagined that. Surely the old man next to me didn't just slap my baby and call him a racial slur? Second, I would say, Yes, I think he did do that. What the fuck, man? Third, I would be arrested by the closest air marshal, because I would go fucking ballistic on his racist, baby-slapping ass. I would calmly, carefully, and cautiously hand my child to the nearest responsible looking person and then I would beat that old man with in my in-flight magazine and try to strangle him with a seat belt. My fellow travelers would have to drag me off of him before I snatched him bald.

What would you do if this guy hit your kid?
I know I ask this a lot, but it bears repeating: What is wrong with people??? Most people wouldn't even consider hitting their own kid and this guy thinks he can hit a stranger's kid? I don't know what his excuse is, nor do I care, because there is no excuse. This guy does not deserve to even be heard. There is nothing he can say that would make me think, "Oh, OK, now it makes sense." I don't care if that baby did nothing but scream and throw chewed up crackers at this guy. Sure, that would suck. But not enough to bitch slap a toddler.

There are federal charges pending against this asshat right now and if convicted he's looking at a year in jail and I read this morning that he's lost his job. That sounds like a good start, but if I was this child's mother I would bring a suit against this guy the likes of which he's never seen. I would take him for everything he's got. He would pay for my child's college education and the down payment on his first home and his retirement. When I got done with this dickhead he would be living in a cardboard box under an overpass.

Gomer Hates GoDaddy

Did you watch the Super Bowl Sunday night? Usually the Hubs and I watch the game together. Not because we're big football fans, but because we enjoy the commercials. This year I got a pass, because Gomer was finally old enough to stay up and do some father/son bonding with the Hubs. I sent them to the basement and I curled up with a book. Bliss!

The next day I asked Gomer if he had a favorite commercial. Instead of telling me which one he loved, he told me which one he hated.

"GoDaddy. Yuck," he said. (If you haven't seen it, watch below.)



"Yuck?" I asked. "Why?"

"There was a beauty and a brains and they were eating each other's faces. It was gross!"

"Beauty and brains?"

"Yeah, there was a pretty girl who was the beauty. And then this other guy . . . who was . . . uh . . . he was all red and splotchy. They were trying to eat each other."

"Ewww," I said.

"I know! And their tongues! Mom, they almost touched."

May he never grow up.

My Rockstar Demands

I just read the list of demands that Lady Gaga makes when she's on tour. You know, the items that she requests to be in her dressing room when she performs.

It got me thinking. When does this happen? Right now when I go somewhere I'm thrilled if I'm offered a glass of water. At what point is the water not enough and you start saying, "Is this Pellegrino? It feels like it's room temperature. I like my Pellegrino chilled to 55 degrees and served in a crystal goblet."

If I suddenly became a Youtube sensation/rock star over night what would I demand?

Would I keep it real or would I go crazy? Probably a bit of both. The fame would go straight to my head.

Gaga wants white leather couches and fan art on the walls along with lavender, white and yellow flowers ONLY in the room.

I'm not a fan of leather, it's always cold and when I'm sweaty I stick to it. I'll be sweaty since I'm performing my hit single so I'd better stay away from leather. I've also never owned a white couch in my life. The idea of it gives me palpitations. Have you seen what a Sharpie and a child can do to a white couch?

I'm more of a cozy sectional kind of girl with a big ottoman to put my feet up on. I'd prefer a neutral color that can cover stains and slip covers for easy washing. I will require all mirrors to circus mirrors that make me look tall and thin. 

As for flowers. Eh. I can take them or leave them. I'd rather have a fruit - or better yet, a cookie - bouquet that you can eat.

The pictures on the walls should be a combination of inspirational kitties ("Hang in there!") and Grumpy Cat ("Break a leg! Seriously.").


The food. I'd go on tour just so I could make insane food demands. 

Gaga has asked for "whole-wheat bread, low-sugar peanut butter with flax seed, bran flake cereal, fruit, hummus, and homemade guacamole. A 24-hour hotel kitchen access request was put in for her own personal chef."

I'd want ONLY blue M&Ms in a clear bowl, New York style pizza - always hot, because you never know when my entourage or I will want a slice, green apples (red apples will be smashed on the floor), creamy peanut butter, Haribo Gummi Bears (because all other brands suck), Raisin Bran with extra raisins, breakfast tea, and access to a crockpot just in case my crew decides to whip up some Rotel cheese dip.

Now that I think about it, my list of demands is less Gaga and more Roseanne. 

What about you? What would your rockstar demands look like?

Please don't make me turn to singing to pay my bills - no one will like that. Vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest.

Weekly Wrap Up 2.2.13


I've stayed busy this week reading and writing. I'm making a lot of progress on my anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone and I've started working on my new book Going to School with People I Want to Punch in the Throat.

I'm getting my throat punched over at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest. Last year I won this contest handily and this year the competition is so stiff with so many hysterical ladies that I will be lucky if I get 5th place. Please vote for me so I don't lose my street cred and have to start blogging about coupons.

I've got about a billion different ways for you to follow me and keep up with me now, so I thought I'd list them all here in case you're looking for one more way to be my friend.

Blog (duh). You can subscribe and get me delivered to your inbox or reader every day.
Blog Message Boards. Meet new friends who read PIWTPITT.
Facebook for the blog. I try not to clog your feed too much.
Facebook Author Page. This one is where you can find out what's going on with my writing.
Twitter. I tweet nonsense. Especially on Sunday nights at 9 PM EST at the #spikedpunch Twitter party. Join me this Sunday.
Pinterest. I pin funny stuff, food I want to make, food I'll never make, crafts, blogs and books I read, and exercise routines that I should probably get off my ass and do.
Goodreads. Share your book recommendations with me.

If you think it's a pain in the ass to follow me on all of these channels, try keeping them updated. I'm a social media whore.

Book Update:

If you are an Amazon Prime Member, you can borrow my book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat for free right now. If you're not an Amazon Prime Member, the book is still full price, but totally worth it. If you want to buy the book for anything BUT a Kindle, you're going to have a problem for a bit. In order to make it a free borrow, Amazon requires me not to sell the book anywhere else. So . . . sorry about that non-Amazon people. I will let you know once it's all back online again for everyone.

Top Read Posts This Week:

PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents - Even though my kids have wonderful grandparents I still had to make a list of rules, just because I enjoy making lists of rules. I was pleased to share this one with HuffingtonPost Parents this week as well.

Judgmental People Who Don't Think They're Judgmental - This is on old one, but I thought it was worth repeating, because I'm seeing more and more holier than thou people and it's driving me batty. If you're an asshat, just own it. That's all I ask.

Goodbye "30 Rock" It's Been Fun Chatting with You - My BFF Tina Fey spoke to me one last time on the series finale of her show.

I Was Interviewed! - Kim from Let Me Start By Saying interviewed me. She's a great blogger and an even better interviewer!

Which Downton Character are You? - I love Downton Abbey and I'm always trying to figure out which Crawley sister I am. After taking the official PBS Downton Abbey test I was told I am "Violet." Makes sense. I'm a sassy old lady. It was a red letter week for me when HuffingtonPost TV ran this one as well. Two in one week! I think HP might have a secret crush on me!

My Favorite Comments (and My Replies if Necessary):

Loved this! Kim, I had no idea you were such a talented interviewer. You've been holding out on me. Love the way you two played off each other. And I had no idea RachRiot was such a blog whore. I thought she and I had something special. Day-yam. on I Was Interviewed!

Looks like RachRiot has some explaining to do.

Thanks for answering all my questions! I think the cool thing about Gone Girl is that you hate both main characters, and you struggle with that feeling the rest of the book. It's our Book Club for Thursday's meeting, and I look forward to a very lively conversation. Not liking Seinfeld disturbs me. Not even The Contest? Nothing?? Please stop using the phrase "placenta pills" so I can stop throwing up in my mouth. Thank you. on I Was Interviewed!

Two of my favorites in one place! I love it! I wish I could have been the P.A. that fetches water during that interview. on I Was Interviewed!

I was crazy thirsty answering those questions. I wish I would have known I could have had a P.A. to bring me a drink! Next time for sure!

Next time you're reading a library book, think of this: Once, my kid dropped a library book in the toilet. When I called the library to see how much it was going to cost me, they suggested I let it dry and RETURN IT. I didn't, but it certainly makes me look at library books differently. I still read them. I'm not above toilet books, as long as they're free. on I Was Interviewed!

Right after I read this comment I took a closer look at my book and I noticed a brown fleck dried on the page. I skipped that page. 

Why is it that only women seem to write funny and intelligent blogs? All the blogs I find by men are about gadgets, fashion, cars and how to bang hot chicks (in case you're wondering, it apparently takes gadgets, fashion and cars). Enjoy both of your writing a lot! on I Was Interviewed!

Please note. This comment was made by a man. A very smart man. Who is not my husband.

Can I one-up EVERYONE here? My FIL was suspected of child molestation (not my kids, thank goodness) and we were not allowing him to see our kids. My mother was watching my 3yo, had strict instructions NOT to allow my FIL to see him, and lo and behold she took him over to my in-laws house and left him there all afternoon because she "felt bad he never got to see the grandkids". WTF????? on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

Yup. You win. WTF??

Make my children keep up their personal hygiene at your house too! You made me brush my teeth and shower everyday. Bad breath and dirt do not skip a generation. Oh, and for goodness sake, make them brush their hair. It takes my girls' hair 2.3 seconds to turn into a tumbleweed on top of their head. on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

I think everyone has their own miracle cure. My grandpa put Ben-Gay on everything, including skin cancer. My mom; rubbing alcohol. My husband; ice. Me? I say "you're dehydrated. drink a glass of water". on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

My son never knew his grandparents, they were all deceased long before he was born. I'd give anything for him to have been "spoiled" by grandparents on PIWTPITT's 10 Rules for Grandparents

I like to think I'm the Dowager Countess of Grantham with my sarcasm and biting wit, but I'm probably more like Isobel Crawley. Annoyingly liberal, helpful and optimistic, but I get my subtle and clever jabs in there when necessary. on Which Downton Character Are You?

Some days, I'm Ethel...not because I'm a prostitute, but because every time Ethel is on the screen, I find myself saying "Oh, Ethel, you're gonna regret that!" and there are so very, very many days when I rue every single freaking decision I make. on Which Downton Character Are You?

In my opinion, the world needs a little more sarcasm and a little less self-righteousness. I totally heart your blog. on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental

I wish there was a like button for comments. They are hysterical. Also, isn't your title for the sake of sarcasm??? I don't think you literally want to punch everyone in the throat...it's F-U-N-N-Y! on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental

Everyone is judgmental in some way, shape or form. However, you make it funny. I bet "Judy" is reading your blog right now because once you start you just can't stop. ;) on Judgmental People Who Don't Think THEY'RE Judgmental

Goodbye "30 Rock" It's Been Fun Chatting

Did you watch the end of "30 Rock" last night? You know I did.

I'm sure this is a bittersweet moment for my BFF Tina. I'm sure she's happy to move on and try new things, but I'm guessing she's a little sad, because she can no longer talk to me through her TV show. See, since she never picked up the phone and took me up on my offer for a hoagie sandwich lunch, she's been communicating with me through her show "30 Rock."

Sure, it's a bit subtle, but I see the messages that are there for me. Last night she gave me one last acknowledgment. When Kenneth the Page and Liz Lemon were having a conversation about the possibility of Liz starting a new show based on her life, Kenneth showed her his list of Kenneth's TV No-No Words and he pointed to - OK in the vicinity of - one in particular: BLOG.


So, let's break this down. Last February I wrote Tina a letter telling her that I'd like to be her friend, grab a bite together, maybe a massage, but I promise I'm not a creeper. No response. But wait! A few months later, "30 Rock" airs with some pretty bold messages for me indicating that Tina and I share the same fashion sense and the love of "A" names for our children. And then finally, last night as a final send off, Tina sent me one last message that was basically: "Jen, you are my favorite BLOG to read, but I'm just too shy to call you."

Please vote for me at Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms. All I need is one vote from each of you and then I could shut up forever.

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post . It was about reading her five-year-old...